1. grab a sweater and stick it in the back of your closet, under your gym clothes. bust it out two days later and spray it with some aqua di gio, or whatever fragrance it was that prolonged your last relationship for an additional 6 months.

2. ask yourself "are you cold?"

3. say to yourself "yeah, a little."

4. take the sweater off the floor and say, "here, you can borrow this. it's kinda dirty, but...."

5. put in on and say "thank you....um, it's a little big for me."

6. pour yourself a glass of wine and forget about it for a while. put on some music you don't hate.

7. return to the kitchen, pick up the wine and go "did you pour this for me? oh my god, you are so sweet."

8. ask indirectly for a backrub. claim that your hands are tired (you had practice all day) and then offer to put on a dvd.

9. put on a dvd. arrested development is good, but if you wanna get deep, go with 28 days later or Sunshine. "i know you like Cillian Murphy, so i got these for you."

10. say thank you and promise next time we can watch Full Metal Jacket (whatever).

11. get irresponsibly drunk in the comfort of your own home.

12. ask bluntly for a blowjob and in the same breath, reply that your neck hurts.

13. then, go fuck yourself.

if after this you still need a boyfriend, are unsure if that guy is your boyfriend, or have a boyfriend, you'll probably have a whole new set of requirements for whatever the motherfucker is supposed to bring to the table.

the power to walk through walls / fix cars / write upside down and backwards?

choose wisely.

last night i had a staredown with a possum in my backyard. i'm pretty sure it was as scared of me as i was of it. so i went on the internet, for protection, and i discovered that the bare-faced, rat-tailed oversized rodent i was looking at is actually a not a proper possum at all., but in fact an opossum, the only north american marsupial. big diff. possums are cute:

so i did some awesome makeup, went to the bank, got a smoothie (not from the bank) and i even had time to write some haikus:

"toyota prius"

bio-friendly car

parked all up in my driveway

earth-conscious asshole.

 

"smoothie dude"

jamba smoothie dude

made me way too much smoothie

it's vegan though, so i'll try.

 

"pilates so hottie"

pilates teacher

yeah, your name is Alison

your butt is like 'whoa.'

"electric six"

dick valentine is

someone who should consider

being my husband.

 

 

sometimes i really like working in a restaurant. like tonight when i worked for four hours, made a hundred dollars, and walked out of the restaurant with a half full bottle of wild horse pinot noir, politely ditched at one of my tables. cocktail hookering was not so bad. now it's hot as fuck outside and i am sincerely hoping some rad people are going to be hanging at the blue dolphin later, because by the time i finish this bottle, i am going to be sincerely drunk. 

i had a dream that i found myself in a recording contract negotiation situation and the only stipulation was that i would be required by my label to co-produce and perform a track with katy perry. i was mortified. i threw a fit in front of rec execs and once i regained my composure, compiled lists upon lists of potential alternative female duet partners on a big yellow legal pad. lovefoxx from css? how about that girl i'm not super crazy about who sings for metric? motherfucking winehouse, doods, anyone else. come onnn.

my 'label' would not compromise, and my protests, though vehement, fell upon deaf (and clearly dumb) ears. katy perry walked into the room (late for the meeting) and sat down in a corner and opened up her metallic pink apple ibook. her manager came up and shook my hand and said how he was 'really excited' and sure we were going to have a 'totally hot single on our hands' and don't even get him started on the music video. so hot. i withdrew myself from the handshake, looked over at kp, still nose deep in her macbook, and said 'hold up. there is no way i'm going to make out with her on camera for money.' to which my manager replied, 'well, how badly do you want to be on warped tour?'

holy fucking fuck.

me: how many granola bars do you think you can eat in a day?

timo:  comfortably?

me: no, uncomfortably. yes, comfortably.

timo: 14 or 15.

me: what about uncomfortably?

timo: .... well, that's a much bigger number.

tonight i was on the phone with my mom, who was embroidering something onto something for my cousin's baby shower, and drinking diet pepsi. i said "ew mom, at least drink diet coke. it's still bad for you but at least it tastes good!" her reply was strange:

"mina, coke is disgusting. pepsi is superior."

even stranger was my dad's concurrence, in stereo as he approached the kitchen sink:

"pepsi is wayyyyyyy better than coke. what's the matter with you?"

WHAT?

i thought i was borne of cokeheads. i mean i was. but not cokeheads who also drank PEPSI with their racked up rails, watching Laker games and listening to The Eagles and being all like "babe, isn't Pepsi soooo much better than Coke?"

                                             "yeah fuck yeah it totally is!"

                                             "god we are so ALIKE!"

                                             "GO LAKERS."

how did me and timo turn out to prefer coca cola? isn't it the case that coca cola is the superior cola drink? i believe this with unflagging commitment. my parents, howev, not so much. i can barely compute this information, but i'm glad that they both preferred the same soda. isn't it impossible to be in love with someone if they like coke and you like pepsi? time and experience have never proven me wrong on this one.

Where is your BF/GF right now?

"probably exotic dancing somewhere in san bernardino county. god help me, im a sucker for serious physical deformity."

 

blake, oh my god.

urban dictionary.com actually had a definition for diamond bar. and marisa.

Your name? marisa

.. ..

2.	marisa
	1)one who parties like its their job 2)one who looks like a malibu barbie doll for half the year 3)another word for sexual intercourse 4)the art of not giving a shit about anything or anyone 1) "Girl, how many shots of vodka did you have this week?! You have been non-stop! All I know is you are one hell of a marisa." 2)" Wow, I better find a Ken doll quick for this marisa over here." 3) No one at the party was able to use the downstairs bedroom last night because a couple was having marisa. 4)Steve: "You know what?" Doug: "What?" Steve: "I think the fact that you marisa is what makes us such good friends."

Hair color? blonde

.. ..

1.	Blonde
	A hair color sometimes associated with unintelligence when in fact intelligence is not affected noticeably by hair color. She's blonde...who cares?

Favorite color? red

.. ..

6.	red
	Red is a nickname given to red-headed females by strangers walking by. Its supposed to be a term of endearment, but I don't quite understand it. Having red hair, I have been called Red many times by strangers. If I were to say "Nada Brown (or Blonde, or Black, or Grey), whad up wit you?", that would be insulting. So why is it ok to call me Red? "Yo Red, whad up?" "Hey Red, happy new year." "Sup Red?"

what should u be doing? pool hall 

.. ..

1.	pool hall
	The best place to go to kill time or win some money. Usually a smokey place downtown and occupied by an assortment of characters. dude 1- I bet i can beat you at call shot 8 ball dude 2-alright asshole thats TFB,lets go down to the pool hall and race to 3 for fifty.

Hometown? diamond bar

.. ..

1.	diamond bar
	Place near LA that is filled with asians There are so many damn asians living in Diamond Bar. They are like freakin ants. by Brian Noh Mar 6, 2005 email it 0 comments
2.	diamond bar
	Diamond Bar is a typical suburban bubble. Abnormally clean and postiviely nothing to do. Except loitering at the Starbuck's on Grand. If you're that desperate. Diamond Bar's population is about half Asian (mostly Korean and Chinese) and the other half is mostly white. Recently, more white families have been moving to areas even less desirable than Diamond Bar. Areas like Fontana and Corona. This is due in part to a) the increasingly high cost of living in Diamond Bar and b) many white families would like to live in areas with more white families and less Asian families. Because they fear yellow fever. It's like what happened in the mid-twentieth century when white people fled from urban areas to "escape" the influx of blacks. That's Diamond Bar. Girl 1: Let's go hang out at Starbucks and sit on the curb and smoke cigarettes. It'll be totally bad-ass. Girl 2: Cool. Boy 1: Ok. Hold on, I have to ask my mom for some money first.

What did you last drink? soy milk

.. ..

1.	soy milk
	Not ethnicity or sexual terms.It's milk from soy.good replacement if you are grossed out milk coming from a cow's boob.Has as much calcium as regular milk. Soy milk tastes better than cow milk. milk soy drink chocalate yummy by Chickenwing21 Sep 30, 2006 email it 0 comments
2.	soy milk
	When a person's ethnicity is Half-White (Caucasian) and Half-Oriental (Chinese, Japanese, etc.), they are soy milk. Since Candace's mom is Chinese and her father is Danish, she's soy milk. mixed race chinese-white twinkie banana white-wash by Candace Thackerson Dec 25, 2005 email it 0 comments
3.	soy milk
	aka: ejaculate. Also see jizz, jism and cum Hey babe, I have a carton of Soy Milk with your name on it.

Last name? prietto

prietto isn't defined yet. i'm still working on this one.