Well yesterday I promised you all a bumper friday edition and I must admit at this point that I lied.
I have absolutely nothing for you today. This is becoming quite a habit and I'm losing readers at an alarming rate. If I were a leading supermarket chain my shareholders would probably have become my ballsholders by now.
However since I am not in this for profit I don't really give a fuck. If I can get the readership down to two people a day I can give it up for good.

Today is the start of the great Glastonbury festival in England, EU where thousands of people go to see musical pop groups and circus acts and so on and on and on. I shall not be going due to other pressing engagements plus the fact that I don't have a ticket but I shall be keeping a close eye on the TV and bringing you reports and reviews of the various acts. I may also scoot off down there to interview a few people. Is it true the pope is coming? That's what I heard anyway. If I could get to ask the pope a few questions that would be fucking wicked.
"Your holiness” I would say. “Does the Vatican think that Michael Jackson is cool or uncool?”
Is that a loaded question or what? I mean if he says 'cool' then what does that say about the Church?
And if he says 'uncool' then what does that say about his personal street cred? Watch him squirm out of that one. They don't call me superhack for nothing. They ought to fire Larry King and give me the job. At least the CNN global slot.

G8 mania is gripping the world. The G8 countries are the US, UK, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Canada and Russia. Who decides who is in the G8? The G8 does. Who elects the G8? The G8. And who benefits from all this? I don't know. Probably the G8 countries. In other words it's an exclusive rich mans club. It's that fucking Illuminati thing that idiot was going on about the other day. Secret organisation indeed.

Complaints to alwaysready666@hotmail.co.uk

Today's mail brought scant reward.

Still, Mr Ubiq writes:

Dear Mr O Pinion
Can you please tell me how to create a panoramic Flash movie that moves in perpetuity with respect to the mouse position aka qtvr but not in 3 sentences or more.

Yes Mr Ubiq. I can do it even not in two sentences or more..

First bung all your pics into that thingy at the top after you've made a whole lot of those whatsits and then write a whole load of actionscript code and stick it in one of the box things down at the bottom and then do test movie and lo and behold you have a syntax error, tough shit, try again.

Somebody was telling me the other day about a conspiracy by a secret society called the 'Illuminati'. Their evil plan is to take over and control the world. As I was listening it all started to sound familiar.
"Secret organisation my ass” I said. “That's no secret. It's called capitalism. What the fuck are you on about? It's as secret as Microsoft's secret plan to put windows xp in every computer on the planet. While you're off in the woods looking for the Illuminati the industrialists and politicians walk away with the whole cake.”

Damn fools. Another distraction. I don't know. The things that people believe.

There seems to be no other news today what with it being thursday. Thursday is traditionally a bad day for news. But looking on the bright side tomorrow is friday and there will be lots and lots and lots of news. A bumper friday edition.

Till then take care of yourselves, don't do anything stupid, and look after your dear old mum. z.

Psychology is not an exact science, but rather a group of theories built on abstract models used to attempt to explain human thought and behaviour. “Boring!” I hear you shouting, but just bear with me for a moment.

I have received a letter from a gentleman, who claims to be a doctor, a doctor of psychology no less, from Germany, like anybody is going to believe they've got psychologists in Germany, everybody knows the best psychologists are american, Freud, Jung, Shwartznegger. Dr Muller says, and my god he should know, that I am showing signs of acute paranoia, schizophrenia, and other vague 'ias' too numerous and complicated to include in this page. In his own words “You are sick and need to seek help now!”. Well I'm going to humour Muller, who is most likely a trade union activist from Gdansk, and respond to his foul accusations without resorting to my usual smear tactics.
Mr Leon Trotsky, russian intellectual, and creator of the concept of 'permanent revolution', was paranoid. He was totally toys in the attic. But it didn't stop him fucking off to Mexico, getting the hots for Frida Kahlo, and having that tragic accident with Stalin's ice pick. Did it now Mr shitty pants psychologist? Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean nobody is trying to slip a python up your trouser leg does it?
As for schizophrenia, any old glue sniffer, alchoholic or habitual masterbator would show the same symtoms.
So shut you old nazi.

My friend Super Latina tells me that she's interested in US foreign policy. That's good. I didn't know there was one. From where I stand it looks more like stumbling from fiasco to disaster. Since the Korean war it's been a series of disasterous invasions, coup de etats, covert operations, dirty tricks, overthrowings of democratically elected governments who happened to elect the wrong candidate, and support of totalitarian regimes. And all this seems to be improvised, rather like a bunch of musicians who don't really know their instruments very well, trying to improvise with no regard to anything anybody else might be playing and with the aim of making themselves sound the best. Bit like the Stones when I saw them at Wembley. “The Stones!” I hear you scream. “What blasphemy. How can he say the Stones don't know their instruments very well?”
Well let me tell you that if you go back and listen to old Stones records, the ones with Brian Jones on them, you'll hear the difference. They have a sound. A unique sound. Heavy and ominous.
Then listen to the post Jones' records. Absolute rubbish. Over produced, glitzy, smooth. Complete bollox. Missed the whole point. Took me thirty years to realise this. It might take you longer but you'll get there.

Well, thats all folks.

Jeffrey Sachs has been described by the New York Times as 'the most important economist in the world'. He became a Harvard professor at the age of 28 and has worked as an economic advisor to numerous governments around the world. So he's hardly some crusty anarcho-punk. And what is Sachs message?
"Don't let the leaders [of the G8] leave Scotland without offering serious plans for ending poverty and climate change. They are not going to Gleneagles for a game, or for a little vacation, not for photo-ops, not for smiles. They are there to set us on a real path to ending extreme poverty. Give them a serious warning – don't leave here without doing your work. Don't leave here without putting in place solutions to these problems.”
Sachs uses an example of a village in Malawi in which nearly all the adults under 40 have died from AIDS for lack of a dollar a day drug and subsequently a complete generation is being raised by its grandparents. The government of Malawi had proposed a plan to distribute the drugs to 300,000 people but the international community decided it was too ambitious and decreased it to 25000. This is not the failure of an African government. This is the failure of our own governments.
But I'm preaching to the converted anyway. All my nazi readers stopped reading when I started using three syllable words. You're probably all thinking 'when's he going to shut the fuck up about professor Sachs and give us the Kofi Annan interview.'
Ok then here it is.

I caught up with Mr Annan in the UN lobby.

"Mr Secretary General, may I call you Kofi?”
"No thanks I just had some tea. ho ho ho. Do you know how many times I get to tell that joke ho ho ho. And they say the secretary general has no sense of humour... let me tell you I've had Saddam Hussein in stitches. I've even made Putin laugh. He loves my jokes. How many Chechens can you get into a village hall? Ho ho ho. That's one of his favourites.”
"Well Mr Secretary General I rather wanted to ask you about the UN's role in Africa, given that the current situation in some countries is catastrophic”
"You americans..” he said “Always trying to blame the UN for everything.”
"I'm not American and I'm not blaming the UN. I'm just asking a simple question.”
"Well let me ask you a question for a change.”
"Ok go ahead”
"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Winnie Mandela's umbrella?”
"I Don't know Mr Annan, I'm trying to get some serious answers to some serious questions. I really don't think this is a laughing matter”
"You americans... much too serious. Knock knock?”
"Who's there?”
"Little boy blue”
"Little boy blue who”
"Michael Jackson. Ho ho ho. I love that one. Ho ho ho.”

At that point in walks man mountain from Philadelphia, and I am thinking 'oh no not again' but this time he heads for Mr Annan. “Get up to floor seven and clean out the secretary general's office. Chop chop.”  he says.
"Yes Mr Henderson” says Kofi, somewhat deferentially, and scuttles off without so much as a 'by your leave'.
Very strange behaviour for the head of the UN in my opinion.

Coming soon:
I'll be interviewing some very famous movie stars later in the week but I'm keeping it secret.

And it's good night from us here at the Biased Opinion studios until tomorrow at the same time.

All complaints to alwaysready666@hotmail.co.uk or MYSPACE internal mail.

It appears that there's a big battle going on within the live8 camp over the choice of acts for the concerts. There is an opinion which says that it's a completely white anglo-saxon dominated lineup. Which it is. Geldof says that what is important is reaching as big an audience as possible and this means the biggest stars, which is true, while the anti camp claims that this is insulting to African musicians. Which it is. I think this is one of those frequent cases where everybody is right, including myself. Anyway it reminds me of the spanish civil war where the republicans all fought between themselves while the fascists took over. Well actually it's not even remotely like the spanish civil war but never mind. I personally don't give a monkey's toss who plays at live8. They can reform the Beatles for all I care. I'm going where the action is, not some poxy concert. I'm going to Scotland to hunt down the big stories. Watch this space.

I managed to catch Coldplay's new single on TV the other day. I'd never actually listened to Coldplay before, despite having interviewed Chris Martin on two occasions. Although I drifted off halfway through the song I 've had it running through my head ever since, which is somewhat annoying. Well my opinion of Coldplay is that they are NOT: exiting, inventive, interesting, original, radical, innovative, new, or groundbreaking. On the other hand they ARE: good, nice, pleasant, and ok.
Coldplay were followed by the frog.
Now I don't know if the frog phenomena has reached the US, and I can't be bothered to find out if it has or not, but if it hasn't I would advise all good citizens to contact the Homelands Security thingy and report suspicious terrorist activity on sight. Any flights from Europe carrying this despicable animal should be turned back in mid flight or better still shot down by F16's. This could be a worse disaster than the 1918 influenza epidemic which killed 18 million people or something like that. It's horribly unbelievably much worse than you expected. Just say NO.
This ringtone as an excuse for a pop single actually made Coldplay sound really exciting. Think about it.
So finally the only half decent thing on was Oasis, whose single, whatever it's called, outshone the others by about three and a half miles. But I'm bound to say that about Oasis aren't I? Cause Liam Gallagher's going to kick my face in if I don't, isn't he?

Sadaam Hussein was in the dock last week looking releaxed and confident. Confident of what I have no idea. A well tempered rope?.
I couldn't help noticing that all the newspapers made reference to Sadaams underpants. Does the press know no bounds? Pure sensationalism is what it is. What have his underpants have to do with anything? Are his Y-fronts on trial? Lucky for him he wasn't wearing his red satin panties that day. Lucky for us too.

So this week I called at Robbie Williams' London office for a short chat.
"Robbie, you have frequently been compared in the past to singer George Michael. Both of you were in very succesful boy's bands, both of you experienced a meteoric rise to fame after embarking on solo careers, and both of you managed to screw the SONY corporation, yet you Robbie, have consistently failed to get arrested for loitering with intent to commit a lewd act in an L.A. public toilet. Can you explain this in terms other than negligence? And do you think that a brief appearance on a British TV comedy show in a dress can compensate for this absense of de-closeting.”
"Who the fuck are you?” said the security guard. “G'wan get the fuck out of here before I pull your ears off.”
These damn pop stars. Too much money, not enough brain. Good question though, don't you think?

Finally I have received an email from a Mr Jay Cobbs from Peck Ham, a small and insignificant suburb of one of London's minor suburbs, daring me to insult him. Well well.
Dear Mr J Cobbs. Your postal code is insult enough. Perhaps when you can afford to move up market you could try to contact me again.

Coming up this week:
I'll be talking to the Prime Minister of England, Sir Tony Blair, about his relations with Misyu Jack Sh...iraq, President of the Royal Republic of France, and about nefarious arms deals with the former Iraqi, Sadaam Hussein al Tikriti how's your father.

Complaints as always to alwaysready666@hotmail.co.uk

The value of my collection of Michael Jackson jokes took a nose dive this morning with news of the pop star thing's aquittal on all counts. Whacko jokes have dropped to a dollar each on E-bay and I'm going to be stuck with a huge collection of untellable jests. This morning I was going to tell you all what you would get if you crossed Jacko with a centipede. Now I can't tell you. Shame.
Still, look on the bright side. There's still Sadaam's funeral to look forward to. Oops, did I say funeral? I meant trial. Yes. Sadaam and Chemical Ali.
Chemical Ali. What chance does he have of a fair trial with a name like that? Sounds like the name of some guy selling ketamine down the Black Swan at a breakcore gig. Yo Chemical Ali! Got any more of them Halabja's? They are deadly man!

Went to the airport, you know, to see off a very important friend, a great buddy of mine, and when I'm hanging about waiting for matey to check-in who do I see in the kiosk buying a packet of cheese and onion flavoured potato chips and a Kio-ra orange juice?
Yeah, you guessed it. B-o-n-o. Whew!!!! Well I was flabbergasted! Mr U2 himself.
He was just about to pay for his hand roasted in real ale double wrapped tinfoil enclosed recompressed potato chips, so, thinking on my feet I quickly came up with a way to endear myself to the man. I pushed in from the side and said to the shop assistant “I'll pay for that”
Then everything went black for a while.
So it wasn't Bono Jovi at all. It was Liam Gallagher.

G8 summit news:
I shall be sneaking up to Scotland under cover of darkness and rendezvouing with a notorious gang of luddites whose alleged ringleaders go by the codenames Murcas and Tridu. M. is famous for having boarded the northern line at Oxford Circus bound for Clapham Common and woken up in Peterbourgh six hours later. This is a much greater feat than it sounds. Let it be a reminder of the perils of drugs and alchohol.
*
*
*
Oh ok then. It's a centipede-o-file.

Bye bye.

Well there hasn't been any news for a couple of days and the reason for that is that I looked in the papers and I thought 'boring' I can't be bothered with all this shit. George W who gives a shit? You know what I mean?

Anyway....
I don't go out much these days. I never go to gigs. Rock bands bore me, people are hideous and I just want to go home and be comfortably anti-social. But yesterday a friend of mine turned up from Canada, and since he was deejaying in a venue closeby, for moral support more than anything, I took a chance and went out into the world.
For those of you who have never heard of 'breakcore', and those of you who have, but have never actually experienced it I can only offer this advice. Go prepared. Though what can prepare you for a sonic sandblasting that parts your hair neatly down the middle, turns your stomach inside out and pushes your eardrums down your throat, I don't know. Half the people there looked like they'd had their brains parted down the middle before they got there so at least they came prepared.
Breakcore is a form of drum and bass but it pulls out all the stops. It's not just the volume, it's not just the sub-sonics, and it's not just the phenomenal pace. It keeps twisting and changing continously, one second it's one thing and the next second it's something else. And fuck my old boots it's about as harcore as you can get. For those of you who like to take it as far as it goes and even a bit further it's definitely highly recommended. And that's from just about the only person there not on drugs. Well not real drugs anyway. It certainly woke me up. Gets a ten. Breakcore.
Now I can retire to my home for another year knowing I'm still alive.

Today's morning newspaper informs us that the US, which has four percent of the worlds population produces twenty five percent of global greenhouse gas emissions. Each US citizen produces 5.9 tonnes of carbon a year while each Bangladeshi produces 0.05 tonnes per year. This makes every american worth 100 Bangladeshis. But we knew that already. What I don't understand is the total apathy of the american people who elected a chimp to run the country and then went back to sleep. I don't get it. Like do they think that they don't live in this world or what?

Coming soon...
Tommorow I'll be going to the airport to drop off a friend. Who knows, maybe I'll bump into Bono or somebody and be able to pop off a few questions.

Arrivederci

Loads and loads of complaints about yesterdays column. People found it offensive because I told them to fuckoff I'm having the day off. Yeah you're probably right but you fucked off anyway didn't you?

So on to the news.
Treacherous Tony meets the Evil Bish in Washington and they carve up the salami, throwing Geldof a bit of the skin hoping he might shut up before the G8 conference, but there's little hope of that. Bob's been getting flack from all sides. The left think he's too mainstream, too wishy washy liberal, the right think he's a meddling troublemaker.
Truth is that the hardcore were going to Gleneagles anyway. They were going long before Bob Geldof got involved. The G8 summit is a traditional anarchist gig. Has been for years. The anarchist trip is not about Africa. It's about capitalism. But that isn't important really because Africa is about capitalism.
Critics point to corrupt African regimes as being the problem, but no government exists in a vacuum. They must have support and if this support does not come from the people then it must come from outside. In most cases it comes from multinationals who are obviously operating with the covert blessing of their respective governments (read US, EU) who in reality either control or are controlled by them.
One thing about Live Aid.
It's not going to make poverty history and it's certainly not going to make capitalism history, at best it will stop the situation from getting any worse. Which is something Bob Geldof is well aware of. He's not thick and certainly not naïve, as some claim.
Carry on Bob.

Meanwhile we learn from Murdoch rag 'The Sun' that Midge Ure has announced that TRAVIS, Snow Patrol and Dido will be among those heading the line-up at a massive anti-poverty concert in Scotland next month. Texas, Wet Wet Wet, Annie Lennox, and the Proclaimers are also confirmed to appear at the concert. They will be joined by other headline acts such as Embrace, The Thrills, McFly, Ronan Keating and Natasha and Daniel Bedingfield.

To be honest I know the names but I've no idea who the fuck they all are. I copy/pasted that bit directly from 'the sun's website.. Who cares anyway? Maybe one of them knows something about the mysterious Sid.

Looks like Michael Jackson might have to sell all his old Beatles records to pay his lawyers. Well he's not going to get much for them is he? A bunch of old 45's. Who uses them these days? Everyone's got all that shit on their I-pods anyway.
And while we're on the subject of M. Jackson, my friend James, a source of the stars most intimate and dark secrets tells me that the question of what time Jackson goes to bed is quite simple. According to him it's when the big hand touches the little hand.

What with all the speculation about Microsoft's alleged unethical business practices I decided I would go and talk to the big man himself Mr Bill Gates. He was attending a dinner at the Plaza Hotel in New York last monday so, disguising myself as an italian waiter I slipped in to have a little parley. I just milled around for a while biding my time waiting for my opportunity to catch Mr Gates alone and have a little chat. Eventually I managed to corner him when he was alone so I asked him directly, without beating around the bush... or is that bish?.. “Why is that when I shut down my PC it takes about ten minutes to turn off whereas if I just pull the plug it shuts down immediately with no adverse effects?”

Well he actually took offence at the question, I must have touched a raw nerve or something because he started to shout something about letting him take a shit in private and then this great mountain of a man, probably from Philadelphia, appears yet again and pulls me out of the cubicle like he's really pleased to see me and hugs me all the way to the back door. I ask you. Is that the way to treat an italian waiter?

I have received word from the internet of a Zionist Feminist Bolshevist Homosexual conspiracy to take over the world. I kid you not. Jewish lesbian loving communists already control Hollywood and the rest of the world is in peril. I was placated though, by learning from the same source, that 'only' a million people died in the holocaust, thus bringing it down to acceptable, more humane numbers.

And you worry about kids seeing porn on the net.

G8 newsflash.

Seems that Fatkopfukker won't be able to borrow his mum's car after all. She says he can't take it all the way to Scotland unless he passes his driving test and there's not much chance of that because he's a fucking useless driver. Still I may have a place in a horse drawn wagon, only trouble is it won't get there till september. Maybe I'll just hitch.

Salaam aleikum.

Complaints if you please thank you very much any time you like to alwaysready666@hotmail.co.uk

Finally caught up with the great Elton John this weekend when I found him in the Savoy, munching into a giant bacon and egg sandwich.
"First of all I'd like to say that I've always been a great fan of yours.” I say, brown nosingly. “I've got all your albums.”
He nods his head. He's obviously been ass licked before.
“Yeah. Downloaded your whole discography last week on my PC. This mp3 business is dead cool don't you think? I've got so many albums now I'll never need to buy another one again. And all my friends can copy them. They all wanted your stuff.”
For some strange reason he doesn't seem to be flattered by this complement, though it might just be that he's choking on a bit of pigs trotter. The truth is that nobody is the slightest bit interested in his discography, all they want is Coldplay's bootleg. But you have to suck up to these people.
So I make him an offer he can't refuse.
"So, Elton. Would you be interested in a bootleg of Coldplay's new album in mp3 format?”
He obviously doesn't like Coldplay that much.
"Oasis? Yours for a fiver” I say, seductively.
"Five euros?” I try, hoping that the subsequent 20 percent drop in price is sufficient to engage his interest.
Then that giant slab of meat from Philadelphia or at least his twin brother shows up and gives me a big hug again, then there is some kind of mixup, that stupid stubborn policeman won't let me go back in to get my umbrella, and I don't get to say goodbye to Elton.

So much for freedom of the press.

Complaints thank you very much to alwaysready666@hotmail.co.uk

Yesterday Live Aid boss Bob Geldof was spotted by our intrepid home counties reporter in Southampton, a dreary english port complete with university and shopping center, largely ignored since the end of the second world war. What was old Bob doing hanging around with a load of sailors, students and housewives? Was he doing his shopping in KwikSave? No. Not at all. He was there to urge the people of Southampton to sail to France and pick up European activists ahead of the G8 confrence in July. A kind of Dunkirk in reverse.
Meanwhile the good citizens of Hampshire are cacking their hosen at the thought of the foreign hippie horde slowly munching it's way through the countryside, trudging through the damp and dismal lanes of rural england, stealing their chickens, romancing their sheep and trying to sell them french onions.
Nice one Bob. Just keep on stirring.

We've received the following in our mailbox from a reader in the former russian republic of Latvia. We considered it vaguely amusing, at least enough to include here, and it saves us a hell of a lot of work thinking up something of our own.

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle
of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trios.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The three Chinese have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have employed the Bulgarian woman.
The two Irishmen have divided the island into north and south and set up competing distilleries. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're both quite satisfied since the British aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

Biased Opinion generally uses the english language in it's daily column. At times this can be problematic, as english, being largely a mixture of saxon and french, has some very strange characteristics, not least that of pronunciation.
From yesterdays 'Independent' we learn that:
Although I thought that I ought to have bought enough donoughts on fulough with the dough I brought to the borough, I coughed roughly and hiccoughed as the wind soughed in the boughs and wrought havoc in the drought, and the snake thoroughly sloughed it's tough skin in the trough by the lough, while I fought doughtily, ploughed through the slough, sought help as a chough flew by, and all for nought.
How do we manage?

What with all this hullabaloo over Live Aid I flew to Philadelphia to talk to none other than my main man Mr 50 cent himself.
"Hey cool cat what's the jive with the groove man?” I said, hoping he'd think I was street credible. Luckily what with my accent and him knowing I was a brit he thought I said “I say old chap let's tuck in to the old grub. what what?”
So over bagels, smoked salmon and cream cheese we rapped about the music industry, .
"Ok if I call you 50” I asked, if only to be polite.
"Go ahead” he drawled, gesticulating wildly. This was one hell of a smooth operator.
Then I asked him the question I had really come all this way to ask. What did he know about that fateful night in 69 when Brian Jones was pushed into the pool by the great rock and roll strangler?
And was it true that he had met with the mysterious Sid in a small smokey bar on the lower east side in New York City prior to the alleged accident?
Inside my coat pocket I laid my hand on my piece, felt the warmth of the cold steel, stroking the barrel ever so gently, my fingers running up and down its shaft, knowing that if he tried anything I would change his handsome features forever, hoping I wouldn't need to go so far but perfectly prepared to do so.
"Hey dude you limeys talk so funny” he said, “Sure I'll let you take me to see Big Ben next time I'm in London. It'll be a pleasure. Here. Try one of these onion bagels.”
Then some huge guy about six feet, and he must have been almost as tall, ushers me out into the reception area.
I'm sure I heard Mr Cent saying something about some pervert jerking off in his office but I'm not really too sure, on account of this guys arm which was wrapped round my head, restricting my hearing.

somente o só

Complaints can always be sent to alwaysready666@hotmail.co.uk

Biased Opinion's legal team has advised us that we could be sued for libel if any of the articles in this column turn out to be false or slanderous. Well there's no danger of that. Every item is checked and double checked for accuracy. Our sources are both discreet and reliable.
Anyway Biased Opinion is not easily scared off. Let Mcdonalds take us on. Go on try it again Ronald you fucking little prick. Your 3 cent hamburgers are shit. You tear down the rainforests. You're full of shit, you and all the other motherfuckers out there. Sue us cause we're saying that your hamburgers are full of maggots. We're not afraid to stand up and be counted!!!
AND Our name is Vespucci de Mario and we live inna Napoli inna the poor aparta de town. Pleese a senda us de emails. Tenks.

Continuing on the theme of trust, it appears that there are other readers who doubt Biased Opinions ability to present an honest and balanced case. Everything in these columns is the gospel truth but as a compromise to the doubting toms we will in future insert a sentence or phrase where the narrative deems it necessary that will ensure the reader that the information in question is absoloutely one hundred percent true.
No. No really. I'm deadly serious.
Also, to further protect our asses we shall rename all public figures, eg. Brad Pitt will become Brid Patt.

My My who would have thought it? After all this time we now find out that Londa Livelace, star of the 70's porn movie 'Deep Throat' is actually Merk Falt, a former FBI agent. Fuck my old boots I've heard of the Bangkok shemales but this is ridiculous. How did he pull that one off?

Six people were killed in riots in Karachi when a Kentucky Fried Chicken was burned to the ground after a suicide bomber blew himself up in a mosque in the city. No this is really true I swear it and if you don't believe it just look it up in CNN or whatever. I mean what is going on? Someone blows up a mosque so they go and burn down a KFC. That really makes sense.

On second thoughts.... I suppose it makes more sense than burning down Ali's felalfel stand.
Rule number one for third world rioters. Go American. If that's not available go European. Only if there are no western targets available is it legitimate to burn down Ali's felafel stand.

My radical little old lady friend from beautiful downtown Burbank advises readers, in a frantic email to Biased Opinion, not to go 'within a thousand mile radius of California'.
Oh I wouldn't go as far as to say that. California's not all that bad. If it weren't for California we would never have had 'California Dreaming' or 'Hotel California'.
Eager to find a third example of indispensable californian cultural icons, and not wanting to use the obvious 'Baywatch', since even Biased Opinion's readers are probably well informed enough to know that baywatch, or jugwatch as it was known down our street, fucked off to Hawaii eventually. So I turned to Google, but on getting 412 million pages for 'california' I decided that my previous two examples were sufficient.

It appears that a over 140 cities in the United States, representing 32 million americans, have decided to go it alone and comply with the Kyoto agreement for greenhouse gas emissions limits, something which the White House has repeatedly refused to do, so circumventing Washington's outrageous moral corruption.
Once again George W. Bish ends up with egg on his face. White house officials are at this moment scraping the offending material off the Evil Bish's face and it will be dried, turned into powder, and sold to Mozambique who will purchase it using a World Bank loan at a compound interest rate of 27 per cent per annum payable in sugar at 0.3 cents per ton.

A radeer has snet in tihs vrey insnretetig ltilte spinept. Wehn you jmbule up all the lrtetes ecpxet the fsrit and the lsat oens i'ts sitll tltaoly rabdaele. uealibvbenle!

Mr Tony Blair is going to Washington this week for talks at the White House. Treacherous Tony and the Evil Bish will no doubt be discussing ways of dealing with the hornet's nest that Bob Geldof has stirred up regarding the forthcoming G8 summit in July. Geldof's call for a million protesters at Gleneagles has pissed Blair right off. Meanwhile anarchist groups from around the world are converging on Scotland intent on making themselves heard and turning the 'make poverty history' campaign into 'make capitalism history'. Well the more the merrier I say.

A Mrs Peacock, writes to me from Florida in the USA. Probably in reference to yesterday's Arts&Culture item she states simply that “I was named after Madonna”. She probably expects sympathy.
Big deal Mrs Peacock. George Bish was named after George Bish. Beat that one. And besides if they really wanted to name you after Madonna they should have called you 'Madonna', not Peacock.
Look on the bright side. They could have named you Elton.

G8 summit news.
I phoned up Bob Geldof to try and get a freebee for the train up to Scotland. What? It's fucking loads of money for a train all the way to Edinburgh. My social security cheque is only enough to cover drugs and alchohol.
“Bob” I said “Bob is that you?”
“Yes, this is Bob Nesbitt, reception. How can I help you”.
“Put me through to Geldof there's a good lad” I said. “Tell him it's Biased Opinion”
"Mr Geldof is very busy at the moment but if you'd like to leave your name and number I'm sure somebody will get back to you”.
Well I can recognise a brush off when I see one. The trouble with these 'personalities' is that they're scared to have the muck raked. I can see it now. “Dont let Biased Opinion on the bus. He'll find out all about the drugs and whores”.

I may have arranged something much better anyway. Looks like I might be getting a ride up north with one of the direct-action people. Goes by the codename Fatkopfukker. Real hardcore. This will put me right in the thick of it, where all the action will be.
It really just depends on whether he can borrow his mum's car or not.

Gute nacht damen

Complaints can be sent to alwaysready666@hotmail.co.uk but will most likely be ignored.

SPECIAL SUNDAY ARTS & CULTURE SUPPLEMENT

Pop diva Esther Madonna is rumoured to be reinventing herself yet again. She has by all accounts become a Bokononist, and sources close to the ageing beauty say she is heavily into the holy scripture of Bokononism, 'The Books of Bokonon'. You can find out everything you need to know about Bokononism by reading 'Cat's Cradle' by Kurt Vonnegut Jnr. Due to reasons virtually impossible to understand without first reading Mr Vonnegut's book Mrs Madonna will most likely find it difficult to integrate her new religious beliefs with her penchant for self publicity.

The Last Rites of the Bokononism [ 99 ]
(Each line is said once by the person giving the rites and then repeated by the dying person.)

God made mud.
God got lonesome.
So God said to some of the mud, "Sit up!"
"See all I've made," said God, "the hills, the sea, the sky, the stars."
And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around.
Lucky me, lucky mud.
I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job God had done.
Nice going, God.
Nobody but you could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't have.
I feel very unimportant compared to You.
The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around.
I got so much, and most mud got so little.
Thank you for the honor!
Now mud lies down again and goes to sleep.
What memories for mud to have!
What interesting other kinds of sitting-up mud I met!
I loved everything I saw!
Good night.
I will go to heaven now.
I can hardly wait...
To find out for certain what my wampeter was...
And who was in my karass...
And all the good things our karass did for you.
Amen

Respect to Kurt Vonnegut Jnr!

Looking through my local newspaper the other day I noticed this headline. 'Unknown Bacon exported from Iran'. Now being perfectly aware that Iran is an Islamic republic, and that muslims are forbidden by the holy Koran to consume bovine flesh, I was, to say the least, somewhat surprised. On further investigation though, it became clear that the article was referring to a painting by an artist called Francis, which had languished in a Teheran art gallery for 25 years and is now on display at the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art in Edinburgh. Accompanying the article was a photo of the aforementioned painting. Well I examined this painting quite closely, or at least the photograph in the newspaper, since as Biased Opinion's arts critic that is what I'm paid to do, and you know what? It didn't look anything like a pig. Looked more like some old geyser sitting on a sofa. All this modern art, I don't get it. Give me a Constable any day of the week. A painting where a tree looks like a tree and not like my father's penis.

The London Philharmonic's rendition of Elgar was spoilt for me last week by the rude behaviour of some of the audience substituting traditional british politeness for a much more 'continental' style of boorish bad manners. This was unsurprising given proliferance of Armani and Gucci labels in the foyer.
During the performance I received a very important call on my mobile from my cousin. I was almost unable to make out what he was saying due to the shushing from the people around me and had I not raised my voice we would have had no beer for the party. It seems to me that this egotistical and selfish behaviour is on the rise, and that in the past one's phone conversations would have been considered private. I blame it on all these gadgets that people seem to collect nowadays. All the kids these days have mobile phones and it's making them rude.

Joaquim Cortes the much acclaimed spanish classical dancer appeared this weekend at the Royal Albert Hall, London, UK with his new production 'mi soledad'. Biased Opinion went along to catch a glimpse of this legendary bailador.
Now don't get me wrong. I like dancing as much as the next guy. Britneys Pears, John Travolting, Michael Jacksoff. I love em all. But this Cortes fellow. Well how can I put it? Mr Cortes doesn't wear any trousers and quite obviously rivals Saddam Hussein in the particular privates sector. And as for the title 'mi soledad', I can forgive the man, on account of him being of the spanish race, for not knowing how to spell 'my'. But 'soledad'? With that title you'd expect a bit of Otis, some Marvin Gaye, even 50 cent would be cool, but alas there was little in this performance that could be remotely described as sole music. And it had nothing to do with his dad at all. The girls liked it though. Typical.

DEAR MAG our sunday AGONY AUNT. Mag answers questions sent in by readers.

Dear Mag,
Last summer a nuclear power plant was erected at the end of my road. Since then, yobs roam the street of my quiet suburban neighbourhood playing their loud music all night, have grown to 8ft and have physiques of silverback gorillas. They also have two heads. What's more, the ant infestation problem in my patio has become more and more of a concern. The average worker ants are anywhere between 10 and 11 feet in length, have tattoos and ride Harleys. I've tried putting powder down, but they just pick it up and make fire bombs with it. What do I do?
Mrs Worried.

Dear Mrs Worried,
Don't worry Mrs Worried it's only a passing phase. This is completely normal in the development of adolescents. Many teenagers these days grow a second head which they use primarily for talking on mobile phones enabling them to continue eating cornflakes at the same time.
Nuclear power plants are perfectly safe and if there was any problem the authorities would inform you. Don't you think?
What sort of powder are you talking about? Are you sure some of it didn't go up your nose?

Dear Mag,
I own a donkey. Am I allowed to set up donkey rides in my garden or do I have to get some sort of licence to sell my own ass on my own property ?

Dear,
You can usually pay a small bribe in most cases, and often using your own ass..
Check out: http://www.corruptcityofficials.com/asslicences.html
for a comprehensive list.

Dear Mag,
I'm an 16 year old girl and I'm pregnant, been to the doctors, done the test, had the scan definitely pregnant the only thing is I've never had sex.
I have a boyfriend but he's never even been in my pants and I've never been drunk or anything. Where can the baby have come from?
Mary of Nazereth

Dear Mary ,
You're a fucking little liar.

Loads of criticism over the car bomb piece. 'uncalled for', 'sensationalist', 'gratuitously violent', and 'disrespectful of our corpses' were some of the accusations hurled at Biased Opinion. Hey guys, I only report the news. I don't make it up. It's no good blaming the messenger.

My good friend Bob Geldof has been in the news this morning. “Geldof's call for army of protesters alarms Scots police” screams the Independent, a liberal wishy washy middle of the road wooly sweater do gooder London newspaper. Apparently he has asked a million people to go to Scotland to give the G8 summit leaders a clear message. “Fuckoff back to your own countries, and give us yer fucking money” said Geldof, 53, diplomaticly. Meanwhile in the little Scottish village of Auchterarder the townspeople have been busy boarding up shops and preparing for the invasion of thousands of imported thugs just looking for trouble as they block the streets of the town with their cars and vans. And it's not just the police. The townspeople are worried about bearded eco-warriors smelling of petuli, half naked girls in dog collars with dogs on bits of string, Spanish anarchopunks complete with bongos, vino and paella, and German 'direktaktzionemenschen' pulling up railway tracks and telling everybody to sit down on the toilet while pissing.

Wat nu voor Europa?
Holland, commonly known as the Netherlands, and famous for its tulips, coffeeshops and Anne Frank has given a resounding Nee! to the European constitution. This follows a similar French rejection earlier in the week. Persnickety left wing sources criticise the constitution as somewhat lacking in social content while nefarious neo-nazis claim it stops just short of sucking foreigner's dicks.
A voter who I spoke to in a coffeeshop in Amsterdam yesterday told me what most dutch people thought. “It's such a long and complicated document” he said “I don't think anybody really understands it”.
I'm not surprised. It's a total head fuck in english. Can you imagine how difficut it must be like in dutch? Tachti tachti lach tach tach voor voor choot. And anyway, after you've spent two hours in an Amsterdam coffeeshop you're not really very likely to want to read that sort of crap are you?

Moshe from Tel Aviv in the Holy Land has complained that I attack the Evil Bush incessantly yet allow the Murderous Sharon to continue building his security wall from Damascus to Adis Ababa. Well Moish sounds like a bit of a lefty and we all know how touchy they are. The truth is Moish that I only have a fifteen inch monitor and I couldn't squeeze that big fat butt in there even with the help of a six foot steel bar and a sumo wrestler. The good news is that our science correspondent has calculated that another two hundred kilos of hummus and Sharon will go critical. The other bad news is that the resulting blast may lay waste to a vast area and leave it uninhabitable for centuries, although the Israeli emergency services are regarded highly in their ability to deal with toxic waste. Move to Eilat Moish.

Over the border in the Lebanon they've just been having elections. The Lebanon has a strange electoral system, called confessionalism, which nobody even pretends to understand, in which the president of Lebanon must always be a Maronite, the Prime Minister a Sunni, the Speaker of the Parliament a Shia, and the commander of the army a Maronite..? Oh well never mind you wouldn't want to know anyway. What I really want to say is that my old pal Rizcallah, of the Rizcallah clan of northern Lebanon, a notorious family of drug barons and shifty characters, has been telling me a few things about the indigenous people of his tribal homelands. It seems that the village 'from whence hails' my old friend, is also the birthplace of the author Khalil Gibran. Google describes Gibran thus: Kahlil Gibran was among the most important Arabic language authors of the early twentieth century. He also went on to become a famous author and artist in his adopted country, the U.S.
Well the truth is Riz, that I read 'The Profit' and to be honest I couldn't figure out how you could make money with that kind of a system at all. Seemed more like poetry than anything. Milton Freedman it is not! Anyway keep sending the packages Riz. So far, so good.

Hey some guy in Canada got really pissed off because he's sick of people confusing Canadians with Americans. He also claimed that Quebec was in Canada and not the US as I reported yesterday. No wonder that DuBois woman from New Orleans was confused.
Well I'll tell you what Mr Smarty Pants lumberjack. Canadians are those weird Americans with red maple leaf flags sewn on their rucksacks. They're the ones with no jive, no ghetto, no bling bling. They're Americans, only too sane to pull the trigger. And what's that maple leaf thing about? “I'm not American” Is that what it says......?
Ok. Point taken.
So since when did lumberjacks get internet anyway?

Continuing yesterdays feature on British pop monsters...
Geri Halliwell, ex spice girl and alleged solo artist, has landed the gig of the year according to the Sun, a popular english language newspaper — making a personal appearance at the Asda superstore in Watford, UK, for the launch of her new album. Asda is a subsiduary of the US retail giant, Walmart, and is the leading UK retail outlet in the clothing and home accesory market.
Walmart are also the ones that sold the bullets to those two guys in the Columbine movie. The one starring bolshevist intellectual Charleston Heston. You make your own mind up. Who would you prefer to take home to meet your mum? Halliwell or Heston?

Forthcoming features:
Next week I'll be interviewing the notorious South African terrorist leader, Mr Nelson Mandela and I'll be asking him some hard hitting questions about his twenty five years of incarceration in Robens Island and finding out all about rimming in South African prisons.

Shabat Shalom.

As a mark of respect to our Republican, Conservative, and Christian Democrat readership and to all of you out there who still haven't burned their last copy of 'Thriller', today I am going to give both George W Bush and Michael Jackson a day off. Instead I shall be picking on George Michael, purely because he didn't call himself Jackson Bush.

The small north atlantic island of England has traditionally been the birthplace of great pop artists, from that well known trio from Liverpool, the Beatles, who stormed to the top of the charts with 'Love me do' in 1963 to George Michael and current pop heroes Coldplay. Biased Opinion, as a young lad, was fortunate enough to witness John, Paul, and George Lemon play their first 'gig' in 1963. On the telly that is. The influence of British popsters has not waned since, and when in 1982 the then president of the US, Jimi 'Peanut' Carter was asked to name his favourite band, he answered without hesitation “The Led Zepplins” So in honour of those lovable mop-tops this weeks pop news comes from the english capital.
Pop giants, The Rolling Stones, will be starting their next world tour in december said group leader, Mike Jagger, at a press conference in London, Britain, on tuesday. Jagger refused to answer questions from Biased Opinion about the murder of former group member Brian Jones, who savagely died in a tragic accident under mysterious circumstances in an english swimming pool in 1968. Controversy surrounding the case has never died down and was the subject of an oscar winning hollywood blockbuster starring Oliver and Sharon Stone called “The grassy knob” a reference to Jones legendary prowess with pretty young things. Conspiracy theories abound and many believe that this case was part of a wide ranging conspiracy which ended with the fatal shooting of pop artist Jimi Hendrix outside a London syngogue in 1970. Hendrix was a talented young negro who was tipped to become the Tony Bennet of the new electronic guitar.
Meanwhile Stones guitar god Cliff Richard has bought a 5000 acre snake farm in Australia. When asked by Biased Opinion about what he honestly though he was going to do with such a huge snake farm Richard, 62, slurred “Wha? Fuck. I thought he said smack farm”

We'll stay with the pop scene for the moment because this week lead singer Chris Martin of pop legend Coldplay stunned company officials at EMI, Coldplay's record company. "I don't really care about EMI. I'm not concerned about that," Chris told Reuters. "I think shareholders are the greatest evil of this modern world." . EMI were quick to respond when they put out a statement saying that they were “used to dealing with tempremental musicians, prima donnas, wierdos, druggies, faggots, dykes and foreigners” and since these “moaning adolescent pimple faced bed wetters made them lots of money” they “couldn't give a fuck about what coldplay gave a fuck about”.
Fair play to EMI.
Well they told the Sex Pistols where to shove it didn't they?

I later asked Martin, 27, whether he believed that the Jones murder and the Hendrix assasination were part of the same putrid plot. I asked him if the fact that Jim Morrison had left a message on Janis Joplins answerphone telling her to call John Lemon urgently, in the very same week as the dastardly crime, seemed at all 'convenient'. And who was the mysterious Sid?
“Explain that if you can Mr Martin” I sneered, grabbing his shirt and pulling him towards me, his hot breath mingling with mine.
Fuck, I'm lucky it wasn't Oasis... eh?

In yesterdays column I mentioned a little old lady from West Virginia who wrote in advocating “mass genocide of upper-middle class, white, corporate baby-boomers”. My reply, in essence, asked. “Why limit it to upper-middle class, white, corporate baby-boomers?” Well another reader from the United States has written in suggesting a similar fate for “corporate white folks in the US”. Fine by me. I have no problem with that at all, the only trouble is that it lets Rupert Murdoch, Richard Branson, Aristotle Onasiss, Adnan Khashoggi, The English Royal Family, King Somebody of Saudi Arabia, Elton John, assorted leaders of pro-western military dictatorships, and the shareholders of Nestle, Shell, ICI, Bosch, VW and Heinekin totally off the hook.
Look, Europeans were the ones who invented genocide. We were massacring each other when you Americans were still, well... Europeans. Or Africans or whatever. We've had Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, and Franco in one century alone. If it hadn't been for us you'd still be sitting in a wigwam, having a pow-wow, and smoking pipe of peace. Instead you're sitting in a derelict, having a paranoia attack, and smoking a fat rock. Whose fault is that?
Americans! don't blame yourselves. Blame somebody else. That's what we do. We blame you.

Respect to any man who takes on music industry multinational SONY and wins. Jah man!
I'm talking about closet pop star George Michael, singer in world famous boys band Wham! and later solo artist and toilet loiterer. Michael, of Greek persuasion, battled with SONY in court for four years and finally walked free, his integrity intact, with a big fat wad of dosh. From the beginning Michael stood out as a talent and he was always considered the 'Robbie Williams of Wham!'.
He later shot back into the headlines when he was caught 'red handed' in a Los Angeles toilet with Hugh Grant, a well known englishman. “I was just looking for Divine Brown” said Grant, 47, in his defense. “And this gentleman over here said she was just about to log out and would I like to look”

Global responses are coming in thick and fast.
Mrs Blanche DuBois, from Montreal, Quebec, claims in an intimate email to Biased Opinion, that her mother tongue is French, and that the official language in Quebec is French, not English. I'm afraid you'll find you're mistaken there Mrs DuBois. I know it for a fact because I have seen a documentary on television and the only place in the United States where French is spoken is in Louisiana. You must be in New Orleans you silly old coot. Learn some bloody english and you might find out where you live.

Exciting G8 summit news:
One small consolation for being dropped from Air Force One, figuratively speaking of course, is that Live Aid legend Bob Geldof has been given the cold shoulder as well. So we'll be taking the train to Glasgow together and I'll be asking him all about what it was really like in those heady days of 'Live Aid 85' when he got to shag Paula Yates. And I'll be asking him if she wore all that sexy stuff in the bedroom too.

è preparato per sanguinare, i miei compagni