NOW I can always tell when we’ve been away too long , why? Because we start acting strangely……………

a.     Phil has started talking in an American accent?

b.     He has also started doing GREAT mimes, his one for a luggage trolley has to be seen to be believed! My other favourite is chicken, pharmacy and “where can I buy a large bag?”

c.      I get tired and Very Cranky and melancholy. I’m old what can I say?

d.     Phil now says he feels Hispanic?                                                                              

So we set off for Peru, good news at the airport? our later flight is delayed so we get bumped onto an earlier one and they don’t charge us for the excess baggage flyers posters banners props etc (which were costing a few hundred a trip) bad news…….. have to leg it through the airport arrive sweaty for our trip to mexico city then quickly to our connecter to Lima, 5 and a half hours later we land in Lima, very tired …….Strange here, we have a meeting group of fans, that hasn’t happened since the early 90’s japan I think , so I’m flattered sign a mass of stuff and then have loads of photos taken, very tired but it was really nice.

We set off on the bus and are presented with a rather ’heavy’ press schedule? Try and explain to our promoters that we don’t want to do any press other than for the gig, but it’s amazing how the language barrier can come down when you try and say no? So we resign ourselves to THE PRESS CONFERENCE ? Stream of interviews, TV appearances, Radio Interviews, Kissing babies, opening supermarkets etc that they are insisting we do,  get to hotel and there is more people with Records to sign and pictures ? god its like being a star again(if ever) ha ha , I’m sure they all think we're New Order! So nice hotel so sleep.

The morning arrives and so does the Press Conference, weird! There’s loads of journo’s , a big operation, bout 30 or so, starts and proceeds ok usual questions not too much about N.O. or the split so far so good , then it just gets going and they bring it to a close? WHAT? We’ve only done 15 minutes? I protest, my god we’ve gone to all this trouble may as well see it through! , so we carry on for an hour or so , it’s ok but when it finishes is when the work really begins pose for maybe a million photos and sign a million records, we must be very big in PERU!  We knock off and get ready to go out for the afternoon, every time I end up in the lobby it’s the same, loads of photos and loads of signing where are all these people coming from? I could run trips here for fading rock stars ‘get your mojo back!’ VISIT PERU!  We are taken round the city and it’s very 70’s, old cars etc huge police presence everywhere, huge dobermans riot police, water cannons too, Why? We’re told it’s because the people are very passionate? Humhh?  Strange place?  In the evening we are watching the promoters group play at another club, phil an I feel we should go out of respect. but I’m a bit worried about being inundated by people , they assure us we will be in a private area so ok , it is getting a bit much…….They pick us up at 9 and the gig is supposed to be at 10 , we’re knackered after three gigs  on the trot and want to be fresh for tomorrow, but we are driven around for an hour and we can’t figure out whats going on ? keep asking but that pesky language barrier makes an appearance again, eventually we end up on the Pacific Coast, which is lovely, very western a complete contrast to the other part of town , again loads of armed police tho, but we are tired Man!  Another hour?? And we’re still not there?  Fook me , but we leave eventually and go to the club, run the gauntlet, it’s hard to say no to these people? So then gig is late we can’t find out why? Turns out after another hour they are waiting for some gossip tv to interview us both? Both? I thought it was their gig, ah well gig finally starts and band are ok like a mellow Jesus and Mary Chain, but I’m being hassled all the way thru, more and more people are finding their way upstairs, try and explain we're watching the gig but no “YOU SIGN! PICTURE NOW!” oh stuff this I think, grab hold of our guy say “get the car now we’re off” 

“oh no “ he says “you must wait another hour”

Grab hold a little bit harder “get the car!”

“ok”

We escape after running another gauntlet, their even banging on the car windows as we drive off? Shit! Back at the hotel there are more people bleedin’ hell it’s getting scary, “my friends!” our guide says? Friends? Its 2 in the morning??  We run off to bed.  Next day I’m woken by the phone ringing, conversation goes ………”YOU PETER HOOK?”

‘Yeh who’s that?”

‘YOU COME DOWN SIGN MY CD!” in spanish accent of course…….

“You what?” Salford accent…………..

‘YOU COME DOWN NOW SIGN MY CD! NOW!” Spanish again….

‘OH FUCK OFF WILL YA!!”  very Salford!

jesus what a place, I put a block on my calls, wow they are pushy, Back to work, more photos and signing in the lobby then we drive, mad max style round the city, the taxis are tiny, like egg boxes but are driven by MADMEN! Phil was nearly hit three times in Mexico these guys make them look polite! one very surreal tv interview followed by an even more surreal radio interview, we break for lunch, and we take our guide and our interpreter to a local restaurant called Ca Mar which is wonderful, recommended by a Mexican in Guadalajara funnily enough? NOW IF WE HAD FINISHED HERE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT UNFORTUNATELY……..

Back to hotel more signing/photos in lobby ? how many friends has this bastard got?? Then an hour later we are picked up for a signing? More photos signing in lobby first then mad max style drive to the club, we were puzzled by this, couldn’t get a straight answer out of them what it was for etc..but we went along with it , it’s supposed to be an hour? Turns out they are charging entrance, the club is open the people are drinking and staring at us, I sign a thousand things, a thousand pictures?? No wonder Britney is mad if this is what its like?? That finished we are now supposed to be having a Japanese in a local restaurant who are sponsoring the gig, phil and I politely explain we’ve done enough and want to go back to the hotel, we are tired but we are told we cannot? Must go! very important radio show meal at japanese restaurant! Both are sponsor must go do interview? Humhh?? O.K but this is the end okay? “  okay” he says, we set off………it’s rush hour! takes an hour in nose to tail traffic, the pollution is tasteable! We drive for miles into the suburbs , ooh I’m getting angry, we arrive , nice restaurant tho at least , then the radio station turn up?? Twelve of them for another surreal T.V and Radio interview, bleedin hell! I’VE HAD ENOUGH! Grab promoter drag him outside, give him the proper Alex Ferguson Hairdryer Treatment,

 “YOU CAN’T TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS!”

‘I AM NOT A PERFORMING PIG ETC ETC”

“THIS IS RIDICULOUS, YOU BASTARD!” As my hands go for his throat I’m grabbed by phil, my saviour!  The promoter is full of apologies, but what a night, I’ve done less promo for large countries for a record that took 5 years to make! Jesus! At least the foods good. we start to eat, calming down at last ….then in walk three strangers? They are introduced to us by the radio girl, they don’t speak English, “who are they?” I ask

“Competition Winners!’ She replies

‘You must eat with them! Now!”

I turn to see the promoter sneaking out the door!

Ah well. We get back to the hotel eventually run the gauntlet, then I barricade my door! WHAT A LIFE!  Next morning we decide to run it off in the gym but we are both ill, we’ve both got loads of bites on our legs and seem to have a reaction, we are both dizzy and sick plus we have the shits, great! Phil falls off the jogger, like Ronnie Corbett in the Amarillo video, unfortunately very funny! Sorry mate! I succumb to a Peruvian haircut also very funny! But we are left alone Thanks Sir Alex! We only have the gig to go, they are suitably sheepish but the gig is packed the audience are very old as in people our age? nowhere near as young as Mexico also of course very pushy, where’s sarge when you need him eh? I’ll never take him for granted again.  Loads of signing, funniest one being a Peruvian Alpaca Scarf to be signed?? two 6ft 6ins guys insisting I play World in Nation?  The gig Goes down a storm thank god! After a little altercation with a right drunken bastard who is chasing me with a full glass of whisky insisting I have a drink and sign his mother! I escape!  The obligatory banging on the bus windows all the way down the street and it’s over!  The hotel is quiet, thank god . The next day it’s all over we head for the airport William our guide is a lovely guy, he was in a Joy Division cover band years ago, he has had a difficult job trying to please me and the promoter, he did very well, I hope the promoter has learnt something too?  I’ll recommend this place to Kerry Katona when I see her. Adois Peru, WOW!