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May 17, 2008 - Saturday

Geeks Ultimate Guide to Picking Up Girls

http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2008/03/24/the-geeks-ultimate-guide-to-picking-up-girls/

Unless you've been living under a virtual rock, you've heard the meme bouncing around the Internet about how girls love Geeks. We published the 12 Reasons a Geek Will Steal Your Girlfriend in 2008 last month, but wanted to put something together for the geeks out there who may be feeling left out, or who may be thinking "where is all this love for geeks? I'm certainly not seeing any movement in my Action-O-Meter… how can I get a piece of that?"

With that in mind, we proudly present Geeky Tips for Picking Up Chicks. We're not giving away all our secrets, but these basics should be enough to get you started… and you can begin milking your geekiness for all the sweet ass it's worth.

• Leave no stone unturned in the hunt for geekophilic females

Before you can sweep girls off their feet with your dazzling knowledge of Star Wars trivia, you've got to find them. You could hit up the standard nightclubs and bars, but those settings aren't particularly conducive for fully deploying the Geek's Girl-Getting Toolbox.

Your best bet is to frequent places with a high concentration of geek-friendly girls. Here are a few good places to start your search:

- MMOGs - Seriously. MMOGs, or Massive Multiplayer Online Video Games, are a buzzing hive of Geekdom and have actually attracted a sizable female population. The problem for girls online is that guys playing games like WoW, Eve Online, and Second Life act like complete asshats around them. Whether they're asking girls "Are you REALLY a girl?" over and over, kneeling to propose at their first meeting, or just reverting back to fourth-grade antics like boob jokes and ass grabbing, most dudes do not play it cool around pixelated chicks. If you want a shot at pulling some Alliance tail, just don't be a jerk. Treat women with respect and courtesy—it's good advice even when you're not trying to score.

Most girls also like guys with wealth and power, even in the online realm, so don't be afraid to break out your uber armor and weapons, gratuitously call out your guild bodyguards or buy her that pricey magic bow she's had her eye on in the marketplace.

Once you've secured the affections of your online lady and verified that she's not really a guy, 600 lbs., or one of those dudes from To Catch a Predator, a geeky sex-fueled weekend romp is but a $200 plane ticket away; to say nothing of the regular Teamspeak heavy petting you'll enjoy.

- Blogger/Tweet Ups - If you're lucky enough to live in a city with lots of bloggers and social-media types, you need to explore the world of online-to-real world meet ups. Bloggers, Twitterers, and other online-media types like to get out from behind their keyboards every now then for a drink. Find out where and when these events are happening and show up with your game face on. Grab a nametag and start a' mingling. It's good to roll with a wingman or two at these events if you can, so you don't look desperate. Talk about how revolutionary you think Twitter is, how big your RSS subscriber base is, and how WordPress totally owns the mess that is Drupal.

- Bookstores - The bookstore scene is great because you can be selective about your targets based on the area of the store they are browsing. The Fantasy/Sci-Fi section is an obvious choice, as is Computers and Programming and Photography and the Arts. Spend some time cycling around the shelves on a Saturday afternoon and work your geeky mojo. Sections to avoid meeting women in: self help, debt management and pregnancy health.

- The Internet - I've heard hookers will have sex with you for money, so if you get really desperate take some of that money you made at your geeky startup and get yourself an escort. Tell her you want her to roll play a geek-loving GFE.

• Be smart. Be funny. Be funny and smart

Girls LOVE guys who can make them laugh. Geek-loving girls love guys who can make them laugh AND think. The tricky part is to sound simultaneously humble, smart, funny and confident. Sly, self-depreciating humor lets her know you don't take yourself too seriously but that you're totally comfortable in your own skin. Bonus points for landing a joke about Creative Commons.

• Don't be afraid to bling out your geek

Don't knock it- bling and flash work. Pop out your scratch-less iPhone, check your binary watch for the time and work your pimpin' Swiss Army knife/USB Drive into the conversation. The idea is to let her know you have enough income to pay for the finer gadgets in life (read: shoes, designer handbags, diamond earrings) while exhibiting your obvious knowledge of how to program the TiVo. Girls like guys who enjoy spending money on the finer things in life, so make sure to drop lots of subtle hints that you are a provider, even if the only thing you're planning on providing is a night in the ol' bone sack.

• It's all about the numbers, so talk to them all

Sometimes you can't peg a geek-loving girl right away and have to do some conversational investigation. Talk to women everywhere. You're a hunter looking for the right female, the one who might think your collection of hand-painted Mech micros are cute; the one who will cuddle up to watch your Firefly DVD; the one who end up jumping on for a fun run while watching the crew of Serenity bash around in space. Talking to women is just like Halo—you get better with practice.

• Be good about the follow up. Be nice, and don't blow it for other geeks

An important piece of advice? Don't be a jerk. If there's a sudden surge of Geeks plowing through women with one-night stands and treating their hookups badly after a little nookie it's going to make it a lot harder for the rest of us to keep this whole "Geeks Are Sexy" thing rolling. Treat women with respect and don't tell them lies about wanting to get together again, when all you're planning on doing is slipping them a fake phone number. Be nice! After all, they just did a job on your knob. The smart Geek also knows that bad word of mouth can kill future prospects.

So there you have it. A golden elixir of tippery to help you score some geek-loving lady action. Go forth, my horny army of code loving, Boing Boing reading, sarcastically cool Geeks. Go forth… and prosper.

Oh and before we go, you'll be pleased to learn that we partnered with our friends from Dailyidea to bring you this excellent video accompaniment to the article.

Liked it? Be sure to visit Dailyidea.tv and subscribe to their feed! The Dailyidea is a how-to, humorous show about things you should know, so head over there and check out what they have to offer!

If you enjoyed this article, be sure to read this one too: 12 Reasons Why a Geek Will Steal Your Girlfriend in 2008

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May 17, 2008 - Saturday

12 Reasons A Geek Will Steal Your Girlfriend

http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2008/01/17/12-reasons-why-a-geek-will-steal-your-girlfriend-in-2008/

As a fellow geek, you may wholeheartedly agree with this article. If you are a non-geek (do they really exist?), you might take offense. Regardless… how you feel about the matter is largely irrelevant – the truth is that a geek probably will steal your girlfriend this year (or steal away the girl you may have designs on), and while we hate to be the ones to break it to you, it's simply a friendly forewarning. Without further ado, here are 12 reasons why a geek will steal your girlfriend this year:

1. Geeks make more money than you.

Claiming that women value money over everything else is not going to fly. Instead, you must consider the more practical angle - when all other things are considered equal, the guy with more money is simply the better option.

That raises two questions - do geeks have more money, and how does a geek match up at everything else? For the former, here's a thought:

Remember that pimply faced, awkward, AD&D player who everyone made fun of in high school? Chances are he has come up with the concept for the latest gadget the masses have been drooling over ( Steve Jobs with iPhone), a social networking site that has taken the world by storm ( Kevin Rose with Digg) or created the coolest cartoon in history (Trey Parker and Mark Stone with South Park).

The other question? That's a subject for the rest of this article.

2. Geeks are smarter than you.

Geeks are smarter than you They might not have a player's social skills and graces but they do hold degrees in anything from literature to nuclear physics. And even those without a degree (think Bill Gates) can converse about more then how much they earn, what kind of car they drive and the latest football scores.

Stimulating conversation goes a long way towards winning her heart – and compared to the average guy, a geek has far more to talk about and is undeniably far more interesting.

3. Geeks pay attention.

Men in general cannot multitask. That is why when you are on a date, your eyes glaze over while you stare at woman's cleavage and all you hear is bla,bla,bla (to be fair you're probably not missing much, but that's not the point here).

So how do geeks differ? It is not that geeks do not appreciate breasts (they are men after all) but what's almost universally common in geeks is the presence of old-fashioned chivalry and plain old good manners. You'd be surprised at how far that can get you with a girl (as long as you don't roll over and play dead).

Given the choice between breasts and listening to the bla bla of their new lady friend, odds are that the geek will be discreet in his stares and learn to multitask (see 2). Hey, you can't avoid great cleavage…

4. Geeks remember what matters.

Geeks remember what matters I'm not talking about when Chicago Bulls won the championship for the third time in the row or how many times Jessica Alba was in Maxim magazine. Geeks have super powers – they can remember birthdays and anniversaries and all other little nuances women love so much.

In itself, having a good (nay, excellent) memory is just a regular trait (and can be annoying if you feel the overwhelming urge to correct others), but combined with 5, it is an overwhelming advantage for the geek.

5. Geeks pick out the best gifts.

Not only will geeks remember when it's her birthday, they will remember what her likes and dislikes (and if she hasn't told him, see 6 for the kicker). With all this information at their disposal, geeks will also come up with perfect gift. It really does take minimum effort, regardless of what men might think.

And let's face it: when was the last time you remembered your girlfriend's birthday in time, let alone found a gift that has made her squeal with delight?

6. Geeks put in the extra effort.

Missed her favorite show? Can't find that obscure Indian movie her friends have been telling her about? Interested in a new underground band that could be the next big thing? Leave it to the geek to find it for her.

And if they haven't been together for long, you can trust the geek to ask her the right questions and find out what she wants and doesn't want - and then give that to her.

You don't have to obey her every wish - giving her what she truly needs is often the key to a successful relationship, and not only are geeks ahead of the curve in finding out what she needs, but they're also ahead in terms of putting in the extra yards to ensure that she gets it.

7. Geeks are better lovers.

Before you laugh…actually, go ahead, laugh this one out. I'll wait.

Once you're done claiming your superiority, here's the harsh truth - men are, on average, unsatisfying. Experience doesn't do much for a guy if all he's doing is trying to hold it in as long as possible - yea, practice makes perfect but you're only going to go so far when your limit is 3 minutes.

Notice that I didn't say geeks were better endowed or lasted longer - but that geeks were better lovers. Compared to an average guy, a geek is going to be better prepared, knows exactly how to please a lady in bed and will actually pay attention to her needs instead of trying to catch the early train back home.

8. Geeks get the best gadgets.

Lets face it: diamonds and pearls went out fashion a while back. Now it's all about the latest gadgets - iPods and smartphones, iConnect pillows and singing yoga mats. And who has the finger on the pulse of what is hot and what is not in the electronics world? The geek of course. Not only she will be hip and cool with her latest gadget, she'll also be the envy of her girlfriends.

And that, my non-geeks friends, holds one of the biggest secrets to a relationship - make a woman look good, and she will go through a lot of trouble (like dumping her current boyfriend) to be with you.

9. Geeks will nurture the child within.

What man will not run screaming if she wants to play dress up, admire that doll in the window or suggests an outing to the latest amusement park? All these things are normal and accepted in a geek's world.

10. Geeks are the new handymen - except that they're good at what they do.

Geeks can upgrade, maintain, upload or fix anything that is plugged into a wall. You want your computer to be fast as the speed of light, want the best sound system, TiVo playing , want your tea kettle to whistle a tune while brewing your coffee? Ok that last one might be an exaggeration, but you get my drift. Anything technically related is something geeks can do and if it is not their area of expertise, they have friends who can handle it.

11. Geeks are trustworthy

Trust is a funny thing. If a guy is too loyal, he might be seen as clingy and just another burden. If the same guy plays around and can't keep his toungue in his mouth (so to speak), it's going to magnify a lot of other problems that a girl would usually compromise over.

But if you get it right - if a girl can be secure in her relationship while retaining her freedom, she's going to be on the moon (and that means more fun for the geek).

If she fancies a night out with the girls, she knows that her geek can be left unattended without any worries. She knows that the geek is into her for more than just the sex, and is loyal to her (ok, thats what she thinks, but you can't fault us geeks for playing that card, can you?).

Remove the source of a women's insecurity and she becomes a much more fun person to be with - as geeks know.

12. Geeks are a refreshing and attractive change from the regular stock

They are caring. They are NOT desperate for sex. They love sports, but won't lose sanity if their team loses. And not only do they make the effort to take her out to a nice place, they also take her to places that she's probably never been (all that research and attention comes in handy).

In short, geeks are unlike the majority of the men the girl will know in her life - in fact, they're probably much better than the guys she knows, at least according to how she rates guys.

If that's not an advantage, I don't know what is.

If you enjoyed this article, be sure to read this one too: The Geek's Ultimate Guide to Picking Up Girls

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April 15, 2008 - Tuesday

It’s Like They’re F**ING Toddlers in a Playpen!

If you're a parent like me, you know what it's like: "stop that", "get down", "hands off", "not in the house", "that's your brother's toy", "get that out of your mouth" - OY! The blessings of children, my friends! The blessings of being a parent. Yet being a parent has many benefits, one of which is that it bestows a special kind of wisdom… a wisdom that allows you to understand the logic of a child, and resolve many of the conflicts and squabbles children get themselves into. For example, should two children wish to play with the same toy, and begin squabbling about "who had it first", the parental logic applied is "If you can't share the toy and play nicely together, neither of you will have it." This generally results in a peaceful conflict resolution, with both children putting their differing opinions aside for the good of themselves & the situation at large. Or if one child is pestering another physically, the rule of "keep-your-hands-to-yourself" is applied. Or if one child is teasing another, the "if-you-cant-say-something-nice-don't-say-anything" rule is applied. If any of these rules are violated, the offending child is subject to punishment of some sort, like a Time-Out, removal of valued items/privileges, a spanking, or any combination thereof.

So let's just shift gears for a second towards conflicts on a global scale. Just take a moment right now, and see if you can understand where I'm going with this. After reading all the major news feeds, it's become very clear that the world is full of "children"… it's like the leaders of these nations are f***ing toddlers in a playpen! The world's conflicts obviously cannot be solved by "united organizations", politicians, or militant influence. What the world needs a good parent. So what I have done is compiled a short list of parental statements that apply to the world at large:

"CHINA… that land belongs to Tibet. Leave it alone."
"BRITIAN… Ireland had the Northern Ulster region first. Give it back to them, because it's theirs."
"PALESTINE, ISRAEL, EGYPT, and GAZA… all of you keep your hands to yourself."
"RUSSIA… if you can't say something nice about Chechnya, don't say anything at all."
"SAUDI ARABIA and SUDAN… your Baggara tribes and government-backed military play too rough and are not allowed to come over to Darfur's house anymore."
"NORTH KOREA… you're being too loud, and you need to settle down. It's quiet time."
"UNITED STATES, IRAQ, IRAN, SAUDI ARABIA, and KUWAIT… if you can't share the oil, I'll take it way and then none of you will have it!"
"UNITED STATES… you can't just go play in anyone's yard without asking them first. And if they don't want you over there, you need to just come home without arguing, and stay in your own yard."
"CATHOLICS… I'm very proud of you for apologizing to the Knight's Templars. Now you need to apologize to the Pagans, the Protestants, the Jews, the Muslims, the Altar Boys, and everyone else you hurt & made fun of.

This is just the beginning of the list. If you're a parent and have any ideas on statements to add to this list, please feel free to send me a message. I'd like to see this list grow.

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April 15, 2008 - Tuesday

Thoughts on "Campus Killers"

So I've been reading BBC news… there's a lot of stories, articles, and speculations regarding this Cho Seung-hui character. For those who aren't familiar, this is the guy who went on a rampage & murdered 32 people at Virginia Tech.

I find it very interesting how all these different professionals (i.e. psychologists, behavioral therapists, etc.) are trying to piece together an accurate profile of these so-called "campus killers". They list a series of "common factors" between this Cho fellow and other school shooters like Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, and Kimveer Gill. Here are a couple of similarities they pointed out:

"…an acute rejection episode - such as a break up with a girlfriend, teasing, or bullying"

"A fascination with guns and explosives…"

"a pre-occupation with death…"

"…anti-social loners with some kind of grievance and/or revenge as a motive."

"underlying psychological problems… such as severe cases of grandiosity and possibly either bipolar depression or schizophrenia."

These are indeed very common factors in every school shooting which has taken place to date. And what I find fascinating is the fact that, of these factors, none of them can be faulted to the person doing the shooting. That's right, not a one of them. In cases of psychological problems, the person suffering with such trauma cannot be blamed for their ailment, as they did not choose to have it, nor do they particularly want it. It was something they were born with, and therefore cannot control without external care, such as medication and psychological treatment.

As for the other factors? These are all attributed to outside influences directly impacting the psyche of the person in question. Let's take them one at a time.

Fascination with guns? Please… with all the movies, TV shows, video games, YouTube videos, and other such media outlets that are centered around violence with firearms? Our whole damn society has a fascination with guns. Every kid, at some time or another, has played a "shoot the bad-guys" game of some sort. Classic childhood games, like "Cowboys-and-Indians", "Cops-and-Robbers", "Martian Invaders", "House" (what, you never played a game of "House" where you didn't shoot someone? I guess my childhood was a smidge different…). At any rate, it has absolutely no bearing on this subject. Next topic.

Breakups, teasing, and bullying are generally caused by individuals for purposes only known to themselves. Granted, this type of behavior has existed for thousands of years… people (children especially) have bullied, teased, and toyed with the emotions of others dating back as far as written history will allow. Authors, movie-makers, song-writers, even mythology & religious institutions tell stories of a group of people oppressing another, and the oppressed ones rising up & overthrowing their oppressors. These "underdogs" are generally regarded as heroic and valiant for their efforts. It just seems to me that, given the widespread availability of these stories & parables, those who would bully, tease, dump, or otherwise oppress individuals who are "different" than what the 'ideal' society deems acceptable, would understand the consequences to their actions. There's enough material out there to teach people that bullying others only leads to destruction.

And if you're the kind of person who has been bullied for quite some time without just cause, would you attempt to socialize with anyone? If bullying (which is a form of abuse) and rejection are what you have been conditioned to expect from people, you would not want to take any chances of suffering further abuse or rejection at the hands of anyone else. Hence where the "anti-social loner" behavior comes from.

Yet socialization is one of mankind's basic needs, it is essential to survival… food, shelter, acceptance. I say it's a necessity because at the dawn of human existence, we weren't at the top of the food chain. There were a lot of big-toothed critters running around looking for a tasty man-snack to gobble. It was only through collaborative group efforts of primitive "tribal" groups that mankind was able to rise up & overcome their carnivorous prehistoric oppressors (hmmm… that sounds familiar). Without the acceptance of the group for protection, you were left on your own to face Mr. T-Rex. This premise is evident in most, if not all, animal groups on earth today. Socialization, The Need to Belong, is an in-born, natural evolutionary instinct geared for survival.

But if you're rejected by your peers… nay, abused by your peers… and the balance of your instinctual needs is out of whack, you're going to feel as though you can't "survive". So naturally, you're going to be pre-occupied with death, as your own survival needs are not being met. And that pain, that loss, that lack of human essentials, is enough to make anyone want to die.

Which also leads in the feelings of "revenge". A group of individuals, due to their cruel actions, have started this whole chain-reaction of fear & negative emotions, thereby prohibiting you from attaining that which is essential to your survival… wouldn't you be pretty pissed-off too? I get mad at my wife because she bakes a batch of cookies, but then tells me I can't have one until they're cooled. Dammit, I need those cookies! That delectable chocolatey goodness is essential to the survival of my sweet-tooth, and yet you oppress me & deny me that which I need? WRETCHED WOMAN, THOU WILT PAY FOR THIS VILE TRANSGRESSION!!! ::blank stare:: Where was I? Oh yeah, revenge. So yeah, you get the point.

I guess this is where my ignorance shows through. I can't figure out why these "bully" types can't figure it out? It's a very simple concept… push someone hard enough, and they will push back. Hell, common sense says that animals will not attack unless provoked. A snake only strikes when it feels cornered and has nowhere to go. And the snake doesn't play fair… the snake doesn't play at all. You hit it with a stick, it will withdraw and flee. If you chase it and continue hitting it, IT WILL INJECT LETHAL VENOM INTO YOUR BODY! Stick vs. lethal venom… hell no it's not fair. But it wasn't fair for you to hit the damn snake in the first place… nor was it fair to continue hitting it after it turned away to flee. You get what you deserve.

But, nonetheless, there is the opposite side as well... yeah, so you got picked on. Yeah, so you got beat up a few times. Learn from it, grow from it. It makes you a stronger person. If you really want to "get back" at the people who "oppressed" you, do so by making something of your life. Think about it, high school and college mean dick when compared to the rest of your life. That's a total of 8 years. Compared against the remaining 50 or so years after that, it's small beans.

If you want to get right down to it, those who get "bullied" or "teased" are actually at the advantage. Life, my friends, simply isn't fair, nor is it very nice sometimes. You cannot control everything at everytime, and the world will not simply cower in fear to your every demand. The world, and society at large, can be the biggest bullies you've ever met. If you have 4-8 years experience of being bullied through high school or collge, you're in a much better position to deal with this bully called "The Real World". You're tougher, smarter, stronger, and more tactful about your actions & reactions. These guys doing the bullying? The ones used to getting what they want through intimidation? How are they going to handle themselves when life kicks them in the balls?!? You, you''ll just get right back up, because you've been kicked in the balls before. Them? I see tears.

BUT...that's only if you actually HAVE the balls to get back up in the first place. Becoming anti-social, grabbin a gun, and way-laying all in your path tells the world that you weren't strong enough to make it. You were too weak to handle life.

There's a HUGE difference between WANTING to blast everyone away, and actually doing it. There's not a damn thing wrong with "wanting" to do it... and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's perfectly natural, and there's nothing wrong with you if you do. But that's what makes a strong individual... wanting to do one thing, but knowing that you should do the right thing. That's what life's challenges are all about.

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November 27, 2007 - Tuesday

Geeky...And what’s wrong with it?

I'm not just "good with computers", I have vast knowledge of technology, with a solid career in Information Technology to back it up... Application Development, to be precise.

I not only play Role-Playing games (DnD, Vampire, Shadowrun, etc.), I create expansive worlds, in-depth characters, and engaging storylines for said games.

I not only enjoy going to the Renaissance Festival, I performed in it for a number of years (before my kids were born, naturally). And, the years that I haven't been able to perform, I've donated money, volunteered for clean-up, assisted other performers with makeup & costuming, hauled gear, etc.

...AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?!?!?

Prime-time TV shows portray "computer hackers" as dirty, greasy, unkempt, morbidly obesce zit-faces with thick glasses and zero personality! That's such crap... I shave, occasionally. Plus, my glasses are seamless bifocals, so they're only thick at the bottom.

The ultra-conservative "Religious-Right" make Gamers out to be these dark, brooding, manipluative, Manson-style cult-leaders who steal your teenage daughters in the night, dress them as vampires, and sacrifice them the devil! That too is crap... why would we dress them up just to kill them? Perfectly good waste of clothing if you ask me. Naked & tied to an upside-down cross works much better!

Guys like Carson Daly like to poke fun at Rennie's. As if they're just pathetic, middle-aged losers with funny-looking costumes, fake props, and no lives whatsoever. And that, as well, is crap. We're not all middle-aged...

But, I'm an open-minded person. I mean, hell... if all these different sources point to my lifestyle being wrong & worthy of ridicule, then maybe they're right.

Maybe I should throw my computer out the window, give up my prosperous IT career, stop running my own IT consulting business, end all of my extraneous revenue-enducing side projects, and get a job that involves either back breaking manual labor, repetitive monotonous busy-work, or wearing my name on my shirt. Yeah yeah... and then, instead of honing my creativity skills by writing those stupid RPG stories, I should just plop my fat-ass in front of the television all night.

And forget hosting those social gaming events on the weekends (y'know, the ones where I not only exercise my own intellect, but help others exercise theirs?)... NO NO NO! Instead, it'll be a giant case of cheap beer, the old TV, and my friends all watching a group of men wearing tights grab each other & play with balls.

And as for Faire? PISS ON IT! Piss on dressing up in hand-tailored garb, admiring various forms of art, meeting and interacting with a vast network of talented artisans, and actually doing something intelligent with my time. NOT ME!! I'd rather put on a neon-colored t-shirt that looks exactly the same as a bunch of other people I don't know, bar-hop my way through town for "charity", and drink until I throw up. (wait, that's kinda like "garb", "art", and "meeting people"... just minus the intelligence.)

On second thought, I'd rather be what I am. Great paying career field, intelligent friends, and hot tavern wenches in corsets... there's NOTHING wrong with that!

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November 10, 2007 - Saturday

Los Angeles... where to begin
Current mood:

pissed off

It has been a very "interesting" week. I've been in LA since last Sunday, and I'm ready to come home. There's been some really good experiences, and some really bad ones. I will say this much... it's definitely the kind of town that will change a person.

In the past week, I've been to Malibu, El Segundo, Inglewood, Manhattan Beach, Venice Beach, Culver City, Downtown LA, Santa Monica, Beverly Hills, Melrose Heights, Hawthorne Heights (yes, apparently it's an actual city... not just a shitty emo band), Hollywood, Compton, Lynwood, Redondo Beach, Universal City, Westwood, Hermosa Beach, Encino, Canoga Park, Glendale, Sherman Oaks, Torrance, Huntington Beach, Burbank, and the "Valley" (San Fernando, that is).

I've damn near been killed on the 405, the 110, the 101, the 210, the 5, and the 710... and that's just the interstates! La Cienega, Sepulveda, Wilshire, Ventura, Rosecrans, Torrance, Melrose, and Hollywood Boulevards almost had a side-of-the-road cross with my name on it. I've been mugged on the Pier, hit on by gay men, cursed at in about 5 different languages, ticketed for smoking a cigarette, burned in the eyes & lungs because of the smog level, ragged-on by snobby pricks (who, BTW, make JOCO assholes look like trailer-trash), insulted because of my fatness, kicked out of an M. Fredric clothing store because "they don't allow trash in their store", made fun of because of my "redneck" accent, solicited incessantly by street-side vendors who don't understand the word "no", starved because all the restaurants server tofu/veggie/soy/cous-cous foo-foo bullshit, had a fork thrown at me in The Stinking Rose by a "liberal vegan" because I finally found a good steak (MEAT IS MURDER!!!)... yada yada yada.

I came here to take a class. A class which will further my career, thereby increasing my salary, and allowing me to better provide for my wife and kids. And I figured, rather than sit around in a hotel room all damn afternoon/evening, I thought seeing the city would be a good idea. I completed the class & passed the certification test... so that's a bonus.

But here it is, my final night, and I'm broke... for one person to eat a decent meal costs upwards of $20.00 or higher. I can't park my vehicle without paying $10 or higher... I can't even park my rental car in the hotel parking lot without paying $15 per night! It's $12.50 per day for internet access, $95 for smoking OUTSIDE ON A PUBLIC FUCKING SIDEWALK, $3.84 a gallon for gas, $8.14 for ONE pack of cigarettes, $186 for a dress shirt from FUCKING TARGET, $2.74 for a bottle of WATER (it's either that, or drink from the public water system which literally tastes like biological waste), $30 for a laundromat, $12 for a beer AFTER a $10 cover charge to a BAR WHICH DOESN'T ALLOW SMOKING... I can't deal with this shit.

How does ANYONE deal with this shit? I know salaries are a little higher out here than in KC, but not by that damn much! I mean, a receptionist is still a receptionist no matter where you are. And I asked around... the receptionist at Oracle said she makes $27,500, and her husband makes $55,000 as a restaurant manager. That's a household total $82,500. And yet, this bitch is wearing Dolce & Gabbana jeans, dripping with jewelry, manicured nails, and driving an 07 Beamer??? Talkin' about rent on her 2 bedroom condo is $2100 per month? Plus her husband has a Porsche? When you factor in those car payments, rent, the insurance costs of both vehicles, gasoline for both cars, utilities, and general living expenses.. groceries, personal care, etc... PLUS the insanely high prices of things around here, how the hell do they do it? How much debt are they in? How are they able to even continue living here? It's literally impossible, without some other form of income (side business, investments, drug-dealing, etc).

Is it really that damned important to "make an image"? To "keep up with the Jones'"? To indulge wanton narcissism to the point you can't even begin planning for the future? Apparently, in Los Angeles California, it is. Because, even if it means killing yourself financially, looking good is all that matters. I guess if I had bought that $275 pair of Diesel jeans, that $186 dollar shirt, those $500 leather boots, had $20,000 worth of liposuction, and drove a $170,000 BMW... my experience here would've been better. Yeah, that's it... fuck Jessica, fuck Liam & Joey... fuck being able to feed my family, putting a decent roof over their head, keeping them warm in winter! "Sorry boys... daddy had to spend your month's worth of lunch money on a pair of pants. You'll go hungry, but at least daddy will look good!" And what cracks me up... what kills me every damn time, is these people out here that tell me I'm just a "stupid redneck", because I'm from Kansas City. Yeah... I guess I am.

I hope the "Big-One" hits & drops this whole fuckin' state Atlantis-style. Except for Tamara, Jeremy, Joshua and all the folks down at "Passage on Melrose"... you guys are cool as hell, come here before that happens! But everyone else in Los Angeles... FUCK YOU!

3:06 AM

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October 16, 2007 - Tuesday

Ssshtar-Trek

Ssshtar Trek II: The Wrath of Khan isssh generally conssshidered to be the besssht film in the sssheriesssh. The firsssht movie wasssh little more than a knee jerk reaction by Paramount Picturesssh to the ssshuccessshsssh of Ssshtar Warsssh. It featured kooky light blue jumpssshuit uniformsssh and thinly combined two recycled plotsssh from the original sssheriesssh. Before it really got ssshtarted, the firsssht film almosssht grounded the entire franchissshe, but The Wrath of Khan changed that. It fixed many of the vissshually dissshtracting assshpectsssh of itsssh predecessshssshor and told an original ssshtory that wasssh an extenssshion of a popular epissshode from the televissshion run, ressshurrecting a classshssshic villain in the processshsssh. You may already have known all thisssh and even if you did not, you are probably assshking yourssshelf, "What doesssh thisssh have to do with computer troublessshhooting?" A lot, it turnsssh out.

Asssh the film ssshtartsssh, Khan - a genetically engineered evil geniusssh portrayed by Ricardo Mantalban - essshcapesssh hisssh exile on a dead planet blaming our hero, Jamesssh T. Kirk (William Ssshhatner, of courssshe), for the passsssshhhhing of hisssh wife while they were marooned. Sssheeking revenge, Khan commandeersssh the ssshtarssshhip Reliant, a member of the Federation fleet that Kirk ssshervesssh. He then ssshetsssh a trap by ssshending a dissshtressshsssh ssshignal, knowing Kirk and the Enterprissshe will ressshpond. Thinking the Reliant to be a friendly ssshhip, Kirk isssh completely ssshurprissshed when he isssh attacked and only when the Enterprissshe isssh sssheemingly dissshabled doesssh Khan reveal himssshelf. He then demandsssh that Kirk hand over the plansssh for the Genessshisssh Device, a terraforming apparatusssh that can be utilized asssh a weapon of massshsssh dessshtruction. With the livesssh of hisssh crew in hisssh handsssh and facing a brilliant madman, what doesssh Kirk do? He appliesssh classshssshic troublessshhooting techniquesssh.

At thisssh critical point, Kirk realizesssh the three elementsssh that are critical to any troublessshhooting ssshituation. The firsssht isssh knowledge. He possshssshessshssshesssh an underssshtanding of how ssshtarssshhipsssh work that Khan doesssh not, which he can ussshe to hisssh advantage. Next isssh accessshsssh. Bassshed on hisssh credentialsssh asssh an Admiral, Kirk hasssh ssshecurity clearansshe that othersssh do not that givesssh him a wider array of choisshesssh with which to remedy hisssh predicament. The final element isssh creativity. Taking into account the firsssht two elementsssh, Kirk comesssh up with a sssholution that isssh out of the norm.

If you are a Ssshtar Trek fan, you are aware of what happened next. Kirk knowsssh that each ssshhip in the ssshtar fleet containsssh a ssshecurity accessshsssh prefix code that controlsssh who can issshssshue inssshtructionsssh to each ssshhipsssh computer ssshyssshtem. He ussshesssh hisssh heightened ssshtatusssh within the ssshtar fleet military to obtain thisssh code for Reliant. Finally, after obtaining the code, he ussshesssh it to ssshend Reliant inssshtructionsssh to lower itsssh ssshhieldsssh, enabling Kirk and the Enterprissshe to launch a ssshuccessshssshful ssshurprissshe counterattack. Thisssh forcesssh Reliant to retreat and allowsssh Kirk to essshcape for the ssshecond half of the movie. In the Director'sssh Edition of The Wrath of Khan, Kirk later ssshaysssh, "We're alive only becaussshe I knew ssshomething about thessshe ssshhipsssh that he didn't." Knowledge, accessshsssh, and creativity are all fundamental piecesssh of troublessshhooting demonssshtrated nicely in thisssh example.

6:38 AM

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September 11, 2007 - Tuesday

VAMP: KC BY NIGHT - House Rules & Character Guide Posted

I am now down to having 2 player slots available. Slots will be filled on a first-come, first-served basis.

If you are still interested in playing, please check the blog linked above, and get your character background assembled.

There will be a Character Creation party held within the next couple of weeks, so if you've never played before & want to, be sure to attend! Updates will be posted here & on the "KVMP" page linked above.

3:49 PM

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August 8, 2007 - Wednesday

So Houston is ok...

... whoever said that Texas had a "dry heat" needs to be shot. It's more humid here than in missouri. other than that, everything is good. my flight got upgraded to first class free of charge, my rental car is an 07 Saturn Vue (?!?), and my hotel room is both a smoking AND high-speed internet suite (we're high class now, huh?). The only bad thing I have to complain about? The rooms next to me & directly across the hall are being used by a bunch of college freshmen girls attending a cheerleading clinic... that's just annoying. They're loud, obnoxious, immature, and running around in the hallway thinking they're all "cutsie-wootsie". Get's on my damn nerves, but oh well. I guess I'll live with it.

Tonight will consist of hanging out quietly in my room... soon Jess & the boys will join me on webcam, and I'll get to say "goodnight" to my boys. Post more soon. Until then, enjoy some pics... I took some pics from the window of the plane, but they didn't come out too well.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

2:05 AM

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April 11, 2007 - Wednesday

Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes

November 24, 2006 | Issue 42•48

Chicago Rolls Out Cold-Weather Prostitutes

CHICAGO—From the barren tree branches to the colorful Christmas decorations, the signs of another Windy City winter are everywhere you look. And with the chilly air and fresh snow comes the sight of local residents replacing their regular three-season hookers with prostitutes better capable of handling the tough Chicago streets.

Enlarge Image

Across the city, residents are swapping out regular hookers with more dedicated, cold-weather prostitutes in their cars.

Unlike many other parts of the country, where milder temperatures and lighter snowfalls allow for the convenience of all-year prostitutes, citizens of Chicago must turn to thicker, sturdier working girls who can provide the high performance needed to get through the worst their notorious winter has to offer.

"When temperatures drop below zero, you need prostitutes you can depend on when they're needed most," said area resident Phillip Eadie, who mounted four cold-weather hookers earlier this month. "The last thing you want during a raging blizzard is to get stuck with a prostitute who's not up to the task when it really counts."

"Seriously, if it weren't for cold-weather prostitutes, I don't think I'd ever leave the house," he added.

More resistant to heavy wear and tear than ordinary street whores, these high-performance prostitutes provide Chicago residents with optimal handling under the roughest of conditions, a firmer grip on ultra-slick surfaces, as well as greater rear-end balance. In addition to improved start and stop capabilities, the prostitutes are also able to absorb the bumpiest of rides.

"I'm the kind of guy who likes to feel in control at all times, and cold-weather prostitutes give me just that," said resident Charles Wentel, adding that he was first turned on to the seasonal whores by his father. "With other prostitutes I would always worry about how they'd react to unpredictable situations or whether they had the flexibility necessary to take on any and all jobs."

"I've shelled out a lot of money for a lot of hookers in my life, and let me tell you these cold-weather babies are by far the best," Wentel added. "You won't find me riding around with anything less this winter."

According to local dealers and distributors of winter-ready prostitutes, most summer hookers "have very little life left in them" by Thanksgiving and can "hardly be trusted" to manage street corners through the winter.

"I've shelled out a lot of money for hookers in my life, and let me tell you, these cold-weather babies are the best."

Satisfied customer
Charles Wentel

"You can rotate your old whores, tie them up in chains, dress them up any and each way you like, but it won't make a bit of a difference," said Dale Huza, who peddles cold-weather prostitutes in nine different downtown locations. "Since getting in the business five years ago, I've yet to hear of a single customer who's been let down by these hookers. Hell, I even use them myself."

Often selected as among the safest whores on the market, cold-weather prostitutes are also a popular choice for those who have families to think about.

"As a husband and father of two boys, I demand a lot from my call girls," said Henry Greenman, who admitted to having an easier time sleeping at night since picking up some cold-weather prostitutes. "After all, there's no way I can be taking risks with unsafe tramps knowing the effect they could have on my family."

"Sure they may cost a little more, but as I've always said, you can't put a price on peace of mind," he added.

Many members of the Chicago business community have come out in favor of cold-weather prostitutes.

Managers, employees, and two custodians at South Side Automotive strongly recommend the hookers this season, claiming that in a series of "side-by-side" tests conducted behind their premises, cold-weather prostitutes outperformed regular prostitutes in every winter trial.

"More than any other prostitutes we've come across, there's nothing these hookers can't and won't withstand, no environment you can put them in where they won't do what's required of them," owner Mike Watlak said. "I give cold-weather prostitutes my and my company's personal stamp of approval."

Added Watlak: "One thing's for sure: They can really take a beating."

8:27 PM

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April 9, 2007 - Monday

VAMP: Mistaken Identity, Part 2

The dark figure begins a series of questions directed at our friends to determin their origins and their purpose in New Orleans.

Brayden reveals that he's in New Orleans to seek work with FEMA, and to oversee the construction of his new nightclub in the French Quarter. He was at The Tempest club around 10:30 on Saturday, and on his way out was met by a gentleman needing "assistance". He stepped outside with the guy to let him use his cellphone, and just happened to notice a young woman attempting to steal his wallet. He turned away to run her off, and when he turned back, the guy on his phone hit him in the head with a mini baseball bat. His next memory is waking up buried alive in a shallow grave.

Tom Tom reveals that he's in New Orleans to oversee the affairs and estate of a late relative. He was at the new rural home northwest of New Orleans, moving items in around 10:30 on Saturday, when he heard some commotion on the back door. He sent his butler around to check the noise, and found nothing. When they both examined the back door, they noticed large claw marks in the wood. He sent his butler armed around the side of the house to check for animals, and knelt down to examine marred door. He felt himself being grabbed, and remember nothing further until awaking buried alive in a shallow grave.

Rachel keeps quiet, revealing little about her business in the city or her last memories... stating simply that she was in a diner enjoying a piece of pie at a diner in the Garden District around 10:30 , and her next memory is waking up buried alive in a shallow grave.

"Big D" tells of how his last memory, before waking up FACE DOWN in a shallow grave, was that of a woodcutter's hatchet flying through the window of his bayou cabin & finding mark in his chest, with a large furry man-size creature being the assailant.

After waking up in the shallow grave, they all agree to the same activities: they dug themselves out, discovering that their graves were lined next to each other. Things happened so rapidly, that they're not sure who the man in the police uniform was, but that he was attempting to dig them out before Tom Tom lept forward & wildly attacked him... biting his shoulder in a frenzy, and draining him of his sustenance. Lost, fearful, confused, sans clothing, with a dead cop at their feet, they began making their way through the woods... towards the sound of traffic. Approaching the clearing, the see the road. A black Lincoln limo sitting on the shoulder is scanning the woods with a police-style search light. Everyone ducks to avoid the light, save for Rachel. The light focuses on Rachel, and a gunshot is heard... she immediately goes down, wounded in the shoulder. And now they are here.

The dark figure, still suspicious of them, uses his powers to validate the truth of their stories, and finds that they are not lying. Addressing Rachel, "My dear childe, please forgive the violent action of my associates. They acted upon my accord. You must understand, there are forces, accompanied by politics, at work which you do not yet understand. And at a time like this, one cannot be too careful."

"You see, my friends; I, and my associates, belong to a... unique organization... a demographic of creatures not thought to exist, save entertainment mediums, mythology, and children's nightmares. We are Kindred, "The Embraced", "The Damned", "The Children of Caine"... vampires. Our kind has existed since the beginning of time, preying on the kine... my apologies, "humans", and shaping their evolution through the ages. And the four of you are the newest inductees to our society. You are no longer of the mortal world. Your mortal self is now dead. Your body is dead. Your humanity is dying as well, even as we speak."

The dark figure claps his hands twice, and a young boy enters the room. He looks much the same as the servants seen earlier; short blond hair, blue eyes, around age 10, wearing a white colonial shirt, navy blue knickers, white hosen and black house shoes. He calmly walks to the side of the Dark Figure's chair, and tilts his head to one side.

"Things are not as bad as the seem, mes amis..."

The Dark Figure raises a finger, which shapes itself into a menacing claw.

"... while there are certain lifestyle changes one must become accustomed to..."

The Dark Figure brings his claw to the child's neck, and slices a deep gash across his throat. The child's expression never changes.

"... that stuff you see in movies? Garlic? Crosses? Running water? Harmless..."

The Dark Figure tilts the child's head forward, and fills his crystal wineglass with the child's gushing blood.

"... most weapons of the mortal world are useless against us. By the way, how does that shoulder feel, my dear?"

The Dark Figure smiles at Rachel, sets down his own glass, points his finger at the table, and the glasses in front of Rachel and Big D begin sliding across the table.

"...You would be wise, however, to avoid the light of the sun. Fire as well, along with shotgun blasts, and explosive devices..."

The glasses now full, the Dark Figure sets them on the table. His claw morphs back to a finger, and the glasses slide themselves back into place.

"... you must consume blood to retain your immortality, this is not negotiable. Go without it for too long, and The Beast will consume you, just like your friend [looking at Tom Tom] commiting vile, monstrous acts upon the innocent..."

The Dark Figure leans to one side, and licks the child's blood-gushing neck. The wound is now healed, and the child calmly walks away.

"... we're ALL monsters," He says through blood-stained lips, "...it's how to take advantage of it that counts!"

The Dark Figure leans back in his chair and licks the remaining blood from his lips.

"Within our society, we have an extensive political organization referred to as The Camarilla. I happen to be the head of this organization in New Orleans. Rarely does anything take place without reaching my ears or obtaining my permission, be advised of that. You see I... ahh, but please, we shall save the politics for a later night. Tonight, you are my guests. My home is yours. I require only two things; if it's locked, don't open it. And if there is something you need, simply ask. My servants are quite skilled at attending to your "special" needs."

The dark figure stands, and raises his glass high.

"Bon-chance, mes amis. I am Prince Henri Gaston LeBlanc. Welcome to my city, the City that Care Forgot."

5:08 AM

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April 9, 2007 - Monday

VAMP: Mistaken Identity, Part 1

March 31^st, 2007, 11:34 pm – Just outside of New Orleans, LA

The black Lincoln Continental limousine speeds down the two-lane blacktop. Driving the vehicle is a large black man, dressed in a black leather biker jacket and urban-assault camouflage pants. In the passenger seat is a larger black man, bald, wearing a fine cut black suit. Rachel, Thomas, Brayden, and "Big D", all seated in the back, attempt to make some sense of what has just happened. They are still without clothing, save for Brayden (who is wearing the dead man's blood-stained pants), and without a clue of what has taken place. Rachel sits nursing the bullet wound in her shoulder, stunned by the fact that she is still alive, and not losing any blood.

The road leads onward, far away from the lights of La Ville. Blacktop becomes pavement, pavement becomes gravel, gravel becomes dirt. The dirt stops abruptly at the sight of a black iron gate. The driver flips down a console from the center dash, and inputs a few numbers. Ever resourceful from his military days, Brayden manages to catch a glimpse of the code… "5,7". The gate opens, the limo pulls in, and the driver shuts the gate.

The road leading beyond is a slate-red brick. Cypress and willow trees line the sides of the road, branches swooping down like a theatrical curtain. Though the trees themselves do not appear out of place, they are spaced evenly away from each other… perhaps a foot ½, perhaps two? Either way, the trees line the driveway like statuesque columns, uniform and deliberate. As the limo drives on, the trees break to reveal a large French Colonial-style manor house.

The limo pulls up in front of the house. The driver turns off the vehicle, and says to our friends "Go on inside, ya? LeBlanc is waitin' for ya." With that, our friends exit the vehicle. They proceed up the wooden-slated stairs to the front door, and are greeted by 4 young boys; each of them with short blonde hair, blue eyes, and dressed in white colonial shirts with navy colored knickers, white hosen, and black house shoes. Each boy is holding a set of clothes for our friends. "Big D" and Thomas dress themselves in the clothing provided. Brayden puts on the shirt, leaving his bloody pants on… and Rachel remains nude, holding onto the dress she was given. They are summoned inside the large manor.

The Foyer Hall of the manor is extravagantly decorated in lavish 18^th century styling that uniquely blends antebellum Southern culture and French Provincial; white marble floors, adorned with various Aubusson rugs, glisten light from the antique crystal chandelier. A large staircase sits towards the end of the hall, constructed of deep cherry wood , and carpeted with a deep red floral rug, hinted with gold and silver. Various pieces of French Impressionist artwork hang on the walls, encompassed by hand-crafted golden frames. The opulence and wealth of the owner is depicted rather undisputedly.

To the right, a large cherry-stained archway gives passage to a large dining room… and here is where our friends are led. Similarly decorated, the Dining Room bears a long dining room table constructed of solid teak, with an intricately carved glass-overlaid top, situated on top of a blood-red cherry wood floor. On the walls surrounding the room are finely carved cherry wood cabinets, filled with fine porcelain china and Waterford crystal wineglasses. Two large glass-pane windows sit on the north wall, outlined in gold-plated sills, and draped with crimson hued crushed velvet tied back by golden silk ropes. Seven solid teak armchairs padded with crushed scarlet velvet line each side of the table like soldiers at attention, overseen by an oversized hand-carved teak throne at the head… and it is here that a dark figure is seated, gently sipping a deep crimson-colored liquid from a crystal sherry glass.

The figure appears to be around 25 years old. His short chestnut hair is modernly styled, with dark almond eyes piercing through the thin reading glasses on his nose. Not a small man by any means, he would stand two inches above six feet, if he were standing, and one could guess his weight at above two hundred pounds. His custom tailored 3-button single-breasted charcoal pinstripe suit only further accentuates his statuesque frame. And he smiles to our friends, revealing a fierce set of fangs: "Bonsoir, mes amis… entrer. We 'ave mush to deescuss."

12:01 AM

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March 1, 2007 - Thursday

Stories of RAS: The Lawn-Donkey that Got Away

We're gonna get that fuckin' donkey, if it's the last thing we ever do. That donkey's got it comin'.

An old man lived about 4 blocks away from one of our friends. And we had to drive past this old man's house to get to our friend's house. And in the yard of ths old man's house was a lawn ornament. This wasn't your garden-variety lawn-gnome mind you, no no no. This was a 3 1/2 ft. long, 19 3/4in. tall, ornately detailed donkey-pulling-a-cart ornament. Now part of the RAS initiation, of course, was to steal lawn gnomes. Nothing harmful, nothing earth-shattering... but it WAS a right-of-passage into RAS-dom. And, by this time, our group was growing in numbers. We had quite the collection of gnomes, elves, angels... we even had a headless 1930's-style black boy fishing! But none in our collection could compare to that old man's donkey. We HAD to have it.

To this day, I'll never understand it. The old man was obviously well-off, judging by the 2 Beamers in the driveway. He also had an outdoor spotlight attached to the side of his house, possibly for security purposes. But did he have the 1,000 lumen spotlight poised on the $75,000+ vehicles in the driveway? No. Guess where he DID have it poised? That's right... the goddamned donkey in the middle of the yard. Note also that this light was mounted directly above a huge pane-glass living room window, void of curtains. Our previous two attempts at donkey retreival ended badly... one with a baseball bat-weilding old man chasing us, the other with gun shots whizzing by. This required careful planning.

It's 3:30 am on Halloween night, and the plan was set. Big Rob and Mike were gonna sneak carefully through the neighboorhood, infiltrate the old man's backyard, and create a distraction of some sort... while myself and CK walked casually past his house, waiting for the distraction to occur, nab the donkey and haul ass down the block to Goon's getaway car. It was flawless.

Perhaps we should've been more specific with the plans. For one, when we said "distraction", we didn't mean a string of 300 firecrackers under a tin coffee can. Secondly, when we said "quickly nab" the donkey, we didn't mean a vicious two-man battle to manipulate a 4ft. long, 2 ft. high SOLID STONE LAWN ORNAMENT that weighed 400,000 lbs. And lastly, when we said "get-away car", we meant a car that would actually GET AWAY... not stall out at the end of the block, in time for the cops to catch up (apparently, someone reported hearing the fireworks go off).

We never did get that fine piece of ass...

5:45 PM

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March 1, 2007 - Thursday

Stories of RAS - "Which Way to Gannaway's?"

*The names have not been changed to protect anyone. Screw the innocent.

She lived off of 68th St, and she didn't know where 68th St. was! She was only about 2 blocks away from it, and it was only a 5-LANE MAIN STREET VISIBLE FROM HER FRONT DOOR... nonetheless, she didn't know how to find it.

Needless to say, this made things interesting for myself & Kato. We were at our friend "Gannaway's" apartment, less than 5 minutes away. While there, Brad got a phone call from his girlfriend Laura. She wanted to know EVERYTHING about what he was doing, where he was at, when he'd be home... etc. After a good 20 minutes of bickering, he offered for her to come over. Being that she'd never been to Gannaway's before, he tried to give her directions. Very simple; pull out of her driveway, turn left down Liberty Ave, turn right onto 68th St., and follow 68th St to Broadway... apartment complex driveway on the corner, ya can't miss it. A grand total of 2 miles... if even that?

"Um, ok... so like, where's 68th street?" Now we're caught up. This was the last straw for Brad. It was at this time that Kato and I offered to go pick her up & bring her over. We told her we'd be there in about 1/2 an hour, seeing as how it was "that long of a distance, it might take a while". For the love of all things holy & pure, we KNEW the bitch was dumb... we didn't think she was plumb fuckin' STUPID!

After a good half an hour of laughing hysterically at her intellectual inferiority, we left to go get her... video camera and "Irving the Jewish Rubber-Chicken of Love" in tow. We get to her house, and she gets in the car. We take 68th St. to 169 Highway, and head north... from Gladstone to Smithville (about 15 miles).. subtley making fun of the broad the entire time, and video taping, of course.

We stop at McDonalds to pick up a couple of Shamrock Shakes, when Kato and I come to the "realization" that we went the wrong way. I guess somewhere in the midst of all the video-taping, rubber-chickening, and erradic driving, we got lost. It was then up to her to help us get back home.

About 1:30am, we're arriving in Westport (probably 30 miles south of our original starting point, we left at 9:00pm)- via backroads which she lead us on. By this time, we're "completely lost"... and wandering around Downtown Westport (with a video camera & a rubber chicken). Somewhere along the line, she got the idea that we had driven all the way to Iowa. So, we went with it. Yeah, sure, you're right. This has to be Iowa, and we're completely lost. "You should go ask the [non-caucasion urbanite] locals for directions. Just tell 'em you need to find Gannaway's. They should know him, he's a popular guy"... and wouldn't ya know it, she actually got out of the car!

Never did figure out how she got home... and Brad didn't miss her in the least!

5:58 AM

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