dining date: 04.27.08
eatery: bintliff's american cafe on park ave
pricing category: you might have to take out a second mortgage for this rather over-priced eatery
guest critic: socially awkward huevos
overall grade: B

the lowdown:
- you all may be wondering why we're reviewing bintliff's again. well, the last time we ate there (as you may recall), it was a monday and they were training a new chef. since that experience was rather dismal (read: TWO breakfasts returned to the kitchen), we decided to give them the benedict of the doubt, and review them again on their big brunch day.

- still had a nautical ship-like feel -- that hasn't changed.

- they still serve their coffee from annoying airpots -- that hasn't changed either.

- definitely plan on waiting for a table...at least for a little while. unless you go on a monday perhaps.

- there is a very large selection of food options -- in fact, the menu's so big that you can't see the other people at your table while you're reading it. although, we can't honestly say that a lot of the options on the menu are things that we'd actually want to eat.

- the service was great -- very friendly and attentive.

- conveniently located next to bubba's sulky lounge -- so if you don't feel like waiting in line at bintliff's, you can go there for spam and eggs instead. or if you find yourself waking up in bubba's bathroom after a crazy 80's night, you can just go next door for a stiff hair of the dog (they have lots of drink options at bintliff's).

the food

the benny girl
- the vegetable benedict (two poached eggs with portabellas and a crap ton of other veggies on an english muffin with hollandaise), 1.5 pieces of bacon, homies, part of a gingerbread pancake with lemon syrup, and tea
- grade: B

"in all honesty, i have pretty mixed feelings about bintliff's. it's one of those places that i really want to like more than i actually do. on one hand, the service is always really good and it has a great "brunchy" atmosphere -- meaning that it's one of those restaurants that you'd feel really comfortable eating a nice long sunday morning meal in...complete with jazzy music and comfy booths. oh, and the back patio is a pretty fabulous spot in the warm weather. but on the other hand, i haven't always been all that impressed with the food and i think it's really expensive. somehow, all of the sides and beverages you have to order to get a nice solid meal seem to compound exponentionally and all of the sudden the check comes and you realize that you might not be able to pay rent this month because of the eggs and tri-tater homies that you just scarfed down. i wonder if bintliff's actually hires dishwashers, or if all of the dishes are just cleaned by the many people that are unable to pay their tab. that probably saves quite a bit on their labor costs. one other thing that bothers me about bintliff's is their complete lack of a waiting area. instead of using the very small amount of space on the first floor for a comfy space to wait for a table, they decided to cram three extra tables in there...leaving all of the people on the waiting list stuck right inside the door next to the stairs. frankly it just gets a little old constantly opening the door for others, repeatedly stepping outside so that people can exit through the door that you're stuck standing in front of, and having total strangers pin you against the wall as they squeeze by you. they really ought to rethink that layout. luckily, we didn't have to wait all that long -- about 20 minutes, which isn't bad for bintliff's on a sunday. we were seated upstairs, thank god. i've sat at the little tables downstairs and they suck. it always feels like you're being hovered over by all of the people on the waiting list who have nowhere else to stand except on top of you. after we were seated in a very comfy booth, our friendly and charming server andrew came over to greet us and take our drink order. immediately we could tell that he was a master of the art of serving that our poor chump at frog & turtle failed so miserably at -- he was polite, sassy, slightly flirtatious, fun, friendly, personable, professional, and attentive all at once. unlike mr. socially awkward, potty-mouthed, sketchy spice over in westbrook. we all liked him instantly. he gave us the perfect amount of time to contemplate the menu options before returning with our beverages and to collect our food orders. funny thing happened here. he brought me a nice mug with a pretty tea bag in it, along with mini honey and milk pitchers...but he forgot the hot water. i didn't really notice that until he had left the table, so when he came back a few minutes later, i asked him if i could please have some hot water for my tea. he looked slightly stunned by his oversight, but rebounded quickly and perfectly with some ice-breaking joke that also assumed total responsibility for the mistake. in other words, he did NOT say anything like "that's bullshit. that's total bullshit on my part." nice change of pace, i gotta say. the food came pretty quickly. i decided to order a benedict, since last time we reviewed bintliff's i broke the norm and got an omelette, which was a huge mistake as you might recall. the meal was yet another thing that i had mixed feelings about. on one hand, the english muffin was grilled perfectly, the veggies were plentiful and well-cooked, and the hollandaise was great. but on the other hand, the eggs were poached hard (BIG faux pas in the eyes of any benedict patron other than the usual, who is just weird when it comes to eggs) and the homefries were just kind of a pile of tri-colored mash. they really could have been a lot better than they were. oh, and the bacon was pretty over-cooked. ooh, but the pancake was really yummy. just the right amount of gingerbread flavor and the syrup was reminiscent of lemon meringue pie. you know, i'm not really sure what else to say about this experience. i think we were all hoping that our review would be monumentally different if we ate there again on a non-monday...but it wasn't all that much better. i'll probably still go back there again -- after i save up about 3 months worth of allowance. what can i say? i'm a sucker for patios that are like tree houses and it's still a cozy place to enjoy a leisurely sunday meal with good people. and i also have a slight crush on our server." 

the usual
- 2 eggs over-hard, homemade white toast, homefries, mimosa and coffee
- grade: B-/C+

"oh bintliff's i sincerely thought that we had done you wrong you in our first review, that we had just chosen the wrong day to grace you with our glorious presence. but alas, i'm not sure that is the case. let me explain. although we didn't initially plan to brunch at bintliff's, i was ready and willing to fork over the dough and try this place again. we arrived during the mid-brunch hustle-bustle and were greeted by the friendly host. the wait was maybe 15 minutes, which isn't bad considering bintliff's position as one of portland's "best" brunch establishments. meanwhile, i checked out the décor, which was antique? country-living? i'm a little unsure. there were definitely dried flowers and topiarys scattered about, making me feel a little like i'd stepped into someone's overly-powdered, check-pinching grandmother's house. otherwise the atmosphere was nice, with warm lighting and framed photos on the walls. we nestled into our cozy booth beneath the eves and were promptly handed menus the size of small children. our server arrived and was an instantaneous hit. after ordering coffee i settled in to check out the options. after careful menu perusal, i realized that "the usual" actually looked like the best bet on the menu, not a good sign. my other possibility was the veggie florentine, but it was unfortunately decked out with parmesan bacon sauce instead of hollandaise. so, i got the usual. after our fantastic server informed me that i couldn't get a "bayside breeze" due to an unfortunate grapefruit juice outage, i settled on a plain old mimosa to quench my morning thirst. it was good, pretty standard. our food arrived quickly and i had high hopes that the monumental beacon of bintliff's would finally shine through, revealing what everyone loved about this place. my eyes widened excitedly as my almost comically large plate was set in front of me, my mouth hoping for glory. and what can i say? it wasn't glorious. it wasn't monumental. it wasn't even really notable. The  homies were a smush of otherwise beautiful tubers, requiring multiple applications of s&p. it's sad, but sometimes people forget to put the "fry" in homefries and in this case i was presented with home-mush. my toast had great potential, a thick-cut slice of homemade white clinging to the side of the plate. it's potential fell flat however when i realized that it was in dire need of butter and that there was none available. yes, our server was extremely accommodating and would certainly have brought butter had i asked. but honestly, why should we have to ask for butter? for TOAST? on to the eggs. they started out fine, pretty tasty in fact. i was wary after my last bintliff's experience of non-over-hard eggs and so i examined the yolk carefully. although they weren't as hard as i would have maybe liked, they were definitely adequate. all was going well until i bit into a pocket of uncooked whites and all hell broke loose in my mouth. there are times when i can deal with slightly runny yolk, but whites however should never be runny in an "over-hard" egg. unless the cook is trying to kill me with grossness. Apparently bintliff's is unaware that when an egg is cooked "over-hard," all of the egg parts should be solid. it should be completely cooked. all the way through. and honestly, it's not that hard to do. anyway. the rest of my bintliff's experience was good, our server was the perfect combo of friendly and sassy and i would have to say, he was one of the best we've encountered. score one for bintliff's."

wild toast
-"the acadian" (an omelet with andouille sausage, red onion, baby spinach, and pepperjack) uber thick white toast, homefries, coffee, bloody mary, and some bacon 
- grade: B

"if only the white heart had been open at 10…but alas we decided to (2 x re)-view good ol' bintliff's. or at least what we were hoping would be good bintliff's. after a bit of a wait where my stomach growled and asked for some cheese for its wine we were seated upstairs with a lovely view of the much needed rain dripping on the deck. squirrels donned raincoats, birds feathered their paddles, and i went snorkeling about in my bloody mary, which would soon arrive garnished with a flock of migratory olives branched and speared on the overarching forest of my celery. (sorry socially awkward huevos, but celery, while never declared as a strong candidate for the "life-time achievement award", still holds a dignified and honorable place in the vegetable kingdom (or should i say kingdom: plantae, class: magnoliopsida, order: apiales, family: apiaceae (or umbelliferae), genus: apium, species: graveolens)) ah…so…where was i… ah yes, so our pleasant server, always giving funny estimates of how much time we could expect our food, or drinks to arrive, "that'll be 2-4 minutes for your pancake" "that's gonna be about 39 to 262 seconds til you get your coffee..." kept us stocked with the goodies of his service and even sat down to discuss a quiz i was giving benny girl which included such highlights as "Q.what is my favorite color A. blue" and "Q. what was the score of the sox game last night? A. 2-1 rays" neither of which benny girl answered correctly. so then at some point our food arrived and i happily dug in to my omelet. now there are 2 things i must try to remember, one is that from now on i should not order andouille sausage because i don't think i like it, even if i tell myself i do, and i don't really love omelets. this last confession comes with some grief as i have many fond memories of omelets from my youth, when i was yet an aspiring breakfast connoisseur and would add 100 varietal cheeses, 200 leafy vegetables (including our fond apium) , 2 bottles of "dr. bronner's cayenne all purpose wash-it or sauce-it sauce", 1600 ears of corn, a peck of pickled eggs (discounted from marden's), a herd of hungry hungry hippos and a side of soggy salad. but those are but moments of my youth, and today i must move on, forge ahead, and try my mushy looking pile of potatoes. and in fact, in all reality, my tri-tater canyon was disappointing. as my loyal fans will understand, a homefry is a homefry when, and if, and only when it is crisped, browned, seasoned, and most importantly loved. friends, what i am obliged to spell out for you is that i did not love this pile of muddled starch. and how did my toast stand up? well, let me just say that I didn't finish it. it was thick, it was white, it was hardly buttered, and i thought it just wasn't what the doctor ordered. and my omelet, that was good. it really was, even for a recent andouille-me-no-liky candidate as my self, and a closet omelet-I don't really care for this incarnation of egg person such as myself, the omelet was tasty. and the service kept on in keeping, with just enough coffee refills, even if they had to fill a little vessel from an airpot because that's the best they can do (really it's a strange thing in my opinion) and in general my overall experience was fine. not what it is always built up to be, but fine. and leaving bintiliff's, after spilling benny girl's cream on the floor, i took off my snorkel and hit the no longer dusty trail to marden's."
 
socially awkward huevos
- veggie homefries with baby spinach, tomato, mushroom, asparagus, onion, red pepper, broccoli and zucchini over three potato home fries with parmesan and two eggs over medium on top of homemade white toast, two bites of gingerbread pancakes with warm lemon syrup and a bellini the "Italian mimosa: champagne and peach juice
- grade: B

"after becoming the self-appointed door person for exiting customers, i was a bit scared by the decor. i have always had a problem with forest green and maroon dried eucalyptus leaves used as decoration. bintliff's decorator didn't seem to share my hatred as they were all over the place in every vase, including the one on our table-which we got to in an acceptable amount of time for sunday brunch. our friendly and relaxed waiter handed us our ginormous menus. i don't mean huge as in a lot to choose from, i mean huge in that i could not see the usual across the booth from me- this is not conducive to talking about what you might or might not want to order at all. after deciding that i would not rock the boat and order anything vaguely lunch-like i chose the veggie home fries, it sounded like a great combination of yummy veggies and standard breakfast eggs and potatoes. i also decided to let the boozer in me out and ordered a large breakfast cocktail. my first choice was denied by the waiter due to a lack of grapefruit juice (what?), so I went for a peach bubbly concoction that when came to the table was very bubbly and tasted good i think. i could be wrong as i was at that point taken aback by the architectural celery olive spire sticking out of wild toast's bloody mary. i am never, i repeat never impressed by celery but the fun little olives sticking off the side of the stalk made me for ever a brief second think that i wanted a bite of that putrid veggie. i then came back to reality and realized celery is the devil even when disguised with delicious olives. our meal arrived promptly and i was impressed by the size of the portion, there was a lot of food on that plate. The veggies were yummy, seasoned very well, though I only saw one leaf of baby spinach on top of my fork during the whole meal. the home fries were a bit soggy and at first I was willing to say it was due to the veggies that lay on top but in conferring with my tablemates i found out that they were born that way. eggs were the perfect amount of runny in the over medium world. the toast was a bit dry and overly thick but tasted good enough that i ate the whole piece. my two bites of the gingerbread pancake were yummy very sweet. i do not think I could ever eat a whole order of them, but they were yummy. all in all my meal and my company were good, the company by far better then the food, and I wonder if the company might have made the food seem better then it actually was."

dining date: 04.20.08
eatery: on the very precarious corner of washington avenue and veranda, near the 295 off-ramp
pricing category: the complete opposite of expensive -- NOTE: cash and personal checks only
guest critic: dropsy mcfumbleones & tango and hash
overall grade:A-

the lowdown:
- maybe we just missed the "church crowd" -- or maybe there's no such thing a "church crowd" at steve & renee's -- but it was very nice to be seated immediately upon entering. in fact, we weren't seated. we seated ourselves. which was even better.

- more pinch pots than we've seen in quite awhile.

- the tables are covered with old newspaper tablecloths...but somehow it's cooler than when subway used to do that.

- this diner has a great "neighborhoody" feel. there are framed personal photos scattered about, and we were able to participate in a restaurant-wide, cheerful, rousing rendition of "happy birthday" to jen on the 40th anniversary of her birth.

- very comfortable place to eat a no frills, yet totally solid, quality diner breakfast. no pretensions here.

- the menu is littered with fabulous little cartoony illustrations that are reason enough to check this place out. and just for the record, the middle one on the left side of the menu is a little kid on a man's shoulders...not a very skinny, disproportioned dr. seuss character.

- very friendly and attentive wait staff with some maternal instincts...meaning we knew that they were taking good care of us and they called us "sweetie" the whole time.

- the lowdown of this lowdown is that we've totally hit the nail on the head.

the food

the benny girl
- the 3 special (two eggs over-medium, bacon, homies and english muffin), tea, half of a mickey mouse pancake, and two bites of a cinnamon bun
- grade: A-

"i've definitely seen this diner about a million times, but have never actually eaten there. i think the location kind of deters me, if we're being totally honest. first of all, it's in a mini strip mall with only a laundromat and a nail salon - and those of you who know me best know that those two businesses are tied with wal-mart and hummer dealerships on the top of my "last places on the planet that i would ever step foot in" list. second, it's located on one of the weirdest, slightly-lethal-in-the-context-of-potential-traffic-accidents corners in portland. it's just an awkward spot. and it's right off the highway, but is not a truck stop...which is the only kind of place that i generally enjoy eating breakfast while also having a view of heavy traffic on multiple lanes. okay, i'm exaggerating. you can't actually see the highway, and it's definitely located right past the off-ramp, but still. not necessarily the most enticing area of portland to want to venture over to on a sunday morning. however, thanks to this glorious The Breakfast Club column, this morning i finally stopped judging a book by its cover...or by the other books around it on the shelf, actually. steve & renee's really is a great neighborhood spot. there wasn't even a single second of a wait when we arrived (although i have no idea if that's normal or just a random lucky fluke), and the servers were prompt, attentive, and friendly from the get-go. i was happy to see that there wasn't an eggs benedict dish on the menu -- i tend to get anticipatory anxiety about the digestive aftermath of bennies from diners before the first bite even touches my lips. so i breathed a sigh of relief and ordered a version of the usual's signature item, which is honestly my favorite thing to order in diners anyway. i have to say, i really appreciated that they give you the option of having your english muffin either toasted or grilled...especially after my gray slop of an english muffin at pukey's on commercial street. anyway, the eggs were cooked perfectly and the yolks were a great condiment for my muffins. [enter vomit sound emitting from the mouth of the usual here]. the homies, while clearly made in  bulk like most diners do, were really good. well grilled and just the right combination of crispiness and tenderness. i asked the usual if she/he wanted to split the mickey mouse pancake with me...not really because i wanted to eat a pancake (you know how we feel about them), but only because i really wanted to see it. it was just too cunnin' to me that it was even on the menu -- how could i resist?! check out the photo if you don't believe me -- mickey's so cute...albeit slightly stoned-looking, but hey - it is 4/20 after all. and it was pretty tasty too...as far as pancakes go. kind of flat and chewy...although that could have more to do with the fact that we waited about 20 minutes to eat it. oh, and the bacon was alright -- nothing spectacular, even on the "diner bacon spectrum" but not terrible either. just pretty nondescript, which is not what i generally like to say about my favorite food in the world. okay, and lastly, i have to say that the tea was by far the best that i've ever had in a diner. she brought me a sidecar pot of hot water! i was very pleased, i must say. so yeah. if you live in the outer washington / veranda street area, or you're out for a sunday stroll on back bay, then you should definitely check out this friendly spot. i promise it will be the best 5 bucks you spend all day. and maybe if you're lucky, the dive bar across the street will be open when you're done eating and you can have a yummy pbr for dessert."

the usual
- 2 eggs over-hard, wheat toast, homefries, 2 mickey mouse pancake ears and coffee
- grade: A-
 
"nobody that i know seems to have eaten at steve and renee's before, much less know where it is. i myself used to confuse it with kathy and dave's, in that they are both diners with fairly generic pairings of men's and women's names. names aside and despite it's low profile, steve and renee's is chock full of character, charm and attitude. with photos on the wall and a long welcoming bar for the regulars, the decor is homey without being overly cluttered and garage sale-ish, something that many establishments seem to struggle with. after squishing our five bodies into a table clearly meant for four, our lovely server offered up beverages and brought waters all around. things were going swimmingly and only got better when i opened up the menu. what did i find smack dab at number one? the usual. for a thrifty and endearing $2.89. honestly, that just might be the cheapest 'the usual' in town. anyway, i ordered up my namesake. the table across from us was celebrating a birthday and i was feeling so cozy and neighborly that i even sang along with them as they congratulated jen, something i wouldn't normally partake in. it's amazing what friendly service and frequent coffee refills can do sometimes. on to the food. it arrived hot and fast and with all the condiments that you might need for your journey. no waiting around for a tiny cup of ketchup while your homies get cold here, steve and renee's prepares you with pointy sharpshooter bottles of both ketchup and syrup and throws in a jumbo bottle of tabasco to boot. my eggs were perfect, nicely over-hard. the toast was just great, thicker than i'd thought it would be for a diner and extremely well-buttered. they even presented it with both buttered sides up, something that's unheard of but extremely sensible in that your butter ratios don't get skewed due to upside-down toast positioning. i appreciated it anyway. the homefries didn't let me down either. i was given a generous portion and they use red potatoes, which are my favorite. although the taters were perfectly cooked, they had little in the way of seasoning forcing me to load on the salt and pepper. a tad bit of pre-dining flavor thrown in there wouldn't hurt anybody, and might just liven it up a little. the coffee was ok, nothing spectacular except for the fact that it was plentiful and fresh. two of my favorite coffee qualities. all in all, steve and renee's cooks up a tasty meal and pairs it with friendly service, leaving its happy patrons with happy stomachs and happy wallets, a perfect combination."

wild toast

-2 eggs over easy, homefries, italian sausage, marble rye, coffee, water, a good time and mickey mouse's nose
- grade: B+/A-

"getting off the highway onto washington ave, i was a little weary of our choice, to dine at steve and renee's. the 70's-style mini strip mall, a good whiffle ball shot from the highway and cornered by chip's subaru and that other dealership with used volvos and late model mercury tracers doesn't holler "hey you, get some grub, have some fun, enjoy meatloaf and a butter bun!" and yet it nearly did. (ok, i'll confess, i'm not sure if they had meatloaf but it seems like they could and i'm not exactly even sure what a butter bun is, but i bet they have it.) so anyway. as my fellow breakfasting fellows have surely made clear, we were all pretty pleased when we had a fine dining time. our table was clad with a nice tablecloth of old and forgotten tabloids and adloids which were entertaining, at least for a couple of seconds. our tag-teamed service was friendly and compliant, and topped off our coffees with enough frequency that i didn't really even have to think about it. my meal, a daily special, a wild choice, of italian sausage, eggs, toast and homies was the perfect amount for me to take down. the sausages had a little kick, the toast marbled and buttery and eggs fried just enough. then there were the homies. i ate them all, even though they weren't seasoned, but they were griddled and occasionally browned, and that is a good state for a homefry to be in. other than that they had an enormous bottle of tabasco, a refillable 'sharp shooter' of ketchup, pinch pots and other ceramic treasures, and the generous hum-drum of a loyal crowd. so i would recommend dropping by this unsuspecting, unpretentious eatery, especially if you can swing over to mackworth for a lovely walk to settle your homies, eggs, and your toast."

dropsy mcfumbleones
- one pancake, one egg, one sausage, one piece of bacon and coffee (from the tiny tots menu)
- grade: A-
 
"there is nothing in the world that i like more than pancakes. seriously, nothing. let me back up to say that, based on the name, i was expecting a home with a white sign and gold script that only serves french food but pleased to see the old dive strip mall, a locale that i thought had been abandoned for years. back to the pancakes. i ordered the pancakes. better yet, i ordered, from the tiny tots menu, (major kudos to florence for allowed me to do so) the onesie meal. from ordering to delivery, mere minutes, i managed to drop my fork on the floor and tip over my full glass of water (again, kudos to florence for her "don't worry honey. it's just water..." i love you flo.) my pancake was diner typical, if not a little sub par. it was face-sized, golden brown and relatively forgettable. i am disappointed to report that the non-displayed side of the cake was slightly burnt, though not quite an endearing crisp. i promptly emptied my egg on the pancake like syrup and was pleased with the egg's performance, but when i attempted to "cut" the pancake by dragging my fork across it but it just bounced back to being whole, much to my chagrin. the taste made up for the relatively bouncy consistency, delighting my taste buds with thick, decadent flapjack goodness smothered in i cant believe its not butter and egg goo sauce. perfect. my meats were both as expected - very crisp, mini and meaty. (note: mini is not intended as a backhanded dis but rather as gracious praise for not overfilling me with rather unhealthy, sunday-killing fried meat.) i dropped my bacon on the floor as well but ate it anyway, which can attest to my comfort level of the cleanliness of steve and renee, a diner miracle. overall, my pancake was slightly rubbery but totally satisfying and rather standard, the floor bacon and sausage were little nuggets of guilty pleasures without going overboard and the egg... what egg? the sauce was a protein power play of perfection. this meal is good enough for your kids and cheap enough that you shouldn't worry about it. "

tango and hash
- cinnamon bun, 2 eggs over-medium, corn beef hash, white toast, homefries and  coffee
- grade: B+
 
"steve and renee's was a great place to stumble into groggy-eyed and not yet in full command of my vocabulary.  the all middle-aged female wait staff was upbeat and salty (in a good way) and were prompt in serving coffee, water and taking our orders.  i decided to warm up my esophagus and stomach with a cinnamon bun which was strangely dedicated to some cousin's memory (i don't get it either).  anywho, the cinnamon bun was served shortly after ordering with ample delicious frosting.  i am pretty sure it was not a homemade bun but sometimes food out of a box is just what the doctor ordered and for $1.29, the doctor was in the house.  the meal arrived and was pretty much exactly what you would expect from an establishment such as this.  the corn beef hash was of the canned variety and was good if that is what you are looking for.  the home fries were red potatoes liberally cut into decent sized chunks, nothing too special there but once again good especially with ketchup.  the eggs were cooked to order and the toast came out with an appropriate amount of butter.  i was unable to finish the entire meal indicating that the amount of food was sufficient and there was still coffee in my cup when we left.  in summary, steve and renee's was fantastic in its standarditity and a great place to go for average breakfast food, cooked well, priced cheap and served in a welcoming and accepting environment."

the lowdown:

- even though we like the name of this "gastro pub," we all tend to call it "the new uffa!" or "the old chickie's"...that should tell you where it's located and who owns it.

- they did a good job with the complete remodeling of this former diner / music venue -- it looks totally different than chickie's did. however, the decor is a little too mismatched for our taste (read: ruffly flowered curtains, big green drapes, sleek leather couch, and neon miller high life sign all in one establishment).

- great waiting area that feels like a comfy living room in the thick of the restaurant. you're not stuck standing by the door while you wait (which is very nice) and the servers were extremely attentive with coffee and wait time updates while we lounged.

- great music played the whole time we were there, which definitely contributed to the fun, laid-back environment. it was a very enjoyable place to spend two point five hours of our sunday.

-  plenty of free parking out back, and since they will openly tell you that they don't have a defribulator on premise, you might want to work off your breakfast and exercise your heart by taking a lovely stroll on the river walking path across the street.

- when you go to the bathroom at the f & t, be sure to look for the "framed full monty." you'll know what we're talking about when you see it -- trust us, it's worth it.

- because this was such a monumental event, we are breaking convention right now, and would like to share one epic aspect of our meal in the low-down:

midway through our meal, much to our dismay, the usual overheard our server tell the table next to us that they were out of homemade doughnuts. he also listed off the variations they usually offer, and included a bacon-wrapped doughnut on the list. when we asked him if they actually offer that option, he said no but always hopes that someone will take him seriously and order one when he offers it in jest. we told him earnestly that we would have. his eyes widened and sparkled with jubilation as he exclaimed "fuck!" and ran off. he then returned to the table excitedly and told us that the pastry chef "found" one last doughnut and would wrap it in bacon if we were actually serious. straight-faced, we told him to bring it on. while we were waiting for our chocolate-filled, bacon-wrapped doughnut, we had two different servers come over to confirm the rumors that they'd just heard about some table actually ordering that joke. see photos to view our amazing dessert in all it's glory. chocolate, bacon. sweet, salty. being pioneers in our own right. priceless.

the food

the benny girl
- traditional eggs benedict, homies, greens, one piece of bacon, a half a piece of bacon, mimosa, tea, and one quarter of a bacon-wrapped, chocolate-filled, chocolate-covered doughnut
- grade: A

"today marks the second episode in our "field trip series." in case you hadn't noticed, last week we ventured to south portland and today we made the trek all the way out to westbrook. having grown up in portland, i make it a point to never go to this smelly, neighboring mill town if i can help it. oh wait. the mill's been closed for years, it doesn't really smell there anymore, and they're doing a lot to spruce up the town. well, whatever. old reputations die hard, and i still effin' hate westbrook. i hope the f & t realizes the personal sacrifice i made for the sake of reviewing their establishment. when we arrived, there was a bit of a wait for a table of 5 (understandably). as suggested by the very friendly host, we took a seat on the comfy couches and enjoyed the pleasures of people-watching, sipping coffee, and reading gourmet magazines. i was definitely impressed with the attentive and friendly service while we waited. after about 20 minutes, we were seated at a table in the back of the restaurant. moments later, our server arrived and thus began a series of head-scratching/jaw-dropping, semi-hilarious, review-worthy interactions with our waiter. it began with his answer to a question we didn't ask him, interrupted by his hiccups. when i then ordered a tea with honey and milk, he looked at me and said "yeah, don't really know about the honey. can't make any promises" in a rather put out way. not so impressed with that response -- not gonna lie. he then proceeded to bring all of our many beverages to the table one at a time. can't say that was the most efficient system that he could've chosen, but hey -- to each his own. one of his many trips to our table resulted in a cup of tea in front of me, and a comment of "i have someone working on the honey situation." since i wasn't aware that i had given him the mission impossible, i was definitely intrigued by that statement. about 10 minutes later, he brought a container of honey to the table. when i went to pour it, i realized that the seal inside had not yet been broken and when he saw me cut open the seal with wild toast's knife, our server said "is it not open yet? oh that's bullshit. that's total bullshit on my part." my shock at his cavalier attitude about swearing at his patrons was mixed with gratitude at his ability to accept ownership for the poor presentation of honey (something that he obviously knows to be important to me). after he left the table, we all discussed the possibility that they could have actually gone out to buy my honey on the spot...considering how long it took him to bring it to me. of course, this speculation was never actually confirmed, but we all like to think that it did happen and we commend them for the extra special customer service. and speaking of customer service...the other employees at the f & t were fabulous -- very attentive and brought refills, friendly conversation, and smiles repeatedly to our table. okay. i realize that i've spent quite a bit of time talking about our server, but let me pause to clarify for a second. i do think that his intentions were good -- he was attempting to be casual, fun, and sassy with us. and while he pulled it off slightly a couple of times, most of the time his attempts fell flat and left us feeling a little aghast and rather awkward. as someone who used to wait tables, i just think it's best to feel out your table before you throw out the sarcasm and faux-irritation. and, most importantly, the only time you should EVER say "bullshit" twice, "fuck" twice, and talk incessantly about consuming alcohol when you're serving strangers, is if the people you're waiting on are the punks who mugged you last week and you recognize their scummy faces as being your assailants who left you bloody and broke. or if you have tourettes. but you know, even though he was definitely lacking that jenesaisquoi that you look for in a server, he actually carved out a little soft spot in my heart. i kinda liked him by the end of the meal. maybe it was because he looked like a kid on christmas when we ordered the bacon doughnut, or maybe it was just nice to have a little ballsy sauciness from a server in a world where people tend to kiss your ass to get the 20%. there was definitely no ass-kissing, and he still definitely got 20%+ for his brazen, what-you-see-is-what-you-get persona. i think i can speak for the others when i say that he most certainly gets the TBC dundee for most interesting service. define that how you will. oh yeah, the food. the benedict was very good. it was served with ham, instead of the loathsome canadian bacon, which i appreciated and embraced. the stacking of the benedict was perfect and tidy. perfectly grilled english muffins underneath a tight little poached egg and a perfectly-sized dollop of hollandaise. the flavor was great and it was not at all the "sloppy mess on a plate" that makes me categorize a benny as a total flop. the homies were less like homefries and more like smashed potatoes and since i didn't have any strong feelings about them either way, i'll let my fellow TBC compadres comment more about them. i thought they were pretty tasty though. and i really like that the f & t serve their egg dishes with greens -- a very nice and healthy touch. the greens nutritionally cancelled out the grease of bacon doughnut, which is helpful. the mimosa was good and very fairly priced, and the other alcoholic beverages that i sampled at the table were all good (except for the garnish-barren red mess that sat in front of wild toast). and then there was the doughnut. grease, dough, pools of melted chocolate, bacon, and a spear holding it all together. enough said. this was a very enjoyable and epic dining experience. i would definitely go back...perhaps more frequently if it wasn't in that crappy town next door, but i would venture out there again. and just for the record, saying that i would go to westbrook for a repeat performance is about the highest praise that a restaurant can get from me. consider yourself complimented f & t."

the usual
- vegetarian florentine with spinach, tomato, and hollandaise instead of cheddar, "homefries," coffee, bocce ball, chocolate covered, bacon-wrapped doughnut
- grade: A
 
"oh the dream of a new uffa!, the hope for a new era filled with the jaunty tastiness that has been lacking since they closed, the longing for that delicious something that portland has been missing. i guess that's because it now resides in westbrook, of all places. don't get me wrong, the frog and turtle is not uffa! reborn. instead, it's like uffa!'s kid brother that just turned 19 and got a fake id--a little more laid-back and sprawly, but with uffa!'s genes for taste sensation. although the f&t takes reservations, we neglected to make one, which is just how we roll. the wait however, was fine with me. the wonderful host showed us to the comfy couches where we were able to order beverages while we waited. by the time our table was ready, i was so cozy i'd almost forgotten there was more to the experience than relaxing on couches sipping coffee. once we arrived at our table, i was a little unsure that i could fit into my chair due to it's tight proximity to the neighboring man. after some table scootching, i squeezed in and got pumped for some tasty breakfast. as i browsed the menu, i waited on a refill for my empty mug with mediocre but decent coffee. minutes stretched into more minutes. our server arrived and promised to return with more brew. wild toast's bloody came, the minutes passed. our server arrived again coffee-less, and remembered he forgot benny girl's honey. minutes passed. no coffee. we finally managed to snag the busy host who obliged our antzy table with what we needed. phew. somewhere in there i also managed to order the 'bocce ball,' a delicious combo of amaretto, oj and soda water served in a traditional bocce ball shaped glass. and here, i suppose i should discuss the oddness of our server, maybe. maybe not. i'm sure everyone else will. i will just note that maybe he should tone down the swearing and drinking references. and that although i enjoy sassy-ness in all facets of my life, you must have some sort of normal rapport with your customers before you start goading them and swearing. so there's that. our server did win some major points in regard to the bacon doughnut experience. on to the food. after another customer-induced coffee refill, the food arrived, and oh did it look spectacular. my florentine looked beautiful. i had asked for hollandaise instead of cheddar, and i can't imagine why they wouldn't normally serve it that way when hollandaise is clearly the superior choice. in the midst of ordering and dealing with this cheddar/hollandaise debacle, i had forgotten to ask for my eggs to be poached hard, and let me tell you readers, i powered through, and even enjoyed my normally poached eggs. sometimes i just blow my own mind. next to my perfect florentine sat some tasty greens and a small smattering of 'homefries.' yes, i used quotes right there. do not go to the frog and turtle in search of homies. the 'homefries' are actually smushy, well-seasoned potatoes. and they are very tasty, they just aren't homefries. overall, the f&t will woo you with deliciousness and good times. it'll make you wonder why they aren't located in downtown portland, or why you don't live in westbrook. maybe. oh, and the bacon-wrapped doughnut. well. that was an experience this vegetarian will not soon forget."

wild toast

- cajun bam-bam (two poached eggs on top of sausage and grilled english muffin with salsa and sour cream), homefries, greens, water, coffee, and a whiffle ball...syke, it was a bloody mary
- grade: A-

"westbrook, with its smoke stacks and commuters, isn't exactly shouting out to be a hot destination spot, but for the excuse of eating a tasty brunch, it's worth it. we arrived and were offered over-stuffed cowches for our wait, and were offered, which i accepted and started things off with a good cup of joe. 20 minutes later, we were seated and started on what would turn out to be a very memorable experience. our kind, hiccupping, not-exactly-attentive, perhaps inexperienced, swearing-like-a-sailor, but friendly server, came up and was all over the place with his anecdotes of wine-tasting and bacon-wrapped doughnuts, and his continual banter. having heard that "the man behind the bar" was voted the best bloody crafter in town, i had to try his notorious b to the mary. witnessing a few bloodies prepared during our comfy stay on the couches, i was pretty bummed when my b.m. showed up sans lemon, lime, and cucumber wedge. was it because they had inconveniently run out of that marvelous trifecta of wedgenaciousness? all at the same time?! well, this line of questioning was extinguished when one of my fellow reviewers ordered one that not only had all the fixins, but also looked darker, richer, more manly, and generally tastier. upon comparative sips, i concluded that my bloody mary was not so merry and was prepared by an inexperienced tomato-grower from the land of lacking, and not by the handsome, prize-winning, chopped, puppet master behind the bar. so, i know that they have a good bloody mary because i tried one, but mine was not up to par. so that inconsistency behind me, i thought i'd drink some coffee. but wait! my mug was empty, and in fact, we had to request refills every time, which obviously we don't want to be forced into doing. moving on, my meal arrived, and overall, it was excellent. i had the cajun bam-bam, which while not reminiscent of scrimp or even of much spiciness, was totally awesome poached eggs over sausage and a grilled english muffin. it really was delicious. my "homefries" were the least exciting factor, as they were mushy bits of potato that i sort of ate around. i did split a side of bacon with the benny girl, which i thought was quite tasty. and then we found out from our hiccupping pirate-prince of a waiter that we could get a doughnut, and upon accepting the offer of a bacon-wrapped, chocolate-dipped, artery-binding doughnut, our server was pleased as punch. so, overall, i would certainly consider going again, however, i hope ol' long-john silver buckles down and can be a little more attentive, and i would hope to get the real deal on the bloody mary next time."

veggin' like your mother's fruitbowl
- water, coffee, bloody mary, omelette with caramelized onions, mushrooms, spinach and brie, homefries, toast (with jam, once requested) and one bite of bacon-free chocolate-sauced homemade doughnut
- food grade: A- / service grade: B+
 
"well, my arrival at the f&t was jump-started with an impromptu phone call to my part-time job letting them know that i have been virus-stricken for four days now and therefore work just wasn't going to happen today… i really just wanted a bloody mary.  the period between waiting for a table on the comfy leather couch and ordering our food is a rather blurred memory now; nevertheless, a few blips on the radar include our water bringing the drink order one drink at a time, his declaration of the unopened honey jar as 'bullshit on my part,' and the frigid ice-chest temperature at our back wall table.  the music, however, notably improved the atmosphere.  so, i was served my small, but welcomed mug of coffee – the brew was good, but not extraordinary.  my biggest comment regarding the coffee is that we had to request refills every time, no joke.  my bloody mary arrived some time later, thankfully with its proper garnishes that my compadre's drink was missing.  i feel obliged to confess that this was my first bloody mary experience so i have no basis for comparison.  having tasted wild toast's drink, i found mine remarkably better – thick, tangy, heady with horseradish and most importantly, properly garnished.  this drink even stirred in me the inspiration to concoct my own spiked beverage… i had visions of pineapple-coconut juice with cachaça, garnished with a leg of aloe.  shaken, not stirred.  our plates arrived in good time and mine was more than adequately filled.  knowing the importance of vitamins and fiber, i first dove into my 'greens' accompaniment.  please note that the side of greens was a contributing factor to my choice of ordering the omelette, so maybe you will better understand my slight disappointment.  i managed to eat them all, but suffered the thirst of ten thousand shipwrecked pirates; so i say no thanks to salty salad.  next… to the potatoes, which were, come to find out, in no way the 'homefries' that the menu promised.  they offered a pleasing portion of pepperiness but were simply way too mashy.  fortunately, the omelette was first class.  it was professionally folded and claimed at least half the surface of the plate.  i have to say i was impressed by the allowance of four ingredients – and the inclusion of caramelized onions (one of my all-time favourite ingredients) on the list of options.  major points there.  also, the omelette was generously stuffed, and i could tell that the baby spinach leaves had been delicately wilted with care.  merci, monsieur chef d'omelette.  wrapping up my first review as a guest critic –thank you TBC- a few words to our waiter.  newsflash! buddy-boy, profanity is not acceptable at the table, no matter how hip your customers.  i guess you gave it your best shot- maybe you were a little off today, maybe you're just green; you do have a certain blundering charm, i'll try not to be too mean.  to the f&t: i think it really says something about a food establishment when one has to wave one's mug or twirl one's glass to catch the eye of, not one's own waiter, but of the host and other distant waiters in order to gain the usual 'goes without saying' regularly-timed rounds of refills.  i have to ask, how established are y'all?  and please, if you don't preview the politeness-proficiency of your waiters, either routinely wash their mouths out with soap or send them off to finishing school.  just so i don't feel like i'm a horribly negative, judgmental oppressor, i prostrate before you and pledge that i shall return – it was well worth playing hooky, popping my bloody mary cherry and slapping down my twenty bucks."

sister pamplemouse
- egg scramble with tomato, scallion and brie on croissant, coffee, oj, pamplemouse
- food grade: A / service grade: B
 
"while not exactly a buddhist nun (but rather sister to the toast; and definitely not any other kind of nun), i became convinced that i want to serve a pamplemouse (enter correct spelling here) to my ladies-in-waiting while getting primped and gussed for my upcoming wedding. what is a pamplemouse, you ask? grapefruit juice and champagne - served in fluted glass and looking lovely in pink. it was that good. and though that was not the caliber of elegance the meal began with or continued with throughout, there were shreds and shards of elegance poking through the brunch experience. one such shard being the melted brie pocketed among scrambled eggs and tomatoes and scallions heaped enticingly upon a bed of toasted croissant. delicious. not as delectable, however, were the not-quite-homefries, which would have been grand had they but held a consistency closer to their namesake instead of soft nearly mashed tatties. though the seasoning was quite a bit more lovely than the overly salted salad greens, which added a nice appeal to the arrangement of the plate's goods, but lacked the carry through in flavor. the final touch of elegance upon the plate was the small cluster of red grapes that were joyously devoured by this sister to the toast. the egg scramble was delicious from start to finish. contrasting quite sharply to the simple elegance of the scramble, grapes and pamplemouse (insert correct spelling here...that's how they spelled it on the menu), was the service. upon walking in we were greeted cordially and directed to sit in the center of the establishment on deep, comfortable leather sofas while waiting for a table to open. surrounded by an eclectic mix of wooden and wood-stained decor, two beautiful bunches of seeming wildflowers (albeit looking hastily thrust into glass vases and not meticulously arranged - as noted by one intimately familiar with the long drawn out process of the practice of ikebana), we were quickly asked by a friendly waiter (there were no female wait-staff) if we would like anything to drink. three out of five of us ordered coffee, and we all appreciated the service. after about 15-20 minutes sitting there, we were offered a table, but by then i had almost forgotten we were there to eat, only because i was so comfortable that it seemed i was just at a coffeehouse. by that time we had decided that the decor was inconsistent but a much nicer place than what it had been before. having no context for that, being the buddhist visitor to the toast that i was, i simply noted that it felt nice, clean, attractive and inviting within. just to note, i thought the curtains were lovely, if out of place. we were brought to a table near a wall of windows which, at first proved to provide a measure of chill, and we remained bundled up. a series of comic errors then proceeded to erupt, but i kept my calm and watched the unfolding. i ordered a small orange juice, which came but in too large a glass and not being pulpy as i like, it did not live up to my ego filled desire for a freshly squeezed experience. but i drank it all anyway. we then wound up waiting for a very long time for coffee refills, and our friend's order of tea and honey became badly botched when the waiter tried to be too casual from the start (we whispered probably too loudly that he seemed to be drunk or hungover). honey was not to be found and when the "honey situation" was finally dealt with, not only did it appear, much to the frog and turtle's credit, and most likely bought on the  sly at that moment, but, much to the shame of that particular waiter, it hadn't been opened and senior toast had to provide a blade to remove the seal, at which point the waiter began to swear. his cussing did not cease an there were a couple of leaks into debasement that tarnished our ears. hence the elegance being occasional shards poking through an otherwise ridiculous, but enjoyable situation. the issue with the waiter was likely that he would simply benefit from training. his manner bespoke a lack of confidence and lack of dignity. this sister pamplemouse believes he would greatly benefit from training his mind with sitting meditation and his actions would therefore be of better benefit to the public consuming the food he serves. we had to ask for coffee every time we needed a refill because no one came around asking us if we'd like more. senior toast was very disappointed about a shoddy bloody mary, especially when compared to the other one served at the table, which came as advertised by the best bloody mary maker in portland - with peppered cucumber and citrus garnish. but he kept his council when the hunky side burned bartender came to congratulate us on our brave breakfast ending order of the most bizarre desert i have ever eaten - a bacon wrapped homemade donut drenched in rich chocolate fudge syrup. two other waiters in fact approached us at that time and applauded. but i get ahead of myself. we enjoyed the meal leisurely, noting the good choice of music, the tasty albeit belatedly served coffee, and the deliciousness of our drinks from the bar and the food on our plates. there were occasionally awkward visits from our waiter, naughty words and all, but the crown of hilarity was the waiter's joking offer of a bacon-wrapped donut. which, as you by now have surmised, we said we'd like to order. as a joke offer, our donut was pulled from the left-over batter (only enough for one), but for the donut itself, i will say that it and the chocolate sauce were stellar. of the bacon wrapped round it, i will say tis a once-in-a-lifetime experience, health-wise probably not encouraged more than that. rich beyond rich. but if you go to eat at the frog and turtle, the original, mind you, do not miss the pamplemouse and brie, and of course, do be sure to ask for a chocolate drenched, bacon-wrapped donut. thank you very much, dear The Breakfast Club, for inviting this sister pamplemouse to be a guest in your review, and for making room for me at your table!"

dining date: 04.05.08
eatery: on benjamin w. pickett street in south portland, right next to smcc (and yes, the street number is 158)
pricing category: a little pricey for breakfast sandwiches, but not bad when you consider the quality of ingredients
guest critic: again, just the three of us
overall grade: A-

the lowdown:

- local bakery that serves sandwiches on homemade bagels and breads...so if you’re going there for breakfast, plan on eating either an egg sandwich or a bagel with a number of different toppings...unless you get the scrambled eggs and toast.

- comfortable and welcoming atmosphere, with a slight bustle...clearly a favorite for a lot of regulars.

- hip and friendly service -- and although you order your food at the counter, someone brings it out to your table, so you’re not stuck standing around while you wait.

- it’s nice to see artwork on the walls, and there’s a really sweet bagel display made of chicken wire with piles of seeds and crumbs on the bottom -- so many, in fact, that it looks like an intentional art piece. we find this cool.

- the outdoor seating is actually way better than what you’ll find inside -- between the oasis-esque private backyard with plenty of picnic tables, and the great wooden adirondack chairs out front, it certainly pays to eat here when it’s nice out.

- they have a nice selection of beverages in the cooler, including organic juice boxes and organic chocolate milk.

the food

the benny girl
- bacon, egg, and cheese on a garlic bagel, 4/9ths of a pear and cheese danish, and tea
- grade: A

"if you don’t mind a little bit of a drive, this place is definitely worth checking out...especially when it’s nice enough to sit outside. the location is pretty incredible and right near many perfect places to stroll or play frisbee after you eat. unless you really don’t like extremely picture-esque ocean scenes, complete with lighthouses and jetties and rocky coasts...and in that case, you should just get in your car immediately after eating. walking to your car blind-folded might help. but if you do like the coast, then definitely go a little further down benjamin w. pickett street onto the smcc campus and take a look around. just don’t go into the dorms unless you have a security pass or you’re with a tour group. anyway, back to the food. or, not "back to it" necessarily, since i haven’t even started talking about it yet. one fifty ate makes really great bagels. seriously. and their choices for toppings are really good -- hummus, jam, cream cheese, NUTELLA!, egg & cheese, etc. i went with the bacon, egg, and cheese -- my old standby when i eat there. there’s a perfect amount of egg (not too skimpy and not too over-bearing) and the cheese is melted throughout the pile of scrambled yumminess. a very nice change from places that throw a microwaved egg on a bagel and slap a piece of cheese on it. the bacon was perfectly cooked and thickly cut...although one more piece would have been nice. but between the sandwich and the delicious danish, i definitely felt satisfied by the time i left. and speaking of that danish...it was really, really good. the pears weren’t really cooked (which i liked), the cheese was more like the texture of frosting than cheese, and the whole thing wasn’t too sweet -- more "natural tasting," if that makes any sense. the tea selection could have been better. the only black tea they had was a berry black tea. uh, definitely no bueno for an english breaky snob. so i went with the roobious chai, which was good. i personally really like self-service tea stations, because my ideal tea contains both half & half AND milk...and i never have the guts to ask a server for both of them (unless i’m at the regency), but when i serve myself, i can put whatever i want to into my tea. so, it was good -- really good, actually. i definitely like the food, the atmosphere, and the location of one fifty ate. although, i didn’t like them at all a couple of weeks ago when i called and asked what time they closed and they said 2:00 and i made the drive all the way over there (starving, i might add), only to arrive there at 1:00 to find a locked door, because they "decided to close early." lucky for them, i don’t hold grudges...for long, anyway."

the usual
- egg and cheese sandwich, pear and cheese danish, coffee
- grade: A-
 
"so alas, brunch is a much more difficult thing to come by on a saturday morning than it is on the ever-typical sunday. we looked up a number of places on our list and found that much to our chagrin, none of them were brunching today. fortunately though, just a hop, skip, and a few stoplights over the bridge to south portland lies a happy little breakfast nook called 158. although this spot doesn’t have an extensive menu, or homies, it’s the perfect place to grab an egg sandwich and a cup of coffee to kick off your saturday morning. or any other morning for that matter. i made my selection pretty quickly, (resident TBC vegetarian + small menu = limited options). i went with the plain ol egg and cheese on a sunflower seed bagel. i had to forego the delicious sounding "hippie" open face with veggies and hummus due to an overpriced experience with a similar sandwich at rivalries the night before. egg and cheese is closer to ’the usual’ anyway. our food was ready in good time and as we waited we took down a good sized chunk of homemade danish. the pears were perfect, not over cooked as they usually are and the crust was amazing, perfect consistency and not too sweet. the coffee, although also awesome, could have done with a different serving vessel. all the mugs are white and wide-mouthed with tiny handles. i hate mugs like this for a myriad of reasons. first, coffee cools much too quickly in such a flat cup. second, uniform white mugs are the stuff of hotels and weddings, not lovely little artsy eateries. third, i spill things a lot and the wide-open-ness of the mug is much more conducive to me making a giant mess. and fourth, well, that’s pretty much it. they don’t seem to fit in with the general atmosphere of the place. why not get some sweet ones made by a local artist? enough about mugs though. my sandwich came and was quickly devoured. instead of the ever-popular fried egg topped with cheese, this sandwich comes filled with perfectly seasoned, fluffy scrambles sitting warmly inside the homemade bagel of your choice. your meal comes to you in a humble tin plate that makes you feel like you’re the newest member of the boxcar children. all in all, 158 is a must-try if you’re in the portland area. so mix it up, lose the homefries for a week and go with the breakfast of champions. homemade bagels. need i say more?"

wild toast

-bacon, egg and cheese sandwich on a sea-salt bagel, and a cup a joe
- grade: A-

"without homefries, but with a homey decor, including cool colored clustered chairs complimenting the cornucopia of good intentions and friendly folks, 158 is a nice spot to enjoy a cup of coffee, and in this instance, an egg sandwich. seeing as it’s a stone’s throw from the pebbled waters of south portland’s lovely coast, i opted for the sea-salt bagel with egg, cheese, and bacon. while the ocean should always have a briny and highly salted aura, i don’t think my bagel necessarily needs to challenge the mighty atlantic to a salt off. however, after brushing a number of salt kernels off the top, my bagel was definitely tasty. the one piece of thick cut bacon was decent, even though i think it may have been sitting around prior to adorning my sandwich as it wasn’t exactly fresh, or hot. by that i don’t mean to say it was old and sitting around since my father’s bar mitzvah or anything, just that it wasn’t like they cooked it per order. anyway, it wasn’t really that big of a deal. the eggs were from chickens, the cheese from cows, so that just basically means it was a pretty good breakfast sandwich. the coffee by design coffee was fine but the squat, wide brimmed mug wasn’t my favorite, as all the unnecessary surface area on the top caused my coffee to chill down in a hurry. in addition to the breakfast sandwich we started things off with a scrumptious cheese and pear danish. tasty. so then upon our return to our chateau to write these marvelous reviews, i found my first 4 leaf clover of the season, a sure sign that spring is on the way! so go get outside, enjoy a good breakfast and play some whiffle ball, break out the bocce and always, always drop by marden’s."

dining date: 03.30.08
eatery: on outer forest avenue next to the photo market
pricing category: upper side of cheap
guest critic: nada
overall grade: B+

the lowdown:
- we felt like we had pulled over on some road in oklahoma after church got out -- like we were on a road trip in some foreign land without any hipsters or people between the ages of 16 and 40.

- the decor was quaint and kitchy...sort of like if the christmas tree shop had a baby with sizzler.

- the food took longer than you would expect at a diner...so make sure you like the people you’re eating with, or bring a book.

- very attentive wait staff and there were frequent coffee refills.

the food

the benny girl
- sausage and cheese omelette with a side of salsa, grilled italian toast, a few of w.t.’s homies, and hot chocolate with whipped cream
- grade: B+

"i wasn’t totally sure where this restaurant was as we ventured down forest avenue this morning, so i was quite surprised when we pulled into the parking lot of the former pat’s pizza. as i stepped through the door and saw the steamed up, curved, greenhouse-esque windows along the side of the building, i was immediately transported back to my middle school days when i would eat individually-sized pizzas with friends and drink a can of dr.pepper through a  straw. ah, the good ol’ days -- before i knew any better about the crap that i was putting into my body. (not that the sausage i ate today was free-range and organic or anything). after my trip down amnesia lane, we were seated in an oasis of condiments. let me pause for a second to issue a warning...if you continue reading this review, you will soon learn all of my guilty little pleasures, as i ventured very far from my norm this morning. this was a very indulgent breakfast, i tell you. okay, continuing now. as i perused the menu, cravings came over me. i decided to forgo my staple item, (the tea), and order a hot chocolate with whipped cream. the usual and wild toast were aghast. but not as shocked as they were when i disregarded the eggs benedict on special and ordered an omelette. have you ever seen prelude to a kiss, or freaky friday? i think they thought that was what had happened to their ol’ buddy benny girl -- that an old man was trapped in my body and my soul was off in some nursing home somewhere eating poached eggs and hollandaise. but i was craving a mexican-style omelette for some reason...what can i say? and it was really good actually. the bite-sized chunks of sausage were plentiful and tasty and surrounded by lots of gooey, yummy, melty, cheese. i have to admit, sometimes i really like american cheese. the salsa was mediocre -- i’m guessing ortega or one of those ones that are made in "new york city!" i wasn’t exactly expecting fresh salsa with cilantro or anything, but it was still a little disappointing. and it came in a little plastic container, which was really wasteful. sprinkling the omelette with tobasco definitely helped to liven up the bland salsa. the homies that toasty gave me were really good -- grilled well with a nice consistency. oh, that was one complaint that i had -- i did not want to pay an additional $1.50 for homefries. how many times do i have to say that egg dishes should always come with homies?! if i ever hold a public office, that will be my first order of business. okay, now for the best part of the meal, and my biggest confession ever. sometimes i like fake syrup better than the real stuff. so i was extremely excited to see a big bottle of mrs. butterworth’s on our table. and was even more excited when the usual suggested that i put some on my grilled italian toast to make a poor man’s french toast (or should i say "freedom toast"?) it was really yummy...especially when i put some smucker’s strawberry jelly on there too. m’m, m’m -- gotta love that high fructose corn syrup. between that little dessert and the hot chocolate, i definitely was bouncing all the way to marden’s, where i then suffered a horrific sugar crash. but alas. so all was good this morning -- the breakfast was very good for a diner. if you find yourself on outer forest ave for some reason, then i would definitely recommend checking it out. and be sure to get the deep-fried homefries so you can tell us what they were like."

the usual
- 2 eggs over-hard, wheat toast, homefries and coffee
- grade: B
 
"there’s nothing quite like forest ave on a sunday morning. i don’t usually wake up with an intense urge to take on 18 traffic lights and weird lane changes, but today was different. i was ready for the kathy & dave’s experience. although the place was hoppin’ with the after-church crowd, we managed to get a table pretty quickly. our short wait gave us just enough time to breeze through the coffee news quiz and admire the wooden ’scramble on in’ chicken. (see pics). our table was a little cramped, although once the three of us interlocked our knees underneath the table it was doable. i was pumped to see that each table had their own stubby ketchup bottle, a close second in design to my favorite, the ’sharpshooter’ bottle. i was not pumped however when i saw a woman at the table next to ours sticking her fork into the bottle. that’s just gross. if you really think you can’t POUR the ketchup, at least go for the old reliable knife technique. i mean, i thought that was a given. anyway. i was in the mood for the usual today, but was shocked to discover that it was not listed as it’s own entity. of course you could get 2 eggs and toast, or 2 eggs and a steak, but not the standard diner protocol of 2 eggs, toast and homefries. although i was disappointed, it really wasn’t that hard to order the eggs and toast with a side of homefries. i guess it’s more about the principle of it. coffee refills were frequent, though the coffee variety could have been kicked up a couple of notches. i don’t think anyone would actually choose to drink new england coffee if given the option not to. especially if he or she enjoys drinking coffee at all. on to the food. my eggs were fine, over-hard, though barely. they were fairly flavorless, but were fine with salt and pepper. the homefries were also a little on the bland side, but were nicely sized chunks that held together and weren’t overcooked. they were delicious once i seasoned them and dunked them into a lake of tasty ketchup. the toast was standard cheap ’wheat’ bread, which i tend to enjoy. the bottom piece however was sopping in some sort of grease that i squeezed out onto benny girl’s plate for effect. oh well, i was full anyway. overall, kathy and dave’s is a tasty and pretty inexpensive spot. there’s plenty of parking out back, and tons of friendly service to go around. so if you find yourself out on forest ave some sunday morning with a hankering for a delicious breakfast, head over to the bayou kitchen. but if the wait’s too long at bayou, check out kathy and dave’s, for some pretty good eats."

"so my recent breakfast choices haven’t exactly been off the wall, or me "pullin’ out a wild card", so i decided that today, the finest the spring has offered, i’d shuffle the deck and call out to my loyal fans that i would go balls to the walls and get me some chili ’n cheese. thats right, i went with one of the specials. and you know what? it wasn’t half bad. the 3 egg omelette was bursting with cheesy splurges of yellow american cheese, nuzzled in with a pretty basic chili. i mean, i don’t think it was homemade chili or anything, but it was pretty good. And even an hour later, while roaming amongst liquidated lionel trains, discount durex rubbers (a scary offering which i would strongly caution against), and enormous bras that i originally thought were butterfly nets, i still felt pretty good. in addition to my chili omelette i had some homies that were ok. they certainly weren’t awesome, as they had no seasoning and could have been crisped a little bit but they were palatable...moreso than when i went to the restroom and walked in on an employee awkwardly standing in there, as if they were either hiding to avoid refilling more cups of bad coffee, or they were trying to hide the fact that they would rather have been in mardens hitting on the hungover employee, moving tacky flowered-old-lady-dresses-for-a-flight to see their grandkids and doesn’t realize airlines don’t give a darn whether you look nice because they won’t even give you a complimentary package of 3 pretzels, let alone consider it high class to be in a winged-metal-walrus full of wanna-be mile-high clubbers and large bellied older men who are destined to be sun-tanned and sucking in their bellies at the cabana with their cigars and martinis. and then this employee fumbled out the door and as i went in for a closer inspection i spied out that the sink was dry...and we all know what that means...so then i went back to my table and having already eaten most of my toast that was brushed with that oily mixture they keep on the grill (not my favorite toast topping) and having eaten my fill of all my other meal options, i luckily didn’t have to even try to eat anything. my sleuthing unveiled to my fellow reviewers, they were mildy horrified yet benny girl still managed to squeek down her sugar concoction of phony syrup, which aparently she prefers...don’t worry fans, some of us are still reputable food critics. so after watching a sweet train roll by as we were leaving i must have hit my food coma as i then ran a red light with a cop right behind me...he was apparently eating condiment sandwiches or something because he didn’t even notice. so anyway, as i strolled through mardens after the meal and enjoyed the model train collectors running around counters with arms filled with extra track and minature hobos and trees, i thought to myself, kathy & dave’s wasn’t half bad."

eatery: brian boru on center street
pricing category: reasonably priced...but only if you’re paying in pounds
guest critic: green eggs & sam
overall grade: C-

the lowdown:
- definitely an experience...a live band, green costumes everywhere, and extreme alcohol consumption -- all at 8:30 in the morning. if you weren’t irish already, this atmosphere would sure make you wish that you were.

- we’ve eaten dinner here before, so we do know that there is real silverware on site...so not sure what the plastic utensils were all about.

- we wish there had been lucky charms cereal on the menu. they probably would have made a killing with that.

the food

the benny girl
- breakfast sandwich (egg and cheese on a bulky roll), french fries, and guinness
- grade: C-

"let me start this review by saying that st. patty’s day is my very favorite holiday. i’m irish. okay, and scottish, english, german, and italian...but on march 17th, i celebrate that 1/8 of my blood that runs green. in spite of my love for this holiday, i’d never actually partaken in the traditional "guinness and eggs" breakfast that happens in a couple of eateries in town. when trying to choose between the various restaurants, i suggested going with the place that only serves breakfast on that one specific day. you know how they say that hindsight is 20/20? well, turns out that when in doubt, bypass the "once in a year" opportunity and opt for the place that actually has 365 days of practice in serving irish food. so i’d like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize to my fellow The Breakfast Club members, because i was the one pushing for us to go to boru. let me clarify. if you’re going only for the experience, then boru definitely gets an A+. it was unbelievably festive and the live music was great. and when else can you see people downing pints of guinness on their way to the office? but if you’re going for the food, then you should just eat guinness for breakfast. all the food was pre-made, so there were no options or substitutions. and when i say ’options,’ i mean you don’t even get to decide how you want your eggs cooked and you can’t add meat to your egg sandwich or even get it as a side dish. not too impressed with that. but i was even less impressed when i saw those rules come to life on the plate in front of me. ’pre-made’ clearly means ’stone cold.’ the egg and yellow slice of cheese were hard and solidified on a dry bun and it came with a side of french fries. (sidenote, after this breakfast sandwich and the one at vaughan street, i will NEVER get another egg sandwich on a bulky roll again). the guiness was good though. i mean, i guess if you’re comparing this breakfast to what you’d get in ireland, then it was pretty much on the mark. that’s why i was drunk the entire time i was in that country."

the usual
- "breakfast sandwich," fries, coffee and guinness
- grade: D
 
"so benny girl forced me to get up earlier on my day off than i do any other day of the week. apparently that’s how committed to breakfast i am. and st patrick’s day. i’m not irish, and to be honest, guinness isn’t my favorite beer. anyway, i went. of the TWO options presented on the menu, i went with the egg sandwich. irish breakfast is pretty much out if you don’t eat meat. plus the egg sandwich was much more reasonably priced at $5, seven bucks less than the irish meat plate. while i waited for them to give my meal a ten second nuke, i tried to reassure my stomach that it was completely fine with drinking beer and coffee simultaneously at 8:30 am on a monday...the food came. you know how it was: the hard overly bready roll, the cold egg slab. the solidified AMERICAN cheese, the golden FRENCH fries sitting awkwardly nearby, wondering, like myself, what time of day it was. i choked down most of the sandwich, some of the fries, all the while dreaming of RiRa, where everyone was probably dining on warm, steaming eggs cooked however they wanted them and dipping actual homefries in ketchup. and for that authentic st pattie’s day experience, i’m sure you can get guinness there too."

wild toast
- the "irish breakfast," consisting of eggs, toast, french fries, black & white pudding, rashers, sausage, coffee, and guinness
-grade: C

"so i should have painted myself green, or at the very least worn shamrock socks and doused myself in chromium man-scent. i was clearly undergreen. wearing a green shirt and green hoody was just enough not to get pinched, but still i felt like deformed 2 leaf clover in comparison to the colorfully green commotion that was brian boru at 8:30 am on st. patty’s day. hearing tales of hour-long waits for my authentic morning serving of guinness, we were pleasantly surprised when our guest reviewer had already situated himself at a table in the back of the first floor. so we were quickly served our guinness and coffee in paper cups (the first for a sit down breakfast, but its obviously not an every morning affair here at boru so i guess i’ll let that slide) in addition to the paper cups we were generously provided individually plastic wrapped plastic utensils, which hits close to home as my parents’ wedding "silver" was lovely plastic wear, some 30 years ago. unlike my parents’ diesel plastic ware, what i was provided with bent in half every time i tried to saw through a sausage link. which brings me to a crucial point of my review: what i ate. well, it being st. patty’s i had to go with the classic irish breakfast. and classic it was – authentically poor quality. there were no options in terms of how things were cooked, and there were really no awesome aspects of this meal, outside of the atmosphere of business-suit clad men downing a pint on their way to work, and the cheering and hum of music from upstairs. i mean, the guinness was good, and now i know that its probably the best beer option for 8:30 in the morning, certainly better than drinking a tall boy, which regretfully i know for a fact thanks to the morning after playing naked frisbee with many drunken and rambunctious friends…i could go on, but for the sake of all involved i won’t...so anyway, i was served french fries, that if you cut into small pieces sorta resembled homefries, and one half piece of toast, which was amusing. the black and white puddings were um…uninspiring? and the sausages, and bacon were totally awesome, if they could have been warm… at any rate, it was one meal out of my life, and it was an experience. the atmosphere itself was entertaining, so that’s good…right?"