New Mike Tyson Documentary Features Exclusive Interviews With Super Macho Man, King Hippo

February 26, 2009 | Onion Sports

Enlarge Image

Ten of Tyson's most well-known opponents are interviewed in the film, with Von Kaiser, Soda Popinski, Don Flamenco, King Hippo, and others reminiscing about the boxer's career.
"Tyson was the best," said Mario, the referee who officiated every WVBA boxing match ever. "Most challengers couldn't even land a punch on him. They'd be knocked to the ground by a single blow, TKO'd within the first round, and forced to travel back to Hollywood to fight Super Macho Man again to qualify."
Running 144 minutes without pauses, the documentary follows Tyson through the MINOR, MAJOR, and WORLD CIRCUITS, where his fighting took him to faraway and exotic places, including Tokyo, Spain, the USSR, and Hippo Island.
Director Kazuo Yoneyama incorporates highlights from Tyson's storied career, including footage of the boxer blocking Great Tiger's Magic Punch instead of trying to dodge it, landing a knockout while fending off Piston Honda's devastating Bonzai Attack, and defeating Mr. Sandman even though all his friends said it was the most impossible thing ever.
"MY BODY [WAS] JUST SO TOTALLY COOL," a wistful Super Macho Man said during promotional interviews. Twenty years after his heyday, the clinically depressed former bodybuilder is confined to a wheelchair, the result of medical complications arising from the weight of his enormous upper torso bearing down upon his tiny legs.
Also sobering is the fate of Tyson's first-ever opponent, French boxer Glass Joe (0-99), one of the few boxers who could not be interviewed for the film, as the thousands of devastating blows he took to his head and body over the course of his career rendered him incapacitated in 1993. Glass Joe achieved his reluctant fame by telling Tyson to "MAKE IT QUICK...I WANT TO RETIRE" between the first and second round of their fight, an irony noted by the director.
Painstakingly editing thousands of hours of eight-bit footage from classic matches, director Kazuo Yoneyama uses a vivid yet somewhat primitive palate of 64 colors to portray Tyson as a talented but poorly defined boxing savant.
"Tyson was the toughest fighter in the boxing game at the time, but he was also the first fighter to pay attention to patterns and warning signals," Yoneyama said. "Before he came on the scene, no one realized that opponents sometimes raise their eyebrows or twinkle the gem in the middle of their turban immediately before throwing a punch."
Tyson himself admits that it was his incessant blinking—the only time he showed any weakness in the ring—that ultimately lead to his demise.
According to the film, Tyson went 31-1 with 27 knockouts, ultimately losing the heavyweight championship to the 107-pound Little Mac, a 17-year-old Bronx native. Mac, who was coached and managed by the legendary Doc, was known for his abnormally small stature and his limited arsenal, throwing only three kinds of punches throughout his career. He is also recognized as the first boxer ever to wear a tank top in the ring.
Tyson and Mac's infamous fight lasted two minutes and 59 seconds into the third round, the longest boxing match in WVBA history. The victory is known for having as many descriptions as there were witnesses.
Though Mac was revered for his unlikely victory, the documentary is unsympathetic toward the boxer, who was eventually embroiled in a number of scandals, including suspicion of using performance-enhancing drugs to gain health between the first and second rounds. Experts have claimed his workout regimen of merely jogging behind his bicycle-mounted coach would not have been sufficient to build the strength he displayed in the ring.
Tyson was also accused of purposely causing a clock glitch in his match against Glass Joe in order to break the KO time record, and there was the infamous "password" scandal, U.S. Supreme Court case number 007-373-5963, in which Mac was accused of unfairly skipping all the boxers and going directly to Tyson.
Yoneyama chose to leave Tyson's successor, Mr. Dream, out of the documentary, calling him "a copycat" and "an embarrassment to the sport."
The film is premiering in the SXSW Film Festival's documentary competition alongside Exciting Bikes, a documentary that explores many of the unanswered questions about motocross races of the 1980s, including the mystery of why the track was sometimes blue.

Nuff Said.

A Scrubs Moment...

I was running through Youtube when I saw this clip from the musical episode of Scrubs.  All the music for that ep was done be the guys who brought you Avenue Q, which is also a pretty fucked up musical.  So here is Turk and J.D. expressing their Guy Love!

You know, I haven't posted a blog in awhile, so I decided to pull up some old essays that I was writing.  Don't worry, they aren't the college-writing-intensive kind.  In fact, they are just right for a solo edition of...

I've been conversing with a bunch of friends recently.  They've all been dealing with a sense of depression (or worse yet, numbness) about their love lives, or lack thereof.  I have no sage-like wisdom to offer that will snap them out of their unks.  I've got no Hallmark card slogan that will make everything better.  Why?  Because I'm going through the exact same thing that they are.  So with that in mind, I've decided to share with everyone a passage from Sandman:  The Kindly Ones.  Ironically, I stumbled across this passage one night while I couldn't sleep because I was feeling down.  You see folks, you are never alone in this... there are a ton of lonely people in it with you.  Enjoy.

SANDMAN: THE KINDLY ONES

Love... horrible isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable.  It opens up your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses.  You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.

You give them a piece of you.  They don't ask for it.  They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages.  It gets inside you, it eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working it's way into your heart.

It hurts.  Not just in the imagination.  Not just in the mind.  It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-up-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I hate love.

Hi there.  It’s me the D-O-Double-G, O-Dogg hanging out here with my hetero life mate Hardcore Mike Walken.  We are teaming up like the Wonder Twins (minus one of us turning into a lame-ass bucket of water, and no super monkey unless K-Dogg shows up), to dispell a few romantic misgivings. There was this post that was about the perfect boyfriend. We all know that concept is full of shit and unfair to us males. So in that sprit, we are taking this post and analyzing it to show it for the total piece of fucktarded garbage that it is. This is the dream list for the perfect man. Yeah, and I want to be king of Australia.. That’s just silly. If anything, this should provide some insight as to why Mike and I are painfully single. Nootch.

Every girls dream:

-- "Getting kissed in the rain..."


OD: Smeared make-up, the chance of catching pneumonia, being cold and wet... just cause it looked good in Spider-Man, that doesn't mean that we all should do it.

MW: Try doing it in Hawaii...where it KINDA sorta rains but not really? You know,...where the sun just kinda leans on you and there's not a friggen cloud in the sky, yet water just dumps real hard on you for a period of ten seconds, only to let up and disappear without warning...Timing the shit is impossible, and if we were to just grab you in the middle of a conversation where you're telling us about your nagging mother (who hates our guts) and attempt to make out with you then and there...you'd get all pissed at us because you'd think that we're trying to change the topic. And more than likely, we probably are at that point...

-- "Have that one hot kiss where your pressed against the wall..."


OD: Depends where that wall is. If it's in the bathroom at the Wave, well that's awfully romantic.

MW: 9 times out of 10 when this happens, chances are you're gonna bang your teeth together, or bite your lovers lip. That shit HURTS!

-- "Have a boy that thinks you're the world..."


OD: When a girl gets that, usually they a) don't feel the same way about that guy, or b) the dude's a stalker.

MW: Or c) she gives you "the speech" and suddenly you're her hetero-platonic shopping buddy. Let's not forget d) we suddenly gain titles like "needy" "clingy" or "mama's boys" and they become irritated by it.


-- "Have a boy that holds on as long as possible when giving hugs..."


OD: That shit's gonna get old fast.

MW: I agree...besides...I'm tired of hearing "don't touch my fat..."

-- "A boy that whispers he loves you in your ear..."


OD: Again most guys will do that. But when you do it at
knife point, it doesn't seem to be as effective.

MW: Having you back away from us and saying "what?"
immediately afterwards 9 times out of 10 renders the motion kinda pointless you know...

-- "Have that moment where you just gaze into each other's eyes..."


OD: Your idea of romance is a staring contest?

MW: Yeah...and then you laugh at us when we do it...or you question us. Great for our ego either way...

-- "When you cry, he kisses your tears away..."


OD: Why don't you just spit in his mouth. Geez that is
disgusting.

MW: I don't ask you to stay down on me when you're doing the deed...so don't ask me to drink the tears outta your eyes when you're watching a Jon Cusack flick...

-- "When you're not with your guy he's all that you can
think about..."


OD: It's called separation anxiety. Go get some professional help.

MW: It works both ways dear. It's nice from time to time, but in large doses, it no different from how you feel when we do it to you...

-- "Wearing his jacket and every time you breath in, his
scent surrounds you..."


OD: Yeah it sounds romantic, until you realize that it's
K-Dogg's Jacket.

MW: I'm sure the Jack Daniels that Jimmy spilled on me last night smells great...

-- "A guy who will watch any movie with you, no matter how teary eyed you may get..."


OD: Hey, some guys want to watch a chick flick every now and then. Especially if shit gets blowed up real good.

MW: Yeah...but it's ALWAYS the same movie. It usually stars Jon Cusack or Josh Harnett as a loser who would never have the problems he's having cause in the end, it's still Jon Cusack and Josh Harnett. Chicks throw their soiled panties at them on a regular basis. That...and I can only handle pseudo Goth flicks like "The Crow", "Queen Of The Damned" or "Donnie Darko" for so long...

-- "A guy who squeezes your hand..."


OD: Hulk Crush.

MW: Umm...Ever seen where Al Bundy's hand goes in every episode of "Married With Children?" It's that way for most guys, girls. Still wanna hold hands?

-- "A boy that says he loves you and means it..."


OD: What do you want? The guy hooked up to a lie detector. What is this Law And Order?

MW: Make up your mind...when we don't mean it, we're being assholes, and when we do mean it...it freaks you out!

-- "A guy that will play her favorite song outside her window..."


OD: Nothing says lovin like My Humps blaring outside a girl's window at 3 AM.

MW: That or "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. Again...another stupid Jon Cusack fantasy. FUCK JON CUSACK!

-- "A guy who is loyal..."


OD: Even loyal guys are screwed up. Trust me. I'm a Red Sox fan.

MW: Cincinnati Bengals here...haven't had a winning season since 1990...

-- "A guy that will sing to u no matter how bad he is at it..."


OD: Wow, do you go to Karaoke Hut?

MW: I'm sure this is why Pauly Shore (or Jimmy for that matter) has dozen of women throwing themselves as his feet this very minute.

-- "A guy that will kiss you on the forehead..."


OD: Yeah...all girls close their eyes at night and dream of that passionate FOREHEAD kiss.

MW: Umm...can I use that forehead kiss as a "get out of going down on you" card?


-- "A guy that will call u beautiful or adorable. not hott, fine, or sexy..."


OD: This is true. You gotta say some romantic shit like "You Have An Adorable Cooter."

MW: So...you like it when we call you pet names that we would give to a car or newborn kitten?

-- "A guy that will never judge you for how u look..."


OD: NEWS FLASH: Even Stevie Wonder will judge you on your looks. Deal with it.

MW: Kinda hard to sometimes when you wear that shirt those clever sayings like "High Maintenance", "Buy me things", "I'm With Stupid" or "Boys Suck...Throw Rocks At Them..."

-- "A boy that says cheezy stuff to u just to make you smile..."


OD: Remember, she's not laughing At you... She's.. Well she's laughing at you. Loser.

MW: This here is the whole reason I keep watching Keanu Reeves movies...

-- "A boy that is the same when he is with you and when with friends..."


OD: Do you want the caring boyfriend or the drunken frat boy that's doing shots because someone is singing "Shake You Down?" Make up your friggin mind.

MW: Yeah...cause I'm sure you love it when we call you a "Fat Fucking Poon."

-- "A boy that tells you everything honestly..."


OD: Here's why this will never happen:

Girl: Do these pants make my ass look fat?
Boy: Yes.
Girl slaps boy.

MW: Another example...

Girl: (lying in bed naked on a quiet Sunday morning...)
Watcha thinkin about?
Boy: Cincy play the Steelers today...I'm hoping they win cause I got fifty bucks on the game...
Girl: (gets up and leaves...)


-- "A boy that is good with your family and introduces you to his family..."


OD: What if your family was killed in a tragic Jenga
accident? Huh? What then? I'm so depressed.

MW: Or if your dad is the BTK killer? I'm sure you'd stay for dinner for sure...

-- "A guy that will always let you win..."


OD: I've been beaten by enough women to know that you don't have to always let them win. It'll happen naturally.

MW: Like those Bengals since 90'...I'm still waiting for my first winning season...

-- "A guy who stands up for you no matter who it is against..."


OD: Unless you are being a bitch. If some guy calls you a bitch, and you were being a bitch, you are on your own. I can't help you if you were acting bitchy.

MW: If the guy who you're up against is Batista or Jason Voorhees, there's a vapor trail of dust behind me where I used to stand...

-- "A guy who calls you at night just to say hi and see how your day has been..."


OD: Damn those free nights and weekends.

MW: Again...separation anxiety. Besides, I'm sure you love hearing about our Madden 2006 highlights...

-- "A boy who tells you that your smile makes his day and makes everything better..."


OD: Other suggested completely made up lines: Your ass is a spaceship I want to ride.

MW: Sometimes it doesn't though. Sometimes it completely freaks out. Like when you get furikake or nori stuck in your teeth? Yikes!

-- "A boy who will sit on the phone with you when your sad, even if you're quiet."


OD: He's playing on-line poker and losing.

MW: Or downloading the new Linkin Park single...

-- "A boy who u can hangout and have fun with!"


OD: You mean you have to get along with the person you are dating? That makes sense now. Fucktard.

MW: Judging from the past experiences you've told me about, I thought you liked going out to dinner, having the guy not compliment your make-up and new shoes, and arguing over the check, only for him to call you a bitch, leave, and then cheat on you with Ex-GF that same night. You could have fooled me...

-- "Just randomly call her for no reason at all, just because you missed her..."


OD: See section on separation anxiety. Seek help.

MW: Make up your mind? Do you wanna be babied or be independent?

-- "A guy who will hold your hand through the roughest parts of life..."


OD: Like the rodeo or a mammogram.

MW: Or when you're puking in the parking lot of Karaoke Hut.

-- "A guy who would love me forever no matter the
circumstance..."


OD: Like there is a guy that will forgive you if you slept
with half the New York Yankees. (Even Randy Johnson you filthy whore.)

MW: I still can't let go of those Gilbert Godfrey sex tapes...

-- "A guy who wouldn't mind me wanting to get all dressed up and do my make up for him. even if he says he likes me better without make up..."


OD: Dress up. Either Dirty French maid, Naughty Schoolgirl, or Vampire Slayer.

MW: May I suggest the Carson Palmer or Jim Jackson Jersey? Now that's hott, fine, sexy, beautiful AND adorable...