(originally posted on Facebook on Dec. 31, 2008)

1) Was 2008 a good year for you?
One of the best in terms of life- and self-realizations. One of the best in general.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Three-way tie: walking through the Arrivals gate at Pearson Airport on May 1st; standing on a rooftop on Canada Day (meant something to me I can't explain); and any sunny Sunday morning spent dozing off in the boy's arms. I'm a sap, sue me.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Any of the stupid fights. They sucked. Also, getting fired from a cafe job after less than a week because the boss was a neurotic controlling perfectionist bitch.

4) Where were you when 2008 began?
On the dancefloor at 23 West Cordova for Sin City's year-end fetish night blowout. In Vancouver. Fuck Vancouver.

5) Who were you with?
Jenna, my fellow Toronto-to-Vancouver-back-to-Toronto traveller.

6) Where will you be when 2008 ends?
At 751 on Queen West, watching a myriad of drunken hipsters sway to bad pop and hip-hop music. Free champers at midnight!

7) Who will you be with when 2008 ends?
My hotstuff ladies Chrissy and DJ Sofi P. And the aformentioned Queen West hipsters.

8) Did you keep your New Year's resolution of 2008?
I don't even remember what my resolution WAS. I think it was the same it has been for the last few years -- "don't be a fucking idiot". It covers a lot of bases.

9) Do you have a New Year's resolution for 2009?
I have a bunch, but they're going to be blog fodder...still, it's lame stuff like "be nicer" and "take more opportunities". Also "get your edge back", which partially explains why I'm dying my hair black again tomorrow.

10) Did you fall in love in 2008?
Head over fucking heels.

11) If yes, with who?
The one and only Dean Dallas Bentley.

12) If yes, do they know?
Hell yes he does.

13) If yes, are you still in love with them?
Hell yes I am.

14) Do you regret it?
Not in the slightest. Best relationship I've ever had.

15) Who will you be kissing at midnight?
Nobody :( Maybe Chrissy or Sofi if she's not on the decks. NO BOYS. You had your chance when I was single, losers.

16) Who would you like to be kissing at midnight?
Dean :((( But he's in Holland for another week, so...oh well, less than a week until reuniontime! :D

17) Who are your favorite new people in your life?
NEW people? From 2008? Hmmm...definitely Melissa, though I think I met her in 2007. My coworkers are pretty awesome too. Yay people!

18) What was your favorite month(s) of 2008?
March was fun times -- fly to Toronto, hang out with boy, fly back to Vancouver, boy tours out to Vancouver a few weeks later, more hangoutz, preparation to move back home. The summer in general also ruled.

19) Did you travel outside of Canada in 2008?
Went to Washington twice with Melissa back in the early spring - once to Tacoma and once to Seattle - and went to Buffalo with Amanda in September. I miss the U.S. :(

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2008?
Just two: Washington and New York. Here's hoping there'll be more trips in 2009 -- I miss the road and the travelling.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2008?
Physically, no. Emotionally, sort of.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Miss my friends on the west coast constantly. Miss the boy right now.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2008?
Between the movie theatre and the countless DVD-fests with Dean, I can't even hope to remember them all...but I really unashamedly enjoyed Repo! The Genetic Opera. Put a big smile on my face.

24) What was your favorite song from 2008?
Probably "Don't Stop" by innerpartysystem. Good stuff. Listen to it for the bridge section alone.

25) What was your favorite record from 2008?
According to the top 10 I submitted to all the critics' lists, it was Kill Hannah's Hope For The Hopeless EP -- which I genuinely did love, despite the fact that I couldn't buy it and had to download all of it illegally instead. Bad. But I still loved it.

26) How many concerts did you see in 2008?
Not enough. Not nearly enough.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2008?
THE SISTERS OF MERCY OMFG. Getting kicked out of the band's dressing room by one of my rock gods is now a permanent highlight of my life.

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2008?
See answer to number 26. Resolution for 2009: drink more alcohol.

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2008?
Again, number 26. But I'm not so torn up about that -- to reverse one Mr. Manson's statement, I like the drugs but the drugs don't like me.

30) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Yep. A lot of things. But the good thing is that I learned valuable lessons from all of them, and hopefully won't make the same mistakes again.

31) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2008?
That's personal. It was more misleading than anything, I guess, and unintentional, but it still hurt.

32) Did you treat somebody badly in 2008?
Unintentionally so, but yes, I know I did. I repent.

33) Did somebody treat you badly in 2008?
A few people did, but whether they meant to or not is still undecided. Either way, those are the people I don't keep in my life anymore.

34) What is one of the most valuable life lessons you learned in 2008?
That nothing in your life will change unless YOU take steps to change it yourself. "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

35) What is one thing you'd like to change about yourself in 2009?
Be a more positive person with more faith in things.

36) How much money did you spend in 2008?
Let's just say you don't want to see my credit card bill. Moving your life across the country and then back again ain't cheap.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2008?
Taking it upon myself to get the hell out of Vancouver and back to Toronto where I belonged. Also, finally getting a decent, real adult job. No more part-time joe jobs!

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2008?
You think I'd put that here in public? ;P

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2008 and change something what would it be?
There are a lot of times that I wouldn't be as petty or unreasonable. Life's too short, and I should focus more on how lucky I am to have what I have.

40) What kept you sane in 2008?
Friends, family, writing, music, love. All the good stuff.

41) What are your plans for 2009?
Be awesome.

in the blackest parts of last winter, this was my theme song:

nine while nine
the sisters of mercy

and it's passing strange
and i'm waiting for the train
caught up on this line again
and it's passing slowly
killing time
but it's better than living in what will come
and i've still got some of your letters with me
and i thought sometimes or i read too much
and i think you know
let's drink to the dead lying under the water
and the cost of the blood on the driven snow
and the lipstick on my cigarettes
frost upon the window pane
nine while nine and i'm waiting
for the train

she said do you remember a time when angels
do you remember a time when fear
in the days when i was stronger
in the days when you were here
she said when days had no beginning
while days had no end
when shadows grew no longer
i knew no other friend
but you were wild
you were wild

frost upon these cigarettes
lipstick on the window pane
and i've lost all sense of the world outside
but i can't forget so i call your name
and i'm looking for a life for me
and i'm looking for a life for you
and i'm talking to myself again
and it's so damn cold it's just not true
and i'm walking through the rain
trying to hold on waiting for the train
and i'm only looking for what you want
but it's lonely here and i think you knew
and i'm
and i'm waiting
and i wait in vain
nine while nine and i'm waiting
for the train


...i still love that song with a heartaching ferocity.  but summer's coming now, and everything for me is light and open windows and doors.

i'm sorry i've been away so long.

(Cross-posted pretty much everywhere I’m at on the Internets:)

So, I lasted all of seven months in the west coast haven of Vancouver, and now I’ve decided that my time here is done.  Yeah, who didn’t see this coming -- I’m moving back to Toronto at the end of the month.

No insult to Van City, though -- it’s a retardedly gorgeous place with beautiful views and a pretty cool vibe.  My living situation here has been convenient, my job has been steady and secure, and I’ve enjoyed my time as a Vancouverite for the most part.  The problem, though, is how I never quite fit in here, and so I was never able to get comfortable enough to start carving out my own niche.  Feeling cut off by three provinces of prairies and three hours of time difference between my family and friends didn’t help much, either.

So all of that made me kinda unsure about staying here.  Then I went back to Toronto for Christmas, remembered how much I loved that damn city and how hard I’d worked to belong there, and knew that it was really my home.  And I needed to be home.  (Then I fell for a guy there at the same time, which basically decided it. ;))

Now, the current long story short: Got a subletter to finish off my lease.  Gave my notice at work.  Booked flight to Toronto.  Selling off and donating extraneous stuff right now.  Making sure everything is as streamlined and stress-free as possible for my forthcoming escape in only a few weeks.

I may be fickle and flighty and careless, but at least I’m never bored.  And at least I know what I want.

To the Toronto people, Beaches, Annex, Q&B, the ..bucks family and Lobs crew, my eternal rockstar boys, all the places I lived and loved and grew up in -- my return is imminent.  As you knew it would be.

To the Vancouver people, I still love you -- farewell drinks soon?

xoxoxo
Caitlin

....Because there are some perks to being the one running the shop:

A Question of Time - Depeche Mode
Age Of Consent - New Order
Alert Status Red - Matthew Good
All Fired Up - Interpol
All Time High - C'mon
An End Has A Start - Editors
Anger As Beauty - Hawksley Workman
Atmosphere - Joy Division
Believe Me - MOIST
Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order
Bling (Confession of a King) - The Killers
C'mere - Interpol
Can't Catch Tomorrow (Good Shoes Won't Save You) - Lostprophets
Cash Machine - Hard-Fi
Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis
Cities In Dust - Siouxsie & The Banshees
Come Again - Thornley
Creature - MOIST
Dani California - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Dashboard - Modest Mouse
Detonation Boulevard - The Sisters Of Mercy
Don't Let Them Take You Down (Beautiful Day!) - Jesse Malin
Enjoy The Silence - Depeche Mode
Ever Fallen In Love - Buzzcocks
Every You Every Me - Placebo
Evil - Interpol
Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
Fascination Street - The Cure
Flathead - The Fratellis
Freaky Be Beautiful - MOIST
Gimme Shelter - The Sisters Of Mercy
Golden Touch - Razorlight
Heinrich Maneuver - Interpol
Hyperactive - Kill Hannah
I Melt With You - Modern English
I Want It All - C'mon
In Between Days - The Cure
In The City - Razorlight
In The Walls - stellastarr*
Jackie Will Save Me - Shiny Toy Guns
Janie Jones - The Clash
Jumping Someone Else's Train - The Cure
Just Can't Get Enough - Depeche Mode
Just Like Heaven - The Cure
Karma Police - Radiohead
Kingdom - Dave Gahan
Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
Lovesong - The Cure
Lullaby - Editors
Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
My Coco - stellastarr*
Naive - The Kooks
Narc - Interpol
Never Let Me Down Again - Depeche Mode
Nine While Nine - The Sisters Of Mercy
Obstacle 1 - Interpol
Oceans - The Tea Party
Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode
Penny Pills - Crash Kelly
Pioneer To The Falls - Interpol
Psychotic Retraction - C'mon
Prisoners of Paradise - Jesse Malin
Reach for the Sky - Social Distortion
Roads - Portishead
Running Up That Hill - Placebo
Safer When - C'mon
Sell-Out Love - The Black Halos
She Sells Sanctuary - The Cult
Silver And Cold - AFI
Slow Hands - Interpol
Some Kind of Stranger - The Sisters Of Mercy
Somebody Told Me - The Killers
Somewhere Out There - Our Lady Peace
Special Needs - Placebo
St. Lawrence River - David Usher
Stasis Quo - C'mon
Strange Days - Matthew Good Band
Strangelove - Depeche Mode
Surfacing - David Usher
Sweet Troubled Soul - stellastarr*
The Chase - Kill Hannah
The Cutter - Echo & The Bunnymen
The Killing Moon - Echo & The Bunnymen
The Policy Of Truth - Depeche Mode
There There - Radiohead
True Faith - New Order
Untitled - Interpol
Walking In My Shoes - Depeche Mode
Warchild - stellastarr*
Waste My Time - C'mon
We Are Pilots - Shiny Toy Guns
We Are The Same, Susanne - The Sisters Of Mercy
Weapon - Matthew Good
When You Were Young - The KIllers
1959 - The Sisters Of Mercy

I've been reviewing CDs all night and cringing at how god-fucking-terrible they've all been.  For the love of Christ.

Anyway, three things I've vowed to have accomplished by this July:

1. Get a job.  Get a real job.  Just get an honest to god 9-to-5 Monday-to-Friday job meant for adults with post-secondary education.  I got my degree one year ago this June and I'm feeling inadequate.

2. Lose five pounds.  Yeah, yeah, I know a bunch of you are screaming "From WHERE?!?" right now, but trust me, they're there and they're displeasing me.  For fuck's sake, I was at my happiest weight one year and five pounds ago.  I blame a) bad truck stop food for two and a half weeks, b) no exercise for two and a half weeks, and c) temporarily going off the Pill for the extra bloat.  So with all that cut out now, a measly five shouldn't be hard to lose.  Hello, intense gym workouts!  Watch me do this shit.

3. Find some way to maintain this crazywickedawesome happiness and feeling of freedom for the rest of the summer, and hopefully the rest of 2007.  Getting a fresh start on things?  Best ever.

That's it, I guess.  Love and bullets, my darlings. xox

Oh yeah, and if you're bored/easily entertained/curious about what life's like on the road with a rock band, go read my shit: http://notomorrowgirl.blogspot.com (and then go pay the stars of the story a visit: http://www.myspace.com/blackhalos)

MOIST - "Believe Me" / "Breathe"
Placebo - "This Picture" / "Every You Every Me" / "Running Up That Hill"
Matthew Good - "Avalanche"
The Cure - "Plainsong" / "Maybe Someday"
Depeche Mode - "Never Let Me Down Again"
Interpol - "Leif Erikson"  / "The Specialist"
Chris Koster - "Mary Ann"
stellastarr* - "Sweet Troubled Soul"
Holly McNarland - "Elmo"
Matthew Good Band - "Strange Days" / "Apparitions"
David Usher - "St. Lawrence River" / "If You Tolerate This"
The Tea Party - "Heaven Coming Down"
AFI - "Silver And Cold"
Kill Hannah - "Goodnight Goodbye" / "Hummingbirds The Size Of Bullets"
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - "Maps"
Radiohead - "Karma Police"
Oasis - "Wonderwall"
Portishead - "Roads"

...Don't worry.

I know.

Another round of the current Good Things/Bad Things...

Good Things!:
deep sleeps, organic grocery stores, giggly schoolgirl crushes, echinacea, loud rock music, solid musician interviews, bad habits, kicking the habit, $6 "Immunity" smoothies from Pulp Kitchen, the rhythm section, ambiguity, flexibility, the songs that saved my life, blueberries with yogurt and soy granola, nicknames, PostSecret, MusicSecret, morning cardio workouts, fresh maki rolls, April 2007: Best Concert Month Ever, pomegranate lychee green tea, cooking, text messaging, e-mailing cute rock boys, the Fratellis song "Chelsea Dagger", drinking eight glasses of water a day, Black Halos, mood swings (mine), living, learning.

Bad Things!:
alarms, loud noises, loud consistant alarms, being overwhelmed, vices, mood swings (others'), cancelled concerts, wrath, insincerity, watching me fall, me smoking too much, people who walk too slowly, bad grammar, bad punctuation, no punctuation, no grasp on the written English language, future uncertainties, itchy skin allergies, unprepared responsibility, broken telephone, eggplant, being poor despite working seven days a week, 17-hour work days, boredom, anticipation for naught, lost jacket buttons, making frappuccinos, my plastic "retainer" tongue stud, wasting the pretty, competitive streaks, human nature.

It's all about balance, darlings.  I'm a Libra, y'know?

"Do not go gently into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light." - Dylan Thomas

Oh, I'm going, all right.  But gently?

...Sorry, sweetheart.  Not a fucking chance.

This is my favourite song, in case you didn't know.  (I was reflecting on this today while walking alone on the Danforth through the sleet and snow and general grayness, carrying two pineapples and some blueberries and wondering where the fuck I'm supposed to go from here)  Go buy the CD, because it makes me remember why I've never loved anything like I've loved music.

Interpol - "PDA"

yours is the only version of my desertion that i could ever subscribe to
that is all that i can do
you are a past dinner
the last winner
i'm raping all around me
until the last drop is behind you oh
but you're so cute when you're frustrated dear
yeah you're so cute when you're sedated dear
oh yes dear

sleep tight
grim rite
we have two hundred couches where you can
sleep tight
grim rite
we have two hundred couches where you can
sleep tight
grim rite
we have two hundred couches where you can
sleep tonight
sleep tonight
sleep tonight

you are the only person who's completely certain there's nothing here to be into
that is all that you can do
you are a past sinner
the last winner
and everything we've come to that makes you you
you oh

you cannot safely say while i will be away
that you will not consider sadly how you helped me to stray
you will not reach me
i am resenting a position that's past resentment
and now i can't consider
and now there is this distance
so

sleep tight
grim rite
we have two hundred couches where you can
sleep tight
grim rite
we have two hundred couches where you can
sleep tonight
grim rite
we have two hundred couches where you can
sleep tonight
sleep tonight
sleep tonight

Here is a list of things I am not liking at the moment (or any moment, really):

hand eczema, Valentine's Day, boys, boys who lie, douchebag customers, customers that think they're being clever when they're really just being douchebags, vitamin C, insomnia, stomach puffiness, blonde girls, French girls, old people, small children, cold weather, beginnings, endings, male gynos, ironing, metabolism, creepy old men trying to pick me up at the Horseshoe, necessary drama, unnecessary drama, repeat offenders, hat hair, whole milk, feeling inadequate, the old days.

In contrast, here are some things I am liking right now:

blackberries, clothing from Playdead and Damzels, earrings, having income, sleeping in, days off, sleeping in on days off, Depeche Mode's "Never Let Me Down Again", Placebo's cover of Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill", Placebo's cover of Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill" making me cry all over the place, cheekbones, birth control pills, hot dudes, hot drinks, bass guitars, space heaters, whole grains, incense, beer, free beer, long walks, Kill Hannah Canadian tour dates, matcha tea.

I try to keep things balanced, you see.

Current playlist, because I haven't done one of these for a while.  And c'mon, you trust my musical taste, right?  Right?  Okay, just nod and smile.

Depeche Mode - "Master and Servant" (why oh why did it take me so long to get into this band??  whyyyyy)
Kasabian - "Shoot The Runner" (if only for the fantastic highlight of the song, the carelessly spat "she's my queen...bitch."  perfect)
stellastarr* - "Warchild" (my new profile song, and for good reason -- even their new-album demos sound fucking awesome)
Bukkake Katholik - "Let You Down" (snarling trash-metal fury from a kickass local rock trio that you need to check out, um, now)
Lostprophets - "To Hell We Ride" (not one of my favourite Lostprophets songs at first, but then it grew on me with the cleverness of lines like "everything is tempting, but nothing comes for free / I often wonder how you drive when the road's too dark to see")
Jimmy Eat World - "Bleed American" (takin' it back to 2001, baby)
The Killers - "Bling (Confession Of A King)" (I wish I could say I hate The Killers along with 97.8% of the population, but then they just keep coming out with solid singles like this one)
Placebo - "Running Up That Hill" (that infamously stunning Kate Bush cover, and the only song in the last year or so to reduce me to tears)
AFI - "Love Like Winter" (I don't care that they may have completely diverted from their original musical direction -- this shit is massive)
Holly McNarland - "Elmo" (apropos)
Shiny Toy Guns - "Jackie Will Save Me" (I remember how fucking insane and amazing this song is live, and even listening to the recorded version gets me jazzed for new shows)
Jeff Buckley - "Hallelujah" (I never got what the big deal was with this guy, and then I heard his Cohen cover, and now yeah, I get it)
She Wants Revenge - "Someone Must Get Hurt" (inevitable that a SWR song would show up on my current playlist...I keep falling in love with that album one track at a time)
Kill Hannah - "Hummingbirds The Size Of Bullets" (probably one of my favourite, if not my most favourite KH song, if only for the way the first few lines make the hair on the back of my neck stand up)

I feel sort of bad that this blog gets so many views, but contains so little substance.

That?  Is elsewhere.  Somewhere out there.

Go find it.  I'll wait.