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Sirbutlust



Last Updated: 11/18/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 33
Sign: Cancer

City: upwind of the stink
State: NEW JERSEY
Country: US
Signup Date: 8/19/2006

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Wednesday, December 02, 2009 
Sirbutlust did not get his editorial published in a newspaper, his alter ego/ regular person Mike did. I was published once with a drawing of the New Jersey devil for an article my Brother in law wrote about the New Jersey Devil. You can see those pictures in my picture section, the printed one and the funny rejected onethat looks like a kangaroo that i prefered. Actually more people read my crap when i psot pictures so ill just post them . guess which one was the rejected NJ devil.

 


 



This is a fine Newspaper and was a step up from the free bar magizines i was published in a few times last year. This  is the Record. You may have seen this paper, even if your not from my area. The Dan Akoryd character in "Coneheads" would read it. He lived in Paramus, thats near me. Its full of malls and chain stores and traffic. A fine newspaper indeed.

So i ve still been trying to get two cats adopted. One is ten, one is 12 so its really hard. i went around town posting posters i made of the two cats. Most people are dicks and wont let you post pictures in there windows even if you ask. So i went commando and just posted them on store windows. In mcdonalds i put one on the wall wehn you enter, but real low under the window. There was two reasons for this, workers would see it easier from inside  and remove it and kids coming in would see it at eye level. im evil like that.

 


So my roommate was calling retirement homes and animal shelters and everything looking for  a home. The owner keeps them in a kennel cause she s too ill to take care of them, she was spending lots of money. So nothing was working so i came up with a brilliant idea, id write a letter to the newspapers editorial department. Put something in about the cats and then to make it printable and not an ad for getting cats homes, i wrote some stuff about animal shelters i never visited but knew enough of the conditions. This past monday they printed it. Two people contacted the editor to give me there information to hopefuly adopt the cats. I didnt call them cause i figured i should let my roommate call them, my social skills are weak. She gave the numbers to the elderly former owner for her to call the people interested. Everyone is very happy with me. Heres the article. Note the mention of the cats, old lady and my mush about animal sheltors. The editor also added a great pictutre and depressing caption. Kudos to him (i really sent him a gushy letter wishing him a happy holiday, im getting good at this stuff).

 

They put in my deragotory comment about people who text message mindly and say they cant afford to keep there cat. thats really cool. Figred that would have been edited out (As mocking mindless in public cell phone users is a larger chunck of the population)

So i called my Mom to see if she would hold a copy of the newspaper for me as she gets it delivered and it was yesterdays. I got my dad on the line. He did his thing where he said "What?" a lot cause he thinks being able to not understand anyone is cooler than wearing a hearing aid. After i explained to him who i was, (as in its "hi dad its mike" and he responds "mike, mike who" which i respond "mike your son") He told me they saw it in the paper and asked questions he already knew (he does this, its his conversational technique). He then asked me to look up the Franklin Mint on the internet "thing" cause he wants to see a picture  of what the new 2010 penny looks like. I then ask if Mom is there and he puts me on the phone with her. Heres the downside of my brilliant editorial letter/cat ad. My mom was gushing and said "did you write that letter". at the time i forgot what i wrote as i wrote it last week. I said "kinda". She said "the part with the donating blankets and such was so beautyful" and i was like "what, my roommate helped, it was her idea" which was a lie. my mom knows when i lie, thats why she doenst ask a lot of questions.

So i got her off the phone. THen my roommate calls to gush and say how i write stuff good like a hemmingway guy. I told her im trying to cook Gordons popcorn shrimp and am busy. 

So all this niceness from people is making me sick. Sure im nice and might donate to charity or something and not tell anyone or thought about giving that homeless "vet" a dollar by washington DC's vietnam memorial bathroom but he wasnt looking at me when i got out and i got scared even though i was hodling the dollar in my pocket. So i thought about how im not nice and felt like running through some events of my life.

I spent today listening to this song on the radio at work thinking how I could rewrite this song, just with the rejected guy in the song actually being a stalker who finally gets his victim (watching too much Criminal Minds. that shows awesome).
 

Today i posted on Facebook about how my mother is gushing and said i should burn her garage down agian. I didnt go into details for insurance reasons but here im not mike so why not.

My first time home from college i took a bus from pennsylvnia. I learned from future trips that there is always a lady in scranton who looks like the "Cat lady" on the SImpsons. Her most notable grungy clothing is grey sweatpants with a big brown coffee stain on the leg. She will always sit next to you till two hours in. Getting off topic. So I was at my parents house in the basement with some friends. We called the Pizza guy and were waiting for a delivery. In the last year I took up smoking so me and Ryan went to the garage to wait for the PIzza guy so i could smoke. Ryan was a social smoker so he had one. IT was dark and raining heavily with lightning. We stood with the garage door open waiting, smoking, till my dad busted out the back door of the house yelling "you smoking, i know you smoke, i saw the cigarette pack when we visited you". This was a few years back before my Dad's new meds, in his temper phase, so we did what anyone would do. I smashed the cigarrette on the wall out of his view  and said no. I think Ryan just threw his. 

The pizza guy came we walked in . My mom yelled at me to put the car (a 1987 Plymouth Reliant shit brown staiton wagon) into the garage. Pizza first i thought and went inot the basement. As we complained the pizza was burnt on the edges, we saved the last piece and my violent friend called Pizza hutt that the pizza was burnt and wanted a new one. Sure we ate the one and its kinda burnt edges but were stupid teenagers hoping for a free pizza. We were about to start another pizza wait when i noticed an orange glow coming from the basement window. THe second i saw that, my mom opened the door upstairs and yelled down, "the garage is on fire". Fire fighters were called and my dad put out the garage fire with  a hose. Seems one of those lawn chairs with the mattress like stuffing caught fire. Probably from ryans cigarette though thats not been proved.

We lived on a dead end street so the yuppies from up the street had to park there BMW's and walk up the street in the now drenching rain. Firefighter trucks nad police were blocking the road. I was watching the firefighters work and looking at the big hole in the garage roof when my dad strolled by. "YOUR CIGARRETTE CAUSED THIS FIRE" he screamed as he somehow kept up with me running in circles around the house from him. I remember a lot of fire fighters and cops watching us but doing nothing. I went to the neighbors house across the street were a old classmate lived. SHe was throwing a party and i saw some kids from highschool including htat wierd goth arab kid who wore purple contacts. They asked how i was, i said "been better" and i waited till things settled down. I went home and then next day, i hightailed it out of there and took a bus to the City and then back to college.

Turns out the fire chief who lived across the street investigated the fire. He was a big man, landscaper by trade, who wore suspenders, mesh trucker hat, and those 1960's style glasses that made his eyes look real big. He hated kids, he always hated me, and I think i was caught showeing his daughter (who was older than me) my penis when i was a kid. He must like my parents though, he concluced the big hole in the roof was from lightning. I never heard if any soil tests were done to confirm this though. I remember calleing my parents months later and they all the sudden being happy with me. Insurance pays for lightning and they got a new garage. ONe with an attic part and lights and walls made of wood and not particle board. My mom listed everything damaged down to the last flower pot (shes dutch, hense cheap). Only thing that really survived was the lawnmower and somehow a plastic saucer sled.

The new garage is superior in every way. Later on i would get a really cool Dodge ram van that i carpeted and all that. It died when i moved home and i got the family car, that stupid brown sation wagon that i should have put in the garage that night. sure it may have exploded and carried the fire to the nieghbors house and garage and maimed someone but htat would have kept me from having to drive it for three years and get laughed at till i could afford a Saturn (which a tree killed two years later).

So i wnet inot that too much. heres more of me being evil, briefly this time,

I drowned ants in a bucket of water from age 6-12 or so.
sometimes i watched how they clutched to rocks that sank or teased them with floating sticks that i would pull away.

I always colored pictures in only black crayon as a kid. My mom brought this up agian on thanksgivng this year.

I blamed my sister when i was four for drawng crappy pictures in black crayon on the living room wall. She was spanked evne though my mother later realized she was in the crib the whole time, thus unable to do it. They never belived anything i said after that.

I pushed this fat girl down the hill while sleding at school so her  and her tobogen went through the pricker bushes on the way down.

I called a kid with lukemia who the school announce had lukemia but i was nt paying attention "baldy" thinking that was her hairstyle.

Ive peed on many many surfaces i should have.

I lied and pled ignorance to my mom about the condom she found, the poop on the basement window ledge, what i did with money she loaned me in college, and were i was really going when i was in my early 20's when i would walk into the woods saying i was going to my Albanian freinds house and not the bar.

theres a lot more but i cant think of it now. my roommate is practically screaming on the phone so i cant hear myself think (italians) . i want a white noise maker for christmas.  

   

 
1:32 AM 
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009 
On the way back home the ohter day, we were listening to XM and some station and this gem came on. I heard a guy in a real gay voice singing about seeing the sidestreets of my life or something. I knew i should shut it off , but i also knew it was going to be hilarious. I then trembled thinking it must be scotty vanity. how i warned peopel that his music might become mainstream but no one listened and the only ones who knew who he was was teenage girls and gay kids and who they would yell at me and pelt me wiht rocks for ridiculing scotty vanity* (*may not have happened) 

It so much reminded me of scotty vanity that gay superficial kid whose videos i put up a year or two back about him going to the mall and liking your hair and makeup. When  i said "scotty vanity" no one knew what i was talking about. I said "you know, that gay superficail kid who sings about going to the mall and likeing hiar and makeup." They then got the gist of what i was saying.  there was a very gay guy singing and lots of clapping. it was odd. Funny how a song can come on and it gets stuck in your head though you never heard it before. I came right home and went ot my profile to listne to my funny Catherine Wheel song to get it out of my head.

I found two videos for this song i heard. the band is called Matt and kim. they met in new york at some artsy school according ot wikipedia. The group members do not provide a link for there names os i couldnt look up if the singer is gay or not. i m thinking he is. Not sure whats up with the chic, she seems real perky, too much so (as illustrated in second video of them live.) hte first video shows hte song, the second shows the perky chic and what they look like. enjoy. My gift to you, really gay crappy music with lots of clapping. I only saw these two videos but there are more live ones like the second, im actually curious to watch those to see that chic acting all wierd. But watching more than twice may get it stuck in my head.




3:24 AM 
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Tuesday, November 24, 2009 

 


 Went to Washington DC this weekend. Left on thurdsay night ot go to the girlfriends sisters house to stay there the night. They are farther south in New Jersey so it made the trip an hour shorter. Watched the Devils loose and tried ot sleep on a couch. It didnt work as a window had no shades and i require complete darkness to sleep.

Woke up and if you look at my pictures i posted, i spent the morning dicking around out on the front porch. With some wiss snips, i cut up all the dying impateince flowers into little pieces. I left one standing, to stand in a pile of parts of its dead brothers in sisters. Its artistic.

 

Then i rearranged some scarecrows. i gave the sitting one two balls,f rom which i made by siting it down on two skulls with the backs of the skulls showing (i never saw a pair of balls with a skeleton face). One skull was purple, indicating health problems. Then i stood up the other ones facing the balled scarecrow and one looking at the fence. i gave the scarecrow with the balls a shoddy penis. i then noted the wiss snips nad thought i could make my dispaly more violent and disturbing with some fake blood but remembered her parents were coming the next to feed the cats. Then i thought of the poor mailman. I found out the mailman doenst get a face of smoke though if he opens the mailbox mounted on the house if i blow smoke in it and close the lid really quick. (tried to put picture here but it doesnt want to stay. its up top)



We ensued our drive down south. We had to listend to the sisters favorite radio show, "denis and judy" or something like that. THey talked at nauseaum about some people that went to a restaurant in bethlehem pennsylvania that had to get there own drinks, forks and stuff and were then arrested for refusing to pay there required 18% automatically added to the table of six or more tip. Then they started talking about some "twighlight" movie nad if some guy was hot or not. I learned vampires in this show "sparkle and twinkle" to attract prey. I was thinking how i tried watching "interview with a vampire" the ohter month and thought it was the gayest thing ever. congradulations twighlight for outdoing that.

Right before we got ot baltimore, i took out my camera in case i saw any funny signs. Didnt really see any but it figures i was distracted right when we passed one for some place called "canal lock". Then we drove by Fort Meade. Ive went there a long time ago, a friend joined the military in 98 or so. I helped him mop so he could be done with his duties. I mopped the ballroom floor of fort meade. Not a lot of non milatary people can say that.

I immedialty noticed peopel in other cars, they were right about this area, lots of black people but they acted white. Then i noticed just about every car in maryland had someone driving while on there cellphone. For the first time i saw someone texting while driving. I really like cell phones. Got closer to DC and passed a sewage plant. the sewage plant is in between washington DC and our hotel. As we pulled into the hotel town, i noticed a sign saying "welcome Disney". this really freaked me out cause i was going to see and ice sculpture show and thought maybe the sculptures are disney related and there would be singing. Turns out disney is just buying land there cause they saw how over priced this town is and were jeaolous and wanted in.

we got into the hotel and i evaluated my room. it was nice, good view of washington DC across from the potomac river we were on. THe sinks were black with diaganally pointed faucets. i liked that for some reason. THE shower was tile floored which was nice but had low pressure. THe toilet was horrible. I dindt takethe tank lid to explore like i usally do, but am sure this isnt the new high pressure design. its the design that is kind alow flow. Pooping and flushing is an ordeal as it slowly spins your poop around and the porcelon in the basin is flat, thus smearing your poop all over the inside of the toilet. Takes forever for the water to refill so reflushing doesnt really get rid of it. You have to roll up toilet paper to use as a toilet brush. not fancy at all. if i had teh butter incident in the toilet like i did at that wedding this summer it would have been ten times as bad.

So we drove into washington DC at 3:00. GPS saved us from getting too lost but i learned GPS's still suck regardless. (i used to use my bosses in his truck and it always took me down main street of Paterson New Jersey no matter how far out it was). We found a parking spot on the street and it seemed accoridng to hte sign it was free after 4 pm. We loaded it with money and some lady said you cant park there after four cause its a rush hour thruway. that saved us a lot of impound money.

Im not sure it was the pennsylvaina ave obama lives on but i tried convinceing everyone that Joe schomoe isnt going to own a parking garage in a section of the city that is filled with federal buildings. We drove the other way and found a parking garage by were the Washington Capitols play there jerk hockey. WE walked around and stopped in a smithsonian art museum. it had paintings of people. I liked the civil war people. The one of some guy who invaded fort meade i think it was, was really life like and i stared at it thinking it was real like that painting in Ghostbusters two. I stopped when i realized a security guard might think im gay for staring at it. My favorite painting was of the crazy looking Brown guy who helped start the Civil war in Kansas by doing some kinda revolution thing. Its in history book s and i kinda remember it. His eyes looked evil and crazy, and his white hair and big white beard were messy and he was clutching a blanket around him adding to the crazy look. If i ever make the smithsonian in a art portrait, i have to remember to clutch a blanket wrapped around me.

we got to the lobby and i watched some stupid Montreal Canadian fans show up and talk to the receptionist. She kissed ther butts and said she loved the canadians cause shes canadian and from Calgary. Calgary has the Flames nad there uniforms are way cooler than the canadians. Plus Montreal is far from calgary. she was stupid. I followed the canadian fans out and wished i didnt have to dress up for dinner. ohterwise id be in my devils hat and montral fans hate teh devils cause we are better. Then i saw a lot of Capitol fans walking and realized there must be a game. Capitol fans should hate the devils too, i missed my hat. The week before i went to a Devils game and had to sit next to ten rows of Capitol fans that drove up in a bus and wouldnt shut up with there chanting. Got worse wehn they scored two goals in the first fiveminutes but the devils won 5-2 though they still kept screaming till the end. THey were stupid.

WE came back into Washington the next day after the ice show i went to. The ice show was 9 degrees. Some big black guy insisted i wear the supplied jacket. i told him i had long underwear and my nice tampa bay buccaneer hoodie would keep me warm. He gave me this look to put on the jacket and said i would thank him later. I did the ice slide too. its like the slide on "a christams story". i really took off down the slide and went airborne at the bottom. I landed on the thin carpet covering the concrete on my elbows. felt good.

We found parkiing quick this time. We pulled up to a security gaurd who stared at us. We then broke the ice and said "do you give us the ticket" and he said "no i search your car". Since we were going to a parking garage under a federal building, we had to show ID,. and let him look under the car witha mirror. i felt he did it half assed. As we drove down we realized it was some ROnald regan building. I was going to make a smart ass comment about Reagan saying "tear down this wall" but couldnt comeup with anything. THe girlfirneds brother in law beat me and said something about its good parking if you could remember where you parked. (altimerz reference). i laughed about half a minute later and he said "you just got that huh" nad i explained i was trying to think of my own smart assed comment but got stuck on the wall one. Too bad.

Walked to hte Washington monument nd then to the WWll one and then through the wading pool all the way up the steps to the Licoln memorial. I kinda figured you werent allwoed to sit on his lap and realized even if you wanted to, hes way up there and its impossible to climb. I think they should make Lincoln a santa for grownups and we sit on his lap nad instead of asking for presents, tell him our dissappointment in politicains and other amercians.

Then we walked passed the vietname memmorail but dindt see it. i had to pee and no one wanted to double back to hte memorial. We saw a pond with ducks. they were nice and one kept posing for me.  i wanted  a picture of when he bobbed his head underwater so his butt stuck up but got thrown in timing by my cameras delay. he did it al ot till i got it right.

THats were my pictures kinda ended. I took one of the front of the Smithsonian amercian history museaum. Saw trains, transportation displays, 50's cold war histroy and other stuff i already knew and the war exhibit which was suprisingly  dissappointing. I wanted to see wierd stuff. In hindsight i just realized we forgto to go to the holocuast museum. Then we went outside and i watched person after person throw garbage into a recycling container as i ate a hotdog frm the nearby vender. Water made my hands cold and we went back.

It was now dinner time. We went to one place on our little hotel area town but the waiting time was long. This town is like three square blocks of a city but mostly hotels and a bunch of stores and a lot of soon to open yuppie shops. We walked to this restaurant called "Ketchups". i was kinda into it till i heard Ashton Kutcher owns it . THen i was dragged in, reluctant but hungry. Heres my review.

KETCHUPS ( a review)

You walk in and they sit you down at tables with what looks like a section of a dick tracy comic. the seats are made to look like either a fry basket or a crab catcher. If you have a lean back like me with a spine that isnt covered in lots of padding of skin, then it will hurt like hell when you sit back, like your leaning on a fry basket or a crab catcher basket.

The menu seemed ot resemble a KFC menu with a lot of extra crap on it to look fancy. A big downfall of the menu is when i read it, i read it in Aston Kutchers voice in my head and it drove me nuts. The restaurant features six diffent "ketchups". it reads like this "served with fries a tomato and barbaque...Ketchups". i could easily picture that retard reading that in his 70's show voice. I went safe and went with  some burger that had all this other crap on it like blue cheese, that lettuce that looks like a leaf, tomato, hot peppers and some other junk. For an appitizer th eothers got something called the "threesome".  i pictured the idiot Kutcher yelling "thats an awesome name, huh huh". Basically its three diffrent types of french fries (cheesy, plain and cinnamon coated) with six half assed filled little cups of all six ....Ketucups!!!

my salad was okay. then the main course was screwed up cause allegedly someone dropped one of our barbuequed chicken nad the lobster mac and cheese. I dont believe it but the brother in law was stuck eating the "threesome" waiting while we ate. My burger was not medium and i never had fries with that much salt. it was disgusting. like they dipped the fries in glue and tossed them in seasoned salt and then pasted more on. I ate about half and saved the rest for a doggy bag i later threw out.

So if you want to eat food that will make you vomit and die as homer simpson once said, then be sure to eat here. It was real reasonable too, for four dinners sharing one appitizer, one salad, four meals and two beers (plus one free beer due to the waiting for the botched chicken meal) it was well over a hundred bucks. Im thinking it was about 150. Ashton Kutcher sucks, and so does his food.

Then feeling bloated i had to follow everyone who went looking at all the over priced stores. One sold overpriced jewerly one sold clothes, one sold snotty over priced art, one sold 38 dollar six inch cakes, one sold overpriced junk. Frooze my balls off as it was windy and i was nt dressed for it.

got back to the hotel, went to hte attruim and watched them do some show with the fountian. Stupid kids never learned that if its a fountain show that shoots water five stoires inot the air, you may get wet if you stand right up there. They played some christams music and when the singing got loud , they shot it up more. it was stupid. i spent more time watching the hairy retarded guy in front of me. He had a plastic slinky in one hand and was shaking it and pet his head with the ohter hand as his mother petted his head too. Then after the music they released the snow that my girlfirned and her sister were so excited for. 

It looked like snow, and wehn i touched it, i realized it was wet and not paper but little bits of what looked like dishsoap bubbles. it was gross. It reminded me of this story i read in that magizine i had that drawing printed in, where one of the beer critics was talking baout a beer and mentioned how the night she was trying it, went ot wipe what looked like to be lint off a friends jacket and then realized it was wet and was cum. She talked bout how she vomited that beer for quite some time. IT was the best Beer review i ever read.

Then we drank beers and they put the devils game on for us. they lost agian. THen the next day, we met up with a couple who lived nearby in virgina who was related to my girlfirend. i got dragged to a coffee shop. i had a sprite. Then we left the island of hotels and yuppies forever hopefully. As we drove back we stopped at a "Cracker barrell" in southern jersey. I went once to one last year for the first time. ITs crap your grandmohter would make for you if she had no idea about any of the health and cholesterol research that has come out in the last fifty years.

 Cracker barrell was great cause we walked in and it was like walking into a high school cafeteria. Loud loud screaming. Six tables of a group of 13-16 year old young black males. Its not a stereotype, black people are really loud. There leader guys were sitting at a seprate table with there ipods on to drown it out. they were loud too. Eventually they left and it got so quiet i could hear the waitres complianing about how they barely tipped her and  didnt tip her anywhere near enough for covering six diffrent tables.

Then i got home and saw my kitty cat and doggy. the end .  im sick of writing this crap.  

 
12:59 AM 
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Wednesday, November 18, 2009 
Was reading the paper the other day and former Baseball player Sammy Sosa (who is real black) had a picture taken that shows he became real white looking. It freaked the living hell out of me. Heres a photoshop i did on the subject.


 

Adorable. Those who view my pictures know the black cat is pete (he has big fangs) and the white one is evil solomon (the cat i think was hitler or goebels in previous life and is being punished by becoming a white cat with a loud italian female owner and given a jewish name by the kennel that she got him from). Of course if you know they are two seperate cats, it ruins the bit. What im trying to say is they are two seperate cats and my cat did not use a facial cream that lightens the skin along with not being as tan cause hes not spending all summer on the baseballl field. In other Solomon/ Pete news, solomon is frequently liking petes asshole and gets sick on my roommates bed. THen she gets all loud and yells at him. I like my Orange giant cat, jack, he hates them all.


Speaking of cats, heres a poster i made to find two cats a home. Their owner is elderly and in a retirement home and has been paying a kennel to store them for a month now and is starting to think they should put them down. shes already spent a grand on the housing at the kennel. The white one is ten and the calico is twelve so its really hard to do. I posted posters all over and had to go commando and put them on stores fronts cause franchise buisness's are dicks and dont want anythign not advertising sales on there windows.  I also find people are dicks becasue they dont want older cats cause they will die sooner though a cat can easily live to 17-20 years old. They'd rather see cats put down than adopt them themselves and feel good about giving the cats a good life in there later years.

 

no one that reads my crap lives in my area but if you have a jersey relative or something, you can help maybe. Today i submitted there pictures and bio's to a charity type place that tries to find homes on the internet. they wanted my email. i got to work on making a non "sirbutlust " related email name. I got one with my real name but so many people have my name, i had to put in a bunch of numbers i cant remember.

I learend today that my town and the surrounding area has some dumbass Jewerly store that is doing a promotion of leaving 250,000 dollars worth of jewerly in a bunch of paper bags with a orange tag for people to find. I think ive been watching too much "criminal minds" cause i spent the day thinking of places they would hide it. I figure tehy think its a poor idea to put it in a home residence yard, ecspecially with giant leaf piles that get picked up so its got ot be public. I live near a baseball field for some condos near a lot of McMansions and assume the Store would leave them near a rich area hoping to win them over. You cant leave jewerly in a trailer park and expect the person who finds it to come to the store to buy more.
I got home and walked my dog, taking him to the park. I may have been doing al ot of "Criminal Minds" analysing of the probable hiding spots but i didnt prepare right. My flash light was dying, my clothes were black, it was cold and i had no gloves, and my shoe was making farting noises when i walked. I got to the field and wlaked around more than i wanted to cause i couldnt see far with the crappy flashlight. I didnt find anything and just came home with really cold hands. I then realized my poor analysing cause i dont think they would leave the jewerly out in the field or somewher they couldnt monitor who finds it. Otherwise morons like me would find it, and to aviod tax purposes, not tell anyone and give it to there girlfriend as a chirstmas present. Most likely the bags are outside stores were the owner is freinds with the jewerly store owner and will alert them when someone finds it. Its got to be a sham. 

I did however fantisize about finding one and seeing one of those doushebag soccar moms im surrounded by running toward it as i swipe it away first. Then she would complain and say i stole it from her and the police would get involved. Knowing cops would side iwth a soccar mom over a thirty year old guy like me, i would be presumed the guilty one till i said "i hate jewerly why would i want it, ill just dontate it to charity" and then the soccar mom would tell hte cop she wants it for herself and the cops would believe me. it'd be like the King David story in the bible with splitting the baby in two for the two ladies who claimed ot be the mom. I d really like to have one of those soccar moms get screwed over by me. this is stuff i think about in the shower. 

Im also considering using this Jewerly thing to start my own scam. its not a money making evil scam, its a freindly happy scam. Im thinking about putting my own brown paper bags all over the town with a orange tag on them and thus casueing a frenzy. when people find my fake bags though, they will find a piece of paper inside that looks like the poster above of the cats im trying to adopt. This will get them a lot of atttention and hopefully a home. people will htink im a jerk but see its for the cats and that will make it okay. Not sure if it's a ticketable offense though, cops could find any reason to give you a ticket. ill have to research. It may be a loophole it may not be. Kinda like when i was 21 and i planned out an assasination that would not be an assasination. I mentioned it once , but thats when i thought i would become instantly famous for shooting Dolly the cloned sheep and being the first person to assasinate a clone. i would be like cain in the bible who was the first human to murder another. Then when the legal thing would come down on me, i could plead Dolly the sheep wasnt a real animal, thus i didnt really kill anything. Might face a gun charge or soemthing like that but not murder. My plan was foiled when some guy in the bar told me they kept Dolly the sheep in a underground research place and didnt parade her around sweden or switzerland or where ever she was from. Dolly died anyway.


Do this wasnt the most interesting of blogs but i felt i should put something up. My next blog should be about my upcoming trip. I am going to Washington D.C. this weekend wiht my girlfriend and her sister and brother in law. Her sister (who ironically is always cold) is bringing us to see  some Ice sculpture thing. I want to go to the Smithsonian and see dead mummies and such. I heard that out there there is a hotel room that is made of ice. I imagine the bed is real cause you'd melt ice if you layed on it wiht blankets but it would be awesome if the toilet was made of ice. Id stay there then. I'd drink a crap load of beers and see if i could pee so i split the toilet in half through melting.

Other plans for Washington D.C. may include getting a picture of me siting on abe lincolns statues lap but i think that is frowned upon. I may leave Sirbutlust officially autographed baseball cards all over the place but i think security is tight there and the secret service or something may investigate it as an odd threat, or secret code or something and realize im jsut a moron on the internet and give me a littering summons.
2:36 AM 
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Friday, November 06, 2009 
I got today (friday off) so i decided to go out last night. My roommate hada date over and was making us food and then i decided to give them alone time. We had steak it was good. THe dinner conversation was us trying to think who was the character on some show named Buford. After much googling i realized it was Buford Tanner from Back to the future three, Biffs great grandpa. ITs also the first name of that bubba guy on Forest gump. Thought it was Roscoes dog on Dukes of hazzard but it turns out that bloodhould was named flash. THats funny cause the dog isnt quick.

I drove to my friends house by the bar and visted him and his wife. He told me he thinks that this guy Jeff works on Thursday nights which really sucked. Jeff gets pissy when you ask him for a drink when hes busy. Hes a real people person and i think i pissed him off wehn i told everyone i found him on match.com and he lied a lot about himself.

I walked down to the bar and was in the middle of a Yankee fan and a met fan arguing. The met fan really had nothing to back him up but he made some amazing points why the Mets are better than the Yankees. Jeff was working and that sucked. He shaves his head now. the hair finally receded to that point.

I noticed on the tvs' they were playing some boring college football game. I asked Jeff to put on the Rangers game so i could hopefully watch them loose. He looked at me pissy and asked waht it was on. I said "its on the MSG channel but i dont know what number that is on your satelite tvs."  He put MSG 2 on which was showing boxing. I figured he'd search a little mroe but he put down the remote and started doing other stuff. Boxing isnt the hockey game. So i gathered the courage to ask him to try agian after i had two more beers. HE looked real pissy but found the game. The players were skating, thus suggesting it was hockey unlike the previous channell as hockey players arent shirtless sweaty black guys punching each other.

I noticed on the one big tv it looked like two weiner guys were fixing it. they had a computer out and i really thought they were Verizon guys fixing the TV. i thought hte TV was broke casue that one was playing Soccar. maybe the channells wont change i thought. THen i heard someone mention a band was playing. then i realized they arent Verizon guys but setting up instermetns. Weres the drum, wheres the guitar? then i heard the word "kareokee". I almost vomited.

I ve been at a bar one time in my life when Kareokee was going on. I was 21, some black guy sang "love boat theme song" and two tone deaf chics and a guy sang the Meatloaf song were the chic and the guy are going "will you lvoe me forever, let me sleep on it". it was so terrible i peeled out of there and long story short, i almost hit a parked car on the highway that was a cop and within the next few hours i was yelling at cops that i need to sing the alphabet to konw what goes after the letter "J" and that jsut cause i missed "k" doesnt mean i m drunk and then i ended up finding myself in Los Angelos the next day at the airport and so forth. Funny story.

Anyhow i looked over at the two guys who were the karokee persons. One was a skinny short man who had "joe pesci " hair. that really thick hair thats combed back that makes one think its an orange wig. Ironically i was told it might be a wig but wasnt upset i didnt spot it cause some older guy walked in and sat down and asked "is this a local type of bar". seemed like a real idiot and i spotted his topee really quick. I never did that before and i was real happy. Another older gentleman confirmed this to me. The other Karokee man was a large fat man. he reminded me of this actor i cant think of right now. hopefully i ll think of it before i post this. Deep voice, really big stomach and he was wearing a haiwian type shirt that had margerita glasses on it and said "its five o clock somewhere" all over it . it was a really really big shirt, even on him. two simpson references hit me real quick, the one wear homer says hawian type shirts are for fat party animals or gay guys , and the one were homer wears a Moomoo when he get s real fat.

By this time people were starting to pile in for some reason. i saw my buddy andy who was with my buddy george. i had no idea they knew each other . i was real surprised to find out they both work for a person i hvaent seen in a while named Andy V. Andy V is a tall skinny, burnt out but real freindly guy, with blond hair, blue eyes, and he talks real slow and about deep stuff. He also used to have a hitler mustache. I questioned him about it years ago when i bumped inot him at the Renicance Fair. He said Hitler should not be responsible for ruining a perfectly good mustache style. HE said it slower and with bigger words than what i just wrote as he was probably stoned at the time.

So now im in people watching heaven. A few younger chics with some guys are in the bar. One fo them is a chubby ugly guy with a glasses , pale skin and pinkish slimy looking lips, like albanians have (in the summer not the winter where they chap up and become whitish.) I knew hed end up singing. then some fat guy who looked eeirly similar walks in with a blond chic whose way to good for him. I said to Andy "check out the corner booth wit hthe fat guy with the chic too good for him. I bet he sings and thats why shes with him, hell get up there and blow everyone away like that british chic did a few months ago". ANdy agreed. By now the Karreokee guys are trying to start (they had a delay of techinical difficulty). Andy said they are comedians but i didnt find them funny except for when the Joe pechi haired guy made fat jokes at the fat guy.

Some chic sang first and the Kareokee guys seemed real happy someone was partcipating. THen no one was  singing so they did a song. The fat guy stood behind some magic podium doing something  and singing while the JOe Pecsi haired guy walked up the bar towards us hoping everyone would sing along. He sang the chorus real quick and we stared at him. He looked towards the ground and walked back to the fat guy real quick. Then he was holding a santa clause puppet behidn the fat guy who was singing. i didnt get that. they had props that i didnt understand.

Soon the creepy lipped fat kid got up and sang. I figurted he sang cause he was trying to get with one of the hot chics he came with through song. IT doenst work, your in some local bar in New Jersey, not on Amercian Idol. Of course he sang stupid Meatloaf, whta im guessing is a Kareokee standard. He sang that "i will do anything for love" song. He dint put a lot inot it. he seemed nervous. He would later do that stupid song that sounded really 80-ish that was popular a few years ago were they go "i believe in love woo hoo hooo" and the guy sings real high. Cant remember the name of the band. ONe hit wonder.I dont go to some mechanic cause i heard them listening to that song in there garage years back. Your mechanic should listen to classic rock or country. i found it,,,, the darkness


I got no problme with Meatloaf, but his stupid songs get stuck in my head. I saw him on "ghost hunters" and he seemed real nice. But he does make a lot of crap songs. Hes like me, seems nice but peopel who see what i draw look at me and go "really, you made that crap". I wikipediaed meatloaf after i saw him on Ghost Hunters. Apparently he was there when Kenneedy got shot. He remembers seeing the car at the hospital and not seeing them taking Kennedy out of the car making more suspiscious stuff about the whole thing. Meatloafs a nice guy, he observed ghost stuff on ghost hunters, he observed a loop hole in the kennedy story. Hes a good obsever but im not ready to believe him just yet. IF someones a good observer, you'd nickname him "eagleeye" or perhaps the reverse like "blind-y" like that fat kid we called "slim" in gym class or Roscoes slow bloodhoudn being called "Flash". I wouldnt imagine some one said "hey your really observant, we should nickname you....umm.....meatloaf".

So by now the fat guy in the corner with the too good for him chic is looking at the song list. I excitedly told andy "ooo oooh look hes going to sing, i toldyou , i told you". then he picked a song, didnt make eye contact wtih the Pecsi hiared guy, and started to sing. Instantly i looked at Andy and said "well i was wrong, he sucks". Meanwhile the fat guy in the Moomoo/margerita party shirt was eating at the bar . I mean really eating.

Some other people sang, i found my self going outside to smoke a lot. Then it  started to clear out a little. My racist, johny cash loving friend "Fat Matt" showed up. We were standing by the end of hte bar near the door and a Asian couple walked in wondering if they are still serving food. Fat Matt handed them a late night menu and they looked at it, thanked him and left. I looked at Fat Matt and waited for his bigoted comment. i was thinking he would go with "they dindt see Kung po chicken on the menu" but he went with something similar. "nothing had seseme on it so they left." Thats fat matt for you.

I realized i wanted a picture of the Fat guy in a Moomoo haiwian shrit and the Joe Pesci haired guy. by now some of the people left who i asked to take a pciture and i realized my battery was too low on my phone to take a picture. ONe of the workers, Javier, gave me his blackberry looking thing. I was really scared and told him to take the picture since he works there and just tell the guys he needs a pciture to advertise for when they have kareokee agian. He wouldnt do it so i walked up to the two kareokee guys with the camera button and said "i need your pictures to advertise for the next time you come here". They asked if it was actually for internet porn reasons. I got nervous but htey then posed for me. THe Pecsi haired guy held up a prop behind the fat guy, it was some sign, i forgot what it said, i think it was a highway marker. i didnt get it. SO i took the picture and had Javier email me it as i couldnt type the little tiny keyboard. I regret to say i lost the picture as it was spammed and i accidnetly deletd it without checking. that picture would have been gold (but dark).

I went out for a cigarrett e and the fat guy was in the doorway on the phone . I interupted his conversation and asked about his margerita shirt. HE told me you can get them on line. Something like "Dicks big party shirts.com" or something stupid like that.

I thought about singing that night, slaugtering a song. They had "Take on me" by Ahha but i remember people geting pissed at me when i sang it in there car yet when they did it in that corky romano movie it was "hilarious". it sucked. once the two kareokee guys asked what we wanted to hear and i yelled "fear factory". they really gave me some look. They had no Nirvana, no funny Catherine wheel song, and no depressing songs to see if i could get the joe pesci haired guy to cry.

around this time, i was tired and went home. Its been five years at least since i went out on a weekday night and made the mistake of going out on the one first thursday of the month wehn they do Kareokee. You always learn somthing.
 
In ohter muscial news at the bar....

This bar i go to seems to have a lot of bands play a lot. My ear still hurts from one that hada mullett ugly guitar player and they insisted on playing top volume in a small bar . the TV behind them must be off, and the ones kid sits by the speaker. I walked by the speaker and thought my eardrum popped. it still hurts. the drummer was a skinny mustached guy who got pissed off at me the first time they played there. I simply asked if any of there songs werent a cover and he said they had some originals in there, i just didnt notice. i then asked if your in a cover band and decide to start doing original stuff, is it like finally going that extra step and having sex with your girlfriend. HE gave me some dirty look and walked out, i was drunk so i may ahve said it completly wrong. I might have said, like "finally doing anal". who the hell knows.

But this other band hada guy who looked like the guy that Teneaciaous D crap band, (not jack black). I told him i was listening to the radio and the DJ said the MASH theme song was actually a real song with words.  He then played it, a sad little dity called "SUicide is painless" that gets louder at the end about "suicide being painless and it brings on many changes". great stuff. i was asking the band guy who sings it cause no one knew and a few people i asked didnt know what MASH was (yes really). He said it was most likely a collaberation of those hollywood guys who make musci for movies. I told him he was stupid but the next day , i found it on the internet. he was right. heres a lovely depressing video of some bearded (most likely liberal) hippy dude singing the song. The highlights of the video are his neighbor across the street coming home and one of those real tiny cars driving down the street. i thought he may have a Camino in his driveway but its probably a pick up.  (toyota)

9:03 PM 
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Tuesday, October 20, 2009 

 


Im also planning a "i survived the end of the world" drawing with the same idea. it will be good. Some may say this is racist but it isnt. its true. Though in all fairness its usually the younger ones. I went to see "house of a thousand corpses" on April 13th, 2003. I remember the loud loud black chics yelling at the screen the whole movie. Screaming when someone got killed. It sucked. No one really wanted ot tell them to shut up cause they would have did that thing they did on "Ricki Lake" were the scold you, bobbing there head up and down in unison wiht there finger pointed at you (usually with really long fingernails painted red, that could really scratch you.)

Perhaps when Photobucket deletes this picture (im still fuming they deleted my "is jughead jones gay" book cover i made), then i will redo it with me trying to watch tv while my italian roommate yells conversations on her phone or organizes the kitchen banging shit all around.

Another thing that pisses me off in large conventions of people, is when i go to a New Jersey Devils game and everytime some horn blows, fans yell "Rangers suck, Flyers swallow", and the Devils arent playing either of those teams. It makes the average Devil fan the equivelnet of a dumped teenager that can stop whining about it.

In other sports related news, the Tampa bay Buccaneers are making me sick, though i expected that.
1:51 AM 
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Monday, October 12, 2009 
Sorry i havent been posting. Been busy i guess. Thought i would throw some ground breaking scientific ideas for anyone who still reads this crap. I got to do something, Girlfriend decided to hang out with me all weekend wehn she had a cold. Guess why im not at work now.

Idea one was already mentioned by me once so ill keep it breif. My Hypothisis (not hypotinous, girlfriend told me thats a shape or triangle or soemthing) is that the world always wieghs roughly the same amount to keep it in orbit. When something rots away such as a dead person, a young person gains size. Trees get cut down but more people are born and ect. Some ponytailed dude who looked like Comic Book Guy at the bar told me my idea was very viable and he was in college taking some science major so its got to be a good idea. So remember, anytime you plant a tree, a baby dies.

Idea two is my newest most ground breaking idea yet. I call it "Ridding the Earths Garbage by Producing much much more Garbage"  (regpmmmg). The idea here is what came up wehn i was thinking how Gravity works. The world is round, thus people on the bottom are upside down but do not fall off. Why is this? Scinece can not explain gravity but i can. See the arc is so slight cause its so long that it makes the world seem flat. thus we are not fallign off. (see my illustration, this is point A) I have a globe and dust will stay on the bottom of the globe as well as the top. Dust on a globe is equevelant to a really really big building on the real earth.

Here is my illustrations, try to not look to far ahead.


Now if you go to a globe and stick something real large on it, it falls off, interesting. So it is quite apparent that if we should  make a giant platform of garbage, so big that it covers a large arch of the worlds circleness. (figure B) Note how the pillars are hodlign up the garbage platform. THE ones at the edges are much bigger to conform to the earths circleosity. The platform could be really skinny, it just has to span over the arch of the earth. Figure C shows what happens when the pillars supporting the garbage platform are broken, thus causing the big garbage platform to fall off the earth, hurdleing into space where it will spin around like that glass thing the bad guys spun around in "Superman 2" did. It may take out some satilites, perhaps the moon but it will get rid of our garbage. ALso note its just falling off the earth, no rocket full was needed. Im pretty sure wehn Supermans Dad put those bad guys in the twirling glass box tihng, he probably used rocket full to get it into space. Supermans dad is in Figure E.  

Now that we see how this works, we have to keep in mind it would take a lot of garbage to make this happen. Also a huge question is where to put this platform so it does least damage when it slides off the earth. i thought maybe the ocean but garbage platforms leak and that would pollute the water. The clear and obvious answer is the middle east. It has a lot of sand which absorbs oil stains, lots of bombs to blow up the pillars to release the garbage platform, and sand whic will also give it a nice sliding off the earth with easy cleanup as you just have to push the sand back into the trench marks the garbage platform will leave. (see figure F). This whole amazing process will take about two years to make i think. Then and only then will someone (that being myself) have spearheaded somethgin so amazing and benefical that i will have finally broken Obamas questionable streak of three Nobel peace Prizes in a row (hopefully, never know he may be a saint by then). (figure G).

Now here is some commonly asked questions on my proposed plan.

Question "None of this plan seems to coincide with your first theory that the world always wieghs the same to keep it rotating on its axis correctly. Seems if we believed that then dumping a crap load of garbage would really spin the earth off its kilters. Are you possibly trying to get the world to end in 2012 or do you think your first plan is a load of crap?"

A: little of both.

Q: what if the platform does not slide off the world but rather squishes all underneath?

A: thats the beauty of putting it over the middle east. Sand will absorb the loud crash and it will end the middle eastern problem. I may not get a nobel peace prize but i will get a "made peace through a violent genocideally like mistake that ironically caused a lot less problems" award.

Q: could it be possible the garbage platform becomes a large comet like object that spirals at us or another planet causing mass destruction?

A: maybe 

Q what is your scientific background?

A; took Life Science in high school were i learned about parasites, various tree types and vaginas adn then took Horticulture were we planted impatent flowers. I got an award in that. Took a science class in college were the teacher (who was a real bitch) and remember them talking about how nuculer energy works. they lost me right away when i learned the ingredients are hard to get.

Q: the garbage platform will also probably cover most of africa. any chance it will be over those really bad countrys like sudan?

A i have to consult with my free national geographic map but hopefully. also the pillars should be edible so they feed the survivors should it fall. (id check my globe but its in the attic and i dont have stairs to there and need a ladder)

Q: edible pillars dont arent good load bearing matierials. what will you do if they arent edible?

A: Probably use the matieral to make great statues of myself. then i will become mad as i realize that the earth is now completely clean and will only get dirtier. This will cause me to feel guilty to poop and become crazy and bloated and walk around yelling at people putting out trash saying "hey i just cleaned this up asshole"

Q: If this doesnt work or is approved what are your next steps in life?

A: I was in a bar and noticed a short girl and a tall girl hanging out. it then occured to me any time you watch Lesbian porn, they are usually the same height and size. Lesbian porn needs short hot chics and tall hot chics doing it.



 
2:18 PM 
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Tuesday, September 22, 2009 

Piss Jugs Sparkle In The Oakland Sun
Contra Costa Times | Submitted by: jr925
"Reminiscing, he went to the same stretch of beach last month and found a whole new breed of bottles -- capped plastic vessels containing what he believes is urine. "Look at this," he said on Wednesday, holding up a soda bottle half-filled with an opaque brownish-yellow fluid. "That's a Coke bottle, but that's definitely pee in there." A half-dozen similarly filled receptacles were found during a half-hour search of the area."

From: sirbutlust [mike duff]
Date: 21-Sep-2009 18:04

"Tinkle in a bottle" sung to that wiener band i cant think ofs'"message in a bottle"

Im just a trucker
in my rig in california
Another lonely day
pervert hippies in rest areas
no where to go
need to keep riding
but i have to go, hmmm notice my snapple bottle

I peed in my snapple bottle
i peed in my snapple bottle
I ll chuck it out the window
I ll chuck it out the window
Its really warm and gross
tinkle in a bottle
fermenting tinkle in a bottle

A year has passed since Ive been to a rest area
tinkling in my snapple bottles
just wish i didnt hvae to pee so much
its probably from drinking snapple
but i need them empty so i can go

I tend to prefer snapple bottles
I tend to prefer snapple bottles
I hope no one rides in the glass
I hope no one rides in the glass
I hope no one rides in the glass
tinkle in the bottle
fermented tinkle in the bottle

Ooh... tinkle sprays out when it breaks
tinkle in glass bottle

drove around this morning
Dont believe what I saw
A hundred billion rusty amber pee bottles
lying on the highways edge
Seems Im not alone in bottle tinkling
but others use plastic
maybe that would be more considerate

Ill start to use plastic bottles
no broke glass to pollute and hurt snake bellies
I hope that someone drinks my
I hope that someone drinks my
I hope that someone drinks my
Tinkle in a plastic bottle
casue they thought it was free lemonade

tinkle in a plastic bottle
has some more benefits, now i have to pee

Sending out a tinkle bottle now
This mouth hole isnt as big as snapple's
I just peed on my hand
do they make wide mouthed water bottles....
1:23 AM 
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Tuesday, September 08, 2009 
My Doctor decided to have me undergo a Endoscopy ot check my stomach just to rule out chrohns desease and other such fun. Endoscopy is like a colonoscopy but they put a camera down your throat to look at your tummy. The procedure was at the hospital for Noon. The fun part is arriving an hour early. ALso your supposed to fast from 10 pm the previous day. I dont eat breakfast much so this wanst a problem.

After making you sign stuff in case of death, they bring you to a room with the stretchers in it and dividing curtians so you can wait with other people. It was the same room i was in for my colonscopy last year. The nurse came up to me and i told her i remembered her cuase seh asked me if i smoke. I said that she said last time that her husband quit after three packs a day. She was impressed with my memory and said she remembered me and i was at the strecher across from were i was. Im thinking lucky guess, and seh was trying to be nice. I did look kinda reterded when i said i remember her cause i thought seh was going to shake my hand and didnt realize she was checking the IV needle in my hand.

I laid there for an hour listening ot other patients talk to the nurse behind the curtains. One lady mentioned seh had no open wounds but wondered if some pimples counted. She called them blemishes first i from the sound of it, i think they were on her butt. Also i suspect she was having her period cause i heard the nurse give her s ziploc bag and whisper something about bringing it out when seh was done and not flushing it. The guy across from me sounded really interesting. I wanted to meet him. HE was born in 1945 in april. HE plays platform tennis, whatever that is, and is getting his first colonoscopy. He joked alot. He would have been fun to hang out with waiting that hour for my procedure. Instead i sat there realizeing i wore boxers that ride up that  were killing my balls, trying to not lie on that knot for tying my hospital gown and i realized i was too tall for th streatcher bed. My feet hanged off and it drove me nuts. I wondered if left like that for a long time, would gravity cause my feet to crack and fall off.

Eventually after some really serious and creepy anestisia 55 year old guy asked me repetive questions, i was ready to be carted out. I think the guy askes the same stupid questions to get a feel on how dumb you are so he can disregard stupid shit you say when you come out of anestisia. Then another male anstesiaologist came along and took me out to the procedure room not realizing the other one was there and he needed to take lunch. HE asked me how he was steering nad i said ti was better than the nurse last time that crashed me into a wall. he kept explaining whoever designed them never used them and so forth till i was like "i get it". about five times he kept repeating how hard they are to steer. then he put those heart rate monitor stickers on my chest and commented on my chest hair. I really dont think i qualify as the "hairest person hes ever seen". lots of people have way more chest hair than me. then he kept wondering outloud if back hair keeps one cooler in the summer or hotter. Finally someone got rid of him and sent him to lunch.

THey make you lie on your left side and put a gag in your mouth that has a hole in it. The purpose is to keep you from biting the scope while they are doing the procedure. I imagine it would be good if you wanted to orally rape someone but are afraid they will bite. They should have those things in prison but tehy could be turned inot a slingshot i guess. Then you have to wait for the anestisia to set in. This is while you are lying there on your side looking up and seeing your doctor who seems to be awkwardly avoiding eyecontact. its really weird. He seemed to be also hurrying the anestisialogist to make me get knocked out quicker to stop the awkward ness of me staring at him with a green gag and a hole in it in my mouth. "i know what ill do" i thought, "ill make this less awkward". within a few seconds, i felt the anestisia hit, its awesome, and i went "yup here it comes". I dont knwo if it worked cause i passed out. Anestiaisa is great. the first time i had it wehn i was in college, i sat up and looked around and saw people yelling to lie back down.

THe procedure is ten minutes long about and i woke up and the doctor said i seem fine. I was wheeled into the recovery room which is all the stretcher beds lined up behind curtians. They put mine in front of the bathroom door, kinda torturing me caue i really ahd to pee all that IV i interveniously drank. Then they bring your girlfriend to sti with you and poke your face and stuff. I heard that guy born in 1945 who plays platform tennis was behind the curtian next to me. He was a colostomy patient and i could keep hearing him fart. You fart non smelly air when you get a colonoscopy cause they pump it up with air so the scope can turn corners and such. I complained there were too many Colonoscopy patients around me farting and i wanted to be near endoscopy people. it sucked having to lie there for an hour before i could be released.eventually the doctor showed up to repeat that everything was normal pending a bacteria test (no bacteria). he talked to my girlfriend in case i forgot. he stood by my feet, touching my ankel with his hand. It was nice he touched my ankle, it made me feel important. if he touched my feet and put wieght on them i d be mad cause they were still dangling off the bed and i was worried theyd crack off.

I kept sitting up cause i saw that seemed to piss off the nurses who were all sitting there near me. eventually they gave me a crappy roll and some apple juice and told my girlfirned to get her car out front to pick me up after 45 minutes. I went to the bathroom after changing into my cloths and walked towards the door, staring at the chatting nurses who seemed to not notice, while i wondered what to do. I made it to the door and the lesbian head one yelled at me and said to sit down at some waiting area i never noticed. Then another one said i ahd to be escorted out and my girlfrned needs to be out front ot pick me up. Stupid nurse didnt realize she already sent her to do that and dragged me to the nurse station so she could call her. She then was stupid enough to ask me what my girlfriends cell phone number was. I told her i have no idea, its Kristen on my address book in my phone. THen they realized she was out there and i left. We went to a diner and i had a big breakfast.

That was friday. i was very cranky and tired afterwards. saterday was fun cause me and the girlfriend went bike riding. Then later on that night i drank beers and watched cops , and played Wii. the next day we went to her sisters house to go swiming with her family. I splashed a six year old repeateldy, convinced a nine year old to spray people with a cold garden hose and helped make balloons in a water balloon fight. Water balloons suck and dont break when you hit someone. they break on teh slightest touch of a blade of grass or pavement but not weh thrown at any body part but someones feet. the best method i found was to chuck one at the top of a garage over peoples heads.

Later on someone said "hey mike, you want to see a dead frog we found in the pool filter?" I said "why yes, i would like that" and saw a dead frog. IT kept growing grey spots on it and people were complaining. My girfreinds sister yelled to her husband that she needed three bags or such to throw it away. I interviened and gave it a proper burial in the garden.



Later on someone was like "hey mike you want to see a praying mantis eating a bee" and i was like "why yes i would" and saw a praying mantis eat a bee. it was neat. later on id be smoking next to the flowers and watched a bee i was mentally pushing near the Praying Mantis get caught and eaten. The praying mantis just hold them tight wti there sharp arms and crush the bee and then remove the stinger like we remove shrimp tails. The praying mantis seemed ot stare at me pissed off. they have spiderman like eyes and no eyeballs but i could tell it was pissed.


Eventuall ythe whole family was in the tv room ready to watch teh wedding video from the sisters wedding. that was too much excitement to me. We left as i had a few freinds i promised to go to there labor day party and we were an hour from home. the only other person not watching the wedding viedowas the husband, who realized my girlfreind did not log out of Facebook were seh was playing farmville. He spent his time making nazi swatticas on her farm out of hay bales and other such things.

so we gowith my roommate to the party later on. as we drove on, we were listening to the radio stations top 1019 favorite songs of all time picked by people who get 20 picks and cant repeat a band. We were at 279 and this plays.

its a funny song ive been noticing at work playing lately. took me fifteen minutes to find the name of this stupid band right now so i could post the video. As we drove i pointed out how the song is funny. My roommate started talking about her dance club and about htis song and i tuned her out as is my fashion so i could think how maybe later i could make a few diffrently filled beer bottles along with a spoon or something and play the song while horribly singing. i think the band uses a Xeolophone but beer bottles would suffice.


I played a lot of beer pong and did decent. My freind who was a bartender gave me some free beer stuff i dint want. One was a beer holder cozy that is in the shape of a NEw York Jets jersey. I was going to burn it in the bonfire but i thought football season is starting next week so when i go to root for the bucs, surrounded by obnoxius cowboy fans and am in hell, i can give the beer cozy jersey to my freind funny ron, who is short. Ill say "hey ron, i found a jersey that will fit you but the neckhole may be too small for you giant bulbous head". that will cheer me up.

My beer was really cold cause i did what "mythbusters" said and use salt water with ice to make it super cold. i brought my personal cooler and wrote "property of (my name)" on it with a little skull. I should have used a sharpie and not a big "marks a lot" marker cause it smeared anad people sat on it and got black stuff on there asses, perhaps even my name in reverse form. My hands were really cold from my cold mythbuster beer. Thats why my firend got the cozy.

Later on we played the best players at beer pong. i was wearing my orange buccaneer jersey and this jerk kept calling me "syracuse" or "autumn". i told him its a nice orange buccaneer jersye but he kept taunting me. Eventually i got a little mad and wehn he called me autumn or maybe it was halloween i said "your the one who looks like you like candy" refering to his size. Hes not fat but hes big. he said he didnt like that. I told someone id punch ihm in the head. then i realized it was my friends brother i met once and i liked the guy so it was all good.

i drank a lot of bud light and we all took a taxi home after i harrased my friends cat and such. I then went to bed and had a dream i was in a castle room with no door and i really had to pee but couldnt feel a door.  I kinda remember sleep walking and tocuhing my closet doors a lot. THen i decided to pee on the castle floor in my sleepwalking dream. I remember that loud liquid on a floor and garbage can sound and hearing my girlfriend go "what are you doing" much like a few months ago. I realized where i was kinda and i wasnt in a castle but by my door in my room and she was awake so i tried to pee quietier. she yelled something again and thne i guess i went to the bathroom, now aware of were the doors were. the next day was not a good day to wear socks while walking into my doorway.



Next day was hangover monday. then i had to go to my parents and granparents for a barbueque. Later on my grandma started laying inot my dad about his weight and i got out of there.


before i go, i mentioned i was going to a wedding two weeks ago and heard a rumor the bride and groom werent into each other and idnt want to go. IT was boring and they had food but you had to wait forever for it. heres a picture i took of my table.


THis features our name tag that i added sharp metal to as to surprise the cleaner up people. the metal was from decrative wedidng bands that were all over everything. Also you can see they gave me my sprite in a beer mug with a tiny straw htat was too small for the mug. And you can see i arranged all the colorful sugar packets into a rainbow like pattern to make it prettier. The fun part of going ot weddings fo people you met only once (and they dont remember meeting you, i only rememberd them cause i ws told i would be dragged to there wedding) is leavin g the church and saying "congradulations" and thinking of anything to say. the best man introduced himself and the rest after ignored me. I creeped out the bride of honor i think. Hopefully i can avoid weddings for a while.
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Friday, September 04, 2009 
Dear myspace reader.  i was thinking about colostomy bags today and rotten featured a story on one. I spent more time thinkgin about how to make a seqway into colostomy bags mroe than the actual things. I was only thinking of colostomy bags casue i was thinking about the Colonoscopy i had last year and how that could have been the worse outcome. I was thinking about the colonoscopy casue tommorow i have to have a endooscopy to check my stomach. THats were they knock you out and put a tube down your throat. Its nice cause you dont have to drink that stuff that makes you shit your brains out the night before like a colonscopy. (Ill say this one more time, when you start to think you need to use the baby wipes, its already too late). PErhaps i ll do a blog to make it more comforatable in case you haveto do it like i did for my colonoscopy prep were i put updates in a rotten thread as much as possible. anywhoo....

There Will Be No Snacking In This Court
Cincinnati Enquirer | Submitted by: cyran0
"Orr made a spectacle of taking his colostomy bag, worn on the outside of his body to collect his waste, and placing it on the table. He then squeezed it and looked to be eating it... It appeared he was eating his own [feces] at the table,"... Prem admitted he almost vomited up while watching Orr's antics but suspects they were done with a purpose. "He's a con man. He has over 50 aliases and has convictions in Ohio and New York for thefts and robberies."

click here for story

From: sirbutlust [mike duff]
Date: 3-Sep-2009 17:09

I was ironically thinking about colostomy bags today at work. nice to see a great article on it. i was thinking about all the advantages and disadvaantages of having a colostomy bag. i quickly skimmed a wikipedia article to learn more about them. heres some pro and cons.

Pro: easy access to a ready made weapon that will fend off any attacker (unless you havent pooped yet).

Pro: If you get jailed with a colostomy bag, the guy raping you from behind will have to be very gentle or risk popping it in the throughs of passion.

Con: They put a metal hanging plate on your side to hold the bag. this may cause delays in metal detector security lines. However once led through after an embarressing explanation or the prefered grabbing feces and threating the guard with it,(see Pro #1) you can brag you brought a weapon into a secure airport.

Con: you cant sleep on your side unless you have an extend-a-tube that goes from your side ot a bag out of the way on the floor. However that tube can kink so it better be sturdy or you might pop if you poop in the night.

Pro: You can have two connecting colostomy bags, (much like a dual fuel tank in a van for long trips) and mount them on your chest. This will either make you real muscaular and chesty looking or look like you have boobs (that get bigger as the night goes on). Unfortuanly due to gravity, you may have to walk on your hands upside down for fecal matter to not stay lodged in tubes below mounting plate on side.

Pro/con: some colostomy bags have a vent for gas. gas that is released from a poop sac is much worse than regular gas. impressive for guys, gross for girls.

Con:IF you find gas embarressing, you might opt to go everywhere with a dog to blame it on. From the signs ive read on stores, they only allow seeing eye dogs in banks and such. THus you would have to pretend to be blind. If youre a real moron who is faking blindness the hard way (eye patches), you may find you wlak into objects, some sharp that pop your colostomy bag all over your expensive seeing eye dog.


Con" colostomy bags make your underwear straps wear out real quick. also you cant be cool and wear your pants down to your ankles.

COn: It floats when you go swimming.

Con: some guys feel real insecure with a colostomy bag and push it towards there crotch to make them look more endowed figuring whatever chic is attracted to it will come around and accept him when he tells her the truth. evne worse is it does not make him look penilly endowned, it makes his crotch look like a fat mound like those fat guys get, that makes you think too much about what it must look like down there. (i picture a flattened out penis from the top that covers the crotch area like a ginat pimple, the purple head being the white head)

Pro: You can play a real mean joke on fellow skydivers you dont like if your the first one out of the plane.

Con: the blue toilet pills, "2000 flushes" doesnt fit in the bag, niether does urinal mints.

Con: having diarehha is like filling up a glass with Coca Cola too fast and nervously going "oh god dont go over"

Pro/con: the colostomy bag tube fits nicely in any standard helium balloon filling tank (ecspecially the ones shaped like clowns in a wallmart that you fill on there mouth that has the nozzle sticking out of it) but your hopes are ruined wehn you realize helium doenst make your waste talk funny.

Pro: no one wants to tackle you in football and no one wants to get a puck past you if your a golie cause they d rather hit the bag.

Con: you can fly on a plane and tell the person with a barf bag next to you that there little barf bag is primitive.
4:41 AM 
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009 
Good news, i was playing farmville on face book and realized you automatically get a dollar for something for some reason. in any case, i had 7 and that was enough for a blue outhouse. Im real happy. it reminds me of my smurf blue car. What does bother me is the game isnt realistic. Theres no drought, no insects, none of the stuff real farmers do. I play a lot of strategy games on Club Pogo which transformed me into really thinking a lot. I think too much for farmville. The cows have three options, you can move them, harvest the milk when time is right, or pet them. Petting them only seems to make them moo. I thought it would make them produce more coins or quicker. I remember my grandfather mentioning his older brother Len (this guy was scary) was a poor dairy farmer cause his cows produced bad milk due ot his punching them. Uncle len would be 110 or so right now and anyone who lived 100 years ago tends to be a dick. Anyhow petting i thought was the oppiste of punching but it really doenst do anything.

I had a great day at work today. I worked sunday and really got ahead. Unfortuanlty everything i did was just sittng there cause the bosses worthless spoiled brat kid kenw hed be busy and didnt show up. However i didnt have him around to annoy the hell out of me. He hocks loogies and spits in my garbage can all the time. He complains, doesnt listen, has OCD and cleans non stop instead of doing something that involves profit making. He comes back from lunch sweating and all hyper for some drug related reason. Drives me insane. So without him there , i can do my crap, realize i like my job, and jsut think. i thought of farmville and how i can improve it or do something really special. I was thinking of red and yellow hay bales surrounding my whole farm or making a big innitail in the plants for my name when it hit me, crop circles. Maybe a crop circle-like penis shape. then i thought dirty words. why not just write penis in farm plots. Penis is a big word and then i thought Balls would be funnier and isnt too dirty faceboook would cancel my account for being offensive. ANyhow heres a pic of what i got.....


 

I made sure to post it in my status for everyone to see. Though im my real self on facebook, sirbutlust and his mentally ill self is starting to poke out. I put a caption that read "Mentally ill farmer mike becomes rich, thus excentric, and plows over his field to make awkward moments for Farmvilles Scenic Arial Tours using dirty word -like crop circles." im loosing valuble farm estate and feel like im Kevin Costner in feild of dreams. i really dont have any bills like he did on his farm so i can get by. "if you make a balls sign, airplanes will see it" . sounds like a good movie. Its about a stubborn old slighlty excentric farmer with tourettes, who fights for his right to have dirty words in his cornfield and people are trying to stop him.

In other news, heres a new funny song ive been hearing now and then at work on the radio.


Hopefully "embed" means it will put the youtube viedo in my blog here. This song cracks me up. Its called "the great defector" and is by Bell X1. The part where he goes sing ing fast and unaudible in the begining with "blah blah blah-a-blah i love the color of it all doo doo da dododa" or the "whiny funny part". i was like what makes this so funny then wehn i looked it up i realized they are irish. ha ha funny. i just noticed it has clapping, ha ha ha. (im listening to it as i type this).

While at the bar friday night, i told the girlfriend i found out hte name of the band with the funny "defector " song. Having no idea what i was talking about i then told her i forgot the name of the band but its named after a airforce plane or something. Fortuanly she had one of those blackberry things that i hate but was useful this one night and found out hte name of the band. I walked to the jukebox noticing Jimi hendrix was playing kinda lightly. this may mean its back ground music and when i put mine in, JImmy hendrix will stop and my song will come on. This made me nervois cause the biker looking big owner of the bar was sitting right by the juke box and i didnt want him to know i was playing that. I tiptoed not htat would really do anything and covered it like i was one of those guys almost humping the urinal to avoid people seeing there penis and played the song and did a "napoleon dynomite" run away. turns out Jiimi was requested, it was just being played light cause the two bartenders sucked.

 There was the new guy, some tall dude who avoided eye contact with anyone who needed a beer and the red haired curly jewihs looking lady who also avoided eye contact. I had to wait forever for a beer a few times. I d put my empty beer on the rail and you know what hte bitch did? She grabbed it, not looking up to see if anyone is there such as me , and threw it away, avoiding eyecontact as if she was seeing right over and through me. Im amazed when this happens, do you stupid bartenders even consider someone put that beer there and needs another, do you even look? So done with that rant, i had my littel Bell X1 song on. i  said to my girlfrend "isnt this funny" and she was like "no.".

She went to the bathroom and i was trying to hear the song thinkng how they ahve speakers in the bathrooma and they are by the jukebox so she wont miss a second of the hilarity. She was gone for a while. she was playing her own mostly non funny songs. She did play Rhinestats (sp?) "du hous" and nice heavy angry song in german. SHe remembered how i told her my roommates evil white cat comes running when he hears that song or any German in general (i call the cat little hitler). I showed how i sing the song "He is a little kitty cat, white ear black ear, nien nein nein solomon, due haus, solomon" and it goes on like that. Funny a german possible recarnation in kitty form of hitler or possibly gobbles has a jewish name like solomon. the shelter gave it to him. In a moment of irony i learned at the cat shelter they had a kitty cat with the curly sideburns, beard and little hat was named adolph.

So anyhow heres a list of non funny songs my girlfriend made me listen to. ( i borrowed her pen and took notes on a coupon, it was hard casue she would keep trying to see what i was writing)

1.That stupid Black crows band with that "she talks to angels" wuss song. THey are as bad as lenny kravitz.

2.Kings of Leon. i hear them everyday but forget what they sing. seem popular but not funny.

3.Journey - that "highway run" song. not funny.

But then seh played tool, i forget which song, it wasnt stinkfist or the intermission songs which are my favorite but it was good . I also like all of Undertow but "sober" and teh "were going to miss you" song i want for my funeral. Then while i was peeing, Bloodhound Gangs "pennslvania" came on and i remember looking down and seeing i was peeing harder cause i was so happy and started singing along in the bathroom. i think iw as pretty buzzed by then.

I shared some deep conversation about musci with my girlfriend to drown out the sound of the Black Crows when that train wreck was playing. I told her about htis song i heard a twork and i thought it was possibly "The Who",another band i hate , and the lyrics went "it might open a door, it might open a door , to your heart doot doot doot to your heart doot doot" and she knew the song but said she thinks its peter gabriel. I think shes nuts. But i did confide when i hear the song, a little voice in my head goes "it might open  a door to your fart, toot toot toot". I thought that was much better. im very deep.

I learned a lot that night about my dog from some drunk kid that showed up who was trying to pick up chics all night at the bar (unsuccessfully). he seemed real weird but was a dog trainer so he told me how to handle my beagle and why he does what he does. We were outside smoking and some jewish girls he was trying to pick up by talkin g bout dog training, started to leave, leaving one behind. I heard the one who was staying yell "Ill eat you out later" then she got nervoius and said "see you later". the dog trainer guy was good enough to point this out to her so i didnt think i was crazy and i was hearing correctly THe chic went inside to her friend and he told me that the chic who was inside was a curly haired redhead ugly jewish lesbain who was her lover and the head one. Thats odd cause the one outside was hot so it was a odd match. I walked in and realized he might be right when i saw the chic. Then the dog trainer guy came over to talk to me and my girlfrned. THe lady bartender hwo just finished counting her tips for the past hour and igonoring me walked by and whispered to me "this guy is wierd" and walked to her friend to go drink. I tlaked to the guy mroe about controlling my dog and then about thelesbians. I was saying something about lesbians real loud apparently and he said "they just heard you" and I pretended to stare at the bartender who was now drinking with a female freind hoping the jewish lesbians thought  i was talking about them instead. Then that guy asked me what he bartender said to me and i told him she said he was weird. He actually got upset over that and i was like "were all werid in our own way" but he seemed to not think so. maybe he realized he was extra weird, but probably not . he probably thought he was normal. as me and my girlfriend entered our taxi, he was smoking outside begign us to visit his house in Pennsylavania. HE gave me his address for facebook and i threw it out later.
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Saturday, August 22, 2009 
Last week on friday night, i went to the bar with my roommate to see a high school friends band play. He's the drummer and is pretty good. He won battle of the band contests all the time in high school with his band (that had that stupid constine amercian idol guy who sang for it) he also was playing cruise ships for a long time. sounds like a nice job. Unfortunatly he wasnt there and they hada replacement drummer. THey play herbie hancock type stuff and the new drummer wasnt as good. His name was Andre. My roommates freind Dave was there. she used to date him but hes one of those real good looking guys who get by on looks and not much else. Hes incredibly stupid and i fear burnt out.

I told him how odd it was that the drummers name is andre. I also told my roommate who likes blond haired guys that if she wanted to pick up Andre the 16 year old looking drummer, she could use a funny line like "can i have 'dinner with andre'". see thats the name of a crappy movie from the early 80's. i watched some of it a while back. Its two guys at dinner talking for about three hours about stuff. One of the guys is that bad guy in the movie "Princess bride" , the head kidnapper that always goes "inconcievable". I told Dave that isnt it odd that guy in the "PRincess bride" would be in two moives with the name "andre " in it (andre the giant in princess bride). what are the odds?

Dave in his finest stoner burnt out voice after asking al ot of "huhs" and "oh yeah, no wait" said "wow thats crazy but what was the name of that guy?" and i was like "the inconcievable guy on princess bride" and he was like "yeah man that was paul newman i think" and i was like "what, no ".  I then turned to my roommate and her freind who was previously inquiring about dave cause seh wondered if he was a jerk cause of how he handled dating my roommate(i explained the dumb burnt out thing) and told them what he said. We noticed now that some very attractive young girl was sitting next to dave, sitting there facing towards him waiting for him to notice. She had her head tilted up and her body lanugage was strong. She looked like one of those relieved arthritis chicks in ocmmercials, just not old. Dave never noticed.

Me and my roommate bumped into dave while hiking last yearand they started hanging out. HE was sunbathing on a rock by the lake with George, someone i know well. George is even more burnt out than dave. George may be mildly retarded or just did too much acid. George is the guy who when i was 22 kept bugging me to play darts wehn i was on a dinner date at a bar.  George was the comedy relief that day cause he was telling us how he hooked up with some chic at a bar, and went to her house that night. He tried on all her clothes and ripped one as he is stocky. we asked why he does it and he says its fun and not gay. Heres a picture of dave eating, george facing away and funny ron lingering in the back much like a Brian Peppers photoshopped picture. REmember people, pot can hurt your brain longterm.



Onto other topics , this thursday was my grandpas 93rd birthday. it may be his last as he is getting weaker from his heart. he hada pig valve put in five years ago. DOctors say he seems fine but he gets tired a lot and is real pissed off he cant work all day in his yard anymore. So me and my girlfriend show up after work and visit for cake. I got him a set of front wheels for his lawnmower. he likes lawn gifts, its his pride and joy though i now do the mowing for him. He complaineda lot about crab grass showing up. My mom and dad showed up and then my brother in law and sister.

The best part was the card my brother in law got. MY grandpa read it and it said soemthing like "your an example of heaven being on earth" or the gist of that. I looked at the oddly folded cardand thought it was like one of those Mad Magizine fold ins they do on teh back cover. I grabbed it and said "is this like a mad fold in" and noticed it was a picture of  water , kinda like a waterfall or water being drained. IT was pretty but in my sick head i saw a lot of odd things in the water patterens. IF you held the card together in the front, you clearly saw a "aquaman" a ugly man with a fish face and human body. inside the card i sawa big crab, like spongebobs boss. it also resesembled a Uterus but we kept that to ourselves. People besides me started grabbing the card and i showed them the aqua man and crab. this seemed to be bothering my brother in law cause the message of the card was being lost on my seeing crap in pictures. My mom saw the crab and then my grandma grabbed it and chimed in and goes "ohh i see what your saying, this here looks like ..." then my brother in law goes "good god, its just water" and kinda flipped out. Tons of fun.

Then i learned my mom and dad visited his brother, the dreaded Uncle Bill who l lived with in Pennsvavnia for college. Uncle bill got sick of me real quick living there. We are very alike. He even has the same beard as me (multicolored) and tend to find most peopple greedy and scummy much like me. BTW i m growing a beard. heres a sketch of it....


So it turns out Uncle Bill is obsessive compulsive just like my dad and  thinks a riot is on the horizon, and i totally agree. Uncle bill however owns a pussy willow farm and florist and has money to stock his basement with guns, bullets, canned meat, water and other fun stuff. Hes also buying motercycles a lot. My mom apparently pointed out his house has  a lot of windows and this concerned him till she suggested old west shutters you can close over the windows wit ha skinny hole to shoot out of. he liked this idea.

IF uncle bill still talked to me, hed like my idea better. He just got rid of his pool and i told my mom he should have not filled it with dirt and put a lawn over it. What he should have done is covered it but make it a underground shelter with secret tunnels to come up and shoot people. My girlfrned says i should call him and visit him and my aunt someday. He sounds liek hes more fun now than he used ot be with me.

Last week i also started a Farmville account on my facebook page. In one week i have 30 grand and a lot of stuff. this weekend is "Superberry" weekend and for ten coins you get to grow berrys that pay off 100 coins in only two hours. SO every two hours i m going on facebook and going through the tediously long harvesting, replowing the soil boxes one at a time and replaniting the superberries for more profit. My farm is a nice farm but i learned all the cool stuff you can buy that has facebook money not the coins, actually requires you to buy it on paypal which is really stupid. Im not paying forty bucks for fake money to buy a bigger house than what the regular game earned coins buy you. the outshouse that requires real money to purchase is tempting though.

Sometimes i wonder what my friends will think of me when they see me posting awards from farmville up. THe producer who i m working with on that commercial i wrote might see it and wonder if im up for more weird writing or have i lost it and becoming like other people who wile away on facebook. Speaking of which, i wrote the whole screenplay for my video and hes now editing it. i finally heard bck from him. hes real busy. ive been waiting about two weeks now to have a sit down with him and discuss everything. Kinda sucks but a busy producer is much better than one that has all the time in the world i guess.

Im ending this blog for now. i plan to write one real soon about going out last night to the bar. i have to chekc on my superberries.
5:48 PM 
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Wednesday, August 12, 2009 
To celebrate today, August 11th 2009, which is the 40th birthday of the first kitty cat (and only female) cat i lived with, becky, i thought i would write a blog.
I have nothing interesting to write about so ill do a update on my sidework, which is occasionally helping out my former coworker and now independent handyman, Rich.



Once again i found myself in a large house that me and Rich have worked at a few times. THe owner lives in Massachuchetts and this is his old house he wants to rent out. I help rich now and then wehn he does work to fix it up. One time i helped Rich put in a Sidewalk, which you should remember cause i wrote a blog about it and how stupid rich didnt set up the forms so I spent all day doing taht and not playing with concrete. Also that day while digging i found a hole that led underground and it was surrounded by foam baord for some reaosn. When questioniong it over the phone ot the owner, he said there is nothing there and just go over it. I really wanted to dig further and find a corpse. This is why i really think the guy is in the mob or was. He owns way to much and get this , he owns a concrete buisiness. Why would someone who onwns a concrete business have rich and ecxspecially me fix a sidewalk?
 
One time recently me and rich painted the inside of the garage. This time my job was to help rich move everything out of some rooms so the new people can move in. I do it for free as rich is helping me fix my bathroom with the black mold and crappy sheetrock. I wish i never punched that hole in the wall one drunken night in 2002. The perk of this job is i get to keep anythig i want.


Blistering hot out, at 7:30 at night i showed up and Rich promised it would only take an hour. RIch is always off on time. We putzed around the peoples kitchens making sure the cabinets were empty. I found stuff i would take walking around going "Mine mine mine". Dog food cans and a bag of dry dog food to donate to the shelter, a stainless steel wok, coffee filter s for my roommate, salt, kleenex, pasta, for some reason a can of black olives and a half can of ovaltine (which i never tried in my life and still wont, and it also caused rich to go "why do they call it ovaltine, shouldnt it be circleteen, wait you dont watch sienfeld" to which i replied monotonly  "i watch senifeld, im familiar with his works, very good"), golf balls, a shitload of corn on the cob holders still in package, Lava degreaser soap, a neat pen and baked beans. i wasnt allowed ot have the three rolls of bounty towels. We smoked some cigarettes suing there old dishes as an ashtray as is our fashion and went upstairs. There is no airconditioning and it was really hot.

THere was about three desks with shelfs made out of boards, boxes and a king size bed. I started taking stuff and stuffing them into my Neon. I got some neat storage shelfs that are plastic for outside, three matching garbage cans that have that foot pedal for recycling, a party tent in a rolling canvas bag, a desk lamp, a caligraphy set, a clipboard, a tv thats just like my tv but it doesnt have a little scratch that pisses you off during hockey watching, a drop light, and other small junk. I found a crap load of stuff i needed last month like an extension cord.

The heat lamps were tempting but a fire hazard and cats have fried jumping on them. I found a box with books and junk and really contemplated this big book called "making and fixing your own golf clubs" cause who wouldnt want a conversation starter like that. People would be like "hey sirbutlust you fix golf clubs and make your own golf clubs" and i d be like "no". I picked up the book and all the sudden saw it was hiding four baseballs that were shrunk wrapped and autographed. i read them out loud, "don drysdale, mickey mantle, joe dimaggio, and sandy Kofaux.". i contemplated this and then yelled "JACKPOT" to rich who was unscrewing a big metal desk for the past hour. He said the owner said thats one thing hes not letting anyone take . THat was unfortunate, those balls are worth thousands probably. Rich then went into a detailed account of his collectibles and how his "Derek Jeter" balls are really rare and so forth.

Sweating profusly and hearing thunder but no rain which i was hoping for, we were on the home stretch during hour 3 at 9:30. The king sized bed. A king sized bed mattress is big and hard to grab when they have no handles. We bent it in half somehow having to keep it bent using sheer muscle while pulling it throug a door way and down a set of 90 degree angle stairs. It was old and blue and had some sort of rust like stains and seemed really disgusting. Once i pried it from the ceiling and the stairs, it sprung at me and threw me across the room, probably launching its bed ridden germs at me as well. I never want ot talk of it agian.

Disgusting and grimey, i contemplated the Paper shredder but rich said that the guy was keeping that too. I was upset but my Neon was packed to the gills. I just wanted to leave anyway. I smelled, was soaked in sweat, felt the dingyness of the mattress on me, and could still smell the house on me. THe house had a abondoned smell combined with the smell of old people. I got in my car and drove ten miles home hoping a cop wouldnt stop me cause i looked like i robbed a house and they might not buy my story.

Not sure what im going to do with all the stuff. I threw out the bottle of vegtible oil that was half full and kinda melted. most of the food will get donated. I can smell the old people on it. I guess what i learned through all this is that though the owner said we could have anything, it still felt like robbing a house. Kudos to robbers as thats a lot of lifting , expsecially if you have to pack it in a car and not be noticed. The owner is driving down today to go over what stays and what gets chucked and hopefully he doesnt want anythign back htat i took. However word is if i did, he said he knows were to find me.

As for today, i saw my girlfriend for the first time in about a week and a half. SHe went away this weekend. We were going to use our 15 dollars Houlihans coupon tonight but she left it home and thats half an hour away so i'd rather jsut go eat and pay the extra 15 bucks. Food was good and we got home. THere was no roommate, she was at the park with the dogs, it was romantic and then seh went to the bathroom. I noticed a weird car pull up in my parking lot nd heard banging on the door. It was some desheveled lady who was wondering if i had the key for the Dog Kennell downstairs. Apparently one of the new workers told ehr i did. I explained im not affiliated with the kennel, its just my landlord. She explained that she wants her dog back cause of guilt and it was clawing the cage so bad it was bleeding when she left. I explained that they have no one down there from the afternoon till the next morning. She gave me this big speech on how shell get the cops and firedepartemnt to break in or do it with her boyfriend. I said i dont know the vets home phone number. It was fun, people are crazy. THis lady was really crazy. Her boyfreind looked like a pennsylavnia redneck so thats what kept me polite. Its nice wehn people downstairs dont want people to know they arnet there 24/7 so they say the people upstairs such as me are in charge if anything happens, just to fool the people. The stupid customeres should know better no ones there cause they post the hours. I wish my italian tempermental roommate was home cause shes scared the shit out of people hwo show up demanding there dogs be releaesed at non operating hours. So that being said, if you have a dog, and you put it in a kennell, it will most likely be like a jail sentence for it. dogs dont like it but its cheaper than hiring someone to wathc it all the time. ANd if your dog does cause a ruckess and start doing stuff like this ladies dog, they usually just give it a shot that tires it out and sedates it.


Thats the end of my uninteresting blog. happy birthday ot Becky the cat (diseased in january of 1987) a calico that i used as a pillow and had a brown marking on her head that lookied like a donkeys head. I have a picture of me resting my head on her in front of a radiator when i was three. i ll try to find it.

Oh and one more thing, i found a way to make stinkbombs that smell of the foulest rotten eggs but not using eggs. Just like the regular ones but i can offer it in a bottle as large as one of those small gatorade bottles. 10 dollars a bottle. inquire me with your said stinkbomb needs.
1:34 AM 
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