As I've been bored this week I decided to write more annoying letters to people to see if they reply. I sent the following letter to Mediawatch,BBC and Ofcom yesterday and already I have had 2 replies. Clearly some people also have lots of time on their hands (though they get paid). Here is the crap that I sent dem...

 

Dear Mediawatch,

 

I would like to bring to your attention the fradulant and deceptive nature of the BBC in relation to a recent programme I witnessed at 8pm on Tuesday 8th May on BBC1. The reason I write to you is because I believe that the programme in question was formulated from a series that I created myself over 18 months previously, meaning that the BBC have effectively got inside my brain and stolen my idea without even leaving an IOU note or any form of compensation. 'Holby Blue' is described by the BBC website as 'a sexy and stylish eight-part police drama set in the fictional city of Holby.' Sounds like a pretty good idea you might think!, particularly given the success of 'Casualty' and 'Holby City', both of which are conveniently set in the fictional city of Holby. However what the BBC didn't take into account was the creation of my own series 'Holby Murder Squad' which I created way back in October 2005. Below I display the synopsis as taken from my original script written at the time.

Holby Murder Squad - a stylish new series starring Jaye Jacobs (Donna Jackson from Holby City) who leaves her job at Holby hospital to become a rookie cop at Holby Police station where she is immediately teamed up with a veteran maverick cop played by Tim Piggot-Smith (Kavanagh QC, Johnny English). The series follows the highs and lows of this mismatched duo as they struggle to keep the streets of Holby free from crime. The series would run at the same time as both 'Casualty' and 'Holby City' and feature cameos from the likes of Ian Bleasdale (Josh in Casualty).

As you can see there are obvious similarities between Holby Murder Squad and Holby Blue (the only difference being my programme sounds a lot better, and my description does not use the word 'sexy' because it relies on strong plotlines rather than the usual BBC depravity). Indeed in particular my use of the actor Tim Piggot Smith a whole 18 months prior to his role in 'Holby Blue' is clearly proof enough that the BBC have been stealing my ideas. The only problem in terms of a legal case is that I forgot to copyright my idea, though I gave a copy of my script to my brother Thomas for Christmas 2005, and he can verify that 'Holby Murder Squad' was indeed entirely my own idea. I'm sure you agree it is very unusual that both myself and the BBC would come up with such similar ideas for a law and order spinoff series set in the fictitonal city of Holby and now I clearly regret showing my script to so many of my friends! (all of whom really enjoyed it!). It would be greatly appreciated if you could offer me any advice and share your throughts on the matter as I am unsure on what steps to take next to ensure Holby Blue is immediately withdrawn from British television screens.

 

yours sincerely

 

Nicholas Soper (aged 16)

 

 

Here is how Mediawatch replied....

 

Dear Nicholas,

 

Thank you for your e-mail yesterday.

 

On the face of it there seems to be a clear case of plagiarism.  Your mistake is that you did not copyright the idea and that you showed it to your friends.  The only way forward, I suggest, is that you seek legal advice but you must be able to verify and prove that your idea has been stolen by the BBC.  Legal advice is likely to be costly and the case is obviously flawed by the above.

 

Accordingly, a legal case may not hold up.  Maybe you will have to accept that and learn a valuable lesson for any new ideas you may have in the future.

 

Regards,

 

John C Beyer, Director, mediawatch-uk,

 

 

 

Well at least Mediawatch are quite supportive in tone, maybe they can pay my legal fees!

 

I sent a version of this very letter to the BBC only  a little bit more STRONGLY WORDED. here is their reply...

 

 

Dear Mr Soper

Thank you for your e-mail regarding 'Holby Blue'.

I understand you have some concerns about the above programme.

I must explain that the programme was not based on your idea and was
created by Tony Jordan (chief writer on 'EastEnders' for 18 years) and is a
co-production by his own new company Red Planet Pictures, and Kudos who
make 'Life On Mars', 'Spooks' and 'Hustle'.  The concept of Holby as a
fictional location is wholly owned by the BBC, so 'Holby Blue' is a natural
crossover from a format that already belongs to us.  The inclusion of a
particular actor in our programme and your script is purely coincidental.

In addition, you have not stated as to whether or not you sent your script
to anyone in television production, therefore we cannot understand how you
feel we could have got hold of your idea.

Nevertheless, please be assured that I have registered your complaint and
concerns on the daily log, this is an internal document which will be made
available to the senior management of the BBC.

May I take this opportunity to thank you again for taking time to contact
the BBC.

Regards

Katherine Tsang
BBC Information

 

Yeah as if the use of Tim Piggot-Smith is 'coincidental'!

What I like least about the BBC's letter is their dismissive tone, as if to say that I'M THE ONE WHO'S COMPLETELY WRONG. Well I'll see you and your director general in court you liberal idiots!

 

This won't be the last you hear about this matter....

 

I'm going to get out of bed now.

 

 

Hello you lovely perswannns. I've just come back from a very long weekend in London where I went to some lovely clubs n all that which had £3.70 beers and were well epic. The trouble is you never really know where is good and where is shit until you go and visit. Luckilly for all you Northern types (and some of you Southeners) the Guardian Guide has produced a list of some of the COOLEST clubs to visit in all of London. Check it oooooooout!....

 

Muff Hunt @ Angular Jesus, Hoxton By Sea (E66)

What's The Vibe? Microwave based bleeps and blips, the sound dinosaurs might have made played backwards, children with no hands playing bongos and the noise made by triangles if they were actually shaped like squares.

Who Cuts The Musical Wood? Residents include DJ Clement Freud, People From Sunderland locked in a cage, Dr Robotnik, Lego Technics and the occasional guest appearance from National Trust Board Members (Chatsworth House Cuntbox, Powis Castle's Lord of Fuck)

Who Makes The Shapes? From Tuesday to Monday the usual rectangular Royal Holloway student types, while on Wednesday people called Rory and Jeremy are banned from the dance floor.

What's The Material? No specific dress code, though come dressed all in brown to look like a turd. Neon trousers are a must as are Stetson's worn backwards. Aids ribbons are confiscated at the door.

How do I get there? Depends where you're coming from.

 

Get Down Syndrome @ Rhubarb, Dalston Parkway Station

Angles, please? G.D.S. uses exactly the same P.A. system as Virginia Tech to create eerie electro vibes with a South Korean madman flavour. A 40 minute remix of Simple Mind's 'Belfast Child' translated into Afrikaans is usually the highlight of the evening, as is the lights show which mimics feeling the sensuality of an NHS radiotherapy session.

Decksmeister General? Resident ear flavour makers include Danny Devito's toilet, Prunella S-K-A-L-E-S, lower case extroverts, DJ catchphrase. On the 5^th Friday of every month special appearances from Platonic Merry-Go-Round legends 'Hamish McFuck' and 'Nissan Sunny' make the night sickly elongated.

Cly N Tell? Aids survivors and future nonces tread the boards on weekdays, while on Sunday's the usual Button Moon terrorists and undercover road sweepers get all the attention.

Wear Me Out? Encouraging creativity is the name at G.D.S. So blue and purple are most definitely massive fuck ups. Attaching razors to your own face and shitting your pants at the door are deemed suitable.

How do I get there? Walk

 

 

Cutty Sark Fantasies @ MotorBoat, River Thames

Lay Down The Law? The Thames' first electro boat that goes round in circles, featuring a 200KW sound system strapped to the headless torso of a boy called Adam. Music includes the usual blurps and glurps. Including the Crystal Castles remix of a panda masturbating. The boat is made entirely out of oxygen to ensure the perfect comedown for sea sick pillheads.

Dance Commander? No Djs at C.S.F. instead crowd members are invited to change the frequency on the boat's radar tracking system to create happening electro vibes.

Who's The Motion On The Ocean? The usual Hampton & Richmond crowd, plus types who pretend they're from Dagenham because they're ironically ashamed to be from Shoreditch. Wednesday nights sees gothed up drowners to commemorate the Marchioness disaster and other failed river raves, while Friday is LSE drop out night featuring spangled ex economists and fucked up oriental daddy's girls.

Water wings required? Not essential, though oversized black lifejackets are worn at all times. The masses are expected to wear a name badge of a specific Titanic victim and wear Wellington boots with no soles. Revealed gash is happily sharked.

What's The Fucking Longitude? Swim down the Thames for a while and they'll pick you up.

 

 

Shakespeare's Piss Flaps @ Gopher Rooms, Brick Lane (E192)

Synopsis? Elizabethan themed techno/breaks mash-up featuring Thomas Marlow shaped sound system and toilets filled with ducks. Massive charity sized projector showing Francis Drake breakdancing, while sonic remix highlights include Justice vs. Neil Sedaka, Shitdisco vs. J Geils Band and Digitalism vs. Samantha Mumba vs. Hollyoaks vs. Gene Hackman crying.

Sound Welders? The usual Brick Lane scenesters including Trevor & Simon, Freelands Tile Centre, DJ Jamie Bulger Jr, Rancid Wordsworth, Maccademus & Flyers, Shirtbiscuit, Alpha Quadbike and Mary Halitosis.

Breakin' n Enterin? Cardboard faced indie kids, Daily Telegraph readers given acid on their birthdays, people who tell their mates to eat dead birds cos it's well funny, women dressed like children to attract crack heavy techno nonces with trampish beards. People addicted to night buses, corrupted babysitters and socialists who touch themselves.

Need a Wardrobe? Anything darker than black gains major kudos, but reebok classics smudged with ink/paint tend to win over spliffed up Polish door staff. T-shirts with fucked up statements translated into Latin look well peachy as do boxer shorts swapping places with socks. Wearing a map of your own house has also become 10 times replicated.

Show me the way? Fuck off you prick, it's bluetooth invite only.

 

 

So there you have it, now you know where all the cool kids hang out. All that trendiness has worn me out so I'm off to the pub to have a nice pint of bitter. Peace n Fuckin.x

From the BBC website text commentary of Saturday's big race! (my money is on Eurotrek and Liberthine!) This blog is something of a protest at the stupid names people give to horses. I'd like to see how the trainers would cope with being called Bindaree.

Welcome to the 2,766^th Grand National from Aintree in association with Whiskers

Going is good to soft and back to good again (gardening weather)

Horses nearing starting line

Beechtree Wazzock causing disturbance

Beechtree Wazzock unseats saddle

Penny For A Gay tramples on Beechtree Wazzock's saddle

Under starters orders

AND THEY'RE OFF!

Clean break from all 40 horses except Beechtree Wazzock

Beechtree Wazzock put down

Hotter The Otter leads

Followed by Canary Woooorf, Teflon Phallus and Lurpak

Peter Sutcliffe (15/9 Joint Favourite) in midfield

Smells Like Gas (30/18 Joint Favourite) in midfield

Miserable Failure and Barrymore in rear

Approaching Fence number 1

Hotter The Otter clears fence and leads by a length

FALLER!: Celtic Menopause

FALLER!: GCSE Horse Studies

JOCKEY DESTROYED!: Tony Dobbin

Approaching Fence number 2

Hotter The Otter clears fence and leads by the length of a bus

Everyone clears Fence number 2

JOCKEYLESS HORSE!: Celtic Menopause causing mischief in the midfield

Hotter The Otter leads by a furlong

Hotter The Otter leads by 2 furlongs

Hotter The Otter leads by Paul Furlongs

CRASH!: Hotter The Otter smashes into advertising hoardings

Hotter The Otter wasn't looking where he was going

Hotter The Otter unofficially destroyed

Mmm Caramac is the new leader

Hitler's Showers in second

Hotter The Otter officially destroyed

JOCKEYLESS HORSE!: Celtic Menopause is shunting Aids Awareness Day

Aids Awareness Day fights back

HORSE SCRAP! Celtic Menopause and Aids Awareness Day fighting

Celtic Menopause destroyed by racetrack butcher

Mmm Caramac is still leading

Peter Sutcliffe making little progress

Approaching fence number 7

FALLER: Mind The Fence

Herald Of Free Enterprise struggling

Barrymore still at rear

Im Just A Horse making headway

Harry Hastings disputes lead with Mmm Caramac

UNSEATED RIDER: Lurpak unseats Seamus O'Dufflecoat

JOCKEY DESTROYED: Seamus O'Dufflecoat shot on site

RACETRACK BURIAL: Race officials opt for quick burial in Asda Hospitality Suite

Approaching Beechers Brook

Harry Hastings and Mmm Caramac clear fence

FALLER: Smells Like Gas

FALLER: Dando's Doorstep

PRATFALLER: Norman Wisdom

FALLER:Camp Fart

UNSEATED RIDER: Canary Wooorf unseats Caroline Quentin

Mmm Caramac regains lead

Horse In Reverse going backwards

BABY HORSE! : Harry Hastings drops a sprog

TRAGEDY: baby horse squashed by Lurpak

Lurpak destroyed

Yorkshire Prostitute is the new leader

Closely followed by Peter Sutcliffe

Yorkshire Prostitute disputes with Peter Sutcliffe

Yorkshire Prostitute ridden along well

Peter Sutcliffe closes in on Yorkshire Prostitute

Yorkshire Prostitute collapses

Peter Sutcliffe leads by half the size of a family saloon

Teflon Phallus in second

Teflon Phallus making incredible headway

Teflon Phallus storms to front with electric pace!

Teflon Phallus leads by miles

Teflon Phallus looking tired

Teflon Phallus can't keep it up

Teflon Phallus drops dead

At the Turn

Bette Middler's Saggy Tits is the new leader

Followed by Challenge Anneka, Peter Sissons and Crabs

Penultimate fence

Bette Middler's Saggy Tits clears fence

FALLER: Undercooked Steak

FALLER: Crabs

FALLER: Barrymore

FALLER: Heroin Addict's Sunday Dinner

FALLER: Iraq's Future

Iraq's Future destroyed

Heading for the last

Bette Middler's Saggy Tits disputes lead with William G. Stewart

William G. Stewart lands first!

Into the home straight

William G. Stewart pulling away

Kids Say The Funniest Things! Moves into second

Bette Middler's Saggy Tits in trouble

<STRONG> contesting third

Poorly Trained Climber close behind

Turkish Suicide running like a spaccer

Bette Middler's Saggy Tits has fucked it up

Kids Say The Funniest Things! and Poorly Trained Climber run to the front

50 metres

Poorly Trained Climber takes the lead

Poorly Trained Climber is going to win the National

Poorly Trained Climber holds on!

William G. Stewart takes second

Three Legged Spastic limps home in last

 

 

 

RESULT:

1. Poorly Trained Climber (66/1)
2. William G. Stewart (15/1)
3. Go Fuck Yourself (pi)
4. Fanta Is For Plebs (9s)

enjoy the real race, and bet as much as you can! cheerio.

As I clock watched my way through work the day before today I saw one of the crappest lists I have ever seen. I am a big fan of lists, cos I is a bit sad but this list was bare bad n tingz.
The top 10 catchphrases heard by teachers:

1. Whatevah (The Catherine Tate Show and Little Britain) - 69 per cent
2. Am I bovvered? (The Catherine Tate Show) - 65 per cent
3. D'oh! (The Simpsons) - 54 per cent
4. Innit? (Little Britain) - 48 per cent
5. The computer says no (Little Britain) - 39 per cent
6. You are the weakest link... goodbye (The Weakest Link) - 28 per cent
7. I'm a celebrity... get me out of here (I'm a Celebrity...) - 12 per cent
8. You have been evicted (Big Brother) - 10 per cent
9. WAGs (WAGs Boutique) - nine per cent
10. This fing you know nuffin about (Little Britain) - four per cent
 
In particular I would like to point you towards the supposed 7^th most popular catchphrase heard in British schools, that being "I'm a celebrity…get me out of here."
I would really like to know if this is some sort of joke at my expense, or if 1 in 10 of Britain's youth are going round classrooms simply naming ITV programmes. I just cannot fathom what context you could use it in. Don't even get me started on number 8 - 'you have been evicted', that's just completely fucking retarded.
However if you think kids are thick and chavtacular these days then check out these examples of 'inexcusable behaviour' that I somehow acquired from the 1980s. On the final one I have blurred some details, so yes I have fucked the data protection act, but only very gently. Anyway I'm pretty sure you can release private info after like 20 years, so it won't be long before we all learn Hillsborough was a massive hoax. Lol @ dem witty scousers!
 

 
It was only a fishtank, goddamit. Still you'd think if they hid it in a bush they'd have done a better job.
 

Kinky! That particular letter was stolen from St Trinians.
 

Prpph seems like Ian Huntley was just a copycat what with the schoolkeeper/young girl thing. I also think it's incredible how many ways there are to disrupt a humanities lesson. I would never have thought of that one.
So anyway if you happen to be worried about today's youth then fear not. They/we have been shits for a long long time. I'm off to enjoy the summershine, and maybe think about how to write something that doesn't incorporate Ian Huntley in any form.
So long and goodnight!

In every walk of life whether it be teaching, childcare or gymnastics, today's youth have a very important part to play. I'm not aware how many youngsters read my blog (other than the little girl in my basement) but I thought I'd create a few fun games for them to play, because we all know how hard it is to keep them occupied and happy!  Some of the games are quite TASTELESS (indeed my taste went years ago when I started smoking), but it shouldn't matter because the kids won't understand most of it, they just like bright colours and pooing themselves. The answers are at the bottom of the page, good luck!

 

 

1. Dr Cnut has been arrested for Nazi war crimes, yet the 94 year old cannot remember his own surname! Can you help the European Court of Human Rights find it somewhere in the wordsearch below?

2. Hidden in the very same wordsearch are 26 descriptions of Jamie Oliver, can you find them all?

 

 

 

Little Ben Mitchell ( played by actor Charlie Jones) wants to go see his favourite band Scooch fly the flag for the UK at this year's Eurovision but doesn't know which air carrier to use. This is particularly important as if he picks the wrong airline he will be heading for some less desirable destinations! Can you help him?

 

 

Cheeky Leah Betts has taken a letter from the alphabet. Can you tell which one it is?

 

 

Answers:

1.  4 rows up, in the middle

2.  the word you are looking for is 'cunt'.

 

Little Ben Mitchell wants to fly with Lufthansa!

 

Cryptic Capers:

1. I am a schizophrenic

2. None, because they live in Mexico!

3. Fuck all!

 

Leah Betts took the E

 

Oh well I hope you got all the answers right, if you did then you're very clever! I'm off to enjoy what remains of the sunshine by watching TV and occasionally peering out the window. Goodbye!

Skins, skins fucking skins. So anyway channel 4 have now ignored 2 emails, the complete wankers. stupid channel obsessed with filming gap year students on an island and making Jon Snow wear 'snazzy socks'. Thankfully mediawatch shared my disdain towards Skins and sent me not 1, not 3, but 2 (two) different membership packs for joining their organisation. Naturally this was an administrative error seeing as both packs had exactly the same things in. The highlight was ubdoubtedly the following book...

Now that I have 2 copies I don't have to feel guilty about reading it twice. The title of the book is probably a play on the tune 'Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow' (she was a keen gardener).

 

Anyway today I got a letter in the post from OFCOM who took on board what I had to say but said they wouldn't push channel 4 into preceding skins with a warning. This - so I learnt at work, is a technique known as 'fogging', i.e. listen to someone intently then do nothing about what they say. Had OFCOM seen last weeks skins storyline where About a boy boy was sentenced to a bit of jiggybeast with his own drugged up sister while an extra from a klaxons video stood and watched then, maybe then, OFCOM WOULD HAVE LISTENED.morons.

Despite this setback I will fight on, that show cannot and will not have a 2nd series, and I will write to the most powerful man in the country if need be - Gordon Brown. (ooh topical! -Ed). Remember, if you believe strongly enough in something you should always fight for it (just like Hitler did). I'm off to the pub. bye!

 

It isn't very easy to predict the future. Most people just say it will be dark, crime ridden and lacking in oxygen/fresh water. I've stuck my neck on the line to predict a few things that will happen by 2017.

In the future Kasabian will present Newsnight. People will live in houses like the Finders Keepers house, so the government can monitor what they are up to. People will have ID cards tatooed onto their shins, and sheep and pigs will merge. Shigs.

In the future 'the police' will be replaced by 'the purlease', an ultra sarcastic army of cyber authority, who look a bit like Robocop but are voiced by Jack Dee. Cats will live on ceilings, and paintings will be placed on the floor.

In the future Richard Ashcroft will sell carpets not records. At his shop 'The Rugs Don't Work'.  LOL!!!!!

 

None of the above may actually happen in the future, but there is 1 thing more certain than death and taxes. That is that Mel C's new single will be a complete flop.

Every now and then a music video so hopeless, so cringeworthy, so clueless, so outdated and so utterly utterly nonsensical will invade my eyeline. This week it was 'I Want Candy' by Mel C.

In previous years I have sat aghast as Rachel Stevens has thrown away her career with the awfully bland 'Funky Dory' with its sizeable nod to Bowie and semi-crunk rhythms. The unlikable yet flaunt-happy pintsize S Club Jew has left me shaking my head at the apparent ease with which she has betrayed her gormless 'tweenie' (that sounds like a Guardianista phrase) sales demographic right before my eyes, in favour of a 'grown up' sound that grown ups don't actually like.

Then there was Ludacris and his appalling decision to release 'Number One Spot' a wankily produced half hearted attempt to break the novelty rap market which (comedy rapper or not) stuck out like a big bag of hepatitis C alongside his better respected back catalogue. I'm all for comedy videos, but an Austin Powers themed video, 2 years after Goldmember came out? That's a load of steaming gash, Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges.

So anyway I really really can't understand for the life of me what Mel C is doing. It's as if she's completely head mental and has some cyclical approach to music.

1. Spice Girls (pop)

2. Bryan Adams colab (bit rocky)

3. Lisa Left Eye Deadhead colab (RnB flavour)

4. That Euro anthem nonsense 'I turn to you' (dance)

5. Her last album which no one bought (mature singer songwriter crap)

So now she's gone back to her pop roots, with a cover of the nauseating 80s Bow Wow Wow standard 'I want candy'. I last heard this lyrical dross many years back when 6 year old peado-lurer Aaron Carter made a miniscule indent upon the Top 40 with his rancid cover of the song in question.

So here we are in 2007, and offered another jaunt into the music industry Chisholm (that's her surname) hasn't merely dipped her toes in the tempestuous waters of the music industry ocean, she's actually jumped in wearing a 1950s diving suit shouting at the top of her voice "I'm shit, let me sink, this will be the last record I ever make." Her new song is the title track from a film, also called 'I Want Candy' starring Carmen Electra - this will be shit. It will flop. Fact. It has Carmen Electra in it.

What you get in the video is a 30 something Mel C, complete with pramface fringe, having what looks like a fit while touching herself 'erotically' surrounded by dancers who must be praying they get paid up front for their 'efforts'. The song's production is tacky - not Pete Waterman tacky, but perhaps what you might expect Pete Waterman's son to produce, giving his own twist upon his father's handed down expertise. Indeed after some consideration I reckon it sounds a bit like the theme tune to 'Working Lunch' given some sort of hispanic flavour.Awful.

What I have learnt from Jennifer Ellison's Transvision Vamp cover of 2004 is that Scouse women should be seen and not heard. Perhaps if Mel C took this on board, she could live out her life in relative obscurity, in a house much bigger than where I'll ever life and she can ride horses, buy a playstation 3 and feed Baby Spice loads of pasties. By re-entering the music industry with such a pile of gash she has made a tragic irreversible mistake. This song is worse than the original, nay it is worse than the Aaron Carter cover. It is really, really, really awful.

 

So anyway if you want to watch Mel C's music career die in front of you (as if it hadn't already), tune in to a music channel (not Scuzz or Channel U, duh), wait around a bit and eventually you might get to gander at this cheesy pop monstrosity. You may also watch it on youtube here (saving you plenty of time).WARNING: it is offensively bad.

If this song goes top 10 I will eat my hat, if this song hangs around the top 40 for more than 4 weeks I will eat my balls. If the movie 'I want Candy' is critically acclaimed I will eat your balls. If this happens but you are a girl I will eat your dad's balls. If you have no dad I will eat my dad's balls.

Having said that I wish her all the best because she does try really hard, and it might just be better than Ginger's cover of 'It's Raining Men'. Just.

I'm off to watch some more awful music TV, laterz.x

 

P.S. yes she does look a bit like Carol Vorderman.

This week I've decided to turn my hand to crime (not literally - duh!). Here are some crime related facts that you may not know…

1. Every time Bono from U2 clicks his fingers a crime is committed in Africa (a child dies).

2. There are more murders than people in Fiji.

3. Oscar Wilde was imprisoned for writing vastly overrated books rather than for being a turd burglar.

4. In the music world The Police are not actually police and The Killers have (probably) never killed anyone. These are just band names.

5. Harold Shipman left a CD copy of 'Chelsea Dagger' by The Fratellis up the skirt of each of his victims.

6. You all dreamt Dunblane.

7. France has never seen a murder, because in France they are known as 'meurtres'

8. If she says 'yes' it can still count as rape. But only if you made her say yes.

9. Snakes are rubbish at theft because they have no arms.

10. Cadburys don't make guns........anymore.

Anyway I have a nameless friend (she actually has a name but I'm not telling you it) who recently brought to my attention the need to reassess the British judicial process because people were literally getting away with murder (what an inappropriate time to use that phrase! lmao). So thanks to her eloquent argument I have decided to bring in my own sentencing ranking system which will probably mean the end of judges and wanky appeals at the TAX PAYERS EXPENSE such as by that Shaun/Sian/Sean Jenkins fella who kills his own stepdaughter and won't stop appealing. Selfish man.

ticking off - woman raping a man/ admitting you like rugby

warning - making jokes about the Queen

community service - pissing on a member of the public (golden showers discounted)

1 month - building a tree house without permission from the local council

2 months - animal theft (e.g. Liz Hurley's dog)

3 months - dealing good quality skunk

4 months - dealing solid

5 months - mugging a foreigner (this includes members of the band 'Foreigner' who are actually foreign themselves - though not when in their own country)

6 months - sheep rustling

7 months - badger baiting / cock fighting / squirrel teasing / fox smackdown

8 months - beating up a man outside a pub/supermarket

9 months - beating up Fern Cotton outside a pub/supermarket/Fame Academy

10 months - beating up any other woman outside a pub/supermarket

11 months - setting up an unfair animal fight (e.g. lamb vs. gorilla)

12 months - dealing ketamine and telling people its ecstasy

13 months - bad parenting (e.g. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York)

14 months - mugging an Englishman

15 months - admitting in a pub you fancy that bird from Harry Potter and making an obvious sexual gesture e.g the classic finger in hole (she's only 15)

16 months - really bad parenting (e.g. Home Alone)

17 months - leaving a pitbull in a room with a small child (popular on Merseyside)

18 months - claiming 'Bob Dylan has still got it live' without being sarcastic

19 months - Being an adult who likes watching WWE wrestling

20 months - dropping a baby/toddler in a river/furnace by 'accident'

21 months - doing a wee on a police officer/ making them touch your naughty bits

22 months - raping a slag

23 months - impersonating a church/mosque or throwing bacon at a Jew/Muslim

24 months - sabotaging a wind farm

3 years - staging a fake christening

4 years - manslaughter

5 years - womanslaughter

6 years - daughterslaughter

7 years - deliberate poisoning of something nice like a cake

8 years - murdering Fern Cotton

9 years - tampering with a female driver's Satnav so she ends up driving to somewhere quiet like Saddleworth Moor where she is then raped by you or an accomplice.

10 years - knowingly giving aids to a member of the public (excluding war criminals)

11 years - knowingly giving aids to a policeman

12 years - deliberately dropping a piano down some stairs (there is no excuse)

13 years - same as above but with a person in a wheelchair

14 years - putting an old person in a really hot bath

15 years - female paedophile

16 years - male paedophile with girl

17 years - male paedophile with boy

18 years - attaching a cat/child to a large firework

19 years - stealing someone's property from a club/house party (that is really annoying)

20 years - parachute sabotage including the reserve chute

22 years - inciting a riot at a baseball bat/ tear gas factory

24 years - using a real gun at laser quest

26 years - burying a person alive (without telling them)

28 years - selling your own child inside the E.U.

30 years - selling your own child outside the E.U.

32 years - selling your own child at the A.U.

34 years - sabotaging a drawbridge so it becomes stuck half open/half closed

36 years - giving a Parkinsons sufferer ecstasy and making them dance

38 years - hit n run

40 years - hit n run (with a motor vehicle)

45 years - wanking over a grandma in public (then killing her)

50 years - killing a grandma in public (then wanking over her)

55 years - murder (not including Fern Cotton)

60 years - serial murder

LIFE - murdering a policeman

LIFE without parole - murdering Dame Helen Mirren

DEATH PENALTY - murdering the Queen

For every other crime a numerical draw in the style of the National Lottery Thunderball will decide the punishment. So anyway the moral behind this blog is stop treating people like individuals, because it wastes too much time in court.

 Did you notice 33% of my blogs are just lists of random words? Well if you did….shhhhhhhh. I'm off to ply wth my blls. Ltrz.x

Last week I asked you to send in your questions to soul tinged acoustic behemoth James Morrison (remember?). James has very kindly offered to answer the best ones, so perhaps if you concentrate for just 1 minute you might learn something…

 

Dear James,

Firstly I must say congratulations on winning Best British Male at last week's Brit Awards. You are definitely more talented than Jarvis Cocker. Anyway I was recently having an argument with my brother and wondered if you could settle the following question. It is a well known fact that Henry VIII had more wives than Robbie Williams, but can you tell me which of the 2 has won the most Brit Awards?

Tariq, Bolton

 

 James says: "Thanks ever so much for your kind words. I definitely deserved to win a Brit Award, though it still hasn't sunken in yet. To answer your question Robbie Williams has won an incredible 15 Brit Awards while Henry VIII despite composing 'Greenseleeves' hasn't scooped a single trophy. I once got told by a friend Anne of Cleeves won a Brit Award, but apparently he meant Annie Lennox."

 

Dear James,

Well done on your Brit Award James, I was rooting for either you or Paolo Nutini. My question is: I was recently walking down Orpington high street, and I thought I saw what appeared to be a 'mirage'. However unlike most 'mirages' as I got closer it did not disappear. Were my eyes playing tricks on me or could this be true?

Melanie, Orpington

 

 James says: "Hey Melanie, I'm totally made up about winning my first Brit, and I think I probably deserved it more than Paolo, simply because I am the singer songwriter on everyone's lips at the moment. What you were seeing was actually a Mirage, believe it or not! There happens to be a popular café on Orpington High Street called Mirage and this is almost certainly what your eyes witnessed. If you approach Mirage from the St Mary's Cray end of the High Street then the café is visible from up to 200 metres away…confusing huh?!"

 

Dear James,

I'm so pleased you came away with a Best British Male Brit Award, though I do also think Jamelia was robbed. Anyway my question to you is why do crabs walk sideways? My mate reckons it is something to do with magnets.

Reuben, Birmingham

 

James says: "Hi Reuben, it's been an incredible year! If someone said to me 12 months ago while I was busking in Cornwall that I'd go on to win a Brit Award, then I would have spat in their face. I agree about Jamelia, perhaps the police should take the award off Amy Winehouse and give it to Jamelia! 

  To answer your question I have to say that your friend is incorrect. Magnets do have very little effect on crabs. The reason they walk sideways is quite simply because they are the 'jokers' of the crustacean family, and are always up for a laugh. It is a well known fact that if crabs are on their own and have no one to share a visual joke with, then they will simply walk normally. It has also been known for limpets to heckle crabs because of their funny walks, yet like so much in the animal kingdom, the heckling takes place at too high a frequency for the human ear to notice."

 

Dear James,

Can you help settle a pub discussion me and my pal Wendy had last week. Wendy reckons a snooker table is bigger than a football pitch, but I'm sure it's the other way round. Since she's so adamant about the matter, it has started to put some doubt into my mind. Also why is the grass on snooker tables always in such great condition?

Fred, Cowdenbeath

 

  James says: "Cheers for your support Fred! I couldn't win Brit Awards if it wasn't for people like you. I am fairly sure that a snooker table is less than half the size of a football pitch, so you are indeed correct Fred. Though I do believe if you see a snooker table on the television it is not actual size. I'm afraid I can't help you on the snooker table grass question, that's got me totally stumped."

 

Dear James,

I wrote to you earlier saying that Jamelia was robbed. This did not relate to the Brit Awards, but in fact I found her crying next to her unlocked backdoor earlier this morning. I do however have another question that has been troubling me for sometime. Does the film Romeo Must Die starring Aaliyah count as an 'urban myth'?

Reuben (Jamelia's dad), Birmingham

 

 James says: "Sorry to hear about Jamelia. It is a shame she doesn't have a Brit Award to comfort her. You do raise an excellent question Reuben, and I believe Romeo Must Die is indeed an urban myth. I also believe the 2002 film 'Queen of the Damned' starring Aaliyah is also an urban myth, due to it starring a popular R&B singer, and being all about vampires."

 

 

Dear James,

My mate tells me that the Titanic sank. I keep telling him that it can't have sank because it was unsinkable. Is he having me on?

Wolfy, Quantock Hills

 

 James says: "Hopefully I'll make it a Brit Award double next year Wolfy!

I'm afraid your mate isn't having you on, the Titanic really did sink. Perhaps the ultimate irony is that loads of little boats (called lifeboats) didn't sink, despite being small, rubbish and made of wood. There was a multi Oscar winning film about the Titanic, called Deep Impact which you might like to see to learn more about the subject."

 

 

If you have any further questions for James, don't hesitate to ask. He is a very clever man. I'm off to have tea and scones with Winehouse. Bye! x