I wrote this a while back but share it because this morning the various themes (the symbolism in The Wizard of Oz, a video clip of the song from that movie with SUBTITLES and a Halloween costume) that were swirling around like random debris in a tornado have come together RIGHT HERE.

Raiders of the Lost Halloween Costumes

It’s the middle of May, but my neighbors must be muttering, “Do those Ryan’s think it’s Halloween?” The evidence of three 14-year-old boys running around the yard adorned in a variety of crazy costumes would be confusing enough to possibly prompt young children to grab their Trick or Treat bags and join in the festivities. However, John and his friends are filming a movie for Spanish class that is guaranteed to be highly entertaining.

Their first order of business was brainstorming for suitable subjects. This is one time when eavesdropping was considered acceptable. They discussed that everyone else in the class had the idea of making an American Idol knock-off. Our creative film-makers decided to go with a collage of many of their favorite films. Considering most of those movies involve excessive crude humor, we’ll see how far they take it.

After they devised their plan, the next order of business was rummaging through the bin containing old Halloween costumes. Sometimes it pays to be a packrat. However, they were dismayed that the special outfit from “The Wizard of Oz” was not an option. The timing of our last neighborhood garage sale allowed me to offer a buy-one-get-one free deal on Dorothy, a variety of ninjas and a bright yellow M&M candy.

The lack of manufactured theme costumes did not stop the creative crew. The cast of characters included:

• Little Red Riding Hood a.k.a. Cross-Dresser Ken. This character was played by a burly football guy who had a 5 o’clock shadow. He stuffed two plastic pumpkins in the front of his shirt and was sporting a scarf, babushka style on his head. Adding to the comic value was that the scarf, which previously served as a decoration for Cinco de Mayo, was adorned with cartoon-like chili peppers.
• Cat in the Hat a.k.a. Gato en el ..Sombrero... The Dr. Seuss character was further enhanced by the addition of a quizzical mask from the movie Scream. This was as close to the Big Bad Wolf as they could get.
• Abuela a.k.a. Grandmother, played by my son. He raided my closet for una falda y una camisetta. The polka dot skirt and striped blouse ensemble was overshadowed by the “My, what big hair you have, abuela” look achieved by the funky disco/afro wig on John’s head.

They also employed the services of el perro (the dog), possibly considering a Lassie remake. Our pet is small and perky, but basically clueless. If Timmy fell into the ravine for the umpteenth time, Annie wouldn’t bark incessantly and lead the posse team to the rescue. Rather, she’d make sure she’d thoroughly washed her paws and other unmentionable regions then scurry back to the safety of the house to beg for a treat.

Star Wars was the next feature film depicted. If the leftover fake blood from last year’s gory mask-o-fun isn’t dried out, they want to replicate the scene where Luke Skywalker’s arm gets cut off during a wicked saber battle. “Donde esta mi brazo?” (Where is my arm?), John wailed as he slung his arm towards the back of his body. The camera angle was such that it actually looked like he’d lost his arm! Steven Spielberg should craft such spectacular special effects!

The props department also gets points for thinking outside the box….Their sword? A stick adorned with colorful tissue that’s usual function is for swatting at piñatas. Yes, we have an abundant stockpile of Cinco de Mayo decorations. I suggested someone affix cinnamon buns to each side of their head to be Princess Leia, but guy rules state you can only dress up like a chick once in any given movie.

You’ll have to excuse me, someone’s ringing my doorbell. There’s a 50-50 chance that it’s early trick or treater’s…or maybe one of my neighbors is celebrating a belated Cinco de Mayo party.

My new version of computer Internet access has a helpful feature: Report Spam. Yes sir, I’d like to report some Spam. Momma fried it up, tried to disguise it, and made me eat it. Every time I engaged in a staring contest with my dinner I’d demand, “Does this product contain meat as we know it?” Fighting this battle taught me a valuable lesson: Spam tastes nastier after it’s cooled than when it’s fresh out of the frying pan.

You’re not alone if you won’t consume any food items that gross you out, especially if you actually read the content listing and can’t pronounce some of the ingredients. However, my cultural awareness was enhanced by that very product (or by-product) after living in ..Puerto Rico... I became enlightened as to the ultimate use for this meat-like marvel: the sandwichito which literally translated means “little sandwich.” These are served in mass quantities at all social events, and heaven help you if you’re at the back of the line, because entire trayfulls will be devoured muy rapido! 

Now you’re wondering: How does one make the popular sandwichito? Today is your lucky day, because I’m sharing this secret recipe with my readers:

1)       Dice up two cans of Spam (or for an unusual kick, use jamonilla, translated: “canned meat product containing pimentos”) and place it in a food processor;

2)       Then you add...you won’t believe this...uno grande Jar O’ Cheeze (another unnatural product processed from who knows what);

3)       Whirl concoction around until it forms a paste-like consistency. WARNING: It will not look attractive, but keep going…

4)       Spread mixture onto crustless white bread and place another piece on top of that;  

5)       Cut bread into little triangles and fashion them into a pyramid fashion on a large tray. Congratulations; you now have the perfect party offering!

You, too, can learn from the pros. Here are some other methods to make food with perceived high “yuck” value seem more appetizing:

·         Slather sauce on it. This is most effective with vegetables, but even the best cheese sauce cannot hide the fact that I’m serving broccoli to a young boy who associates anything green with boogers.

·         Dilute it into something else. A friend from ....England.... shared her secret for getting her children to eat vegetables: She mixed them into mashed potatoes. But when she served regular mashed potatoes, the wee ones cried, “Oh mummy, why aren’t the potatoes green?”

·         Call it something fancy. It works for “escargot.” Ooh la la, vee vill have zee snails tonight. Poor slugs all dressed up waiting to be bathed in butter sauce. Calamari…sounds like a secluded island off the coast of ....Greece..... Guess again, squid breath!

·         Charge astronomically high prices and people will eat it. Wild Boar Loins must be quite a delicacy, as one portion (number of loins unspecified) costs more than one month’s rent on my first apartment.

·         Lie and say “it tastes just like chicken.” All meats of exotic origin…snake, alligator and squirrel, to name a few…are generalized in this fashion.

Maybe I need to enroll in some special classes or read Cooking for Home Ec Drop-Outs to expand my culinary horizons. Those of you who abide by the rule of “I Won’t Use an Ingredient if I Can’t Pronounce It or Find It in a Normal Grocery Store,” you are not alone. After I sampled a heavenly pasta salad at a neighborhood gathering, I brought the recipe home thinking how impressive it would be to actually serve something unique. I wandered around aimlessly in the grocery store, clutching the recipe card while mumbling, “What the heck’s a caper?” and not knowing where to begin to look for sun-dried tomatoes. Were they in the sun? No!  Now what delectable dish would I prepare?

Good thing my mother came to the rescue and sent me the recipe booklet, “101 Uses for Spam.”