I'm moving house in the next week or so, and it was a weird mixture of feelings that I move into the lovely Ms Giles and her Hairy husband's house.

I'll miss a number of things about my flat, the size of it, for one person it is huge; I can pace up and down and jump around.

I'll miss the old dear who lives below me, she is as deaf as a post, so when I stumble in at 4 in the morning I can put music on really loud and no one bats an eye lid

I'll miss living down the road from gav. Because it's close to Mr G's and they make me tea

I'll miss the bus journey, in particular the 40, I have seen it all, and I have stood freezing my nuts off watching chav's kick the funt out of each other at the bus stop, 

I'll missing adding more hours to the queuing in the cold  I've waited the equivalent of 14 months 3 days and 6 hours at the bus stop, in the most appalling conditions.. It looks like I won't break the 15month waiting time after all ?

I'll miss the aggressive drunks who shout at you for looking a them, even though they are the ones trying to attract my attention by shouting ginger at me

I'll miss the wee emo fella who gets on the bus and gets stick from the kestrel super strength swilling back seat

I'll miss the mad woman who randomly shouts at people and mutters stuff under her breath

I'll Miss the toothless cat woman who smells really really strange and talks to me everyone morning because she seen me buying cat food once in a now closed corner shop

I'll miss the man with the golf ball sized Cist, , I'll miss the way he always sits in front of me so I can watch all the hypnotic pulse of veins  as it pumps the puss around the growth

I'll miss the guy who picks the scabs off the back of his head and then sniffs his fingers

I'll miss the arguing couple on their way to the clinic to get their methadone; I'll miss their dry wretching and their spitting

I'll miss the drunk bearded fella shouting at the bus driver because he didn't stop or he does stop. It's an argument the bus driver can never win

I'll miss the 8 year old kid staring at me and when I look up she gives me loads of shit (don't know what's she's so happy about she'll be pregnant soon)

I'll miss the funny smell of wee of a handful of passengers (mad beard woman especially)

I'll miss the enormous woman and her thin husband who has to have double seat to herself

I'll miss all the Chelsea's, the Kelsey's the Lesley's the Robbie's

I'll miss the chavs smoking on the back of the bus

I'll miss the two apprentices who listen to gabba hardcore music through crappy speakers on their crappy mobile phones

But most of all, I'll miss the crazy man who talks to the driver and then proceeds take all the metros. It was one of the great mysteries of the journey like how salmon find their way back their spawning grounds
But it is a mystery no more

He takes the Metros to cover the floor so his dog can shit on them when he's out…

How do I know this?
Did I ask him? No!
Did I follow him home? No?

I had the pleasure of seeing the dog in action today, on the aforementioned metros, like a good little bow wow; it emptied its considerable bowels over a metro. Good dog

It would have been a bad dog, if say, I don't know, you where reading the metro or more likely if the Metro was on the floor of somewhere inappropriate like a operating theatre  or I don't know the 9.05pm bus packed with mid evening commuters

What could be worse, I can't think? Perhaps if the bus drove around with the doors open thus creating a chimney affect so that the acrid shit stench was sucked towards the back of the bus where I was sitting.

But at least I felt the heart warming glow when, like any responsible dog owner, he picked up the Poo.then I realised it wasn't a glow' it was the burning of bile and two crunch creams rising to decorate the back of the bus..

Of course he didn't pick up the poo he let his dog shit all over the bus and then got off at the next stop.

I could either barf all over the bus or face the St Anthony's roundabout chav gauntlet. I chose the later.

On my prowl down the road I encountered a number of the other commuters who shared this Bus Journey of Bus Journys. They stood bewildered at the bus stops dotted down to my front door; all gave me a nod of recognition and sort of Omaha beach camaraderie formed in those brief moments. We can say 'I was there! I stood toe to toe with my nameless comrade! My silent friend!  I was there on the worst bus journey ever!'

I'll miss you number 40, you have been constant source of disdain hate and inconvenience. I'll miss you

I'll miss the fact that just when you think the number 40 can get no worse; it really does up the ante.

How do stagecoach managed to up the level of discomfort and horror, I am in some ways glad that to make the customer experience more unbearable and to better the shitting dog Stage coachewould have to release excrement flinging monkeys with small pox .

Of course being this unpleasant would cost more money, I only hope that the fare rise from Sunday can go someway to financing the continued horror for the commuter

All the best number 40 may your route remain the most profitable in all the north east

X

Went out for a few beers with Bridie, Wayne and Hippy for St Patrick's Day.

Was pretty good, didn't get lashed but did fall asleep propped up against Bridies kitchen door watching the 13th warrior, scraped myself over to a couch that was about 16inches to short for me to sleep for four hours, interspersed with cats attacking me, it was a pretty awful nights sleep all and all. So, got up and wandered home down a very  'chilly' chilli road at 7 this morning.

Was having a chat with Bridie about a lass that I thought was bonny.

'Oh she's taken'

'Ah well looks like I'm dying alone then.

'Don't be silly...'

'.... In fact, I probably won't die alone'

'Whys that then?'

'I'm a suicide bomber'

most people throw beds and TV's out of windows when they stay in swanky hotel but not me i take the whole RAWK ..m/ thing one step further 

for those who care my entry about my NIN goings on is extremely dull needless to say it was excellent. It was good to catch up with my friends Rick, Jo and Eileen. However, one things sticks in my mind about the weekend. It was when I came back from my mate Rick's room after trying to get some beer off him and Eileen's in the bathroom hitting the sink with a tooth brush, I've known Eileen long enough to know just to leave her to it.

'I've broken the sink' she exclaimed

'How can you break the sink?'

'It was the bunny'

The 'bunny' I should explain is a cuddly toy Eileen found lying in the middle of a dual carriage way, it had obviously been there sometime (on the road not in the bathroom smashing up the sink. I imagine smashing up a sink when you're a plush toy with a carrot stitched permentantly to one hand is probably very difficult and a tad frustrating)

'God that is low! blaming the bunny on it! What's' happened has it went a bit child play on the fixtures and fittings?'

'Very funny…. When I was washing him with all this bathroom stuff' motioning at the now empty grapefruit shampoo

I walk over and sniff the now brilliant white one-eyed bunny, yeah he smelt nice

'…All the dirt and grit came off him and blocked up the sink.'

Me, with big man head on, 'Here, gimme the tooth brush!' I peered into the sink brimming with gritty black water, which had been sloshed over the sides.

It turns out that when the hotel was done out normal plugholes where not deemed good enough and they introduced this wonder of modern engineering that meant the plughole revolved into a closing position and the grit/fine dust had jammed it.

I began to bail the water out. I scratched my chin and begun to use Eileen's toothbrush to try and prise it open.

 Nope no luck.

'I know!' I proclaimed, 'I'll think straighter with a beer in my hand.' we toddled up to Rick and Jo's room where they had some ale. Eileen in jammies, which her boyfriend bought for fear that I might become and incontrollable sex beast (yeah right. I take bromide for that now).

We sat around drinking beer talking and Eileen fell asleep on the floor propped up against the bed. I'd finished talking shite, woke Eileen and headed back to our room.

Full of brain juice (beer) I sat about the delicate task of hitting the plughole once more with Eileen's toothbrush. Nope it was more stuck solid than before, the grit and dust had now dried into the gap and gave it a concrete type effect

Brushing our teeth over the toilet Eileen proclaiming, in the most demure way possible that it looked like someone had 'jizzed' in the toilet (alas if only my jizz tasted minty and prevented cavities)

I past out and woke up at about 5.30 am because the room had an old peoples home quality to.  No not a crazy woman called Margaret standing naked at the bottom of your bed but the temperature was tropical; I got up to open the window.

Stumbled across the room

Opened the black out curtains

I was greeted by the grapefruit scented eyeless bunny brandishing his carrot at me on the window ledge, shocked and more than just a bit frightened, I gingerly opened the window.

went back to bed lay awake until half 8 when I decided to get up, eileen was awake for ages as well i drank all the tea and talked shite.

After my cuppa and watching the simpering idiots of BBC breakfast news, I once again brandished the toothbrush at the plughole.

Nope it wasn't shifting.

Beaten by porcelain, stainless steal and an eyeless rabbit I started to prepare for the worst.

A bill for the basin. I don't work as bathroom fitter, I have no idea how much fixtures and fittings cost. I thought I would come 'clean' when we checked out and perhaps they would take sympathy on me because I was Irish

When I went to check out and told the guy on reception that wash hand basin plug hole was blocked, stuck, he looked at me knowingly and said 'I know sir some people have problems with them'

Really? Have other people mixed the equivalent of cement in them, dried it out and then spent hours hitting with a toothbrush to test its robustness?

For once my internal monologue worked, I smiled politely and replied 'oh yes wash basins are 'very technical'

We made good our escape. Which actually meant that I stood around in the lobby waiting on Rick and Jo for 10 minutes

Now call me old fashioned but plugholes. They do pretty much what the name states, it's a hole and you plug it. It's simple, it's straightforward, it does exactly what it says on the tin, but then some designer comes in and decides nope that's shite lets make it like this, lets give it moving parts and let the laws of gravity make the thing work.

I 'nipped' out for a pint with goatboy on friday

I arrived at very packed Tanners, and was introduced, to what can only be described as the beginning of a paddy Irish man joke.

Three Irish men, two Germans, a Swede an ozzie, a Turkish fella, a Scots man and the entire pathology department of the RVI.

I was tired and in bad mood and wasn't really in the best of form for meeting people I a felt trying to state a conversation with anyone was a bit laboured and uncharacteristically very hard work.

Which is unfortunate because everyone in the bar and goatboys associates where all really friendly and I think I may have come across as a moody so and so. In an attempt to perk up my lagging mood and the fact that I didn't really want to drink, I started talking to a girl from Leeds about corpses, spaced and Shaun of the dead. Always goods in roads I find. Particularly the corpse one. You'll never know when I might need to fake my own death again. (As previously mentioned killing Mark although likely is time consuming and killing a Goff, would just be playing into his hands. I could have him smiling at me as the cold embrace of the grave envelopes him and the sweet relief of the death and his soul soars to what ever Goff heaven they have)

Spent most of the night talking to this lass, she was canny and seemed quite keen, I actually managed to convince her to come back to Anthony's for a cuppa, but as I've already said, I wasn't myself and could build the courage up to lunge at her or get her phone number

Goat boy was in fine form, he told me that I am now officially his 'wing man' when out on the prowl for women. However judging by his buckfast fuelled conversation pieces, such as raping Bosco, singing football songs and generally being drunk. It's going to be a long flight with lots of turbulence J

Goatboy's 'high' spirits lent themselves to him agreeing to coming on my cultural weekend…

Left Anthony's fell in the door at half three

Up early on Saturday to go to work.nope didn't make it, I was so tired I couldn't sleep, got up jumped in the bath, my mood hadn't really improved any.which is a bit strange, had some breakfast, and arranged to meet wayne, bridie and goatboy in trills at 1pm, I was adamant that I was not going to drink or spend money..

This went pretty well up until 12.45pm when I bought a pint of Guinness to while away the minutes until they turned up. That turned into another pint and food when everyone arrived. Wayne disappeared, not shortly after I insulted his larp sword, because he couldn't remember it's name.

I told him my sword would be called 'John the Civil Servence' smiter of the red tape, bane of senior mangement and champion of all public servants. The only problem being you would need to complete an 'aB2' form, in triplicate, before I could unleash my buearcartic wrath

and the three of us headed off to the discovery museum. Pretty good actually finally got to see the turbinia. Perhaps one of the most important things to come out of Newcastle.

The punk exhibition sucked balls

Goatboy was getting tetchy after an hour of walking around looking at stuff, bridie was getting tired and wanted cake, so we went to meet stodge in the forth and watch the rugby. I had another pint

Bridie left as we headed down to the bridge to catch the second half of the rugby, I had another 2 pints, and mark and Lydia arrived. I had another pint, I somehow let myself get convinced to go to the Charnel house, and by proxy Stodge had to go because Goatboy was off down to the Cluny to catch some MOR band.

Went to the charnel house introduced myself to a load of people and woody and sue where there which was strange. Met one of the dicks I fell out with from Sunderland goth/larp scene. He's not charismatic he's just ignorant.

By the end of the night I had danced and been further introduced to Newcastle's most hated Goff, and flurry of other unfortunates.

Was then convinced to go to legends, can remember very little about it apart form Mark telling me I should go out and get myself a wee woman..

I left at about 2 and walked home,

Because of this I would like to thank the following roads for not letting me be murdered on them

New Bridge Street
Shields road
Union Road
Welbeck road.

All of whom are responsible for me being alive and telling you this tedious tale.

Sunday gav cooked for me again. Cheers gav

Monday relaxed and did nothing

Tuesday goatboy rang me and asked if I wanted to go and catch the Northern Ireland Wales game in the Sports Café, I said yeah, went and dusted down my scarf, my flag (or 'Fleg' ) and my 125 anniversary Northern Ireland top (or Tap)..Put them on

And then decided against in because knowing me I would have walked into a bar full of Welsh supporters.

Got in just before kick off and it was fantastic. about 100 norn iron fans bouncing around and singing like it was the north stand at Windsor, it surprising how much more fun watching footie is when your drinking a lot surrounded by yer country men.

Fell out of there at closing missing my last bus, but agreeing to build them a website and forum, and dandered up to popolos to meet Anthony and Lotti, tried to speak, but was tired, hungry and a bit drunk 

Left got the most expensive taxi in the world home, cooked something (I could tell what it was by the cremated remnants on the bottom of the pan) and chucked on my newly acquired Moscow Coup Attempt DVD…wow it's fantastic..

Came around at about 2am and scraped myself into bed, and dragged myself into work only to be confronted with a project obstacle the size Russell grants pants

No not an emo band

Right okay so I haven't finished the adventures of NSFTM in Belfast yet, but that was just over a week of goings on, where as this is just a weekend of drunken shenanigans...

You may or may be aware (or care) but I turned 31 on Friday 12^th of January, now anyone who has had the misfortune to attend one of my birthdays will know that they revolve around drinking lots and lots of drinking.. interspersed with me picking a restaurant that only I like (ah yes the time I drag 18 people down to the big mussel and only three people liked fish.. but the beer was good)

This year, I thought I would gather together the usual suspects and the not so usual suspects under one roof and go get noodles.

Of course this is not to say that I held back on the drinking front, by half 12 I was sitting in the head of steam drinking a fine ale, where I met my brother, then wee Dave, who had travelled up from Peterborough to drink, then we swung around  to the Hotspur to meet Ian ..After a pint or two we headed back to mine, chucked our stuff off and headed to Trillians

Trillians, it's not that I don't like the place, it's just…um I dunno, I think it's a hang up from my younger days knocking around the place when I used to roll my eyes at the bar flies, who seemed to drink no where else, I am very conscious that I don't want to become that…thankfully this won't happen for three reasons

1. I'm too lazy to travel 8 minutes on a bus to get to it

2. The Cumberland is between me and Trillians, it's the iron curtain of good pubs and I am always inextricably pulled towards it

3. A small hand full of people actual recognise me when I'm in there, others are so fucking ignorant they would never acknowledge me anyway. (This says infinitely more about them, than it says about me.) And to be a barfly you need to be recognisable

Trills was also close to every where I wanted to be and everyone knew where it was, as I have, said in previous years the bars I have chosen to meet are hidden away (you know the sort only visible when the moon is full and Aquarius is in ascension) and it was easy to get too, because unlike last year I couldn't afford to accommodate everyone by organising different drinking locations through the day..

Often, having all my mates in one place, can have its own problems because certain pockets of mates don't get on with others, but everyone is old and enough and civil enough to get on with it, if they aren't they get quickly culled.

Some of the Sunderland crowd came through (Dave, Gaynor, Bri and Alan) Claire and Si had to pull out because they've just bought a house, I forgot to invite Woody and Sue(sorry)
 
 The Newcastle lot turned up (POD, Lydia, Goatboy, Jon, Bridie, Gav, Kate) my friends from work (Dave, Cam, Julie,Cam's Bloke, Mary) and the non associated lot Ian, Krishna Dave and my Bro all made the effort to come and see me which was touching(ain't seen Dave in years)

Turned up their at 4, and the Guinness began, after Ians now traditional presentation of the Coconut. People arrived in dribs and drabs; I drank a stupid amount of Guinness. After a few hours of drinking the Tainted lover lot turned up to go out on there excursion, I sauntered over, very drunk said some things a couple of people look confused (I think I heard some say very loudly ' does anybody know him?' like I was a crazy drunk man..Admittadly no one did….but shy sober bairns get no where)

At about 8 we then headed around to the noodle bar where part of our company left, the food was fantastic, the plum wine was great and I actually learnt how to use chop sticks(out of necessity rather than any real desire)

After the scran we met up with Goatboy and Jon who had went off to get a pint somewhere else (as it turns out in some social club to play bingo for a couple of hours) met them in the Newcastle arms had a couple of beers with the remaining cast, but all too soon it was booting out time..Goatboy, Jon Lydia, Krishna Dave all went to legends (on the way down to legends wee Dave stopped me getting run over which was decent of him)

By this point I had started to sober up a bit and legends annoys me a bit, again it's not something I can put my finger on, but thankfully this annoyance can be circumvented with an unhealthy amount of vodka (£50 worth to be precise) Goatboy went home, Lydia and mark disappeared, me and wee Dave jumped around like the good old days (I wish I could say we where taking the piss.. but no we really do dance that bad J )

Ran into some of the TL lot again Chatted to Rhona (Rhino_Mittens) and Gareth (Sardonic) for a bit, hugged and kissed evil lawyer. Got talking to Blandest who was very grateful for all the, Music I sent him, caught up with Big Chris who thankfully wasn't dead. But didn't seem that tall anymore (drink and dwindling depth perception go hand in hand)

Seen the blonde girl who it thought wanted to kill me last time I was out. but she couldn't remember me (see what I mean about being anonymous?) and didn't get punched by the lass I got off with last time..

After dancing badly with an assorted mix of miscreants me and Dave left at closing. And it gets a bit hazy. I can't remember inviting the taxi driver in for a cuppa (allegedly this is a common theme for me when I'm drunk).

Fell into the house and went straight to be. Woke up at 2pm, and head straight down to the Cluny.

Ate food, lots of food, had a couple of pints and decided to dander up to the Cumberland, after few more pints Bridie and Wayne turned up. Wayne then proceeded to buy me whisky all night, then goatboy Anthony and some other German fella who sticks electrodes into monkey's brains arrived and we all wandered down to the Tyne and seen the night off there.

Me, Phil, Dave, Bridie and the Wayne sat up watching Shaun of the dead, they left at 3:45am and I went to bed

Got up earlish on Sunday sat around watching crap on telly until Dave had to go, , walking through the train station we got talking about MacLean and Baxter and how I wasn't really that struck on Baxter because he was an ignorant cunt who I had no time for.. As if to prove this, a matter seconds later, both of them walked straight past us. Ignoring us

Chucked wee Dave on the train, I and Phil went to the bridge and the posada went home tired watched commando and went to bed.

Footnote

1. Stop inviting taxi drivers in for tea

2. Wee Dave liked the weekend so much he was thinking about moving up

3 you can view the badly taken photos here

you will all have read the uninteresting and mercenary tactics of my cat murphy..

the day after my birthday he disappeared, so for the past fortnight i have been walking the streets looking for him.. i had my suspicions about who had him..so i used to nip down all the back alley ways to see if i could see him sitting on a window ledge..nope..after a week of walking around my block i extended my search to take up about half of welbeck road, all of Westbourne avenue and across as far as church walk..all proved fruitless..

i was close to giving up

this evening as i left gavs i thought fuck it i could go and burn of some calories and walk around the block a few times, so i took along loop and came to the top of my row of houses, in the off chance that he  had returned  i walked down the back alley way  looking in windows, back gardens etc..

imagine my suprise when not four doors from my house i look up and see murphy staring out the window at me..with collar and all..so i stood checking..yes it was him..

annoyed(i mean really annoyed..in releived way) i was ready to march up to the back door and scream and shout at the person.. but i took a couple of deep breathes walked the matter of feet to my flat,..not entirely sure what door represents what flat..i stuck two missing posters through the doors in the hope that they will call me tomorrow(you know maybe they'll do the right thing..yeah right) becuase tomorrow i will not be as miffed

if they haven't contacted me by 5pm tomorrow..i'll be at their front door in all my imposing angry Irishness..

should i be angry with them?

i'm rather pissed off i've been really worrried about him i keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking i hear him outside only to be dispappointed, and i keep thinking i see him out of the corner of my eye

on the brightside he is safe..lets just hope the cat theives aren't gonna be assholes about returning him

Relationships:

• Tam Moved in
• Tam moved out
• Tam and I broke up
• Tam and I got back together
• Tam and I broke up

• Went out on the 'pull' for only the 2nd time in my life(Pulled someone who was born in the late 80's, I only take comfort that she wasn't in her late 80's.though that is definitley more gav's thing :)

• Finally told someone after 10 years that I liked them and didn't get punched.

Mates

Managed to track down so many people this year who I had lost contact with including

• Nine inch Neil,

• Eileen

• Dave cenobite

• Devi-blue

• purple_spider

• Krishna Dave

• Invincible Matt

• Gaz

• Larry flints bastard Child

• Wee Gillian

• Turbo Dave

• Drunken Irish

• Beer and Real Ale Ben

• Colin D

• Gaynor

Met some cool people properly for the first time

• Paul Crouchy
• Northern Winter
• Moucho -Blasto (me randomly slabbering at you when drunk does not count)
• Liam
• Goatboy
• Wayne/Annihilator
• Jon
• Pez

Those who have fallen off the radar

• Moped Marty

Those who have been pushed off the radar with a poo covered stick with a used condom on the end covered in sick

• Mixmaster Mark - the cool name was ironic. You dull man

Births/deaths/marriages/ Moves

• Ian became a dad (I can't get the image of his cum face out of my head...I keep telling myself it was immaculate)
• Lots of people where meant to get married but things just didn't pan out
• Rick and job Moved. I miss them :(

Domestics

• I haven't moved/been evicted from my flat, first time I haven't had to move in a year and half, nice to feel a bit settled but I'm getting itchy feet. Though that may be a combination of new boots and athlete's foot

• Got myself two cats
• The bank fucked me over
• Almost got evicted again
• The bank fucked me over again
• Credit card Company, owned by my bank fucked me over
• The council tax fuckbags fucked me over
• I'm smarter than the people who work at the bank, so I sorted that allot of crap with them
• Also in the process of fucking the bank over

Money situation has started to sort itself out

Career

• Still a civil servant though the work that I do now has diversified to an almost unsustainable degree, of note the work I've done for the cabinet office, imperial cancer research, Diversity and equality and the NIO

• Still on work got 27 rejection letters for internal promotion opportunities, perhaps the most recent one telling me that if a job comes up in the next six months it's mine.

• Finally got recognized for all the work that I do and how good I am at it by getting temporary promoted and given responsibility for more Intranet sites

• Got offered 2 jobs in Leeds, one in Manchester and one in Geneva 

Travel.

• Been all over the place with work, no where glamorous (Sheffield in February...theres an image)
• Been back home twice, first time was the best time I'd been home in Nine years. Second time was good but made me want to explode
• Not really travel but overcame my fear of Sunderland, good to see familiar faces in familiar places

Gigs

• Snow patrol in Leeds
• Cruxshadows
• Adfinium

And some other's I can't remember 

Personal
In the best place to be most of the time. Just by being me, which has got lost in the We of all my long term relationships
My mates, all of them have come up trumps, I really don't deserve to know such a decent group of people

Plans for this year

• New job
• Move house in March
• Move in with goat boy (is that my liver I can hear screaming)
• Go to NIN in February
• Get around seeing my mates
• Meet more people
• Learn an Instrument
• Go to the Leipzig Goth festival
• Up the amount  write to about 3,500 words a day
• Try to fall out of love with the Northeast so I can get a job elsewhere

I know I should post my musings from my recent visit home first...but last night i think deserve a special mention...or should that be Spe-chul

I organised with Goatboy about 2 months ago to make an effort to get to the next badhouses, which was last night (a day after both of us returned from a week of drinking), roped gav into going as well to get him away from his Kate talking about kids.

turned up about 8ish was pretty dead, but filled up really quickly, sat drinking and talking shite, Rivethead turned up and joined us and we plied him full of drink, got chatting to jez..Again...he seems to be following me around, he tried to convince me to go to some LARP thing. Sold it to me on the merit of getting drunk in a field and hitting people with rubber swords. sounds quite good actually.

Goatboy turned up after drinking in town for a bit so he was pretty lathered by this point, got introduced to Stevey666999, unassuming, nervy fella.

Goatboy, a man whose horniness I don't even want to think about, wanted to go to For your eyes only, it being Christmas, me and gav agreed, stayed for the first band and headed into town, Carl joined us on the quick dander into town, I popped into enigma whilst goat boy and gav went to the bank to get money for the lovelies

They returned and we made the walk of shame to the 'joint'.but alas are quest for cheap and tacky nudity went unfulfilled ...goatboy, Gav and myself's bravado fueled by alcohol, didn't sit well with the 'security' so we didn't get in. I still think goatboy walking around with his trousers down carrying a box of Kleenex is guaranteed not to get you into most places...

Deflated(or should that be limp) and defeated we wandered around to The Forth, where we ran into about 10 of goatboys mates, sat around talking shit to them. An awful lot of Irish people in one place. It was a bit like being home but with decent beer... got chucked out of there, dandered around to North

Gav went quiet and slipped away to throw up and disappeared off to legends...goatboy, on the pull, tried to convince me to hold his hand so he could go and chat to this lass, went to top up my Dutch courage, rescued some girl from the aggressive advances of a fella at the bar, turned round seen a bored looking lass staring at her mate getting of with a bloke whose 'birthday' it was (i mean does that work? do women actually fall for that?)

So dandered over and talked to her for the rest of the night, me being the consummate gentleman didn't even lunge at her (I think her name was Pamela). Got thrown out of there at stupid oclock went out side and caught up with  goatboy who actually managed to get the number off a girl whose name alludes me.

Ran into Pamela again was talking to her mate and asked her if the whole Birthday chat up thing work that well, she misheard me and thought I said it was my birthday. She had the look of a woman about to pounce so I made my excuses and got a taxi back to goatboys

Back at goatboys, the vodka came out, the MP3 player got turned on and we talked more shit... goat wanting to go to bed at 5am... wimp...bailed out of there and decided to walk home from Heaton Park road to the far end of Welbeck road.

Usually not a problem, but I forgot to mention I finally got myself a big chunky pair of boots that weren't really broken in, so by Union Road I was limping like Igor, the birds had also started to sing, being the big man. Put it behind me and soldiered on.

Got to just before the Doctors surgery on Scrogg road sensing home, I upped the pace and walked straight into a Spide coming out of someone front garden, he was walking towards what I thought was a rubbish bag, on closer inspection it was a guy lying on the road covered in blood.. The spide told me that he had seen him from his window and was coming out to help him. I said I would give him a hand he said no. I was pretty insistent. He back down.

I helped the fella (I assume he was Nigerian) to his feet and he was bleeding from his mouth and a nasty gash on the side of his head, directed him to sit on a wall, which he then fell over again cracking his head again. Helped him up, propped him up tried to get some sense out of him, and then called an ambulance. The spide who had not been much use thus far panicked when I called the ambulance. I asked him again if he knew him. He said he recognised him from a party he was at earlier, he said he saw him fall but just left him....

Sensing something was not right. I changed the subject to happier things to calm the spide down(who was freaking out. but didn't leg it) i told him to get himself away, i didn't want him to get into trouble and that I would be alright until the ambulance turned up. He then told me that the fella, andally (I think) thought he was gay and made a pass at him; like any red blooded spide would do he laid into the fella and booted him up and down the street.

Through some sort of 'guilt' he came back and was adamant that he was going to take the consequences when the police turned up. As if by magic the peelers turned up. 2 cars worth and a van. The emergency operator must have told them an Irish fella had called in; quite surprised the armed response unit didn't turn up and shoot me a couple of times for being 'Irish with intent'

I explained what happened, the wee spide babbled all to the police and was scooped, the foxy police woman(sorry I had been drinking and come on a women in uniform!) took my details and asked me if I had any cuts or anything because I was covered in blood and to get myself home and get cleaned up..

Finally limped home looking like I had murdered someone, got my self cleaned up, wiped down my bloody phone and went to bed

Got up this morning boiled my clothes, and decided I need to get checked out for any lurgy, not wishing to sound like I'm stereotyping but a Nigerian gay man bleeding over you, knowing my luck he was probably a heroin user who had recently had a tattoo done in unsanitary conditions whilst sitting on a dirty toilet seat :)

Never a dull moment...god knows what awaits when I'm out tonight

my inability to have a quiet Pint..once again rears it's ugly head

My very good friends Rick and Jo came up to Newcastle from not so sunny Lowe stoffe (sp) and I was meeting them in the maggy bank for some scran and a few beers. And I also convinced the Giles and annihilator to pop along...

Of course the day didn't start too smoothly. Kate the friendly bank was otherwise occupied so I couldn't get money off her, so I counted out all my coppers. Then she rang me and drove to give me 40 quid...which was pretty good...

Meet the Giles and Annihilator on the metro and head to the maggy bank, Jo and their party had already arrived, however they where feeling a bit worse for wear after a decadent night out on Saturday. I've meet theme all before. But I can't remember any of their names ... what can you do?

after a fine and very filling meal , the hung-over lot went home, me Rick and Jo with the Giles and her wife headed down the bank the broken doll...great pub, dirt cheap(5 pints for 8 quid) sat around chewing the fat, I got talking to a guy form limavady..Which seem to be a running theme when I'm out? Meet someone Irish and get Dewey eyed about the homeland..

left there about 4 and headed to the Cumberland where Rick was meeting one of his friends who he used to work with, got to the Cumberland and it was chocker, met his mate ilana(I think) she knows my mate Gillian which kind of shows just how small the world is

dander up to the tanners after two pints in the Cumberland, had two beers there and started talking about all things political, in between comparing beards with the bar man(mines far better)..Then decided to walk down to the ship, which I had never been in before. It's been done out recently and it is actually quite nice, sat around drinking wallsend brown ale... then out of the blue we found out that canadain sarah, hadn't been deported so she popped over for a few beers..

By about ten o'clock I was pretty trolled, and I had to write an application form.

Fell asleep

Woke up at 6 and finished the application form, surprisingly the stuff I wrote last night wasn't gobbledygook and sent it in, shattered I called work and told them I had a bout of insomina...which I did I was up and down all night) did some work from home but booked a days leave off ..So it all worked out well

Went back to bed. Got woken up with a cat's ass in my face, pottered around the house all day, going to get out of the house to night to ensure I don't go insane. Might swing passed gavs later...

Have to prepare myself for Saturday, my bro's coming up and Goatboys' out so I can't imagine I'm going to be very sober or coherent by the end of the day

The 4^th of November.. all dayer? A pint run(fifteen pints is about my limit)..none of this 'can I have baileys/vodka and coke' shite its all about the ale ..

 Around the more 'classy' pubs in Newcastle?

Starting at centurion at 12:30 for old time sake then as follows

1. The Bridge
2. The telegraph
3. The head of steam
4. The forth
5. Tilleys
6. The bodega
7. The strawberry
8. The Newcastle arms
9. The hotspur
10. Trillians
11. Bachuas
12. The Duke (in fact it will probably be The Puke)

1. the crown Posada

1. The Bonded warehouse
2. The Egypt cottage
3. The tanners
4. The Cumberland
5. Maybe the free trade

This is a perfect opportunity to see just how drunk and miserable I can become