Thanks everyone. Even though I'm really upset, I have to tell you how God has blessed me and helped prepare me for these results. For one, he's already blessed me with four beautiful children, even though I don't have a baby made from my husband and I. That right there is proof that there is a loving God. He has already made my house full of life.
This sounds so corny, but he's used his Word and the radio to remind me that he is God and that he cares for me. I can't tell you the number of Psalms that I have read lately that remind me of his unending love, even when things don't go our way. And so many songs that have been playing on the radio have pricked my heart in ways I can't explain. It was almost like God was telling me that even though he wasn't granting this desire, that he still cares for me and has another plan. That he is still here ready to comfort me. And even though my entire body feels like it's going to fall apart, somehow I'm still able to function and care for my kids. He has given me the grace not to fall apart.
There HAS to be a reason why I'm being tried by fire. There has to be a reason why this didn't work. I just have to pray and allow God to show me what this all means. It really seemed like everything was in place. In the beginning we knew we couldn't have children together. We accepted it and adopted our children and were happy. Then we checked in to having another of my womb. In this we were blessed to find out that Matt had swimmers after all! We felt this was God's way of telling us to try. Then they fertilized and we felt we were on God's path. Yet for some reason, they failed to grow inside of me. We don't know why, but feel it's probably due to the Chemotherapy that Matt had as a teenager. Who knows, this may all be God's way of telling us that he's allowed us to get this far so that we can officially say we tried everything, so we'll have no regrets or what if we had tried when we're older. Maybe it's not his will for us to have another child, maybe he's just allowing us to follow our dreams, yet still be there to steer us onto the right path... Guess I'll just have to pray to figure it all out...
Anyways, I know God has a reason for this and eventually he may allow me to understand what this all means. We do still have four eggs left. IF we try again it will be around tax season, so that we can use our taxes to pay for the procedure. IF we try again, it will ONLY be this one time. I will not put my body through the egg retrieval process again.
I do have to say that I can look back on this attempt at trying to have a baby and say that I have absolutely no regrets. There is nothing that I could have done differently to affect our outcome. I refrained from taking baths, I stayed on bedrest for three entire days, I refused to lift Xander for over 1.5 weeks after my transfer, I cut out almost all of my caffeine intake, and much more. I'm thankful that I can look back and know that there is nothing I could have changed.
Yes I'm so very upset that God didn't grant my desire for another child, but I know he's still God. He obviously knows something I don't. His word says he'll never give us more than we can handle, so maybe I couldn't handle having another baby at this point in my life. I just don't know. So yes I will grieve. I will probably go through depression for a short time, and will definately cry many many tears; but I'll be ok. After all, I have a family that needs me. What good am I to them if I give in to my despair and fall apart completely?
Keep praying though, it's going to take a lot of strength to tell everyone that it failed. Even though I never got to see my babies, I know I now have five waiting in Heaven to know me one day. Three from our previous attempt and two from this one.