clarity comes...

All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love

Companion to our demons
They will dance and we will play
With chairs candles and clothes
Making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
Upstream or down
Without a thought

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love

Peace in the struggle to find peace
Comfort on the way to comfort

And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
I won't fear love
I won't fear love

Fumbling Towards Ecstacy - Sarah McLachlan

Did not sleep at all tonight.  Completely screwed for this morning and well aware.  Too much on my mind.  I may appear capable and strong for the most part, but sometimes I break and this is one of those times.  Too much information that I don't know what to do with.  Things from the past.  Not playing a victim, just confused and hurt and angry.  Things changing everyday.  Happy for a moment yet refraining from too much joy and apparently I was correct to do so.  One day I would like to be wrong.  Trying to plan this reunion and praying that all goes well.  Still so much to do and so few days to do it!  Planning the vacation with Teagan and airline fares and fuel surcharges and hotel stays that promise to put me far more into debt.  $26 per adult to take the Banff Gondola up Sulphur Mtn..... when the fuck did it end up costing that much to go up the damn mountain?!  Fees for lawyers, uncertainty in that respect.  All the plans failing for when I'm back home, it's not what I wanted and there's nothing that I can change.  Doctor diagnosed Teagan with asthma yesterday and she is getting an inhaler.  I miss my baby girl. Everything for her.  She is all I have.  I just want to hold her.  The walls started leaking today where I live.  Something burst, so now we had to turn the water off.  Wait for it to be fixed.  I just want to do my laundry.  We were lucky though!  Caught it quickly.  All of this on top of everything else.  Never a dull moment.

I miss my friends.  My best friend is coming to Vancouver one month before I leave!  Ironic.  I love you Lindsey, I'll miss you tons, like I do already.

Vancouver has been so crazy for me.  Ups and downs. Met amazing people. My darling Saavedra, my lovable Russian Tim, among many others.  Remembered how to have fun.  Remembered how to be me.   I think I can thank Dan for a lot of that.  Our walks, our talks.  Getting lost while being found.  I've had amazing experiences.  Being in a music video for my favorite band, seeing great shows I wouldn't have been able to in Edmonton, being able to have my own private Hedley rehearsal session, hanging out with incredibly talented individuals, and interning for Art of Dying.  It has definitely been something.  Beautiful scenery among crack addicts and transvestite hookers.  I love all the different flowers I have never seen before.  I know the map of this city like the back of my hand.  It's humid and I hate the film it leaves on my body.  I strangely miss the dryness of home.

Home.

3 more months.

I wish I could do better by you,
'cause that's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
In order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams
Sailing around the world
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

When you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave
Fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost
You don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh

One, two, one two three four
I wish I could do better by you
'cause it's what you deserve
You sacrifice so much of your life
in order for this to work

While I'm off chasing my own dreams (my own dreams)
sailing around the world ('round the world)
Please know that I'm yours to keep
My beautiful girl

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies
Knowing that I may have been the cause
If you were to leave and fulfill someone else's dreams
I think I might totally be lost

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl

ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh
ooooo ooo ohhh ohh oh oh

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings)
No delicate string of pearls (String of Pearls)
That's why I wrote this song to sing
My beautiful girl.

City and Colour

so off to court we go...

diddly dee

He gets $200,000

and I get $39,000

The majority of which goes to paying off my student loan.

THIS is FAIR?!!!

THIS is how much he cares about Teagan.  That's how much he ever loved me.  That's how much respect he shows me and my family.

To leave me with NOTHING.

Oh, I'll be happy to share each and every single terrible, selfish, disgusting thing he ever did to me and to us and to his friends.  All of his lies and deceit.

The gloves are off.

Yup, this is war.

BIG

BLOODY

DIRTY

WAR

who he truly is.

I'll say whatever I please, because it's true.

A ridiculously selfish offer.  Unbelievable really.  I'm actually in shock.