Many days I have asked over and  over again  "y" until today I didn’t want to accept the fact that I might not like what I would hear. We all ask for God's undivided attention (as if our problems were that great.) but rarely do we realize (I speak from self experience.) that he is already focused on us.

I wrote this as a self revelatory and exposing snapshot of what is burning in me. I’m not pushing my beliefs because I don’t have the right too. However, if you can gain any thing from this then it has served its purpose. All go through times of despair and unknowing, whether self-inflicted or unpredicted. Sometime it seems as though these situations are unavoidable. You are never alone. Even though I feel physically and emotionally alone I know spiritually I am not. Not because of my goodness or worthiness. No, far from that it’s because God is God and he loves all his creation. Even when I don’t love myself he loves me. I am his whether I like it or not. He made me and he keeps me. I don’t say this because I claim to know something you don’t. I say this because I feel it deep inside. When I’m afraid and truly lost I feel him there. Look closely and you will find him in you.

You alone are God. Help me to embrace the essence of truth. Through your grace I find the strength to grasp my failures. All is dark when viewed through my experience. Give me the wisdom to perceive the path that has been laid before me. Remove the inhibiting numbness that blinds me. Empower me to cast down the things that cause pain and resentment. Awaken in me the thirst for your righteousness. Let me stand firm upon the foundation of love.  Establish in me a hunger for your ways.

You alone are God. You have shown sacrifice. How can anything I do compare? You alone are great. How can I learn from your example? Must I be humbled further? How much more do I withhold from you. I’m a selfish being. It is in my nature. Is it blasphemy if I state that these traits come from you?

You alone are God .All praise is yours, for you are God. Alone you are standing. How can I rise, walk, and seek your ways when the weight of my sins entraps me. What needs to be said? What needs to be done?  What has been set in motion? Is it an answer to prayer, might it be your condemnation or your divine intervention? Is my distress my curse, my punishment or my deliverance?

You alone are God. Can I know these things? Am I too slow to grasp and too stubborn to bend. Have I wasted the gifts you poured into me? Should I ask these things or be content in knowing you are God. You are God! Where was I when the cosmos was in your mind? I will give you glory. Will I fail like so many before me? Should I leave all to you , or do you want me to fight for what I desire. Is what I desire even revealed to me?

You alone are God. Thank you for showing me; you alone are God.

And you will never leave me alone.

mju.

I didnt write this poem but it pours out as if it had flowed straight from my soul to inspire the author. I'll let this poem speak for my silence. 

You'll see how it mirrors my pleas.

What do I have to do?
I can’t tell you
Use your brain
To see I’m in pain
Agony in fact
Has deep impact
Crushing hopes dreams and ambitions
With no inhibitions
You could at least try
To stop shouting when I cry
To stop nagging when I’m down
Or stop talking when I frown
Work with me
Not against me
Push me along
Not back to where I’m from
I’m trying so hard to pick myself up
But I’m stuck
And you’re not helping

What do I have to do?
To show I need you
I can’t kneel on the ground
You’ll kick me around
My insides already bruised and broken
My words already spoken
Your ears always shut
And you can’t even see  

That your torturing me    <---minor edit that needed to be made MU..

Author: Millyem

Her we go again.

let the show begin.

Ericka and i have been back together for a while.....that sucker lol ......

j/k  . its been a rough ride but the wounds have healed and left battle scars.

hope to see all you soon . ive been baried at work but eventually i will rise from oblivion and rejoin the human race. 

Hey all,

Well just letting ppl know I'm still among the living. I have been through a lot these last few months. Ups and downs have been more the constant then the occasional. Just when I feel like I overcame I fall hard. Been there? Yeah most of us have. Well I think I've hit the lowest yet but I can say I still have a lot to be grateful for. One is my health. The other is the love of my mom and Brother. They have been such a big help to me and I am really grateful. Every major challenge I have ever met up against in my adult life I have been able to count on one person to be there. Unfortunately the greatest challenge that I have ahead is coping with that very person no longer sharing the weight of my problems with me. Being alone has always been something I feared and to this day I am still haunted by that fear. This fear however will no longer bind me or seduce me to conform. Did I want my best friend to go? No, but to change, yes.  I have realized that change is not something that you can force on someone but change comes to those who seek it. Sometimes ppl change in the opposite direction that you hoped and pushed for.  I've seen some one whose heart once beat for my own now be drawn away. I am not glad she is gone but I must say there are no excuses for me. I must move on and walk the path that has been laid before me. Where it will lead only God knows but I hope the least I can do is to take it step by step. I believe this is the first step in my journey. Even though I know it's not the last. I feel as though it is the heaviest to make. I know I have failed many but I must be true to my self. I have failed my dreams and I am sorry to have come short. The truth is I don't have many friends that remember me alone. Everyone will probably know me as Mario, Ericka's husband well I believe that that title no longer bares any meaning. I no longer deserve that privilege and distinction. Who am I now.... I Don't Know. As long as I can remember she was who I was. It's a strange feeling I have no identity. How will I know who or what I am? Should I be who I was before her? GOD, NO. I have come too far for that. The truth is that I am scared but I will use that fear to move on. I will no longer be distracted by uneventful things. Habits are extremely hard to break but they said the cure to a bad habit is to replace it with a good one. In the aftermath I only hope I can replace enough bad habits to be worthy of someone's love.  But who am I to judge good and bad. Some say that knowledge comes from God. A lot of you know that I once was a faithful believer in God and Piteous living but that has died in me.  Will death reveal the truth of birth? Will my marriage dying breath life into my soul. Only God can answer such questions. Why it happened is obvious it bares a name. The name is a five letter word and it spells Mario. I am at fault I could have made the right choices I could have chosen not to hurt her so many times. I know now emotional wounds are harder to heal than physical ones. I hope one day the damage I have inflicted on her will be healed and that she may erase me from her heart as the cause of her pain. Does she love me I think so but I don't think that is enough in her eyes and I don't think it is enough either. Its cliché but you hear all the time if you love something let it go well I think we did just that. Today was our sixth year anniversary and it was the first time we weren't together. I am man enough to say I am wrong. I know it and so does she. But time is forgiving am one day I will be able to give my heart again. The next time if it ever comes I will not be so arrogant. Is this really the end to us I can't say for sure . However by her actions and words I do belive that it is. In any event I am looking ahead to a brighter future.