While Friday may be a welcome end to the work week for most, I have devoted myself to a project at work which shortens that work week by a day. I will be in the office tomorrow for about five hours, punching away. It's worth it though. Besides the obvious fun of having extra money in my account, I find it easier to work on Saturdays without the distractions of a full and bustling office. However, it's also left me so exhausted. It's been hard for me to stay awake till even eight and housework? Oh man just trying to get that done is a chore.

My saving grace? My dad. He's come up to take care of the basic household chores for me while I bust my booty for my job.

Oh yeah and Jordan? I am totally making a happy blog for you.

Life is WONDERFUL!!!

I've had a lot of time to think. I've had a lot of time alone. In ways this is good and bad. I've found out that I can keep a good home, clean and orderly. I can cook with what I have. I can even repair things when they break. But it seems like lately I have too much time to think. I had attempted to break out of my shell at one point but it's starting to seem cozier back inside of it. I had hoped for new experiences here where I could find things to make me happier. Sadly, I'm still taking my anti-depressants and crying at night because I may never be able to have a relationship with someone as anything more than friends. Since I've been here, I've made friends and people want to spend time with me. This was good and for a while, it kept me at a plateau.

 

So back to the little shell. Back to the world that accepts me as I am. But wait, that's changed too. People grow. Let me rephrase that. Most people grow. And the long time friends and activities you rely on grow away from you. It's bitter sweet. I'm happy for them finding things that make their life better, more complete. But the selfish side of me is screaming that they're forgetting about me. They're moving on from me and it's not fair to just leave me here. Would I do the same? I'd like to think not but since I've rarely ever been in that position, it's hard for me to say.

 

The shell is familiarity. Part of being me is realizing that new things are hard to adjust to. New things are a shock to the system. It's part of the reason why I clean so much. If things are in place, if the order is there, then something is right. I can control it. I can't control other people, their feelings, or their actions. So trusting someone, relying on someone, or even adventuring out with someone is a risk to me and it scares me. Will this new situation crush me? That question rings through my ears and sends my heart beating so fast I feel like it’s going to beat out of my chest. It's a risk that my logic runs through in statistical numbers like an insane person. Most times I don't pick up the phone or even step foot out of my apartment because the statistical equations in my head tell me that it's too risky.

 

Writing down all these thoughts makes some things better but the clarity of the black letters on the white page also shows me my sickness. It shows me how insane I really am and what I could be missing out on. It's hard to hate yourself, to look at your actions and tell yourself that you're a fool. But it's the truth. After I write this I'll probably go lay down and cry myself into a nap. I'll let sleep take me into a place where the consequences are not stacked against me because the moment I open my eyes, that world vanishes.

 

And I'm left with me.

Hello everyone!

Well things are going okay. Fifty-fifty I guess you could say. It's strange living so far away from anyone I grew up with. I've moved before but always in the Portland metro area. This is the first time I've moved out of state. So it's a little scary to not have the familiar faces around. However, it allows for me to spread my wings some and meet new peeps. *shout out to Meegs!!*

Another thing that scares me is everyone in this town is SO NICE. In the supermarket, at the gas station, even the drivers! I think there's weed in the air or something.

I've been spending a lot of time at home in the apartment for two reasons. 1, I'm TIRED. All the moving and handling things at work have me pooped. And 2, this is the first place where it's JUST me. No roommates at all. I'm so happy for that... well personally, not financially.

Romance wise? Yeah, let's not go there.

Mom's coming to see the place next week. I took the week off so that I could do some sightseeing with her and her friend.

So really, I guess it's been more 70/30 then 50/50

Well well well. I'm such a slacker. No blog for what... months? Dang. Well, first off, I moved. I now live on an island in northern Washington and for the first time, I don't have a roommate! It's scary money wise. But it's so nice. I finally have me time. It has its lonely moments but for the most part, it's just... la!

Work is going great! Every day there's tons to do and I'm a busy bee. So I feel a lot better because I feel like I'm actually needed. I have a new boss so it's a new change of pace and I like it.

I've made new friends at work which I'm really grateful for. I've never moved out of state so I've always had my core friends around. It's strange being out here and starting fresh.

Craft wise, I haven't taken the time to cast a spell lately. Thinking of doing that this weekend. I've had some matters of the heart that I need to deal with. I met some Wiccans at work so I don't feel alone there.

All in all, very thankful right now. Just need to keep my feet on the ground.

Well it's done. Carpul tunnel surgery is complete on my right hand. I can take the brace off Tuesday. Why am I typing then? VICODIN!!! YAY!!

I have to post this because she's going to kill me. There is someone in my top friends... WHO HAS KILLER GAS!

Totally. I mean, she has to like, run away from you when it's going to blow because if anyone lights a match, it could mean death.

But you know I love you! (This is what you get for calling me Palin. :)

Yes, I'm still sick so maybe that's why this is going to sound harsh. My opinions are right on the edge of my tongue and I feel the need to spout a few. I will stop from using anyone's names. So, if you think I'm talking about you, check your guilt at the door, pray to your higher power or learn that everything isn't about you.

1. Quit with the backstabbing. Seriously. You know I tell you to your face. Grow a pair and tell me to mine.

2. Stop the kindergarten bullshit. "Wah, I'm not getting the attention! Wah, why does she get to do that! Wah, tell me I'm doing something special!" Have some self-confidence. Do I worry about some things? Yes. But I know who I am. I know what I want to do, and I understand I have obsticals to get over before I reach my goals. But I'm not whining on everyone's shoulder. (FYI, this rant isn't about just one person here.)

3. You are not as fat as you think. For FUCK'S SAKE! If I hear one more person talking about needing to lose "5 more pounds" and counting the calories in celery... I'm going to shoot someone. Try to make smart choices, move and be active and be happy with yourself.

4. Relax. Chill. Cool down. Just fucking stop stressing! (This advise is going to myself as well). Things are not as bad as you think. They never will be. If you simply smile, say "At least I'm not removing gerbals" and laugh, you'll get through it.

So that's it. That's what I have to say. That's what's been bugging me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get some rest and kick the rest of this cold.

Hello everyone. Here I am. Been a while since I blogged. Guess I've been avoiding everyone. Missed a good friend's wedding, alienated a few others... Yeah I've been a bit of a bitch. I want to first and foremost apologize to anyone that has felt my friendship has been lacking.

I'm still working on developing a coven. I have been working on a Book of Shadows (BOS) in scrapbook form. I did have it written in a notebook but I feel like adorning it makes it feel a bit more like a piece of myself rather than useless words. It's lightening my mood to see it take shape. It's something that I hope to pass down someday if I have kids.

On that note, still single! At this point, I'll take a guy who has a job and a place to live. After that, not even caring if he has a peanut dick.

Okay, who are we kidding, I care.

So that's my update folks! Have a great day!

As all of you know, I'm a nature girl. It's part of my faith and the more time I can spend camping, the better. I also try to portray this at home, building a beautiful patio area with my dad where we can entertain company outside.

I've put a few of the pictures up of the fountain and I'm thoroughly impressed with the flowering decor we've added. We moved the bench to the patio and put up a retractable umbrella for shade. For cooler nights, we've put in the fire pit so sit and chat it up all night long.

While yes, it's a great investment and it looks amazing, I gained something else as well. Time with my dad.

He's getting older and I know that sometime he won't be around anymore. For those of you who know him, my dad is a very simple man. He takes pleasure in walking by the river, listening to music or doing crosswords. When you ask him what he'd like for dinner, his reply is "I don't care. Whatever you'd like." He's one of the most selfless individuals I know, giving up his time to help anyone who truly needs guidance. He's the one who taught me about nature and compassion and standing up for what's right.

So now, with our landscaping projects, I've gotten something more than a beautiful home. I've gotten time with the man I most respect. My dad.

Yeah don't be a perv. I love to roleplay. Not in the sex way. I recently started getting my interest back up again. Since I'm on my meds steady now (ha) I've decided to get back to the things I like doing. What is that? It's the story. Not just writing pen to paper. With RPG, my friends and I get to improve a story, feel the reactions, hold on to the mystery of what happens next. There's no skipping to the back of the book with RPG. You have to feel the suspense, live it out and have some good times along the way.

With that... if anyone wants to RPG, TELL ME!!