Now that I'm successfully on my own I have certain rights, I have the right to pick my friends not have them pick me, friends come and friends go it is normal to outgrow stale relationships. The following list is what is mine:
Personal Bill of Rights
1. Think of urself first.
2. Manage ur own life.
3. Stand up for urself.
4. Influence others.
5. Behave as you choose.
6. Say "I don't know."
7. Say "NO" without guilt.
 

To those that have been deleted from my profile as friends.  I say to you, what good is a friend that you never talk to?  What good is a friend who is a bad influence on you?  What happens when the prospects of the future outweigh the chains that bind us to the past and forever bond us in spirit but no longer in real life?  Times are a changin' and I'm kicking ass and taking names (off my buddy list).  Sorry if you didn't' make the cut, go find some other fool to toy with, to corrupt, to cherish and then destroy, to befriend and then turn your back.  Away with you, godspeed!

Today I finally figured out what’s been up lately.  I have been scared of just being okay because its a feeling I haven’t had in a long long time.  I don’t have to fight the demons anymore, they have finally stopped haunting me and talking to me.  I had to realize that life would be ok and that my state of mind is okay and no longer needs to be silent ...silent all these years.

I always end up feeling this way, alone, sad, depressed, wishing for a way out. I have no friends, I'll admit it, I don't have friends in my life, I'm a fucking leper once more. Perhaps its my laissez-faire take on sex, maybe I just don't care for other people as much as I should, I'm sick of shit, sick of being used, tired of it all. I wish I never had to talk to anyone ever again but I feel so alone... well fuck it FTW!!!

Today's one of those days, I feel shitty, tired, cold, lost, I don't know how to make everything better, I feel like I can't keep up with school but I'm doing it. I havent been doing so well on all of the in-class quizzes and all that shyt, all I can hope is that I will pass and I will have to study my ass off for midterms so that I will do ok. I feel like there's something that I'm missing but who knows. Maybe its time for me to just take better care of my body, by that I mean less substance and more healthy food and whatnot. I suspect that I can do better than I'm currently doing being sleepy and unmotivated. Who knows... I just want to graduate, we'll see what happens this class is a bit difficult, I hope that when we switch instructors after Fall Break things will get better.

Ok so this blog may be somewhat premature but that's ok, today I'm excited, I'm going to school full time this semester and that's all that's on my plate for a change.  I'm not involved in any unhealthy relationships, keeping away from bad influences, and finally moving to the beat of my own drums... BONGO drums haha!!!  I feel great, this is how college should have been all of these many many semesters that I've been there at UNM.  I know that I have wasted a significant amount of valuable time in the past, taking basketweaving, you know the drill.  I'm just glad that finally all of my hard work seems to be paying off, I know what I'm doing, I know who I'm doing and I have my own ideas, hopes, aspirations and nothing can stand in my way of achieving them.  I definitely will graduate this December, I'm pumped.  Thanks to God that I'm doing well in all my classes *knocks on wood* and I'm finally capable of not only budgeting my time but multi-tasking in ways I never dreamed imaginable or thought I could handle.  I feel like school is making sense in respect to my place in life, where I want to be and where I'm at now.  It turns out that I'm exactly where and how I should be at this point in time.  I've dealt with all my demons and now they run from me, they're afraid of my mind.... so cerebral, so intelligent, I guess that I just never was able to give myself the credit that I'm due because of doubt, fear, anxiety.  I've been helpless, now I want to help people who are where I've been, even if its just to let them know that its not the end of the world and things that seem that way are blown way out of proportion by one's own mind.  Chew on that!!!

It's officially Fall in New Mexico. I don't like it one bit, yeah I'll be glad for the temps to go down but seriously I feel melancholy but overall good. I don't feel scared or majorly depressed this year I guess I have to just know that I can't stop Fall from coming and subsequently, Winter. That's ok. "they paved paradise to put up a parking lot"

Sometimes I wish I could just check out by that I mean take a vacation from the daily drudgery that is my daily life. Things suck right now... I feel like crap, I have really no purpose right now in life and I feel like even this semester at school is going to suck. I hope all the financial aid stuff goes through really soon or else I'm going to lose my apartment, if that happens then I'm gonna flip. I don't even have the optimism of my final semester, I fucking hate fall and I feel the seasonal depression taking ahold of me, I'm drowing but will I be able to stay above the water this time? I'll keep my eyes on the hotel california, the rhythm of my soul, the reverberations of time.

I guess I'm just sick of letting my happiness hinge on other people, things and substances. When I'm all alone, the party's over, the smoke is all gone, the booze is all dried up, I'm here alone with my two cats again all by myself. I hate dealing with life all sober today, wanted to smoke but none to be found and I feel like everyone's holding out on me for some reason and like I did something to warrant it. I don't fuckin' know anymore... my best friend really is me myself and I, why can't I have fun? I'm just sick of being unhappy but I know that's my fuckin' problem because nobody else is responsible for me or the way I feel, nobody can do a thing, they can't help, they can't intervene, they can't fight my battles for me or go into the store to buy beer for me because I feel too ashamed to show my face at Smiths. Life is so fucking weird, I don't understand really why I'm going through all of this right now and I'm sure nobody reads this shit but it feels good to just let it rip on here. I am searching desperately for the key to happiness but I can't find it or it just always seems just out of reach. There is nothing else I can do except try to be comfortable with my sober self, my lack of friends, my inability to communicate effectively makes me so angry. Open mouth insert foot, again, sometimes it feels like nothing I can do will draw people to me, instead it just drives them away from me. I've always had this problem and I'm not surprised that is coming back to haunt me this late in life. Sometimes I just think I'm insane but that's really my conscience trying to direct my actions, thoughts, etc. "Why can't we drink forever....?"

we belong together baby... when you left I lost a part of me... does true love still exist? Have I tasted the sweet forbidden honey of the ages? what the fuck do I do now???