A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Immediately after that, the baby said his first words: “We did it for the show!”

A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Apparently, the new problem now is that every time a kid goes missing police looks up in the sky for a balloon.

President Obama hosted an event at the White House this week celebrating classical music. Unfortunately, the orchestra picked up the mood at the White House and played a requiem.

President Obama said during a speech that one day Malia got a 73 on her science test, but after he and Michelle sat down with her to talk about it, she improved and brought a 95 in the test. So if Michelle and Obama are so good, why don’t they sit down and have a chat with the members of congress.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; it happens very often after getting married.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; a lot of people are allergic to nuts.

There's a resort in Austria where you can swim in a pool of beer. And since it is light beer, you can also take a leak in the pool and nobody would notice the difference.

The Chinese government has approved construction of a Shanghai Disneyland. It’ll be quite similar to Disneyland in America; they only difference is that Goofy will be served in their restaurants.

A new study says that kissing may have developed as a way for a woman to build immunity from a virus called cytomegalovirus, which is present in saliva. In other news, Susan Boyle is suffering from cytomegalovirus.

A leaked copy of Palin’s victory speech had she won the 2009 elections surfaced this week. It reads: “nanana nanaaaana!”

Verne Troyer's, former girlfriend has gotten a temporary restraining order against him that prohibits him from being within 150 yards of her. And that in Verne’s measurements is like being in another state.

Lady Gaga says the ultimate accessory is a condom. And if you are going to go out with her, the second most important accessory is ear plugs.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned that Obama may answer NO.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned the population of California may turn out to be 2.

A Detroit UPS driver was fired for opening and refusing to deliver a package that contained four pounds of marijuana. No wonder the Detroit Lions didn’t do well in their last game.

A PGA golfer has tested positive for steroids. Authorities suspected there was something weird with him after he started using the golf club as a bat.

Today is the first anniversary of Obama’s presidency. It is weird; the only ones I saw celebrating last night were Republicans.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. He lost more than 40lbs… sorry; those are the points he lost in his approval ratings.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. It is nothing to be concerned; it was retouched by Ralph Lauren.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. Doctors suggested he should stop having lunch with Oprah.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. And today Republicans say that this is clear evidence he wasn’t born in this country.

Two terrorists in northern India were killed by a bear when they hid in its cave. And today Obama deployed Yogi Bear and Smokey the bear to Afghanistan.

New Zealand mayor provoked outrage by suggesting that government should pay 'problem parents' not to have children. If that includes Octomom and Jon & Kate, I’m willing to cheap in…

A man in Colorado stabbed himself just so he wouldn't have to go to work at blockbuster. I hope it catches on and the guy that recommended me “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” at my neighborhood Blockbuster does the same.

A Minneapolis woman will give birth to her first baby live on the internet. I have AOL. My connection is so slow, by the time I’m done with the delivery, the baby is going to be 5 years old.

A giant crack in Africa will create a new ocean. And today a confused Amy Winehouse bought tickets to Africa.

According to a recent study, almost 700 million people worldwide would move to another country. Still none of them is willing to go to Detroit.

Usain Bolt, the world's fastest man, adopted the world's fastest cat, a cheetah, as part of a conservation effort. And also as a training tool, as every morning he marinates his body and lets the cheetah chase him.

A man in England claims that he is allergic to his wife and breaks out in a rash whenever he goes near her. The disease is known in the medical arena as Clintonitis.

NASA will expose monkeys to daily radiation in order to better understand the effects of long space trips on humans. I can’t wait to see them throwing glowing poo at each other.

Virgin Atlantic launched an iPhone application to help people with fear of flying. It is called I-drink.

During an interview, Rhianna said that after she was assaulted by Chris Brown, she went to sleep as Rhianna and woke up as Britney Spears. Apparently, the beating affected her vocal chords.

Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men. Don’t feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone like President Bush.

The official that decided to kick off the 2-year-old kid of a Southwest Airline might be disciplined by the company. Apparently, they are mad at him because he didn’t see the business opportunity to charge more for tickets located far away from the kid.

Kate Gosselin was ticketed for going 70 miles an hour in a 55-mile-an-hour zone. Apparently, she was speeding because she doesn’t want to miss the last seconds of her 15 minutes of fame.

Everybody is surprised because an American man won the New York City Marathon on Sunday. They shouldn’t be surprised; it is a clear sign that we’re becoming a third world country.

Mattel is coming out with a new gay Ken doll. How disappointed and bored is he going to be when he finds out that the original Ken doll doesn’t have anything under his clothes.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. “Woosy… he didn’t even bite it,” said Ozzy.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. And now PETA wants him charged with assault and BATtery.

NBA player Manu Ginobili had to be vaccinated for rabies. No, it wasn’t because he caught a bat during a game. Apparently, he shook hands with Lou Dobbs.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. And also because you know how difficult is it to find food tasters every single day?

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. How ironic, the way he is running the country is making a lot of people skip several meals too.

The ABC affiliate in Washington is airing a special about breast self-exams during the fall "sweeps" period. It works for Fox News; they get huge ratings showing big boobs like Hannity and Glen Beck…

The U.S. dropped from sixth to ninth on this year's list of the most prosperous countries in the world. Things are not likely to change because when experts at the White House were asked about the drop, they giggled and said “Ha, from Six to Nine!!”

A company that is opening the first hotel in space says they already rented their first room for 2012. The room cost $4.4 million, but Republicans are willing to spend anything to hide Sarah Palin on Election Day.

The FAA has revoked the licenses of the pilots of the Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the Minneapolis Airport. They are not worried; they know they are going to make lots of money as cab drivers.

A 2 year-old kid was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight before takeoff on Saturday because he was being too loud and cranky. Apparently, the airline was concerned the screams were gonna wake up the pilots.

Due to Fall Back, we turned the clock back one hour in the United States. So, technically, that means Conan O Brian took once again Leno’s spot.

On Sunday we gained one hour because of Fall Back. That’s relative, because I’m a Philly fan and I wasted the extra hour watching the 4th game of the series.

On Sunday we gained one hour because of Fall Back. Unfortunately, after Obama’s taxes, you’re lucky if you still have 10 minutes left.

Former US President Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a statue of himself in Kosovo's capital Pristina. Now they just need to find a couple of chubby chicks to help get it erected…

During the unveiling of a statue of himself in Kosovo's capital Pristina, Bill Clinton thanked everybody and said that Hillary asked for a picture of him next to the statue. Of course, Hillary wants evidence that he was really in Kosovo and not at a strip joint somewhere in the world.

2,000 kids went trick or treating to the White House for Halloween. The kids were not happy; Obama forced them to leave 50% of the candies they had collected before they arrived.

“This Is It", the documentary about Michael Jackson, pulled in $101 million worldwide in its first five days. And today, Tito, Jermaine, and Joe Jackson announced a sequel called “This time I promise, this is really it!"”

The woman that wanted to trade sex for tickets to the World Series attended a game without having to have any sexual activity. Well, kind of, because she saw the entire game sitting on the flag pole at the stadium.

The woman that wanted to trade sex for tickets to the World Series is still catching some slack. Why? What do you think Kate Hudson has to do with A-Rod to get the tickets she gets for every game?

Joe Jackson said that Michael Jackson is “worth more dead than he was alive”. He would probably make the same amount of money dead or alive, but being dead prevents him from wasting any money on settlements.

A Zoo in the Gaza strip painted stripes on two donkeys to make them look like zebras because it is cheaper than getting real ones. They didn’t say anything, but apparently the giraffe is also two donkeys on top of each other.

A Zoo in the Gaza strip painted stripes on two donkeys to make them look like zebras because it is cheaper than getting real ones. Donkeys are good at transforming into other animals… Look at Lieberman; a donkey doing a great job acting like an elephant.

According to a new exhibition, an Indian doctor working in 600 B.C. might have been the world's first plastic surgeon. And his first patient? Joan Rivers.

An Indian man is suing the company Axe after he failed to land a single girlfriend during seven years of using their products. This is not the first time the company has been sued; there have been several fat women that bought the “chocolate” deodorant hoping their partners would turn into a Hershey bar.

The FAA has revoked the licenses of the pilots of the Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the Minneapolis Airport. They are not worried; they know they are going to make lots of money as cab drivers.

Boeing has chosen South Carolina as the location for its new factory to make the 787 jet. Mark Sandford already promised to test the first plane on a trip to Argentina.

Chaz Bono gave an interview to talk about her gender reassignment surgery. She turned 40 and just got a penis. It doesn’t make any sense to get a penis when you are 40, just when you are not going to use it that often anymore?

Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men. Don’t feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone like President Bush.

President Obama's former campaign manager reveals in a new memoir that he believes Bill Clinton ruined Hillary's chances of becoming vice president, making it the first time in years that Bill screwed Hillary.

Today is Halloween; actually, for Republicans it was yesterday; what a scare they got when they saw the new health care reform bill!

Today is Halloween. If you don’t have money for a costume for your kids, just make them go trick or treating and sneezing on people as if they had swine flu.

Today is Halloween. I saw Obama’s daughters going around the White House asking for candies and dressed up as Fox news reporters.

Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley were spotted at a pub in Cambridge Wednesday night. And today, Fox News started reporting that president Obama turned them into alcoholics.

Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley were spotted at a pub in Cambridge Wednesday night. Apparently, they are planning to organize a beer Summit between Obama and Fox News.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. That’s great, now every time I spot a woman wearing one of those, I am going to pretend there’s a gas leak.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. Better be ready, because I’m going to start faking I got the swine flu all the time.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. Unfortunately, Nicole Richie’s bra looks more like a clown nose than a face mask.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. So, with Dolly Parton’s bra we can protect an entire football team.

Southwest Airlines announced one-way travel as low as $25 for travel up to 375 miles. But just like any cab driver, they‘ll do what pilots of the Northwest airlines did and keep you on the air for a while so you’ll have to pay more.

According to a recent survey conducted through the Intel Corporation, parents are more comfortable talking with their kids about drugs than about science and math. Apparently, the survey was conducted at a Phish concert.

According to a recent survey conducted through the Intel Corporation, parents are more comfortable talking with their kids about drugs than about science and math. You know how difficult it is to explain to kids the conversion from grams to ounces?

The House health care bill unveiled Thursday clocks in at 1,990 pages and about 400,000 words. It’d better offer a good plan for the optometrist.

There’s an online test that can determine if you're a racist by showing you photos of people of different races, and asks you to assign values, either positive or negative. Be careful… Lou Dobbs already punched and broke 5 computers while taking the test.

The chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts said President Obama "is the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar." Does it mean we are on our way to be like the Roman Empire and collapse?

The website X-17 Online says that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up and Lindsay now has been seen with a man. Don’t get all happy that she is going straight, guys; the guy was Adam Lambert.

Former President Bush will speak at a seminar called "Get Motivated" in Texas. Bush is extremely qualified… after all, he motivated most of America to vote for Obama.

Former President Bush will speak at a seminar called "Get Motivated" in Texas. The event only charges $19 per office. But they still make a lot of money because they charge $10,000 if you don’t want to hear Bush.

A plane bound for Heathrow had to be grounded at JFK airport, New York, on Sunday after a mouse was spotted in the cabin before take-off. Where are those mother effing snakes when you need them the most?

A plane bound for Heathrow had to be grounded at JFK airport, New York, on Sunday after a mouse was spotted in the cabin before take-off. After the second take-off, passengers were suspiciously rewarded for the wait with a surprise meal.

An Internet rumor that Kanye West had died in a car accident turned out to be a hoax. Sorry Kanye, I don’t want to interrupt, but balloon boy hoax was way better.

An Internet rumor that Kanye West had died in a car accident turned out to be a hoax… forcing thousands of parties all over the country to be cancelled.

Madonna says she hates walking into a place and hearing them play one of her old songs. Easy then, stop visiting retiring homes and you’ll be fine.

According to a new report, using Google may help prevent memory loss among older people. Apparently, when they search for porn, they start remembering what is that they have between their legs.

A square, 32.0-carat-emerald-cut diamond sold for $7.7 million at auction on Wednesday. This cheating is costing Kobe a fortune.

A Colorado newspaper is looking to hire a critic to write reviews of the state's medical marijuana clinics. It makes sense because only high would anyone work for a newspaper nowadays.

According to a leading NASA scientist the Mayan idea that the world is going to end in 2012 is just a myth. Because if Mayans could see that far away in the future why didn’t they ran away before the Spaniards arrive?

Authorities in Texas say 3,000 pounds of marijuana were found stuffed inside cases of melons an 18-wheeler was carrying. I knew those new Amy Winehouse’s breast implants looked weird.

Kirstie Alley has landed a new TV show. Apparently, she’ll play the role of the balloon when the Henne family gets their own reality TV show.

A Massachusetts company unveiled a car that changes to a plane in less than 30 seconds. Unfortunately, it changes to a JetBlue plane, so you get stuck without moving for hours.

A team of scientists from Italy and Sweden has developed what is believed to be the first artificial hand that has feeling. Maybe we can force politicians to implant one so they feel something when they put their hands in our pockets.

Researchers at Yale University predict that women in the future will be shorter and plumper. Wow, I always thought my wife was ahead of her time.

Researchers at Yale University predict that women in the future will be shorter and plumper. Bill Clinton is hoping to live to be a hundred and fifty.

Researchers found that surfing the Internet just might be a way to preserve your mental skills as you age. Apparently, finding ways to hide the porn from your wife makes your mind sharp.

Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield were reunited during the Oprah show. It was really emotional, especially at the end when Oprah told Evander Holyfield and the entire audience “You got an ear, and you got an ear, and you got an ear…”

The Pentagon’s personnel chief said Tuesday the military has completed its best recruiting year since 1973. It couldn’t come at a better time now that Obama is going to war with Fox News.

Homeland Security made plans Friday to use facial recognition technology at big sporting events… in case Rush Limbaugh decides to attend one…

A radio show in Somalia offered guns and grenades as prizes. The radio show is quite popular among high school students in America.

A radio show in Somalia offered guns and grenades as prizes. I guess they know their “target” audience.

A radio show in Somalia offered guns and grenades as prizes. It was a pirate radio.

The upcoming issue of "Details" magazine has a photo spread of Adam Lambert making out with a nude female model. That’s definitely going to infuriate Ryan Seacrest; he would have done anything to take the model’s place.

The Miss USA pageant organization is suing former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, for the cost of her breast augmentation. Enough with the balloons stories!

The Miss USA pageant organization is suing former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, for the cost of her breast augmentation. Carrie Prejean won’t have any problem coming up with the money; she probably expects to collect money from everybody that used them.

David Hasselhoff is in talks to do a reality show on A&E. Judging by his latest problems, it’ll probably be Intervention or Celebrity Rehab…

A sperm bank in California is collecting sperm from celebrity look-alikes so recipients can make their kids look like any star they want. So if you are a moron, you have chances to sell your sperm because you can probably pass as balloon boy’s father.

Susan Boyle was rushed to a hospital in Scotland after suffering from stomach pains. She was clear when she told the hotel employees, “No mirrors, please, or I’ll get sick.”

Balloon boy’s father confessed Sunday it was all a hoax to land a reality TV show. Lucky son of a gun; he got one... he'll be on Cops!

It was revealed yesterday that the parents of balloon boy met in a Hollywood acting school. At least they are going to have some help to pay the bond when they demand the money back from those classes.

The family of Falcon, the balloon boy, had already been part of a TV show called Wife Swap. The kid hid for hours, farted and puked on national TV; I think the family would have done better in the TV show Supernanny.

Falcon, the balloon boy, ratted his dad out on National TV when he said “We did this for the show” I think every politician should be forced to have a Falcon next to him. “We didn’t know they didn’t have WMD…” Falcon: “we did this for the show…”

The father of balloon boy told reporters that were gathering outside his house to leave questions in a cardboard box on the front doorstep. Imagine the surprise of the reporters when they opened the box and balloon boy was hiding inside.

TARGET is catching some slack for selling an illegal alien costume for Halloween. The outfit is so realistic; Wal-Mart has already hired 20 people that were trying it out.

TARGET is selling an illegal alien costume for Halloween. It is a rip-off; you can rent a real illegal for half the price.

President Obama proposed giving seniors a check for two hundred fifty dollars… so they can have a great last meal before the death panels arrive!

A woman left with a 10-minute memory after a series of medical mistakes has won $7 million in a compensation package. And 11 minutes later the husband congratulated her for winning $1 million.

A woman left with a 10-minute memory after a series of medical mistakes has won $7 million in a compensation package. Unfortunately for the woman, doctors told her they had already paid her 11 minutes ago.

A study says that driving convertible cars is bad for a person's hearing. Awesome, so all those old guys who feel cool driving convertible won’t hear young girls mocking them.

A study says that poor vision can be tied to a shorter lifespan, especially if you drive without your glasses.

A Ford Motor Co. employee has been charged with stealing its trade secrets for the Chinese. And now China knows how NOT to do cars.

The Mexican capital is putting 1,300 police officers on a diet. So now you know, next time you get in trouble in Mexico, the easiest way to bribe them is with food.

A woman in England has been diagnosed with one of Britain's loudest snores after being found to make more noise than a jet aircraft during her sleep. We tried to talk to her husband but unfortunately we didn’t have anybody to interpret sign language in our staff.

Anheuser-Busch was the exclusive advertiser during SNL on Saturday to promote a new beer. They sold tons, because only drunk you can able to put up with this season of SNL.

Things continue to deflate for the balloon boy’s father. Colorado police may charge the family for perpetrating a hoax. And now Pixar wants to sue them for copyright infringement for stealing the idea from the movie UP.

The mayor of Moscow promised a winter without snow this year. He is going to get lambasted by Fox News for believing in global warming

The mayor of Moscow will use the Air Force and some chemical elements to have a winter without snow in Moscow. Russians say it’ll be interesting to see Santa in Speedos this year.

An all-male college in Atlanta, Georgia, is cracking down on cross-dressing students. Good luck next year trying to get donations from Eddie Murphy.

The story of the kid flying in a balloon that captivated the media yesterday seems to have been prepared by the parents to gain some media attention. Most channels felt betrayed, except TLC that found a replacement for Jon& Kate plus 8.

During an interview with Wolf Blitzer, the kid involved in the balloon hoax confessed that they did it all for the show and then accidentally farted. Ironically, after the kid’s confession and fart, the one that messed his pants was the father.

The news yesterday was dominated by stories involving balloons: This kid supposed to be flying in a balloon and Meghan McCain’s picture on twitter.

The parents of the balloon kid say he was hiding in the garage and they looked for the kid everywhere but couldn’t find him. And today Homeland Security contacted the kid to see if he can give them some tips on where Bin Laden could be hiding.

According to a recent survey, 36% of people under 35 admit to texting or Tweeting right after sex, probably to tell their wives that the meeting at work that was running late has just finished.

A new study finds that older people who work past retirement have better physical and mental health. No wonder Brett Favre is having such a stellar season.

Calvin Klein has a new pair of jeans out that make a guy's bulge look bigger. Wow that’s great news for Cher’s daughter Chad!

Calvin Klein has a new pair of jeans out that make a guy's bulge look bigger. They are called Worldwide pants!

Actor Roger Moore, who played James Bond, turned 82 this week. Apparently, he now likes his Metamucil shaken not stirred.

A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Apparently, he doesn’t want kids out there that might be like the president of the US!

Almost 25,000 visitors are expected to visit the White House gardens this weekend. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to see the garden hoes because they were removed after the Clinton administration.

According to a survey, the average man cries between six and 17 times a year. Or whenever his wife forces him to watch The View.