I've neglected MySpace for quite sometime, and would like to apologize.  I will be updating you all very soon, whether you like it or not.

Sales of Pokey in the U.S. are approaching the 100,000 mark.  Pretty amazing considering how difficult it was to find a publisher, and the present publisher didn't expect it to sell more than 10K over its lifetime.  Never underestimate the power of the penis.  Not that I don't think that vaginas have more power - they do, but they're just not as outgoing as the penis.

Anyways, I will hopefully get back on this horse we call MySpace, and resume my duties as proprietor and sponsor of this wonderful site.

"Do ya Pokey?"

Mr. Happy!

It's been an interesting few weeks for Penis Pokey.  Last Wednesday I was interviewed by Kevin and Cort on the Playboy Morning Radio Show.  We gave away a half-dozen books and had a great time.  They were not only very funny, but very gracious, as was the entire crew for the show.  A fantastic morning.

Yesterday I received news of Penis Pokey getting celebrity attention.  It seems that 70 copies of the book were included in the gift bags for the attendees at Tori Spelling's baby shower:

http://www.eonline.com/gossip/planetgossip/blog/index.jsp?uuid=9ca4021a-e063-40ad-808c-488371353ef9  

In addition, in the middle of February, Paris Hilton's birthday bash will involve fifty copies of Penis Pokey, and hopefully lots of alcohol – a nice combination for a successful marketing campaign for Penis Pokey!

Many thanks to Melissa and Lorena at The Silver Spoon – they put together the gift bags for high-profile celebrity events, and seem to have taken a liking to my little book.  Thanks you guys, you're the best!

But, I have to say, the most interesting piece of news regarding the book, came in the form of a fan's e-mail.  Instead of trying to explain it, I'm just going to cut and paste the original correspondence, minus the vitals:

Mr. Behrens,

I just wanted to tell you that I'm a big fan of Penis Pokey.  My wife bought it for me as a gag for Christmas, and while I thought it funny right off the bat, I didn't realize what it would bring to my fairly vanilla sex life.  Not to beat around the bush, my wife doesn't like to give head.  At least she didn't used to.  Later Christmas night, as I was watching TV in the living room she asked me why I didn't like the book?  "What book?"  "Penis Pokey".  "I think it's great".  Then why haven't you demonstrated it for me?  Woah.  She's got a look in her eyes that I haven't seen in years.  "Try this one" she says, as she opens it to the back, to the picture of the he-man.  I was a little embarrassed, but I wanted to see how far this might go.  Remember, she doesn't give blow jobs, maybe three times in ten years, and never finishing.  Holy crap!  She was on my like a large mouth bass on a wooly bugger.  Her eyes open wide, kneeling on the floor in front of me, reducing me to a quivering spent mass on the floor, sarcastically wiping her mouth in accomplishment.  This continued for the next few weeks.  I didn't understand, but didn't care.  She used to hate it.  She would turn off the lights and grudgingly do it every third birthday.  Now, I couldn't stop her.  I was actually getting a little sore, even a little bloody.  I know you have a disclaimer on the back of the book, but who's going to pass this up.  Well I figured it out.  My buddy was over last week.  Before I could stop him, he saw the book sitting out and went through it.  I tried to grab it to no avail.  He was howling with each turn of the page, until the last page.  He had a strange look on his face, looks up at me, says "Dude, what's up with this?"  He turns the book to face me.  The "your photo here" where the he-man's face is had a picture of David Hasselhoff pasted on.  Shit!  Now my buddy thinks I've got a thing for "Mr. Night Rider", and my wife gives me head, pretending I'm a muscular, extremely hung Mitch Buchannon from Baywatch.  I was pretty freaked out, ready to rip that picture out and shred the book.  I took the book from my friend, smiled, closed the book, and set it back on the coffee table.   Aww, fuck it, I'm getting head.

Thanks.

David XXXXXXXX

Thank you David!  I'm glad it has been working out for you, but your story compels me to reiterate the importance of the disclaimer:

WARNING . CAUTION. DISCLAIMER

This book is intended for novelty purpose only.  Do not put your penis though this hole or any other unknown holes.  Death, severe injury, or papercut may occur.

Please people, be wise.  Stay safe.

...January 31st at 6:20am. 

Yesiree Campers, I said 6:20am. 

I will be in-studio on the Playboy Morning Show with Kevin and Cort.  Which means I will dragging my ass out of bed and driving up to Glendale very early.

I am not a morning person.  Coupled with the fact that I have "foot in mouth" disease, should make for a very interesting show.

Perhaps you like watching traffic accidents, having your way with farm animals, or enjoy squishing small, defenseless bugs.  This could be real fun for you.  How much can the guy that wrote "Penis Pokey" embarass himself.  Actually, not much.  The bar ain't set real high.  Besides, you could win stuff - we'll be giving away copies of the book to listeners.

Anyways, the original airing will start at 6:20am PST, and will re-air three hours later (for those of you lucky bastards sleeping in).

Happy Poking!

Chris

We were on summer vacation at Whidbey Island in the Puget Sound.  I was eleven - one of my favorite years.  My parents had just divorced, Elvis passed away the week before, I still had no pubes, but for some reason it was one my fondest times.  Perhaps it was because I had just recently started to notice girls.

Anyways, I digress…

"Look, I'm a peacock!"

We look up to the open loft above.  My youngest brother Nicholas stands there in full glory.  He loved being naked at the age of four.  Stuck vertically in his butt crack were six Magic Markers of various colors.

Yep, he was a peacock.  And like a peacock, he was proud, strutting back and forth along the open rail in his nude pride. 

Looking back in time, he was glorious.

We were fully immersed in the board game Sorry!.  It was my mom's turn.  She was a serious gamer.

"David, go take those out please."  My mom says as if she's asking him to set the table for dinner.  David was my best friend and on vacation with us.  I don't know why he was selected for the duty, possibly because he would find it difficult to deny the request, unlike myself or my other brothers and sisters.

Nicholas loved everyone at that time, and was especially fond of David.  He ran around the loft, laughing at this new game of tag he had created.  David wasn't so thrilled.

Those unassigned to the task of Magic Marker removal rolled around on the floor in laughter as David plucked the pens from their precarious purchase.

It's no wonder I don't hear from David so much these days.

This is one of my fondest memories of my brother Nicholas.  So unconcerned with what others thought, so happy, so – creative.

Nicholas lost his outgoing zest of life for reasons he kept secret for years.

He grew up to become a wonderful human being.  Granted, he had his faults and idiosyncrasies, as we all do.  He wasn't perfect, but he was a magnificent spirit.  He worked at a youth shelter with troubled kids.  Even after gaining his Masters degree, his goal remained to continue working with disadvantaged and at-risk kids.

Life didn't deal him the best cards, but he did a damn good job with what he was given.  I will always admire him for that and continue to love him deeply.

Nicholas passed away a few years ago from a brain tumor at the age of thirty.

He's still a peacock in my mind – glorious and inspiring.