Here in some stranger's room
Late in the afternoon
What am I doing here at all?
Ain't no doubt about it

Somehow the wires have crossed
Communication's lost
Can't even get you on the telephone
Just have to shout about it

Here in the valley of indecision
I don't know what to do
I feel you slipping away
I feel you slipping away

You say you're not getting enough
 But I remind you of all that bad stuff
So what the hell am I supposed to do?
Just put a band aid on it
And stop the bleeding now
I'm losing you
I'm losing you

I know I hurt you then
But hell that was way back when
And do you still have to carry that cross?

Don't want to hear about it
I'm losing you
Don't want to lose you now! 

John Lennon

As the end of yet another year grows imminent, the time comes to reflect upon life, experiences, victories and losses. I have to confess that large portions of 2006 are nothing but a blur to me. There have undoubtedly been highlights, but also periods of the deepest despair. I have hurt others and I have been hurt, myself. Still, at the conclusion, I do choose to think that I (hopefully) have become a better person, who no longer takes anything for granted.

It is strange, when someone you know, trust and love suddenly reveals a side to himself or herself, totally foreign to you. You try to understand, try to set yourself in this person's shoes and fail miserably. When this person's actions are totally contradicts everything you believe in and stand for, it is not a very pleasant place to be. I cannot judge and do not wish to, but the whole affair has filled me with incredible sadness.

On a lighter note; I have struggled with health for most of the year, and I seem to be winning that battle. While not totally back to my old self, I feel improvement from day to day. I am able to read and write again (thank goodness) and my arm and leg are almost as good as new. I have discovered that I do have a real lust for life. I love life! And I cannot wait to write the next chapter!

Life has been good to me in yet another department. I have met a woman with whom I am head over heels in love! I had never, not even in my wildest fantasies, thought that I would experience that feeling, ever again. Yet, out of the blue, there you were! The old year ending on a high and the new one commencing with the greatest of hopes!

I do know that 2007 will arrive, containing a whole lot of new challenges. Still, I just feel like saying; "Bring it on!" I just know this is going to be a great one!

To anyone reading these words; I wish you a peaceful and prosperous New Year, from the bottom of my heart!

It is the time of year to make New Year's resolutions. Ideally, I would be making a solemn promise to stop smoking. This thought always strikes me at this time of year. Of course, we all know that cigarettes are not good for you. Being a smoker, you do undoubtedly grow accustomed to getting the blame for most things that go wrong. That is ok, though. I have always tried to be a considerate smoker. I will not light up if there are non-smokers or children around. If not at home, I will go outdoors to commit my crime. I will not smoke if I am expecting company from those 'pure at heart'. 

When I purchase a pack of cigarettes, I am inevitably reminded of the fact that "Smoking seriously harms you and others around you", and I do get disheartened by this fact. I do know that smokers stand a far higher risk of ending up in hospital with heart conditions. I acknowledge the fact that smokers do tend to have a shorter life span. I do even accept that being a smoker does disqualify you from certain positions.

The thing is… I enjoy my cigarettes! Having a smoke after dinner makes me feel good! As aware as I might be of the hazards, a cigarette actually cheers me up. I very well may give them up one day in a not too distant future, but I do want that to be my own decision. Not the decision of my doctor, not the decision of the authorities, not the decision of my friends and certainly not down to some stupid New Year's resolution! The final decision is down to me and I to intend to enter 2007 smoking a great big fat cigar!

Norwegians may come across as slightly 'different', when it comes to their culinary customs of the Christmas season. Most families have their own traditions, when it comes to the way they celebrate the feast. Usually the same dish is served, year in, year out. This may seem boring or a display of lacking fantasy, but for a typical Norwegian, these meals are almost "sacred".

First on our little list is pork's rib (ribbe)

Politically incorrect, as it may be, the dish of choice in the majority of Norwegian households, is the ribbe. Oven baked and served with a variety of sauerkraut, various vegetables and boiled potatoes. It is reckoned as essential that the crackling is served crisp. (Woe betide the poor chef who fails to comply with this). (Although I do like pork, this one does tend to be a little too fatty for my liking).

The second one to go, has to be lamb's rib (pinnekjøtt)

Dried and salted lamb (sometimes also smoked) is left to soak over night. The flesh (there is not always that much of it) is steam cooked and served with melted fat, mashed swede and boiled potatoes. (The chef can hardly go wrong on this one). It is also a requirement to have ample amounts of aquavit at hand, as lamb does tend to be a bit fatty and some may need to disguise the taste. (I like this one, but I have no problems admitting that having a taste for lamb is a pre requirement).

Third: Poached cod (kokt torsk)

Well, I do enjoy the occasional meal of fish, but come on, we are talking Christmas here, and celebrating it by having poached cod with boiled potatoes (once again), cauliflower and white sauce is not my idea of a party. I am generally a polite person, but I do fear that I would have slight problems keeping my 'poker face' if this was to be our Christmas meal.

Fourth: Cod treated in a potulash of lye (Lutefisk)

This one almost goes beyond description. It is our good old cod again, this time taking on the appearance of a wobbly piece of nondescript matter, sitting on your plate, accompanied by (yes, you guessed) boiled potatoes, mashed dried peas and bacon. I rest my case!

Personal favourite:

At the risk of being politically incorrect, once again, I have to admit that my personal choice is "Rudolph" (you know, the creature with the red nose). Having "Rudolph" with baked potatoes (!) Waldorf salad and mushrooms.... I say no more! (Apart from throw in a bottle of excellent wine)......

The joyous season is closing in. Everywhere frantic individuals are taking part in the race to complete their seasonal spending spree. The malls are extending their hours. Stress levels are soaring and Christmas carols are blaring from the PA systems. After all, 'tis the season to be jolly!

Today, my thoughts are going out to the people among us, not so fortunate. We tend to forget that it is not a given that the roast is sitting on the table. It is not a given that the Holy night is spent with family and friends and "peace on earth" is not for one and all.

On a day like today I would like to send one or two friendly thoughts to the men and women who spend their entire Christmas making a difference to those who walk on the shaded side of life. Their selfless effort to give to others is for me the true meaning of Christmas. One day I hope to be like you!

I have more or less always taken good health for granted. Hospitals, patients and their environment were always a world I knew existed, but did not care much to explore. Feeling a little pity on those bedridden and chronically ill, sure, as long as they did not trouble me with their presence.

Then, more or less out of the blue, here I was with a non fatal condition that never the less had to be taken care of by health personnel. I was shattered! I had been into sports since I learned to walk. I have always taken fairly good care of my body, yet here I was, just one more entry in the stats.

I was depressed. I could not fathom that fate had dealt me this blow! Time and again I racked my brain, asking myself if I could have done something to avoid this? I went through a phase where I was feeling very sorry for myself.

I was admitted to hospital in early January. A lot of the time in such an institution is devoted to waiting around. Waiting to take tests, waiting to see the doctor, waiting to have a bed assigned, waiting to get the results of the tests, waiting for a cup of coffee.

I busied myself walking around the place, people watching. In a waiting area I encountered several interesting characters. There was a preacher, waiting for his prostate surgery. An Indian gentleman in hospital for a bypass. An oilfield employee with a couple of slipped disks and last, but not least a young lady (well, younger than me, at least) with terminal cancer.

Little by little it did dawn on me; as miserable as I felt, what were my petty problems, compared to the ones of these people? All of them suffering illnesses far more severe than mine? And yet, each and every one of them was so filled of lust for life. They had me shaking my head, both in disbelief and in shame.

I suddenly felt a whole lot healthier. It just suddenly was very clear to me; no matter how miserable you might feel, if you only shift your view outwards, you will not have to look for long to discover plenty people far worse off than yourself.

I did learn couple of lessons that day. It is fully possible to fall ill and still contain your dignity, and I am never ever going to complain about my own condition ever again.

I tried to write a love song
But I could not make it right
Just wanting to describe
How I need you every night
I spent all those waking hours
Just waiting for your call
Cause I am just a prisoner
I believe that says it all

As I'd wait within my darkness
You would be my ray of light
Gave me strength to face the morning
And the terrors of my plight
I did all I could to win you
And I know you know that's true
Cause I am just a prisoner
Because of me and you

I tried express my feelings
Through the limits of a song
I search my soul for answers
Where on earth my life went wrong
I just cannot do without you
I don't even want to try
Cause I am just a prisoner
Because of you and I

                      *************************

I was rummaging through some old files earlier today. I believe I wrote this in the early parts of 2003. At least I know it was while I was living in London. It is kind of interesting having a look at where you used to be, emotionally.

I stopped by the place I used to work today. After all it is the season for catching up with old friends and letting them know that you care. To my utter amazement, everyone was telling me how great I looked (keep it coming) and that I actually looked happier than I have done in years. I love you guys, too.

They apparently know me very well. I am actually feeling on top of the world at present. I even made a stop at the local cathedral and lit a candle in remembrance and gratitude (and I am not even really religious).

I am so thankful for improving health. Those who know me well are aware that life has offered me a few blows over the last couple of years. All of a sudden that really does not matter anymore. I love life, and I almost feel like running out into the street and holler it out. This is the first day of the rest of my life, and I am never going to forget that, ever again…

--> -->

Actually, he does appreciate getting a solid night's sleep. If only… As nighttimes approach and most people are getting ready for bed that is when the haunting commences. One could possibly call it 'ghosts from the past'. He cannot even bear the thought of closing his eyes. The images from times long gone are simply too painful to cope with.

--> -->There he is, too scared to close his eyes. He is sitting by his desk, switching glances between the wall and the ceiling. His body is crying out for rest. He disregards the signals. Far too well he knows what will happen if he permits himself to doze off. The time is not right. He is not yet tired enough. He is aware that he has meetings to go to and business to attend the following day. He could not care less.

In stead he reaches for another cigarette. The floodgate of memories is open. He sees the father he never was capable of seeing eye to eye with. He sees the woman whom he was married to but left. He can see his son, a very sensitive boy, whom he hurt. He can see the woman he once loved, who became his downfall.

These people, and more, come to visit every time he permits his eyelids to drop. He knows, and therefore chooses to postpone sleep for as long as he is capable. In stead, he just lets his mind wander, drifting until sleep no longer can be avoided. At his point he does wander off to bed, praying that sleep will take him quickly. He does not want to dream.

Sometimes it happens fast .He will sink down into a deep blessed dreamless stage. Free at last, at least for a handful of hours. His body relaxes and the "iron fist" in his abdomen lets go. He sleeps peacefully, some times.

Other nights he'll be tossing and turning. No doubt close to exhaustion, yet incapable of achieving his 'Nirvana'; the blessed stage of sleep. Sometimes he will get back up again, others are spent just staring out into the darkness. Eventually, after a long days voyage towards night time, he is embraced by darkness.

What remains of night is gone too fast. He lays there, eyes closed, trying to focus his mind. Reluctantly he opens his eyes. It is a brand new day with unknown possibilities. "What a joke", he thinks to himself. Far too well he is aware that this day is going to be the same as all the rest.. A never-ending cycle - no beginning, no end and soon it will be night again.