MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Family search - Family history

So, something that I've missed that I used to do just about everyday is blogging... I think I just grew to believe that it may be somewhat presumptious if not ostentatious to assume that the details of my personal life are intriguing to anyone but my own.

As a friend of mine once said, "could it be that you're self conscious?"

Why yes. Yes it could.

So you know what, I'm going to write whatever I feel in here rather than only posting when something important happens or when I'm feeling strongly about something. That just makes for a kind of emotional blog and it takes the light and the dark and all the shadows inbetween to make for something actually worth a person's time. So, we shall soon see if this rings true for me and you.

Yes. I'm cheesy. I find humor in simple rhyme and wordplay. Perhaps I should meet up with Jason Mraz sometime because he's all about the wordplay isn't he? hehehe I wuv him.

P.S. my back HURTS.

You want to know the honest truth. I think the reason why I don't blog anymore is because my im's and emails to people have become my blogs.

How lame is that?

How is that changing anything?

Ah well. :)

SO!!

Today was Thanksgiving and yes, I have been having a nice holiday from school thanks :) I ate a lotta lotta turkey!! And yesterday I got to see Laura and Jose whom I haven't seen in for ev errrr (gotta do it sandlot style, btw. :) ) and I saw TWO movies. Borat which I kinda believe to be way overrated and not something I wouldn't mind never seeing again. People were talking like it was the funniest movie ever and yes, some did warn me that it is in an offensive kind of way, but I felt that the blatant nakedness was just redick and kind of embarrassing. For me. Because I am me. And so I had to shield my face until it was over. I KNOW they didn't show anything, but it's the principle and the gross obesity of that man....

Ok. enough.

I also saw Happy Feet! It was great! Longer than I would have expected, but great all the same!! The penguin sounded like that one friend guy in Just Friends....let me see if it was...nope. Turns out that amidst the all star cast, "Mumble" (whom I might add I thought was called MAMBO until IMDB so graciously corrected my mistake) was voiced by Elijah Wood.

Hm. I was wrong. So very very wrong.

Oh well.

I don't think it's important enough to dwell upon.

I have a Friday and a Saturday to play with friends, but in order to do this I have to overcome my fear of the phone and actually CALL SOMEONE!!! I'm going to do it. And if they love me, they will already know that I am scared and will be totally unphased by the lameness of the conversation. I shouldn't be scared to talk to my best friends on the phone. But I am. It's stupid, it's lame, maybe even childish and a bit redick, but it is what it is.

I'm gonna be just fine. hehehe DORK. (I'm convincing myself)

In other news, my back really hurts and this lamoid futon is not helping.

Okay, so my first post in forever kinda sucks, but I don't even care.

That's the point right?

I love and I feel and I hurt and I need all of these things. I am the light and You are the essence. The water pours down in tears of despair and pain and everything I've ever needed. I fall to the ground and there's no one left to catch me. I pound my fists on the pavement leaving behind bloody splotches shaped like hands but no one even looks up. My head pounds and my heart aches and there's not medication to assuage. All I ever wanted was You. You're the only one I need but somehow I look past that every day and it's only when there's nothing and no one else that I acknowledge You in my life. It's like a kite on a rainy day. A flower in the winter has no place.

"How does doubt slip in, so silently?
And why does condemnation come so naturally?
Why do I still get the best of me?
Loving so little and living so selfishly?

When all I want to do, is give this life to You.
All I want to do is give this life to You.
All I want to do is give this life to You,
and let Your will be done until it's all I want to do."
Lyrics by Ginny Owens

So there's been a change in plans.....

I can't move to Indiana anymore.

LONG story short? "Money Issues"

Yeah. It sucks.

So. New plan; transfer down to Texas Lutheran University in Seguine and continue the road to Australia as mentioned in my previous entry.

Sadddddd.

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In other news, I only made an 86 on my nutrition exam and I am PISSED.

In other other news, I just realized that I have my first Astronomy exam tomorrow which I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT until just this second....so I better go study for that since I'll be expected to know a bit more than I do now when the test rolls around in 6 hrs.

Not enough time!

I've done it again............

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Okay, so first thing this morning, I'm running waaaay late. I haven't actually been to sleep yet and I got a little...erm...sidetracked during my morning routine.

First off, I forget about the stupid MUD MIRE the rain left yesterday and on my way onto the bus I promptly bust it. my foot is completely sunken in the mud and the busdriver is staring at me like I owe him something for not driving away and so I apologize and thank him for waiting as I trapse mud all over the bus. To make the best out of a crappy situation, I wipe the excess mud all over my jeans, which were already muddy from the fall anyways so it wasn't as though much more could hurt.

Secondly, as the bus comes to my stop, I blast from its doors like a bat out of hell and do my best beast walk (some of you know it well) to my Spanish class so as not to be locked out. I can feel the blisters forming on my feet as the clock tower taunts my progress by announcing that, yes, it is 8 'o'clock. I make it to Spanish just in time, looking both muddy and crazy and collapse into my chair. God only knows how I did on that quiz. Ok, I think.

In between classes, I did get to see the turtles and a few little squirrels and some doves and so that, of course, brightened my spirit, if even a little bit.

Thirdly, it is a veritable fact that I BOMBED my astronomy exam. Good thing she drops the lowest exam score or else I'd be in deep doo doo.....

Fourthly, Nikki and I didn't agree whether to meet or not today and so I had to ride the bus home in a sad mood all alone.

Nikki did arrive home shortly thereafter and lifted my spirits, if only for a time, just because I love her very much and just having her with me makes me happy :)

Fifthly, as I sit down to eat my Lean Cusine and watch E! network as is our custom, I dump broccoli in cheese sauce ALL OOVER MY LEG and it's pretty much scalding hot...I have the burn to prove it.

So...after all of this sadness....I find that this is where I might praise God for the life He's given me...for the birds and the trees and the beautiful day. I praise Him for the rain He sent us yesterday and for all of the blessings in my life.

As we said in LCM last week....praise God for all of our shortcomings. I'm givin it all to You.

It's all You :)

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I have a new Australian friend named Chris with whom I get along with very well :) It's almost uncanny how well we can understand each other...just say anything and everything and know that you'll be understood and never judged; always accepted just as you are in all of your faults. Even a 30 minute conversation with him can brighten my day, no matter what's going on, because it's just like a release from everything crazy in the world. I think this the beginning of a great friendship, hopefully for life It's not often you come across a person as unique and refreshing as all of this, is it?

Love y'all :) I'm feeling better after venting....but I really need some sleep now. <3<3<3

To make it up to all of y'all for the exceedingly "deep" nature of my previous post, this will just be a general update on my life and thoughts because I know that you really love me and really do care. ;)

I'm sitting in one of those leather chairs in the University Bookstore, eating a Hershey's bar and sipping an iced latte and just feeling, overall, extremely comfortable and content with life. You know that feeling.it's similar to when there's someone special in your life and just thinking about them kind of makes your stomach twist, but in a good way. My stomach is twisting in that good way but only about life in general. :) It's funny because nothing particularly special happened today; I haven't really accomplished all that much just yet either. So it must be that all it takes in life to make me truly happy is a bookstore, coffee and chocolate. All boys take note of the key to my heart!! Haha I guess it's kind of a good and bad thing that I'm so easily pleased. I think that the fact that I'm really enjoying the music tracks they've been playing on the overhead today. Ok. Irony. The JUST changed it from classical and piano to BLUEGRASS. Cotton-eyed Joe to be exact. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Ah, such is life, yeah? As soon as everything's perfect someone changes the station to bluegrass.

Anyways.

So school started last week, yeah? I'm taking 17 hrs. haha yeah I am crazy actually, thanks for asking! I'm taking Spanish 1010 w/ lab, Astronomy 1050 w/ lab, Physics 1433 and lab, General Nutrition, and Popular Music in American Culture. Next semester I'm going to have to go CRAZY with the upper level courses because I keep taking the easy way out which is nowhere near satisfying my degree requirements. I like my courses in generalI guess. I'm not passionate about anything I'm studying nor am I particular interested in any general sense of the word in any one of them so I guess I like them a little less than even I can say.

 Did I tell you that I'm moving to Australia for a while? Those closest to me know (Ams in particular hahaha sadly I don't think there will be any Cavaliers around...) what a dream come true this will be for me and I know it seems crazy and impulsive but you know that I'm going to do everything within my power to make it happen. While it would be nice to go as soon as possible and finish out my bachelor's there, it's not so probable. Unless I can manage some kind of exchange program for my senior year, Summer '09 is when I'd move to start grad school. That's THE ABSOLUTE LATEST I would ever want to go though. It's much too long a wait so I will aim for Summer '08 after a year at Valpo! That's only 21 months which sounds SOOOO much better than 33. I want to experience the world and Australia's my favorite and the perfect place to start. I so sad that my dream of meeting Steve Irwin will never be realized though. Sad sad sad..

I'm aiming to fly up to Chicago on Oct. 27th to make my way over to the Valpo campus for a tour and a meeting with a counselor about the classes I should take next semester to prepare me for a transfer, how my credits will transfer (if at all) etc. It's a very important trip for my future AND my happiness because DASHBOARD IS PLAYING IN ROSEMONT and I'm going to go with my little Jen Jen and have the time of my life and make a memory worth cherishing forever. I'm so glad that I made the decision to start LIVING rather than EXISTING because these days are meant to be the best of our lives, yeah?

Ok kids, I'll leave you here I suppose because my battery's dying and I still have to go print, sign and mail the promissary note for my BOT loan, talk to the leasing office at my apt complex, take a quiz and do my nutrition hw, learn how to speak spanish, etc!! 

Love y'all more than life!!!!

Mel

The only honest no frills answer to how they could move on and you can't is that you simply fell that much harder for them than they did for you.

     You were so ready for this love you've been waiting for all your life that at the first sight of it you were ready to take the plunge. You were so ready that, with a running start, you took a flying base jump off that proverbial cliff without ever pausing to look back. As you made the drop to the bottom of that cliff, you were positive that the Love of your life was following right behind you; they even shouted words of encouragement to you along the way assuring you they were right there with you and that it wouldn't be long now before you reached that Valley of True Love where you would start your lives together. At some point during the fall, you began to ponder at the quiet. Something was different you just couldn't put your finger on it.you continue the plunge and, just before your feet hit the bottom of that blessed Valley, it dawns on you; the silence was the sound of the absence of the voice of your Love. And yet as you touched down on that valley, you scramble to your feet as fast as your legs will allow and, still tangled in the cords of your chute, you whip your eyes upward fearing the worst.  And there was your Love, hanging from their rope about halfway down the cliff. You shout up to them "WHAT HAPPENED? I THOUGHT WE WERE IN THIS TOGETHER?????" She stares down at you with a look of, what? Pity? She hangs her head as she calls back "I didn't know how to tell you.but I can't do this. It's just not important to me anymore." And with that you collapse in a heap of shock and mourning as you watch this person, this person who is supposed to be the love of your life, as they continue their climb back up the cliff to that Plain of Prospects where you were once content at just the idea of lovea Plain you were now expected to return to.

     For a while you lay there crumpled at the base of the cliff so consumed with the love you've plunged into and thoughts of what might have been and how you should have seen it coming the moment you noticed the silence that it made it all the more difficult to watch as she became steadily more and more agile at climbing the wall of the cliff; she would only stop every now and again to send words of encouragement your way.

     And then, as you pull yourself from the ground and begin unclipping your chute, you look up in time to see the last bit of your Love disappear over the top of the cliff and into the World of Possibilities. A heavy fog of despair and mourning and depression begins to settle over your stretch of the Valley, tainting the True Love that once resided there. You feel a curtain of remorse fall over you as you realize for the first time exactly what it is going to take to make it back to the Plain of Possibilities from where you stand. You were so ready to take the plunge that all you brought to make it out of the Valley is your bare hands, feet and power of will. Your first impulse is that this is impossible; you'll never make it over that cliff alive. You're doomed to wander the Valley alone with a love that will never be returned and the memory of what was and the hopes of what might have been. At this point, it is only the hope that, if you can make it to the Plain of Prospects, you might prove to your Love just how worthy you are and win them back that drives you to find that first foothold and begin the ascent.

     You've made it about one third of the distance up the face of the cliff; you're bloodied and exhausted but not discouraged. As you slide to the base of a ledge where you might catch your breath and tend to your wounds, you hear a familiar laugh. Your heart stops before it begins pounding in your throat. You begin to sweat, if possible, even more profusely as you hear the approaching chatter of two; a man and a woman. You swallow the knot in your throat as you watch your Love come into view. She is not alone. In perfect unison she, and a man unknown to you, steadily take the plunge together. They are moving with a carefree attitude as they climb down the face of the Cliff helping each other find hand and footholds as they laugh and chat along the way. As they near your ledge, you step out of the shadow and into view. Your heart soars as she looks in your direction and smilesand then it shatters as you realize she's only laughing at something Mr. Wonderful has said. You lean back into the shadows against the wall of the ledge for support as you observe their descent for a time and then it occurs to you how happy she is. Your impulse is to ask how it is possible that she can be so happy and so content while your world shatters all around you. You slide to the floor of the ledge again and, before long, you see Mr. Wonderful ascending the cliff alone. You realize, after a time, that he is calling out to you and so you walk to the edge of the ledge where he meets you asking if he can join you. Begrudgingly you agree to share your ledge for a time and he slides to the ground next to you.

     After a short time you ask, not without a hint of sarcasm, what happened between him and your Love. He explains that, along the descent, she met someone new whom she claimed to love equally as well as Mr. Wonderful. She decided to continue the descent with this new man and left Mr. Wonderful to ascend back to the Plain on his own. You scoff and explain that you're not so surprised. Your Love is not the most trustworthy of mates and Mr. Wonderful nods in agreement. You stand together with renewed vigor at this shared esteem, albeit a bitter one, and decide to continue the ascent together using each other as support.

     Time passes and you've reached the point of no return; you've come too far to turn back now but not so far that the Plain of Prospects still only seems a distant dream. You squint above you and notice that Mr. Wonderful seems much more agile at the climb and though you don't mind how much more easily you can find the footholds by following his lead you can't help but ask, "How can you make this seem so easy? How did you know what equipment to bring? You seem socalm." Mr. Wonderful laughs bitterly and explains that the ascent back to the Plain of Prospects is never as difficult as the first fall because, after a while, you learn not to fall quite so hard. "You NEVER take the base jump route because, while it may seem the most exciting way to go, the journey is short lived and makes it difficult to forge a true bond between yourself and your Love." You nod in agreement and inwardly kick yourself at how blind you were. "A slow descent is the best descent. There is always a risk that, if you decide to take it slow you may learn that you are only good as friends and nothing more..but it makes the ascent that much easier as you have good company along the way and a good friend for life. So yesthe ascent may seem easy to me, but it still hurts all the same. I've just learned what to expect along the ascent and what works best for me on the ascent to keep my mind off of my Love and on the task at hand; making it to the Plain of Prospects."

     As Mr. Wonderful finishes his explanation, you realize to your amazement that you are nearing the edge of the cliff and feel very ready to enter back into the Plain of Prospects for another go around. Who knows? Maybe your next descent will be your last?

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This is something I started writing a while ago, though I can't remember what sparked it. I came across it again tonight and wrote the last few paragraphs and this is what came from it. It was written off the top of my head with no prior planning and so parts of it are jumbled and some of the sentances are too long but it is what it is and I like it for that. Far too many people I know seem to rush into relationships without looking back and then seem shocked when they "suddenly" end just as fast as they began.

Proverbs 4:23 says to guard your heart above all things and so that is what I plan to do. I think it would save a lot of people a lot of heartache.

There are so many people who feel like they need to keep busy in order to feel accomplished....people who feel like they must see a friend everyday in order to feel wanted....these are the people who have asked me in the past how I can be so content for weeks at a time without visiting anyone, calling anyone or even spending much time with anyone other than myself at all? Answer: solitude grows on a person to the point where, without it, they wouldn't be the same person. I know, I know it seems depressing but it's really not :) I love spending time with friends, and wouldn't mind to everyday but I find that I value my alone time more than the average person.....today I taught myself why; you are never alone if you've a book in your hands.

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I spent a lot of my life as an overweight kid with glasses and an affinity for books. Add the fact that 80% of my wardrobe was as old as I was and you have a recipe for a lonely girl who grew up being too smart for her own good. I read my first book when I had just turned 4 yrs old. I was reading chapter books by kindergarten and was constantly bored with everything my teachers put in front of me. I was on an 8th grade reading level by third grade and at that point I had become a sponge. I inhaled every book they put in front of me as if it was oxygen, becoming irritable and distracted if I had to move on to another task before finishing new material. The summer of 1997 between 4th and 5th grade I crashed into a depression in which I was plagued by constant feelings of lonileness and inferiority. My Dad had lost his drivers license due to a recent diagnosis of epilepsy and so our summer daytrips consisted of daily walks to the public library 4 blocks down the road. I became acquainted with Jane Austen and Charles Dickens who remain to be two of my favorite authors of all time. My vocabulary grew at an immense rate thanks to Webster and my mother haha, I couldn't stand not knowing the meaning of a word and so I was constantly asking questions. I also devoured my first Harry Potter book towards the end of that summer though I didn't like it the first time through. haha Simply proof that I'm a believer in second chances... 

I kept up the constant reading through my 8th grade year and then, when I made it to 9th, I united with Amelia, Laura and Min and never looked back 'til now.

I miss that. No, I don't miss the depression part of it all, but I do miss having my nose in a book, I miss the constant learning and growing and thriving. I still believe written word to be one of the most beautiful, precious, boundless Godsends to ever grace the planet.....and yet it's been months since I last finished a new novel. It's been at least a year since I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a book I knew nothing about only to love it all the same. I should have a goal for this summer; inbetween working and sleeping I will finish 1 book for every 7 days. hmmm....rule number 2; I will not read any two books of the same genre within two consecutive 7 day periods. I will broaden my horizons.....
Join me if you will :)

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So yes, the idea of a person being able to say "I don't like to read", "books bore me" or, my personal favorite, "Books are for prisoners" (hahahaha I love you so much Nikki!! :-D ) is beyond me. I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will......and yes, I am destined to be a nerd for the rest of my life because of it. But, you know I don't think I mind?

No one likes a Debbie Downer.

Do you ever feel like you have those friends.those friends who you love more than life but for crying out loud it seems like all they do when you're together is complain!? Don't get me wrong, I care about every single one of my friends and I care about how their family is doing and about all of their hurts.but I feel like there is a time and a place for discussing general family dysfunction and the time and place is not constantly everywhere we go! Or worse, it's like every inconvenience in life is a headline that needs to be flashed to the world. EVERYONE'S family experiences as much, if not more dysfunction than yours. I promise. EVERYONE'S manager can be a jerk. I don't need a play by play. General updates are fine and perfectly welcome, but enough with the he said/she said. It's just sometimes I feel like all I am anymore to some of my friends is a place to vent! I feel like such a jerk for actually admitting that I don't want to hear every sobbing detail of my friend's lives because I will definitely be there for them anytime they need me and I truly care about themdoes the fact that I'd rather discuss that cute boy's bum over there or even the time-space continuum than family dysfunction and work woes make me a bad friend? I don't mind if it's something they talk about.it's inevitable, even expected, and a part of life. I do it as much as the next person... Just please why can it not be all they talk about. Maybe it'd be different if I was the kind of person who got to see my friends every day of my life, but that's just not the way it is. In high school it was different because I was there for 80 percent of their waking lives.so their life was practically my life and every detail was expected.things change. I'd rather just drink my coffee and laugh and have a good time than have to be serious and concerned. Is that so wrong? If it isn't then why am I feeling so guilty?

Okay so I've just had a breakthrough..... I babble on about these doubts of mine but in the end, they are not even relevant to what is the true root of my struggle; am I following Christ because I love Him or am I following Him because I know that to not follow Him is to endure eternal suffering?

The problem was that I had only ever looked at my faith in this light. Therefore, I had no idea if I was a true Christian or not, knowing all along that God would see right through me if I have been faking it all this time...And so today, for the first time, I looked at all this in a different light.

I reworded that question of mine into an even more important question; If there was no Heaven and no Hell, if there was no reward or punishment for choosing Him or rejecting Him, would I still follow Him? And so there I sat, wondering...imagining. And it was then that it dawned on me that I could never give up my life as his disciple because He is my life. Even if I would suffer no punishment to say Goodbye to Him forever and go about my life just like everyone else....I couldn't imagine a life without Him in it. What would be the point? And my heart smiled and swelled with pride at that thought that I am truly His, and yes! Yes, it was all by my choice! Of course there is no choice when you are looking at it as a life or death decision....but that's not what it is. It's a life decision. Period. The choice is not to choose whether to live or die but to choose HIM. Or not. And the punishment isn't really a punishment at all.....after a person dies their spirit has to go somewhere, after all and, since this person has denied and rejected God and wants nothing to do with him, the only place in existence where that is truly possible is in Hell.

I've had this issue with worship for 2 years now....the idea that God would create us only so that we might bow down before Him and tell Him how great He is....well that's not what worship even is is it? It's a choice just like everything else.....it's just all the people who have chosen to love Him coming together to visit their father and thank Him for all he's done for them and given them. It's like..let me tell you a story.

You are lying on the side of the street naked, starving, thirsty, impoverished and dying. Just as you draw what you believe will be your last breath, a stretch limousine pulls up not two feet from where you lie in the dust. A man in a white linen suit emerges from the car, lifts you into his arms prepared to give you new life. First he takes you into his home where he makes you a part of his family. He clothes you and feeds you. And then, when you have strength and life again, he places a check for 15 billion dollars into your fist and tells you that "you are now strong enough to be free to go out and make a life for yourself in whatever way you choose." You stand there looking at Him, jaw agape, in awe of the goodness of this man and you ask him, "What can I ever do to repay you? I never deserved any of this. I was a wretch, I was worthless, I--", it is here that the man cuts you off with a smile and a wave of his hand. He shakes his head at you, his eyes shining with unconditional love and he takes you into an embrace while saying this; "All I ask is that you come by and visit me once a week, just one day every week that we might spend together, just you and me." You smile into his shoulder as two tears run down your cheeks and you say "Thank you Father."

After all this man has done for you, would you not visit him once, even more than once, every week bringing gifts and singing his praises, all the while never letting him forget just how thankful you are and what an amazing and wonderful person he is?

I feel as though our relationship with God is parallel to this story.Except of course we are more than simply indebted to Him. We owe him our very existence, our world, our family.Everything. Imagine if the man had let his only son die for you so that you might live? How much more grateful might you feel towards him?

I finally understand that liturgy that I always thought was so corny, until now. "It is right to give Him our thanks and praise"

The Truth

Relient K

 

And I've collected all these thoughts
And I'm dying just to lose them
And if your words are true or not
I'll die trying to prove them
But I'll just have to accept
That my mind is so inept
And the only thing that's left
For me to do is to trust you

Convince me
Because I really need your help
Oh convince me
Because I can't see this for myself

I'll put the emphasis on the evidence
Begging for the proof
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

This is so unnerving
I know you've never lied to me before
But the things you're telling me
I can't yet believe
Yet can't ignore
But I'll just have to accept
That my mind is so inept
And the only thing that's left
For me is to trust you

Put the emphasis on the evidence
Begging for the proof
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

It's a world full of cynics
Who say to stay alive in it
You gotta stick with what you know
But the soul is always aching
For the heart to start taking
A chance by letting go

So let go
Let go
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth
Attempt to place our lives into your hands
Confide in what you'll do
Cause sometimes when you're trying to sleep
And all your doubts and your faith don't agree its cause
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

Ahhhhhh....I love when everything just comes together. And all I had to do was look at things in a different way. :) Today is a landmark day. I have to go spend some time getting reacquainted with my FatherI'm sure you can understand. :)

I originally wrote this blog as just a private journal entry but I decided that I need to just put myself out there and see if anyone else can offer me something on all these things that are tearing at my heart. Please just give me anything but an "I don't know".....someone has to know......

I'm always smiling. I'm always talking. I'm always taking it one day at time because tomorrow is never certain, while today is a definite. I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm feeling. Who can say what will happen tomorrow? Who can say if there will even be a tomorrow? I've made it to yesterday's tomorrow, and today I feel the same as yesterday....alone. It's funny isn't it? I always seem to have these mountaintop highs where I am able to be happy by constantly  decieving myself and everyone around into believing that I'm perfectly happy on my own and that I am content to wait for His will to be done in this area of my life. Decieve myself into believing that as soon as I stop looking for this guy, we will find each other whenever we least expect it. And then the truth creeps up on me every so often and slaps me in the face like a great big honking neon sign that screams "NO ONE WANTS YOU."

If you know me, you know that my struggle as of late has been with these guidelines God has given me as a Christian woman for the Christian man he has planned for me. And I know that the truth, that no one who meets God's standards could ever want me, isn't really the truth at all, but it is how I truly feel sometimes. What is it about me that has me marked as "not an option" for these guys? I mean is there honestly something horribly wrong with me that I can't see? Is there an invisible stamp across my forehead reading "The Perfect Friend" that everyone but I can read? What makes me not good enough? Do I talk too much? Am I too outgoing? Am I not skinny enough? Am I not smart enough? Who am I enough for? I know that I am only 19 yrs old and I have my whole life in front of me to find whomever it is that He has for me....in all reality I don't even know what I'd do with myself if I found myself in a relationship right now. He knows what's best for me and I understand that all a person ever really needs is that one relationship so long as they make it count......::sigh:: maybe I'm going about this all wrong. I need some kind of guidance but there's no one around to guide me.

The textbook answer is that He should be more than enough for me. "All of you is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with your love. All I have in you is more than enough." The answer should be that when I am consumed with love for Him, my purpose will be clear. Or something. He is so important to me though! I do love Him and I do strive to work for His will in my life above all else. But I'm not anywhere close to being able to feel content with just His love. He should be more than enough! The problem is I don't even know how to get there and there's no one I know who can help guide me on that...no one I could even ask about it.

At the beginning of last year, my heart was consumed with all of these doubts concerning my faith. I never doubted that there is a God, I was just having faith that the Bible is all true. I kept coming up with all of these ideas like, what if God is not the only God. What if there are thousands of Gods, each with their own Galaxy and species in the universe that they control, whom they can tell whatever they want to because their species will believe them because it is the only thing that they know. I am not saying that I believe that, or even that it's a plausable statment...just that it is equally as possible for that to be true as it is for the Bible to be true. I had real issues with the idea that God created us for the base purpose of having someone who could choose to love Him. What's wrong with that, you might ask. Well, everyone calls it a "choice" but you're not really choosing....not really.  It's kind of like someone's standing in front of Paradise with a loaded gun in your face telling you to choose. Not much of a choice, is it? Sometimes I think that I have too much intelligence for my own good. So many people are able to just go along in their faith without ever having to struggle with doubts in the same capacity as mine because it would never even occur to them that there might literally be some other gods out there or that our freedom of choice isn't much of a freedom at all.

How do I erase all these doubts from my head??? I NEED to know! I just want it to go away....because I know that as long as there isn't an answer to these doubts, they will always be there at the back of my mind. I do ignore them now....last year I listened to them and was angry at God because of it and because of everything he put my family through, but now I've learned that it's just so much easier if I don't question Him. At the same time I know that I will never be able to have the kind of relationship with Him that I so desperately need so long as these thoughts keep erupting every so often as they so like to do. I really really really just wish I could think of someone, anyone, who is wiser than me; someone who I feel comfortable enough with to talk about this with and they could give me a reponse besides "I don't know" or "don't think about things like that".

I'm feeling so helpless. I'm not used to not having an answer.