"Pardon me while I burst into flames...
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games,
So pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame..."
Pardon Me by Incubus ~ 1999

~~

I am always in awe at how inconsiderate people are.
How people's innate sense of kindness and simple manners we used to have for one another is simply nonexistant.

I'm talking about many instances, many different scenarios and many different circumstances... but all with a theme which finds us, as an educated people, numbed (for lack of a better term) with each other and unable to conjure up human emotions and intimacy.

And I blame the internet.

As much as the internet has brought the world 'closer', it has also destroyed our basic human nature to connect in any real manner to one another. It has allowed us to 'pick and choose' so readily, because the variety and options for everything under the sun is right at our fingertips.

Products, entertainment, ideas and people. There is an endless supply of all of these things for our picking via the internet, and everyone who ever logs on is a consumer, of something. Of everything.

"Consumer" used to be assiciated with products: one that acquires goods or services for direct use or ownership.
Or relating to nature: organism that feeds on other organisms in a food chain.

But not anymore.

I think it wonderful that people are now being exposed to ideas they would have never known before the net came along... and I'm very curious to see when the Stanford Binet and the like, the ACT / SAT, as well as all college entrance exams raise their ceilings to accomodate the society that has been born into infinite information at their fingertips.

There's no more effort to 'learning' like there used to be. No more going to 'look things up' in a book.... at the library.... and then trying to find another book someplace to validate or compare what the first book said. No more discussion between people to compare ideas about what you actually went out of your way to find, because it's already done for you. Forums, blogs and professional opinions about everything you could ever want to even think about.
No more research that took physical effort and conviction.
It's all right here, right now, by merely typing in a few words.

Will the average IQ remain the same, due to the the test-makers consideration for this phenomenon?  Or will the average IQ be documented as being 'higher', so they have something to compare with the past... prior to the internet?

I don't know. But I have serious predictions.

We will be smarter, as a society. However, there will still be those without internet access and they will be separate and different. And they will know it. A new kind of bigotry will result. Socio-cultural analysts will have more to study and blame.

There will book collectors, and they will be special... but the books they collect will be not be. Like those who still own vinyl now.
Libraries will house DVDs and CD's and digital EVERYTHING.  The archaic library which houses any kind of bound paper, will be called a museum.

There will be far less marriage. Less tolerance and less commitment to one another. And way more polyamorous relationships. And in turn, more therapists to deal with those who feel forced to 'settle' into a poly relationship, because partners will be so disposable with the sea of fish available via the internet, no one needs to tolerate any behavior or incompatability they once 'worked through' with someone they cared about... the way it was done before the internet existed. Everyone can gorge themselves on their cake until they puke, and it will come to be acceptable. The idea of true romance, soul love, and 'planning together' will be replaced with indesiciveness, subtle indifference and an underlying fear of trust.
Everyone will, at some point, be 'just another one', just a number, and it'll always be a guessing game as to who will start 'browsing' again first.

Cursive writing will considered art. Few will be able to do it and those folks will be considered artists. The wealthy will be taught to use it regularly... like saunas.

Insomnia and arrhythmias will be epidemic. But it will called something else. I don't know what just yet. But there will be new drugs for it.
Information overload, continual multi-tasking and cyber-myalgia will prohibit those who make any attempt at 'health' from seeing any benefit of said 'health'.

All kinds of grass roots organizations will be popping up in unexpected places. The few who don't fall prey to conformity will find some gang-like feeling of 'family' within them. The most popular organizations will be educated and passionate and legitimate. However, they could fall into the 'Lord of the Flies' mentality if things get too bad 'on the grid' and folks start running for the hills. It's the most popular orgs that would be at risk for actually becoming 'religion'.

And I'm not even going to begin on what will happen to our reaction and/or empathy to violence, sex, or crime of any kind. The acts themselves, the perpetrators, or the victims.
I'll save that for the next time I feel like ranting.

I guess it seems like I'm feeling pretty cynical or pessimistic about shit... but that's not necessarily true.
I'm just not happy with people right now. The kind of feeling that makes you think how many people would actually show up to your funeral if you died tomorrow. Or anyone's funeral.
The kind of feeling when you realize you would go to theirs... but they probably wouldn't go to yours.

What the fuck did MySpace do??? 

OK, I'm struggling overe here, this loyal workhorse of a machine scraping by on a mere 384 RAM... barely able to download video, cheating by running on service pack 1 only, thank you very much..... and then THIS????
What the hell? Why can't we just go to the homepage to update our shit, like we've always done? WTF?? Hmmmm? Tom?
Stupid MySpace.  It took me forever to update te BHA blog, god forbid I need to click on something to bring me to another page. It's almost as bad as Facebook, which literally takes me at least a minute to load any page on that stupid-assed POS site.

bah

~~~

Anyhooze... I'm outta school for 3 weeks and it's hot as hell. YAY!

Yay because it's hot and I like the heat... Boo because it requires me to shave my legs every so often to avoid being confused with my 16 year old son.
Yay because I don't have to do 800,000 things before 8am to ready my entire family so we each can go to our designated schools... and Boo because I have to find interesting stuff to do, which usually requires some spending of cash I don't have.
Yay because I'm taking the big kid to see the giant school in a giant state next week... and Boo because I will want to stay there.
Yay because I get to play with my cubs outside every day... and Boo because the cost alone in wasp spray may require a separate credit card. Little fucking demonic messengers from hell. WTF is up with wasps??? Hmmm? God??

~

Shit I have tons to type, but now I'm taking the twins to the only public pool I allow them to swim. Or wade, really. After I load them up with 10,000mgs of Vitamin C and zinc and immune booster crap.
shudder

Happy heat... two days till Solstice.
God I belong on an island. Scantilly clad on an island with No WASPS.  Wouldn't that be nice.

stuff to type about so i don't have to do the very important shit i need to do and can only do today.

i've decided to eliminate all capital letters in this blog. one, because i'm lazy and two, because i'm 12.

i bought a little video camera and i love it. i would have normally capitalized the word 'love' it, but since i'm in rebeliion mode, that's just not happening.
it's the rca small wonder ez201 and was only $95 at circuit city. it's fucking perfect for me and the kids. so i'm sure i'll have a bunch of stupid shit on here to make my blogs and rantings all that more interesting.
yeah, like they could get any more interesting.

i have my written kinesiology final on tuesday and should (should should have been capitalized) be studying right this minute. then i have my hands-on kines final the following tuesday along with my anatomiken 2 final and (imagine and capitalized) movement 2 final on the same day. then i have no school for a whole 10 days. omg, whatever will i do? clean my house and get rid of shit. i dont have alot of shit by any means, but the shit i have needs to go. i just want to gut my house and start over.

in may... on my birthday to be exact, i'll have completed my 'above and beyond three months and 120 classroom hours and had to spend what felt like a gazillion saturdays and sundays in school for an extra shitload of hours') zen shiatsu certification requirements. yay!!!

i'm waiting for a court date to limit the time the twins are with their maggotfuck and change other things so my cubs can be safe and healthy.

my house is a pigsty, though i've never seen one nor have i ever really used that term... i think it's probably appropriate about now. c'mon school break.

my grandmother is hanging in there. she's beginning to get involved in the city's senior center activities and has met and socialized with her neighbors.

my kid gets to shadow the head honcho dude at the museum for a couple of days for some school thing. i told him we should probably go to the museum at least once before that happens.

i bought some new fish. a white oranda with a red 'brainy-head' that we named carl, a golden bottom feeder that one twin named mr.g, and a cool-as-shit bid-assed yellow snail the other twin named chubs. They joined my humongous calico goldfish, phil, who's been alone for many months. it's been a month and they all seem to get along well. i know, that's pretty damn exciting news.

i really should be studying.

i'll be 42 in may and am contemplating having a party.
fuck... 42 in may. wtf?

i miss someone so very much sometimes. i miss several people so very very much sometimes.

i just found out that it is believed i began life as a twin. my mother and her doc when she was carrying me concur. it's called vanishing twin syndrome. 1 out of 8 pregnancies begin as twins. wow, huh?
i can't begin to tell you how this feels. i'm sure i'll type more on this later.

i need to do other stuff.

i want to tell those who matter that i love them. and even though i'm in a mental/emotional limbo right now, i think about you and am looking forward to connecting with you when i get time and can be fully present.
you know who you are.

i hug you tightly!

p.s. i've told myself the next blog will be about things that make me smile.

Ha ha ha ha ha ... ahhhh... this makes me laugh so hard I cry...

Click the ad off at the bottom so you can really enjoy it.

That poor girl will never work again...

I apologize in advance for this REALLY long post. It's for me. And it's about my grandpa.

On Thursday January 31st, my grandpa died. He was 82 years old.

I thought when I blogged last, that things were bad. They were, but they were not like it was going to get in the weeks that followed. The rollercoaster and day by day unpredictability we'd all go through for exactly a month after he went into the hospita, was the only focus of our lives.

His kidneys were done and so the need for dialysis was there, and when they did a simple procedure under the LIGHTEST anesthesia, he died on the table twice and had to be shocked back to the here and now.
From there, and after a VERY intense day filled with many tears from us and hugs from nurses and explanations from 5 different doctors in scrubs, he was moved into ICU, where a blanket of tubes and machines covered his tiny body. I was there when he first opened his eyes after that ordeal... tubes down his throat and looked at me with this look of panic and sadness, tears welling up in his eyes, his wrists restrained to the sides of his thighs so he wouldn't pull the tubes out... and all I could do was well up too, and stroke his head and say, "I know Grandpa... I know."

The next day he pulled his breathing tubes out when noone was watching. He didn't eat solid food for weeks, but slowly got himself to the point where he could move from the bed to a chair and eat something.. in between 'emergencies' every other day with blood sugar or this or that... and he hated the dialysis, Did I mention that aready? Not the act of doing it, because it didn't hurt or anything... he slept most of the time... but it left him even more exhausted than he wlaready was, and he hated the thought.
After he was strong enough to eat on his own, he was moved back upstairs to the room right next to his old room, where everyone knew him, and his spirits were up. He was talking and eating, he was doing some PT, and so the docs finally dismissed him to a nursing home where he could get rehab... make those joints move and get the blood flowing so he can stand and sit by himself and most importantly, go to the bathroom by himself. 

The one he went into was the most pleasant of the few we had to choose from, where the halls were NOT lined with hunched-over incoherent bodies of old people just waiting to die. There was noone to be seen like that, and the people were nice and the rooms were clean and decent.
My grandfather didn't mind it, but the first time he ate with the others in the dinig room, it made him so so sad. He said it was 'full of sick people who can't talk and some who can't feed themselves'. He ate in his room as often as he could.

When he was moved into rehab, my grandmother (and well, many of us) were relieved and felt safe. My grandmother FINALLY slept at her house at night and my mother was able to leave my grandmother with him during the day and not feel bad. I too, felt a relief and did not go to the nursing home every day. But he HATED going to dialysis, asking me often, even though he knew the answer... "These people have to be on it, what? The REST of their lives?"
"Yeah, I think so Grandpa, I think so."
"Ehhh... screw that, I'd rather die." and wave his hand in the air.

I told him I was going to bring him in a boom box because he has a gazillion tapes, and he didn't like watching TV. We weregoing to move the furniture around, too. He said he didn't want anything being brought in from home because he didn't want us getting him too comfortable as he wasn't going to be there that long. He was depressed, and the few times he ate in the dining room seeing other people, he got even more depressed.

Last Tuesday, I took the twins over to the nursing home after school and we talked to him through his window, because they has a sniffle and I didn't want them going inside. I had plannned on hanging out with him and my grandmother at his dialysis on Thursday after school, but I got a call from my mother on Thursday morning, so I met my mother at the ER right after seeing the twins off at their school.

What had happened was that he had fallen in the 2 minute span of alone-ness and that was it. The place put him on the bed and did CPR, while someone tried to call my grandmother... but whoever write the number down, had written it incorrectly and couldn't get in touch with her. So one of the employess drove to my grandmothers house to tell her the news, she called my mother at her home 2 blocks away, (my grandmother and mother actually sleeping at their OWN homes for only the third night ever) and they went to the ER. My grandfather was gone when they got there.

I arrived to find my grandmother by his side stroking his head, his mouth again with tubes hanging out, but with a peaceful look. I hugged her and hugged her and she sobbed and sobbed telling me how just last night he said this and she said that.
She told me that she woke up that morning, about 20 minutes before the nursing home lady got to her house, from a dream. She said in this dream, my grandfather told her that she needed to stay with his son near their old house in FL, as opposed to staying with her sister. He said that his son (who came out to CO twice in the last month) will drive her to the funeral, and not to worry.
"Imagine that! A message from him right at the time it was happening", she said.
I smiled and agreed. Wow.

I spent 2 hours there with them at the ER, people coming in to talk about what to do with the body, since he's being buried in FL in a plot he and my grandmother have had for years. The coroners office coming in, she needing to sign this and that, phone calls to the local funeral homes, family in FL, etc.

I asked if someone could remove the tubes and dialysis shunts and whatever else was sticking out of him, so after a little while a couple of nurses came in and we went into the hall and they removed everything. We came back to find him very 'naked' and he seemed so small on that little bed.  The room was bare, no equipment in it, nothing on the walls... just a bathroom...  so I figured this was the 'dead room', and I wondered how many people had been in and out of this room and if any still lingered around.

I had never been this close to a dead person... and honestly I expected something else. When I arrived, I held his hand, stroked his head and touched him as if nothing was different. He was warm and it was not weird or disturbing at all. But it was NOT my grandfather, either. I felt relieved and almost happy and it was like some kind of stuffed animal or ... fuck... I don't even know how to explain it. Surreal. It was just his body, and DOH, it WAS his body.. it felt like JUST his body.  And I realized right then, how people can work with the dead and not be bothered. When most folks are usually so grossed out.

By the time I left, he was much colder and the tubes had been removed. His teeth were not in, which makes anyone look unlike themselves, so again, it didn't FEEL like my grandfather. He simply was not there. My eyes were finally dry but I felt so much hurt for my grandmother. Her turning to me, looking right into my eyes and asking me, "How am I going to live without him? How am I going to do that?"
And I responded with words that seemed to calm her and stopped her tears, if even for a minute. Because she can and she will.

I had to go to school, and then be Mama after that, and though I did not tell the twins, I did tell my older son that night. My grandfather willed him his most precious possession, his mandolin... and the ONLY reason my grandfather verbalized to anyone as his ONLY reason to get better... was to be able to sit on the porch of his new home and play his mandolin with his great grandson, my son accompanying him on the guitar.

So, that was Thursday, and today is Monday.
The other night, my big kid saw my grandmother for the first time since the news and she gave him the mandolin. It was probably one of the most memorable moments that my kid will ever have. The kid has played around with it before, and was able to play something in a matter of an hour (the strings are 'backwards' and a gajillion of them), so he was honored, and excited about it since very few (young) people actually play it.
And when he took it out and played alone on the couch, my grandmother stood listening in silence the kitchen with more tears... because this instrument was the identity of my grandfather.. and it was just fucking awesome to have that given to this child who will cherish it and actually play it.

My mother and grandmother leave for FL this week and return next week. Tonight I tell the twins, and we all go eat dinner. There will be tears again, but at least they saw and talked to him last week, if even though his window.
They were always so sweet to him. He was their ONLY grandfather they had. (The only one I really knew, too)  And they were always so generous with hugs and kisses... not like I'd think little kids would normally be with old people.

A couple of weeks ago, my mother watched them when I had weekend calsses at school, and they and my grandmother had visited two nursing homes to decide where my grandfather would go when released form the hospital. They visited the one he was in, and another (ikky) one... one that would leave an impression on them forever.
One night, along with a breakdown they were having from the fucked-up shit their father does to them... they brought up that ikky nursing home and bawled and bawled.
They were both hysterical about how they saw these old people, all alone, in the halls just waiting to die and noone was visiting them. One of my kids said that he saw a nurse come by and wheel oldlady away from where she was sitting and told her she HAD to go into the room she was taking her. The woman told the nurse that she didn't want to go... and that she was going to miss her show, and 'please'... and the nurse just wheeled her away.
And this resonated with my kids to a degree I couldn't even believe. They talked about empathy (their extreme amount, the lack of  that amount in 'regular people', and confused souls of those like their father who don;t have any at all). They talked about lonliness, Dr Kevorkian, volunteers, dying, and appreciation for the elderly.

I cried with them... my fucking brilliant children, who at 8 years old, came to the conclusion that they wanted to become something powereful... like polititians, leaders of a grass roots NPO, lawyers... SOMETHING that had some power to change things... because as far as they were concerned, no one should EVER suffer in lonliness or pain... or BE alone like those old people with no hope for anything different. And is someone decides they are done living, they should be allowed to stop living.
They cried about how much it sucks to have so much empathy like they do, because it hurts... all the time. Whenever they think about things, they just hurt.

And I told them, but it's only the ones that FEEL that DO.  The people who make those changes are the ones who have this empathy they consider a burden. And I reminded them how important they are... because they would not have been born with so much, if they were NOT going to do great things with it.

And so... back to right now. Tonight I tell them. They don't see their maggotfuck for the next 9 days so there won't be his crap to stress them out, so I think they'll be OK. My grandmother might have a little meltdown when she sees them, but it'll be over in a few minutes and we can have a nice long dinner together.

As far as my grandmother, she's doing amazingly well. She's on a 'something-zapam' to help her function, and she is. She's eating and sleeping no worse than she did before, and she's very organized and holding herself together most of the time. It's only when she talks about a story or comes across certian things that she breaks down. But when she talks about the details for the funeral, she's got it together. Her eyes are always teary.

She's going to see TONS of family this weekend and cry until she cant any more... rehashing the same feelings and story over and over... and honestly I'm glad I'm not going to be there. I'll have her back home next week, and I anticipate her being more fragile for a while, because of dealing with the finality of everything. Seeing him placed in the ground... jesus... :o( ....  she'll come home a 'widow'. And we will include her as part of our day to day lives, every day... for a while, anyway. After getting all the legal crap in order, bank shit and ALL the paperwork... when it's 'done'... we'll introduce her to the senior center and help her make friends. She likes being in her space, her stuff and her alone time... but things maybe pretty different for a bit.

Did I mention how much I adore this woman? She's got another at least 10 years with us, (we're Italian, remember), and I want to make sure that she's busy enough to have a 'life'. And now she has to form a life from scratch. My mother and myself are totally responsible for making sure that happens. 

A few more creepy things happened after his death, to her, me and a couple others that were errily uncanny and makes me smile all goofy-like. Today, just an hour ago, while I was there eating breakfast and talking about these things, she told me that prior all this, she didn't believe in 'these things'... but now she does.
And that alone makes me nod and smile.

So there ya go. It's taken me 3 days to type all this. One thing or another made me stop a thousand times, but here it is. My therapy.  I do have some happy news sprinkled in here and there, but this blog was just for this.

I love you Grandpa!  Thank  you!

My grandfather is dying.
Could be days. Maybe weeks. And it's horrible to be part of.
It's been a high-crisis situation since December 31st when he was admitted to the hospital for one thing and it turned into 10 more. And it's been increasing since.
Well... actually it's been a 'situation' for months and months. My grandmother (who I adore, am soooo like) and he moved here on December 9th, to live with my mother while their furniture and crap was being shipped out here from FL. They 'moved' into their place, just blocks from both me and my mother, on the Dec 23rd. In the smack dab of the shittiest, coldest part of the fucking year.

My mother had brought them both back with her after having to go to FL to take care of my grandmother in the hospital for two weeks. And before that, she had to take care of my grandfather for a month in August. It was determined that if she had to leave her life here in CO to fly to FL because they needed here, they were gonna have to move here. And holy shit were we excited. 
YAY.. my grandma with me again after 17 years. I spend summers living inher house in Sunrise, FL every year, coming home only on the weekends because my mom worked full time. My mother would come over after work and stay until after dinner and then go home, to repeat it every day and take me home with her on Fridays. Then Monday's drop me off again. I loved it. 

I loved helping out in the vacuum cleaner store (they've had a gazillion) and swimming every day and eating crab salad and romain lettuce for lunch and eating those expensive Pinwheel cookies that we could never afford. I loved watching TV at the foot of my grandparents bed while they drank coffee and I had hot chocolate and we all had cake. I loved going to ceramics class with her and painting Goofy and Minnie, and the smell of dishwasher detergent all the time in theor house, because there was ALWAYS a load washing.

Annnyway...  my grandmother wanted to, HAS wanted to be out here with us for quite some time... (I moved here 17 years ago and mym other 16 years ago) my mother and I being her only kin, (my grandfather having 4 children of his own).

But his children are too busy, too preoccupied and too self-centered to step up to the bat to take care of their own when they got sick, so my mother has been the one during any and every event that requires this kind of responsibility, nursing commitment and love. Even at 3000 miles away.

And a few weeks ago... it was as if mygrandfather became stable enough to come out here with my grandmother...get her into the house... make sure everything was here... so he can leave her all set up and settled where she wanted to be.

I've been out of school since Dec 15th. I don't begin school again until the 9th, but I've not had one minute to breathe, take any kind of 'vacation' or do anything with my children on their break of two weeks because I've been taking care of my grandparents.
I've ignored EVERYONE, and I'm so sorry for this... but I just don't have ANY FUCKING TIME, nor do I care to talk to anyone, care about anyone else's problems, or have any desire to tell anyone what's been going on with me. I just don't have ANY room  or time to give a shit about anyone else right now. I just don't.
The movers arrived the week after they got here and all we've done is help unpack, subject my kids to boring hours upon hours of helping these two frail people do things they can't do on their own.

And my mother should be granted sainthood because what she's been doing is nothing short of complete and utter sacrifice. I don't think she's slept in her home more than once since they've moved into theirs. Because my grandfather has been so unstable and my grandmother is lost and confused when things get too scary. With boxes up to the ceiling in most of their house, my mother has spent every day AND night with them unpacking and putting away, driving to a doctors appointment every single fucking day... calling paramadics and trying to get my grandmother... who is one of the strongest people I've ever met... to not worry and allow her to help.

See, my grandmother has suffered through EVERYthing a person can actually have (slight exaggeration) and has lived through it. She's lived the past decades of her live in chronic pain with relief here and there, but even into her 80's still organized bacci ball clubs wherever she lived, was on bowling leagues, cooked like a fiend every day, played cards like a pro and could tell you stories as if you were watching a sepia-colored movie without the words. 

Born into a family of 9 kids in 1923.. she's got some stories. She's had cancer, brain tumors, meningitis, diverticulitis, spine surgeries, brain surgeries, total histerectomy, on and on. She's had procedures and surgeries, she's been on meds and there were times where we almost lost her.. but she pulled through every singe one of those times. And most of these things happened in her 70's and 80's.
She's a tank. She's amazing. And funny as hell. Did I mention how much I adore her?

She's had to bury her parents, 4 of her 8 brothers and sisters and some of their children, and some friends. Marrying young and then divorcing (such a sin) to marry again... she's never been 'alone'. How is she going to do this at 85?
Even with my mom and me and the kids right next door? It's so very different.
:o(

My grandarents were married in 1960, I believe. That's a long time. Second marriage for both of them.And now, this powerhouse of a man who could sell a fish water is at the end of his body's cycle. His mind sharp and clear. The last thing he ever wanted was to be back in the hospital.
He had diabetes for 15 years, but always under control, but in August, he went in for a simple hernia surgery and then the nightmare began, His kidneys were fucking up, his potassium levels were crazy, his blood sugar could not be regulated, his heart was swelling and not functioning, and NO ONE could figure out what the fuck was wrong with him and WHY it was doing all these crazy things.
One 'simple' precedure reduced this man to the frail shell of what just recently was a loud, outspoken, active man. He is now small and sad and lost. His body is finished but his mind isn't. And he's 82 and it's as if he's just about 6 years old.
All he can do is listen to the docs.. and let them do whatever they want because if they don't he will surely die within days, he's so messed up. And he has plenty of docs.
A heart doc, a kidney doc, a bladder doc, and a primary doc, but luckily they all are in the same town and work at the same hospital.
So today, after being admitted on New Years Eve for skyrocketed blood sugar, he wound up needing dialysis after every test, every scan and every ultrasound showed his kidleys and heart are hurting. A foley tube, an IV and now a stent for the bloob decorates his skin ad bones frame.

And I'm so sad.
My grandmother is so so sad. She's going to have to bury another one she's loved so very very much. Who she made this very promise, and now that time is here. Who really is prepared for that when it happens? No matter how much time you have to prepare. She's exhausted, she's not left his side since he was brought in, as there's a fold out cot in the room and the nurse also helps them roll in the sitting area's recliner into the room at night, as well, so both she and my mother can sleep. She can't hear for shit and is confused by anything the doctors tell her, which just leads to her being lost without my mother there. She's got all her wits about her, just her hearing is shot (next on our agenda = hearing aid) and so many doctors saying so many things has her overwhelmed and flustered.
And guilty.
For all the things we tend to feel guilty about when we know our time with a special person is over.
Two of his children are here, just flew in last night, and one more on the way. The forth and he don't speak, and it's best. This shit is real.
:o(

Tomorrow (Jan 6th) is my family's big X-Mas dealie. Needless to say, this whole holiday season has left a fuckinghelluvalot to be desired.
But my kids are excited, as am I. I bought them some pretty neat stuff, I'm making their favorite food and it actually 'feels' like a special day. Which makes me excited and happy. My mother will be with us, so we'll eat at 2pm or so on my very clean house, and open presents and take pictures.

Then we'll take my small fuzzy X-Mass tree, a string of blue X-Mas lights, the leftover food and the yummies I've baked along, with sparkling apple cider, to the hospital.
My mother's gifts for the kids will be saved until we're there (as well as the small gifts my grandmother wanted me to pick up from them to the kids) and we'll have coffee and yummy stuff and be together. Because my grandmother won't leave the hospital, and my aunt and uncle will be there, as well. My big kid will bring his guitar and hopefully this will be a really joyful day. If even it's made from just one hour. I think it's be really really good.

I love my grandpa.
And I wish he would stick around so my cubs can know him and have a grandpa, because they don't. Never had and when he leaves, won't. He's it.
Oh well. This is his journey.
But it's exhausting and sad for us. And it's not ending until it ends. And then a new life awaits my grandmother. And my mother and I are responsible for that.
Did I mention how much I adore my grandmother?
I have cute pics of them sleeping in my Xmas blog from last year.

I'm tired. I need all this on top of all the maggotfuck's shit I have to get through this month. Yeah... tired.

Happy 6th People. It's when I begin my new year. So happy happy X-Mas!
Call your grandparents.

 I think shit like this is simply FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!

Salad Fingers Part 2

I even wrote the guy and told him how fucking brilliant he is.

And yes, there's a series of Mr. Fingers episodes.

Happy New Year !!

So today is officially Christmas.
It's difficult for my fingers to type that word, as we've eliminated that 'holy-day' for our celebration of X-mas, many years ago.

Being Italian, the big-assed Christmas goings-on was very much the highly anticipated norm of Christmas Eve. The night involved ahelluvalot of food, alot of presents, old people going to midnight mass, and family you only saw this time of year.
Christmas Day was the mini version of the night before, but with different and far fewer folks.
And all that "Christmas" stuff was a LONG time ago.

And as much as I miss my steadfast Italian traditions, I'm also quite happy with the morphing of what is now my immediate family's X-Mas season. (I've managed to milk this baybeh for all it's worth.)

1. An honor of the winter solstice on the actual day, with personal intentions and good tidings to others... perhaps attending a 'thing'... or perhaps not, to celebrate that this god-for-saken darkenss at 4 in the afternoon bullshit is going to end soon.
2. What could be considered a small feast and small gifts for my family on Dec 24th, keeping within my ethnic traditions
3. On the 25th, depending on the mood and plans of friends or family, I usually wind up eating again, in some sort of fancier-than-regular meal.
4. And on January 6th, what could be considered 'real' feasting with all the baking of sugary crap that accompanies it, goofy happiness and excitement, the 'big' presents that make me really happy to give my cubs (since I can afford the after-christmas sales and non-rush), and the bittersweet farewell of the whole stressful 'holiday' season.
This is my family's real holiday day. And since this takes place in the new year, it's a smack in the head to let go of the past year and dive into the new one. 
Yes, I've taken 'Little Christmas' (another christian holiday called Epiphany... and if you don't know what that is, you're a dumb-ass and should Google it before you live another day)... and turned it into our 'Big X-Mas'!  Been doing it for years now and everyone loves it. And I know this is going to be passed down to the offsprings' offspring and so on. How cool is that?

We have a tree and funky stockings, lights and cool decorations. And everything is blue... and silver... with some black and purple, and really ANY other color than red or green... (shudder) and no reference to the Jesus baby, or the grown one for that matter, or the hairy paraphilic fat guy and the deer.
It's about winter, and it's pretty, and allows me to tolerate the most intolerable part of the year to a surprising degree. It's a party when the other parties have ended and something to make the beginning of the new year more welcomed.

So tonight I celebrated the 24th with the grandparents that just moved here and as the kids were opening their little gifts, I thought of what I'd like to give myself if I were asked what I wanted for the 24th and it's giving of little gifts, and I came up with this list.
And yes, these are actual things that would make me really happy if I unwrapped them.

1. A chunk of Peranno cheese.
2. A bag or two of Flat Earth fruit chips
3. A cheap plant
4. (more) Black rubber bracelets  (cuz I'm 12)
5. A black marbled-like sheet for my massage table
6. A gift certificate to a thrift store
7. A can of cashews
8. A large vanilla latte with whole milk and double vanilla
9. A can or two of Reddi-Whip
10. Candles
11. A fresh glazed Dunkin Donut
12. An electric toothbrush
13. Gloves
14. After X-Mas ornaments that I wind up hanging all over my ceiling year round
15. Super dark chocolate

A few years ago and you would have seen bubble wrap and shredded parmesan cheese on that list. Seems I've outgrown the bubble wrap, and we eat shredded cheese all the time. But they were damn fine smile-makers at the time.
Anyhooze... I may have to 'spoil' myself and bend to the will of the giving season and purchase an item or two or three and throw them under my blue and silver tree.
Looky there, that almost rhymed.

Gah, I'm tired. Cuz it's almost 3am.

So have a wonderful Day of whatever it is that you may or may not celebrate, and if you can't think of any good stocking stuffers for next year for whatever holi or non holi-day, feel free to use my list.

Until later...
*Hug*