Sorry, Blogosphere! I know you've been dying for a new blog post, and I've been keeping you waiting too long.

There's a lot going on in the world today, so instead of posting something silly like advice about neckties or a rant about how Nick at Nite no longer shows classic television, I think we should talk politics.

First of all, I've been torn between Presidential candidates. I've been having a hard time deciding between sci-fi author George Phillies And September 11th's Mayor Rudy Giuliani. But my mind is made up. Here is my candidate:



In other news, I'm concerned about Iran. Should we invade? Do they have the right to develop nuclear power? Watch this video, and decide for yourself:



Hope you all found that enlightening. This is an open forum, so I encourage you all to debate and share ideas about current events.

Happy belated Canadian Thanksgiving!

-Phil

Welcome to the severalth installment of my semi-sometimes-monthly advice column! We have some great questions in this edition, and hopefully you will all find it helpful.

Remember, you can email me any time, and I can answer any question. Between my professional research experience and natural know-how, I can help you with any problem that comes along.

Here goes.

hi phil, so theres this lady, a foreigner, and i banged her and its out of my system and now im getting the creeps and she is sending me ecards saying how cute i am and long epic emails i dont want to reply to. how do i end it without hurting her, she told me not to disappear on her after the first banging? b.b.b.

Thanks for the question, b.b.b. Now, I have a question for you.

Did she tell you not to disappear before or after you banged her the first time? If she told you before the banging, not to disappear after you bang her, then you are contractually obligated to stick around for a while. Banging is a lot like a handshake [in the eyes of the judicial system]. If she did not tell you before-hand that she didn't want you to disappear, then you are in no way required not to disappear. She should make it clear, before you bang her, whether or not she would like you to disappear right away.

I am concerned about the eCards. Sending eCards (not as a joke) is a red flag, and I can understand why you are getting the creeps. But, try to use this to your advantage. Since eCards are her medium of choice, maybe that would be a good way to let her down easy. Here is an example of a great way to break it to her!

I know that hindsight is 20/20, but in the future, I think you should not bang someone until you find out whether or not she gives you the creeps. Good luck, I hope it works out!

Next letter:

Dear Advice Phil, In a few days time i am leaving for a short vacation. I will be spending one night at a bed and breakfast. What is the policy for tipping when it comes to bed and breakfasts? I know you usually leave a few dollars for a maid depending on how many nights you stay at a real hotel but does that same rule apply to a B&B? Thank you for your help. Sincerely, Tipping in Texas

Thanks for writing, Tipping!

If you want to calculate your tip based on number of days stayed, then yes, a B&B would work the same as any other hotel.

But, there is another way to calculate tips, and this applies to most services. I happen to know that you are not from Texas. You might want to try calculating based on odds of seeing the tippee ever again. I live in New York City, and make sure to give all NYC taxi-drivers and waitstaff a decent tip. But, if I'm at a place which I'm sure I'll never visit again any time soon, there is no need to tip.

Assuming you're from the east coast, Texas is in a whole other time zone! After your vacation, the odds of you running into a maid from a B&B in Texas are slim to none... So no tip necessary!

Congratulations - buy yourself something nice.

Well folks, that's all for this installment of AskPhil! Please keep your questions coming.

P.S. Hilarious clip from the Daily show regarding the "family values" conservative senator who was caught soliciting a male prostitute: Click.

God, everyone is talking about the anniversary of 9/11... Come on people, it was six years ago. There are other things going on in the world today. I think this video really puts things in perspective:




But seriously, 9/11 is an important day to remember, not only because of the 2,974 people murdered that day, but because of all the mistakes we made post-9/11 (e.g. 3774 American casualties so far in Iraq).

So happy birthday, 9/11. This song's for you:



For more 9/11-related video, click here.

Well, you might have noticed I haven't blogged in a while. I don't know why... I guess I've been busy reading about the difference between Sunnis and Shiites, and of course -like all of you- I've been following the whole Becks and Posh saga. Fascinating.

But as a cheap easy way of kicking this blog back into high gear, I would like to share with you my summer vacation (3 nights and 2 fun-filled days) in The City of Wind: Chicago.

How I spent my Summer Vacation
by Phil

Day 1, Friday, August 3rd 2007

1:25 PM Sit down on aircraft. Plane taxis for over an hour. I am next to an obese woman who's arm was the size of my torso. She was spilling into my seat - it wasn't her fault, there was nowhere else for her arm to go. So I was either leaning on the window or her enormous arm. Obviously, her arm was the more comfortable choice. A perfect flight.

5:00 PM Arrive in Chicago. As soon as I exit the airport and enter the subway terminal, there is a man playing a beautiful rendition of the Welcome Back, Kotter theme song.

Welcome back,
Your dreams were your ticket out.

Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about.

Well the names have all changed since you hung around,
But those dreams have remained and they're turned around.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Here where we need ya (Here where we need ya)

Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've hot him on the spot, welcome back,
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

7:00PM Arrive at Brian and Laura's apartment. Am reunited with my favorite dog, Kahlua.



8:00PM Drink Pacifico and beat Brian in Wii Tennis. Over and over again. If he leaves a comment stating otherwise, ignore it.

10:00PM On our way out of Brian's neighborhood, had a surprisingly New York rush hour style commute. The train was full of Lollapalosers (word added to Urban Dictionary by yours truly). They were super-obnoxious, and definitely made me not want to go to Lolapalooza, or ever listen to music again. There was a very fat young boy (I am so not anti-fat-person, this is the last you'll hear of one in this blog) leaning up next to me, sweating all over me, while eating a cheese steak. The train stops suddenly. The conductor gets on the speaker and says only the words "This is not good, people. This is not good." Don't worry - it wasn't a terrorist attack. We're fine. It was just a train malfunction. You're such a worrier.

11:00PM We hit the town. I was told that Wicker Park was the place to go out in Chicago, where the hip kids hang out. I guess I get spoiled by Williamsburg hipsters, because Chicago and I have a different definition of what's hip.

12:00AM We found ourselves in a live band karaoke bar.

I warned Brian that I sometimes end up pushing my friends to the limit, and that if Chicago stays open til 4AM, we would probably stay out til 4AM.

2:00AM We are bouncing from bar to bar, and around 2AM start having trouble finding the late night places... We went to Wrigleyville, had no luck there either.

3:45AM We try the bar across the street from Brian's place, just as they were closing. Looks like the night's over, until a drunk girl on the street points us in the direction of ---can't remember the name right now--- maybe Lake View? or something.

4:15 Arrive in "Lake View" just as the bars are emptying out. But we got to see something I've never seen before. Some guy was mad at another guy for cutting him off or something, so they pulled over and yelled at eachother for a little while. And then the one guy jumped into his car and backed into the other car on purpose and sped off. Then the other guy looked at the damage, got his posse back in the car, and they chased after them. The first crime I ever saw in Chicago! Exciting!

4:45 I beat Brian in Wii Tennis like 30 more times, and then we call it a night.

Day 2, Saturday, August 4th 2007

1:00PM Brian and I check the news to see if those guys in the car murdered the other dudes in the car. Doesn't look like they did, so that's good.

2:00PM Brian, Laura and I go out exploring beautiful downtown Chicago. I saw the Bean, Millenium Park, Jamba Juice, the beach, and the Cheesecake Factory where Jerry Springer eats sometimes.



8:00PM Brian and I go to Lou Malnati's for what Bryan Dinello touted as the best deep dish pizza in the Chicago Metropolitan Area. We ate "the Lou" of course, and it was awesome.

10:00PM We walk over to The Local Option, a bar owned by my friend's brother, for some foreign beers and good conversation. I highly recommend to anyone passing through Chicago.

1:00AM Properly soused on exotic beers and shots, we decided to hit the town more. My friend's bro recommended some options to us. We visited Neo, which turned out to be a goth dance club. Not my scene, but Brian was in heaven. I had no idea he was so goth. Who knew? I agree to stay for 2 drinks. We head to another bar, called Exit, which seemed okay for a biker bar...

2:00AM Turns out Brian is a secret-drunk. Way too coherent, and gives no real warning before getting sick. The worst kind of drunk, because he skips over stupid-silly-incoherent-drunk entirely, and just barfs. Night is over. Sorry, Brian, I told you I would push you to the limit.

Day 3, Sunday, August 5th 2007

3:00PM Brian and I go on a mission for the best hot dogs in Chicago. We are told by various sources that Hot Doug's is the place to go.



5:00PM Hot Doug's is closed on Sunday? WTFuck? Isn't sunday the best day of the week for hot-dog-eating?

6:00PM We head to Wrigleyville for the Cubs game. We scored relatively cheap seats off Stubhub at the last minute. The only catch:



So we watched the pole, and a little bit of the game. And had a Wrigley field Chicago Dog. After a few innings, we switched seats. Don't worry - we could still see the pole.



We made a new friend who works for Sean John. She promised she would send me pants. Because you know how I love Sean John.



She said Puff is a really nice guy, and I believe her.

The Mets crushed the Cubs! And Tom Glavine made history by winning his 300th game, and he's not the first to do it, but it is important anyway, for some reason.

11:00PM go to bed early because Brian doesn't want to barf again, and I guess I don't blame him.

Day 4, Monday, August 6th, 2007

I said goodbye to K-dog, DJ Brian, and Laura, who were excellent hosts. Flew home, went back to work, and that brings us back to the present.

Overall, Chicago was a great place to visit, but not sure I would want to live there. Definitely going back for a Bulls game and to visit Brian and Laura and Kdog, and maybe to finally eat at Hot Doug's.

Stay tuned blogosphere, PHIL'S SUPER AWESOME BLOG: THE ONLY BLOG YOU WILL EVER NEED TO READ BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT AND INTERESTING is back, and better than ever.

The 4th of July is the greatest holiday in the history of holy days, for several reasons:

• Fireworks


• BBQ


• beer


• No presents


• Sun (sometimes... not this year)


• Patriotism!

The past couple years, my friends and I have spent the 4th in Boston celebrating "America Pants", an event whose name originates from an inside joke that is never totally worth retelling. This year, because God put the 4th on a Wednesday, Boston didn't work out, so we made due celebrating America Pants in the most American city of them all.

First, we headed out to Coney Island bright and early in the morning, still hungover from the Beer Garden the night before. It wasn't easy.

Jessie was especially pooped.


To increase troop morale, I offered to tell some patriotic jokes. The troops called my bluff, and so I did a Google search on my Palm Treo 650 Smartphone for "patriotic jokes". The results were astounding!

I found an amazing messageboard post from MilitaryMomUSA.

..>..>

MilitaryMomUSA 03-09-2006, 04:29 PM HI EVERYONE!! :D :D SINCE THIS IS MY FIRST POST I THOUGHT ID SHARE SOME *FUNNY* PATRIOTIC JOKES I RECIEVED IN THE EMAIL FROM MY FRIENDS AND SONS (US MARINES SEMPTEMBER FI! MAKE YOUR COUNTRY PROUD BOYS GOD BLESS***) SO HERE WE GOOOO:*** WHY DON'T LIBS SUPPORT THE TROOPS?? -THEY DO SUPPORT THE TROOPS. THE INSURGENT TROOPS!! (THEY CALL THEM FREEDOM FIGHTERS GOD MICHEAL MOORE MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH!!!) WHAT BILL DID THE LIBS SIGN TODAY IN CONGRESS? -THE 'UNPATRIOT' ACT!! (WITH NUDE DRAWINGS OF JOHN KERRY ALL OVER GOD THEY ARE SICK PEOPLE!!) WHY ARE ALL THE BLUE STATES MOURNING TODAY? -BECASUE ANOTHER TERROIST BITES THE DUST COURTESY OF THE RED, WHITE AND STARS AND STRIPES!! WHY CANT LIB WOMEN KEEP THEIR LEGS SHUT?? -THEY JUST CANT! THEYRE SICK!!! SO THEY JUST GET ABORTIONS AFTER ABORTION IT MAKES ME SO MAD! WHAT DID BILL CLINTON (LIB LIER) SAY TO THE MUSLIM TERROIST? - I SUPPORT YOU. (THAT MAN IS AEWFUL!!) OK IM TOO MAD TO CONTINUE!

Did anyone notice her unintentional bonus joke? Hint: Semper Fi, Latin for "always faithful" is the Marine motto.

MilitaryMom's patriotic jokes kept us pumped until we got to the 92nd annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest



That was my view of the contest, if I were 7 feet tall. But we heard the announcer's commentary, and I got updates from Bart.

Bart.


As you know, Joey Chestnut ate 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes (breaking all previous records) to beat Takeru Kobayashi and bring the mustard belt back home. U.S.A! U.S.A!

We enjoyed the rest of the day on Coney... We saw the freak show! And took photos like these:





Please note the man wearing the America Pants has a screwdriver shoved up his nose.

We had some beers. And I think Chris G won the coveted Mr. America Pants 2007 award.



And then we went to Bart's for pre-fireworks partying. It was wild.



Right before fireworks time, I got a last-chance energy boost from a bottle of Sam Adams, and we headed up to the roof to watch the Macy's fireworks display. It was a little windy, so the show wasn't as great as last year, but they were spectacular irregardless.

A beautiful fireworks display to conclude a beautiful birthday for our beautiful country. Hope you all had a great 4th!

Here's a video of Cheney in 1994, explaining why Iraq is unwinnable, and it is not worth American lives. That was forever ago, though... Totally different situation there now.



If that was too serious for you, check out a video from some friends of mine - a comedy troupe called FreeLoveForum.



...And if that was too funny for you, check out this video from DaxFlame. Dax is a VLogger on the youtube, and his posts aren't exactly funny - they're just bizarre. This is him telling about the time he pushed his grandmother in the pool.



...And if that was too weird for you, then you should check out Ray Depaola, a typical every day American, and one of my fav myspacers.

And if you don't like Ray Depaola, then may god have mercy on your soul.

For the 99.9% of you who don't care/don't even know what The State is, sorry...

But for the .1% of you who would be interested, check out this special announcement from David Wain (member of The State, director of Wet Hot American Summer)

The State

Add to My Profile | More Videos

I've posted a similar blog a few months ago, but this time it's official. I'm having nerdgasms.

P.S. If you feel like getting grossed out, check out the worst tattoos you have ever seen.

Enjoy:




Special thanks to my friend Bizzy for having the wisdom to send me that.

Dear internet,

I am pleased to announce that as of Sunday, June 24th, 2007, I am the father of a beautiful baby Fish. Yasmine was given to me by a lovely little girl, also named Yasmine, at an Astoria street fair.

Yasmine The Fish can't replace our good friend Paco The Fish (2002-2005), but please make her feel at home anyway.

Also, my roommate Jables hates the name Yasmine, so he is calling her YoYo. She answers to either...



Don't worry. Yesterday I moved her out of the giant martini glass, and put her in a real bowl.