It saddens me to believe that I missed the funeral for "love at first sight
where was my notification? lost in the mail?? That's just not right!
You & I were tight
If I'd known you were in danger
I'd have done my best to protect you from that eternal night
had you just voiced your plight
I'd have given my life to keep you from walking into the light
mixed emotions from angry to sad
I can't believe you were allowed to pass on as if you were a fad
I will forever miss you as well as the chance to play "cat & mouse chase with you
I'll cherish the last time I kissed & embraced with you
I will never forget you, you are forever a part of me
every orchid I see
does well to remind me
of the love we shared
how deeply we cared
how into one another's eyes we stared
how we felt protected & eased the urge to be scared
I love you now and always you made up the best of what was We
Trying to make up for it trying to ensure a second chance, you'll never fade from my memory
I lost you by circumstance so I'm off to assist & protect Destiny

love
a gift
from within
deep affection
endlessly intense
romantic attachment
infinite passion abound
solicitude cherished by all
feelings expressed without compromise
besotted beyond infatuation

constant hoping
continuos coping
symbolic token
words unspoken
plea making
inner aching
soul quaking
heart breaking
essence in need of a graft
drowning seeking preserver or raft
anxiety growing
creative juices turbulent while flowing
sadness without end
shattered soul on the mend
more than metaphor
saddened & sore
lost count losing score
existing is easy living is the chore

my days draw to an end
so I reach out to you, my friend
as it's the rapport we share, upon which I depend
and to the last breath defend
I ask that you don't grieve
all I ask is that the next time some cries an "impossible foul", for their sake as well as mine, open your mind and just believe
I KNOW it's difficult to conceive
imagine my horror as I might perceive
if you understood my pain
you understand my distain
as I offer truth as from lying there is nothing to gain
it's my life & character minus defamation I'm trying to sustain
this is not the sound of a hypochondriac on a binge to complain
and my tears flow like a turbulent rain
my composure is difficult to maintain
not sure how much more I can take
as my condition is not imaginary my symptoms are not fake
too few believe the words I written as well as those I have spake
so non believers are not allowed the luxury of heart ache
as for those who believe it's for you my tears flow as well as why my heart breaks
no need to reach for tissue
I won't get mushy I'll just say, "I want you to know, that from the bottom of my heart, I will miss you!"

For some, Ph.D. stands for "Player haters Degree", "Porn haterz Degree" would be the significance behind my use of Ph.D. Apologies but I'm hating if I'm not participating! What reason would I need to watch other people in the act of "getting down"? That's just not me! I have enough issue with getting some, why would I want to watch a poorly scripted / acted production of that which should be a private matter unless you are one to get off on people watching you (that's crazy and topic for another "discussion") I make mention of this as this also reflects cam shows! I am terribly sick and tired of being approached by young girls, under the false pretense of chat, just so they can "pimp" their cam shows... WTF? Not all men like smut... let me rephrase, not all men like viewing girls to which they have no connection aside from a credit card ... If I'm viewing "smut" it's because my significant other is in my face giving me a "free show", not due to some wanna be porn star peddling her cam show seeking out new clients... Sure, this is a new time and new age, but damn, why lie about the reason you are reaching out to some one? And someone please tell me the significance of paying for that which you can get for free??? (please don't mention Bottle Water either)

MiSoMi 8

..

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I don't do the, "hey Ma wassup" thing
I don't covet nor chase "bling bling"
sometimes I'm suspect terrestrial
as my thoughts and Ideas are often celestial
communication is a lost form of art
as words are mutilated and torn apart
please no recourse nor reprise
forgive me as I generalize
no one knows how to simply say
hello how are you I hope you have a good day
now you've got to have swagger with some sway
or else the meaning of your words are tossed astray
why has it become difficult to speak ones mind
without concepts being shredded and definitions misaligned
why are we bound by unwritten law & rules
why do we allow ourselves to be used like tools
why have we given up that which came before
why is communication something we no longer adore?
why have verbal as well as written interaction
become chore and distraction
rather than adorned with praise
words fall on "injured" ears due to the lack of a cordial phrase

The amount of pain I'm in goes from tolerable to unbearably maddening!!! My lucidity, comes and goes, the headaches (which feel as if they're in a wave like sweeping motion)... I understand both sides of the interaction between police & citizen/perpatrator. I understand the police aspect due to watching shows like the first 48, cops, forensic files. and the list continues... But I also understand how something could escalate between police and "the innocent in their home dwelling". Last night, instead of being connected to a crisis center, I end up on the suicide hot line. I was in so much pain, imagine someone cutting through your brain with a band saw while you were awake, no anesthesia... And who EVER told that lie the brain feels no pain is a BOLD FACED LIAR!!! My head is killing me, I feel EVERYTHING...

I'm so depressed I can't get ANYONE to believe how dire my situation is, I'm terribly saddened by my mother's lack of faith in my character, I'm saddened my bff doesn't believe mw, I'm saddened that the law enforcement & health care withholders who came to m home last night think I'm off my nut... I'm saddened people think I'm a hypochondriac, I'm saddened I'm now in a place I no longer have a desire to remain. So with my last I shall venture out... this is some steaming bull's sh*t fo Real, Fo' REAL,

Why do we live in a society where people think the worst of you before they consider the best of you... I'm tired of thinking those I trust or should trust are lacking in the worth required to be entrusted which such a gift. It's cool. I'm out I'm tired of being "tolerated"

So will say damn he rambles like a madman, I say to.... no I pose to them, how do you think your thoughts would be interpreted if your insides were being chewed upon, how do you think you'd sound if police entered your home after you specifically express that you don't want them there... How would you feel if you found out the police were about to forcibly remove you from your home when you asked that they NOT be called. How do you think you'd sound if you told the truth to the best of your ability and everyone that was in a position to help you thought you were crazy as well as delusional or whacked of your mind of drugs....

you cannot imagine my frustration nor my sadness, nor the amount of pain I'm in, and if this pain is coming from my imagination, turning it off is something I'm not imaginative enough to do... I often feel like I'm on fire, that's te best way to describe it...my abdominal area.... not my stomach, my abdominal area makes the strangest of noises... You know what I'm tired of describing my symptoms, I've done it over & over and no one listens, YES it sounds crazy, I'm being eaten alive by miniature fire ants, yes it sounds like my imagination is running on overdrive... I understand how it might sound, but what do I have to gain from such a claim? Why is checking my claim out such a hard thing to do... Why do I have to suffer like this??? I'm not referring to physical agony either, I'm referring to the suffering that is mental anguish. My mental state is trashed due to the closed mindedness of those who are in positions to offer aid & assistance, the closed mindedness of those in my immediate family & circle of friends... wow, I almost feel betrayed, yet, at the same time I definitely feel let down...

I can't believe the amount of people who, think they're qualified to diagnose me as bi-polar/manic depressive without knowing the whole story, so let us review.. A few years ago I was residing with my cousin in FL, the Pompano Beach / North Lauderdale area, we had issues with fire ants always being in the front of the house due to the dogs food being there in the kitchen, they'd always be in the dogs food, I found a few on the second floor, in the room above the kitchen, where the dog food was stored, which was also our studio & where I slept most of the time. Anyway, It's quite possible, well more than likely that I may have ingested quite a few fire ants who'd found their way into my addiction of the time, a red bull can... now with this possibility added to the mix, every one of those B.S. diagnosis given by Dr. Phil & Dr. Phillamena wanna be's are much like my insides, fodder... I've been evaluated by several head doctors only to have them tell me aside from being anxious, there is nothing wrong with me mentally, oh but I guess I faked through their battery of questions & tests...

Why is everyone so quick to assume mental illness when something weird, strange, or seemingly beyond explanation is brought to the light? Why is truth so undervalued? Why is it so hard to take into account a person's character & achievements, & merit? So because I mention I have fire ants coming from my ears and nose, I'm hallucinating? Because I'm having difficulty forming words, I must be high on something?

I'm not all that, some have referred to me as a genius, but I guess that opinion has since faded and now I've crossed the the thin line and now considered "eccentric". When my truth comes out and it's reveal I was not delusional and I was actually correct in accessing my "situation" those who remained loyal will forever be those I offer a fair amount of respect & the same courtesy, yet those who thought me mad should continue to do so as well as keep it moving as I'll be doing the same... I'm not off my nut I just have terrible luck...

I feel like, I''m on fire! You can't imagine my pain, the burning & pinching is maddening!! The Head aches & shakes are unnerving.... I feel as if something is crawling all over me at all tim, My Abdomen is making storage noises, and goes from hot to cool, during intervals I haven't taken the time to measure. I feel as if I am being consumed, imaging my frustration due to not being able to convince someone in the medical field that it's not a delusion, I started to write, "It's not all in my head." but, quite literally, it IS is my head, if I'm interpreting these sensations accurately. I witnessed a fire ant drop from my nose into my laptop keyboard, yet it was thought to be a delusion, WTF is that about. How can I explain any better an insect has crawled from my body, I feel as if I am being eaten alive and no one that I go to.... excuse please, follow for a moment: It took me a whole week to get up the nerve to go to the hospital after seeing the insect fall from my nose due to the very reason I find myself with a mix of emotions. I'm saddened because my pain and suffering continues due to disbelief, I am NOT "the boy crying terrorist/wolf", (My head is splitting, sharp pain! It feels as if something has split open in my head, like a flower blooming.... LITERALLY not a metaphor!) I'm terrified, no one .... something is making my eye jump, I think they may be consuming it.... damn... this shit is not cool, now something is biting at my ankles.... I'm angered that I put my trust in someone only to be disappointed, my spine is on fire..... my tongue feels as if I have eaten nothing but the hottest of all hot peppers all my life the sensation is reminiscent of how it would feel after sucking hot candy, my tongue is on that type of fire, but it does not stop, it is constant! I'm disappointed that the healthcare system trains doctors to be so cynical! How can america claim to be the best of anything when so much of it lacks imagination. I'm depressed for the aforementioned reasons regarding what I've tried to get across to those in a position to help me... It disappoints me so much when I watch politicians claim the usa is this and that yet truth is so under valued.... my mind is drifting forgive me.... I feel what I once thought were spasms but I know think their first sign of a birth/hatch cycle. My neck is aching....my scrotum feels like some one is trying to roast it! I feel as if I'm being pinched and burned all at the same time, everywhere, all at once, and I can't find help WTF??? So this is healthcare in ameri... never mind! Where is the waiver I sign that this in not a false statement so someone will do something before these fire ants kill me... my chest and neck are burning just as bad as my abdomen now. my head feels lopsided, and my equilibrium is off... I have congestion, which is abnormal, not like the congestion I get when my bronchitis would act up, my sputum is think & lumpy, sometimes with blood... the sensation of something crawling in my ear is definitely unnerving..I'm contacting entomology departments from universities and colleges and these people are telling me they can't help me, not even able to provide me with a starting point, not even a reference.... wow my feelings are crushed my faith in the red white & blue dwindles

haunting and most charming
At the same time Daunting almost alarming
It's early morning no where near dawn
every now and again you might feel the need to fight back the occasional yawn
And all remains still
You're 'ill' & early morning hours provide the night owl with in a small thrill
no need for the Dr.'s pill/bill
It's hard not to notice the pulse as the world/day comes to life
sunrise peaking through twilight carving through clouds like a knife
while all is still
the day has been set in motion
and fading are the effects from the narcotic sensation provided after 'sipping night's potion'
gone is that quiet notion
as life springs forth and 'silences' all that was once still...