I usually don't turn down membership request in my book group often because on the most part most requests are here because of my books or at the very least supporters or reader of interracial love and relationships.  I did get this guy who was insecure as to if he was pleasing his wife because she had dated only Black men before him. I denied his membership but I did email him with advice I will give anyone in a relationship.

"Be open and honest with your partner and ask them?  If you can't talk about any and everything with your lover then who can you talk to? Why are you allowing this person open access to the most personable part of you?"

Dictionary Def: in·ti·ma·cy -

The condition of being intimate.  An instant of being intimate. 

Okay so I go and look up intimate...

Dictionary Def:  in·ti·mate -

Marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.

Relating to or indicative of one's deepest nature: intimate prayers.

Essential; innermost: the intimate structure of matter.

Marked by informality and privacy: an intimate nightclub.

Very personal; private: an intimate letter.

Of or involved in a sexual relationship.

A close friend or confidant.

Huh?  You notice how they used the word to explain the word?  Tell me how is that an explanation?  They also say "of or involved in a sexual relationship” Yet they list close acquaintance, association, or familiarity. 

Honestly do any of those provoke intimacy in you?  I mean I might desire sex with a close acquaintance, association, or familiarity, but it doesn't mean I would tell them my most intimate secrets and desires and if I can't do that I wouldn't waste time sexing the when I can safely pleasure myself without the risk.  In my opinion if you are in my bed as my chosen lover I FEEL that I can trust to tell them how I FEEL without them being hurt, angry, or upset.  Even if you are a bad lover? 

Hey, it's not an insult and I'm not insulted by the fact that being a bad lover means I'm admitting I'm not an expert as making love or maybe I just don't have the experience in "making love" as to having sex.  Oh yes, there is a difference and for those that just have "good sex" and never experience the other...you are still an inexperienced virgin...just one with skills. If you find having sex an easy thing to do, then you need to know the differences.  Sex without emotions or feelings is EASY to jump into with even strangers', acquaintances, or friends.

However sex with emotions is very hard to do because now you have this urge for more.  More everything, more time together, more laughter, more sharing, more tears, more of a commitment and more stability.  Most of all more talking. 

If you wondering if a woman loves you then notice how much she talks to you, she chatters more when her emotions are involved and men intend to be more intent in what you have to say because he wants to know everything about you when his emotions are involved.

No they still aren't that talkative ladies so stop hounding them to give as much as they get.  You will know when he sets aside the cell phone, computer, playing with the X-Box, or watching television to actually spend time with you/too listen to you is his way of being a mutual chatterbox.

Now Sex and Intimacy...

For me an orgasm is a gift that keeps on giving.  It’s my body's way of reminding me that regardless of what is going on around me today it was intended that I live a life of love, laughter, and pleasure without fear of the one I share this moment with.  If you fear telling the person in your bed the truth, they shouldn't be in your bed sharing in that gift because it's like being given a present you have no use for nor want.  We all know what happen to those presents don't we?

Pleasure can often be abused, because like anything else it can be used to temporarily fulfill the emptiness that plagues when you lack a loving intimate relationship.  I wonder how many people are honest about how lonely they feel after sex with the person they are with or how sad it feels when you have feelings but when the sex is over your partner all of a sudden has something to do, somewhere to be, or bluntly remind YOU that you have something to do or somewhere else to be?  How many of you have been in a situation where all of a sudden someone that couldn't get enough of you just moments ago can't get rid of you fast enough when it's time for everything that should be GOOD and fulfilling is about to begin?

I mean have we truly forgotten how intimate sex is?  I admit I enjoy watching porn but it don't mean I want to live my life that way.  I understand how people have itches that need to be scratched and for some any scratch from any one or thing will do so I'm not judging.  But don't fool yourself by pretending there is no difference between good sex and sex that is good because you are intimate and in love with that person.  There is a HUGE difference.

So when you love a person you talk to them in those most intimate ways, about the most intimate things because that is what love is all about.  Take advantage of the pillow talk.  A lot can be covered during the times of soft touches and adoring kisses.  So many people have this routine to love making.  Strip, a little oral, a little tit sucking, crotch rubbing and then stick it in and go and guess what?  Not one word is spoken.  There is no intimacy in that; you might as well have picked up Joe Blow or Susie Slow for the night at least they will talk dirty and pretend like you are rocking the hell out of their world.

There is a time for quick loving but it has to balance with the times that you lie down on the pillows naked, turned face to face while holding hands or hands touching while you talk to each other.  Use this time to notice the smiles that sometimes are rare during these stressful times, really listen not only to voice, but also to what your lover is actually saying. Let them know you are listening not because you feel you have to but actually find joy in being able to share the moment and the fact that they trust you enough to talk to you are all.

Intimacy to me?  It's everything that is before, after and during sex.

Ree

www.shireemccarver.com

If you read my books you may know I write several interracial romances featuring Asian male heroes and Black women.  In my research on the culture and my genuine love caused me to utilize the wonderful and often looked over men in our society.  I know because most of my life I was one to look over them as possible love interest even though I had a cousin that kept trying to open my eyes, I admit until a few year ago I was walking around with eyes wide shut but not anymore.  My, oh my, I never realized until I took a deeper look at the Asian male culture how "beautiful" a man could be and still reek of masculinity.  That's no easy feat for a culture of men to possess when their frames and features can be soft and delicate, so I had to appreciate that alone.  Now I will like to share some of my ponderings and research with all of you ladies of what I know.

You're attracted to the guy...Now what?

The only social barriers to be crossed are the one of the Asian male
you're interested in. Once he is sure he wants you in his life
everything falls into place because most families who care for their
children; within time, after seeing their child isn't struggling with
his or her decision becomes accepting or go to their gave being
stubborn no matter who you married for their reasoning had nothing to
do with your happiness as much as their personal needs.

Most of the battle is when the interracial persons you love don't
stick up for you and show you respect at all times. If the persons you
love don't do this for you his or her family will never feel you are
worthy to be accepted and continue to treat you a certain way.

I also think if Asian males weren't so culturally brainwashed by
their homogeneous society commercialized reasoning of Black people in
general; they would find that we as Black women have a lot in common
with their culture such as family values, the drive to succeed in a
society that makes us last. The need to be accepted for whom we are
and an appreciation for what we can bring to the relationship to make
it successful.

The first thing a woman can do to make it successful is take time to
get to know more about the culture and language of the person you are
involved with. Don't go into the relation with the "If he loves me
he would" attitude, because if you love him, you would respect and
educate yourself to what is expected of you to be in his life.
Tradition is a very important part of the Asian culture, anything
less is seen as being disrespectful. You are allowed to make ignorant
mistakes when you are just a visiting friend, but in a relationship
it's unacceptable.

If you are fortunate enough to get to meet his family, ask him who
will be attending and to help you go buy gifts for everyone. No
matter who you are it is rude to not accept your gift even if they do
not like you. They will accept it and grudgingly appreciate your
offer. Al lot of times in Southern Korea rudeness to each other can
also be a form of endearment depending on the level of intimacy you
have with a person. They show all this hot air and bluster and
laughing and hugging you the next. Talking about passionate and
argumentive people. Black folks have nothing on them...lol

Do you know in most Asian culture there is a ritual to something as
simple as sitting down and having a drink with someone. Such as you
don't usually pour your own drink when a bottle is on the table. You
pour their drink and they pour yours, also depending on the rank or
age of the person you drinking with, you hold your hand beneath your
glass and depending on the person you turn away to turn the glass up
to your lips. If their glass is empty make sure you refill it
immediately unless they put their hand over their glass and politely
decline. Knowing these simple things show you cared enough to at
least try.

Acting accordingly, being able to understand what is being said
around you, or to communicate to their elders that may not had the
opportunity of a full education will show a lot of respect that you
aren't trying to sway their child into your culture, but you're
trying to become an accepted part of theirs, while bringing some of
yours into the equation. Before you date an Asian male make sure he
is respecting of you completely.  Most of them are not trying to just
have sex with the women they want a future with. They are old
fashion in thinking even if they are all male in actions. They don't
mind and usually appreciate a woman that wants to wait until she sees where
the relationship is going first. If he can't appreciate and respect
this in you, he will not stand up for you when the time comes.

Do not be accepting of any treatment just because you are dating a male of the culture you are in love with.

Ree
www.shireemccarver.com