The world keeps turning. New music is created. New babies are born. Old friends die. Marriages are began and ended. Books are written and read. Holidays and birthdays are celebrated. Wars are fought and won...or lost. Seasons keep changing and the years pass faster and faster than they ever did when we were children. Technology advances, traffic flows, the ozone layer keeps thinning, the wind still blows, the birds still sing, tears fall and laughter is shared, morals decline, hate grows, love dies, ..taxes.. rise, flowers bloom, children play, and the never promised tomorrow somehow finds its way to mankind. Without you.

Without you because you never found your way to tomorrow. We lost you back on yesterday. That smiling, caring, hard-working, giving, loving, beautiful, big-hearted mother, daughter, wife, sister, aunt, and friend that you were left this life and all the world behind to linger in our memories in love and light. Go home to your babies, Auntie Janie and I will miss you always.

Rest In Peace Delores Jane Cullum 10/21/50-10/07/09

Hello, my friends!!!  Those of you who know me all know that in about a month I will be 40 years old.  I have not been looking forward to that, for obvious reasons, but especially because I have seen it as milestone in life that I didn't expect to recover from. I look at those around me, especially my three siblings and some friends, who all have young children, seem to be "doing something" all the time, are experiencing life to the fullest and barely slow down think about it. Then I look at myself and see that, except for going to work 5 days a week, I rarely leave the house, I don't have activities to keep my interests alive and I have a child who is going to be 20 years old in a few months, who is in college and has become VERY independent.  He no longer needs to ask my permission to go out, has his own job and life that at times don't include me.  To make a long story short, I have been feeling OLD.   Being 40 seemed to me to be middle aged and I have hated the idea of it for a LONG time!!!  I looked at myself and saw someone who has just about given up the world to those who are younger than myself, I am slightly overweight, have emphysema, work too much, play too little and basically let go of the idea of making any dreams come true.  I had already put one of my feet in my own grave.  Talk about giving up!!!! Well, until last week, that is, when things changed. 

For the last 3 weeks or so, I have been feeling quite drained and all I wanted to do was sleep.  I decided it was because I was getting up so early to go to work and I needed to catch up on my sleep.  Then I started feeling queasy everyday for about a week and so I decided that maybe I had a virus or something.  Well,  it didn't go away and other symptoms started popping up so...... I took a pregnancy test and, you guessed it, it was positive.  OMFG!!!! Can you believe it?!? 

Now I am not going to say that this is a bad thing, afterall, those who know me know that I have been wanting a daughter for a very long time.  My sister has two of them and I have been envious the whole time.  I was, however, happy to amuse myself with their company and thought that would be enough to satisfy my need to have a little girl "offspring", sort of.   This is not to say that I would be disappointed to add a second son to my family since I know how to raise a boy already and they are just as sweet as a girl, of course.  The thing is, I had a miscarriage in 1991 and since then, had not become pregnant.  That's 17 years ago, by the way, and I had given up on it ever happening again.  To say that I am shocked would be an understatement.  I almost don't believe it yet and I know that this is going to have to sink into my brain slowly. I mean, seriously, WTF?!? WHO would have thunk it?  Nevertheless, my feelings of getting old have passed somewhat especially when I think about becoming a mom again and all of the joys I felt when I had Michael 20 years ago.  It's all coming back to me, the anticipation, the love, the desire to hold my new baby in my arms and the longing to watch him or her grow, just like I did with my first baby.  I am sure that things have changed a lot since I was a first time mom and those things that have changed with the times are something I look forward to learning about as well.  It's almost as if I am starting over again, with my "old" mom experience and my "new" mom challenges.  I hope to share this joy with all of my friends and will keep you posted with new information, if you're interested.  Wish me luck!!!

 

 

We were all born with the ability to create and have our own opinions on any subject one can imagine. What one person believes is true is not neccessarily the truth for another.  It also doesn't mean that either/or is wrong nor does it mean it is truth in either case.

I was raised as a Christian of the Baptist faith for as long as I can remember and there are members of my family, some deceased now, who are/were some of the most faithful and fervent worshipers I have ever known. I am not one of them.  In fact, for a few years now I have been toying with the idea that perhaps religion is a man-made thing.

The Bible is, in fact, a collection of books and stories written throughout a number of years.  Books chosen by a group of men who selected the works of "approved" writers for inclusion into a volume of writings so that Christians could claim a "holy" book of their own. What made it holy was that it was deemed so by the hierarchy of Christian elders who held power and prestige over commoners of their day. These were mortal men, who held no real power over faith and the beliefs of others.

Several things that I have pondered over for a number of years are as follows.

The Virgin Birth- God supposedly planted this child, Jesus, into the womb of the Virgin Mary. A virgin. Yet, Mary was joined to Joseph. Does this mean they never had sex during their relationship, before she conceived OR did she meet him while pregnant and he agreed to join with this pregnant woman? How did she explain THAT one? Where did this mysterious sperm come from?

Heaven's location-  We all look skyward when we think of Heaven and it was probably a no-brainer in the days before there were airplanes in the sky and humans flying through outer space. It is believed to be "up there" somewhere and yet no-one has of yet discovered it in all the years of space travel and flying through the sky?  Where is it? On an astral plane? Invisible?  What about the streets paved in gold we have heard so much about?

Adam and Eve- So, God created a man and decided he was probably lonely and needed to procreate so he created a woman from one of Adam's ribs and placed them both in this Garden of Eden. Fine.  How does one explain cavemen?  Are we to believe that humans actually regressed instead of progressed to a time when they started living in caves and grunting like animals, barely walking upright? In what order did man progress;  Adam and Eve, Cavemen and then came Jesus and the writers of the Bible?  PROOF that cavemen existed has been found in hieroglyphs all over the world. Where is the proof that Adam and Eve actually existed?

History, I believe, was written by a plethora of men with hard-ons on power trips.  Men who needed to make themselves feel big and bad by lowering or destroying the self-esteem and self-worth of others, such as men they didn't see as their equal, people of other races, the lower class and especially women. Men, barbaric and cruel, who got off on the pain of others with their twisted torture devices and inhuman acts of violence.

 Religion was created the same way. 

Be fruitful and multiply, yeah that benefits those horny men into getting laid on a regular basis by making it seem dutiful for religious reasons.

Painful childbirth. Childbirth, according to the Bible, was not initially painful yet "God" caused it to be as punishment to Eve and all of her female descendants for biting of the forbidden fruit. What about Adam? He bit it too. But no, there would be no repercussions for Adam because he was A MAN. 

Self-flagellation- Please. Whose idea was it to thrash oneself with a barbed whip as a show of faithfulness and loyalty to God? Why indeed would this please God or anyone else?

I have gone on long enough and managed to get a lot of this off of my chest and the hour is late. In truth, I just don't know what I believe in anymore but I am not so bold as to suggest that GOD absolutely does not exist for only one reason.  What if I convince myself that he doesn't when he really does?  Talk about making God angry?  Then again, there are cultures who believe in their own idol and refuse or are unable to believe in the same God I refer to. Christians, Catholics, Jews, Hinduism, Muslims, Agnostics, Mormons, Protestants, Wiccans, Islam, Buddhism, Chinese folk religion, Scientologists, etc... all have a different or varied view of some sort of idol and, as I said in the beginning, we all are born with the ability to create and have our own opinions.  What makes the Christian Bible view the absolute truth? If I decided tomorrow to convert to Islam and pray to Allah, does that make the Christian God suddenly non-existant?  What if I choose Wicca and prayed to a Goddess, is HE still "up there" condemning me to Hell for doing so?  I think not. It is all a question of faith and what we allow ourselves to believe as well as what we are taught in the places of worship we attend or what information we are handed-down through our families' generations. How it is interpreted depends on our elders; how it is received and believed is up to us.

 

Two days ago a friend of mine created a new fan group on Yahoo dedicated to RUSH and their fans.  At this time, we already have 64 new members, myself included, and we are trying to get the word out to other RUSH fans who may be interested in joining.  Our goal is to keep this group fresh and make it as fun, knowledgable and exciting as possible.  If  you are a RUSH fan, we would like to meet you. If you are not, give it a try and see what it is all about. You may find yourself becoming a fan.  Hopefully we will see you there.

P.S.  You do not need to have a Yahoo subscription to join the group.  You can create a FREE Yahoo account in order to access Yahoo groups and verious other Yahoo services. The link to join is below.

 

http://launch.groups.yahoo.com/group/bigrushfans/

2008- a whole new year to try and get things right.  What would I like to change this year to make things better than last year or maybe the last few years?

Well, for starters. I would like to get things more secure financially. I have a job certainly, and only because I have been there for several years and gained some seniority has my hourly wage increased to a point where it would be hard to go somewhere else and make the same money. I don't particularly LIKE my job but I stay because of the 7 years of raises I have achieved to get where I am now.

Secondly, I need to rid myself of stress. It is eating me alive and I worry constantly about things that should not bother me so much.  I believe, though, that with all the little things combined with the few BIG things,  the little things just feel amplified. I feel like I am fighting a battle alone most of the time and there is no help in sight. (Mostly financially).

Thirdly, health problems.  I have a few medical problems that seem to be getting more severe in the last few months and I assume they will only get worse. A new doctor might help as I believe that my current one is only interested in medicating the problem and not looking for a solution. Weight is probably a big issue I need to deal with too. It is up and down constantly like a lot of people but I would like to shed a few pounds and maintain a good weight. 

Fourth, the relationship.  I love my man dearly and I am glad to have him in my life however, since my divorce 10 years ago, I grew used to being independent and life was peaceful. I have not yet allowed myself to give up totally on my independence to devote myself completely to any relationship. I can't allow myself to depend on someone else because of my fear of being hurt, abandoned, let down, disappointed, etc... I suppose I just need to get over it but then again, I suppose he needs to show me that I can ALLOW myself to get over it.

Fifth. Clutter. Stuff. Things. Whatever you want to call it.  I have this life-long habit of holding on to things that I probably should throw away, give away or sell.  Clothes, shoes, papers, nik-naks, greeting cards, BOOKS, stuffed animals (yes, stuffed animals, especially frogs), etc... I have begun shedding myself of things and do so occasionally but then I get to a point when I am looking at something and begin telling myself that I NEED to get rid of this but then I convince myself that as soon as it is gone, I am going to need it for something and I will regret it later.  One way I HAVE been able to get rid of stuff is to remind myself that one of these days I am gonna die and "Do I REALLY want my family members to have to go through all this stuff for me?"  Also, "Do I REALLY want my family to SEE this after I am dead?" That makes it a little easier to part with things.  I need to do that more often, perhaps.

Other things to consider would be to enjoy life more, make new friends, read more, spend less, cherish loved ones, say "I Love You, Need You, Miss You" more often, travel and see new things, visit those I haven't seen in awhile, reconnect with old friends, make a list of things I want to do or see before I die and start doing them, enjoy and explore nature everyday, stop taking life, people and Earth for granted, seek the music in my life more often, enjoy the fresh air, hope for world peace, make my home less stressful and cluttered and more comfortable and brighter, find the good in people and exploit it, be more optimistic, and generally seek peace in my surroundings.  That's just about it, I think.  Some of these are goals, some are dreams, both are vital to spiritual growth and future happiness and contentment. At the very least, I won't be without something to do.

I just walked in the door about an hour ago and THAT officially started my vacation, a week that I intend to do nothing but relax, recover from the holidays, surf the net, play the Sims 2, drink coffee, sleep as late as I wish and hibernate for several days. I hate winter time, truly. If I could stay indoors until spring, I would do so but responsibility does force me to work and therefore, I have to be content with the week or two a year that I can get away from it all and do my own thing. One thing that I am also looking forward to is not missing any "Charmed" episodes on TNT all week. It actually airs 4 times a day. 7am, 8am, 3pm and 4pm. The 2 in the morning are the newer episodes that are re-airing and the afternoon shows are the older episodes and for those who know the show, the older ones still had Shannen Doherty in them playing Prue, while the newer ones have Rose McGowan playing Paige, after Prue was killed in season 3 (I think). I love this show so much and hate missing an episode. I have the biggest crush on Brian Krause; which brings me to the second part of my subject above.

Brian Krause played "Leo" on Charmed and not only is he a very talented actor but also gorgeous to boot.  OMG!!! I never paid much attention to Charmed when it was an active show on TV and only discovered about 6 months ago. In fact, about 5 years ago, I was actually dating a man who practiced Wicca and considered himself a warlock, (or a male witch) and HE always made time to watch Charmed back then and I always made other plans. Let's just say it took me awhile to come around. I love the show now and wish that it was still in production.  Anyway, back to Brian Krause. I was recently "googling" him (that sounds naughty, huh?) and located a link to his MySpace page, which I then sent a friend request to and today, I signed on and realized that he accepted my request for friendship and we are now friends.  OMG!!! (I will say again), I am friends with Brian/Leo on MySpace. It does make me sad at times to know that there won't be any new episodes to see and I have noticed that there are a LOT of Charmed fans out there. I just have to wonder what the network was thinking when they decided to cancel it.  I went through the same dilemma when they cancelled Third Watch, 3 years ago. That was my favorite show at the time and I actually cried while I watched the final episode. Anyway, at least until the Charmed series is pulled, as I am sure that someday it will be, I will have to be content with the re-runs and hopefully I will find a show at some point that one or more of the actors from Charmed are in and I can get attached to it as well. There's hope for me yet.

OK, it's Thanksgiving. The one day of the year we are supposed to give thanks for all the blessings in our lives, share those blessings with family and most likely, have a wonderful feast with family and friends. An awesome day and yes, I have lots to be thankful for. I have a wonderful son, love in my life, a great family, loving friends, a good job, a roof over my head, and a lot of little things that I am probably taking for granted.  Life, for the most part, is good. Yet, this little nag is still at the base of my skull as it usually is around this time of year.  This little nag that gets bigger as each year passes.

CHRISTMAS! As a kid, I loved Christmas. Break from school, presents under the tree, family getting together, football games on the TV at my grandparents house, great food, building snowmen and igloos in the yard, snowball fights and Christmas carols. As an adult, I have become very disenchanted.  I HATE Christmas. As an adult, it is too cold, too crowded, too much traffic, and really too commercialized.  Where did the Christmas spirit go?  Why can't we all just enjoy the family togetherness, the Christmas lights, the tree, the food, the memories of Christmas past, the loved ones we share them with, the loved ones we've lost, the beauty of the snow as it falls gently against the window glass, the joy in a child's eyes. Why is the emphasis of the holiday centered on shopping and giving presents?  There is a lot of pressure on what to buy, how much to spend on each individual family member or friend, where to spend the holiday, who's going to be pissed off that they DIDN'T get what they wanted this year, who gave what to whom and why is the gift I received not as good as the one someone else got? It is a pain in the ass and I hate it. I also have a plan.

CHRISTMAS GIFT PLAN

Most parents know what it is that they want and their children want for Christmas.  Wish lists are compiled every year and copied to other family members in hope that these gifts are purchased and given.  MY PLAN? Parents. Go shopping and buy whatever it is on your own list for yourself and also the lists of your children, wrap them up and place them under the tree.  On Christmas Day, the gifts will be opened, everybody gets exactly what they wanted for Christmas, the children are happy because their parents followed the list they compiled and the adults will not have to go later and stand in the gift return lines at Target because they did their job. This plan is great because parents will be spending exactly what they choose to spend and nothing more. No one will be going into debt trying to please the rest of the family with their outrageously expensive gift requests and no one is left out or thinking that someone gift is better than their own.

OK, I realize that their are some family members who no longer have parents to buy gifts for them.  Grandparents, for example. Including a gift for these loved ones is perfectly fine, in fact, I think more important than ever;  it is giving back for all the years they gave to their children, not only at Christmas time but throughout their lives.

So, that is my plan.  Will it fly? I don't know but what I do know is that I would hate Christmas time a lot less if we focused more on the spirit of Christmas and less on the giving. Isn't that what Thanksgiving is for?

So many times in life we meet people, develop relationships, share dreams, fantasies and secrets and believe that these people we have endeared to our hearts are trustworthy, honest and really care about us.  But, how much do we really know each other, even those we invite into our homes, our beds, our lives? How do you decide if this person is deserving of our honesties, our secrets, our discretion? 

My mom always said, "treat people as you want to be treated" and that idea has always been the position I have taken when I meet someone. I assume that a person I am dealing with, associating with or relating to feels the same way.  That, would be the basis of trust for me.  Someone else may see it as naive.  They would be right, of course yet I'd like to think that when I meet someone, I can trust them and be completely open with them as much as I would hope they can be the same for me.  In other words, I'd like to know that the dreams, fantasies, secrets and acted on impulses that I have shared with another are kept discreet.

Webster's Dictionary describes indiscretion as "something marked by lack of discretion; an act deviating from accepted morality."

Discretion is defined as "A quality of being discreet; power of free decision or latitude of choice."

To be discreet is "to show good judgment or to be capable of observing prudent silence."

Discretion, in any relationship, whether it be in the work place, in a one-night stand, between partners-in-crime, in a committed relationship, between family members, etc... is imperative if we desire to build a bond and a mutual trust in each other.  On the other hand, little white lies told in an attempt to hide an indiscretion from a trusted associate, partner, spouse or lover really do hurt (if they are discovered), and that type of discretion, which only benefits one party in a relationship, is not likely to benefit the relationship as a whole. Sometimes our discretions in one relationship are also indiscretions in another, when a third party is involved.  These days it is more common to have both than one would think.

So, when is it wise to be discreet?  Someone who goes out and cheats on a spouse or gambles away their paycheck and then returns to their partner with a little white lie is using discretion to benefit themselves yet they are harming the relationship by doing so.   However, sometimes discretion is beneficial when two people who mutually agree to share an intimate moment, or a secret not meant for the world to know, do so and what is the harm then? 

Mom also said once that "what they don't know, won't hurt 'em" and guess she is right on that one too. Discretion, while is usually only benefits those who have a secret to hide, is still a valid and important part of any relationship and it is the skeletons in the closet that most of us can lay claim to, that are best left in that closet because again, being able to trust each other is sometimes more important than finding out about all those little white lies.

An example of this would be a man who has a wife and a mistress. A discretion with his mistress would be an indiscretion against his wife. Yes?

I guess what it all boils down to is this. When two people form a bond or relationship, they would probably assume that the other party can be trusted to keep all truths discreet even if one or both parties have other associated bonds whom also expect that certain trusts be kept.  Is it possible to be discreet in more than one relationship at a time?  Well, it all depends on which party in the relationship is doing the answering. In the above example, I suppose a man would have to answer "yes" as would his mistress, who would also benefit from discretion of the indiscretion, but the wife would probably answer "no" and unless discretion is utilized, she is probably on her way to see a divorce attorney. Having been both the wife and the mistress at different times in my life, I truly believe that discretion is as important a part of a relationship as the need to bond, share and relate is.