Throwing down the weapons, words armed with such brutal ammunition and the tongue that cuts like so much the sharpest swords. The blood runs crimson, hearts broken and so much pain abiding in this crazy war of the walking wounded between those that know each other well enough to know how to keep squeezing for that last drop.
Its poison to the soul and not worth the burns one incurs from handling all the hate.
Yes, they are gone. All the blogs and logs on the sordid history that tells the screwed up story of what was never meant to be. It just isn't necessary. No need to scream the sorrow or gloat in hollow victories for battles no one really wins in the end.
I don't need my friends or family to pick up the pitch forks or flames. The man made into a monster now is broken and lost like so much a little boy in a sea of confusion and regret. Though I cant throw him a life raft, he has to swim this one alone for his choices are the cause of the solitude - I don't need to be the one to anchor the cement to his feet...
The crazy part is for all the pain he has wrought into my life I hurt to see the way he is hurting. I've moved on with my life, I am in a happy place without him and he isn't even invited. We talked last night and for a moment I felt so sad I couldn't take his pain away but then of course he had to fight again over something else so inconsequential since he is ALWAYS right and I just wanted to laugh and bit my tongue to keep from thanking him for reminding me why leaving this is so right.
But when he looked down ,eyes so blue and soul even bluer and said how much he was hurting, how much it was killing him to realize someone could succeed with making a life with me work out well when he couldn't - when he said this is not what he wanted, not what he wants ... I ached for him. " This isn't what I wanted, This isn't what I want, This isn't what I want ..." I heard his heart breaking for once and the sound did nothing to bring me pleasure. Believe that.
There isnt even room for anger anymore.
There is no need to punish the man. He is punishing himself enough, because arrogance and false bravado can only carry you so far and for so long but you gotta face yourself eventually. He said , he said all those horrible and selfish words, " Amanda I need to look in the mirror and find out who I am without you and the kids already drawn in ..." I think he is getting the picture and it isn't as great as he thought it would be. But sometimes once you erase something, there is just no getting back to good.
Be careful what words you tender out. Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes you just may get it.