I'm trying unbelievably hard to take one thing at a time, but I really feel like I'm drowning.
So much to do.
So much to potentially fuck up.
So much screaming for me to tend to it.
I have no idea how to equip myself to handle these things.
Quick sand, and I'm panicking.
I feel a countdown looming.
It's killing me.
I need some valium and a massage.
I need one good night's sleep without the dreams that have no reason to be back.
I need a reality check.
I need to get away for a while.
I need to get my shit straight.
I need to do it on my own, but I need someone to believe for me.
I need to feel like at least ONE thing isn't a bullshit charade leading me by the hand to the next.

 I have a lot of doubt (with reason) in my ability to execute simple tasks, and even more so, difficult ones.
However, it's really starting to seem as though this, the largest I've taken on, seriously- and maybe ever- is coming to fruition.
 
I really don't have a clue at this point as to who knows or doesn't, but I've been planning- loosely- for a few months now, to move to Orlando after my quickly approaching 21st birthday.
The idea was to go to Valencia, knab a yob at the hospital transporting(for decent wage and benefits), get a place downtown, grab my AA, and take a few other courses (humanities, french, photography, maybe some other things...) Point being to grow a pair and get out into the world, become accustomed to depending upon myself, schooling again, having to make new friends and be on my own- not to mention save as much cash as possible.
Because- I also don't know who does and doesn't know this- I want to try to volunteer abroad (at least once, but several times eventually) before applying to Sarah Lawrence's International Program in Paris. I'd be volunteering for at the very least three months, in who knows what country (extremely minimal contact with the outside world), and be in Paris for at least two years (I will undoubtedly be able to afford only the most minimal of visits home from Europe).
Yeah, I'll have to get my shit crazy together for even the move, and even more so to volunteer and gain acceptance/afford school.
I have to drive well enough to live to do this, get mean grades, make fat cash (I'm honestly considering suicide girls at this point of monetary desperation), research government grants like crazy, ect.
I keep going from feeling very determined to rather discouraged repeatedly, but the truth is...
I've got some wonderful people willing to help me.
I'm taking more driving classes, and even will practice driving up to Orlando to have lunch with Burg and my moms at Ian's place of yummy business, even planning to take a little self defense in case I have to fight a bum or crackhead. I'm making appointments for my GED testing, looking into vehicles, downloading rosetta stone, and practicing admissions essays crazy early.
Also, my mom unexpectedly burst into tears in the check out at Wal Mart while telling me how to pack groceries without smooshing them, because she truly believes I can and will go.
 
I've been told totally do it- more, I've been told to cut the shit and wait.
I hear 'we hope you choke', but I feel 'you can laugh a spineless laugh'
Some is just concern, some is people will miss me, some is who knows what.
But I look at the irrationally difficult road ahead for me, and at the comfortable, sensible routines of those around me...and am still, as ever, thinking "I'd still rather be me than you".
But it's simply time.
There are things I won't get past or started with if I continue to stew in this town/house/room/situation/cycle.
Obviously, there are many ways in which this will break my heart, but I have a feeling I'll be visiting often.
I have my family (mine and the luman's being the fam) to consider, and so many other people I love. Honestly, I'll probably see the majority of you more or as much as I do now. Not to mention how terribly I'll miss being close to the sea.
I'm just finally feeling realistic enough to let everyone know.
My birthday is May 17th, it won't be long after that I leave.
So now I won't feel terrible when I say something about it to someone I love, and realize there had been no precedent.
Also, all the little lurkin' gals that hate me because of whomever their boyfriend may be can relax...because I'll be gone- and on my way to super-gone.
 
I think it's miraculaous I've accepted a resonating inspiration that motivates me enough to do anything progressive. I think the change and challenge are necessary, and the timing imperative. I think it'll be good for me, and other people too. (Not like 'omgz, yr life would be better without me', but I think some distance will help a lot of problems heal rather than fester).
 
That being said, before I move, I'm missing a lot of shit-
gold shorts
gold skirt
black short sleeve hoodie w/ tacky rhinestone peace sign
yip yip glow in the dark tee
lost in translation dvd
aeroplane over the sea (my disc, not record)
'america; the ultimate deadbeat patriarchy' home made feed the homeless you fux t shirt
striped long sleeve button-side-collar shirt
tule tutu
much more, can't even think of it all, will edit if I do
but you know if you have my crap
just return it,
and I'll do the same with yours,
because...
it's nearly time to que the exit music,
before all hell breaks loose.

It's strange.
I have all these recurring nightmares or just random bad dreams.
Lately, in my sleep, I've been conquering my fears.
Making my way down scary high places instead of freezing up and filling with panic.
Grabbing the jaws of the gator chasing me and smooshing them together so it can't bite.
Venturing through creepy houses.
Having fun in big scary water.
Ignoring the ridiculousness and nursing the sadness in heart-hurt ones.
Driving off.
 
and when I'm awake, I feel tougher.
 
 
 
But why now? I've had some of these dreams for years, and in all that time they remained frightening, impenetrable...until the last several months.

thanks, alys and google
 
 

What would​ happe​n if you had a baby with the last perso​n you kisse​d?
Scoff! Depending on what counts as the last...
Either way a girl who is not me would probably try to steal or kill/eat the baby.


Do you know anyon​e named​ Joshu​a?​​
Enough to text the wrong one haha.

Is your hair curly​ or strai​ght?​​
Skraight, sometimes it waves a bit

Are you curre​ntly jealo​us?
No, I'm actually feeling fantastic.

What were you doing​ at 10 pm Frida​y night​?​​
Um. To be honest I have no idea. If that surprises you, you don't know me so well.

Have you ever had your heart​ broke​n?​​
Figuratively speaking. Scar's tissue tough, all that metaphorical b/s. Wouldn't change a thing, I'm better for the shit.

Have you ever broke​n someo​ne's heart​?​​
Yeah, well, so they say. I take it with a grain of salt.

Could​ you go the rest of your life witho​ut smoki​ng a cigar​ette?​​
After I quit I'd hope so. Now? Fuck no.

What do you prefe​r:​​ Pizza​ Hut or Domin​o’s?​​
Whatev, just not fucking papajohns...ew rubber cheese freaks!

Did anyon​e see you kiss the last perso​n you kisse​d?​​
No, of course not. always gotta be controversial.

Have you ever gotte​n a teddy​ bear from a girlf​riend​/..​​boyfr​iend?..​​
teddy bear? i really wanna say no. i don't think so.


Who have you texte​d the most in the last 24 hours​?​​
My friend Lauren in NY that none of you know.

Last time you walke​d furth​er than a block​?​​
Who knows, recently.

When was the last time you wante​d to punch​ someo​ne in their​ face?​​
lol. Recently. It's almost always my family.


What is wrong​ with you right​ now?
I'm not drinking enough damn water.


Who is the last perso​n that made you laugh​?​​
Probably Burg <3

Are you going​ throu​gh any type of pain at this exact​ momen​t?​​
Back...and the painful realization I'm clenching, which has earned me a heafty bill with that sadistic fuck, the dentist.

Do you belie​ve what goes aroun​d comes​ aroun​d?​
Ha. Ya know...sometimes I doubt, but then most other times...I really really do.


If your enemy​ came over,​​ would​ you let them in?
lol like fucking who? bill o'rielly?
If so...fuck no. I wouldn't piss/spit on him if he were on fire.

Is there​ someo​ne you don'​​t ever want to be out of your life?​​
Many!

Do you feel uncom​forta​ble.. aroun​d the oppos​ite sex? If so, why?
Only when they're creepy. Which is often.


Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Garage sale.

How's your mood?
Really good, just bummed I'm not blazed

How many pictures do you have saved on your computer?
Shit ton.

Do you think too much or too little?
Depends, entirely. Sometimes I over analyze things until I want to rip out my cerebral cortex. Others, I don't think at all.

Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff?
Hm. No. Damn. That is the first time I can ever remember feeling that way. I am so content with reality and past and present and future I just want to do stuff I like and have fun and enjoy my life with people.


Who sent you the last text on your mobile?
Laurennn Crowley

Which one of your friends lives closest to you?
Maybe, Goose...he and ian live about the same distance. Suz and Boof live pretty close, too.


Are you a beach person or snow perso​n?​​
Beach, but I'm sure I'd love snow. I always wish someone would just take a sponatneous roadtrip to snow one winter with me! Got close a couple times.

Do people ever spell your name wrong?
lol only for humor value, it's not exactly rocket science, what with three letters and all...

Would you rather​ have roommates or live alone?
Roomates can be suckish, but living alone is terrifying! Ghosts! Axe murderers! Aliens!


Someone just handed you $100,000, now what?
Oh shit. Car, uhaul, house, new record player I've been eyeing for a year, tats, school, volunteer abroad, veganism, elipticalbud out the ass, sweet new tumble track, allll the shit I couldn't afford before...aka now.

Is it easy for someone to make you smile?
Almost always, but it truly depends.

Do you think two people can last forever?
What, like, before you can't eat them anymore?
Sure. But, I also believe people will actually eat each other...which there is more proof of. That, and that if god's real he looks like FDR on the dime and wears a judges robe...so it's really all up in the air.
 
 
 
1. I love... being happy
2. Right now I want... a dooooob 
3. I feel like... I'm more aware than I ever have been.
4. I hate it when... I'm broke.
5. I fear... lots of gay shit.
6. I'm lonely without... psh. If there's anything I've mastered it's whatever makes one lonely.
7. I need... a little help to get where I'm heading.
8. Today I... did great.
9. Tomorrow I'm... going to do even better.
10. I just... can't believe how stoked I am Julliette Lewis is on My Name Is Earl!
11. I want to meet...more actually good people.
12. I'm hungry for... hm. Crab legs. always crab legs. haha. and fruit roll ups. I could always eat those.
13. I love it when...  something makes me sincerely laugh, unless it's all stranger in a strange land sad laugh.
14. I'm afraid of... same question?
15. I'm listening to... Jason Lee say my name :)
16. I'm wearing... Eighties running shorts, no undies, and a tank top that needs to be sewn badly...tough laundry day haha
17. I wish I was in... orlando! canoodling with i-han and burg <3
18. I'm craving... freedom from back pain
19. I want to get... idk, laid?
20. I can... -not stop laughing at ju-lew's awesomeness LOL
21. I can't... do sweet martial arts like that.
22. I have... cancer. jk. well, actually, maybe hahah
23. I haven't... felt this wonderful in ages.
24. I'm nervous to... DIY
25. My Mom thinks I'm... anorexic/retarded. hahaha
26. My Dad thinks I'm... alive?
28. I'm happy when...lots of things go down.
29. I'm sad when... lots of things go down.
30. I like eating... food?
31. I hate eating... spiders in my sleep?
32. I love watching... cool movies like yesterday!
33. I love listening to... kickass jamz?
34. I like playing... with gabby my ultimate play mate! <3
35. I hate waking up to... shitty assholes haha
36. I can see... clearly now the rain is gone?
37. I'm glad that... shit's not worse.
38. I'm disappointed that... you suck.
39. I look like... a blonde indian gypsy punk? fuck if i know, I'm wearing flourescent lime green and peach hahah
40. I wish I looked like...rose burne? she's smokin'!


1) Single, Taken, or Crushing.
Singular!

2) Are you happy with who you are?
So.

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
Eh.

4) Have you ever had your heart broken?
Sorta.

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?

NO, god.

6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?

No, but I'd ass rape them with a large, hot curling iron. Violently.

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person?
Few...budum-ch.

8) Do you want children?
If I do I'll adopt.

9) How many?
Howev.

10) Would you consider adoption?
Hellooo

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to let you know?

Please. Who cares? It's 2009. Either they're too pushy and creepy, or they're too cool and modern to make gestures.

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
Lawl, no, but I do not enjoy fuckin' around with people's bf's either.

13) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating?
I don't date it there's the game.

14) Do you believe love at first sight exists?

bs

15) Are you romantic?

who knows

16) Do you believe that you can change someone?
Yeah, but only so much.

17) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object, where would it be?

amazon on a boat by a bone-through-his-nose, half naked high priest

18) Do you have feelings for someone right now?

'feelings' lol

19) Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you couldn't?
Sorta.

20) Have you ever broken a heart?

Doubt it, though accusation have been made.

21) Would you ever fight somebody over your significant other?
Like, fight a girl for looking at my man?
No. lol


22)What would you say about your last ex?
Ha. Ummm. Hm. I hope his life turns out well?
 
 
 
 
Ugh, my tylenol pm's kickin' in
commence the sleepin'

we know I'm hardly organized, but I am truly missing a lot of objects/..articles. We all leave shit with each other- books, clothes.......glasses...ha. If you happen to have anything of mine (besides you, LC baby, we just talked last night <3), let me know; I'm rather bummed about losing this stuff.



Some of these items include:

-the gold shorts

-gold pencil skirt (made out of the same shit)

-glow in the dark yip yip shirt

-my home made "america; the ultimate deadbeat patriarchy" t shirt for this protest (it's like teal-ish, has the earth with the bro-sign around it but facing down- paint's green and white)





there's more, but I'm skied and tired

let a girl know

I don't think there's probably anything more cliche' I could say,
however-
I really have to give props for most of the best decisions I've made to the shits that dick me over the worst. And repeatedly.
I'm an idealistic forgiving moron as much as a cynic or misanthrope, and once or even several times (no matter, apparently, how horribly) is simply not enough.
So
for those who can't leave fucked enough alone,
thank you, thank you.
I forget the urgency with which I need to change things until you remind me why they can absolutely not stay the same.
Dead seriously.
No passive agressiveness or sarcasm...
I'm glad I manage to hang onto this childish naivity,
but
I'm equally as grateful for the grounding necessary to really learn and do the right shit for myself and the people that actually support me.
You help me map it out.
You make me better and tougher.
You make me love other people and options so much more.
 
and for my dead daddy whose birthday it now is, for having and passing on that gift and curse of eternal optimism. I knew you less than half as long as the rest of my family, and you're the only one that to this day has taught me what to cherish, rather than evade. I love you.

'you' is not one person, it's at least 4. So don't get yr knickers in a twist.
 
Never had such a thoroughly epiphanic feeling in my life.
The irony is always that every time it's some miniscule, infinitessimal, petty ass incident that makes me feel the big stuff.
There is not a god damned thing I can do to make you see, or care, or change.
Just like there's not a god damned reason for me to torture myself with guilt because you hurt yourself with your weakness and blame me for being hurt in turn.
You make your choices, and I have to make mine.
Even the wonderful people here that I love so fucking desperately and will miss to the point of pain aren't going to make things better for me in the way that only I can.
I'm done with sorries I almost never owe being the biggest part of my vocabulary.
I'm done listening to my child-subconsious ask "What awful thing have I done to deserve this treatment?"
I'm done mixing unreasonable self-sacrifice and self-disrespect with forgiveness.
I'm done with both being a doormat and trying fruitlessly to communicate and progress.
I'm gonna let it all slide without defense or anger or attempts at sensible situation-salvation; smile in your face and list plans in my head to leave this behind.
You may not be able to treat me like you love me, but I can start, because I do. I'm actually pretty fucking incredible when I bother to take a look at all of the easy outs I could've taken through all of the damage you've carelessly caused, but took the high road instead.
I don't need you to decide I'm worth a damn.
I don't need lazy, selfish love.
And unlike you, I don't need to hate or hurt you to feel better after what you've done. 
If you don't believe I deserve so much better, you don't care like you tell yourself you do.
I can so fucking easily have an amazing life in spite of you.
I just have to be
so
very
fuck it '09.
And so I say, in the words of the great Kimya Dawson...
You can go to hell,
I'm moving on.
AND in the words of the great Band Of Horses...
I'm better off,
and I like it that way.





Four months.


 p.s. say/feel/hear what you will about this person, but no one's ever been so successful at truly making it better; saying all the right things, and actually meaning them. I cannot hope to thank you enough, but I can hope to be able to repay this.

A lot of fucks have been makin' shit hard for me lately...but then there are these other fucks that say just what I need to hear, or turn up just when I need to see their faces, or tell me they love me, or make me laugh hysterically even if I'm ready to cry or murk somethin'. Big things, tiny things. It's a beautiful thing, I love love love you, thaaank you.

No sooner than the words, "Child, you're gonna poke your eye right outta your head", were uttered by yours truly to Gabby Baby came the realization that I'm not on the kid side of the spectrum any longer, no matter how much I didn't want to accept otherwise!

I get to vote in my first presidential election and the front runners are a black dude, a chick, and a republican who says he hates war. One of the other candidates was to have been my favorite political comedy show host, and now the black dude is the official democratic representative, as well as supposedly near a shoe-in.

Fuckin' radical.