It has been a while since I blogged anything! I keep meaning to, but just never seem to have the time. Today I had to make the time. My Godfather passed away yesterday. Very quick and sudden, just the way he would have wanted. His wife (my Godmother) passed away in August of last year, just about 6 months ago now. When she died, I blogged about rainbows and how there was one over her home when she passed away. Now that was August, and we often have rainbows durning the afternoon. One could argue that I was reading too much into it. Well, for the doubters among us, I offer you this. At 6:53 this morning when I went to leave my house, Robbie (the first one out the door for a change) said, "oh Mom, look, it's a rainbow". I got chills. And not from the blast of 16 degree air that he let in the house by holding open the front door! I took a picture. It did not come out that great, but I have the proof. He sent us a sign. I'm here, I'm ok, we are together! I totally belive this. While I may not be the most religious person (have not been to church in almost 5 years now) I am a spiritual person. Again, some may argue that it was just moisture in the air and the rays of the sun rising in the east hit the cloud in the right way. NO. It was a sign. I cannot ever remember seeing a rainbow in February before, never mind one at 6:53 am! Signs. They are all around us. Take notice.

It has been such a long time since I blogged! This morning as I sit here munching my shredded wheat in the quiet (hubby at work, kids still sleeping!), looking out at all of the freakin snow that fell this weekend (roughly 16 inches), I feel giddy. One more day, one more day, one more day....then Bush is out of office !  The last long eight years will be done, footnotes to history, and we can get back to rebuilding our country that him and his croonies broke. - time to party!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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Stand-Up Showdown 2009

Vote for Mike Birbiglia!

Such a sad week, Monday started with a funeral for Russ' cousins son ( a war veteren thanks to W) who died; and also Monday morning we found out one of Paul's classmates from high school died on Sunday. He went canoeing with his dad and drown. 17 years old. It hits home. I cried when I heard it on the news, not even knowing my son knew him. I cried for his mom, his dad who witnessed the tragic event. Just an accident. But are there any real accidents? So young, but needed in heaven. We sit here and try to make sense of it, but you can't. I remember when I turned 17, a classmate died on my birthday. He was buried a few days later, on his 17th birthday. Death of a classmate hits hard at 17. You are so young, so invincible. Your whole life ahead of you. It's hard to comprehend. I walked out of the house on Monday morning, leaves crunching under my shoes, the pinkish orange hue of the sun rising in the east, poking thru the clouds, the brisk fall air filling my lungs and my two sons walking with me to the car. I started to cry, I thanked God for being able to have both my children with me. I mourned for the mother who will never again be able to give one more hug, one more look at her son alive. I thanked God for letting me have that moment, for giving me two healthy kids, a husband who loves me and takes care of me. Its easy to blame God when something goes wrong, when you watched someone you love get taken so quickly from you, or even worse, to have to watch them suffer and wonder "why". It's also easy to say a quick "thank you" when you realize how good you have it. RIP Billy King, your impact on your classmates won't soon be forgotten.

Yesterday morning I got to meet a real Hollywood celebrity! I got to see in person (and shake his hand) Martin Sheen! I LOVE him! The main reason I love him so much is he reminds me of my Dad! They look alike (minus a few pounds lol) but it is mostly his eyes - the sparkle, I cannot explain it - it is like looking into my Dads eyes! I was a total geek of course, I was tongue tied - could not speak, I was shaking! Silly! He was in RI touring with Patrick Kennedy (my boy Pat!) and stumping for votes at the UPS center near my work. So I went over, sat in the parking lot till they showed up (I was the only one besides the media!) I got out of the car when I saw him - about 300 feet away from where I parked, my heart racing, I hung back from the "crowd" of mostly Kennedy "suits" and reporters. I finally stepped a few feet closer. He turned and saw me.....what happened then was so surreal....I never knew how short he was! I knew he reminded me of my Dad, but I was not prepared for being that close, how much he truly looked like him! He was about the same height as my Dad, his hair the same, that twinkle, omg. I could not speak, he moved past the report towards me, extending his hand..."Thanks for coming out today, nice to see you" He grabbed my hand and I felt like I was teleporting.......seriously, it was surreal! My voice froze in my thoat and all I could sqeek out was "Hi". My eyes misted up and he kind of looked at me like I should say something but I could not! He held my hand for about 15 seconds, then let Patrick know I was there, Patrick said HI, thanks for coming and I was like, OMG they turned to talk to the others (since I was obviously an idiot) I was shaking so much, I could hardly open my camera to take a picture, but I did. Then I turned to walk to my car, and then I realized that I had not gotten the picture! (I am a freakin idiot and did not hit save) so I have no proof, just that weird memory. I am going to put together a picture of my Dad and him side by side so you can see. that is my touch with famous!

I hate this day. It creeps up on me every year, but this year is worse. Its a Monday. Monday, August 25, 1986 is the day it happened. The day my Dad died. Woke up on Monday morning, getting ready for work.....bam.....gone. The phone call at 7 am, the rushed drive to the hospital, the long, long day. Everytime I looked at the clock today, I knew exactly what I was doing 22 years ago at that time. 10:30 am, calling work, I wont be in.........4:30 driving to my apartment with Russ, falling into bed and crying. The ache that you feel loosing a parent, the ache you do not know and cannot know until it happens to you. The ache that after 22 years you think would be less. But it is not......the day creeps up on you.....until you have to type it....until you hear it on the morning news......until you re-live it over and over. You forget some moments in between, life goes on, you are caught up at work, or home, then someone says August 25 and you look at the clock and think "I was doing this 22 years ago today right now..." and the ache hits you in the stomach again. You catch your breath, your eyes fill up, the sob escapes. But you gain control again, bite your lip, keep going. Half of my life gone by now without him, seems so unreal. The ache does not go away - so real after so long. I miss my Dad, especially today.

Well, it is over. My Godmother passed away yesterday afternoon. It was a long drawn out process and I am so releaved that it is over. Releaved for her and for her family. I know the feeling, have been there, done that. My cousin called me last night and said she passed away about quarter of 5. They gave her 6 months, she lasted almost 3 years to the day she found out she had cancer. My cousin told me that when they took her body out of the house, there was a double rainbow in the sky.

What is the rainbow connection and death, is it an express to heaven for the souls who have suffered the most? That would explain why Auntie had a double! A few days before my Dad died, I saw a huge rainbow, the biggiest I had ever seen. After that, I never liked rainbows. But after last night, I am re-thinking my dislike. I think they are God's way of sending the express - a short cut if you will - to no more pain. A promise of the beauty that awaits, the peacefulness of loosing yourself in the colors. I told my Aunt last week to have a safe journey, and say Hi to everyone up there for me. I like to think she did, cause this morning we had a beautiful sunrise, the first in a long time. No rain, no clouds, bright sunny blue skies. I slept soundly last night. I had not slept in two nights. Knowing the pain and agony both she and her family were going thru, it was eating at me. But I was in bed and asleep by 9:30 last night. No dreams, just a nice peaceful sleep. I will miss my Godmother, but I know she is at peace and she took the express to heaven.

I stopped by my Godmothers house today. Not so much to see her, I had said my goodbye earlier this week, but to check on my cousins and Uncle (been there, walked that mile - it sucks). I walked into something I knew was coming, but had not really been prepared for today. Today is the last day. I knew it the moment I walked in. You can feel the tension of the family, you can touch the sadness - it is palpable. My cousins wife was crying, she said "it is so bad". I had to tell her, "brace yourself - this is the easy part - the rest of this day is going to get so bad. This is just beginning. After having gone thru this with my Mom, I know how bad this day sucks. Part of you is so happy that they will no longer be suffering, part of you is so sad that the person you love is in such pain and there is nothing you can do. Watching them die a slow and painful death is the hardest thing ever. I spent only about 5 min. in the room with my Aunt. I told her I loved her, and to have a safe journey and let everyone up there know I said Hi. She nodded her head. Even in the midst of such sorrow and pain- I felt a giant hug. I will miss her, but her suffering is going to be over. I feel for my cousins and my Uncle - the hard part is just beginning now. Trying to go on, the moving on without her. I am just sitting here waiting, for that bad news phone call. God, I hope it is soon, for my Aunts sake. : (

I hate Blue Jays. Not the baseball team, the actual bird. While I think they are pretty to look out, the f*&^$ things are loud. Wake me up on a Sunday morning at 5 am loud. They are lucky I still cannot work the BB gun! Since Russell's heart attack, his hobby to "relax" him is feeding the birds. They are so cute usually! I love the little finches and the doves. But this "feeding the birds" has caused choas! First were the chipmunks, the holes all over the yard. We bought oil of peppermint and put them on cotton balls and threw them down the holes to drive them away. It worked. They made new holes. So they bought a BB gun (I say "they"cause I would not go into WalMart with Russ and the boys to buy it - I dont believe in guns in the home - this aint Texas) But now, those F'ing bluebirds are driving me to it, I feel the dark side calling, Thats what they get for waking me up on a Sunday at 5am.

I am sad today. My Godmother, my Dad's sister, is dying. She has pancreatic cancer. She came home from the hospital yesterday and Hospice is coming in. I know this death watch. I have lived it before. It sucks. You sit by helpless as you watch this once vibrant person you have loved your entire life wither away in front of you. You try to make them "comfortable", you give them high doses of drugs, so that when they look at you, they really don't, they look thru you. Anyone who has gone thru this knows that look. It tears at your soul. It makes you feel so empty, so alone. But there is some hope in this. It was 3 years ago this month she was diagnosed, given three to six months to live. But the day I found out that she had cancer, in my yard bloomed one single tiger lily. My Dad's favorite flower was the tiger lily. I have a huge patch of them in my yard. They usually die out by lat July. This last bloom occurred only once, this day, in late August. I had taken that flower to my Aunt and told her "this is a sign from my Dad, don't give up, keep living". Well, she did. She fought and has had another three years with her family and loved ones. I will be sad for a while. Even though I believe she is going to a better place, a happy place, a place where she will be with her parents again, and my Dad. This August 25 will be 22 years since my Dad passed away. It was on a Monday when it happened, and this year again the anniversary is on a Monday. These years are always the worst. I don't know why, but they hit me hard. This year is going to be even worse. It marks the 1/2 way. This year, will be 1/2 of my life my Dad has missed. I was 22 when he died and he has been gone 1/2 my life. It sucks. But hey, life goes on and I am going to be late for work now that I sat down to blog this. But .....whatever. Enjoy those last blooms as summer begins its fade in New England. I am on death watch today...... and feeling sad.