This will be my very last post on MySpace. From now on I'm exclusively posting at The Juicy Cerebellum. And to celebrate that fact, I've written my ass off adding 3 brand new updates and 9 new movie reviews!

These are brand new. Never before read. Not recycled bullshit.

Click to read them.

And there's a brand new format, as well. You can now POST comments there and be a part of The Juicy Cerebellum. So please post there rather than here, as I am trying to get away from MySpace completely.

Any posts at MySpace will be ignored from now on, but I will respond to posts at The Juicy Cerebellum. So, once there, comment on any or all updates and let me know what you think. See you there and, until then ... STAY JUICY!

Testing Myself
Written by: Alex Sandell

About every 3 or 4 years I go into a panic state and start worrying that age has turned me Conservative. Am I still the tree-hugging, bleeding heart that I was in high school? Or has a higher income and hatred of kids "texting" each other in the movie theater while I'm trying to enjoy a watered-down PG-13 film made for said kids turned me into a curmudgeonly Republican turd? So, I tap some nifty keywords such as, "Political Survey" or "What's My Politics" into Google and take whatever random test is thrown my way. This morning was the first time I've done this since 2003. If these results (yes, I answered every question honestly) are any indication, I can breathe a sigh of relief and take it easy for the next half decade. Because that's what us "Liberals" do, right? Take it easy, while living off the taxes of wealthy Republicans and their trust-fund babies?

Man, if I weren't so lazy, I think I'd celebrate my trouble-free life by stepping outside and hugging a tree. Instead, I think I'll give my mailman a call and remind him to slide the welfare check under the door next time, so I don't have to put out my joint, pull on my underwear and walk the ten feet to my mailbox to pick it up myself. Jeesh ... he never learns. Click for the rest>>>

Oh, and gee-golly, unlike the Repugs, I'm starting to take the hint and beginning to learn. My last update (the nerdy one about the Star Wars' games) received 14 emails from my page THE JUICY CEREBELLUM. At MySpace? I received 0 comments.

Usually DarkmanPoe and whatever that friend of Poe's with the super nice boobs is calling herself are staples. They comment and they Kudo. But even they shunned it (maybe neither are gamers). And I found myself feeling saddened when I read "0 comments." But I had received 14 "comments" in the form of traditional email.

So it isn't me, it's MySpace. Why would I waste my fucking time posting every single update I post on THE JUICY CEREBELLUM here, at this Murdoch owned Republican center of Hell?

Really. Can anyone provide a reason?

So my new update is up. It's my first fully political and completely funny update in half a year. But it won't be posted here. And no full update will ever be posted here again. Sure, I'll post trivial shit about my trivial life, just like the rest of you, but I pay a LOT of cash to maintain THE JUICY CEREBELLUM and the last thing I'm going to continue to do is provide all my material for anyone to read here on Rupert's Space.

Later. Enjoy the update, unless you don't have the 22 seconds it takes to click this link and leave the confines of the corporate space pretending to be a "space" of your own.

And if you want to comment, why not do it the old-fashionied way? The way it was done way back in 2004? Shoot me an email. I'll most likely respond. I usually do. And your email and my response aren't filtered through the right-wing corporate whoremongers that run my space and your space at MySpace.

Three Decades of Geeking Out
Reluctantly Written by: Alex Sandell

30 years of Star Wars. This is really weird to me, as I've been there every step of the way. But the movies were far from the only thing provided to fans of the saga. In a way, video games have grown to be nearly as important as the films. And, like me, they've been there every step of the way. Unlike me, they've been raking in ridiculous amounts of cash with every step.

Being a huge nerd – esp. when it comes to anything and everything Star Wars' related (click for further evidence and to see me, as a grown man, playing with overpriced Star Wars' toys) – I've decided to totally geek out and provide a brief review, along with some screen shots, of each SW game that I've played -- and I've played almost every single one of them:

Star Wars (arcade)

This one was at the arcade and, if I remember correctly, it was one of the first to demand TWO quarters, rather than one (the excuse being it was a sit-down game that "simulated" being a "real" X-Wing. It was also my favorite game of all time, at the time. That didn't last long. But I still have fond memories of the game. Not so fond memories of the wad of gum I sat in while playing in that sleazy dank "X-Wing." At least I hope it was gum.

Return of the Jedi (arcade)

Again at the arcade, but it was horrible. This one definitely cost two quarters (or tokens). And again you sat in a porn-booth approximation of a "spaceship." I don't remember much of the game (outside of flying under some beams), but I hated it. It was everything the original wasn't. And that's not a good thing. I think you may have even visited the Ewok Village, but I've been working for a quarter of a century to erase that terrible memory, so I'm not about to pull it back up now. I never played the Empire Strikes Back arcade game, unfortunately.

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (Atari 2600)

One of my favorite games ever. It was so simplistic it was nearly mentally-retarded (or at least Republican), but it was a ton-o'-fun. The kind of italicized CAPITALIZED fun Nintendo is trying to bring back with the Wii. Basically, you just shot at the white blinking square on each AT-AT to win, but man was it a blast and a half. At least back in the early 80s when the 2600 was still fairly cutting edge (unlike the Wii) and I was still young enough to have crazy fun without criticizing every single thing that made the game lesser than the Popeye port, or whatever.

Jedi Arena (Atari 2600)

Even as a kid, I hated this fucking thing with a passion. It was you fighting against a ball. Not even you. Just a "saber." Gawd, I despised this title. My first time being seriously disappointed with a video game. This is also the first game I remember really saddening someone over. My father bought my brother and I Jedi Arena and seemed really heartbroken when neither of us enjoyed it. "You're playing Combat, again?!?" he'd ask. "We should give that new Star Wars' game I got ya a try," he'd say. "But it isn't fun, dad," my brother and I would respond. And he'd look like someone just kicked him in the nuts. Sorry, dad.

Super Star Wars/Super Empire Strikes Back (SNES)

These games were absolutely incredible to me. And even though I was only a teenager, I was already feeling nostalgic for bygone days and these games brought me back to my childhood. These were, at the time, my favorite Star Wars' games and I can't wait for them to appear on the Virtual Console (please make it so, Nintendo). Super Star Wars was fairly easy for me to get through. But I remember Super Empire Strikes Back being a bitch. There was this underground Tauntaun level that frustrated me to the point of nearly throwing my controller through the television.

Super Return of the Jedi (SNES)

This one really turned me off to the series. I disliked it from the lame "Jabba's Palace" level (seen above) on. I'm not sure I even completed the game. Needless to say, I won't be downloading this one on the Wii Virtual Console, if it's made available. Unless it's made available at a discounted "suck" price. I thought Super Empire was better than Super Star Wars, but felt that this one was rushed (much like the film it was based on).

The Star Wars' Flight Sim Thingies (X-Wing, Tie Fighter, etc.) PC

I never liked these. Sorry. I know they were critically acclaimed. They just weren't for me. I borrowed X-Wing and Tie Fighter from a friend and couldn't get comfortable with them (esp. the complex control setup). When I tried to give them back to him, he said, "Keep them." I don't know if this was because he didn't like them either, or if he was just feeling charitable and hoping for some man on man sex. If the latter's the case, I left him hoping.

Dark Forces PC

12 years after its release and this remains my favorite Star Wars' game. I didn't really get the appeal of FPS games until I played this one. Every single minute was a thrill to me and I ended up playing through the title 3 times. I can clearly remember the dude at Best Buy telling me that it was "well-worth" the purchase and that my Packard Bell computer could "easily" handle it ("'Bells' are the most powerful PCs around," he exclaimed). He was correct in that my "Bell" could handle the game. He was inflating the power of a Packard Bell though -- by a lot. Those computers were the worst things ever created. My farts are more reliable. When I expressed how much I hated FPS games (this has since changed -- thanks in large part to Dark Forces), he said I need not worry. "Dark Forces puts you in the Star Wars' universe like nothing before! You'll feel like you're there." In a way, he was right. As pixilated as it looks now; it was a stunner in 1995 and I doubt I'll ever be quite as excited over a video game as I was over this one, ever again.

Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II PC

Two years later and so much for the power of "Packard". While the first Dark Forces played in glorious full-screen, this one -- on the same computer -- would only play in a small square (about 1/4th screen). I Still loved it. Just not as much as the first. The graphics were significantly better, but the game itself wasn't as fun as the original. I only beat it once and politely set it aside. Then I went out and bought a new PC. One that didn't suck.

Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast PC

This is one of those fucked up title switch things that has driven me nuts since First Blood turned into Rambo: First Blood Part II, only to have the junky pro-Taliban sequel be called Rambo III. If First Blood was the original and Rambo: First Blood Part II the sequel to First Blood, how could the sequel to First Blood II be Rambo III, when there had only been 1 Rambo film, but 2 films named First Blood? But, LucasArts didn't care about proper titles. They were suddenly making a sequel to Jedi Knight: Dark Forces II, but labeling it Jedi Knight II, even though it was technically the third in the Dark Forces' series.

Again, the graphics were noticeably better (after a 5 year wait, that was to be expected). The game looked fucking amazing. It played okay. While many were just discovering the greatness of this series, the appeal was starting to wear thin for me. I liked it, but was getting tired of an FPS Star Wars' universe. That said, you could do much, much worse than Jedi Outcast. And who doesn't like wielding a lightsaber (unless it's on the Atari 2600)?

Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire (Nintendo 64 N64)

Almost everyone hated this game, for some reason. I liked it quite a bit. No, it wasn't as good as the first two Dark Forces' titles, but I had a lot of fun playing it and ended up playing through it twice. The AT-AT battle on Hoth really stood out to me as pure brilliance and showed the true power of the N64. This was the Hoth Battle I had been waiting for since shooting blinking squares on the Atari 2600's noble attempt at the game. Had this game been released in the early 80s, it may have given me my very first orgasm. That would have been weird, as I hadn't gone through puberty yet. So it's probably good that it waited to come out when it did.

Star Wars Episode 1: Racer (PC)

Based on the CG Podrace in The Phantom Menace -- this should have and could have been the best racing game ever. It wasn't. Not even close. It was fun, but way too easy. I beat it and never played it again and never wanted to play it again ever again. I think it took longer to watch the race in the movie than it did to beat the race in the game.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (PC)

This was sort of along the lines of Gauntlet, with lightsabers. Basically a big hack-and-slash with a few insultingly easy puzzles to solve. I wasn't a big fan of the game and don't think I ever completed the entire thing. But, I'm ashamed to admit, I was so determined to like anything Star Wars, that I pretended it was a really good game. Just a really good game that I happened to never really want to play and had no desire to finish. No one fell for it and the game was sold for a quarter at one garage sale or another long before Attack of the Clones was released at the theater.

Bounty Hunter (Nintendo GameCube)

This was released when Jango Fett was all the rage (like Darth Maul before him). I played it for about 3 hours and "loaned" it to a friend who never gave it back. From what I played, it seemed semi-okay. Okay enough that I still wish I'd get it back so I could finish the fucking thing. I think he's holding it hostage until he gets his X-Wing and Tie Fighter PC games back. But he vehemently denies this. He claims the game somehow made its way to his cousin and was never returned. Seeing as how I had the "collectible" case, I should probably sue him, but that may put a damper on our friendship. Stupid friendships. Not to mention a lawsuit over a game valued at .79 cents probably wouldn't go over well in a court of law. Stupid courts of law.

Obi-Wan (XBOX)

This one was total suck. I was sure it meant that LucasArts hated Microsoft. This Xbox exclusive should have remained buried deeper than Al Capone's rotting bones. I asked myself, "Does LucasArts want to destroy Microsoft"? The definitive, resounding answer of "no" came to me with the release of ...

Knights of the Old Republic (XBOX)

Pure classic. I could give you an estimate as to how many hours I've spent playing this game, but then I'd have to kill you. Needless to say, this game consumed me like nothing in the Star Wars' universe has outside of the Original Trilogy. Even that stupid card game won me over. It's hard to claim you're a fan of Star Wars if you haven't put some serious time into Knights of the Old Republic. This title made up for Obi-Wan times infinity.

Knights of the Old Republic 2 (XBOX)

I can't remember the subtitle of the game, but I do remember not liking it that much. Some great moments, but a huge letdown when compared to the original. Still better than Obi-Wan. Stupid Obi-Wan and its general level of crappiness.

Republic Commando (XBOX)

Another one that's loved by many but only semi-enjoyed by myself. It was okay and had its moments, but I wasn't a huge fan. I played through it once and then sold it on eBay. I don't really miss it, but would like to see a sequel. The visor was such a rip-off of the Metroid Prime games, it ended up turning me off. In the sequel, it would be like a non-stop ejaculation if, instead of Clone troopers, we could play as Stormtroopers.

Battlefront (XBOX)

This was another one I didn't "get." It was mildly okay, but I don't think I involved myself enough to fully give a shit. I never went online with the game and only played multiplayer once with my bitchy brother (who hates every game ever made). I probably shouldn't be passing judgment on this game, one way or the other, so I won't.

Rogue Squadron II: Rogue Leader (Nintendo GameCube)

I never played the first game in the series, but thought the second was an instant classic and, if no other titles were ever released, it would have made my launch day purchase of the GameCube worth the 7 hour wait (unfortunately, I can't make the same claim for a single game I've bought or rented for the Nintendo Wii). I spent so many hours playing this, it's pathetic (really). Factor 5 upped the anti on graphics so far it would take a good 2 or 3 years for the more powerful Xbox to catch up. And the PS2 never even came close. To this day, this game looks incredible and, to this day, no game takes you closer to the infamous dogfights shown in the Star Wars' movies.

Rogue Squadron III: Rebel Strike (Nintendo GameCube)

Factor 5 pushed the graphics even further, proving the GameCube -- while not quite as powerful on a technical level -- could beat the PS2 or Xbox in the graphics department. Ironically enough, it's also still beating the Wii, which should shame Nintendo to the point of console suicide -- but apparently they're happy selling their ugly non-widescreen mini-games to non-gamers and not able to predict what's going to happen when non-gamers go back to non-gaming and leave the Wii in the dust. I still liked this one, but the land levels made me sick. They were crap. Overall, the game was decent and worth the price of admission. I just hope Factor 5's  LAIR for the PS3 is more Rogue Squadron II and less Rogue Squadron III. The land levels in Lair have me worried.

Lego Star Wars/Lego Star Wars II (Nintendo GameCube/PS2/PS3/Wii/Xbox/Xbox 360/PSP/DS)

I never thought I'd stick both my corporate hating thumbs up in the air in favor of a GIGANTIC product placement, but both Lego Star Wars games are pure class. The only thing working against them is the ease of completing each game (7 hours, tops). But the replay value is huge and these games somehow embody Star Wars in a way that no game has since the original Dark Forces. The two games are going to be released as one title on the Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii. The PS3 and 360 will have online co-op play. Unfortunately the Wii will not. Come on, Nintendo! We paid the next-gen price of $250 for your last-gen console with the funky controller. The least you could do is push the thing into the 21st Century (imagine how cool it would be if you could play with your Miis in the Star Wars' Universe).

And there you have it. I haven't played every Star Wars' game ever released, but I've played more than the average bear. Not that I'm ashamed. Why should I be? It's Star Wars! The Force is strong with my agile geek fingers.

Do bears play video games?

LOST Solved
By: Alex Sandell

The fact that 2 of these 13 primary cast members have been
killed off in season 3 alone, shows that LOST isn't your
"typical" program. And for that, TV fans should all be grateful.

Last night's season finale (Through the Looking Glass) left a lot of questions unanswered and opened up more cans of worms than a bait shop on Mother's Day. And I think I've solved nearly all of them. Impossible, you say? Hear me out. Even if I haven't solved everything, I've come close enough to make the people behind the show sweat. Of course this is filled with spoilers, so if you haven't kept up with the show, I'd stop reading now.

"Jack to the Future"

Remember Jack (the Jack in the future, who had gotten off the island) told the new head surgeon that he could fire Jack if Jack's dad wasn't drunker than Jack was? Well, on the show it's already been established that Jack's dad died. So how could this be the future and the dad is still alive?

It is the future, but not the one Jack belongs to. This can be explained by string theory. Being that ABC probably isn't going to keep a show on the air that turns into Nova and explains complex theories to its audience, it will more than likely be "String Theory for Dummies," but the string theory will be used as a springboard to jump off of.

As Jack and Kate are not meant to be there, they have secrets to keep. Jack says, toward the end of the episode, that he's tired of lying. So what did they lie about? How did they pull this sleight of hand? How will the show reveal this to us in the next three seasons? Read on ...

"Flashbacks are so 2006!"

And that's why LOST will be divided into two halves. Seasons 1-3 were filled with flashbacks explain where the various characters came from. Seasons 4-6 will feature "flash-forwards," explaining where the characters are going.

Hints were already dropped. Who was in the casket? It could have been Ben, as Jack said he wasn't a friend or a relative. But didn't that seem like an awfully small coffin? Nearly child sized. Could it be Claire's baby inside? And could that explain how far in the future the "flash-forward" actually was (8-10 years)? Technically, Jack isn't a friend or a relative in that situation, either.

If Kate's back, how could she be free? She did say to Jack something along the lines of, "He'll be wondering where I am". Was she referring to the agent who took her in and died on the island? In this reality, is he still alive? Was Kate put on some sort of parole, rather than sentenced to jail due to her ordeal? Or hadn't Kate killed her stepfather yet in this reality and the Kate who killed her stepfather isn't in trouble at all, because, as it stands, the event never happened (one of the "lies" Jack's referring to)?

Am I losing you yet?

"Where's Walter?"

Last we saw Walt, he was sailing off the island with his dad. Now he's back and telling Locke to get up and get himself out of that pile of rotted corpses. Huh? Maybe Walt and dad found out that they couldn't leave. Or that they shouldn't. Has Walt become a part of Jacob? Who/what the fuck is Jacob? I think he's the secondhand smoke monster, myself.

Locke, along with Ben, tried warning Jack that making the call was the wrong thing to do. That it isn't what he was meant to do. I think both of them were trying to stop him from completely fucking with the other dimensions around him. Maybe they knew/know that the island is stuck somewhere between times and places and that death would (or should) come to them all if they ever left or were discovered. Or maybe they know the show is filmed in Hawaii and the island has turned into a tourist trap.

I know you're asking, "But if they're in an alternate dimension, how did they leave and pick up Juliet?" Well, the others were pretty damn secretive about the whole thing and they did drug her to get her to the island. Could they have found a way to transport between dimensions in their funky submarine? Maybe they needed Juliet because there was no one else left on the island to save them. If the Beatles were still together and half of the band hadn't already died, they could write the theme song for this inquiry.

"Further Evidence"

- Jack faking dad's signature on the refill order is further proof the father in that time is alive, as no matter how messed up Jack was he would know that the pharmacy who knows him as a doctor would also know his father and would immediately know the father was dead. Knowing that, it's doubtful they'd try to phone him (as they did in the episode). Trust me, pharmacies keep up with things such as a doctor dying. And Jack would be well aware of this, as well.

- The show's title, Through the Looking Glass is clearly taken from the second Alice in Wonderland book, Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There.  That book dealt with the world in opposite, time running in reverse, etc. While I wouldn't heartily recommend the book, I would suggest checking it out if you need further indicators as to where the program is headed (The Dark Tower series is a better read and explores similar themes).

- Hurley and Libby in the psyche unit. People (including me) kept asking how that happened and they didn't remember it happening. That's now been answered. It hadn't happened. It is still to come. That also means Hurley makes it off the island. Either that, or the flashback was to an alternate past that Hurley had never lived (doubtful).

"What makes you think you know everything?"

Of course this is all theory and speculation, but the show is following a trajectory similar to The Dark Tower series, written by Stephen King. The series of books has been named by the shows creators as an influence on the show. If it keeps following that trajectory, this is going to be an alternate timeline/dimension and Jack with "dead dad" is meant to be in one version of time and Jack with "alive dad" is meant to be in another (or not meant to be alive at all).

"Of course they could pull a fast one"

LOST writers are notorious for the stunts they pull and the rugs they yank out from right under our feet. So Naomi could very much be a bad guy and the Losties and the Others could team up to fight a common enemy, leading the rescue 'copter to crash, making everything that happened at the end of Through the Looking Glass irrelevant -- turning it into a, "What if?" type thing. But somehow I doubt it. See above for what I really believe.

Anyway, it was an excellent season finale and through 3 seasons LOST has managed to be the best fiction on television. Hopefully they can keep this up for 3 more years. If they don't, they'll have the wrath of a lot of very devoted fans to deal with.

What do you think? Email your theories now.

©2007 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum Inc. [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without my permission and my fake lawyers will make sure you're as LOST as Jimmy Hoffa.

Thanks for the Memories: Star Wars Turns 30
Written by: Alex Sandell

30 years later and George
still has me playing with toys.

This May many around the galaxy are celebrating the 30th Anniversary of the original Star Wars.  I am one of them. 

I'm old enough to have watched all 3 Star Wars' films during their initial theatrical runs in '77, '80 and '83 and clearly remember spending the 3 years in-between Episodes IV and V and Episodes V and VI hanging out with friends at the park, riding bike, drinking Capri Sun from those strange silver pouch things and having a great time talking about what was to come next in this wonderful saga George Lucas had created. These discussions -- many of which I still remember almost word for word -- are some of my most treasured childhood memories.

It's hard to believe that those days began 30 years ago and ended only 6 years later. It's hard to believe that there was a gap of 22 years between the sequels and the prequels and hard to imagine how these 3 films, prior to the prequels, managed to stay as vibrant, fun and relevant each year as they were the year that they were released. The memories grew more nostalgic with each passing year -- my friends and I grew up and started hanging out at the clubs, driving cars and drinking way too much beer -- but the movies never seemed to age and our love for the films remained as strong as it was in the summer of '77, or '80, or '83.

Now even the prequels have come and gone and the movies still maintain all their luster and charm. 30 years later and those friends I rode bike with in the park are now married, starting families and debating entering rehab for the sake of their children, but we're still having a great time discussing that wonderful saga that George Lucas created. Sure, the conversation has changed some -- will we show it to our kids in order from episode 1 - 6, or show them in the order that they were released? Will destroying the surprise that Vader is Luke's father wreck it for the next generation, or will knowing only make the original that much more powerful? The debate has changed, but the films remain the same (not counting the tweaks made for the Special Editions).

What other series has ever done that? Is this a one-time phenomenon? People have been claiming that this movie or that movie is the next "Star Wars" before the original trilogy was even complete -- but those movies have all been forgotten. What is this allure that Star Wars has over 2 generations and quite possibly a third (if my generation, as parents, has anything to say about it)? What has kept it so beloved over the course of three decades? If those questions could be answered, they wouldn't ever be asked.

Mock him, criticize him, tear him to shreds in a moment of weakness (Greedo didn't shoot first, goddamnit!), but George Lucas created something unique that will stay with us forever. Something powerful enough to withstand the test of time. George Lucas, love him or hate him, created something magic.  George Lucas created something kids will have a great time discussing on playgrounds for many decades to come. Hopefully drinking something other than Capri Sun. Seriously -- I hate that shit.

Feed me with Feedback! Email now.

©2007 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum Inc. [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without my permission and the Force is so not with you. Seriously, if you copy this without asking, you're lamer than Shrek 3. You're Matrix Reloaded level lame -- and that's fucking lame, dude! Oh, and I'll sue you.

Jerry Falwell
1933 - 2007

So shut the hell up and go the fuck away! I don't care if you made money off of "granny porn," "hydroponic cucumbers" or "used dildos." So quit spamming my MySpace page with your garbage!

While I'm ranting, I also don't give a damn how you got an iPod for free. I don't care about the new miracle weight cure "everyone's" talking about. At this point, the only thing your spamming ass could say that I'd care about is that you're planning on killing yourself and have heard you'll spend an eternity in Hell.

'Nuff said.

NOTE: Don't expect this to make much sense if you don't already know about the stupid new Microsoft barcode thingies. I was just being lazy and cutting and pasting from a video game site where I posted this in context. Out of context it doesn't make much sense, but I'm leaving it up here because Bill Gates is one serious cocksucker.

ANOTHER NOTE: To avoid any confusion the last note may have caused, I wanted to say that it is MY writing from the video game site. I didn't cut and paste somebody else's stuff. I wouldn't do that in the first place, and if I did I'd cut and paste something better.

END OF NOTES

A bunch of religious type individuals (are religious people really "individuals"?) once said the barcode was the number of the beast (actually, they're still saying that). That would make the new family-friendly barcode Bill created for his pathetic Xbox 360 video games what? The color-coated, candy-flavored number of the Bill Gates' Cavity-Creepy Beast?

Is Billy Gates Jr. (you didn't think he came into all that cash by himself, did you?) really the Devil, as some of the more fanatic folk have pondered in numerous articles full-up with conspiracy theories? Way to go, Bill. Send us all to Hell with pretty Pinatas! I knew the road to Hell would be paved with milk chocolate goodness! Chocolate goodness and a cackling Bill Gates. Stupid Hell.

Bill Gates wears glasses. Probably because he's a gay-bob. And Lucifer.

For over a decade now I've wanted to see Doc Severinsen perform live. I've wanted to see Doc for so long, I was sure he'd be dead before I had the chance to see him on stage. For those of you too young or too forgetful to remember, Doc led Johnny Carson's band on The Tonight Show (the good Tonight Show, before Leno quit his job shilling Dorito's brand corn chips to take over). He was the dude in the wacky colored outfits that provided Johnny with a quick quip on a nightly basis. Basically, he dressed like Prince before dressing like Prince was cool (was dressing like Prince ever cool?). And he played a mean trumpet.

Really.

The word "mean" is usually reserved for bad ass guitarists, drummers and wife-beaters. But Severinsen proved that a trumpet could be mean. And by "mean" I mean "bad ass." Bad ass before Prince was bad ass (was Prince ever bad ass?). Regardless, if Johnny was the consummate showman, Ed (McMahon) the consummate kiss ass (IE - Sidekick), Doc was the consummate glue that held the whole thing together. The guy was always on and he was second only to Johnny in making The Tonight Show the defining show that it was. The show all other shows have strived to be ever since. Doc was such a big part, that without him, it's hard to imagine that defining show showing up nightly for 30 years.

So, knowing what an entertainment landmark the guy was (I hold back at "living legend"), I would ask friends and family, "Wanna go see Doc Severinsen? He's playing a Christmas show at Orchestra Hall in Minneapolis!" They'd be all like, "You want to see the doctor about what in a hall where?" Really, it was all sort of frustrating. Then, last month, I find out the guy's retiring. Throwing in the towel. Tooting his last horn (pun intended). And I was desperate. I was offering to buy people's tickets. My aunt took the bait and she would even buy her own ticket.

Off we went. She didn't expect much. I expected magic. We got to Orchestra Hall, found our seats (row 23 on the main floor) and were handed our programs. When I saw the cover, I nearly orgasmed. Nearly orgasmed like some hot chick at a Prince show (do hot chicks orgasm at Prince shows?). Here's what I saw:

Not worthy of an orgasm? Hon, it's about the music, not the man. Plus, he's still looking mighty fine for an 80-year-old. Not that I'm gay. Did the use of the word "hon" make me sound all queer? It probably didn't help that I went all crushy on a senior citizen. I'm not homosexual. Really. You can ask all the guys I haven't had sex with.

So the orchestra started tuning their instruments. My aunt commented on how she loved that sound. I agreed, although I didn't know why, since the sound really is nothing more than people tuning their instruments. Like farts before a poop, without the bad odor. One time my brother said, "Why don't you go take a shit?" when I was farting a whole bunch. I asked, "Why?" and he said, "I fart a whole bunch when I have to take a shit." So I sat on a toilet and my butt pushed out a crap.

Yippee for my brother!!!

Once the tuning was done the show began. At first the orchestra played some classical stuff. But it was a tease (I'd say a "dick tease," but y'all already think that I'm gay). The traditional classical music cranked into the infamous theme song from The Tonight Show. Spotlights colored the stage. Doc stepped into one of the spotlights wearing sequined clothing, nearly as shiny as the spotlights themselves. The audience stood and applauded. Most of them were dressed in clothing worth more than I make in a year. Me and my aunt appeared to be the only people in the hall with a take-home income of less than $200,000.

That's why I can say "me and my aunt." Most of the crowd would probably talk all elite-y and type stuff like, "My Aunt and I." The bastards and their proper grammar. And where do they get off capitalizing Aunt? Is their aunt better than mine?

So Severinsen walked on stage in clothing that lit up the place. Johnny woulda had a field day commenting on what he was wearing. I even came up with my own Johnny line. Wanna hear it? Okay -- here it is (read it in Carson's voice): "Gee Doc, you look like a peacock caught in a diamond mine explosion."

Pathetic? My aunt thought it was funny, even asking me if Carson actually used the line. When I said I thought of it myself, she said, "Good one." We both chuckled like nerds.

Nerds chuckle a lot. Probably to forget that they're nerds.

Doc wasted no time kicking into some rocking number or another. Then he talked of Johnny speaking to him from the dead, claimed he was drinking Ed McMahon's bath water (massive guffaws emitted from the captive audience -- I may have even "guffawed" myself) and talked about the love he had for his wife, Emily. He then went into Johnny Mandel's Emily. It was absolutely beautiful and the guy beside me teared up.

Really.

It was the guy beside me.

What are you trying to say?

Severinsen wasted no time moving into my favorite part of the program, which was big band music. Some chick sang some awesome songs and then ................. the greatest thing ever happened! The drummer from the original Johnny Carson band went into the hottest, heaviest version of Sing, Sing, Sing ever performed before a live audience. The crowd went as wild as a crowd with an average income of $436,343 can go. I wanted to slamdance, but decided that probably wouldn't go over.

Although I did see some rich people banging their heads. The only other time you're going to see that, is if you're watching Metallica on stage pretending that they still matter.

Another notable pre-intermission moment happened when Doc sent the band into a convulsive version of Tchaikovsky's Finale, from Symphony No. 4 (people sucked with titles back then). He worked every member of that orchestra into a sweat. My favorite music is punk rock and this version of Tchaikovsky was as punk as you can get without a mohawk.

Sadly, this was also when Doc started showing his age. His breathing became labored and suddenly you knew why he was retiring. Still, he brought Tchaikovsky to life in a way that has never been done before. This was as lively as it was ever going to get. And then we got to intermission (actually, intermission came after Sing, Sing, Sing but I'm not sticking strictly to schedule).

During the 20 minute intermission I felt thirsty and went to get a glass of water. I asked the bartender how much a glass of water cost and he said, "Free." I heard him wrong and responded, "Three?" He said, "Free!" I repeated, "Three?" He nearly screamed, "FREE -- it's water!" I then gave him nothing in exchange for a glass of ice-water. As I left he said, "Thanks for the tip, bub." Being that I didn't give him a tip and my name isn't "bub," I assumed he was being sarcastic.

Just as I was finishing the free water that I didn't leave a tip for, an announcement came over the loudspeaker asking all the obscenely wealthy people and Alex and his aunt (with a small "a") to take their seats, as the second part of the show was about to begin. I had to pee, but my aunt wouldn't wait for me as she was scared the show would start and she'd be locked out of the rest. I lived dangerously and pissed my brains out with only a few seconds of intermission to spare.

I went back in with only a few seconds left on the clock and Doc talked about how he loved Italian Opera. Some guy came on stage and sang some pretty great Italian Opera songs. The dude beside me started crying again. I guess he speaks Italian. My aunt said, "What an amazing singer!" and I responded, "That's what I sound like when singing in the shower." My aunt laughed, but I think it was a courtesy chuckle.

After all the Italian stuff some choir sang a couple of songs from popular Broadway plays. This was the only part of the show that sort of bored me. Probably because of my raging heterosexuality. After that Doc ended the program with a Christmas song. A Christmas song in March (nearly April). Everyone started crying, like they would never experience Christmastime again. It was sort of moving. Sort of like at the end of Bambi when the singers all sing and make you feel both happy and sad that Bambi has grown up and is hanging with his dad, but yet you're reminded that his mom's gone forever.

I love Bambi.

After the show ended and my aunt and me and some friends of ours talked about how crazy amazing it was, we headed toward the lobby where Doc Severinsen was going to give a toast. With cake. Sadly, the cake was all gone before my aunt and myself got to the magical "cake spot." That cake could have fed us both for a month. Secretly, I just wanted Doc's autograph. I got within 3 feet of where he was standing but an impenetrable barricade of plastic garbage cans stopped me from approaching him.

Doc thanked everyone and talked about how the Minnesota Orchestra is one of the greatest in the world (which it is), how much he loves it and how much he hates saying "goodbye." So he said he wouldn't say goodbye, but admitted he wouldn't be coming back. I wanted an autograph then more than ever.

After his toast he was rushed off into the totally non-secured hallway. I approached him with a pen and the generic program given at the start of the show. The head of the Minnesota Orchestra said, "He's beat. He just can't sign autographs." I hung my head in misery. At the same time, I thought it was all groovy that I was closer to Doc than Johnny Carson ever was on The Tonight Show.

Then I saw Doc one door down. I could have approached him without any difficulty. But I didn't want to look like a dickhead. If he really was exhausted and didn't want to sign any autographs, why should I put him in an uncomfortable position? So I just asked, "What's up Doc?" and he nodded at me with a smile and shrugged his shoulders.

I guess nothing was up. And I guess that's all that I needed.

Autograph or not, it was a great show.

Fan of anything? Fan of nothing? Like this article? Hate this article? Either way, LET ME KNOW! Really. If you don't, I will silently loathe you.

©2007 Alex Sandell/Cerebellum inc. [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll stare at you in a way that will make you feel funny.

I forgot the 10 year anniversary of The Juicy Cerebellum. I had all these grand things planned for the event and none of them happened. Only now, 9 days after the date, do I remember that the date was forgotten. So if you're a female and we ever get married, don't be offended when I forget your birthday, your anniversary or to wear a condom -- that's just how I'm wired.

Still, I actually wanted to do something cool for the anniversary. Something never done before on the page or online. Something sexy. Something scary. Something fantastic.

But I didn't. And now the date has passed. And it will never return (sort of like my ex-wife).

Anyway, one thing I wanted to do is create a blog at The Juicy Cerebellum itself. I know it's not that tough, but my Internet skills don't go much past basic HTML.

I still want to convert The Juicy Cerebellum into what is basically my totally ignored blog over at blogspot. I know that it can be done and blogger.com allows it, but I can't figure out how to do it for The Juicy Cerebellum (and trust me, I've been trying).

The best I've managed to do is completely erase ALL graphics from my page and have the mainpage of The Juicy Cerebellum be nothing but code. While code can be fun for a while, the entertainment value typically wears thin within a couple of months. So what do I do?

I know some of you out there know how to accomplish this sorta stuff. I know ALL of you regular readers would like DAILY updates, would like to comment ON those daily updates on the page itself and would like RSS feeds so you can read the updates on the go. This can all be accomplished -- but how? 

So I'm pleading with anyone and everyone that knows more than I do about bringing an antiquated site up-to-date to help the date be brought up. The reason I've essentially left The Juicy Cerebellum behind is because it reminds me of 1999. 1999 wasn't a good year. Please save me from the year 1999 and  help me with my page!

I'm not asking for financial contributions (I'm handling that -- despite my general lack of income). I'm not asking for blowjobs from fans (although that would be nice). I'm not even asking for topless pictures to add to the "Totally Juicy Topless Girls" section of The Juicy Cerebellum (although I wouldn't turn them away). I'm just asking for someone to help me update the page.

Is that too much to ask?

I hope not. Because until that page looks like something created in the 21st Century, it's not going to be updated. So won't you please lend a hand (and possibly some code)?

If you don't know how to accomplish this task, ask someone you know who knows. I've had well over a million unique visitors to this site! One of them must know how to do this. Either that, or The Juicy Cerebellum attracts nothing but the hooked on phonics crowd.

Not that there's anything wrong with phonics. Or being hooked on them.

Post here or, better yet, send an email to alex@juicycerebellum.com. Only you can save the Cerebellum (and help prevent forest fires)!

Oh, and happy anniversary to me. I hate myself for forgetting. Stupid brain atrophy.

PS - Doesn't that whole, "Only you can prevent forest fires" tagline seem a bit odd? Seriously, if only I could help, I wouldn't have a moment for myself. And the fuck if I'm flying to Japan to piss on a burning tree.