I went over to my friend stacey's today to see if we could take some of those maternity photos.  I'm a little disappointed, because we were trying to get her son Bryce to get in some of them, like kiss her belly or act like he's listening to the baby's heart beat, but he wasn't really feeling any of that..  but anyhow, these are a couple we took that i like.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl whose favorite actor in the whole world was Eddie Murphy.  She loved him soooo much, that she carried a Sharpie around with her, everywhere she went, so that when she was in line at the grocery store, she could do this: 

She really loved supporting her favorite actor in any way she could.

The little girl just couldn't help herself.

"It is, after all, the little things that count," she always said.

April 3rd, 2007 found the little girl passing out copies of her version of the Holy Bible on the street in front of her idol's home.

She had done a search and replace to supplant every "Noah", "Moses", and "Jesus H. Christ" with "The Venerable Mr. Edward M. Himself"

"Today reigns his birthday supreme!  The Year Forty-Six of our Lord and Liege!"

That's when she felt the handcuffs go on.

"NO!  You don't know what you're doing!"  Tears were flying down her cheeks and I think I saw a little spit come out of her mouth.  "Vengeance is Eddie's! He shall repay!  Death!  Disease!  Famine!  Weeping!  Much weeping and Pluto Nashing of teeth!"

There was an intense struggle, but the girl was small and the police were many.  The car pulled away, blue lights flashing in the dark rain.

"What station are you taking me to?" the little girl wearily asked the driver.

"Why, Beverly Hills, of course."

The girl snuggled into her seat with a satisfied grin.  She could rest now.  She was finally going to get to meet her cop.

...is the new...  whatever.

Have you ever put deodorant in your kneepits?

I think I'm going to try it.

Finish The Sentences. 

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss was... 
oh please, oh please, oh please somebody tell me that I haven't already  had my last kiss...

2. I am listening to...
Oldies 103, W-OMG... Columbiaaaaaah.

3. I talk...
like a fat, fat owl.  (only not as wise.)

5. My best friend(s)....
strewn haphazardly across the continent, no denouement in sight.

6. My dog is...
burned to a powdery ash in a little blue vase, resting on my mantle forevermore.

7. I hate it when people ask...
what I've been up to lately...  That's when I pull out my taser and aim it straight for their throats.  now who's asking the questions!

8. Love is... a tender flaky crispy crunchy crust (I think).

9. Marriage is ... beyond me (today).

10. Somewhere, someone is thinking...
Well, there's no way to know for sure, but I'm a scientist.  I have no other choice than to believe that I am the only person on this planet with an inner monologue. 

11. I'm always... running late.  Ha ha.  Alright.  You got me.  Not much of a runner.  Let's just go with waddling.  I am always waddling late.

12. I have a secret crush...  no such luck.  I lack, what do they call them?  Human emotions.

13. My mobile phone... i dont wanna talk about it.  

14. When I wake up in the morning... I like to do a little step-hop-kick down the stairs, get the ol blood circulating.

15. When I go to bed at night...  I play The Simpsons on my computer with the screen as dim as it will go and only 2 notches of volume turned up.

16. Right now I am thinking about...

17. Babies are... conceited.  I mean, ok!  we get it!  You're "new" here.  Let's get over ourselves, shall we?

18. I get on MySpace... I wish I was a caveman.  I'd make a good caveman.

19. Today I ... watched the science channel for a little while.  "The Real Rainman"  Kim Peek.  I love him.  AND Dustin Hoffman. 

20. Tonight I will... give a small child leprosy.  (And that's a promise.)

21. Tomorrow I will... I know not today what the morrow will bring.

22. I really want .. to be a foreigner.  (I gotta fever burning inside of me.)  I don't care where, really... but here, for example, is how I look in South America:

Good Ol Steve... examining the alien flower...

Here is Little Spidey: Day One.  He lives on this flower outside Mrs. Lynn's front door.

This is the third day I saw lil Spidey.  The second day and the third day, he was still on the very same flower as the first day!  Every time I check now, he's on it.  There are like 10 other flowers just like it in the bunch, but he only likes that particular one.  It's his home. 

All the summertime dresses are now on sale!  This is the only time I can buy one.  I put this one on and felt kind of prissy.  Which I never feel prissy.  But that is where I found myself and I am just passing the information along to you.  I wore it to a wedding and I could barely walk in my shoes.



THIS IS THE GIANT WE PAINTED!  Mr. Manning, Tiffany, and me did him up good.  I was in charge of face, eyes, eyebrows, hair, beard, breastplate and his left sandal (our right).  It's Goliath and... he is LIFE-SIZE! That's really how big he was.  I look smug in this picture, and for that, I apologize.  But it's the only one I have, and you just really have to have a person standing next to the giant to appreciate his behemothisticismness.  (Giants love for you to make up words.  He told me this 3 days ago.)

A sign in Nashville with Frenchie...  She was all, "Hey, Sarah, let's go to the bathroom..." and I was like, "Ehhhhh... I kinda gotta bad feeling about this one..."

OLD CROW MEDICINE SHOW!  i love these skinny little boys.  with a passion.  my friends are lame and no one wanted to go with me, so i had to go check these fellers out all by my little ol' lonesome.  But oh man.  Everybody missed out.  It was awesome.

I love harmonica! and look... He has two!



His name is Critter.  Critter Fuqua.







he picks a gitjo now.





This little kid was sitting right on the stage, front and center, falling asleep with a vengence. His head was nodding all over the place.







Here's ketch. Um i guess he immediately put on his jogging attire and ran laps around his tour bus after the show, because I can't think of any other way to explain how he got a new set of clothes so sweaty so fast... I went behind Headliners like an hour after the show and there was my favorite guy just kinda standing around all by himself. I was pretty excited. He gave me a little kiss, you know, but i had to ask him to do it, so... ketch 22.  I couldn't help it.  I just had to ask him.  You know I had to ask him, right?  Then he got on his little bus and I watched them drive away. I'd say it was pretty great.

May was a fantastic month.  Here's a little hodge podge of pictures that have been sitting in my camera for the last few weeks.

First of all: Congratulations to Jill and Chris!

My baby sister and my new brother were married May 19th!

Kaitlyn and Emily were belligerent little program munckins.  Yes, program munchkins.  It was a theme wedding... The Wizard of Oz... Complete with yellow brick road and ruby slippers.  It was actually very pretty. 

Jill walked down the aisle to "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and they skipped out at the end to "We're Off to See the Wizard." 

I told her she might as well just skip the priest and have a giant floating head marry them...

A little home spa the night before the wedding:

I didn't get how she could rub all that grody stuff all over her face, and THEN get grossed out when I try to  make her smell my feet???

I mean, Bekah and I had been steeping them in a tub full of hot tea for at least half an hour...

I do have kind of alien toes.

I play with my new redheaded stepbrother to photoshop.

A flower in Hilton Head.

Wamefou. 

It's mine and my mom's favorite Scrabble word, but I can't find it in any online dictionaries. 

It means a bellyful. 

I'm not sure of its usage... the Scrabble dictionary just gives the one word definition...  But we use it a lot. 

(Read: stuff our bellies a lot.)

We always throw the word "the" in front of it, not sure if that's how its supposed to be though.   

It comes out sounding like a disease.  "Uggghhhh... I got the wamefooou."

INGREDIES FOR A WAMEFOU TO SHAME ALL WAMEFOUS:

The trick is to freeze the bananas.  I freeze a whole bunch at once in a big yellow Splenda bag.  That way you don't need to add ice cream.  Just milk, banana, peanut butter and hershey's syrup.  Delish.

I do the same thing with strawberries.

So last Wednesday was awesome for 2 reasons. 

One, it was LETHAL WEDNESDAY, obviously.  My last one.  I ran out of Lethal Weapons. 

I need a new theme for my Wednesday night movie... any suggestions?  I was thinking DIE HARD?  I hear they are coming out with a 4th.  I dont know.  I want another buddy movie.  Are those buddy movies?

Reason the second:  it marked the end of my 30 Day Vegan Experiment on My Body! 

My body loved it, I think. 

TOFU WAMEFOU!  TOFU WAMEFOU!

At first, it was just fun.  It was just something new to do and I like anything novel.  But by the end of the month, I felt a good bit more energy and have lost a little weight.  Noting extravagant, but I can see my waist a little better these days.  It's nice. 

Also, I can set things on fire with my mind. 

So I am going to stick with it,  I think.

Except for honey. 

I guess they say vegans don't eat honey, but I am pretty sure I am going to eat all the honey I want.  

You know why?


F*** bees.

That's why.

They started it...  (with all the stinging.)   

So I don't care about the bees.  They don't fit into my master plan anyhow.  Cuz what do they eat?  Flowers?  I'm not sure.  But I am trying to eat better because basically all the grain that goes to feed the fat cows in order to make Americans fatter could be used to feed skinny people elsewhere to make them fatter.

And there's nothing I love better than a fat foreigner!

seriously.

Oh something else:  That hypothetical photo contest at the hypothetical library.  Well... I'm hypothetically an idiot because I didn't realize the pictures had to be READING RELATED! 

So I went over to my favorite lil buddy Stephen's house and took a few pictures of him and his bearded dragon, Cathy. 

He named his dragon Cathy...

I love this kid!

I used to have a bearded dragon (Mr. Miyagi--he would put his hands up on the glass and do wax on, wax off for me) but he is no longer with us. 

(Attacked by the Cobra Kai.  Too much advantage, their dojo.)

It was sad.

They make awesome pets.