Cut away. burn the edges.
there's a prize if you make it to the center.
green lights, and race -
make it fast, make it hasty. Cut away.

ah, strip me clean. burn my edges.
there's something down there, unforseen.
terrified, strip me clean.
make it gentle, no - never gentle. strip me clean.

please, drink me dry. strip me clean.
there's milk seeping from our breasts
we're pure. fresh. drink dry.
you see me withering here, drink me dry.

oh, you're going to help me up?
 like to see me stand?
a fine way to spend my time i guess.
just drink, strip, burn and cut.

I'll be alright.

Unsealed
On a porch a letter sat
Then you said i wanna leave it again
Once I saw her on a beach of weathered sand
And on the sand I wanna leave it again... yeah
On a weekend I wanna wish it all away yeah...
And they called and I said that I want what I said
And then I call out again
And the reason oughta leave her calm I know
I said i dont know whether
Im the boxer or the bag
Ah yeah ehh....
Can you see them
Out on the porch
But they dont wave
I see them round the front way yeah
And I know I dont want to stay...

Make me cry

Ooooh I see
I dont know theres something else
I wanna drum it all away
Oh I said I dont, I dont know whether Im a boxer or the bag
Ah yeah ehh....
Can you see them
Out on the porch
But they dont wave
I see them round the front way yeah
And I know I dont want to stay
I dont wanna stay (2x)
Dont
Dont wanna
Oh... yeah... oooh...

Emptiness

And now a minute is trapped
It fell into a cracK
Eleven tries leading the way
and then foresight comes
I've lost my sense of it all
The feelings I can't resolve
Circumstances outside convention
And you Know I tried
To be part of life
I found the rest of me
I was beaten on down
Emptiness set me free
I lived on a cloud
The walK through the storm
Was liKe a holiday
I happened to have been warned
Over and over again
The sense of speaKing dissovled
Words meanings i couldnt recall
And all I'd found did my losing
I was tough to find
Playing games with my mind
Up the drops that I climbed
In the abyss I was hurled into
By who I brought bacK into time
I found the rest of me
I was beaten down
Emptiness set me free
I lived on a cloud
The walK through the storm
Was liKe a holiday
I happened to have been warned
Over and over again

 

Every Person

You take me by the hand
A hand's all I feel right now
It's all I am
It's all that I am
YOu think that I'm a man
I beg to differ
For I am her as much as I'm me
You know this moment in time
Is all my life
Every day is each day thats past
Every person alive is everyone who's died
A ship out in the distance
Is here if I draw it
Multiply time by letting it go by
You paint a star
YOu give many years ago

Fallout

Carried through the road so far alone
Days glue themselves to what is wrong
And soon the hills will swallow us up
Plans will pass her
Land on the walls is laid out
I know you're in pain
Train for the cause is staying down
It plays you out
Fall out of love again
Your dreams all end

 

Femininity

Could you think of a better way
To be even scaring the sky away
And making me a part of this
Corner of meaningless darkness
Of course you could but I'd rather be
What I strive along for just to be
You love your country, love the strife
Relieve your cock on your beloved wife
But I'm playing a different tune
Cause I'm moving to the moon
But I'm not prepared to go against you
And fly and jump in your corruption stoop

And since while I'm around
I've got a few things to do
So I live on the mountain rock
And move along cuz you're just
Dancing like a fish and I judge a cold

I can't imagine your wife using that to swallow.
But you see I'm gonna cum down a feminine's throat
In the surrealistic pain and wearing a coat
So I have space that you can't trace to carry my love
And you just have waste
And you just have waste

Invisible Movement

Extra time when you think it's over
Live a life when you've rolled over and died
I don't feel pain
I don't travel this line
Levitate and feel the ground get closer
Ecstasy made every step a mile
When it becomes a waste
Why hold on for dear life
Wide pain in the blue white break up
All paths divide
Life has a way of opening up
All names travel with their owner
Tho' they've no space, they move all around
I see invisible movement in every town
Every cry is a seperate emotion
Happenings are planned
And then they arrive
They go on with or without you there

 

inside a break

Inside a break there's only moments that hide
Every mistake is really worth a try
I know a way a lie can be refined
Hand me your cross and run for your life
Any good luck is a falling tree
I'm no one and no one is me
All day to call some kind of faceless guide
Some day you see is just today in a guise
Every pace you go would go without you
The busiest days there's really nothing to do
I go away to turn the dark to light
Don't look at me when you're wondering why
Hymns sound so good to him
Reflections occur within
Unwind so called holes
Language is false but it speaks to me
Places are gone when there's no one to see 'em
I got a pain that spans millions of lives
Going to where we'll dive into the sky
Any old way is a new way to be
There's just no cause for beating anybody
All of us kids we like to climb and fall
Once within there's nothing better at all
Than nowhere
nowhere

 

i have split lives. thats what it is. i get these momentary or maybe soemtimes a few days of relaxation, good times, humorous people, then back to the family bullshit.

babies whining, 3 year olds that revert back to babies every time you tell them no. 24 year olds that would rather spend every moment off of work or not sleeping leaving other people - me - to take care of the kids, then as soon as the goddam whiny kids are in bed, she has to come out and whine that she's a bad mother adn that at the same time i'm not doing enouth to help her out even though i'm exhausted from being up all night with one or the other of the members of hte household that wakes up every time i fall asleep... then only to get up early 4 times a week to do something for the kids. sometimes lasting until 5 at night.

19 year olds that refuse to work, or do follow any good advice and would rather delve into the romantic and bullshit world of the heroin addicted, drug addicted never gonna happen if you keep this up illusion of being a musician without actaully ever trying to invest any real thing into it. just saying "i'm the best". wanting to see his kid so i work out where i watch her for 2 whole days to only have him show up at 8 in the morning to play with her for an hour and go to sleep as soon as she needs to be fed and changed. 2 days ben. you bitch all the time because you dont get to see her and you managed to spend an hour.wow.

only to listen to complaining about how i dont do enough. how i'm not being nice enough. how me reading a book for a few moments of silence in my own brain without other peoples complaints, discomforts and general discontent invading my peace of mind i've been straining for years to reach above the things i've gone through and continue to try to begin to deal with in my own personal live outside my family and even immediate friends.

many times involving my immediate friedns.

i'm in complete circuit overload. i'm to the point that i have to just get through and greet every day for what it is and leave the plans of the future for a time in the future t hat i can even begin to think about them without feeling like i'm being crushed with an equivelant of the earth crushing down on me in my and other people's problems that affect me on a deeper and more immediate level than my own. there are other people to think about and consider at all tiems, and most of hthe time i am aware that i am stronger and have more tolerance and patience to put myself aside on a daily basis to deal with other people.

and they dont just have little problems. no, no . it's "i;m going to end it all... end my pain soon" . it's move to antoher state, its' going to jail, it's breakups leading towords stalking, its threats, its blame, its too DAMN MUCH. it's barely living where i live, walking on eggshells, to only be told "thats a deal breaker" when family members show up unnanounced.. . not invited by me. UNANNOUNCED.

it's no sleep. no cigarettes. no food. no weed that calms the mania and gives me peace, appetite and peaceful sleep.

i'm going to michigan. nothing even remotely went as planned. plans dont exist. promises are always broken. i am always taken advantage of and then more than unappreciated. on top of it unliked half the time.

adn once again, i get to walk away from what would be a good life once i had time, medical appliances (in 2 days), and a steady job. a place with people i love. my two brothers, and their occasional kids. room for my neices and nephew(s) to visit and have room.

or quiet paradise with a guy i could spend the rest of my life enjoying.

or a half assed fake relationship with a guy im infatuated with based on personality, humor and familiarity alone.. and of course; similarity. leave that behind because it will leave me eventually anyway because it doesnt really exist beyond the barest of letting down of walls.

i'm not making too much sense, i know. i'm just fed up, stressed out, confused, wired, slightly stoned, tired, hungry, need cigarettes. annoyed above all.

L wrote a song about me. i heard some of hte words. i think he thinks i'm a little nuts. lol. of course i am silly. how could i not be? i deal with this shit alone, guys.

Here are some of the stange dumb laws submitted by visitors:

so.

people do heroin and keep it a secret from their favorite sisters.

thats fucking bullshit. i knew something was going on i just couldnt put my finger on it. i knew the money went somewhere i just couldnt put my finger on it.

now i know where the finger belonged. up bens' nose.

sigh.

someone give me a clue.

I'm going to complain.

I've lived my whole life with this .... disability, this FUCKING ANNOYING and EXPENSIVE secret, something i only tell people when i have to.

It's something i should have had taken care of as a child, but my parents arent the wisest or most considerate people in the world, and now i'm stuck.

i cant work until i buy my supplies. i cant buy my supplies until i work. the free ones i'm getting from the goddamn complany that makes them - because about a year ago i called and freaked out about the fact that they have gone from $20 when i turned 18 for each part (there are 2 parts) to $150 each, less than ten years later, and worse - they stay on for less of an amount of time.

well, they dont come for 2 weeks. and i cant do a goddamn thing until i get them. i'm stuck, at home and miserable. sure, i can call the hospital, talk to the wound ostomy nurse, give her a sob story and get a few to get me through until they come, but goddamit i'm sick of this. i just want to march into any hospital and refuse to leave until i can walk out of there and spend the rest of my life in unattached peace.

do you have any fucking idea what it's like to be like this? bound to some expensive and necessary part of yourself that you have absolutely no control over, and can never just ignore? Something that has as much control over you as being dressed, or being fed, or even breathing somethimes?

adn i dont like to tell people about it, so whenever something happens that makes it obvious that theres something weird about me, i never know what to do, and just try to sweep it under the proverbial rug. hope they never see it, sense it, wonder about it or worse, talk about me without knowing what is actually going on...

i'm fed up. i want a new body. adn i'm too used to the way it is to really do anything about it, because i know how huge of a process it is to actually do something about it. I'll be in a fucking wheelchair for a while once i go through with it, and that's even more debilitating than this.

actually, thats bullshit. nothing is more debillitating than being bound to something that costs up to $300 every ten days.

i really could use a bowl right now. sigh.

 

I havent really been writing for a while. I guess i've just been  - well there's many real and unreal phrases and websters words for what i've been doing.

Each fell one by one, and i smile
to fear their oblivion?
Bled dry of excitement
afraid to be a fool
There are so many ways to live
so many ways to die.

 

 

Abstract thoughts form cracks in my perception - it's a rough road i travel, though i chose it free-willed.
Sabotage isnt an act of loving  yourself.
It's more just a beating down until you dont think you could possibly feel any worse.
But you could alwyays possibly feel worse.
Then the urge to rund way takes over. Abstraction clouds rationality. Running away. I've done it so much, while dragging with me a lifetime of immobilizing pain and heartbreaking memories.
There is no running away. There are no new beginnings any more.
Sadness is behind the eyes of the entire world. They're hell-bent on surviving most pleasantly even at the cost of those who love them. Ath the cost of my love for them, At the loss of my empathy, and shattering my strength.
Darkening my world and dissolving my illusions and defenses untili am naked in a mirror again and breaking apart at what i see.

I've had a hard life, you say. Yet you've been told such a small fraction of my life, and that was enough to watch you go. Your indifference is slowly killing me. My indifference is slowly shutting out my lights; making it impossible to see the beginning of the way out.
this situation is falling apart. Rejection is my least welcome next to indifference, and i feel it everywhere.

Maybe it's time to just leave everything. hope for the best. become a waif. drown.

 

"Damn this situation, and the games i have to play
with all the things caught in my mind.
Damn my education, cant find the words to say
all the things caught in my mind"
                                 -oasis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ye8GLPUVsM

awesome

 

Today....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfFtyOpwQkQ
ben is in jail....

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mzz64S8BxiA
nirvana.....

 

here's some beck
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf_zt_dIm0A

Put your hands on the wheel
Let the golden age begin
Let the window down
Feel the moonlight on your skin
Let the desert wind
Cool your aching head
Let the weight of the world
Drift away instead

These day I barely get by
I don't even try

It's a treacherous road
With a desolated view
There's distant lights
But here they're far and few
And the sun don't shine
Even when its day
You gotta drive all night
Just to feel like you're ok

These days I barely get by
I don't even try

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NclCzP83LY

Twilight fades, through blistered avalon.
the sky's cruel torch on aching autobaughn
into the uncertain divine
we scream into the last divide

you make me real, you make me real
strong as i feel.. you make me real

sheila rides, on crashing nightengale
intake eyes, leave passing vapor trails
with blushing brilliance alive, because it's time to arrive

you make me real, you make me real
strong as i feel.. you make me real

lately i just cant seem to believe
discard my friends to change the scenery
it meant the world to hold a bruising faith
but now it's just a matter of grace

summer storm, ebraces all of me
highway warm, sing silent poetry
and i could bring you the light
and take you home into the night.

Lately i just cant seem to believe (you make me real)
discard my friends to change the scenery (you make me real)
it meant the world to hold a bruising faith (strong as i feel)
but now it's just a matter of grace (you make me real)

 

and, something from Courtney. Her "Brittany and Ben song"...

(courtney's blog)
Siblings
Current mood: guilty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zGj0vrPxFc

I close my door at night,
But they get in all right,
And she turns on the light.

I held her hands so tight,
'Cause words don't come out right,
And she sees things at night.

Me, I'm closer to the door,
I don't get scared no more,
But I don't know the score.

If I could hold them in my hand,
I'd make them understand.
I'm not a haunted mind,
I'm not a thoughtless kind.

If I could put them in a jar,
I know they wouldn't scar,
I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.

I close my door at night,
But she gets in all right
So I turn on the light.

I held her hand too tight,
Too hard to make it right,
So I could sleep at night.

If I could hold them in my hand,
I'd make them understand.
I'm not a haunted mind,
I'm not a thoughtless kind.

If I could put them in a jar,
I know they wouldn't scar,
I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.

I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.
I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.
I'd do it if I could,
I hope you know I would.

-Buffalo Tom, Late at Night

 

On the road again....

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oE5JjQuabB8
stabbing westward

yes. yes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCEeAn6_QJo
tool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07pLGIgyfjw

This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Slip away.

Something kinda sad about
the way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?
How can it mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?
I'll keep digging till
I feel something.
Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. Turn around and take my hand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivtKcM1DGeY
moby

always makes me feel better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkgFWmCqxV0
jane's addiction

 

 

A World Without Money - 5 Questions

Ok. here's the poet. i'm trying to find that again. it seems like it needs to come out.

here you go. it's really embarrassing to post poetry. but i'm doing it anyway. again.

********************************************************

Almost a Dream, this being Awake.
Passing between a Current's mistake.
a shifted Reality; this shadowy state,
Just breathing through......
Get through this day.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last Night I Dreamed,
And the sky turned Black.
We were drifting through, with
the Heat - our backs.
And from somewhere came
your Forgotten song....
And wrapped us in Fall's quiet calm .
Last Night I Dreamed,
The Silent Fear
And came to me the Devil's Tears.
and in this time, we're Light and Dark -
They're all the same,
They're all our Hearts.
Last Night I Dreamed,
That While we Died,
Dark Angels came;
Dark Angels Cried.

I turned; drifting through heat. Somewhere wrapped in Night - Fear came. The Devil's dark hearts dreamed while we cried.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the Distance... your blooming witness
to the Bond, or the Bare..
The ties that could tie-ghten
Bound together.....forever.
Sometimes i wonder, is the spun web so thick?
could the blood and tear soaked remnants one day altogether
drift quiet, succumb to die to laughter?
The irony of The One, so .....together, and then
and end to the ties, stitched or Click to an end.
Succumb to the Death of your Fear!
and yea there is love here - the silence withstands...
though the force of your nature frays the fibers to end
and sometimes i still forget - another You, I , and Aware...
and there is disquiet in my radio. Channels flip,
then faded out again.
a toast!
to the shuddering defeat of my rising rebellion....
lost in the ironic laugh from the depth of your shallow,
your soul is a snake
and my words are mush.

and yet there is somehting so  - funny, or unmistakable - to be within the Mass of this place. I want to be once again where i belong - within you. with your poetry so pale.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

been lost in your pain, sadness and dark death
this land of mothers that taste the hearts of their dead sons
where loves - great loves burn to a dental record death
this awakening not rewarded with a fair morning
this land of a daughter running from her mothers knife
and a fathers abandon in the mouth of hunger and not a home to lay
Love's indifference
is the death of a heart
These walls and mirrors have lied to me about my soul; my savior
and this beautiful music breathes from the mouth of heartbreak
year after year
of sons watching birthday clocks all alone
fathers wearing noose
lovers eating shotguns
brothers speaking suicide
and Drug Induced Peace.

leave me where i lie.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I saw a deception once hidden among the sky
a shape in the clouds i couldnt deny
So i walk the streets - the night time's shifts
the world may be a dream, and so i wander a conscious drift
take my time as slow as along it will play
watch the years go by in a different way
for a quiet girl i have too much to say
for a savior to tell me - live this way
so i tie my shoes, smile at you
the secret's out and we're naked too
and come inside to the water's shine
bare, naked - swim in this mind
this lake - we'll sea everything
while sly smiles deceive this secrecy

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You trail behind, 
in the shadow of Light.
your angel-like figure embraces me
We are now - at once - the Night.
your shadow disappears; i am now the trail
to follow to the light and never derail
I know you're right beside me
with no intentions to hide.
I know you're right behind me, 
I never questioned why.
Leaving Despair in front of our path;
our soul was One,
our disentegration made it half.
and i'd seen the glimmer in your eye -
You were so desperate and hopeless
but never shuddered to cry
and all we had to hope for was to shut away
and die.
but with wings we'll fly together
 through the winds against our time. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tongue-tied and knotted-knuckled : we sit
ame i even real to you?
we speak lightly of Light things
and think darkly of Real.
Dark....Real..... Dark
Did you see the game today?
No; i hate football...
some crazy weather we're having...
yeah.