Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could help people live up to 10 years longer. Larry King has been taken this drug for the last 50 years.

Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could help people live up to 10 years longer. I’d better erase the internet cache so my mother-in-law and my wife don’t see this article.

Magic Johnson spoke at Michael Jackson’s funeral, reminding me of all the money I lost in the death pool.

30.9 million Americans watched the Michael Jackson memorial on TV. And you know there was disappointment when no riots broke out.

Investigators report that Michael Jackson had a mini hospital in his rented home…….to play doctor with the kids.

According to Nielsen more people watched Princess Diana’s funeral than Michael Jackson’s memorial. Immediately after hearing the news, Joe Jackson pounded Michael’s casket, screaming, we do it all over again…

According to Nielsen more people watched Princess Diana’s funeral than Michael Jackson’s memorial. Of course, Diana didn’t have Jermaine and Tito on stage.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly turned down a role in "The Hangover". Because she thought it was going to be a biographical movie.

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the meat processing company that bears his name, has died. It is not bologni….And today , to honor him, I’m pouring some mustard on the floor

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the meat processing company that bears his name, has died. I wonder if they are going to use the Wienermobile during the funeral procession.

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the meat processing company that bears his name, has died. Today I ‘m going to raise my wiener half mast to honor him.

A New Jersey man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate. Apparently he was working on a new deodorant commercial.

President Obama wants Brazil’s help to convince Iran to scrap its nuclear weapons program. And Argentina to help him destroy Republicans.

Manny Ramirez got ejected after dropping his bat, tossing his helmet and flinging his protective gear. I don’t want to justify him, but it was probably that time of the month.

During his speech, Al Sharpton told Michael Jackson's children there was nothing "strange" about their father. The kids looked at Reverend Al, and said in unison… Come on, Al!

All three of Michael Jackson’s kids were at their father’s memorial. You could see they were overwhelmed and somehow scared.. they have never seen a black person before.

President George W. Bush celebrated his 63rd birthday on Monday. Things have changed for him now that he’s out of office, the only thing he can blow now are candles.

President George W. Bush celebrated his 63rd birthday on Monday. He wants to be like his dad and skydive one day, but he is taking baby steps, so he started jumping from his approval ratings.

President Bush gave a speech on 4th of July and repeated the story of how embarrassing it is for him now to have to pick his dog’s poop. He has it easy, what about poor Barney that has to walk with him.

Political analysts believe that Sarah Palin should wait until 2016 to run for president. Unfortunately they are forgetting she’ll face her biggest challenge in 2016: Gravity… because when her ass and boobs fall, she’ll lose all her appeal.

17,000 people attended Michael Jackson’s memorial at the Staples Center. And to honor Michael, most of them were brainless, like Jackson inside the casket.

According to a survey, 89% of women say that when a guy smells good it, quote, "seals the deal" for her. That’s why before I go out I usually rub myself with a $100 dollar bill.

Leaders of the South Carolina Republican Party voted to censure Gov. Mark Sanford, reprimanding him for secretly leaving the state to visit his lover in Argentina. Republicans get mad when a scandal breaks up because they are forced to behave and spend a couple of weekends with their wives.

An oak tree planted in Nazi-occupied Poland during World War Two to mark Adolf Hitler's birthday may soon face the axe if the local mayor has her way. Unfortunately they want to use the wood to burn books and to heat an oven.

A guy was arrested for pruning his tree with a shotgun. You can’t blame him, since he left the White House, Cheney is getting bored.

According to a survey most Americans think it's worse to gamble, wear a fur coat, or be gay than it is to execute a human being. That’s ridiculous, I feel like killing those people.

During his speech at the Jackson’s memorial, Al Sharpton pointed out that Michael brought all the races together. Then he ruined it by saying that Michael became a pedophile only when he started turning White.

Before his performance at the Jackson’s memorial, Stevie Wonder said that this was a moment he wished he had not see come. And his wished was granted.

An Iowa man was seen driving his car with a "Palin 2012" poster on his windshield. These Democrats would do anything to win again.

Tennis player Simona Halep underwent breast reduction surgery. It was to avoid injuries, apparently her boobs were causing tennis elbows to a lot of fans.

According to researchers, at any given time, between 3% and 4% of all married people are having an affair. That’s why I tell my wife I hike at the Yosemite National Park instead of the Appalachians, it is too crowded there.

Facebook offered streaming video of the Michael Jackson’s memorial. They advertised it on their site or if you were under ten you probably got poked.

According to last year's Durex Sex Survey, half of Americans have sex at least once a week. The other half could not afford tickets to Argentina.

A study shows that insomniacs can use the internet to help them sleep more. They are supposed to go online and watch the Sarah Palin’s resignation speech.

An 80-year-old Croatian died from a heart attack while pulling off his pants to have sex with a prostitute. Unfortunately for the old man she didn’t give him CPR, you know, hookers don’t kiss.

Four thieves broke into a plant in Frankfurt, Germany, and stole 320,000 pills of the erectile dysfunction drug, Levitra. The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Four thieves broke into a plant in Frankfurt, Germany, and stole 320,000 pills of the erectile dysfunction drug, Levitra. The police is on the case and is following the trail of smiling women.

Did you hear that kids were not let in at the Staples Center for the Michael Jackson's funeral? Organizers wanted to give other people the chance to see Michael stiff....

A group representing "little people" asked the FCC to ban the word "midget" because they find it demeaning. So now Spice TV will have to call it Little People Bowling.

Low-cost airline Ryanair wants to offer discounts to passengers who buy seats that look like bar stools. First they will have to fight the pilots for those.

California officials are concerned with the cost of Michael Jackson’s memorial to the city of LA. Things are so bad, Arnold was spotted across the Staples Center selling Jackson’s t-shirts to raise money.

Mark Sanford’s wife quoted a passage from the bible when she suggested she might forgive her husband. Mark knows the bible well; he reads it every time he is killing time at the hotel waiting for his mistresses to come out of the bathroom.

Hollywood is very concerned with the number of celebrities that have died in the last two weeks. Oh my God, this year’s Oscar tribute is going to last forever.

According to a new poll, 3% of Americans think the media isn't covering Michael Jackson’s death enough. By 3% we mean, Sanford, Palin, and Ensign.

The Foo Fighters played for president Obama on 4th of July. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin played Lady Ga Ga… I mean she played a lady gaga when she gave the press conference to announce her resignation.

Obama is visiting Russia this week to pursue nuclear reaction and also to know if they have any clue of why Palin resigned.

Michael Jackson's fans can now attend his funeral by entering a draw. Complying with Michael’s request, kids under ten get free access and can sit on the casket.

Michael Jackson's memorial will be held at the Staples Center in L.A. Continuing with his plans to save California some money, today Arnold suggested also burying the Clippers.

Few people showed up to see Joe Biden when he visited a small town on the outskirts of Erie to talk about federal stimulus money that can be used to expand broadband access to the Internet for rural areas that typically have poor connections. Apparently, Biden sent the invitation via internet and some farmers are still downloading it.

Cortney Love said that she is planning to gain some weight. Apparently, she won’t have diet coke anymore, I mean her coke diet.

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus are expecting to open a show at The Staples Center a day after Michael Jackson’s memorial. If things work out for them, they might add a couple of clowns to the show, Al Sharpton and Joe Jackson.

Police in Nashville say that two women stole $1,000 worth of disposable razor blades from Walgreens. Apparently, the big moustaches they were spotting were not part of a disguise.

Sarah Palin resigned as a governor of Alaska. Nobody knows why yet, but please let it be that she is having an affair with an Argentinean woman.

During a press conference, Joe Jackson took time to promote his record label. So no only does he want to make money out of Michael Jackson’s death, but he also wants to take over Billy Mays’ career and become a pitchman.

After Michael Jackson’s death, the internet hasn’t stopped getting rumors of other celebrities’ deaths. So, I guess everybody in the show The Hills is safe.

During an interview with AP, Mark Sanford confessed he had had several affairs. His wife started to suspect something when he wasn’t getting fit even though he was going hiking almost every day.

It was revealed yesterday that Bubbles, Michael Jackson’s chimp, is alive. It is going to be a tough call for the judge now to decide if Bubbles could be better suited than Jackson’s parents to raise his kids.

Sarah Palin said that he can beat Obama in a race. Unfortunately, in 2008 it was a tag race and she was running with old McCain.

Another Airbus crashed this month. Maybe if we changed the name… I mean, buses are meant to be on the ground.

The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled Al Franken should be certified the winner of the state's Senate race. Apparently, they were getting too much pressure from people in Iran.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford said Tuesday that he had "crossed lines" with a handful of women other than his mistress, but never had sex with them, just a rusty trombone.

Michael Phelps had a birthday yesterday. He blew 24 candles and a huge bong.

The 5-year- girl that survived the plane crash in the Indian Ocean, turned out to be 14 years old. Wow! Those tough situations make grow fast!

A 14-year-old girl was the only survivor of a plane crash in the Indian Ocean. When they found her, the girl was so cold that she couldn't even grab the life buoy or twitter.

Gold’s Gym started a new "say no to cankles" ad campaign. Ironically, that is the same slogan Republicans are planning on using against Hillary in 2016.

A man from Pennsylvania was arrested for damaging a hotel elevator while he was trapped inside. He was charged only $500 after using the “I-can’t-stand-Kenny-G” defense.

There's a type of rabbit named after Hugh Hefner, and it's almost extinct. Because like Hugh Hefner, that rabbit is around bunnies, but can’t have sex anymore.

Dentists say a failure to brush and floss is bad for your long-term memory. Maybe that’s why the British act so pompous among us, forgetting we kicked their ass in the war.

A couple of guys from the UK have invented a clock which literally runs on dead bugs. Obama already installed one in the White House and feeds it flies all the time.

Michael Jackson's mother Katherine has been granted temporary guardianship of his kids. And today Joe bought a new set of belts.

According to a recent study, one in four people can't spell the word "February". The other three are subscribed to Playboy.

Michael jackson's mother Katherine was granted temporary custody of Michael's three children . Expect a new reality show: Joe & Kate plus 7… Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon and the three new ones.

Pitchman Billy Mays didn’t die from a head trauma. Apparently it was just intoxication from the fumes of so much “Just for Men”

Abigail Breslin, the little girl from “Little Miss Sunshine”, had her allowance raised from $1 to $13 per week. Already $2 higher than Billy Ray Cyrus’.

President Obama was interrupted by a ringtone with the sound of a duck during a speech. How lucky this person was Dick Cheney was not there or he would have shot his ass.

The annual BET Awards aired Sunday. It was mostly a tribute to Michael Jackson, and during the commercials a tribute to Billy Mays.

A 5-year-old boy was the only survivor of a plane crash off the coast of the island nation of Comoros. Apparently the kid was going to do anything he could to avoid Michael Jackson.

Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now Billy Mays died. Gee I didn’t know we needed some many celebrities dying to finally stop talking about Jon & Kate.

A Connecticut minister tried to exorcise "gay demons" from a teenage boy. Apparently, instead of a bible and blessed water, the minister used the sports section of the paper and old spice.

According to a recent survey, two in three Americans say there's more loneliness in today's society. The other one didn’t want to answer and asked the pollster to leave him alone.

It was proven this week that death comes in threes: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Mark Sanford's political career.

The media reported that paramedics tried for almost one hour to resuscitate Michael Jackson. Maybe if they had used an 8-year-old to give him mouth to mouth he would have woken up right away.

The media reported that paramedics tried for almost one hour to resuscitate Michael Jackson. Actually, it was a couple of minutes; they used the rest of the time to try to stick the nose back after they unglued it giving him mouth to mouth.

After the attempts to revive Michael Jackson failed, he was driven off in his own NAMBulance.

For the first time, an image of a memory being made at the cellular level has been captured by scientists. It is an incredible, tiny picture because it is from the memory of a Republican.

Authorities said a man using the drive-through at a Tallahassee bank deposited $200 and a small bag containing marijuana and cocaine. He’s a smart man; he doesn’t want to blow his savings.

Billy Mays, TV salesman, died Sunday. But if you call right now, God is willing to throw in, the Sham Wow guy and a bunch of hosts of QVC.

Billy Mays, TV salesman, died Sunday. Apparently his heart went “Kaboom”.

According to a recent survey, four in five Americans think it's easier to stay in touch with family. But just because of the recession… they are forced to live in the same house.

The annual BET Awards aired Sunday. It was mostly a tribute to Michael Jackson, and during the commercials a tribute to Billy Mays.

A former John Edwards aide says the ex-senator and his former mistress, Rielle Hunter, once made a sex tape. It is nothing exciting, Edwards stops having sex every two seconds to ask for a make-up and hair artists.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went back to work on Friday. He’ll do anything he can to avoid being at home with his wife.

The House of Representatives on Friday paid tribute to Michael Jackson. They had a moment of silence and some of the pages poured Jesus juice on the floor.

Officials for the Chicago Public School system announce that starting this fall, they'll begin testing students for STD’s. Apparently, teachers were tired of getting the crabs.

Hey everybody, I got to share this, I just played with grammy award winner, Arturo Sandoval! he let me play a song with him, so I great way to finish the week. http://www.bobrivers.com/#v9850
(3 minutes in)

Not so many jokes but some, I promise tons for Monday. Have a great weekend. Pedro (share your love at pedrobartes@hotmail.com)

Nobody knows exactly who broke out the news of Michael Jackson's death. Some reporters speculate it was TMZ, others LA Times, but most reporters believe it was the South Carolina governor.

Sean Hannity said that because he once was a waiter and tended bars for years he always tips 100%, especially if the one waiting is Alan Colmes.

A North Carolina-based group celebrates today “Take Your Dog to Work Day.” Thank you, but I pass; I work in a Korean restaurant.

A North Carolina-based group celebrates today “Take Your Dog to Work Day.” My mother-in-law is going to be so thrilled to come to my office.

A new poll found half of the state's voters in South Carolina want the governor Mark Sanford to quit. The other half wants him to take a hike.

According to a new report by Press Ganey Associates, the average emergency room wait time is four hours and three minutes. And that just to see the receptionist.

Two of the possible Republican presidential candidates for 2012 admitted to having had affairs with women. And now both Republicans and Democrats are fantasizing about Sarah Palin running for the presidency.

Two of the possible Republican presidential candidates for 2012 admitted to having had affairs with women. It is getting difficult for the GOP. Apparently, the new qualifications for future candidates are: fiscally responsible, tough in foreign policies and spayed or neutered.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted he is having an affair with an Argentinean woman. It didn’t make the headlines in Argentina; they are used to Americans screwing them.

Barack Obama will throw out the first pitch at the Major League Baseball All-Star game in July. He’s been practicing a lot, he throws the ball, and Biden fetches it back…

According to the National Prison Rape Elimination Commission 60,000 inmates are raped in prison every year. I know that deep inside you’re hoping Bernie Madoff is one of them….

A Phoenix restaurant serves a four patty hamburger with 8,000 calories. The restaurant can sit a lot of customers or only two regulars.

A prostitute in Oklahoma traded sex for a box of Frito-Lay chips. And today Elliot Spitzer loaded his pockets with boxes of Frito-Lay chips, and started walking the streets of New York.

A prostitute in Oklahoma traded sex for a box of Frito-Lay chips. It was a cheap lay.

As part of his plea deal, Chris Brown will be picking up garbage for six months. Reality check when he finds some of his CD’s…

President Obama says he doesn't smoke in front of his kids. Apparently, he sees them once a year.

President Obama admitted during a press conference that he sneaks once in a while a cigarette. Now we know why he greets Michelle with the pound, so she doesn’t see her yellow nails.

Nevada senator John Ensign gave his GOP colleagues a two-minute apology for his affair. Apparently, an affair with a woman of legal age is more like a Democrat thing.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy says burkhas aren't welcomed in his country… unless Susan Boyle is on tour.

The federal government study on prison rape is out. And if you go to jail, the best advice is to buy the book and use it as a shield to cover your butt.

Police say a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of beer overturned in Vermont and closed a highway for several hours. And weirdly enough, police also reported of another truck with pretzels overturning in the same area.

Police say a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of beer overturned in Vermont and closed a highway for several hours. Actually, the truck was hauling 41,000 pounds, and they found the other 1000 when the driver took a leak.

Dick Cheney’s new book is expected to be published in Spring 2011, a few months after President George W. Bush's book comes out. Apparently, Cheney’s book will explain everything Bush wrote in his.

During a press conference, president Obama answered a question made by an Iranian still courageous enough to be communicating online. And yes, the president said “Boxers.”

Questions still remain unanswered about South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford vanishing for some days on Father’s day. Come on; he is not the first father to run away from an ugly tie and a pair of socks

South Carolina GOP Gov. Mark Sanford showed up after gone missing for 4 days. Apparently this year it was time to spend father’s day with the kids of all his mistresses.

South Carolina GOP Gov. Mark Sanford went missing for 4 days. Unfortunately for South Carolina, he is back.

Doctors say that Chaz Bono needs to lose weight before sexual reassignment surgery. So at least she can see it.

The federal government is spending $423,500 to find out why men don't like using condoms. It is expensive because they have to keep practicing and practicing with prostitutes.

Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to See the film "Up". Which he discovered wasn’t about his ratings.

A man in New Jersey impersonated a police officer using his "geek squad" badge to trick a hooker into having sex with him for free. She suspected something was wrong when the guy tried to make love to her with the pants on and pointing at her boobies.

An estimated 27 million people worldwide still live as slaves. Weird, I thought there were more married guys.

Researchers from Tohoku University in Japan have found that chubby people live longer than skinny people. Especially if they fall on top of them.

The woman whom John Edwards had an affair is shopping a tell-all book proposal dishing about the sex scandal. Apparently she needs the money to get Edwards a present for father’s day.

Megan Fox apologized to a kid she ignored last week. The kid is willing to accept the apology as long as she flashes him.

Britney Spears might be part of a movie in which she creates a time machine and travels back… to a time when she was hotter and mentally sane.

An airline company has launched the world's first pets-only flights dedicated to animal-friendly travel. And today Cat Stevens, Snoop Doggy Dog and Dog the Bounty Hunter booked already a flight.