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Last Updated: 11/17/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 45
Sign: Libra

City: So Cal
State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 8/2/2006

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Tuesday, December 01, 2009 
I did it.

I joined the National Novel Writing Contest and I wrote over 50K words during the month of November.  58,252 words, to be exact.  I'm pretty excited about that.

I started writing a novel back in April after I came back from New York City.  It kind of fizzled.  I spent more time thinking about it than actually writing it.  It's still in my head, and I have an idea about how I want it to go, and I will write it eventually.  It's a pretty good story.  A woman finds a million dollars has been given to her, and she wants to find out why. 

But for this novel-writing contest, I had to start with something brand new.  Hmmm.  What to do?

I had this modern-day witch story in my head for the last month, America's answer to Harry Potter.  But in my head, the story was getting more complicated and more political, and more historical, and I knew I couldn't write it in a month.  So, that idea went on the back burner.

But I DID have a story in mind that I'd never written.  It started, as usual, as a "what if" conversation with my friends:  What if I started dating a celebrity, and he wanted to keep it a secret?  I was originally going to blog a story and pretend it was actually happening.  Maybe create a buzz.  But that took as much dedication as a newspaper article, so I never did it.

It worked for this novel writing contest, and I'd never written it, so this was my plan.

I kept it in a diary format, inventing a character much like me, but not me.  And she meets a celeb.  The diary format allowed me to better keep track of where I should be on a daily basis; I needed to have about 25K words by the time November 15th rolled around in her diary, otherwise, I wasn't keeping pace.  It kept me very organized.

I was also lucky I got sick at the beginning of the month; it gave me more time to write.  :)

I'm not saying any more, but I may post more snippets from it. 

I did not finish in 30 days.  My original goal was to only write 50K words in 30 days, but as I grew closer to the end of the book, I wasn't ready to write the ending, because to me, that would signify I was "done". And I was also afraid that I would write the ending and not have reached 50K words.  So I did the opposite, on November 21st:  reached 50K, butit wasn't finished.

 At first that bummed me out a bit that I wouldn't finish, but I was okay with that.  I also realized that it would take me more than a month to really edit it.  Now I know it will take me more than a month to finish this draft.  But I'm shooting for the week before Christmas.  We shall see.

After the edit and another draft, I'm going to send it to an editor.  This is really a good story.  It just needs a few bells and whistles...

I learned quite early that it wasn't easy for me to compose sitting at the keyboard.  What I needed to do was dream up conversations in my head, either just before I went to bed, or while driving.  And then TELL MYSELF to remember them.  Then when I sat down and visualized the scene, I'd remember the dialog, and could flow from there.

Occasionally I'd come up with stuff to write while I was sitting down, but more often than not, I needed to be away. 

Some other points:

- There are a few inspirations for characters in the book.  I'm not saying who or what.  :)

- There's a whole lot of me in the novel that probably shouldn't be.  But that's what edits are for.

- The internet is a WONDERFUL tool when it comes to quick research.  The characters traveled quite a bit to places I'd been to, but not in a very long time.  I could quickly look up the locations and figure out what was there that they might want to see. 

- The Thanksgiving dinner in the book is inspired by a few restaurants and the Food Network.

- Continuity became an issue as the novel grew longer.  I'd have to remember details, like they were on the 5th floor, not 4th or 6th.  Names of characters thar appeared at the beginning and were referred to in the middle needed to be consistent.  Stuff like that.  I'm sure there are a few bugs in the story relating to issues like that.  Again, that's what editing is for.

- Dialogs were much much easier to write.  But they moved the story forward.  I need to flesh out what's happening during the dialogs.  I'm looking forward to that.

- I still need to work on the characters.  They're mostly in my heads, and I need to bring them more to life.

- I actually missed a freeway offramp tonight, thinking about the story.  :)

- My grammar and writing have much improved from this exercise.

Whew.  The road to fame is a long one. 
6:21 AM 
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Monday, November 09, 2009 

Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Romance and Relationships

Sunday, November 1, 1:57am

Haven’t changed any of the clocks back…must take care of that before bed.

I just got home from a very fun combined Halloween/birthday party with friends from school.  We hadn’t hung out in a long time like that.   It was a very good time.  I love those women.  We promised to get together like this more often. We were at a bar in Hollywood, and some of the costumes were simply outrageous.  My favorite were the two people dressed like sushi.  And I got hit on by a Chippendale’s dancer.

Oh cool, two of the clocks switched themselves.  It’s now 1 am again.  Daylight savings magic!

I’m writing now because a few days ago, after some depressing news, I decided to turn over a new leaf, hope for a better life, and start journaling again.  The better life came almost immediately, or at least I think it did.  Who knew fortune would smile upon me so quickly?  But given what happened on Friday, and what I think will continue to happen, I think I should probably be a little less honest in my journaling.  What will result is basically a good piece of fiction.  You never know who might read this.  Not everything here actually happened (official disclaimer)…

What sparked this was….Monday night, in the throes of what I thought might be the flu, I happened to read on Facebook that my ex of four months ago, who I shall call John, is now engaged, is expecting a child, and is taking his future bride on a cruise this week.  Really.  You dump me 4 months ago, and now you’re engaged?  This is the guy who wanted to wait til marriage before having sex.  Now he’s almost a father.  I almost threw up.

What was even worse was the reason why we broke up.  He told me that he didn’t like being the second fiddle, or the dumb one.  His words, not mine.  He’s a brilliant physicist, honors from multiple universities, excelling in his research, with numerous papers to his name.  And yet he didn’t like the fact that his friends and family thought I was good for him because I was so intelligent.  I honestly don’t get it.  My friends have tried explaining to me the phenomenon of the male ego, but with all he has going for him, why would he feel so threatened by me?  I only have a masters.  Dude used to teach OTHER PHDs!!!

I still don’t get it.  And it hurt like hell. Now he’s dating a complete bimbo who’s had kids by three other men.  I know this because my brother dated her.  He calls it his low moment.  “I’ve seen smarter chunks of asphalt than her”.  His words.

After I got the news on Monday, I decided that moping around was not the answer.  I needed to get back on track, be more positive.  And good for me, my work was going very well, so much so that I’d won a national award, to be presented that Friday.    So I had that to look forward to, right?  No reason to mope, even if I didn’t have a date.  And the cool thing was, my absolute favorite celeb would be there, along with others, presenting awards.  I had a good chance to finally meet him, and maybe take a photo with him.  This was something to look forward to.  I didn’t even think he’d be presenting MY award.

After my new path on life decided, I deleted John from my Facebook friends list (very cathartic!), went shopping for a new dress, shoes and purse.  This is what women do to feel better.  It helped.  I’d never owned a full length black dress before.  So chic.  I couldn’t wait to wear it.

The banquet was on Friday Oct 30th, at my favorite hotel in downtown Los Angeles.  It was a gorgeous, clear night, with an almost full moon.  The company was kind enough to spring for rooms for all of us that night, so no one had to worry about driving home.  They also let us work only half a day, so we were able to drive downtown, check in, and get ready there, before rush hour traffic got bad enough to delay arrival.  I even managed an afternoon hair appointment AND a makeup session at MAC before leaving for downtown. I love my hairdresser.  I swear, if I ever become famous, I’m putting her on my payroll and setting her up in my mansion.

I was really buzzing, and it wasn’t from the free happy hour.  Okay, maybe partially.   The banquet room was decorated with gold and white balloons, and a trio played in the corner.  The floral arrangements on each table were done by a friend of mine in white and yellow roses, with gold metallic streamers.  Everyone from work was there.  Not only was I receiving an individual award, but my team and company were also winning national awards for significant research.  Everyone from the president on down to our college interns were excited.

Me, too.  I caught a glimpse of HIM when I first arrived.  He was talking to the president, along with sone of the other celebs, at one of the head tables near the front.  Tina, one of my coworkers, swore that he stopped talking the minute I walked into the room, but she’s even a bigger dreamer than I am.  It was a nice thought.  Especially since there were almost 500 people in the room at the time.

The food was really good.  Filet Mignon, instead of the typical dried out chicken breast, and very good steamed vegetables.  And I’m always happy when they serve cheesecake.  I sat with our team, who ordered a few bottles of wine for the table.  Roger’s brother is a sommelier in Napa and knows his stuff.  That red zinfandel was perfect.  I wish I could pair wines like that.

The presentation of awards started soon after the coffee service following dessert.  There were a few local celebs and politicians presenting.  Then HE stood up.

“We are here to honor…..who has made significant leaps in the study of ….Her expertise and leadership have resulted in a software program that…an African American woman, native of California, she….”

Wow…he was talking about ME.  I couldn’t help it, I was star-struck.  I didn’t hear half of what he was saying.  He was looking straight at me as he spoke.  I know the speech was prepared for him, probably by our CEO, but it was really nice.  Suddenly I was being nudged by Tina.  HE’d stopped talking and it was time for me to get up to receive the award.

It felt like it took me years to walk up to the podium.  I couldn’t hear the applause clearly, it was like a dull roar.  All I could see was HIM smiling at me.  Everything else had faded into the background a little.  When I reached the podium, I held out my hand and he took it.

And we stood there like that for about a million years.

I’d never seen eyes so clear before.  So focused.  I’d seen him a hundred times on TV, but now with him face to face was so much more.  And a brilliant smile, shining down on me.  I know I was smiling, too.  I could feel it.  But I couldn’t hear a thing.  Weird.

The president finally placed his hands over both of ours, breaking the spell.  He frowned at me while he shook my hand as HE handed me the trophy.  HE still hadn’t spoken since I’d arrived at the podium.  I don’t think I did, either.  I managed to croak out “Thank you” to him and the president.  He was still smiling at me.  His gaze hadn’t wavered a bit.

Wow.

10:52 PM 
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Monday, October 05, 2009 

Category: Romance and Relationships
Here we go again...I don't know why men online think females are so stupid...

I'm on USC's campus every Sunday.  I see football players all the time.  None of them have ever approached me....why he thought I thought he was real is beyond me...

prettyboystcox:  (10/04/2009 5:44 PM): hopefully u would hold my mvp trophy when i win it next year. my name jacory what's yours?
SCSilk: Jaye
prettyboystcox: so u went to usc
SCSilk: Yes.  I graduated in 1986
prettyboystcox: well im miami qb soph. #12
SCSilk: You go to the university of miami?
prettyboystcox: yea.
SCSilk: The Hurricanes?
prettyboystcox: Lousianna my home but most of my life is Fl. Yes hurricanes
prettyboystcox: the U
SCSilk: Why does your profile say you are from Washington?
prettyboystcox: not allowed to have a myspace nor facebbok
prettyboystcox: facebook
SCSilk: so whose is this?
prettyboystcox: Its minds its just i lied about my age and where im from
SCSilk: I see.
prettyboystcox: have you watched me play yet?
SCSilk: Nope.  I only watch USC
prettyboystcox: Lol
prettyboystcox: you wrong for that
SCSilk: I thought you might say that.
SCSilk: I'm not wrong for only watching my alma mater.  That's what fans do.
prettyboystcox: well you might be holding my trophy soon
SCSilk: I doubt that.
SCSilk: I have a question
prettyboystcox: so u should be watching
prettyboystcox: whats that
SCSilk: actually, several.
SCSilk: How old are you?
prettyboystcox: age a prob 4 u?
SCSilk: I'm not on line for dating.  I'm just online to chat.
SCSilk: What I meant was, what year are you in school?
prettyboystcox: lol i told u already soph
SCSilk: What's your major?
prettyboystcox: lol r u serious
SCSilk: Yes, I'm serious.  That isn't a bad question.  What are you majoring in?
prettyboystcox: i want to become a marine biologist, but that won't happen soon unless i get hurt
SCSilk: So what are you majoring in?
SCSilk: Marine biology?
prettyboystcox: yes
SCSilk: I see.
SCSilk: You'd hve to get a masters and probably a PhD to be able to do any work in that field.
SCSilk: I'm just surprised that you have time to chat online.  It's almost bed time.  I always spent Sundays doing homework.  Especially in the fall when I was in Marching Band.
prettyboystcox: It's a Sunday
SCSilk: I know.
SCSilk: I did homework on Sundays
prettyboystcox: lol and im going to the nfl lol
SCSilk: Because I ws too busy on Saturdays
prettyboystcox: i probably won't finish
SCSilk: That's a pity.
SCSilk: You should start what you finish.
prettyboystcox: ill be making more with one check n the league than a marine biologist
SCSilk: Money isn't everything.
prettyboystcox: but ball make me happy it's my passion
prettyboystcox: including poetry
SCSilk: I see.
prettyboystcox: are you single
SCSilk: I am not yet married.
SCSilk: I graduated from USC with a degree in Electrical Engineering.  I've worked as an engineer for NASA for over 22 years, doing spacecraft development, test, launch and operations.
prettyboystcox: Let's just say you got married to a pro ball player. Would that life work out for you knowing he travel a lot?
SCSilk: I wouldn't marry a pro ball player.  There aren't any my age.
SCSilk: Ther's no reason for me to marry someone half my age who is used to women throwing themselves at them, either.
prettyboystcox: there u go with the age thing again
SCSilk: We're in two different worlds.
SCSilk: Think about it.  I'm your mother's generation.
SCSilk: A completely different world.
prettyboystcox: you think that.
SCSilk: I have nothing in common with a pro athelete
SCSilk: I wouldn't even have his babies.
SCSilk: The man can have sex with any woman he wants.  There is no reason for him to choose me for marriage.
prettyboystcox: i want to have a mature women who isnt after me for where im about to go and become
SCSilk: Well, best of luck with that.
SCSilk: Because the minute she does something ot piss you off, you'll just have sex with some other woman to get back at her.
SCSilk: And that' ain't cool.
prettyboystcox: why are you judging me
SCSilk: Everyone judges everyone
SCSilk: You judged me to be mature, tha's why you asked the question.
prettyboystcox: I've never cheated
SCSilk: I am not online to look for a husband.  I"m online for inteligent, intersting conversations.
prettyboystcox: Sometimes life happens.
prettyboystcox: I want to get to know you better.
SCSilk: I am not online to look for a relationship.
SCSilk: I hope you can respect and understand that.
prettyboystcox: i just
prettyboystcox: ok
prettyboystcox: yea
SCSilk: Thanks.
prettyboystcox: you aint right
SCSilk: Why do you keep insulting me?
SCSilk: I am right for my choices.
SCSilk: I am happy with my choices.
SCSilk: If you cannot accept them, then there's no reason for us to keep talking.
SCSilk: But don't tell me that I'm not right.
SCSilk: Take care.  Best of luck to you.
prettyboystcox: when we beat usc imma send a special shout out to u in the interview.
SCSilk: I'll believe it when I see it.
prettyboystcox: they lost to washington lol
prettyboystcox: we just beat oklahoma
prettyboystcox: i scored all three tds
SCSilk: I meant you giving me a shoutout.
SCSilk: Not about the scores.
prettyboystcox: ill give you a shout out
SCSilk: Right.
prettyboystcox: and ill tell taylor mays to do something for me for u
prettyboystcox: if u still drop by the campus at times
SCSilk: I'm on campus every Sunday.
prettyboystcox: okay ill call T n make something special for u if u dont mind
SCSilk: Yeah, right.
prettyboystcox: ?
SCSilk: I don't believe you.
prettyboystcox: okay
prettyboystcox: we been going to camp since i dont know how long
prettyboystcox: he from seattle
prettyboystcox: my dad lives there
prettyboystcox: but umm you have a room der or a way he can reach u
SCSilk: What's your middle name?
prettyboystcox: you asking me a lot of weird questions
SCSilk: it isn't weird.  What's your middle name?
prettyboystcox: y u want to kno that
SCSilk: Because you don't know.
SCSilk: If you wer actually jacory, you'd know your own middle name.
prettyboystcox: sherrod
prettyboystcox: u weird
prettyboystcox: no one ever asked that
SCSilk: Okay...just for fun....tell Taylor I'm out in front of Heritage Hall every Sunday from 2-4
SCSilk: He can find me there.
prettyboystcox: y would i not kno my name
prettyboystcox: ill send em a pic
prettyboystcox: u like roses?
SCSilk: Only from men I'm in a serious relationship with.
prettyboystcox: You seriously rejecting me
SCSilk: For the third time:  I am not  on Myspace to look for dates or relationships.
SCSilk: I am online for intelligent, interesting conversations.
prettyboystcox: Ive only dated one girl and she was white
prettyboystcox: well women
prettyboystcox: haha
SCSilk: When I was your age, I'd dated only one guy and he was black.
prettyboystcox: so if i came to usc would you go to dinner or walk and talk with me for a lil
SCSilk: Nope.
SCSilk: I don't date college students
SCSilk: I like my peers.  I'm not attracted to males who weren't alive when I was in High School.
prettyboystcox: wow
SCSilk: HOw old is your mother?
prettyboystcox: she died when i was born
SCSilk: How old is your father?
prettyboystcox: 51
prettyboystcox: you know grandma raised me to the young man i am and when i go pro next year she coming with. Stop talking about my parents
SCSilk: I said nothing negavite about them.
prettyboystcox: i don't care for my father
SCSilk: Any woman with a brain would ask you about your parents.
prettyboystcox:  he isnt there for me
SCSilk: What is a pimp cup?
prettyboystcox: haha!
prettyboystcox: you reading about me?
SCSilk: I see you don't like to answer my questions.  That's bad.
SCSilk: You want me to date you, yet you don't like it when I ask you questions.
SCSilk: That is what engineers do.  We ask questions.
prettyboystcox: You don't want to date me so it's kind of hard to take you seriously
SCSilk: If you can't take me seriously, then there's no reason for me to keep chatting with you.
SCSilk: So take it easy, and have a great life.  Bye now.
prettyboystcox: Jaye
prettyboystcox: I honestly want to get to chat with you face to face on campus
SCSilk: I have no reason to fly to Miami to meet a 20yrold.
Last message received at 10/04/2009 6:32 PM
prettyboystcox: Who said you had to come to me
prettyboystcox: and u wouldnt have to pay for the ticket either
prettyboystcox: my coach will handle that
prettyboystcox: ic that no matter how hard i try u wont take me seriously
prettyboystcox: ill go since that is what u want
SCSilk: I'm taking you seriously.  Tha's why I'm treating you with politeness and respect and saying "no thank you"
SCSilk: If I thought you were joking, I'd fuck with you.
Last message received at 10/04/2009 6:36 PM
2:44 AM 
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Tuesday, September 15, 2009 
Apparently he got mad after he read my blog.....


SCSilk: http://blogs.myspace.com/SCSilk
SCSilk: you need to read this
"Scott": go fuck yourself
SCSilk: Now I see why you are single.
"Scott": dont care about that asshole
SCSilk: You are quite rude.  Why?
SCSilk: Everyone reads my blog.  They will learn about you.
SCSilk: And know what a fool you were.
"Scott": dont you think you are the one been a fool here... you do this to have people fall for your stupid blogs and paste on your profile ... suck for you huh... sorry about that .. you black nigerian
SCSilk: If you posted something on my profile, I would delete it.
"Scott": you paste this conversation just to have poeple belive you... You are a scam
"Scott": go fuck yourself
SCSilk: Prove that I am a scam.
SCSilk: I have correct photos outlining my activities, a blog that goes back three years, and 130 friends who are not naked women.
SCSilk: I use correct English, unlike you.
"Scott": yes i will definitely do that believe me.. worts is coming
SCSilk: I pasted the conversation because everyone knows about Frauds from Nigeria like YOU.
SCSilk: You are just another example of fake men online
SCSilk: You aren't white.
SCSilk: And you aren't 57 years old
SCSilk: And you don't live in California.
"Scott": Oh yes you never know where am typing from... you think you have me strong asshole
SCSilk: don't call me your mother's pet names, thanks.
SCSilk: I knwo you aren't in California
SCSilk: I know you aren't American.
SCSilk: I know you're Nigerian
"Scott": lol you wanna come visit me tomorrow and let us have some fucking moment with my dog
SCSilk: I know you just started this account to get women to fall in love with you and send you money.
SCSilk: I bet you're sitting in a big room filled with computers, and everyone is pretending to be white men in the US.
"Scott": lol hey come visit me tomorrow
SCSilk: I have no reason to visit you.  You are a liar.
"Scott": Calif La Glendale Adams Square
SCSilk: Furthermore, I cannot fly to Nigeria tomorrow.
"Scott": You get it asshole
SCSilk: I know you are not American, because American men do not call women "asshole"
"Scott": bitches like you get fucked by my doggy
SCSilk: It's a word for men, not women.
SCSilk: You are a fool and a fake.
"Scott": you know what ?
SCSilk: I know that I am done talking to you.
"Scott": GO FUCK YOURSELF
SCSilk: Wow, you seem angry
"Scott": HEY PASTE THIS LAST CONVERSATION ON YOUR BLOGS
SCSilk: Yes, I will paste it.  It will show everyone how ignorant you are
SCSilk: How you call women names.
"Scott": AND YOUR FAKE FRIENDS WILL KNOW YOU ARE FAKE TOO
3:49 AM 
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Tuesday, September 15, 2009 
http://www.myspace.com/495724707


"Scott":  (09/14/2009 8:17 PM): hello
SCSilk: greetings
"Scott" is online 09/14/2009 8:17 PM:
"I am online"
"Scott": How are you doing ?
SCSilk: Okay, thanks.  You?
SCSilk: ?
"Scott": am fine
"Scott": what your name ?
SCSilk: Jaye.
"Scott": Am  Scott
SCSilk: So....how's Nigeria?
"Scott": Hw is what ?
SCSilk: Oh, cmon now.
SCSilk: You live in Nigeria.  How is it?
"Scott": How you know i live in nigeria ?
SCSilk: Because of the way you talk
SCSilk: And your photo is not age appropriate
SCSilk: And your profile is not age appropriate
"Scott": Okay ...
SCSilk: So which tribe are you from?
"Scott": Excuse me
SCSilk: In Nigeria
SCSilk: You aren't a white man.
"Scott": who are you ?... and where are you from either
SCSilk: Read my profile.  It will tell you who I am.
SCSilk: Furthermore, I find it hard to believe that you are a 57yrold man who has never been married, but has children.
"Scott": yes you are right
"Scott": hey are you from nigeria ?
SCSilk: Of course not.  My English is far too good.
"Scott": and what tribe are you ?
SCSilk: I am not from Africa.  I was born inCalifornia
"Scott": oh i c
"Scott": so what do you want from nigerians ?
SCSilk: Absolutely nothing.
"Scott": have you got yahoo messenger IM ?
SCSilk: No, I got rid of it.
"Scott": why... we can be friends let chat on there
SCSilk: We can't chat there.  I got rid of my account
SCSilk: I was tired of Nigerians asking me to marry me
SCSilk: So I got rid of it.
"Scott": Marry you..?
SCSilk: Yes.
"Scott": And why not ...?
SCSilk: Why not what?
"Scott": why dont you wanna marry to a man from nigeria
SCSilk: Because I am not attracted to them.
"Scott": they are africans like you!!!!
SCSilk: I was not born in Africa
SCSilk: I was born in California
"Scott": ***  You've been GOOSED! ***
SCSilk: My parents were born in New York and Massachusettes
SCSilk: Their parents were born in New York, Virginia and South Carolina
SCSilk: So were their parents
SCSilk: So were their parents.
SCSilk: I am American.
"Scott": lol you still one of the slaves from africa!!!!!! sorry for saying that to you..!
SCSilk: I am not a slave.  I work as an engineer for Nasa.
SCSilk: What do you do for a living, besides pretend to be a white man on Myspace/Yahoo?
"Scott": what do you need me to do for you...you have got a job for me to do ?
SCSilk: You didn't answer my question.  What is your profession?
"Scott": Hey i hate you blacks slaves
SCSilk: I will also never marry a Nigerian man because they ALWAYS ignore my questions.  Just like you just did.
SCSilk: You didn't hate me 10 minutes ago
SCSilk: You are just mad that I know you are a liar
"Scott": will better talk to my dog!
SCSilk: He's probably more intelligent than you are.
SCSilk: You cannot answer simple questions.
SCSilk: I feel very sorry for you if you care enough about a complete stranger to hate them.
"Scott": Yes,  his intelligent than me because his from nigeria
SCSilk: HAHAHAHAHA
SCSilk: Your dog is smarter than you!!!!
SCSilk: You poor thing.  Can you hold on a second.  I need to show you something.
"Scott": lol yes yes yes punk asss
"Scott": show me your asss asshole!
SCSilk: Why do you talk to women like this?  Did your parents not teach you civility?
"Scott": BYE
3:36 AM 
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Thursday, August 13, 2009 

Category: Life
Almost an entire year has gone by since a little girl was finally put to rest. Her time had come.

She wasn't very happy, and she held on to a lot of past hurts.  They were eating her up inside, and she didn't even realize it.  Friends tried to tell her, but their advice went unnoticed. It was a terrible cancer.

The truth was finally seen in a video about The Secret.  About how self-fulfilling prophecies are guaranteed by any thoughts.  The negative thoughts prevailed, and her life was the result.  She realized she was only hurting herself, and had been doing it for way way WAY too long. 

That afternoon was a true epiphany.  Almost immediately, the dark clouds rumbled away.  And the little girl had to be buried.  The little girl who sat at home the night of the prom, June 17, 1982, because no one asked her, sat in her dad's spare room and did physics homework for the first time, in preparation for a class at USC the following day.  And never let go of the ache.  It was time for her to go away forever.

The woman said goodbye to the little girl on August 21, 2008.  INo tears were shed, because she needed to be released.  It was a very good thing.  To be honest, it should have happened years ago.  No one this damaging should have survived for this long.

The woman recognizes that she is now gone and does not miss her  That isn't a cruel thing to say.  She is much happier, about herself and about life.  It has been harder than the woman thought it would be, living without her, but it is better.  The ghosts have crept in a few times, but not that often, and they're always seen fairly quickly and driven away.  The woman is not alone because the little girl is gone, because the little girl kept so many people away from her, people she needed.  Moreover, people she WANTED.

And now....the woman realizes that the girl kept her from learning so much about life.  About recognizing interest and attraction from others.  That men do have egos that need to be stroked, and sometimes before her own.  That some men are quite fragile, even moreso than she is.   The little girl impeded progress, but will not stop it from happening again.  The woman is ready.

Bring it, world!  All the light and laughter and love that we can receive in this short time on earth.  We don't get to stay at the party as long as we'd like, so let's enjoy it. 
5:35 AM 
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Thursday, August 06, 2009 

Current mood:  accomplished
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
 

This is by far my most favorite story....for so many different reasons.  And I'm reposting it today, August 6, for a reason which will become apparent as you read.

It was a very special day in my life. I have met a great deal of people because of this event, so I'm grateful.

First, the story. My whole love of marching band started in the spring of 1979, when I was a mere freshman at John Muir. And you can blame it on a guy, too.

I can't remember who told me that the band was having tryouts for tall flag girls. I decided to try out because of a little crush I had on someone in the band at the time. I have no clue what happened to him. But the way Facebook is going, he'll show up in a week or two.

I digress. I figured if I tried out for tall flags, and made it, I'd have more reasons to talk to him, more shared memories, etc. A brilliant plan!

Now, I was the girl who'd been picked last for teams for years. Who over the years didn't quite suck as badly in those stupid yearly Presidential fitness tests. Who actually wasn't very bad at soccer or tennis. Still. This was the first time I'd tried out for anything, and I barely made it; I think I was on the bottom 8 out of about 28-32 girls. All we had to do was march and do commands; there was no flagwork involved. But no matter, I was IN!

We then spent the summer of 79 at rehearsals. For the first time ever, I was not bored during summer vacation. Sometimes the instructor (who happened to be our drum major Stacey) didn't show up, but when he did, we learned quite a bit. We learned some basic flag moves after buying these aluminum poles (read pipes) down at Lincoln Ave Plumbing. Now you can order a flagpole online and have it shipped to your door.  Progress.  We also learned some more marching and maneuvering techniques.  Most importantly, I learned how to whistle through my fingers that summer:  fold your tongue back, and put your fingers on the fold and your bottom teeth.

All the while, I was waiting for the magical date of August 6th. This would be the day that we'd begin band camp with the rest of the band, and I'd get to see HIM. It had been fairly hot and somewhat smoggy all summer; that morning, it was foggy and almost cold. Stacey had the idea of us marching down to the bandroom in rank, to show the rest of the band how hard we'd been working all summer. So we did just that. Once we broke rank, I had my eyes open. Nope. No dude. But a few people were at Bellis Music camp (anyone remember that? I hear they're still in business. Wow, huh?) and I figured they'd show up next week. And they did, but not HIM.

Again, I'm thinking no big deal. He'll show. And in the meantime, we started getting ready for the first football game, and when school finally started, I found out what happened to Mr No Show. He'd dropped out of band to join a sports team which met at the same time as band practice. Well Damn. But I was committed to the show, and there was no stopping me.

But fear not. Although there was no band member in my immediate future I discovered something else on Saturday, September 15, 1979--that I absolutely loved performing. And now, for your reading pleasure, I give you my diary entry from that evening, 30 years ago. It was the first football game of the season, at the Rose Bowl. How many HS kids can say their first halftime show was at the Rose Bowl? Pretty cool, I thought. The other interesting thing about this day is that there was a fire raging in the foothills about 10 miles away, and ash was being blown everywhere. It was a hot day, and a good one. The diary entry will be annotated with comments to explain certain things, as well as things that happened that I didn't write about.

******
Sept 15, 1979

Well, today was the day of the first game, and it's only appropriate that I scribble something about it.

Last night we had a practice to make up the marching parts and when to come in with the routines [now that I read this, I'm surprised how last minute we were]. Then we had to be at practice at 6am in the morning [note: this should have warned me of band practices to come at USC, what with us having to be on campus at 6:30am some mornings]! Stacey was late, but we did go over the routine. Then we went down to the band room to get our flags (white) and gloves.

[Our uniform at the time was a blue t-shirt with white edging, the classic white pleated skate/cheerleader skirt, black and white bucks, and white cowboy hats (because our mascot was the Mustangs). I'll scan the photo in someday.]

When we got on the bus [to take us to the Rose Bowl, barely 2 miles away-- note: our Homecoming game against Pasadena HS was always played at the Rose Bowl, since it's both schools' Homecoming game and no one ever seems to leave Pasadena after graduation, so the game is pretty crowded. For Homecoming, we normally paraded down to the Rose Bowl], Stacey said to have the first five rows reserved for us, but the drum corps didn't want to get up. Finally, we all straightened up and were on out way to the Rose Bowl, cheering.

We arrived and got off the bus with our flags. Before we lined up, we prayed, and I laughed to myself the whole time. Then we lined up behind the band and strode into the Rose Bowl onto the field. We then marched into the stands.

[I know that we did a pre-game show and played the Star Spangled Banner. All of us tall flag girls were lined up alongside the band, but we didn't do any flagwork. What's odd is that I wrote nothing about it. Oh well. I'm also pretty sure that Blair's band did not show up. However, I do remember that their drum corps was there, as was ours. This is the group to which I now belong, and play strap tenor]

We were so nervous and I was totally confused as to what to do on the field. I was actually wishing that the first half wouldn't end. Since so many of us were confused, we left our seats with Stacey so he could show us what to do [The thing is, we were ALL brand new to twirling flag, except for maybe one or two people. A few of the girls had played flute in band the year before, but it was a very new experience for us] When we came back, we found we has scored a touchdown! [this is very reminiscent of USC games where I was a TA, and the team would score while I was escorting band members to the bathroom...wow}

The second quarter was over, and we got ready to march out of the stands. I was scared!!! Then we marched to the other side of the field to line up. I heard [my friends]  yelling my name, and I got so nervous. [I remember just wanting to pee so badly.] I was so nervous that I kept talking to Tonja [who stood in front of me] about how scared I was and that I wanted to leave. She told me later that I was making her laugh!

Anyway, Stacey had the band start, and we were marching and playing. "Superman" went by and so did "Mork and Mindy" [damn...this WAS the late 70s, wasn't it??]. Then we started "K-gee" [our feature], and my friends started yelling again--damn, did it make me nervous. We started the routine on the 8th beat, and everyone did okay. Afterwards, I started shaking. When it was over, we marched off the field and stood at parade rest. The band marched into the stands, and [the flag girls, led by Stacey] marched out of the Bowl.


*******

That was all I'd written. I think I was a bit tired, which is why I didn't finish. What happened after that was, to the best of my memory, is that Stacey told us what a wonderful job we'd done! We marched back into the Rose Bowl all proud of ourselves. During the third quarter, we were allowed to sit with friends. My mom and sister were there, too. They all said we did a great job. I was really happy, and jazzed. That was the day I got addicted to the fear and excitement of performing....and it's never really left me.

Third quarter, we were allowed to move about the stadium, and I went to sit with friends and family, who said we did well. I was really happy, and jazzed. That was the day I got addicted to the fear and excitement of performing....and it's never really left me.

I have to break at this point and make a confession: I was absolutely in love with our pep band in high school. These were the top brass and rhythm musicians, a group of about 15 or so, who would play our school songs for the pep squad at pep rallies and football games. I think it was because of Pep Band that I became a fan of Chicago, thanks to "25 or 6 to 4", which today is still my favorite song. Our other songs were Horse, Get it On, and Fever. It's funny because when I went to USC, the entire band would play for the song girls at football games. Not quite sure why that wasn't the case at Muir, but if anyone knows the history, please let me know!

As I said earlier, there was ash blowing around from the fires in the foothills, and the scent of smoke was in the air. It was rather warm, and we were drinking cups of water. For some odd reason, the Pep Band was also in the stands near me. One of my friends wanted some more ice, and my sister noticed that some had fallen down near the feet of the guy I had a crush on. So she said this classic line:

"Just reach down between his legs and grab it!"

Comedy. She was only 13.

You know, I don't think I ever talked to that guy again. I must have, but I just don't remember.

I went home and wrote it all down in my diary....and the feeling never quite went away. The season went well, and I think we actually won a trophy at a competition that year. I remember dark wet mornings on the field, the smell of grass, scrambling to get to second period on time. Music from movies that came out that year ("All that Jazz", which led to my dancing career), and big band music were the staples. This was the very first time I was involved in something at school other than just mere classwork or a club, and I loved it.

At the end of our season, I found out that there was an honor band for the Tournament of Roses Parade, made up of HS and college band members, that I could try out for....

...and I MADE IT! So I began 1980 in a very cute uniform of tuxedo tails and top, black leotard, fishnet stockings and black flat shoes. And after a 7 mile parade, almost passed out. But it was so very very cool. TELEVISED, people! All over the WORLD! My mother had set up 3 TVs in the family room, and when I didn't show up on any of them (this may have been the year we did NOT PLAY GOING AROUND THE CORNER....a travesty!), she drove down to the parade route, told the 30 people around her to yell when we went by, and I heard a chorus of my name close to PCC as we marched by. Thanks Mom! This was the first of three times I'd do the parade with the TofR band. Every year that I did it, more members of Muir were a part of the group.

So of course, I had to do it all again the following year at Muir, but they made a terrible mistake and put me in charge. Good performers don't always make good leaders. I remember staying up all night to make flags before the Turkey Tussle. On a whim, for one competition, I switched from tall flags to majorette. I don't know why we had a baton in the house, but my sister taught me one basic move and I figured out a bunch more. I ended up with a first place trophy in a Christmas parade, and I marched majorette my senior year. I spent a lot of time in July and August of 1981 sewing individual sequins on uniforms while listening to ELO (another tradition which picked up again when I joined Danse Magique). Hindsight being what it was, I should have just asked my father for money for a proper costume.

Senior year was great, as it should be. I think there were maybe 10 seniors in band at that point. We had a great time at Band Camp, breaking in a brand-new band director, Richard Meyer, straight from the high-up hills of Westwood. It's funny now because I was 17, he must have been 23 or 24, but he was "so much older" than us. A few days before the end of band camp, we got the brilliant idea to teepee his house (we can't be prosecuted now for this, can we?). We went to the Bobs Big Boy on East Colorado (it's now a Dennys), stole about 10 rolls of TP, and went to his house about midnight. I found out later that he and his wife were hiding behind the curtains watching us.

We did a lot of crazy, new stuff that year. We actually did a western show and played the Theme from Dallas. Our Drum Major, Steve Daniels, spun a rifle instead of a mace. After the Turkey Tussle, a bunch of us went to Shakey's Pizza to watch a tape of the game. Keep in mind that this was 1981, VCRs were a million bucks and recorders were thousands. I exaggerate. So it was very lucky for us to actually see ourselves on tape! There were about 10-15 Muir band members and about 10 PHS football players there. We were up by halftime, but what we were there to see was the halftime show, and it was damned good. Then we left, because we'd gotten our butts kicked in the second half. The PHS players taunted us as we were leaving "oh, where are you going??? you should staaaaaay". Hah.

We made it to the playoffs the following week, but lost that game. And I cried at the end of our last halftime show, because I thought it was all over. Silly me. I'd only just begun....

(an unrelated thought, and I'm not sure why I remember this, but "Turning Japanese" was playing on the bus as we rode from the stadium back to campus)

Part of the reason I picked USC was because they had a flag line (the other was that their Electrical Engineering department was ranked 5 in the nation). But I didn't join band my freshman year....which was probably okay in the end. I was too afraid of getting crappy grades and losing my scholarship, and thus was bored my freshman year, having nothing to do with study, party, and wish I was in band. But I did try out and got my first sunburn at band camp in San Diego. I had no clue what it was.

4 years of band included the Olympic Opening/Closing ceremonies in 1984, The Statue of Liberty All-American college band in 1986, trips to the Bay area, Chicago, Phoenix, Tucson, Las Vegas, Orlando and Hawaii. AND...another Rose Parade.

Those who know me know I haven't stopped. And why should I? It's fun, I'm good, and I can still do it. I wonder if you know who still plays you know what?

Do you see why I still do this? If not...you can't be my friend....
9:37 PM 
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Sunday, July 26, 2009 

Current mood:  relaxed
Category: Romance and Relationships
I actually got my wish, even if it took me another three months to find out.

The Secret is alive and well!

Maybe feelings don't really go away...just buried. I dug them up pretty damned quickly...
5:41 AM 
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Sunday, June 21, 2009 

Category: Sports
Two weekends ago,I had the pleasure of spending three days in a row at the Staples Center....crazy, eh?
 
Friday, June 5th, the Ole Skool Crew had a rehearsal for our performance at the LA Sparks' opening game against the Detroit Shock.  Because the SparKids and our team had so many new members, the Sparks entertainment management decided it was a good idea to have a run-through on the court before the game.  While it meant that I was missing spending time with some of my favorite people at my favorite Friday evening spot, it was a welcomed rehearsal because we had yet to rehearse on a basketball court.
 
I spent the day cleaning and running errands, then left for LA for the first time that weekend.  As I got off the freeway to go into our designated parking lot, the huge Lakers sign on the side of the Staples Center dominated my view.  The NBA Finals had kicked off the night before, and the place was decked out to the max.  We had a quick rehearsal outside before we entered the loading dock, where I think the teams actually enter, and headed towards the floor.
 
The Ole Skool Crew and SparKids waited on the sidelines while the teams' directors met with the entertainment staff to go over the schedule of Saturday's events.  The place was screaming Lakers Finals.  I was wondering how many logos would be changed out for the Sparks game the following day.
We picked up our new t-shirts for the season, then hit the floor to run through both our routines.  It didn't take too long to get the spacing together.  I hadn't been out there since we performed at a Lakers game on April 9th.  It felt good to be back there for the Sparks.
 
The rehearsal wasn't too long, and several of us went out to eat afterwards, which was nice.  This was the first time we'd really spent non-rehearsal time together.
 
Our time back at the Staples Center was all too soon:  Saturday morning at 8:30am.  Take two.  We got there in time to find the dressing room, drop off our stuff, and then hit the court again for a quick pre-game rehearsal in uniform.  Then we headed off for the first gig of the day:  the Make-a-Wish Foundation 2-mile walk a few blocks away.  They had asked us to perform before the walk started.  So we did, then headed back to the Staples Center for a pre-game meal.
 
The morning was flying by!  They had us in the Clippers dressing room, nicely carpeted but with crappy lights (like they care what they look like!)...soon it was time to hit the tunnels for the pre-game show.  Like last year, we formed a corridor with the SparKids for the team to enter, and were on the court for the Star Spangled Banner and team introductions.  So high school.  So cool!
 
We had plenty of time, since we were not performing until halftime, instead of our usual pre-halftime performance during a timeout.  I didn't have to worry about my hair since we were wearing hats for the first number.  We had a quick runthrough of the routine in the tunnel, then stood off to the side, waiting for the clock to run out, and the camera panned on Snoop and his family.  SNOOP WAS THERE!  HE WAS GOING TO SEE US DANCE!  Is a non-hoochie mama Snoop video in our future?  Time will tell.  I heard a rumour that a) he asked about us after we performed and b) he wanted to become the Jack Nicholson of the LA Sparks and attend every game.  So who knows?
 
The first half ended, the Sparks were leading the Shock, and we were on deck!
 
The kids performed first:  they did a cute number where each dancer was showcased for 8-16 counts.  We did a similar thing, with a Soul Train line.  It had sometimes been a Metro wreck at rehearsals, but it worked out for the most part, and we all ended together.
 
After that, four of us remained on the sidelines for some new dance thing the Sparks wanted to try with the crowd.  Unfortunately, due to time, it got bumped.
 
Our next performance was the first timeout of the third quarter, which was new for us.  Normally we did the first time out  of the second and fourth quarters.  Unfortunately, we were still in the tunnel rehearsing when we got the call to perform, and we all had to RUN onto the court to perform "Groove is in the Heart".  We had only a few seconds to get ready for the music.  It went well.
 
As if that wasn't enough, they asked us to come back out for the first timeout of the fourth quarter, not to perform, but to help out with the tshirt toss.  So for those of you who have been to a Lakers game and have seen the Laker girls out there spread out on the court, dancing during a time out (but not doing a dance routine)....that's exactly what we were doing.  Five of the Ole Skool Crew members and five SparKids were tossing t-shirts, and the rest of us were out there dancing and waving to the crowd.  I think I need to take more aerobics classes!
 
And...we were finally done!  We changed into civvies and I spent time with a friend and her family and friends.  Good times.  I got home and watched the tape of the game; it had been live on ABC earlier.  Unfortunately, we didn't get any TV time.  Shucks.
 
Then, Sunday, I met my sister and went to the Lakers game.  Game 2 of the playoffs!  Seems like ancient history now, since they won the playoffs.  We had a great time.  We joked about selling our tickets and flying up to San Francisco to play, but I'm glad we were there; it was the last game the team played at the Staples Center that season, and I had been at the first game.  Full circle!  Great energy and the team won...and the rest is history....
 
The Ole Skool Crew is back at Staples on Sunday, June 28th! 
 
 
 
 
1:46 AM 
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Monday, June 01, 2009 

Category: Romance and Relationships
It has become more apparent that despite my efforts, I still have a crushy crush.

To which you may respond "Well, those were crappy efforts"

You are right. 

I can be so annoying....

The solstice is coming up, however....I may need some help from a few pagans.  Pun intended.
5:14 AM 
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