Of everything I’ve written... every problem I have tried to solve through this blog, this may be the most important. The world is evolving. Technology is improving. And in the future (according to oh so many movies) one problem is always at the center of controversy.
Clones.
In the future, we will have clones. Clones of humans. Clones of Athletes. Clones of dogs. Clones of cats. Clones of the small. Clones of the fat. Clones with shirts. And clones with hats.
You may not think its important right now. The researchers at Texas A&M cloned a sheep. But that was like ten years ago and solely for their intercampus dating program. We won’t be cloning people or important animals for quite some time. So, let’s deal with it when it comes up.
Sorry, that’s not good enough for me. I need to start planning the future and setting the wrongs right and creating a wonderful place for this...
No, its not a snowstorm brewing over Minnesota.
My wife, Kara is pregnant and that is our first child.
All of the obligatory questions:
1. When is she due?
October 1, 2008.
2. What is the sex of the baby?
Dunno yet. The ultrasounds don’t show that until like 20 weeks and Kara is at about 11 weeks now.
3. Do you have names picked out?
Almost.
4. Will you tell me the names?
No.
5. You live in Austin, will you let the child attend the University of Texas?
No. A detailed brainwashing opration will bein at birth to associate the University of Texas with all things wrong and evil and Texas Tech as a beacon of light trying to eradicate the evils of burnt orange from the face of the Earth.
6. I’m really worried about you as a parent.
I’m not. But seeing as how my wife Kara has already stated she is going to limit my time with the child, she may share your concerns.
7. Are you worried about male pattern baldness and passing that to your offspring?
It seems inevitable. Not going to stress about what I can’t change.
8. So, you started off talking about Clones like you were about to rail on a George Lucas movie, now you’re having a kid. What gives?
Glad you brought that up. You see, you may think that cloing of humans as a problem to be dealt with by future generations in a galaxy far, far away, but its here....
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/technology/technology.html?in_article_id=508887&in_page_id=1965
A British guy has cloned... himself.
And its not even a cool British guy like Daniel Craig.
Its this man:
Luckily the clone didn’t survive. But can you imagine a world where you could be walking down the street and see this:
Is that a world you want to give to your children?
Also, what was the conversation like with the first person he told that he had cloned himself? Was he at his lab and he ran to his scientist friend:
"Bob! I did it! I cloned a person!"
"That’s amazing! Who did you clone?"
""Myself!"
Stunned silence.
"Y... yourself..? Why... why jot Jill... from accounting...? The one who wears those low cut shirts?"
In the Arnold Schwarzeneggaritoyatalatabingbong movie "The 6th Day" (
Link), it is the way future. Somehow the
XFL survived in that version of the future, so I’m not sure how much stock we can place in the movie. In that future, cloining technology has been perfected, yet they do not allow the cloning of humans because it is forbidden by some International Cloning laws that had already been written by the time the movie began. Then there’s a big hub-a-ba-loo when humans are secretly being cloned and the Governator has to go stop them. And there’s flying cars. The XFL is around. And there’s two Arnolds.
That’s a future none of us want.
So, who will write these International Cloning laws? Do you really trust congress to do this? Have they ever solved any problems? Do you want the UN taking care of it? Its up to us.
Law 1
No Politician may ever be cloned. There’s too many of them as is. They do nothing but encourage strife between the people to try to gain as many votes for themselves. They just suck.
And that would also save us the two Arnolds.
Win-win-win.
Law 2
A ten year waiting period must observed before any musician or pop icon can be cloned. What if we had cloned Wham! Could we really look back and be proud of that? Or even worse... what if, at the height of Michael Jackson’s fame, around the time of Thriller, had we thought "You know what, the rest of this music in the 1980’s sucks. Michael Jackson is the only one making music that speaks to me. We need 100 more of him to make hundreds of records!"
And then they all turned. Like Gremlins. At first they were furry, cute mogwai. We wanted a bunch of them.
Then it was too late. We had a hundred Michale Jacksons turning white and invading Chuck E. Cheeses and Toys ’R Us all across the nation all at once. And no one can stop them.
We don’t know who the next Michael Jackson may be. It only took Amy Winehouse 13 of her fifteen minute of fame to show her true colors. No one can hide their true self from the public for ten years. If they make it pass that period and we still like them... have at it.
Law 3
If you have a moustache like this...
You are not allowed to clone yourself.
Law 4
A person who is cloned must be cloned to the same age they are at the present time.
What if, you were near the end? 97 years old. And then you could clone yourself, with your current memories into a 14 year old body.
And then... 83 years later... you could do it again.
You could live forever. Maybe unlock the secrets of the universe and time itself.
But what if Rob Schneider wanted to do this? I’m afraid its a risk we can’t take.
Law 5
If any person should happen to clone themselves four times over and then start a boy band, all five shall be destroyed immediately.
Law 6
If any person has appeared on Jerry Springer or any similar type program, they are disqualified from cloning of themselves or any family members.
Law 7
No University of Texas Longhorns shall be eleigible for cloning.
Law 8
?????
This is meant to be a fluid and evolving document in which we will all solve this problem together. Eventually we will create a governing body that will be a judiciary branch that governs who shall have cloning right and who shall not and with what frequency. They may decide that twelve more Jessica Alba’s is alright. They may say that one more Robin Williams would be funny, but two more is just a little too much. They will outline what rights the clones have. Regardless, we need to start this now and set the rules before the government can. That’s the very least I can do for my kid.
And yes I am also worried for my kid when they have a father like me.