With

                     Laminated Pictures

                     Of Jesus,

         He Came

           To my Sub Rosa

                       Gingerbread House-

        A Heathen Swampland

                   Furnished with Forbiddons.

        Me,

        A “Fallen Angel”

                          Optically Undressing Him,

                             While He Recited the Scriptures

                                                        Like a Parrot!

                                    Shit,

                         I’ve Fallen

                     For a Mormon.

                               


                                Was a seed once
                    Now a ripe fruit

                Don't even recognize my own Mama.

                                When I get lonely
                        I try to eat
            and masturbate it away

                            It don't work.

            Got hynotized the other day
                            Saw myself composing God
                     on sheet music
                                in the 18th century
                                 
            Sometimes I get so afraid of death
                        That I want to die
                               Just so I can get over it

                        I know I got a purpose though,
        And I get real happy when I think happy thoughts

                                             So I'ma do that.

Haven’t shaved my legs or armpits in weeks
The shower is a scary place right now
Haven’t left the house
Or answered the telephone
I’m afraid that people will notice
I’ve gained weight
Planning to go out when I lose it again
I know I can, I’ve done it a thousand times
Just need to stay focused
At the bookstore,
I see magazines
Skin-tight celebrities
Weight loss secrets!
My mind says:
“The only way I will have a successful music career is by being thin”
On the Internet,
I see images
Teeny tiny girls
Little dresses
Lots of mascara
My mind says:
“The only way people will like me is if I am thin”
I have heard men say things like
“I like curvy women”
But I get way more attention from men after a starve
I mean really
It’s gotten to a point of annoyance
What I am trying to say is
They really love me thin!
If they could see me now
Covered in arm pit hair
A slave to my refrigerator
“Well, I like a woman who takes care of herself…”
What a crock of shit
You’d take her thin regardless of how she got there
I try telling myself things like
“Emily, the only opinion
Of any relevance is your own,
In fact you might very well be the only
Person who actually exists,
And your whole life has been a dream,
Which is why you encounter
All these fucked up coincidences
And are able to see the future before it happens,
Food tastes better than men and a music career, actually,
Food tastes better than thin altogether,
So just eat your dinner, and go read
A self-help book for girls
With disordered eating,
Surround yourself with accepting
People,
You know, pagans and stuff,
Who would never judge your exterior,
Who see your magic,
Who love you for you.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself
And allow your inner beauty to shine through”
But lets face it, that’s me justifying a binge
I tell myself shit like that
When I am walking down the ice cream isle
Of Meijer’s at 4 a.m.
Hoping no one sees me put ice cream in my shopping cart
Because they will say to themselves
“Well she obviously doesn’t need that”
I am so sick of hearing other people’s thoughts
Of hearing my own thoughts
Of living in a society
That encourages competition
That wants women to remain little girls
Physically and mentally
So men can maintain power
While undermining a woman's intuition
Compassion
Nurturing ways
And I am so sick of hearing men say that’s not true
My closet is filled with size three jeans
That I refuse to get rid of
My mind is filled with centuries of self-disdain
Belly filled with yesterdays binge
Heart pumping out of spite
Someone wake me up please
Someone wake everyone up please
Things are not okay

When I think about wheelbarrows and scarecrows nothing comes to mind but when I think about losing my virginity I guess certain places, smells, and words surface like the dry cleaner's parking lot, chlorine, and can we just make out

Before we are even born maybe we browse through a vast catalog of potential parents
but some of us subscribe too late, and are left with the scraps
of undesirable x and y combinations
Note to self: register in advance next time

I just ate ice cream with my fingers because I couldn't find a spoon
it was so cold

When I was fifteen years old one of my girlfriend's fathers had blond hair and washburn hands that I imagined were touching me when we talked about the blues

What if the voices I heard as a child while lying in a spider-infested canopy bed were apocalyptic messages to which if I had paid attention I'd be saving the world, and now I'm failing my life's mission

Next time I get high and listen to opera while reading Thoreau out loud to my pet rabbit I'm going to not hope that you stop by

The center of our earth is a bowl of honey combs swarming with unimaginable scenery and possible intelligent life and when shit hits the fan some of us can hide in there and repopulate. Fuck mars!

I remember overhearing her yell at her dad once for flirting with me, which made me happy because it actuated the fact that he was flirting with me and I wasn't just imagining it.

Maybe everyone you've ever met is a variation of you, a projection of your mind, because I met this woman the other day who I swear was channeling me in the future and it made me cry and it made her cry too and it was the most intense thing that has ever happened when she said:

"Even if we never meet again, I will always be there with you"