so after a long weekend of being tired and going to bed at around 5am, monday was a welcome change. a couple of us went up to Mt. Greenwood park and played frisbee for hours! talk about fun times! we walked around the path once, climbed some trees and made a stop at good ole 7-11 for some refreshments. but frisbee for hours was fantastic, cause the weather was beautiful and of course the exercise was great. i got back to my old form, caught one under my leg, threw the curve, could do the backhand throw. it was a blast. i've mainly been bike riding, walking or running but frisbee is so much more fun! it was nice being outside, not inside a bar, or sitting in my house. it was nifty coming home at 2am and a bit sore from working out.

last night was funny though cause we did go out for a bit to celebrate, have some fun. we went to the park after the bar and went for a small walk, and played in the awesome new playground at Mt. Greenwood park. it is the coolest place you will ever see. giant chimes, xylophones, spinny things, the ground is rubberized. it was fun acting like a kid although i got way too stretched out and i sooo hurt this morning. but it was great times. and then mel and i went to starbuck's tonight and just sat around for a bit chatting. i had the wonderful passion fruit sweetened tea. now i'm kinda bored lol. trying to figure out what to read and what movie to watch.

so just a random update cause it is 1am and i am wide awake as usual. no matter how i try i just cannot fall asleep early. oh well. no loss. i'm watching me some Bram Stoker's Dracula, trying to cool down. i went and chilled with my friend jo and her kids, and let me tell you, bike riding in this muggy weather sucks when you were jeans and a long sleeved shirt. why did i do something so asinine?! cause it was supposed to rain and be cooler tonight! but of course it didn't so i ended up roasting. too damn bad, just made me ride my bike faster.

working out has been going well. i bike ride, walk, run, do free weights, situps and also chase my friend's four year old who has the energy of ten car batteries all linked together. lol and their puppies who like to try and escape. i got xm radio on my phone, my new pretty free phone, so i have some motivation when i run. it's sad that bike riding made me miss running, even though i don't always like doing it. but there's something freeing about pounding the pavement at night, it makes me feel alive.

so do silly things though. last weekend a few of us had a nightly excursion where we ended up playing in a stream and then climbing trees in the park. my poor dress shoes were horribly dirtied but how fun is it to climb a tree at 3am! i love mt. greenwood park cause as long as you're not doing anything too stupid they don't care. god knows i've played frisbee there around that time and cops just smile and wave when you ask if you need to leave. it's fantastic.

i'm also getting in touch with my inner nerd again. i'm reading Wuthering Heights, and trying to get through some other classics. though it's been awhile and all that old language style is hurting my head. so i listen to my jason mraz cd. he is beautiful. and he writes his own songs and plays guitar and that is the dealbreaker there. that makes him a stud. hehe. but i just rambled a bit and now i'm going to do my situps, read for a but while i watch my movie and maybe fall asleep to mr. mraz. and then go to sleep and hopefully not have weird dreams.

or maybe i want weird dreams.

:P anywho, goodnight!

so i have nothing really important to say but i felt like doing something other than being idle. i am sooo awake it's not even funny. i rode my bike eight miles, just did weights and situps so i have energy now. plus dane cook is on comedy central and he makes me smile.

so my vacation started off horrible, with the tie rods on my car going boom! at 3:30am mind you. it was fun times calling my parents for a ride. but the guy who fixed 'em also cleared my check engine code from the onboard so i passed my emissions test! yay! that was one less thing to worry about.

i got to see my friends and i had a lovely gift card to Best Buy, that got me the Duffy CD and Jason Mraz's new CD which i am hooked on. the music brought a smile to my face, as did going to Barnes and Noble with my other lovely gift card and getting Son of a Witch, the sequel to Wicked. i also got to buy clothes at Kohl's.

i also got to see some friends, and get some belated birthday shots, after my awesome birthday party at bourbon st. i had such a fun time, and i remember it! yay! success! or is that failure? i'm not quite sure but i know that it didn't rain so we got to sit on the patio and play bean bags and listen to awesome 80's music. my favorite word to describe it, fantasmagorical. i made it up. cause i rule.

so my vacate is almost over and it makes me sad. my car can only be driven to work and back- so linda is getting a car soon. hopefully one that can be driven farther, cause i'm not that awesome to ride my bike super far to do the fun things i want to do.  i'm not that crazy yet although in my desperation i might. can they give you a ticket for DUI if you're on a bike? not that i would try it, but i am curious. BRUI?

so as i said, i went 8 miles on my bike. went from my house to Starbuck's for a refreshing non-fat iced mocha, st. xavier's to visit people, and then around just cause i didn't feel like going home. and i'm getting up early on my last day of vacate so i can bike ride again. i have hit that stage where i am a dork and i enjoy pushing myself to work out. and not just work out but get the most out of my body as i can. the benefits are good though- all my old jeans fit so it's like new clothes without having to pay for anything! huzzah!

so i'm rambling and i'm gonna stop. i'm gonna read for a few minutes and watch news coverage on hurricane gustav, cause that is some scary shit. i feel sorry for all those people...stupid f-in weather.

i feel like i have to walk on eggshells but i am finally fed up to the point i will be honest, or at least as honest i myself can stomach. when friends drift apart it's never easy, but it's also never easy when someone you were good friends with starts acting better than you. it's not necessarily a conscious decision but when certain things are said and people get hurt, it's too late to say that it never meant anything, that there were no bad intentions.

things were said behind people's backs. actions were done. but it all started when a friend decided that they couldn't handle being out doing stupid things. darts, having a drink and being silly was deemed immature. when i have a bad day or i just want to relax, i don't need to have deep conversations all the time. i don't always want to take things seriously. i myself have enough problems with money and moving out and my car to keep my mind occupied. when i'm with my friends i want to get rid of my tension, release that anger that pent up energy.

i am saddened that things are all crazy the way they are but i don't apologize. i've been in the middle trying to not start shit or say anything mean cause i hate being mean to people. even if i'm mad, i can't throw away friendships. but there comes a point where even i lose patience. for months i felt like there was always a shadow around me, telling me i am making wrong choices, who i should talk to, who my friends should be. there were allusions to the fact that me and some of my friends were irresponsible when in fact we have held down a job for years, paid bills, taken care of a child and moved out to list a few examples. maybe as a whole we are more outgoing and yes, maybe we don't things seriously all the time. it's the easiest way to stay sane and not let the negative things in life threaten what is good.

when these grievances were brought up the general mood was still arrogance. certain people felt like they were still above our 'debauchery" and that we were not good for anything. but who has been there for me at my worst? when i had the worst two weeks in the world, who helped me out? who told me things would be better? i wasn't put down and told that i was going down the wrong path. i'm a big girl and i know there are certain concessions i need to make if i want things to get better. but when i am at my lowest i don't need that thrown in my face. for months i have felt like whatever i said or did was being scrutinized. as i said there was a shadow haunting my every move to the point where i felt stifled. it was there everywhere i went, everything i did. my friends were brought into my question.

it saddens me to think that i might lose friends out of this. a dialogue had been offered, a peace had been made or at least that's what was hoped for. but is it possible to be a secure person when there is someone constantly there telling you your problems are of your own making? that you are nothing but a fuck up? how can someone live like that? how happy can that make you knowing you sound like a know it all who doesn't care if you're hurting your friends feelings? people were hurt by things that were said and now they're being thrown out of favor by people they thought were friends because they were angry and lashed out? and it wasn't everyone either but there was a general sense of discontent among everyone. everyone had their own personal anger to draw from. it doesn't help matters that everything gets broadcast to the whole myspace community. you say that certain people are using libel? you're doing the same thing back by aring all the dirty laundry for everyone to see. maybe the comments made were wrong and immature...but they weren't the only comments that tore apart friendships.

those first comments were what started the ball rolling and some people never made the realization that they just kept it on rolling with their arrogance. maybe it's unhappiness and a need for everyone else to be unhappy. i am working on myself, being a better person. but sometimes i have to not be around friends that are going to make me feel worse about myself. that's even worse than libel.

so it is a better day today. my car is fixed...who knows what other problems could be lurking beneath ir's rusting exterior, but my father is awesome. we got the parts cheap and he did the repairs himself, saving me a whole heap of money. rock on. my pink eye spread to my other eye but it's almost gone. my computer was dying but my friend fixed it for me so i have internet after days of no access. it's enough to make a girl go crazy! my hair dryer is still dead, but eh, not being able to wear makeup for over a week and a half helps you lose some vanity.

i've dropped 12 pounds now and feel good. i haven't smoked a cigarette in over a week now and it definitely is a goood gooood thing. i've trained myself well now to eat better and i love going out running. sitting at home for the past two weeks, that was my redemption. sprinting down the street got rid of lots of anger. i wasn't even horribly depressed just pissed off i had to spend a ton of money all in one little time period.

i am utterly and hopelessly excited for my birthday. i am read y to go out and have a great time. i start my vacation on my birthday and though i have no plans yet, i am looking for some fun things to do. but it'll be nice to be out with friends and celebrate my bday! whooohoo!!!!!

i haven't written a blog in awhile where it's something other than silly shit. talking about my day, and fun places i've gone. but people have got me thinking lately. so many people i know are depressed or unhappy with their lives. these people are feeling lost and have no stasis in their lives, no real direction that they can find. it makes me feel like i'm missing out on this cosmic mind fuck that seems to be going on. lately i've been trying to get my ass in gear. i'm trying to make more money so i can move out, i've been educating myself more and i've started taking better care of my health. i've started running again, i've been eating healthy. i've been reading, listening to new music, making friends and going out and having a good time. i find it really sad that so many people i know feel like there's no hope. i am an optimist by nature, though there is more cyniscism in my outlook than there was a few years ago. i've had doses of reality where i understand that idealism is a nice thought, but not a good practice. we all need a certain amount of armor to survive all the shit that comes our way.

but i feel hopeful lately. things aren't necessarily all coming together but i don't feel lazy anymore. granted i do need to clean my room (lol) but i don't have much to complain about. i've seen my friends quite a bit, we've been doing different things. exercise has given me many happy endorphins, which could be the reason i'm writing this. it just sucks that some people feel like there's no way out, that the bad things shape their existence. the bad things only make us stronger, or at least they should. i have had enough bad shit happen and the only way to move on is to trudge through all the wreckage, and figure out what pieces still work. there are always going to be tribulations, but there is no point in being defeatist. i can't remember the last time i cried for a really long time. i make myself stop because i refuse to let bad thoughts rule me. a few weeks ago i did, i let myself be depressed or just lazy and i was a big crabby mess. and i couldn't stand being that way. people get through their problems their own ways, but i wish i could do more to help. i am by no means an expert on being happy, but i'm trying only to focus on the positive things. everything that happens is a learning experience, whether we want it to be or not. everything happens for a reason, as contrived as it sounds. you have to roll with what you're given and make the best of things. being that upset and depressed all the time only lends to more bad things happening. if you open to the door to letting your emotions get the best of you, it's hard to close it again. the only door i want open is the door where good emotions go. i like getting carried away by love, laughter, friends. that's what i want to focus on. i just really hope everyone else can find something that makes them happy and focus on it. i hate seeing some of my friends so despondent. we have to take what we get, and i want the getting to be good from now on!

p.s. if i sound like a self-help guru, i'm sorry. i just had to get thoughts out of my head. writing and running are good for that. :P

today was an awesome day. after going to work and waking up early, went to dinner with the parents and then went out to gameworks. gameworks is the coolest place in the world! they have a luge game where you lay down and play! and i rode a motorcycle really badly, but i kicked ass at the snowboarding game. i loved that game! and then i hit the jackpot twice on a game and ended up with 905 tickets and was only there a short time! i got me a betty boop coin bank, simpsons playing cards, a fuzzy notebook and a kick ass princess tiara (which i wore into the gas station and got asked if was my birthday). it was a lot of fun, and much quieter than the drinking shenanigans yesterday. i enjoyed a lovely coffee energy drink and that's as rowdy as i got tonight. but i had a great time. then i get to wake up and go to Ikea in bolingbrook tomorrow. i love Ikea. it'll be fun times.

today was an awesome day. after going to work and waking up early, went to dinner with the parents and then went out to gameworks. gameworks is the coolest place in the world! they have a luge game where you lay down and play! and i rode a motorcycle really badly, but i kicked ass at the snowboarding game. i loved that game! and then i hit the jackpot twice on a game and ended up with 905 tickets and was only there a short time! i got me a betty boop coin bank, simpsons playing cards, a fuzzy notebook and a kick ass princess tiara (which i wore into the gas station and got asked if was my birthday). it was a lot of fun, and much quieter than the drinking shenanigans yesterday. i enjoyed a lovely coffee energy drink and that's as rowdy as i got tonight. but i had a great time. then i get to wake up and go to Ikea in bolingbrook tomorrow. i love Ikea. it'll be fun times.

so i put a bulletin up but this was funny. i had a message waiting for me on myspace from some guy who works in media relations. he said he'd "never done this before" but thought it'd be fun to hang out....see where the night goes...get naughty. he described himself in detail, told me all about him and then proceeded to detail what would be fun to do. it was bizarre considering i have no idea who this guy is. funny yes, the people that are on myspace and can find you.

but seriously! that's the irony of my life...i repel the people i like and i attract the weirdos that think i have hooker stamped on my forehead! if it wasn't so funny i'd be depressed but damn, was that funny. i have been working out quite a bit the past few days, (i walked over a mile on my lunch today), and i am sore and a bit tired. that was such a great pick me up. it was a completely unexpected way to make my laugh but luckily i have a sense of humor or else i would have been offended as hell. but sadly for him i will NOT be contacting him! :P he can do his own naughty thing in chicago tonight!