Everyone who knows Chuck knows that he is a quiet man. I'm starting to think this is just because he has no idea what he is saying, and would prefer other people not know that. However, as his wife, I'm forced to play 20 question to try and figure out what my little Canadain needs. Now, I don't know if it's because English was his second language, or maybe it's a Canadian thing. He might just be kind of dumb, but in that geeky computer way. All I know is I just got off the phone with him and it prompted me to keep a running tab of silly thinks he has said.

1. Chuck: When you go to the grocery store, can you get those dish scrubbing disk things?

Kate: ......sponges?

Chuck: Yeah, those.

2. Get me Dove soap. (He pronounced it dove, as in the past tense of dive. Not like the bird as it's supposed to be.)

3. Telling Ducassi about a commendation he got at work (for which I'm very proud, by the way)..

Chuck: Yeah everyone at work was congratulating me and giving me the hands up all day.

Ducassi:...You mean thumbs up. Thuuumbsss uuuup. :)

4. I have to act as an intermidary for my sister sometimes. (I believe he was going for intermediary, or go between. As of right now, we have decided an intermidary is a camel trapped between alternate dimensions.)

5.Chuck: When the packaging guys leave work for the day, they have to be scruffed.

Kate:......scruffed?

Chuck: You know, when they pat down your body to make sure you aren't hiding anything.

Kate:......You mean frisked?

Chuck:........probably.

6. An Unintentional Personal Blow

Chris Ducassi and Chuck discussing ordering a pizza.

Chuck: How much should we get?

Ducassi: 2 large pizzas should be enough.

Chuck: Don't you think we need more?

Ducassi: Come on, it's enough to feed 6 people.

Chuck: Please, Kate IS 6 people. (At which point I cry and run away with Chuck yelling after me "that's not what I meant, really!")

7. Discussing an earthquake Chuck went through when he lived in El Salvador.

Chuck: Yeah, the smaller, post-earthquakes were bad.

Kate:....Otherwise known as aftershocks.

Chuck: Shut up.

8. Chuck and I discussing taking a cruise somewhere.

Chuck: Cruises are great, they have those big, Grand bouquets!

Kate:.... Buffets?

Chuck:... no...something else....

Kate: ....Banquets?

Chuck: I guess. fuck off, you knew what I meant! Please don't post this.

Kate: heh heh heh :o)

9. Chuck was in the front driving, and I was sitting in the back. We just dropped off my mom who was sitting in the front passenger seat.

Mom: Kate are you getting in the front?

Chuck: Naw, she likes it when I chaperon her around.

Kate: It's chauffeur honey.

Chuck: God dammit Kate, just once...(unintelligible mummbling).

10. An oldie, but a goodie. It's gotten a lot of "word of mouth" but I didn't think to post it till now. Maybe it's new to you.

As far as I can tell Chuck is a parrot, and repeats things back like a machine expecting conversations to go exactly how he's used to them. The scene: Chuck gives me a call (conversations still begin like this sometimes too).

Chuck: Hi, Honey!

Kate: Hi!

Chuck: I'm good, and you?

Kate:.... you have to wait for the question Chuck, not just imagine I've asked "how are you?"

Chuck: Fuck, I know. Sorry.

He's getting better though, really. :)

11. Talking about maybe moving to Seattle...

Kate: It's really expensive there, just like Miami, what's the point?

Chuck: Yeah, it's filled with Yippies.

Kate:..... Yuppies, love.

Chuck: Fuck, whatever. They are both stupid words!

Kate: Get off the computer, I need to blog something:)

12. Chuck and I arguing about something (don't worry about are arguing, it's all in good fun and we are still very happy...back to the funny.)

Chuck: Look, I'm not just offering these excuses for the sake of a rebewtle.

Kate: ::giving him that look that says "you said something wrong, fix it"::

Chuck: um.... rebittle?

Kate: ::shakes head in mock shame::... REBUTTLE, honey.

Chuck: fine, fuck, RE-YO' MAMA, ok. Fuck who gives a shit!

Kate:: re-yo'mama!!! ::dies laughing::

13. Don't even remember what I said, but obviously I was right...:)

Chuck: God, ok, you don't have to smug it in my face!

Kate: Rub, honey. RUB it in your face.

Chuck: Oh my God, just STOP!

14. Talking about the immigration issue, and landing upon Native Americans as a topic.

Chuck: Yeah, just think of all the Indians who got stuck on Reservoirs.

Kate: RESERVATIONS!!! 2 in one weekend!!

Chuck: Fuck, Damn!

15. More of Chuck's lack of the knowledge when it comes to American Idioms. It was Wednesday and I made a "Hump Day" joke. He stared at me like I had just cursed him out in Hungarian... blank face, no idea. So I explained to him, "hump day...middle of the week, getting over the hump." This is his response verbatum.

Chuck: "Fuck you. You're just screwing with me. You're trying to get me to use this in front of my friends and then I'll look like an ass. Fuck you."

After I finished laughing my ass off, I had to wonder about how I was treating my husband if he thinks my ultimate goal in life is to make him look dumb. Then I just laughed some more.

I'll be adding more as they come to me, I'll let you know.

Chuck informed me the other night that his sister is going to have another baby. My first response was, "Oh, God, no!" Then he said, "yeah, that's what I thought, but I said, 'congrats' anyway." Our less than thrilled responses are due to the fact that their first child, Joshua, is a complete terror. Seriously, this kid is the best birth control ever invented. I've known him since he was 1 year old and his only redeeming quality is that he lives on another continent (my condolences to England).

After my pity for England subsided, I then realized where this baby train is going. Chuck's parents are then going to turn their sights on me. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but the last time I saw Chuck's parents his mother busted out with, "When are you going to give me a little boy? I need a little boy from my only son!" This woman speaks very little English; I don't even want to know how long it must have taken her to learn that phrase. Chuck smiled and giggled in his own nervous little way. I tried to quickly figure out how to say in Spanish, "I imagine when all forms of birth control become illegal. And, even then, I may choose abstinence. Chuck's good, but he's not THAT good." I couldn't come up with it, so I joined the giggling. I don't know if Chuck's ever going to inform his parents that I'm not having kids, but I do know that her poignant use of the words "only son" were meant to hit me. And, as the years go on, his parents are going to get angrier and angrier.

It's not just them though. I get the kid question a lot. In fact, "So when are you two going to have kids?" has become my favorite drinking game. I find it amusing how something so personal is apparently accepted as polite conversation. If it's someone I'll probably never have to spend anytime with, I usually just say, "We're still young." and smile my best Mary Tyler Moore smile. If it's actually someone I feel accountable to, I usually tell the truth which is, "We aren't going to have kids."

Undoubtedly, you have already formed some statement in your mind that either questions or down right refuses to believe what I have just said. Now, I'm going to put together a little scene that sort of melds together every conversation I've ever had in regards to my not having children starting of course with, "So when are you two going to have kids?"

Me: We aren't going to have kids.

Busybody (BB): Oh, well, you can always adopt.

Me: I didn't say I couldn't have kids, I said we weren't going to have kids. I don't even want my own kids, what the hell would I want with someone else's?

BB: What does your husband think of this?

Me: I haven't told him yet. I was thinking about springing it on him on our 10 year anniversary. ::enter thick Kate sarcasm::

BB: Well, you'll change your mind when you get older.

Me: I don't think so. I have 3 cats that make me happy, I'm going to school, working, I have Chuck, friends, family. I'm happy with all that.

BB: Don't you like kids?

Me: Not really, no. They kind of irritate the piss out of me.

BB: Well, you'll like your own.

Me: You say that, but there is always some lady who has to drown her kids in a bath tub, and I'll be damned if it's gonna be me.

BB: Don't you think you are being a little selfish?

Me: I'm sorry, do you have stock in my uterus? Did I just ruin your portfolio? There are 7 billion people on this planet, who gives a flying fuck if I make a baby or not? It's my damn uterus, I make the rules.

BB: What about Chuck's and your parents, don't you want to give them grandchildren?

Me: They already have grandkids. Plus, I gave my mom a Roomba and a new TV, they were way nicer.

BB: How could you not want to give your husband a baby, don't you love him?

Me: Fuck you. Chuck did not marry a baby making machine. He married a funny, sweet, talented woman who makes him very happy. Don't tell me I don't love my husband because I don't want to have a baby with him. If anything, I love him so much that I don't want to have to split my time with him between him and a kid.

BB: What if he decides he wants kids some day?

Me: Well, he can divorce me then.

BB: You don't mean that!

Me: Yes, I do. I can't have a baby with a man just to make him happy. I'll resent him for it, and I'll resent the baby for it. The marriage is already doomed at that point, so if our marital happiness comes down to making a baby then it's divorce court for us. He says he's ok with not having kids and that he loves me, so that's all there is to it.

BB: You'll regret not having them.

Me: You'll regret having them!"

Those are the most common anyway. Was yours in there? Here's a few more less common ones, which I find all too entertaining.

BB: The point of being married is to have kids.

Me: I don't remember that in the wedding vows. I remember something about a first bite of meat and a honey pot, but nothing about kids.

BB: Why bother getting married if you aren't going to have kids?

Me: Fucking Canadians!

BB: What happens if you get pregnant?

Me:… and abortion became illegal when?

BB: You would not!

Me: Bring on the wire hanger!

Clearly, many of my statements have outraged more than a few askers to the point where they disengage the conversation or change subjects, which is pretty much my goal. If you have have any questions, feel free to ask. Otherwise, my final statement:

 I do not have any plans to make a baby. If for some reason I change my mind and decided to make the world 7 billion + 1 I guarantee you the little fuckers middle name will be "I don't want to fucking hear it." Until then, let it go.