I'm posting this blog as a social commentary in defense of some really nice and hard-working people here who are only trying to make a difference by sharing their talents...who nonetheless are under attack for doing so...
My new version of computer Internet access has a helpful feature: Report Spam. Yes sir, I’d like to report some Spam. Momma fried it up, tried to disguise it, and made me eat it. Every time I engaged in a staring contest with my dinner I’d demand, “Does this product contain meat as we know it?” Fighting this battle taught me a valuable lesson: Spam tastes nastier after it’s cooled than when it’s fresh out of the frying pan.
You’re not alone if you won’t consume any food items that gross you out, especially if you actually read the content listing and can’t pronounce some of the ingredients. However, my cultural awareness was enhanced by that very product (or by-product) after living in ..Puerto Rico... I became enlightened as to the ultimate use for this meat-like marvel: the sandwichito which literally translated means “little sandwich.” These are served in mass quantities at all social events, and heaven help you if you’re at the back of the line, because entire trayfulls will be devoured muy rapido!
Now you’re wondering: How does one make the popular sandwichito? Today is your lucky day, because I’m sharing this secret recipe with my readers:
1) Dice up two cans of Spam (or for an unusual kick, use jamonilla, translated: “canned meat product containing pimentos”) and place it in a food processor;
2) Then you add...you won’t believe this...uno grande Jar O’ Cheeze (another unnatural product processed from who knows what);
3) Whirl concoction around until it forms a paste-like consistency. WARNING: It will not look attractive, but keep going…
4) Spread mixture onto crustless white bread and place another piece on top of that;
5) Cut bread into little triangles and fashion them into a pyramid fashion on a large tray. Congratulations; you now have the perfect party offering!
You, too, can learn from the pros. Here are some other methods to make food with perceived high “yuck” value seem more appetizing:
· Slather sauce on it. This is most effective with vegetables, but even the best cheese sauce cannot hide the fact that I’m serving broccoli to a young boy who associates anything green with boogers.
· Dilute it into something else. A friend from ....England.... shared her secret for getting her children to eat vegetables: She mixed them into mashed potatoes. But when she served regular mashed potatoes, the wee ones cried, “Oh mummy, why aren’t the potatoes green?”
· Call it something fancy. It works for “escargot.” Ooh la la, vee vill have zee snails tonight. Poor slugs all dressed up waiting to be bathed in butter sauce. Calamari…sounds like a secluded island off the coast of ....Greece..... Guess again, squid breath!
· Charge astronomically high prices and people will eat it. Wild Boar Loins must be quite a delicacy, as one portion (number of loins unspecified) costs more than one month’s rent on my first apartment.
· Lie and say “it tastes just like chicken.” All meats of exotic origin…snake, alligator and squirrel, to name a few…are generalized in this fashion.
Maybe I need to enroll in some special classes or read Cooking for Home Ec Drop-Outs to expand my culinary horizons. Those of you who abide by the rule of “I Won’t Use an Ingredient if I Can’t Pronounce It or Find It in a Normal Grocery Store,” you are not alone. After I sampled a heavenly pasta salad at a neighborhood gathering, I brought the recipe home thinking how impressive it would be to actually serve something unique. I wandered around aimlessly in the grocery store, clutching the recipe card while mumbling, “What the heck’s a caper?” and not knowing where to begin to look for sun-dried tomatoes. Were they in the sun? No! Now what delectable dish would I prepare?
Good thing my mother came to the rescue and sent me the recipe booklet, “101 Uses for Spam.”