So, a bunch of years ago
I am sitting in this bar
Called the Big O
In Eagle Rock
California
Drinking
Sitting
Smoking
Drinking
Just hanging out
At a bar
Group of folks sit next to me
Start gabbing amongst themselves
Rather loudly
That's all right
That's what bars are for
Soon enough
I catch on to the tone of
Their conversation
This was it:
"Oh, the glorious day is coming soon, my friends. Soon, very soon, our lord Jesus will come back to us and He will judge the wicked. They shall be struck down by his Sword of Vengeance and sent, screaming, to the Lake of Fire forever and ever. But He will also judge the righteous, those of us who love Him and lived as He wanted us to, and He will gather us to his bosom and He will take us to our rightful place, to our God in heaven.
Oh.
Friends, what a truly glorious day that will be!
The wicked judged and condemned.
The righteous saved and loved forever.
Oh.
Friends, what a day, indeed."
Or some such like.
Either way,
As the syllables poured forth
I could not help
But
Become bothered
By it
I mean
Bar talk
Is
Bar talk
But
Damn.
I am sure beers consumed had something to do with
The expression that was on my face as I eavesdropped
There at that bar in Eagle Rock, California
The Ones Who Were Saved
Looked my way
And asked
If there was something wrong with me
Why was I looking that way?
Was I bothered by what it was they
Were saying
(Hey, they asked….)
Yes.
Yes, there is.
This is it:
As far as I know, this Jesus, He was all right, He was a good man. Maybe He didn't like moneychangers so very much, but He was a good man. I seem to remember hearing about Him hang out with people that a lot of other people wanted nothing to do with. And a lot of those people would more likely than not, not fulfill the criteria that you all just laid out that one needs to possess in order to avoid being cut in half by this Sword of Vengeance that your Jesus will be wielding when He finally gets back here.
And while we're on the subject:
Where in holy hell did the "Prince of Peace" get His hands on a "Sword of Vengeance" with which to slice "sinners" in half?
What the hell is up with that?
The Ones Who Were Saved
Recoiled back in horror like a snake that was ready to strike, then leaned towards me in a group and with devilish smiles on their faces said this to me:
"Oh, wicked one, oh, you, you sir, you and your kind, the unbelievers. The ones who do not accept our Lord Jesus' message of peace and love, you, sir, will be the first to be rendered bloody and halved, to be cast screaming into the Lake of Fire to suffer forever and ever, and you will be cleaved and hurled by none other than the one you reject, our savior Jesus Christ, on the glorious day that He returns to our earth. Sir, your days are indeed numbered."
I, the condemned one, grinned back at my judges
And said:
Let me get this straight, ok? Let me ask you something.
As far as I know, having had these types of conversations before, when Jesus does come back to visit us here on this mortal coil, am I correct in understanding that He may not, this time around, come back looking like Ted Nugent in a bathrobe and sandals?
That He will return in a form that is somewhat anonymous, generic if you will, so that He may walk freely among us, gathering information to use in this Judgment that you all speak of so passionately.
Am I correct in this assumption that Jesus may look like any other human walking the earth and may show up at any time, without warning, with no advance notice whatsoever?
The Ones Who Were Saved
Leaned back on their bar stools with very smug, satisfied grins wrapping around their saved little faces and said, "Yes! Yes, my friend, you have finally said something correct. That is the Way It Will Be!
Praise Jesus!"
I, the condemned one, picked up my half-full glass of beer from the bar, looked them dead in the eye and said,
Bad news, bitches.
I'M Jesus Christ.
I'M back.
And YOU are all in big fucking trouble!
Then I drained what was left of my beer, put the empty glass back on the bar and walked the hell out of there.
Behind me, I could hear very shrill and worried voices all rising in a chorus of fear and disbelief.
As I walked to my car so I could drive my Holy Ass home, I turned and took one last look at the bar, in the direction of
The Ones Who (Previously) Were Saved
And
Said unto them:
God Bless You.
Motherfuckers.