after much thought...i've decided that, at least for now, that this blog is done. for those interested, i've begun to write in the same way i've always written in this blog, but for a different website...a website run by a mr. dan lashley. sooooooooo, if you loyal subscribers/readers are still interested in reading my ramblings, check out http://mymomthinksimfunny.com and look for the "monkey business" articles. also, check out some of the stuff from the other writers, too.

alright...i don't blog much these days, but i need to vent a bit because there's a little phenomenon going on right now that makes absolutely no sense to me -- the whole praising of michael jackson thing. don't get me wrong, i will rarely speak up about someone getting praised...but really, let's take a look at how this particular situation is. i'll take you through it step by step...

as odd as it may seem...my name is often set alongside the name of a celebrity. i've never even met this celebrity...but when a lot of folks think of me, they think of one other person; bea arthur. as many folks know, i adore bea arthur. i feel she was a comedic genius with great timing and a sharp wit. she was also a woman with a great sense of humor...she not only laughed when folks made fun of some of her more masculine features, but seemed to embrace it and go along with the joke.

on top of that, she was a terrific singer...

that song does have significance, too. watching bea arthur perform was like a drug. it was like jamming one of those needle dealies inyou your arm and then pushing that pushy part at the end of the syringe so you can shove all that bea arthur drugness into your veins. you see her perform once and suddenly you've got the urge to watch again...and again...and again. then, before you know it, you've got a five o'clock shadow, you've gotten kicked out of your apartment, and you're drinking booze in a nearby alley while begging for change to purchase season three of the golden girls on dvd so you can get your bea arthur fix.
...nevermind how a homeless person can watch a golden girls dvd...the fact is that it happened...it happened a lot. 
this is the effect of bea arthur's glorious comedy. she was so entertaining that it was dangrous. not just to that effect, either. as i stated before, she had a sharp wit...sharper than those knifes that can cut through shoes. in fact, it was common practice for bear hunters to record bea arthur comebacks to auido cassette and wire the cassette players with string so that when a bear triggered the string, they'd take some sharp bea arthur wit to the brain and perish instantly. on the rare occassion that the comedic wit missed and went over the bear's head, bea arthur herself would be flown in, with one arm tied behind her back (for a handicap), and spar with the bear until it either tapped out or she kicked its hiney with her size forty-seven shoe. in fact, this is where the 'tap out' rule for mma and pro wrestling came from...another fun fact on bea's wonderful resume.
speaking of bea's shoe size, it speaks volumes about her. she was who the story of paul bunyon was originally created after. bea arthur and paul bunyon both have three syllables...cooincidence? i think not. i know not. bea arthur's life was just like the mighty lumberjack...when she grew old enough to clap and laugh, the vibration broke every window in the world. plus, just like how paul bunyon had a blue ox as a sidekick that followed him wherever he went, bea arthur had a beast named rue mclanahan that followed her from the television show 'maude' over to the 'golden girls'. it's pretty obvious to me that someone simply studied bea arthur's life and then came up with the paul bunyon story to immortalize her in folk tale history.
however, bea arthur doesn't need a lumberjack tale to keep her memory alive and well. i don't believe she'll ever be forgotten. she was one of a kind. she'll never be duplicated. bea arthur was a work of art...and truly great art will never be forgotten. bea arthur wasn't just great...she was the best. she was the mona lisa amongst forgettable skribbles...no, the mona beasa.



your legend will live on....and even in death, video and audio footage will allow you to keep bringing smiles to the faces of millions. bea arthur, you'll be missed...but your memory will never be forgotten. may you rest in peace, miss arthur. you will be greatly missed.

oregano is full of it. yeah, i said it. oregano is a parasite. oregano adds no delicious flavor to dishes...instead, it rides on the coattails of everyone else.

i mean that literally, too. spaghetti used to wear coats all the time back when it was just noodles. it would wear coats of just about any kind...spaghetti was basically like a coat collector of sorts. it wanted any coat it could find. it did enjoy fur coats the best, though...which is good for fans of italian food. why? well, let me tell you.

you see, one faithful day, a plate of spaghetti was sporting a delightful fur coat. an animal rights activist spotted this and immediately came to the conclusion that they needed to be a jerk to this plate of spaghetti that did nothing wrong aside from having a different opinion...you know, 'cause talking never works. anyway, since the activist couldn't find any paint nearby, they grabbed the nearest thing they could find that would be tough to get out; tomato and meat sauce. the activist dumped the sauce all over the plate of spaghetti and its fashionably expensive fur coat...then ran away screaming 'fur is murder!' before the plate of spaghetti could get up and sock the activist one in the nose.

however, as the plate of spaghetti was about to get up and chase after the animal rights activist, it realized two things. one, that it didn't have any appendages that would allow it to chase after the activist. and two, that this sauce was more comfortable than any coat it had ever worn. soon, word got out that this magical sauce was more comfortable than a coat could ever be and soon every plate of spaghetti in the world was covered in tomato and meat sauce.

that's a true story.

anyway, back to oregano...it's dumb. some folks can say that it tastes good and all that phooey...but let's be realistic here. oregano tastes good like a cigarette tastes good. you're being fooled into thinking it's good because it's a drug. plain and simple. care to disagree? what are drugs made of? plants. what is oregano made of? that's right, plants. i defy you to find a hole in that logic.

oregano is a bad drug that can and will lead to heartburn, upset stomach, ulcers, and probably some sort of cancer of the toenail or something. we need to stop this parasitic herb before it turns everyone into an addict. so, what can we do to stop it? simple. burn down any italian restaurant near you.

now, before anyone gets all antsy in the pantsy here, you need to make sure that nobody is inside when you burn the restaurants down. afterall, by eliminating these restaurants, we're trying to SAVE lives...not destroy them. and i understand that oregano is used in other food as well...but it seems to be most common in italian food according to the fake book that i just read. so, if we eliminate italian food, we've eliminated the source of the problem...and then the rest of the oregano will fade away like steam from a delicious plate of spaghetti...a delicious plate of spaghetti that needs to be oregano-free.

seven months....it was roughly seven months ago that i wrote my last blog. why has it been so long? i'm not sure...i just haven't felt like writing anything lately. today, for example, i was planning on doing a continuation of my valentine's day blogs that i've been doing over the past two years...especially after coming up with the scenario (that you might see as my current status) of me duct taping a strand of spaghetti to a mirror so i can eat the spaghetti 'til i end up kissing my reflection 'lady and the tramp'-style. it's a grand idea, especially with my bashful look away from the mirror after the kiss has been made.

but alas, i'm not blogging to talk about how i love myself and how i feel that i'm the girl of my dreams (which i am, by the way). i'm writing this to let you folks know, because i don't let y'all know often enough, that i appreciate your friendship. i've never been good at keeping in touch with people...so, i know a lot of you probably haven't heard much from me unless you actually contacted me instead. but, i just want to make it clear that i appreciate each and every one of you folks and you've all got a place in my mushy li'l heart.

some folks say that the wealth of a person is measured by counting their friends...if that's the case, i'm a rich fellow. the bonds i've made with you all are made of gold. and let me tell you, friends, this gold bond that we share removes all itchiness and irritation on our feet of friendship. our gold bond gives us a cooling comfort with triple action relief that absorbs the moisture of depression and the odor of unhappiness. this gold bond can't be bought in stores...it can only be obtained through an entertaining infomercial known as life.

but anyway, tonight when i'm making myself a romantic candlelight dinner to remind myself how much i mean to me, i want you all to know that i'll also be thinking of you folks. afterall, valentine's day is a day for thinking about the people you love....and call me a mushy tushy, but i adore each and every one of you.

i can't think of a clever way to end this blog, so instead, just pretend the following: an audience going 'awwwww' followed by clapping and my theme song starting to play while the credits roll, but you won't actually see the credits when the show gets on syndication because the tv station syndicating it will make the screen small at that point so that they can advertise other stuff on their station like the 'my little pony chronicles' where pinky pie goes to rehab for her anorexia problem after all the other ponies call her a fatty and the rest of them compete in games to see who will win $10,000 and get to marry the greatest rock star of all time, chubby checker. it's 'must leave tv'. speaking of leaving, that's what i'm doing now. bye.

the food pyramid...through the final days of my week of liquifying everything, i felt as if i wasn't fulfilling the requirements that this pyramid demands. so, for the finale of this horrible week of nauseating torture, i made the liquid meal to end all liquid meals.

see the food products shown above within that pyramid? a bit of each and every food product above was tossed into a blender for a battle royal with my tastebuds serving as the referee...and, well, in professional wrestling, battle royals are won when folks are tossed over the top rope. this particular battle royal had no winners, though...as every participant...every ingredient all got tossed from my stomach. it was a spectacular event that made me vomit....gave me shakes....and caused me to cringe so hard that i got a headache that hurt like a dang hoo-nanny...

the finale was absolutely spectacular....as i sat next to the toilet, i watched what seemed like a firework show splatter out of me...various colors....various shapes....what a celebration! a celebration for the week being over...and me being able to enjoy solid foods once again.

of course, once the clock hit midnight and my stomach had settled down from the awful mess i had consumed moments before, i grabbed a package of brownies and ate it all at once...which also made me a little ill....but oh, good golly, being ill from a bucket full of brownies is so, so worth it.

anyway, there's a lesson to be learned from the heck i put myself through during this week of liquifying everything...and i believe that lesson is that we need to make a bigger hole in the o-zone layer. the bigger the hole is, the hotter our planet will get....the hotter our planet gets, the more the water will evaporate. if the water evaporates, then the liquid on our planet will go away, too....and if our planet is that warm, then even if we blend something up into liquid, it'll evaporate into a potato chip or something. nobody will ever have to suffer through what i suffered through....ever.

...and i never ever want anyone else to suffer with what i suffered through. kill the ozone layer, friends. kill the ozone layer and give life to the flavors of solid food. yup.

my apologies for not writing yesterday...my job sprung some overtime on me, which meant i had to go in early...which meant that i didn't sleep...sooo, when i got home, i had hit 36 hours sans sleep and i felt it was best to try and sleep rather than type a li'l bloggie poo if you know what i mean.

but anyway, yesterday i puked again. i made the franks and beans 'smoothie' as requested...and at first it wasn't bad. then it started to turn on me. i got heavy shakes followed by heavy vomit. it didn't taste bad at first...but halfway through the glass, i started to feel nauseous. have you ever had a chunk of hotdog clogged in your nostril from throwing up? i have...and it's a feeling i'd like to never have again.

my stomach is getting smaller, it seems. i'm not as hungry as i was at the beginning of the week. when i first started, my stomach was growling non-stop. now, it gives a little rumble here and there...but nothing big. when this week is over, i'll have to off-set it by eating six or so hamburgers in one sitting.

as for the eating of things today, i did nothing special. had ramen broth for lunch at work....had liquified cherrios for breakfast along with a glass of instant breakfast poop. and for din-din, i had some soup sans noodles and/or anything else not liquified.

no vomiting today...which is a shame.

anyway, the week is almost complete...two days left and then i can enjoy some brownies...some burgers....ooooh, just about anything...and i don't have to liquify 'em at all. that's gonna be mighty swell.

i suppose i'll hit the ol' dusty trail now. didn't sleep much again...so, i'm probably gonna mosey on to slumberland and hope my visit lasts more than two hours tonight. so, take care all....yup. bye.

well, day three has come and gone...but my liquid diet wasn't my main concern today. today, one of my heroes passed away.



yes....estelle getty. today, on the car ride home from work, i stopped at a meijers and got myself some cheesecake, milk, and plastic cups. i proceeded to smush the cheesecake by hand and mix it with the milk to create a liquid cheesecake to drink in memory of that fantastic woman.

may you rest in peace, miss getty, and may your afterlife be golden.

back to the liquid diet...aside from the estelle getty tribute drink, i consumed some blended-up chili today as well as various types of soups...because i'm a pig. i bought some beans to go with the franks, as requested. i plan on blending them up tomorrow and enjoying them for lunch at work.

this whole liquid thing is a lot tougher than i thought it would be....i'm constantly forgetting what i'm doing and reaching for a snack...only to realize that unless i toss it in a blender with some water, i'm not gonna be able to eat it.

i'm someone that doesn't like to constantly prepare food...i don't mind doing it every now and then...but sometimes, i just like something i can grab and eat. this little diet is making me prepare almost everything i eat...and wash out the blender several times a day....which is a real pain. and in case you're wondering, yes, all of that above means i'm lazy.

also, similar to the previous two week-long eating experiments, i have gone out and got some brownies...so, whenever i'm home, i sit and stare at them....wanting to enjoy them in that same, beautiful form that they're in. i don't want to blend such a delight...that's blasphemy!

but anyway, basically, as far as eating goes, today was yet another uneventful day. i enjoyed what i ate....even if drinking it kinda made me feel a bit queasy. tomorrow may be better....the franks and beans may 'quease' me up a bit....maybe i'll drink some of that on the car ride to work. pulling over in the middle of the day to vomit could provide a good li'l blog story....that is, if the beans and franks are able to create such a feat.

i suppose that's all. another uneventful blog about an uneventful day...if things don't pick up soon, i'll be purposely trying to eat the nastiest things i can think of....why? because i care.....because i care.

alright...perhaps the steak and potatoes yesterday was a false view into the future...today's liquifying went alright. i started off with a glass of liquified multi-grain cheerios and milk....it was mighty good. i then liquified a cup of ramen...which also wasn't too bad...i also drank the broth out of another cup but didn't eat the noodles since i was without a blender at work. and as i type this, i'm enjoying a glass of bean and bacon soup...with the beans and bacon liquified to match the soup. they're all pretty good...so today, unlike yesterday, was sans any form of puking. i suppose that's good.

i was hoping to have a glass of franks and beans due to the request from the lovely paul of jibangus. unfortunately, while i had the franks, i was lacking the beans. perhaps on the drive home from work tomorrow night, i'll pick up a can.

speaking of work, some of the people there are real jerks...they knew i was going to be suffering....they knew i'd be liquifying stuff....they knew i'd be hungry for real food. so, what do they do? they talk about food...ribs, burgers, you name it...that's what they talked about. it was really unpleasant. i voiced my unhappiness....and they just laughed. those turd bags.

but anyway, today was a pretty gnarly day, dude. i didn't get sick...and i somewhat enjoyed my meals....but still, even when the liquified food is tasty, it's no substitute for the real thing...and i can't wait until midnight saturday night so i can enjoy food in all its solid goodness once again.

man, this blog was pretty lame, eh? maybe i should eat some more steak and potatoes tomorrow so i have something interesting to write. eh, we'll see. hopefully tomorrow will be more entertaining than today was.

two years ago, i spent a week eating as a vegan...last year, i suffered through a similar week in which i ate as a carnivore. this year, is going to be my greatest challenge yet. this year, friends, i will not eat. this year, i will drink. i'll consume the foods i normally consume...but only after shoving 'em in a blender and turning it into a liquidy treat.

today, dear friends, was the first day....and if today is any indication, then this is going to be a VERY long week.

i didn't really eat much during the day...an instant breakfast shake and some nice red tea later on. it was dinner, however, that destroyed me. steak and potatoes...steak and potatoes. those two things, my friends, should never be in liquid form together. the steak and potatoes beverage tasted fine...but the texture....and the smell.

...needless to say, the nutrients that i consumed from that 'meal' exited my body shortly after they entered. so what did i do after that? well, i continued to drink the concoction, of course. there are starving children in china, afterall...it wouldn't be right for me to waste food like that....even if it was technically being wasted when i vomited it up minutes later.

at this pace, though, with all the upchucking and such, i'm wondering how many nutrients my body will actually absorb through the week....i'll probably have to develop some sort of game or something to get myself to eat. like maybe steal an activity from the drunks and do a drinking game....maybe make up a liquified meal and watch some golden girls. every time dorothy is sarcastic, rose makes a stupid comment, or blanche hits on some dude, i've gotta take a chug of whatever it is i'm drinkin' for dinner. maybe if i don't try to down it all at once, my stomach can take it.

anyway, so, that's the plan...no chewing this week at all. it's all liquified...so for this week, i guess my happiness is gonna go down the drain...with the rest of the food that i vomit up through the week. toodles!