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nothing_toxic

北海道

Last Updated: 11/8/2009

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October 11, 2009 - Sunday 9:55 AM

Shedding tears
Current mood:

sad
Category: Blogging

She is on her long ride, it’s been 3 hours on the bus alone, it’s raining so hard a long the way. She took out her glance through the bus window on the right hand side and she begun to read email sent from her friend in Vietnam about Health check up result, she happened to shed her tears, by telling silently to herself to be stronger and accept the fact of what truly happening, I hate to see her crying tears, she once again becoming a misery in front of everyone eyes on the bus. They keep their eyes glaring this girl, what is the hell happening to her, her teardrops can’t be hold but rolling down like a river, I wanted to ask her too,

Cry for what?
Does you cry for the medical result?
Does the songs you hear are sad? Made you wanna cry?
Crying doesn’t help to make things right, you can’t see forever, you can’t see her sadness, loneliness, emptiness, and her miserable memories..
The pain she has hold for years and the tears to rain her heart the way you have seen these rainy days. Outside the bus, you can’t stop her tears, either to stop the rain.

Rain and tear is only a story of her shedding tear, I wish I knew why. The more I stop her the more I get hurt, I feel what she feels, let’s alone those crying tears fall as much as they want to, she doesn’t look like a normal person any longer and I don’t look like a strong woman as I used to..

I happened to ask her another question when I didn’t mean to.. The Video song of She will be loved shown on the bus, she is again shedding her tears and I am reminded of an opera film I’ve seen last year, Where elephants weep, I started to cry too, I was trying to wipe her teardrops and she wiped me my tears.. But still shedding tears come..

I wonder should I tell her for all the crazy things I’ve through and I don’t want us to cry and search for an answer, in the world full of strangers but what I’ve found were never real.. Cry no more tears

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October 10, 2009 - Saturday 7:13 PM

TEXT FOR CONSIDERATION!!
Current mood:

inspired
Category: Life

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October 9, 2009 - Friday 4:15 PM

SILENCE..
Current mood:

scared
Category: Writing and Poetry

Silence..

Some people read your mind, some not, some isn’t worth to picture in your memory, I have only small memory to process my old and poor laptop for a living, I have nothing to attract people to fall in my way what I can do is be who I am and I care so much about what to do for myself not to care so much for others view, so by considered to be selfish what else you are kind of? Why need to tell people you are down to earth person? Why make so much of air pollution around your smelly body? Wearing nice dresses, act so nice.. Behave like you’re not yourself.. Pretending can never last long little kitty, are you a kettle? No no .. Only a dirty doll which give away on the street and that beggar acting so nice to you, Oop…. I am wrong, she is actually not a beggar on the street but a very kind senile and can steal things from others and be brave to offer what you like to satisfy poor brain of the doll on the street, being a stupid and absent mind of the poor doll keep smiling and forget of why she were mercilessly left behind..

She laughs and laughs everyday.. Because she is proud of good moment that beggar can give her, no one love her the way she is loved.. The beggar dare to starve but to feed the doll their foods.. Can’t blame because she is only a doll that I threw away and pray not to see again, the doll is only a doll not a devil but I am scared of doll after I’ve seen an American movie about the horrible doll..

I hope the doll and the beggar love each other to die until the each side going to the hell or jail, do you think the doll will always be with the beggar even in the jail? Even the doll knew that beggar steals other people property, although the foods she has been eating everyday are stolen .. What a pity beggar and what a silly doll..

It doesn’t make sense to express your feeling on paper, don’t you have friend to bare your stuff? most important is to be honest to your feeling and choosing what is right and what is not to wrong others, no matter they like you or not, up to them. DON’T BEHAVE LIKE THE DALL if you a real person to live on earth.

Can’t blame because she is only a smelly dirty doll.. her cheapest attitude compiles and impacts her future the way she would be deserved to..

But she has one thing is good for people besides stubbornness is her SILENCE.
Silence is often count on people but it’s not count on me because I hate silence of humankind

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October 8, 2009 - Thursday 11:34 PM

LAVIVA..
Current mood:

ashamed
Category: Writing and Poetry

LAVIVA,

They say don't fall in love with a person that you know well that you can never get the heart and you're not worth to love s/he because you can't be loved.

They say don't fall in love with a person that you met once, you may result worst than what you had expected.

They say don't admit someone first about your love toward s/he because you can't access to what does make sense whether you are loved.

They say don't fall in love with a dreamer because you can never fill up what they needed from you.

They say don't express your emotional passion over the air because you will really hard to collect it back.

They say this and they say that.. It doesn't stop me from not falling in to you, I hate myself to see you every single nigh in those dreams, I don't wanna be a dreamer, and I feel guilty to think of you, yet I miss you LAVIVA

You will never know,

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October 1, 2009 - Thursday 5:28 PM

What you don't know
Current mood:

impressed

What you dont know

What you don’t know
Is that your scars are beautiful
What you don’t know
Is your imperfections are what make me whole
What you don’t know
Is how I spiral down
Cause I can’t speak whenever you’re around

And it’s not like me to hide behind a wall

And it’s not like me to fear the fall.

What you don’t know
Is that I lie awake
Wishing you were here tonight
What you don’t know is
that I loved you long before we were alive
Cause how would you know, how could you know
So now I’m gonna tell you everything

What you don’t know
I have studied the way you walk
What you don’t know
Is I’ve already kissed you in the shadows of my heart
What you don’t know
Is that you’re poetry
If you turn around there’s someone you won’t see
Yeeaah

And it’s not like me to hide behind a wall

What you don’t know
is that I lie awake
Wishing you were here tonight
What you don’t know
Is that I loved you long before we were alive
But how would you know, how could you know?
So now I’m gonna tell you everything

What you don’t know
What you don’t know

What you don’t know
Is when the moon and the sun collide
The morning comes this time I won’t be afraid to try

What you don’t know
is that I lie awake
Wishing you were here tonight
What you don’t know
That I loved you long before we were alive
But how would you know, how could you know?
So now I’m gonna tell you everything

What you don’t know
Heey,
What you don’t know

—————————————-

To my Beloved, nothing_toxic

I don’t mind at all that you are a busy bee! I want you to take care of business first. That is family, friends and your work place etc… it’s your priority! So take care of it first. I am just a misery to you whenever you have time hit me up! That is a slang word meaning get in touch with me. If you don’t know I’m pretty sure you do! Anyways I’m not expecting for you to be there for me every single day and night. I understand that you have a lot to get done. It is good to hear that you like everything that you do in your role because of me, I’m thankful for that! If I could help you get through the dark cloud that is getting in your way I will! Even though it is complicated for you right now. I’m sure you’ll do just fine, I have faith in you.

I know that I don’t know that much about you and your true feelings. If I remind you of someone in the past, let that feeling always be with you…with me! I like the way you are and who you are? I have this CHEMISTRY that I have for you from the start. I can’t recall how I end up falling into your perfection! And yes, it’s a dream! If you are a dreamer! I hope that you don’t want to wake up from your dream and not seeing him there lying next to you. I’m SORRY to put you through this! I’ve read your recently writing from you! INNUMERABLE of times! At countless nights and days even when I’m taking a shower! No need for me to take the paper that I print out for myself to take it with me to everywhere I go! It’s already been memorize in my head. Silly me! And yes, it is easy to love someone that you never knew! Better than someone that you used to know, am I right or wrong? It’s like a dream! Imagine this in a dream, when I stand in a wall full of mirrors all around me and there you were standing face to face with me. “picture this In your head” when I see you I put both of my palm up against the mirror with your palm the only thing that kept us from being together is the wall of mirror between us two! That I can’t get through to you! If only I could walk through the mirror I will! Just to be there with you not just one night but every night when I’m dreaming of you. I want to look at you in the eye and embrace myself to you with my arms wrap around you and my lusted lips touching yours with our eyes close! This is my LASCIVIOUS dream that I have for you! I hope it’s yours too! If you feeling me the way I feel about you! It’s just a dream! Whenever I think of you and read your letter it felt like I have a butterfly in my stomach!

What is the story behind Sakura and Hokkaido please explain it to me I don’t get it! You must of watch too many Japanese and Chinese movies I bet huh! Anyways, let me used Sakura and Hokkaido in my writing to see if you get it or not! I’m sure you will!

If Sakura decide to leave her from her misery whenever Hokkaido take her away from him and I will always know that he’ll be missing her very much. If Sakura can’t have her, there is no point of living to see Hokkaido has taken her away from him. If she doesn’t hear from him within six months to a year, he is in HEAVEN! He is no longer existed in the face of the earth. Whenever you think of him just look up to sky with a smile and he’ll smile back at you down from heaven! He’ll be waiting for you in heaven’s gate. When it’s your time to departure, it’s just like being at the airport waiting for your arrival. And he’ll be holding a sign saying I’m here for non-toxic! Then you’ll know that for all those time we’ve finally meet each other for the very first time in heaven. This letter is from Sakura the person that you never knew! Who’s longing to be with someone like you!

The video song “what you don’t know” this is my dedication to you! It will remind me of you! I promise you that! There will be no other. It has that meaning between me and you. I hope you are not dropping tears as you read my letter sent dearly to you from afar. I got the feeling that you will! It is sad to see Sakura has died not knowing that he did! Knowing that his soul is still alive but was unable to communicate to his beloved! So all he could do is watch her suffers the pain that she’s going through without him around to give her comfort and a shoulder to cry on! It is so sad, I guess I have to stop here for right now it is making me shedding endless tears again. I want you to take a good look at the video and figure it out on your own.

I want to say that I like you! I don’t want to say that I love you because it will not last forever, if it’s not really there! I rather say farewell instead of goodbye because saying goodbye only want to make me cry! And if I do say goodbye I will never going to see you or hear from you ever again! That’s the true meaning of goodbye!

I hope you like every letter that I wrote to you. If my writing is not emotional to you please disregard every letter that I’d sent to you! I want you to print it out on a piece of paper to take it with you to read to everywhere you go, read it when you’re bored or when you thinking of someone like me! I might not be around any longer, I feel like giving up in life, if you know what mean! I’d already express it in my writing. You should figure it out what I’m writing about! Before I go to Heaven I want to post my picture for you see, I don’t look like a normal person that you imagine me to be! I’m not that decent, I don’t fit the description of my role of course as you describe me as. Like they say don’t judge the book by its cover! You’ll never know what you’ll find until you open it up! I hope my looks don’t frighten you! I might be an ugly duckling but I have a good heart! So please don’t laugh at me! If you do decide to laugh please laugh silently and not me letting me hear your laugh!

From your beloved, misery forever yours! And take care……. I will be missing you dearly………………………too eternity!

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August 12, 2009 - Wednesday 4:38 PM

My dream brother
Current mood:

impressed
Category: Life

My dream brother

August 11, 2009 – 11:38 PM
Posted in Diary

My dearest boss happened to call me right the time I was writing my diary, I have no more tears to drop for few minutes during our conversation, he said so many right things even if he already got drunk, I trusted him as he were in his normal sense, he still be the same person that I’ve admired for years, I had no clue what make things right until I met him, I wish if he were my real brother.

He’s deserved to be a very happy and successful person in all world. I’m blessed to have a wonderful privilege moment being with him for years, he’s amazing man to every women, he’s a very grateful son to his parent, he’s very good brother to their family, but to me he’s even better and more special respectful person.

I have to keep smiling for the big move, I’m glad I made it through.. My beloved boss, he is the same person to make me cry, it’s of course tear of joys. I’m honestly impressed by his encouragement attitude toward me. I have guts to move my life on while everyone wish me to be stronger and wanted me to walk forward to better new days, though I’m not supposed to let them down because of my weakness any longer.

The words on the air blow me feel even more better than cool breezes, as an idealistic inspiration to me, to wake me up from a very coldest place and darkest night… nightmares no longer with me when he’s begun to express me his good feeling about me, act as a real brother existed in reality on my lonely world.

I’m not really sure, how he does understand well about what I’m eager in my real world needs, brother you absolutely read my mind.. he said he like and love me be his real sister, and he wanted me to know that.. he said he wanted me to live stronger and to be a better person in the future.

I’m speechless and I didn’t know how to keep our conversation go further, I never knew that I would have been finally treated so nice and warm from a person that I wish I could be someone who can help in my entire life to.. I wish I could if only I would be able to reach his needs.

Thank you so much my brother, I’m very much grateful for the time being with you and I’m very excited about everything and words you have told and guided me right from wrong, you have brighten up my life, and you build a bridge of confidence for me to go on.

.. And special thank once again for your best concerning about my life, your call at the moment has been considered as an eventful anniversary moment for me to celebrate annually. I’ll remember just like this until my memory won’t be able to memorize things.

I would never say good bye to you, but I wish to say farewell to everyone but you.. Even I’m no longer be able to contribute as much as I could for you and the place I’ve been working for years, that why those countless memories pull out teardrops every time I read your words. Needless to say I’ll learn to live stronger and I’ll remember all your words, it’s very obvious to us that we love each other faithfully.

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August 10, 2009 - Monday 7:37 PM

HER RESIGNATION…
Current mood:

sad

DEAR BOSS,

MY WARMEST GREETING!!

ACCEPT MY SINCERE APOLOGY TO BOTHERS IN REGARD TO MY INQUIRIES AS BELOW:

I HAVE SUBMITTED MY RESIGNATION LETTER TO MR. SAM POUK SINCE 03/AUG/2009 AS PER ATTACHED AND HE AGREED TO OFFER HIS KIND PERMISSION ON BEHALF OF TOP MANAGEMENT FOR ME TO LEAVE LSL WITHOUT ANY CONDITIONS RESPECTFULLY.

IT'S MY HONEST TO DO THINGS ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY REQUIREMENTS AND DESIRES. EVEN THOUGH, I'M WILLING TO TRANSFER ALL MY KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE TO SOMEONE WHO IS COMING TO REPLACE MY POST.

THIS WEEK IS MY LAST PERIOD OF RESIGNATION AND I HAVE NOT BEEN INSTRUCTED FROM TOP MANAGEMENTS ABOUT ANY PLAN BEFORE MY LEAVE AND I HAVE NOT ANNOUNCED IN PUBLIC TO OUR GOOD AGENTS AND PARTNERS, YET CLIENTS ABOUT MY UP COMING RESIGNATION.

IN ALL HONESTY, I'M WORRIED AND CONCERNED SO MUCH IF I COULDN'T FINISH MY DUTY PROPERLY BEFORE I COULD LEAVE THIS ESTEEMED COMPANY TO OTHER ONCE PEACEFULLY THEN I WOULD REALLY REGRET AND FEEL GUILTY.

I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO MISS EVERYTHING HERE AND THERE (TSF & LSL), WORLDS TRULY CAN'T DESCRIBE ALL MY FEELING ABOUT YOU GUYS, IF YOU WOULD LET ME CALL YOU BROTHER (BONG PIV & BONG POUK) I KNOW CLEARLY THAT YOU HAVE DONE A LOT FOR ME IN MY LIFE TIME BEING WITH YOU. I'VE BEEN LEARNING MANY THINGS DURING MY RESPONSIBILITIES UNDER YOUR KIND GUIDANCE AND TEACHING.

UNDOUBTEDLY TELL YOU, I HAVE TODAY BECAUSE OF YOU!! I'M BLESSED TO BE WITH YOU FOR THE TIME BEING, IT MIGHT NOT SO LONG BUT LONGER THAN I HAD EXPEDITED IT TO..

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I STILL WANNA BE YOUR OBEDIENT STAFF FOREVER NO MATTER WHERE I AM HERE OR THERE WORKING FOR OTHER, BUT MY MIND AND FEELING WILL BE FOR YOU AND THE COMPANY I'VE BEEN LOVING FOR YEARS, I HOPE YOU WOULDN'T MIND AND FORGIVE ME IF I'VE MADE MISTAKES ACCIDENTLY FOR THE TIME BEING.

MY LEAVING MIGHT NOT UPSET EVERYONE, BUT I'M VERY DEPRESSED AND SUFFERED A LOT TO WRITE THIS LETTER TO YOU, I'VE BEEN CRYING A LOT THESE DAYS AS I'M MISSING EVERYTHING, MY WORKING PLACE AND THE PEOPLE I’VE WORKED WITH FOR ALMOST 6 YEARS. HOWEVER I WISH TO MEET YOU UP IN PERSON ONE DAY BEFORE MY LEAVE IN ORDER TO EXPRESS MY APPRECIATION AND I'M VERY MUCH GRATEFUL FOR ALL SUPPORT AND HELP SO FAR.

KINDLY ASSIST TO ADVISE ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO FIT COMPANY RULES AND NEEDS.

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August 10, 2009 - Monday 6:03 PM

The sad love story
Current mood:

numb
Category: Writing and Poetry

August 11, 2009 – 1:41 AM
Posted in Diary
Edit

As I begun to write about A sad love story as I was weeping, and I was trying to wipe off those useless tears that keep rolling down one after another as non stop running tears when the boy came to an old studio where he often came to play the unfinished lyric of guitar. I was crying like a kid waiting for her dad to be back home. My dad will never be home like he used to because he’s changed. Cool breezes bring and recall back my miserable and sadden memories with those running nose and tears, I hate her again.

I’m not sure what type of person who I am but I’m seriously hate myself for being so weak. Why would I always need to put smile on my dummy face each time I go out or anytime I meet people when the heart keep crying quietly as she’s been practicing to be a new person who’s never existed, yet a strongest person like she act one. I don’t want that way and I don’t want to be all alone every single night and days because revolutionary living have made them move on pretty well as I hate those confidences of revolution as I honestly hate myself. I can’t be a right person or wrong one but I never ruin anyone life and I wonder why I still in the same bad position in their eyes. I’m not gonna ask for forgiveness nor sympathy from those who care in my own business. Why people never enough of what they own.

I’m only a simple human be, it is not easy to live a simple life in all darkest nights without optimization of possible reflection.
I’ve only begun thy writing when I’m inspired by one of a very sad love film I’ve ever seen, a series movie, THE SAD LOVE STORY..

To night the film brought me this emotional sensation as I almost forgot how to write things to move further.. But tonight, and I hope I could make a big move with what future would, life goes on and I’ll be fine and survived..
I’m not gonna say that I can’t live without you, I am okay and can live without you,.. I just don’t want to..

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August 3, 2009 - Monday 2:58 AM

To Love A Woman

July 14, 2009 – 7:46 PM
Posted in MUSIC

I’m not sure if you guys love this song the way I do, yes I do…

specially to all women

yes, it’s very meaningful, I’m right here listening to this song, I wish my female friends would here this song too.. lolz

[Enrique:]
I don’t know what it is but she drives me crazy
I don’t know what she does but she drives me wild
If only she could let me be the man I wanna be
Well she can leave me helpless as a child

[Lionel:]
I don’t know how it is but she has the power
She can make me laugh when I wanna cry (oh yeah)
She tells me that I’m in control but I know it’s just a lie

[Both:]
And I don’t mind oh
Will she love you tomorrow like she loves you today
She can keep your heart guessing but she’s yours if she stays
And that’s what it feels like
To love a woman
To love a woman

[Enrique:]
When you’re looking in her eyes you can see forever (forever)
You’re captured by the beauty of her soul (oh yeah)
[Lionel:]
You know you’re never gonna find a woman like this again

[Both:]
So don’t let go oh (don’t let go)
Will she love you tomorrow like she loves you today
She can keep your heart guessing but she’s yours if she stays
And that’s what it feels like
To love a woman
To love a woman
Oh she can make your day
Oh she can take it away (take it all way)
And oh whether it’s wrong or right
You know it in the end you’d do it all again
To love a woman
Just to love a woman (uh huh)
Oh you know (yes I know, yes I know)
She loves you tomorrow like she loves you today (well she love you)
She can keep your heart guessing but she’s yours if she stays (she’s yours if she stays)
And that’s what it feels like (I’m gonna say it)
And that’s what it feels like (what it feels like oh)
And that’s what it feels like
To love a woman
To love a woman (mm hmm)
Yes to love a woman

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July 28, 2009 - Tuesday 10:44 AM

El Beso Del Final
Current mood:

romantic
Category: Writing and Poetry

Oh, oh
Hay en mi corazón una inquietud
Hoy te veo tan distante
Hay algo que me aleja de tu amor
De repente tu cambiaste
Hoy insegura estoy
El estar sin ti, sé que me hará sufrir
1 - Anoche yo sentí, que me besaste diferente
Y me quedé sin saber que hacer
Yo te conozco y se que algo no anda bien
Ven, dime la verdad, no quiero imaginar
Que fue el beso del final
Oh, oh
No sé por qué ha cambiado tu actitud
Ojala que todo sea un error
No quiero comprobar que te perdí
Ni que nuestro amor se acabe
Oigo una voz que se hunde en mí
Que me vuelve a repetir
Lo que no quiero oir
Repeat 1
Hoy insegura estoy
El estar sin ti, sé que me haré sufrir, oh, oh
Repeat 1 (2x)
Que fue el beso del final...