like right now when i sit down in the room and realize what i've done

the futon is like laying on soggy moss.i didn't realize living on a bed of moss would kill my back, make me dream of swimming, and feel so hungry!

spring fever is the real culprit! first i'm full of energy then i'm exhausted! any one else? for sure the cat called linus knows what i'm talking about...last night i woke up to the sound of his moon howl. he has spring fever for sure!that was the first time i heard a tomcat howl.it was eerie and refreshing at the same time.

aren't most new things eerie and refreshing at the same time?

my mom(!) and i ate a snack today at dancing blueberries.what a delightful little nook of a place. who doesn't want to feel special as though they have been teleported to paris for some waffles and icecream?i had a green tea with fruit floating in it!how divine and innovative. it was an inspiration, coming at a time when i thought there was no inspiring me.

i miss dana.

and i am no longer homesick also realizing it may not have been homesickness to begin with. i am here now though and sticking to this plan really has its benefits this time.

hairstyling school has taught me a few new things. not just about the hair either. people things. see we are always honing our people skills. i like cutting hair. and i like the repeat customers. this satisfies my need to make stuff and earn a living by doing so. i think the artist block will definately be helped by this plan.

the doves sound like love.

this is the first blog i've felt like posting in three months.i think about blogging except i think its kind of pointless sometimes.since the last time i blogged i had solstice, christmas, new year's, the death sinus flu, the blue blahs of january, the grey blahs of february, the death scoots flu and an accident in a heavy hauler. i was all dukes of hazzard style in 142 truck. i am not bragging. it scared the shit out of me. there are cameras on the trucks i have guessitimated. i got fired. which i think is blessing because that day i said out loud, "this isn't what the universe wants me to be doing with my life."

no. it isn't. here it is one year later and broke, cold and homesick. i haven't made one lick of intentional art work. looking back over the year i have collected evidence and expressed myself creatively in the moment. there are no artifacts of those moments and i have chosen a path of artifact making. it is confusing me to have been an ephemeral artist for the year. the art i made was for the moment and then after that moment the only thing that documented the fact that the art existed is memory. this is all still valid art making, don't get me wrong. its just that i can't help but feel remorse for not having anything tangible to show for the work i've done. can you all see that i am sorting this situation out as i type?

i started counselling this week. i have what i am calling artist block. i'm not sure if it is because i don't know if i have it really because i don't know if i've ever actually had it before. this artist block term is similar to the term love as the definition isn't something we are really clear on. its one thing we proclaim with blindness cause we don't know if its really what we have. i am suspicious that since i'm having this conversation i haven't had either. ?

so, counselling. yes. there you have it. i need direction and to get back on my artist feet, scrape the grime from my knees and begin. where to begin i asked. she said, "what can you commit to doing this week?" i said ok artist pages, and dates with myself and more purposeful outings...today i'm a little bit like didn't i already know this and its true i did, there was just something lacking in my own accountability that i had to find from an outside source. like as in a teacher, that is where i would have found that before had i thought i was experiencing a block...

i do go on...

ontario get ready

i had the weirdest dream. i dreamt that a very close friend of mine told me that he loved me and we made out. it was so bizarre. the whole time i was dreaming it i kept thinking, "but, you are a gay man." then there was this serial killer trying to kidnap me. i think it means that i am experiencing transformation in my life. that my otherwise promiscuousness has begun to settle down, into this wholly loving, nurturing place of comfort. and that i am tragically aware of my own growth, my own inner gay man has been enjoying the love and kindness of another beautiful being. my inner gay man, also known as my very strong masculine side, has turned to me to express self love and forgiveness. its one giant step towards acceptance. of myself, of the man i love and of our beautiful lives we share now. the serial killer stalker guy is a representation of my fears. i am afraid of letting go, being taken away, of losing myself in this relationship, and this fear has roots in all the experiences i have had up until this point in time. i lovingly acknowledged my fears, embraced them, nurtured them and let them go. i have no reason to fear the unknown. this is where you are when you are really in love.

oh halloween was a fucking blast. i was a bad little fairy. god i loved it. i'm sure the other fairies are still pissed at me. whatevers.

and

i love all of you

hearts

43 TRUTHS

Today Did You--

1. talk to a boy/girl you like today?
all day

2. realize anything new?
he's the best hockey player i know and i suck at action shots with the digital camera

3. talk to an ex?
no

4. miss someone?
chantal

Last person who--

5. slept in your bed?
dana

6. saw you cry?
dana

7. you went to the movies with?
dana

8. went to the mall with you?
dana and austin

9. you said "i love you" to..?
gosh...dana!

10. that made you laugh?
tie between dana and austin

11. said they loved you?
dana...is any one else sensing a TREND

12. that called you in the middle of the night?
chantal

13. do you have a crush on someone?
a lifetime crush

JUST PLAIN QUESTIONS--

14. what book are you reading?
the vein of gold

15. best feeling in the world? clean sheets and shaved legs, and a hard on to rub my leg next to

16. favorite location?
bathtub

17. piercing/tattoos?
navel...dumb

18. what are you most scared of right now?
my daughter missing out on my love

19. where do you want to get married?
nature

20. who do you really hate?
this is a very difficult question to answer...besides george w bush you mean?

21. does anyone hate you?
absolutely. i call them my fan club.

22 do you like being around people?
well, the ones i love for sure...the ones who don't get it not so much

23. have you ever cried?
daily

24. are you lonely right now?
not really

25. song stuck in your head right now?
hold my beer

27. ever liked someone, but you think they never noticed you?
ya, brad pitt

28. ever liked someone who treated you like crap?
unfortunately, but this is how i came to be so much fun and so wise-ish

29. how many beds did you lay in yesterday?
one...or is the question, how many times did you get laid in bed?

30. what color shirt are you wearing?
rock star wash out navy blue

31. name three things that you do every day?
1. drink coffee
2. brush my teeth
3. pee

34. when was the last time you saw your dad?
1998 at sears

35. who got you to join myspace?
lulu

36. what did you have for dinner last night?
stew made with leftover prime rib, harvest veggies and homemade bread grilled in the panini

39. what web site do you visit the most?
yahoo email

40. do you have plants in your room?
asiatic lilies from dana

41. does anything hurt on your body right now?
the gash under my baby finger that i re-cut with a paper cut in walmart tonight

42. where was your last cab ride?
home from brewbakers with dana and flemmer

43. Are you thinking of someone right now?
its hard not to

this harvest moon i invited the beautiful ones i have here in fort mcmurray. the ones who see the beauty in things in a similar way. the ones who remind me of the beauty of this place. the ones who remind me of how fortunate i am to be in a place so wealthy in beauty. the ones who remind me of the beauty within. the ones i came here to find and the ones i came here to share with.

the food. where to begin. this was the first time i cooked a prime rib. mmmm. beef. the theme was foods beginning with the letter p. perogies. pot stickers. panini. pepper dip(roasted red with feta!). proscuitto wrapped asparagus. pizza with autumn harvest vegetables. potatoes. pumpkin cake. pomme crisp. praline ice cream. painted turtle shiraz and sauv blanc. keiths. ok keiths is a Pale ale. it was totally suitable.

my beautiful stomach is still recovering from a beautiful food hangover. still unable to eat with out that nauseous "i'm too full" feeling. still heady. loved the wine. loved the beauty of the biggest bouquet of asiatic lilies and ORB vase...love orbs

most of all i loved the dynamics of the relationships in the room. honoring the bellies and hearts of the beauties. the goddesses and gods blessed our feast....and nurtured our souls.

my heart is always with the beauties far away in distance. you are always close to me in spirit. i honor you daily in simply noticing the beauty of the place.

Aries & Libra -->parent is section-->

When Aries and Libra come together in a love affair, the inherent polarity of the Zodiac is invoked. Aries and Libra are directly opposite one another in the Zodiac -- 180 degrees apart. Each Sign possesses qualities that the other lacks; combined with Libra's natural yen for harmony, this can be a relationship that enjoys great balance. Aries is the Sign of Self while Libra is the Sign of Partnership, and the differences continue: Aries is impulsive, excitable and ready to jump right into something new and exciting, while Libra is indecisive, peace-loving and prefers a calm, smooth approach. Aries can learn from Libra that their own way isn't necessarily the best way.

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These two Signs share the great sexual attraction common to all Signs opposite in polarity. At the same time, though this pair's connection is amazing when it's good, it can be extremely challenging when it's bad. All polarities have energies that tend to tangle or knot if understandings can't be reached. As a combination, Aries and Libra are well-balanced. Charming, cultured Libra can teach brash Aries something about style. Libra prizes harmony in a relationship and will go to great lengths to maintain it. Aries is very decisive and can teach indecisive Libra about relying on intuition for answers.

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Aries is ruled by the Planet Mars and Libra is ruled by the Planet Venus. This is a great match, as these are the Planets of Passion and Love, respectively. Venus and Mars go well together as they're the two sides of the love relationship coin. They're universally recognized as male and female and this relationship is a good balance of masculine and feminine energy. Venus is about the beauty of romance while Mars is about the passion of romance. What a good combination!

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Aries is a Fire Sign and Libra is an Air Sign. Air fuels Fire and helps it grow and spread. Aries can have a very positive effect on Libra's growth, ideas and progress; Aries can help Libra put their ideas into action. Working together can be challenging at times, however, due to their polarity. Aries's fast-paced, impetuous approach to projects may conflict with Libra's more balanced, intellectual approach. However, both Signs have wide-ranging interests, and at the end of a long, active day, Aries can come home full of interesting stories to tell the more cerebral Libra!

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Aries and Libra are both Cardinal Signs. They both have a lot of initiative -- but lack in follow-through. They both tend to start things they're never going to finish, whether it's a job, a project, a relationship ... Aries will appear to be the leader because of their energy and forceful nature, but Libra leads from an intellectual standpoint. Both Signs want to be in charge, but Aries uses force and sometimes intimidation to get what they want while Libra uses charm and sometimes manipulation. Compromise is essential to this relationship's health. Diplomatic Libra has a much easier time with compromise than does Aries, who strongly dislikes yielding to another person, viewing it as submission. Libra may have to give in more often to Aries's wishes in order to keep the peace that they so cherish.

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What's the best aspect of the Aries-Libra relationship? The harmony resulting from the union of Venus and Mars. The balance between self and other represented by this polarity is a great learning experience for both Signs. Each brings to the relationship what the other is missing, making for a wonderful balance.

you can't hurry love!

when will this stop HURTING!

fuck

oh yes...just when you thought that there could be nothing fun about being a morning person, you look up at the shower head and realize you have been showering with the TINGLE KING all this time!!! he doesn't just clean the cum out of your belly button, oh no! he massages the small of your back which is aching from the cat stretches you did all night long while you.....

ahhhh. thank you tingle king. what should we name the toilet, tinkle princess?

ok the fucking music search post thingy isn't fucking working...i'm listening to jamiroquai: feels so good. that's from erin. it is how i feel right now. finally. thanks to second chances and being able to show someone what i really want them to see about me.

we are at our weakest when we are admiring the shiniest objects.

the shiny ones are the ones the universe puts in our path to show us how vulnerable we really are.

whenever i remember i am of the earth and that i need the earth to feel grounded and have a sense of purpose i feel like i am remembering something. like a message i was given a long time ago about my life. and in that message i recognize someone. the only person in the universe who affects those feelings.

the confusion i have lived for these last six months has been so weird. i was so jaded and lost. the new surroundings? the loss of a sense of place?

only now am i accepting this place. in accepting the surroundings, i've realized the gifts. i came here to find me. and i came here to find you. 

 

i've been in fort mcmuddy since february. that's six months. in six months i aquired romantic illusions twice. i am a loving compassionate being.   

illusions

h'okay knitten kitten, get up out of the mud and wipe your face off. the scars on your knees remind you that you are still alive. if it didn't feel like burning it wasn't worth it.

what did i learn about myself?

to walk. notice nature. smell the air. (ignore that sour smell from the mines. focus) connect. find my work.

connection. articulation. fabric. yarn.  

this is no pity party. this is rock and roll girls!

 

 

p.s. the heavy hauler found the berm, pole, power line. i'm ok.