2008 is history, so let's recap, hmm?

The Films That Were...

1. There Will Be Blood - Glad I didn't see till '08 so it gets its well-deserved top spot. Daniel Day Lewis is a golden god dipped in petroleum.
2. Hellboy II: The Golden Army - Big Red's triumphant return. Huzzah!
3. The Dark Knight - A staple of every other 10 Best List. Why buck tradition?
4. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - Tragically beautiful French delicacy. Excellente!
5. The Ruins - Best original horror of the year. Unless I missed something?
6. Frost/Nixon - Ron Howard is hereby pardoned for making The Da Vinci Code.
7. Iron Man - Overhyped, but a stellar comic book film nonetheless.
8. Once - Bittersweet and very human boosted by an amazing soundtrack.
9. Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Surprisingly enjoyable. And puppets are awesome!
10. Ghost Town - Gervais rocked it with his trademark uncomfortable schtick.

Honourable mention: My Name is Bruce, The House Bunny, Horton Hears a Who, Who's Nailin' Paylin? (Kidding.)

The Films That Should've Been...

1. Indiana Jones IV - See previous two rants on why it kills me to hate this travesty.
2. Zack and Miri Make a Porno - Star Wars humor and sex scenes aside - meh.
3. Diary of the Dead - Mr. Romero, please be awesome again? Your friend, MS.
4. Cloverfield - Another casualty of the big overhype monster. Wanted to love, merely liked.
5. Quantum of Solace - To quote another reviewer, 'Bland, James Bland.'
6. Wall-E - If it ended after 30 minutes, it wouldn't be on this list.
7. Baby Mama - Tina Fey deserves a better movie than this sojurn into cinematic so-so.
8. The Mummy 3 - No mummies at all, but lots of bad CG yetis. Wait...what?
9. Doomsday - From the creator of The Descent, a greatest hits pastiche of 80s apocalyptic films. Unacceptable.
10. Sweeney Todd - Tim Burton's worst since Planet of the Apes. Sucktastic.

Not-So-Honourable Mention: Star Wars: The Clone Wars, X-Files: I Want to Believe

The Films That Weren't...

1. The Love Guru - Mike Myers channeling Cat in the Hat repulsiveness. BLAH!
2. Mamma Mia! - Pierce Brosnan? Just FYI - 007 doesn't sing...ever.
3. Speed Racer - Overlong, boring as hell, and so very bad, bad, bad.
4. Hancock - Will Smith should've just kept sleeping on the bench. 
5. Wanted - Office Space meets The Matrix. Someone explain why this overstyled trash is popular?
6. Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed - Take the last word off the title of this manipulative religious propaganda and there you go.
7. The Happening - *Insert pithy rant about no good M. Night movies since Unbreakable here*
8. Prom Night - Downloading isn't killing the film industry, PG-13 horror is.
9. Meet the Spartans/Disaster Movie - The Family Guy of comedy films. Ugh.
10. 10,000 B.C. - The B.C. stands for 'banally comatose'.

Dishonourable Mention: Nancy Drew, The Day The Earth Stood Still, An American Carol, He Was a Quiet Man
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Coolest TV: Lost - The gold standard of epic time travel weird-ass drama.
Runners-up: House, M.D., Burn Notice, 30 Rock, and The Colbert Report.
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Best Musical Find: Ludo, You're Awful, I Love You. The music is just as brilliant and bipolar as the album title.
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Best Book Read: Bad Grass Never Dies by Chuck Barris. It's the direct sequel to Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Lame title aside, this delivers hip espionage that impressed me more than any other amount of Solace this year.
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Best Video Game: Left 4 Dead. All the zombie thrills I missed out on at the theatre this year are compensated with this fun, scary, and unfortunately brief ride.
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Coolest thing this year: 3-Way Tie: 1.Moving to the city. 2. Changing jobs. 3. Getting to ask Bruce 'The Man' Campbell the immortal question, 'Has there ever been a Sci-Fi Channel Original movie you said 'no' to?'
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Not-so-coolest thing this year: Last time I'll mention it... Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Suck.
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Projected best thing in '09: Watchmen and/or Star Trek and/or Terminator 4. Time will tell.
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Projected worst thing in '09: Another god-awful Fast and the Furious movie with all the original film's actors. DO NOT WANT.
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What did you love and hate in '08? Comment operators are standing by! Happy '09 to all!

We all remember that classic "O-Face" scene from Office Space, right? Well, looky what I found superimposed over Jessica Simpson's booby while at the checkout line today.


Yes, Cosmopolitan has taken it upon themselves this month to inform the women of this nation what guys are thinking the moment their partner climaxes. If this isn't grist for the caption contest mill, I know not what is.

No prizes here other than bragging rights, so have at it and post in the comments section. It can be captions or photos or both - just make it so funny it'd make whoever sees it blow spontaneously milk out their nose.

To get things rolling, here's what I'm usually thinking...

So today on Facebook, you can give away free "McCain '08" buttons to your friends just in time for the big throwdown on November 4th. Along with the button, you have the option to include a short message, so I thought I'd help stump for the ol' Maverick.

Here is a series of personally-crafted messages I sent to my closest of friends. Enjoy and get out and vote, dammit! It's one of the few freedoms we have left!

For a BSing, egomaniacal, elitist, opportunistic, spoiled, bullying, flip-flopping, unethical, senile, hypocritical, callow, and downright evil waste of flesh - vote McCain '08.




Because you want a President who shares his bed with oil companies, young lobbyists, the upper 1%, and a wife that looks like the Crypt Keeper - vote McCain '08.




Because 8 years of conservative tyranny was tantamount to cruising on a solid gold pleasure barge to Bora Bora manned by Playboy bunnies on a sea of chocolate - vote McCain '08.




Because The Keating Five is actually a '50s doo-wop group. No, really.

Vote McCain '08.



Because you eventually want a book-banning, moose-hunting, creationist, underhanded, incompetent, and anti-environmental Big Oil puppet's manicured finger on the button - vote McCain '08.




P.S. If you'd like to join my army of fine Facebook friends, drop me a line, eh?

It's Labor Day, people. Rather than resort to the cliche of opening with "Whoa, where did summer go" or something else of that ilk, I'll say it was uncharacteristically overlong and dull. Why?

Simple. By this late in the game, I usually have a clear idea of what was the best film I've seen for the year. At this point, as a chronic filmgoer, 2008 has bored the everloving hell out of me.

This summer didn't help either. In short, anything based on comics books was solid (The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Hellboy II) with one ugly exception. Everything else was pretty crap. Here are some glaring examples...

1. Wall-E - I'll catch flack for this. First half hour was fantastic, then the heavy-handed (pun?) social commentary came and killed it. Anything's better than Cars though.

2. Indiana Jones IV - Last year, I earmarked this to be my favorite film of 2008, and boy, does this humble pie taste divine. I'll be in my room weeping with my Raiders DVD.

3. The Clone Wars - What's the easiest way to render George Lucas dead to me?
A) Hannah Montana: Jedi Knight
B) A burping baby Hutt nicknamed "Stinky"
C) A purple, shall we say, "alternative lifestyle" Hutt talking like Truman Capote
D) Sadly, all of the above

4. Hancock - Unyieldingly awful. Destroyed a perfect season of superhero movies.

5. Speed Racer - Technicolor cartoon vomit. Wake me when Smurfs go live-action.

6. The Love Guru - Every Austin Powers gag: now with Indian accent! 2008 will be hard pressed to squeeze out a worse film than this vile abortion.

Got an opinion or fanboy-fueled verbal vitriol for me? Drop me a comment and tell me how wrong/right I am. Let's tussle, people!

P.S. Do yourself a solid and rent Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles before the second season starts. It's not excellent yet, but it has potential for geek greatness. And it has Summer Glau - your unfaltering source for sexy female asskickery.

So I've reached what they call in political circles an "impasse".
 
I realize it's been six months since my last survey, which admittedly is a short eternity, but after my overly ambitious December project, it felt like maybe the survey thing got stale. So since the response to my more recent dispatches has dwindled considerably, perhaps a return to form is needed.

So, I put it to you, dear readers...I'd love to continue making you fine people laugh and think and distract you from your daily repetition of work and sleep, but I need you to do your part too. This blog is wholly supported by, as they say in public broadcasting ads, "viewers like you".

I will continue my mission to mock and eviscerate every moronic MySpace survey question in existence if you do not waver in keeping my comments section flush with witty responses and suggestions on how to obtain Megan Fox's cell number (and where she got that awesome retro Star Wars shirt). What say you? HINT: Put it in the comments section!

Oh, and for those who want to be able to say you're friends with the coolest guy on Facebook, feel free to drop a friend request my way. Just make sure you tell me who you are when you add me so I don't think I owe you money or something.

Look, I got a little sidetracked. It's not my fault! It's not like I wasn't busy, you know - quickly packing up everything I own into a 14-foot truck and dragging it to the very heart of my state's capital. And lemme tell ya, what a breathtakingly awesome, yet somewhat unkempt and crime-ridden heart it is!

Just a few cursory stories/observations to share:

- Why in the name of Zarkon the Space God did I attempt to walk down the moving truck ramp when I knew full-well that one of the hooks at the top was missing? I assure you that the resulting massive tumble would've made me an instant YouTube celebrity - if only because my camouflage pants came down, revealing my teal boxers. It's a small sacrifice in exchange for not fracturing my skull. Three people witnessed this (one being my new roommate) and probably had an excellent story to tell at work the next day. Well, I do live to entertain, you know...

- Puerto Rican part of town is mere blocks away and the true hotbed of activity is right in front of Walgreen's. At any time, there will easily be 20-30 people sitting out front doing nothing. Any people of Puerto Rican heritage who could help explain this phenomenon? Is there some annual Cinco de Walgreen festival I'm not aware of? Help a poor white boy out.

- How do you know you live in the coolest town around? When one of their historic landmarks houses a "Museum of Natural and Other Curiosities". And by that, they actually mean "Mutant Farm Animal Freakshow" - namely a two-headed calf and two-headed fetal pig.  And you thought history was dull!

More tales from my incredible new home to come. In the meantime, I realize there was some trouble adding comments to my last post, so hopefully our man Tom has gotten his ass in line and fixed it for me. So comment away, skippy!

P.S. My pal Jason has unleashed Issue 2 of his incredibly ghoulish and awesome Tales of Rocky Point Park horror comic so buy six copies today. Cannot. Recommend. Enough.

P.P.S. Anyone who wants to spearhead a vigorous petition campaign for me to collaborate on the next issue of said incredibly ghoulish and awesome horror comic, please do so at your leisure. That is all.

Friday the 13th, huh? It's a date so infamous and legendary that it boasts not one, but two specific phobias - paraskevidekatriaphobia or friggatriskaidekaphobia. And while on the topic, what's so damn exciting about Jason's mask in the remake being identical to the one we've seen him in for decades now? Anyone? Beuller?

Moving on, if you're my MySpace friend - and if not, why not - you probably know that I recently took on a side project codenamed "The Incredible Shrinking Man". Since my doctor issued an edict two months ago, I'm pleased to announce that, as of today, I've dropped a respectable 39 lbs. (A multiple of 13. Creepy.) to appease him and I'm not quitting yet...to appease myself and possibly one of you smokin' single gals out there.

My secret, you ask? Sushi, rice cakes, turkey burgers, and Polar Diet Ginger Ale. Getting off my slothful ass and actually exercising also seems to aid in the process.

Attempting to bridge that perilous gap between fear and calisthenics, I wish to bring to your attention a short film entitled Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout. This low-budget gem from 1989 (Also a multiple of 13. Super-creepy!) starts out like a typical Skinemax softcore flick, but if you're a true fan of 80s cheesy horror like I am, then you're sure to be entertained - if only for attempting to theorize how many hours a day Linnea spent crimping her hair on set.

I hate to admit it, but I was actually somewhat impressed by the attention given to the look of the zombies - makeup, wardrobe, etc. I haven't seen undead cardio that intense since Michael Jackson danced with the funk of 40,000 years (unfortunately not a multiple of 13)! And how cool is it to see Linnea back among the ranks of the living dead, right?

Oh, if only Tarman could've fit a cameo into his busy schedule. Pity, that.

Anyway, I was playing a marathon session of LEGO Indiana Jones yesterday afternoon when I received an unsettling phone call. It was my font-of-endless-blogging-material ex-roommate and what he told me actually made me drop my controller, thus interrupting my valiant assault on the plasticized Third Reich.

It turns out that while we were living in our condo, someone was stealing select pieces of our mail - Netflix and game rentals in particular, according to the documents he was sent. Interestingly enough, this lady (yep, it was a woman!) wasn't even a resident or employee of our complex...so I at least give her a minute shred of credit for being savvy enough not to be so easily traced.

So that's where my Transformers HD-DVD went! See? Told ya, Netflix!

In closing, I really have no point here other than to say that I cannot believe the audacity, desperation, and downright lack of conscience of some people. I mean, Netflix movies? Seriously? Is purloining a copy of Norbit really worth an extended stay at Club Fed?

Boggles the mind.

So I'm not sure how I missed the memo on this last year, but apparently zombies like turtles.

i like turtles


In honor of this unlikely 'net celebrity, supercool indie band Zombies! Organize!! sampled this for their hip new track, "I Like Turtles". Hear it now over on their MySpace page. Please listen to the other songs while you're there because they will most likely rock your face off.

As for your humble narrator, I'm currently diverting my creative energies into fleshing out (pardon the pun) this zombie script idea that hasn't left me alone since March. I promise I'll give you some details when I'm further along in the process, but I'll still be bringing you teh funnay one way or another in the coming months. Honest injun.

There's a fantastic and criminally underrated 80s movie called Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins... which came to mind tonight. One line in particular kept racing through my brain. It comes as martial artist-in-training Remo asks his sensei, master of Sinanju, Chuin, about what the number of the lesson was that they just completed. His reply...


This succinctly states how I felt about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. To wait and pine nearly 20 years to rush to witness this depressing, contrived atrocity is tantamount to fanboy gang-rape via flaming spatulas.

Without ruining anything for those still willing to brave this heinous disaster, I'll briefly say is that this film now joins the subterranean ranks of sequels such as The Godfather: Part III and Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace as "Films I Pretend Don't Exist". And the fact that some fanboys are rushing to defend it from we who speak the truth makes it all the more abominable.

Someone cheer me up please or convince me what I beheld wasn't anything less than cinematic blasphemy. Currently, I feel like I'm entering the initial stages of PTSD and really need you guys to pull me through...or at least distract me somehow. Please, I beg of you!

P.S. After leaving the theatre tonight feeling squarely punted in the narbles by the once-holy trinity of Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford, I had to tank up for $4.09 per gallon - the quintessential pissing in the face I needed to top off my evening.

I know. I know. I've been neglecting you for a long time, but it was a slight consolation to see that you all didn't abandon me. And as a means of making amends, I offer this premiere (and incredibly unflattering anglewise) video of me singing a song of redemption in my bedroom just for you...

So check it out, eggheads...I'm sure you're aware that this year Easter is March 23rd. However, according the intarwebs, the soonest it can possibly come is March 22nd and the last time this occurred was 1818 and won't happen again until 2228. By then, we'll all be dead and it's expected that Walt Disney and Ted Williams's head will be thawed out.

Why should you give a flying ratcrap about that? Well, if you're not of the Catholic persuasion (which I'm thinking accounts only for one or two among the rest of my beloved sacreligious heathen readers), you should care because March 23rd is also my birthday. Yup, all the fun I've made of my mother's December 26th birthday has come back to sink its incisors into my ass!

Now I don't want to insinuate that you should buy me anything, but ya know, my Blu-Ray collection is looking scant and 2008 has been completely stripper-free thusfar. Do what your heart tells you.

Back soon with another survey announcement...but you still have time to make me a giant Cadbury Creme Egg or pop over to Amazon and order the EC Archives: Tales From the Crypt set.

No, seriously...go ahead. I'll wait.

Since I'm sure you're all curious what a week for your humble Master of Surveys is like, allow I to give you a rare inside peek at my oh, so glamorous lifestyle...

- Went to a Chinese grocery store alleged to be the largest in New England. Discovered such inedible delicacies as Green Bean Cake, vacuum-sealed 3" squid as long as my forearm, and Fortune - the Asian equivelent of Spam.

- At same store, also became irreversibly addicted to a Japanese chocolate treat called Pocky, which I liken to the insanely delicious Cadbury Fingers.

- Attempted to make tuna rolls. Result: EPIC FAIL. I swear, no matter how little rice I slather on top of the seaweed, it's still doesn't roll correctly. Frustrating!

- Omega, my betta fish of five weeks, unexpectedly met his fishy maker. A private service for immediate family was held in my bathroom.

- Sat in quiet room with two other people and started fiddling with my Sidekick. A guy I don't get along with comes in minutes later and blurts, "Damn! It's quiet as hell in here!"

- My response? "Yes, and thank god you're here to fix it!"

- Found out all that stands between me and emancipation from my font-of-endless-blogging-material roommate is a check for $50. No return touch-up painting/cleaning required. And there was much rejoicing.

- After viewing the vapid and blasphemous Day of the Dead "remake" (wall-crawling living dead? WTF?), decided to start penning my own goddamn zombie movie. Details to follow eventually.

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Now don't you wish you were me? C'mon, admit it.

Have you ever smoked heroin?

I prefer needles over smoke...rusty ones, even.

Favorite place to be?

In my happy place. I love it there. It's happy.

What do you think of hot dogs?

I think you should build them a shelter and get them out of the sun, you cruel hearted bastard. And while you're at it, get them a drink of cold water, for cripes sake!

Worst injury you've ever had?

Well, there was that one time when I lost both of my arms...

Can you do push-ups?

I have no arms. Thanks for reminding me, jerkface. I'm gonna go cry now.

What's your favorite piece of jewelry?

My alcohol monitoring ankle cuff. 8 more months!

Do you have A. D. D?

Huh?

Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

Sleeping??? uh... no.

Best bed sheets as a child?

Clean.

Last awkward moment?

Not sure... they all kind of run together.

Do you still live at home?

No, I prefer the rescue mission.

Would you bungee jump?

Only if I simultaneously had the overwhelming urge to crap my pants... then SURE.

Who do you miss the most?..

Your grandma. She keeps moving when I try to shoot her.

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Thanks for reading and commenting heavily (hint!)...and special thanks to Angie for taking over survey duties this time out. Try to have a pleasant weekend. Mine will be spent in equal parts deep hibernation and cranking through a stockpile of rented DVDs.

P.S. I'd be remiss not to mark the untimely passing of HD-DVD.  We hardly knew ye...and I hardly got my money's worth out of my Xbox 360 add-on! Bastards! Now I've got a $200 paperweight! Any takers?

So how was everyone's VD? Mine was spent in solitude - taking in both the blissful new Indiana Jones trailer and a positively mind-melting episode of Lost. Far better than being in bed with a randy barely legal and morally loose supermodel! Seriously!

And now with that sickening sweetness out of the way, let's get down to business. As my guest surveyor Angie will be taking over this time out, here's a look at the next title and a sample of what's to come...


What was your last awkward moment?

Not sure. They all kind of run together.


Full text coming soon. Check your local listings.