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Rebel S. Columbo [sumbitch]

Rebel Columbo


Last Updated: 1/5/2010

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Gender: Female
Status: Married
Age: 32
Sign: Aries

City: ALTO
Country: US
Signup Date: 1/3/2007

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Saturday, January 02, 2010 
Thursday, December 31, 2009 
I moved you in because you were all slat-sided thin, trying to eat a tree branch in the front yard, and I couldn't abide that. And how do you repay me? By shredding every paper plate in the trash, and sometimes books too. Like "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", and I wasn't even finished with it yet. But the last straw was when you stole the chicken from my dinner plate when my back was turned, and I had to put you in a headlock and wrestle you to the ground to get it back. I didn't plan on eating it anymore, mostly because I see you poking around the cat box all the time, but it was the principle of the thing.

What I'm trying to say to you, Melt the half-tard dog, is that you better straighten up your act, or I'll send your ass to live with the family down the street. You know the one I'm talking about...the ones with the dejected, busted down horse stored in a tiny side yard. See if those folks will remember to give you your vitamin in the morning, you little pissant.
Friday, December 25, 2009 
Royce Hardeman is about the nastiest sumbitch on God's green earth, with teeth as black as midnight in a coal mine, and crooked as gravestones in a churchyard. The rest of him ain't much better, as he has only passing acquaintance with his bathtub, and a nasty skinrash to boot. He smells like he might have been chainsmoking Camel filterless in a closet for the last thirty years, and he breathes heavy, like a locomotive going uphill. Which is why I am confused about why the cricket wasn't dislodged earlier.

Let me explain.

Yesterday, Royce came in to get his Enfield out of hock, and he was standing hunched over the paperwork, breathing heavy, with a look of savage concentration on his face. And that's when the head of a cricket flew out of his left nostril and fell on his 4473 form. Surely that's not what I saw, I was thinking, when a cricket leg came flying out of the same nostril and landed next to the head. And then another leg, and another.

I managed to avoid vomiting, but it was real questionable there for a second. Real questionable.

Merry Christmas! Love ya'll.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009 
Bear said he was pulling a 14 ft. trailer full of firewood behind his dually pickup truck, on his way home from work, just before dark. He was cruising along at 70 miles per hour, listening to some Waylon Jennings, when the doe darted out from the edge of the forest, and ran straight into the side of his trailer. "What the fuck was that," Bear hollered, and pulled onto the shoulder. He reached behind the seat for his rifle and remembered that he'd left that sumbitch over at Cooder's house after he got too shitfaced after their last huntin' trip, so he pulled his survival knife from the glovebox. By the time he got to the back of the trailer, the doe, both front legs badly broken, was struggling onto her back legs. And while he watched, that motherbitch started JUMPIN' back towards the forest, like a fuckin' kangaroo or some shit. So Bear had to run after her, but she was scared, and hoppin' fast, and Bear had to TACKLE her, and cut her throat from behind. He called the game warden, and the game warden took her to a poor family over in Woden, so they'd have some meat to eat.

It was the right thing to do.
Friday, December 04, 2009 
Lori says that since
she took a bite out
of her boy's shoulder
and CPS took him away
she spends more money
on drugs to feel better
and she also says
that every twelve dollar
pint of vodka
does it's part.

And someone stole
her 42" tv
and the boy's PS3.
Police say it's drug related
and Lori agrees
that she'll have to buy
even more drugs now
to deal with the loss.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009 

Category: Life
I was digging through some papers, and I found this letter, written by my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather (an interesting side note, he was the one to start the tradition of naming girls Rebel) He is writing home to his wife during the midst of the War of Yankee Aggression, or the Civil War as yankees like to call it.

Columbus Ky., Jany 18th 1862
(Thursday)
My Dear wife,
Your letter of the 11th (written Saturday night and received Tuesday morning after I had just finished one to send by Isaac Parker) was read with a great deal of pleasure by me. I read and reread it and every time could not restrain a laugh at the manner you ridiculed my culinary skill. You want me to send you a bite of my molasses custards so that you can enjoy a hearty guffaw at my expense and even hint by way of irony that you women, after the war, will surrender your prerogative in the kitchen to us men. In other words that you will secede and have us duly installed as "chief cooks and bottle washers," while you sit back in your easy chairs and with your native dignity and grace, pronounce our dainty meals to your company, as not fit to eat, when you know it is better than they are used to at home. This you will do to extort their encomiums, and then you will glide into the kitchen to tell us how this lady and that one praised our custards and how Mrs. ______, whom all the men admire, said, "They were the nicest she ever ate." With this kind of finesse, (soft solder), you expect to secure our continued services as your cooks, for you well know that if a woman's smile will make us fools, her compliments will make us slaves forever. But, my Dear, there is one serious obstacle in our being cooks after the war. We know how expert you ladies' are with the broom-handle and will dread its power upon our craniums. Have I again slandered your sex? If so, assemble a jury of the prettiest you can find, to try my case. I shall object to any sour, vinegar-faced Old Maid, who has lived just long enough in disappointment to despise the men. Read your charges of slander to such a fair Jury as this, and read, if you wish, this very intelligible letter to them, (for my admiration of one of their number has caused me to take much pains in its preparation,) and whatever their verdict may be, I will cheerfully submit to it. Perhaps, you would not be willing to risk me in the hands of such a Jury, but would prefer trying me yourself. In that event, I know that your partialities and affection will favor me, and that I will come off fully acquitted. Thus assured, I feel impatient to hear the sentence that you as my pretty little Judge, will pronounce against me. Let me hear it.

(Friday) Just here, I have had two interruptions to my letter writing, the last of which has changed my facetiousness into something more serious that I fear I cannot get into the strain again. I was busy preparing the above yesterday, intending it to contain my defense against your charge of slander, when "Company came in." This was the case last night, (Thursday night) as my visitors stayed all night. An old gentleman by the name of Chrisman was my bedfellow, and a very restless one at that. He was taken sick in the night, and rolled and turned about so much on my narrow bed, that he allowed me but very little room for sleeping. In addition to this, (I will say more of Chrisman after awhile.), I was aroused at 4 o'clock with orders to have the company ready at 8 in the morning with one day's (24 hours) rations for a march, which order was for the whole regiment. Of course it occasioned much surmise in the whole Reg't as to what route we would take and the general opinion prevailed that we were to be sent after a body of yankeys who were reported to be in our vicinity and that we would certainly have a brush with them today. No time to sit down then, to write a hurried note and inform you of what was going on or even to bid you any advice, but commending you and my precious family to God's protecting care, preparations were busily made for our mysterious and sudden march. I am truly glad now that the time was not afforded me to finish my letter, as it would have caused you very much uneasiness and anxiety about me, and besides I have just returned from our long and weary tramp through the snow, mud and slush, and in the same letter give you all the particulars of what we saw and did, and also that I am neither killed, wounded nor missing, but sitting safe and sound, by my cozy little fire, engaged in writing to my sweet wife and children, the pleasantness of the task more than counter-balancing the fatigue I have endured and now feel from a 12 mile walk. Captain White was sick and the command of the company devolved on me, and C,,A, being on picket duty, ours being not in order had to lead off at the head of our column. Our departure attracted much attention and gave rise to the prediction that the yanks would cut out (vamose) when the 4th Reg't is sent after them and there would be no fighting. This has usually been the case and was fully verified at Belmont and again today.

After marching 6 miles, nearly to Elliott's Mills, we were informed by those living on the road that the yanks had left a few hours before, apparently very much frightened, and stealing their horses and mules to ride; and taking some of the citizens back with them as prisoners. Our calvary (4 companies) were sent 4 miles further on and ascertained that the enemy had made it in double quick to Blandville, 20 miles from here, where they had several thousand men and 12 cannon. Our force comprised only one Reg't and Col. Mark's (LA) Battalion-14 companies- together with the four cavalry Cos and no artillery. In all, scarcely 1200 men, and besides we only had rations for today and positive orders from Polk to return in 24 hours, whereas it would have taken at least another day to have gone to Blandville, whipped them out, and return to Columbus. I say confidently, whipped them out, because they were so much alarmed, that, not knowing our real strength, could easily have been stampeded. But under all these circumstances we took up the line of march back to camp, where I now have the pleasure of being comfortably quartered instead of spending the night in the rain upon the wet ground, as we expected to do. Many of the men gave out and stopped on the wayside to rest, but my indomitable perseverance and will bore me up without flagging in the least, though tonight I have been troubled with an acute pain on my left shoulder, caused by loss of sleep last night, and standing on the snow and the mud today waiting for the cavalry to reconsider. This was the most disagreeable part of our trip, for we were much heated by the walk, packing our arms, overcoats, blankets, provisions and etc. And, with wet feet, we soon became chilled when we stopped. But since I have been writing, the pain of which I complained has entirely left me. The warm fire has dried my feet, and but for the loss of sleep last night and fatigue today I would finish my letter tonight. But it is now late, all asleep but myself, and I must beg your kind indulgence until tomorrow (Saturday) when I may think of something fresh to day. My letter will bear date tomorrow but you must understand that it was commenced Thursday and my tramp was on Friday, which I fear you may hear something about before getting this. Hence my anxiety to be ready for next mail. But good night it is now past 10 o'clock.

(Saturday morning)
Rained hard all night and pouring down this morning. Kitchen leaked badly, the stove pipe and stove full of water. Like most housekeepers wake up in a fret (no slander intended) at the poor prospect for breakfast. Did not scold, because I could not do the subject justice. John Nelson coughed, groaned, hawked and spit all night disturbing my slumber. No provisions to cook - all out - no fire to cook - the stove wet - and to add insult to injury the rain spattering on my paper while sitting by the window trying to write this particular sort of letter, which I wished to make plain enough for all to read, besides that Jury of fair ladies who are to try my case for slander before you as Judge.

Mr. Chrisman was an old acquaintance of Pa's and knew all his relations - his brothers and nephews and etc. Did you get the letter I sent by Mrs. Elder- If so, did you give Allen's passport to him and what has become of him. If you have not sent by Bradshaw yet for sugar and molasses, do not do so, as I will write to Wash to buy them for you. Bradshaw will want commission for his trouble or will charge some profit. Let me hear immediately so I can write to Wash or you write yourself inclosing $25 to him and ask him to send you bill. I received a letter from him and will and must answer it soon. Collect the notes on Love, Richardson, and Simmons and keep the money for further instructions. The Paymaster is to pay us Monday next, when I will send you four hundred dollars more to keep for me. I want to pay off some debts with this money but will not do so at present for a special reason. It may be necessary at sometime to remove you all to some place of greater security, should the enemy ever succeed in passing us, and I wish to be provided against every contingency. I am in that such a contingency may never arise - will sacrifice my life to prevent it - and if it never does, the money will be subject to my debts. But my family's safety is my first consideration, and all that I make - all that I do shall be sacredly devoted to that object. Remember your own safety and that of our children may someday depend upon it. You may all be fugitives for God only knows when and how the war may end, and the greater the means you have the less difficulty in your fight. No Yankee hireling must invade the sanctity of my home and my family subject to their mercy - for mercy they have none and neither do they respect age nor sex.

Adieu my dear wife, may God's blessing ever attend you and my beloved children. You have at all times my warmest affection and prayers.

Your Affectionate Husband,
A.S. Currey
Tuesday, November 24, 2009 

Category: Friends

The pothole in the handicap parking space had expanded to stock pot size when the spring rains came. The water mixed with the red Texas dirt at the bottom of the hole, and became a soupy mess that made me think of chile con carne. While I smoked, I watched old lady jewelry customers climb out of Oldsmobiles and Buicks and narrowly avoid broken hips and stained pant suits.


Aunt Cheryl refused to fill the hole or pay to repave the parking lot because the city promised to pay for it five years ago, on account of the water main they busted being the reason the parking lot is cracked and buckled in the first place. And the land lord wouldn't pay for it either, because he refused to pay for most repairs, including the leaky roof that made the ceiling sag in the tool room. The landlord was a sorry bastard that looked like Kenny Loggins in tiny white tennis shorts. He was considered to be a crook by most, but those same folks agreed that he was not as crooked as his daddy, a man universally despised by everyone that knew him. It was also said that the landlord's daddy's coffin had been pissed on by half of ..East Texas.., cause the folks he ripped off in life took their satisfaction when he died. But I wander....


I noticed it for the first time during my after lunch cigarette break. The handicap pothole was full of concrete chunks. Actually half of the pothole was filled in with concrete chunks, piled willy nilly, sharp points aimed at the sky. The right side was empty, and looked deeper by comparison.


"Cheryl? Are you filling in the pothole?"


"No, but I saw that. I wonder who did it. I can tell you one thing...it sure as shit wasn't the landlord or the city."


"Well that's just weird. But really nice. We have a mystery samaritan!"


The samaritan brought more concrete chunks the following week, working under the cover of night. The pothole had been transformed from a chili pot to a miniature mountain that the college boys in 4x4's were afraid to drive over. People preferred to park with the ass-end of their automobile hanging out on Main Street rather than drive over the repaired hole.


"Cheryl, did you notice that they finished filling in the pothole? It looks a little haphazard."


"Yeah, I'm hoping that the samaritan isn't finished yet. Who do you think it is?"


"I thought about it, and I suspect it might be Chuck. He's over road & bridge crew now, and it seems like something he would do."


"You think so? I think that if anybody is filling our pothole anonymously, it would be Larry."


A week later, I noticed the parking lot as soon as Eric dropped me off at work.


"Holy shit! The samaritan finished the job. Look at that! Shit is perfect!"


I jumped out of the car to inspect it. The hunks of concrete were level, invisible, hidden under a dense layer of small rocks and tar, even with the surrounding pavement. I felt bad for doubting the samaritan. He was clearly a man that took pride in a job well done.


Cheryl was also impressed with the quality of the work, and further convinced that Larry had done it.


"I'm gonna ask him the next time we see him, and I bet you money it was that man."


It took two days of waiting before Larry made his appearance. He pulled his battered Blazer, the one with bullet proof seats, into the refurbished handicap spot, and shuffled into the building.


"Hey everbody! How ya'll been doin'?"


We greeted him, allowed that we'd all been pretty good, and asked him the same. He told us about the hotel, said they were moving him from days to nights, said his kids were growing so fast, and he'd taken up riding motorcycles for fun again. And he was pretty close to being finished with the rifle he'd been working on, building it from a Mauser action manufactured by Winchester, and was planning on buying himself a nice long distance scope. He believed it was gonna be a mighty fine shooting gun, and pulled a paper target from his shirt pocket and pointed at the 1 ½ inch shot group. I took my opportunity when he paused for breath.


"Cheryl, did you ask Larry about the hole?"


"No," she said. "Larry, did you fill in our hole?"


"What hole," Larry asked, avoiding eye contact.


"The hole in my parking lot."


"What about it?"


"Did...you...fill...it...Larry?"


Larry looked at me, attempted the face of an innocent school boy. "Whoever filled that hole in did a good job. They took their time and did things right. Have you seen that hole? It looks like it's been professionally filled."


"I know that Larry," Aunt Cheryl said. "Was it you that did such a good job filling in that hole Larry?"


Larry threw back his head and belly laughed at the saggy ceiling, slapped his thigh in celebration.


"I bet ya'll were going crazy, trying to figure out who was filling in your pot hole. I'd come by every couple of days, in the evenings. I just did a little bit at a time!"


He laughed more and tears streamed down his cheeks. "I wish I coulda been a fly on the wall and heard ya'll trying to figure it out. Who in the world?...Who is filling that hole in? I bet it was so funny! Ya know why I did it? Back in the late eighties when I still had my liquor store, I had a big ole pothole like that. One day I came to work and noticed somebody had put bricks in my hole. And every night, theyd add a little more, and it was drivin me crazy tryin to figure out who was doin it. Finally, this guy dropped by, started asking me questions about my hole. I knew something was up, so I asked him, Did you fill my hole? He started laughin, and said he drove a truck, delivering bricks. At the end of the night, hed have left over broken bricks, so he found a place to put em, my hole. So, when I noticed your hole, and then my neighbor had his drive-way re-rocked and I realized that they put a dangerous amount of rock on that drive-way. I didnt want my neighbor to skid, so I found a hole and put his extra rocks in it. See yall later!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 

Category: Games
A conversation I overheard in Dollar General while waiting to pay for my eggs and razorblades...

The man behind me in line slapped a pair of pants down on the counter and announced, "I'm gonna wear these blue jeans til they turn pink."

"Alright," replied the helpful new Dollar General manager. "How are you today?"

"Pretty good I reckon," said Mr. Pinkjeans.

"Would you like to donate a dollar for cancer research," asked the manager.

"I don't give a crap about that," said Mr. Pinkjeans.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009 
I found this on the Nacogdoches Daily Sentinel website. Seems like Fake Pookie had some adventure left in him after we left....

Driving while intoxicated and possession of a controlled substance, 1100 block of Spokane Street. The driver of a vehicle involved in a rollover accident became combative while en route to the hospital and jumped out of the ambulance and began to run down South Fredonia Street. The driver was located and found to have Hydrocodone and suspected PCP drugs. He was arrested.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009 
We were leaving the pawn shop last night, rehashing our day. We rounded the curve by the inappropriately named "Lucky Stop" when we heard a crunch and saw sparks from the transformer shoot into the sky. The light pole fell over, live wires falling on the hood of the truck that just hit it. Aunt Cheryl whipped her car onto the side street and handed me her cell phone before jumping out of the car to render aid.

"Call 911, tell 'em we've got live wires down," she yelled over her shoulder.

A crowd of folks gathered around the wreck, all hoping to be a hero. 911 promised that help was on the way. That didn't stop the shirtless white guy with the necktoo from kicking out the passenger side window.

"We've gotta get him out, the cab is filling with smoke!"

"Watch out for those live wires!"

They pulled a fat black man from the wreckage. The force of the impact knocked him out of his pants, and his junk was hanging out.

"Oh my god, that's Pookie," screamed a skinny black girl. She grabbed his face, whipping it back and forth. "Pookie! Pookie! Is you okay? Wait a minute...that ain't Pookie." She began to tug at his pants furiously, trying to bring them up to a modest level.

"Hon, we don't know if he has a broken neck or back, we need to just get him on the ground."

"But his junk is showing," the skinny black girl replied.

"The EMT's have seen junk before. We just need to stabilize him until help gets here."

The fat drunk guy was laying on the ground, his face covered in a shit eating grin. "I can't feel a thing," he said.

"I'm not surprised," Aunt Cheryl told me, "he smells like a brewery. If he's alright, he's going to jail tonight."



Currently listening:
The Carter Family: 1927-1934
By The Carter Family
Release date: 2002-04-30