Every so often, something catches my eye, my ear or my brain.  It takes root there and will not let go until I’ve told everyone and their mother about it, often times repeatedly. 

Today is one of those days where I must exorcise my demons.  This is not to be confused with exercising them.  I do that several times a week, because I don’t want flabby demons.  I mean, if you’re going to have them, shouldn’t they be in great shape?  Makes it more challenging when it comes time to wrestle them.  Did I successfully cover all of the demon clichés?  God, I hope so.  

If this makes no sense it’s because I’m trying to be all secretive and hush-hush. 

Let’s say there’s a boy I know.  Let’s call him Karl.  And Karl has some issues.  His main issue would be that he has little to no self-respect.  Or perhaps he has too much of it because he puts everyone and everything in his life on a back burner to make the object of his affection happy.  This would include his family, friends, pets, farm animals and children.  Karl has walked away from your friendship to be with this little whore. 

Now, Karl gets into some trouble with this girl – we’ll call her Bonnie.  So, Bonnie gets him arrested for something minor.  What should we go with here?  Possession of a one-hitter?  Yeah, that’s perfect.  A one-hitter.

So, Karl comes to you, stating how horrible Bonnie is and tells you how Bonnie slept with other people during their relationship.  How Bonnie does drugs.  How Bonnie let him take the fall for the one-hitter.  Blah blah blah. 

So, you welcome Karl back, knowing that what Karl needs is a friend to listen and be there.  You have some reservations, but what the hell.  Karl is your buddy, your pal.  You’d make out with Karl if he wanted to. 

A few months later, Karl starts drifting away again, you suspect Bonnie is back in the picture.  It comes to a head when Karl agrees to help you clean out the attic and in return you’re going to take him to lunch.  Karl shows up late, after you’ve already cleared out the attic, and when you’re done organizing, Karl has to run because he’s getting his back waxed. 

And you never hear from Karl again, but you notice that he’s back with Bonnie.   You’re not quite as devastated as you were the first time he chose Bonnie over you, but it still hurts.  But you move on.  You get over it.  You put Karl back in the past where he belongs. 

A year later, you get a letter in the mail from Karl, about how right you were.  Hesitant, you give your honest, “sorry to hear that”, but don’t offer much else.  You don’t know what to do.  You miss your friend, but you’ve heard it all before. 

You ask people around you who tell you that they’re 95% sure that Bonnie let Karl get arrested again, this time for more than a one-hitter.  This time it was the one-hitter and a bag of dope.  Bigger, more serious – and people are talking openly about it.   

So you tell Karl you aren’t sure you want to bother being friends with him again because you know if Bonnie calls, you’ll be dropped like yesterday’s news. 

Karl doesn’t respond.  You give it time.  You ask some people that know Karl for their opinions.  They tell you Karl and Bonnie while not on the front burner, are most certainly still quite tight.  This makes sense to you because when you examine Karl’s behavior the previous times, THIS is how it always went.  You were good enough until Bonnie wanted Karl’s cock all up in her.  So you tell Karl, “I’m sorry.  This is pointless.   I can’t be a part of this.”

Eventually, Karl writes back and tells you that you’re wrong and you’re being unfair. 

So now, do you write back to Karl, or do you just let it be? 

Dear Diary:

I posted a blog yesterday on my MS Fundraising site, trying to scrounge up a few more donations.  We’re soooo close – sitting at just $4500 away from our goal ($4470 to be exact).  I got all pissy when I saw that it got well over 200 views, and only 4 different commenters.  I guess people don’t know what to say when they won’t help, are embarrassed when they can’t help or just roll their eyes thinking it’s not their problem, or my place to ask.  But then again, THEY aren’t living with Multiple Sclerosis. 

But I cannot focus on that.  I have to focus on the people who HAVE donated, and tell them how thankful I am that they are in my life.  I have to focus on my walk team mates and how thankful I am that THEY have come into my life. 

Last year, I had help beyond my wildest imagination.  And when I raised over 5K alone, I was floored by the kindness and generosity surrounding me.  But that was a different economy, wasn’t it? 

I’m not even going to focus on that stuff, the fear that I can’t make 50 miles in 3 days or the worry that I go to bed with that even one of the people who have signed up may not be able to walk due to the minimum fund raising requirements.  I have to let it all go. 

What I am going to focus on is that the other night, when I was so convinced I had a tick in my buttcrack, I took the time to tidy up my girly bits, checked them for ticks THOROUGHLY, had a good time doing so, BUT I DID NOT HAVE AN ORGASM. 

I was soooo close.  I was right on the edge.  I could feel it building.  So I would rub harder, faster, bringing myself even closer and…NOTHING.  Hmph.  Let’s try the shower head.  Closer, closer, yes, yes, that’s it…DENIED. 

Not to be swayed, I climbed into bed at the end of the day, and even though I was completely exhausted, I figured I’d pull out Jack R.  He never lets me down. 

In, out, vibe, pulse, spin, twirl, oh god, oh god, OH…HOLY SHIT WHY CAN’T I HAVE AN ORGASM? 

More lube.  That’s it.  I’m just tired and exhausted and need some extra help.  Harder!  Faster!  Yes!  That’s it!  Right there!  Almost there!  AND I …

I…

I…

I JUST CAN’T DO IT! 

Exhausted and spent and wholly unsatisfied, I put the rabbit away.   I then curled into the fetal position and rocked myself to sleep.  Jerry needs to find a way to get some sleep so he can function again.  Seriously. 

Ever been that close and yet denied right at the last moment?