Snuggie

In response to Obama's complaint that FOX News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week.

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THANK GOD for Democrats!


OBAMA, Joe Biden, the CLINTONS, Kerrys, Kennedys
and all the folks out in Hollywood will take the lead
in REDISTRIBUTING THEIR MONEY.

THANK GOD FOR DEMOCRATS.

BaHaHaHa

Dear Santa

 I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children 
on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold 
sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the 
school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several 
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on 
the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows 
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

 Here are my Christmas wishes:

 I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, 
which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but 
are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the 
grocery store.

 I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of 
my last pregnancy.

 If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint 
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television 
that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a 
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide 
to talk on the phone.

 On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" 
to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and 
three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power 
tools.

 I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the 
living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice 
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard 
by the dog.

 If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time 
to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of 
eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a 
Styrofoam container.

 If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten 
the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a 
vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if 
you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding 
payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

 Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet 
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe 
trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry 
off so you don't catch cold.

 Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave 
crumbs on the carpet.

 Yours Always,

 MOM...

We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?" "It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations...."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub.

That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years -- not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say.

Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter's hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

This blessed gift from God . . . that of being a Mother.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

  
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

  
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

  
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

  
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

  
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@ kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

  
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

  
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

  
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

  
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

  
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

  
16. You take naps.

  
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

  
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

  
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

  
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

  
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

  
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

  
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

  
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

  
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh S*$ what the hell happened?"
 And An extra one for fun!
    
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.