Today on my way home from Dick's sporting goods, where I was looking at running shoes, I was listening to a special program on Howard Stern. It is a weekend long compilation of all the live acts that have played in the studio over the years. It just so happened that the song I heard on the ride home was Dido's "Thank You."

I know I can't be the only person for whom this song hits a nerve but I thought I would write about some of the feelings it has always brought out. I don't exactly remember when that song came out but I think it must have been right before I moved to California and when I was seeing Maeve. I know that I heard it before I left to go there and I'm pretty sure that I thought it was a good song but sort of unremarkable to me. I always thought that it made such a reference to a practical expression of what love means to someone. What I did notice is that when I moved out, and away from her, that almost every time I heard that song I was almost brought to tears. I missed her a lot and felt very alone being out there in a new place with no new friends or anything. As with any long distance relationship there were times when I had doubts about us and if I was doing the right thing. I'd listen to the song, and in my mind I'd see her singing that song to me and I would know I loved her. I don't claim that I had that unusual of a reaction to the song, but that's how it made me feel.

We broke up about a year later. Since then the song has sort of become sort of a metaphor for what I want out of someone in my life. I hope to find someone that feels the way she describes in that song and does the same for me. See this blog is falling flat and I don't know if I care enough to really try to go anywhere else with it or if I should. This is the point in a conversation where both parties are thinking "No shit, Captain Obvious!"

I think I am going to stop writing blogs. I thought when I started that I would be able to write some interesting things that would be different from the drivel that most blogs are filled with. I probably had a bit of a dream of being the male version of sex and the city, and while my shoe fetish approaches the level of the show, I don't want this to keep going where I feel like has been in the past year or so. I think that this is turning more and more into a diary or just a place to dump some of my depression when I feel down. I guess over the past year or so I've realized that I can't really write anything really good about my current life if it pertains to anyone else because the likelihood that the person involved will read it sort of ruins it. In almost every case it's better that people don't get an unfiltered public display of someone else's views on them. I'm also a victim of my own vanity; I am torn between for my need for discretion in who reads these blogs and my desire to have a vastly popular blog that gains me fame and fortune. Either that or I should just have a lot more sex and then I would have better shit to write about.

I am probably not that pathetic nor that interesting that my life should be cataloged. I am sure that just like my match.com membership I will revive my blogs in strange cycles over time but for now I quit.

I don't know if it's lame or not to write blogs about my dreams or not but I thought this one was interesting and since I've been having some weird ones lately that's saying something.

It was about a week ago but the gist is this. I had somehow gotten back together with my ex. This being THE ex, and by that I suggest you refer to my blog that lasted all my sexual exploits. I believe that there are 2 real philosophies when it comes to the "ex" designation and while I will accept these two, I tend toward the later of the following definitions; first, the most recent girl that you dated for more than 3 dates or one month which ever is longer; the second, the person you dated for the longest time no mater how long ago it was. I prefer this designation because it ascribes the most meaningful and universal term to the person that had likely the largest impact on your life. In my book all others either get a nickname or just the term "some chick I dated" the later being reserved for the most meaningless of trysts and relationships.

Anyway, I was back with the ex and things were beginning to settle down and it seemed I had paid my penance for screwing it up the first time. A feeling that I do truly hold, that had I not got caught up in "the grass is greener' and had understood how good things were, well let's just say things would have been different. So, in the dream things seemed to be going along smoothly and one day I look at her in what should have beena  sweet and romantic moment and ask her if she is happy. She looks at me and I see all my fears coming to her face. She isn't happy, I haven't changed enough, I haven't become the man I had probably promised her I would be, and that she was leaving. I know most relationships don't end as cleanly and this was a very Hollywood ending but it shook me.

When I woke up, I was sort of in that same state of shock and sort of strangely effected. I was troubled by having a dream like that about someone who is rarely in my thoughts and even when she is, it's in a misty nostalgic way. I have long since realized that changing myself to be better with her or anyone else is at best a temporary fix and at worst a lie to keep someone around so I am not lonely. I don't know if this was just some sort of reminder that she wasn't the one, or that she isn't and wasn't what I think she was. That the memory of her and our relationship has been turned into a collection of mostly good memories and that the things that didn't work or weren't good have sort of been left in the background. I am still bothered by the idea that I think I blew a good thing, but I am bothered by a lot of things I have screwed up and moved on from.

I do know that when I am lonely or sad all those former girls that I had something with come rushing to mind and I think about how great they were, but then I meet someone new and remember all the things they did to annoy me and why this new one is better. While I don't seem to have great control over the coming and going of those thoughts I do recognize that they don't mean what I used to let them mean to me. Maybe that means I'm growing up, I hope so since I'm getting old.

My life so far.

I have been rather absent from my blogging recently and I mean to use this blog to cover a little background as to what I've been up to and what has been going on in my mind.

 First I've been having a bit of a mini-series of dreams over the last few months. I have been dreaming about this cop and a criminal that he is chasing who keeps trying to kill him. I am generally a sort of civilian in most of them as I can remember. I am not sure because I only vaguely remember the other dreams when I have a new one that reminds me of the others. Last night was a new episode that involved me trying to tell the cops about a boy that I passed that had a gun or something. I called 911 on my cell phone and the lady on the other end said that I couldn't call 911 on a cell or something, whatever the reason I wasn't allowed to use it and I had no idea what the number was. So I took off looking for a cop to help out, and when I found a cop it looked like they were finishing up dealing with some accident or something. There was a bunch of them all around and tried to tell them the story of what was going on but they were only half listening. Then some dude starts running away and the cop I was talking to takes off after him, and for some weird reason I decide to chase him too. The foot chase was pretty cool and the guy jumps into a big dumpster and I remember thinking that only happens in the movies, actually how would I know since I don't get involved with many foot chases with the cops? OK the guy jumps out of the dumpster and there is greasy stuff all over the ground and I sort of corner the criminal guy for a few seconds till the cop comes around the corner of the dumpster and they start to fight. The cop is getting his ass kicked so I jump in and try to help out but then I wake up. I am a little troubled by the idea of having reoccurring dreams, since I associate that with people going crazy, but I am glad that the dream implies that I might be more prone to action in the case of emergencies. I doubt it, but at least it's a start.

 I've been working my second job at the mall pretty feverishly lately and the big black Friday weekend did seriously kick my ass. I was in no mood to leave the house after dealing with that. I think basically I found my limit, the point at which I actually need to muster up some real energy or effort to go in to work there. In most cases I can do that job standing on my head and I really don't mind it, but after a 12 hour day I'm about at the point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. That's not the right way to describe it, but I'm not sure I know how to. Most real jobs become tedious and tiring by about 10:30 for a lot of people, and if your lucky maybe by afternoon, and at that point you have to will yourself to work, well when it comes to working in the mall, I find it so easy most days I don't mind it at all, even if I would rather be home watching 2 midgets have sex.

 I have not been doing so well on my running plan, sadly. I was doing OK till my abscessed tooth became so painful that I ceased all activities that aggravated it till I could get it dealt with. That was a few weeks ago that I went to get it taken care of, and I have to give a big thank you to whoever invented oxycodone, because when the pain got to it's worst and 8 Tylenol or 9 ibuprophin did nothing, that stuff made the pain go away, I didn't seem to get any effects that might be considered a buzz, but I'm OK with that. I was actually afraid to take it for fear that I would like it so much that I would get hooked. I still worry, but I only took one and I put the rest away. I did really miss not having a g/f when I was dealing with these issues. As a man I feel the need to put up a front of invincibility and having a girl in your life that you can be a wimp around and get a little sympathy and babying isn't so bad once in a while.

 As for the other working out, I sort of changed my goal for fitness for the short term. I realized that without some sort of work out routine I would probably never get very far if I just aimed to do some push ups and what not everyday. I found this SWAT team fitness thing and I felt like it really suited my fitness sensibilities. I tend to believe much more in simple body weight based exercises to get to the level I aspire to. Maybe if I get to a higher level I will join the YMCA and start lifting weights. It also didn't help that I went to see the new James bond movie and he is naked in one scene and shirtless in a few others, making me realize that I need to do something. I think it's a little sad that I can be this skinny and not be rather ripped. Here is the link to the exercises I've been doing S.W.A.T. I've been doing it for a little over a month now and I can already notice that it doesn't hurt as bad when I get done and I think I see some improvements. However it says that it's a 15 min routine and it may be a while before I can do it that fast.

 I have realized that it's been quite a long time since I last got any action in the sex department and I'm not sure what I should do about that. At my best guess it's been over 2 months since I did anything physical with a girl, and I'm fast approaching the 1 yr anniversary of the last time I had sex. I blew off a bunch of chances earlier this year, especially right after that relationship ended because I held out a little hope that we would get back together and didn't want to have some awkward conversation about whether we were on a break or not. I'm not saying I regret not doing it with any of them, just that I turned down the chance. There were chances this summer but I knew I wouldn't be able to stay with them for more than a few weeks and I didn't think it was right to put them through that if I wasn't serious. So here I sit, trying to decide if there is ever an ethical reason to just go and find a hook-up because I'm horny. The sad thing is I know that after I get the BJ I so desire, I will probably either be disgusted with myself for hooking up with someone I can't be in a relationship with, or I be bummed out that it doesn't work out. I realize that if she is willing to get it on, then you might suggest that there will be posibility that she would actually want a relationship. I just anticipate that any girl who I can get on short notice is just looking for something short term too. I also can never really figure out what the average or normal time between hook-ups and/or make outs. OK I took about a week long break from this and now I'm back, so I feel I should cut this short so as not to seem like I'm being a wuss. I just have sort of come to the realization that in many ways my desire to have physical satisfaction and emotional satisfaction is many times at odds, or at least the methods to reach those desires make it unlikely to get both. I know that I want to have a long term serious thing in the near future, but I would like a BJ too.

 I've sort of noticed that my eating habits are fodder for most everyone in my life and I find it annoying. I realize that I am a ball buster to most everyone I meet so I can only be annoyed so much since it's about fair that I take a little myself. However what I do find annoying is that while I do a lot of snacking during the day I don't really do that much and compared to a lot of people it's hardly noteworthy. What I do think is a problem and worthy of comment is the variability of what I eat and when I eat it. Meaning that while I may spend 2 work days working on a tube of Pringles, I often go a day or 2 with out eating dinner and I eat breakfast about once a week. That seems more troubling than a bit of cookies or chips. I also find it annoying when someone who is fat talks about what I eat being bad for me. I can go out right now and run non stop for over 2 miles, I can do 50 push ups, and all of that without killing myself or feeling like I got hit by a truck the day after. I would say that maybe the rest of the fatties out there ought to look into the Andy Diet and see how it works for them. I mean really, when is the last time anyone questioned what a chubby person ate today? I get that shit all the time. I maintain that I must be doing something right.

I'm going to call this one quits for now and try to get back to writing more frequently.

I just read a blog posted by a girl about her changing attitudes on "Orgasm Pressure" and I was about to leave my thoughts as a comment but I realized that it would probably be too long and might veer off in a direction that wasn't really applicable to all of what she said. You can find her blog that caused this here. In case you are lazy the basic gist of the blog was that she has just come to realize just how much variability there is in both the anatomy and the sexual desires of the owners of that anatomy. Along with that is the inevitable comment from a lot of girls, "If you have to ask, then I didn't" and that certain guys ask over and over if their partner climaxed which is a big turn off for a woman.  That is a pretty simplistic summation but that will work for the background needed to justify my tangent.

I really appreciate that at least one woman sort of gets the fact that there is a downright insane variety in the layout and look of a girl's vagina and the reaction that an orgasm generates. I also put out the disclaimer that I'm sure a few girls have faked it while with me, and possibly all of them (but I really hope not). I will proceed with the assumption that all the girls who said they got there, actually did, because I would like to believe that they were being truthful. In that vein, I have known girls that screamed and moaned on such a level that I thought the neighbors might come see what was going on. It's great when they make all that noise, and I really loved it when they did that when I was living in the dorms. It was like advertising that I was working on my PhD of Cocksmanship. Although no girl ever seemed to show up at the door looking to ride the Andy train, it was a fantasy of mine nonetheless. I have also known girls who were almost silent in their orgasms and only the change in breathing and tensing of muscles were signs that the summit had been reached. Some girls feel like they are about to turn inside out when they orgasm, others only give little baby squeezes. The original author mentions that the clit can be in different spots and that is true of the G-spot also, I wouldn't have said that was so true but considering the sizes and shapes I've encountered and seen, I don't doubt it. The biggest problem is that it's rare that as care givers we rarely get so close up with adequate lighting to really map the region visually. Most of this has to happen manually and while multitasking (not a requirement but a good technique if you ask me).

If you are a woman and you've read thus far you might be wondering what I might suggest to help the would-be adventurer reach the goal; and really if your partner's orgasm isn't your goal as a lover, then you don't deserve to be there in the first place. I can give suggestions to both men and women, understanding that this can't possibly cover all people in all situations.

Men;

First things first, treat the first time you are with a new woman, like when you learned to drive stick. There is a lot going on and really all you want to do is just go, but if you don't pay attention to the signs given by the motor you will just stall out. What I mean is this: you have to figure out what the signals this woman is going to give, good and bad. Watch for hip movement, breathing pace, hand movement, eyes, and lips. No girl will typically give all the signs but she will surely give some sort of signal to say how she likes what you are doing. If you pay attention you might not need to ask. Now most times you will need some pointers because the clues you are getting might be sort of vague. This is a delicate part of love making, not fucking, if you're just fucking go to town and hope that unrelenting pounding and lust of the moment can take care of your partner. I think the best way to ascertain your performance is with some carefully worded questions that if done properly might actually add to her enjoyment. Things like "did you?" or "was that it?" are way too blunt and make for awkward moments if there is a need for a correction. You want the questions to fit the mood of what's going on, so if things are loud and excited then feel free to be more exuberant in your questions. You might try, "that's right, you like that don't you?" I know it's cocky but if things are going well then why not have a little fun with it? If on the other hand she is quiet and not giving a lot of signs then that calls for a much more humble and gentle approach, because she is likely not loving what you are doing. I would suggest a simple varying of technique to test the waters. Now let's understand something, you HAVE to be able to maintain the actions she likes at a steady rhythm, so randomly changing styles should be avoided. Once you've given all your tactics a try and nothing seems to work, you might have to ask a few questions, remember only a few. Start with location that she wants you to be at, inside or out is a starting point and you need to have a general idea of where the parts should be and what they should feel like, if you don't, she might show you if you're lucky. Next you need to find out how soft you should touch her, as a general rule you can't touch her too softly. Remember women are delicate and sensitive, if you've ever noticed women love anything that's soft so think of those super soft slippers she wears when nobody is around, that's what you should shoot for, but if you need to, ask how soft she wants you to be. Lastly, you need to find the frequency. This is much like the intensity but again remember you can't start out too slow, it builds anticipation and lets the feeling build slowly, women don't have a great 0-60 time, they are more like a Mack truck, slow to start but when they get going there is a lot of force behind it.

Women:

For centuries you have been repressing and hiding your sex drive in order to fit the female role dictated by our puritanical roots. This is why we go nuts for you when you show us some unexpected skin, or how we love reading story after story in Maxim about how horny you really are. Use this to your advantage but beware of your tone. Anytime you show us some of your sexuality we are turned on. If you can do it and inflate our ego, you have a solid gold recipe. I don't want this to seem like an invitation to fake or act differently when you are with a man, but just to be a bit more demonstrative with your reactions. Men are typically good at dealing with non-verbal communication. This was honed by thousands of years when we hunted food in groups and could not yell to others with out scaring off the prey. So men can do well with your little signs and signals but we need to know your code. You might breathe heavy when things are going well or you might hold your breath when that wonderful wave is about to crash over you. The only way we can decipher the code is from hints you might give. Basically if you can institute a program of positive reinforcement when ever your lover tries something he will know to keep it up. If he can't keep a rhythm that you need, try touching him with that pattern, ods are if you rub circles on his chest with the speed and intensity you like he will sub consciously mimic that. A few "yeas" or "mmmmm's" will go along way in helping him find the way. Don't be afraid to give directions but it's best if those directions are followed with a positive comment letting him know he found the spot. I'm not talking about screaming and hollering about how great it is, but any reaction that is consistent will be noticed. Basically if can let your lover know how good the good things he's doing are, then he will do those more often because that gets a response he understands. If you are naturally quiet and don't know how to let him know without throwing yourself off your concentration, you need to find some signal that you can do that will reassure the things he is doing are enjoyed.

The point comes down to this, there are some guys who want to please you, and sometimes they need a little nudge to find the places you love the most. Most of the time just knowing that you are into what he's doing, and into him in general is a big turn on for men. If you can show him what you like, he will only want to please you more because the reaction from you makes it rewarding for him too. Oh and guys, don't do anything that focuses her attention on anything she might see as a flaw in her body. So if you feel a stretch mark, don't longer on it. If you fee a zit, don't stop on it, move along like you never felt it. She is probably worried that any part of her will turn you off, and if you can reassure her that in your eyes she doesn't have those flaws she will be better able to relax, and sometimes that is the biggest key. Oh and it wouldn't hurt if you told her she was beautiful, extra points if you mean it.

This Friday was my first day at my part time job. I decided that this would be the best way to put a few bucks in my hand and start a serious push to save up some money. I realize that I'm 30 and I need to start thinking about that sort of responsible stuff and if I don't I will be working when I'm 90. I have been living a lifestyle that has been as close to the financial line as possible and I know that this will come back to bite me if I don't do something about it. I look at it like not having surge protectors on my Xbox and computer last year, everybody does it and they never have problems. I figure why bother it will never happen to me, and I get zapped. Who's the idiot in this equation? Anyway I don't want to write a blog about my finances that would be pretty boring I bet. The interesting thing about the new job is that there is a strange rule at the store I work at. If you forget to take off one of the security tags from the clothes and someone needs to return to the store to remove it then the person who sold it needs to do 50 push ups.

Well as you can imagine I missed one, well I might have missed more but only one showed up while I was working so I got informed of the rule and had to do my 50. I knew I would be in trouble with having to do all of them, I think my best at one sitting was 45 and that was when I was actually working on the crew and did a lot more heavy lifting during the day. If the challenge was pull ups I could probably do more than anyone, but that is as much a statement of my BMI (body mass index) being in the neighborhood of an Ethiopian as it does with any sort of physical fitness on my part. Anyway, I was notified of the rule and I immediately wondered if this would have to be done in front of the other employees or maybe even in front of the customers. While I could see this would be a great little thing for people to see and if done in a light hearted manner it might just be fun but while I don't mind being punished for a mistake in such a way I could imagine that would upset a lot of kids who work there. I like this idea for accountability at work; maybe it would have the added benefit of helping with the obesity problem in America. At my regular job we are always confronted with the problem of how to discipline employees and I think I might have stumbled onto a great idea. I have to work out the details but I think there will be some Mexicans doing lots of push ups at lunch in the near future.

Ok the real thing that got me thinking about bloging about all this is that I was so embarrassed that I couldn't do 50. I don't know why, since I don't think any of my friends could do it, and at no point could I have ever done it. I seem to have a certain body/fitness image in my mind and in moments like that I am reminded of how far from that image I am. I guess I have this feeling that I should be doing push-ups pull-ups and sit-ups daily as well as getting in a run. I do have the desire to be quite a bit more muscular but on the other hand I've sort of come to "own" my skinny body and sort of like being the skinny guy. I went running with my dog a few times this summer and I was always amazed at how far and fast I could go, but I think I really need to push myself to get on a little program.

So I just looked up the Marine Corps physical fitness test and I have come up with thses goals.

1. 75 Push ups (the marines don't seem to have a requirement for push ups, maybe that means infinity what they are shooting for, I took this from the army list instead)
2. 100 crunches in 2 minutes
3. 20 pull ups
4. 3 mile run in 18 min

I am sure it's going to be hard to get myself to this level, but I would like to see how well I could do. The other question remains, why do I care? I'm in decent shape, I can run when I need to without dying, I can do 30 pushups without to much difficulty and in general can get done what I want to when it comes to life in general. I guess it comes down to a desire to be ready for any activity and by doing these basic things I should be able to jump into any new activity with a certain bit of respectability. But I'm still making Alejandro do push ups for forgetting to pull weeds.

From a blog I saw today:

Wow! what goes on in a mans mind when he raises his hand and strikes a woman? does he think that he is superior to her and that makes him more of a man? looking at her after he has hit her and her jaw is out of place and she has bruises on her cheek..makes him a better man? does he think that having the cops called on him isnt what is suppose to be done? does he think that love from the woman replaces all the hurt and pain he has caused her? can he truly say that he loves her when he lays his hands on her?

i ask these quesions becuz my bf put he hands on me last night. hit me across the face becuz i stepped to him. thought that it was justified that when he hauled back and fully hit me in the face that i asked for it. that knocking my jaw out of place and leaving a mark on my face was something that every man does to the woman that he loves. then can sit there and say that it was my fault. that if i wouldnt have stepped to him that i wouldnt have got hit in the face.

so today i have to sit here and i have to try to chew soft foods becuz it hurts when i chew or open my mouth. that my front teeth no longer sit where they are suppose to. that i need to go to the hospital so they can put my jaw back in place.

then when i go home from sleeping at my sisters house with my girls he is there, packing his things. my mom calls the cops becuz he likes to run his mouth. they get there and he runs. whats up with that? cant be a man and stay and talk? and they didnt even want to arrest him. wanted his gun and for him to leave.

so now what am i to do? i love him i do. but he is the first and last man that has ever hit me. i will not put up with a man putting his hands on a woman no matter how much i love him. becuz all the love that i have for him isnt even an ounce of what he has for me.

so a warning to all the ladies on here that send my man things and think that he is good looking with a good body. yes he is and yes he does. but deep down he has problems and needs help. just like every other man out there that likes to put his hands on women!

OK so I happened to see this in a blog posted by a girl I don't know, and don't exactly care to. It just got me going on a rant that I've had before but now with a pretty good example.

When I read this I notice a bunch of things there that piss me off. I first notice that she has a rather poor grasp of spelling and grammar that goes hand in hand with trailer parks. At the very least she seems to be one of these ignorant asses that write with as little intelligence as she uses when she talks. I know when we talk we might be a little lazy and not enunciate most of our syllables but is there any need to show the world how dumb you are by trying to murder the English language by writing that way? What amazes me is that so many people wear this stupidity as a badge of honor, Chris Rock, said "Niggas (I'm not sure I really even agree with the difference between nigger and nigga, I don't think there would be any discernable difference in time it would take to get my ass beat by a black guy using one or the other) love to not know!" Well I think he was sort of right, white trash loves to not know too. One realization I have come to is that no race seems to have the monopoly on stupidity, and that is one of the things that keeps my mind open.

The second thing that struck me in this was the phrase "becuz i stepped to him." I am curious what she means by that. I know in my world that means a fight is imminent. By fight I mean someone is about to kick my ass, and I have a few choices:

1. Run, the best and most reliable for my safety.
2. Talk my way out of it, this is best done if a safe exit is not available since I probably talked my way into this stage and more talk isn't going to help
3. Scare the crap out of him, this means go into my dark place, summon up all the vulgarities and volume I can muster and let fly the dogs of war. This might work since he might believe I know something he doesn't, since no guy this skinny would come back like this if he had any sense. This is best done if you have back up, or if you need to buy time till option 1 becomes available.
4. Swing first, this is obviously the last resort but in my opinion you have to make this decision rather fast because surprise is my only ally in this. If the other party senses its coming then his decision making process will come to the strike first choice also.

So when she says that she was stepping to him, have to make some assumptions here. One, she is an aggressive and physical woman; there was no way this was unprovoked or random. There had to be a serious argument that was going down and she decided that she would take it further. Second, aggressive women tend to like men who are full of pride who are macho. Macho guys protect their pride and masculinity at all costs because that is a vital part of their personality. I know I know, you don't think all women are like this or whatever, I see shit like this go down at bars all the time, and these loud angry aggressive chicks are always getting into it with guys who lettered in ass kicking when they were in high school. I was not one of those guys.

So she stepped to him, I take this to mean she challenged him and maybe even made him think that she was going to hit him. I don't see that she said she hit him in the story she tells but I think there is a good possibility. Let's stay with the assumption she didn't hit him, I'll touch on the other possibility later. So she probably got in his face and made him think she was going to hit him, she seems to have the belief that no man should ever hit a woman, so she should be safe no matter what she said. That is the reason the rule needs to change. Women who want to play with men on their own terms: hitting, swearing, and whatever else should consider that a fight might break out. That's when your 210# 6'0" tall hunk of a man whose muscles you love so much can literally knock you out without breaking a sweat. The no hitting rule comes from a time when women were taught to be demure and quiet, this means that they would never be socially allowed to do or say anything that would warrant being hit. Not so when a stream of obscenities is flowing from her mouth and her arms are flailing like an ass kicking wind mill.

Now as you read on in her little story she talks about how much of a shit head he is and that he ran away when the cops came. That he wasn't really a man. I won't even go into how much I don't want to hear another fucking woman tell me what a man is or isn't. When is the last time you heard a man tell a woman to be a woman? Never. Now, he should have left before he felt he had to hit her, but wanting to stay out of jail isn't surprising so I don't really blame him.

The cops were there to talk and GET HIS GUN? Damn girl you have some balls! As a general rule, I would never say shit to a guy who had a gun. "Your mom is a whore and I fucked her for $0.32!" My response? That's nice, is there any way we can improve your visit next time? That's right, if you have a gun I become a little bitch and will do most anything to deescalate the situation. If I was in a situation where other lives are at stake I hope that I would be noble but who knows, I'd probably cry and shit my pants, and not necessarily in that order.

Lastly, in response your poetic declaration, I doubt this is the last time you will ever get hit by a dude. Studies show that abused women go from abuser to abuser, so think of this as losing your abuse virginity. You will have a long road of emergency room visits and late night meetings with the cops. Why do I think that women like this go from jerk off to jerk off? Because these women love the macho wild bravado of these men and the way it feels to be around them. Also, these women need help in dealing with their own anger and actions that might have something to do with these incidents. I know you might think that I'm siding with the abuser here, I'm not. There are plenty of reasons to hit a woman, that doesn't mean its ok, shit there are reasons to hit anyone (another Chris Rock quote) just don't do it. If you hit a woman, then you are responsible for the punishment that you deserve. The thing is, nobody has ever hit me for no reason. If I look back, there was a reason. In 6^th grade Mark Worthington (I think that was his name) punched me in the head at recess, there wasn't a lot of warning and I remember it as one of the harder hits I've ever received. When I managed to stand back up I was curious to know why he had done such a thing. Turns out the joking around that I had been doing about how I was so tough when we were in the classroom, that I think everybody else took as a pretty good self deprecating joke, wasn't so funny to Mark. He felt challenged by that and figured that I wanted to actually be a tough guy. So after I learned that I had inadvertently insulted him the punch to my head made sense. Mark was about 6" taller than me and probably 75# heavier than me, so what I thought was such a great joke about how I was so tough, didn't sit well with this guy. Now I'm not saying Mark is a bad guy, in fact after he hit me and I explained that I had been joking he was nice enough not to continue to pound me and even said he was sorry. So after the fact, I realized that he didn't hit me for no reason, it just seemed like it while I was lying in the mulch at the bottom of the swings.

I don't pretend to have any answers here; I think the thing that I'm trying to say is this: If you love someone why would you ever get to a place that you could say something to someone or do something to someone that would hurt them like that. I've never hit a girl, and no girl has ever said anything or done anything that has made me want to hit them. If I was so mad, or she did something so horrible why would I stay, and why should anyone else? Does it take a sore jaw to realize you aren't in love anymore? Would you want to be in a relationship that involves fights so heated that violence could break out? Just fucking leave, shitty relationships are a dime a dozen, but a good night's sleep is worth a lot in my book.

As always, check out my blogger site too.

Even though I get more attention when my blogs are about my penis, or my penis has a starring role, I'm going to write about something else today.

Last week I had to fire two guys that work for me. I guess that's redundant since I can't very well fire people who don't work for me. Anyways, if you don't know, I work for a landscape company and I run the lawn maintenance crews. I have almost 15 guys working for me right now, all of them Hispanic. Two are from El Salvador but they don't want anyone to know so they pretend to be from Mexico. I've never understood the rivalry between different groups of Hispanics or other sub groups of races, but it seems to be pretty common.  So while I know it's not exactly correct it's much easier to just say they are all Mexican.

The 2 guys I fired were the remnants of a crew that was lead by a guy who had been a royal pain in my ass all year. In the spring when we needed more people I let crew leader PITA (pain in the ass) bring on their buddies. All year this crew was always a tad behind schedule and they had lots of problems with their equipment. Nothing that was really obvious but lots of little problems none the less. Two weeks ago Mr. PITA decided to give me some attitude and tell me how he was going to do something other than what I asked him to do, and when I asked why, he started getting shitty and just said that's what he wanted to do. So for some reason I just said "Oh hell no!" I had enough of his shit and I was not in the mood to be dictated to by a guy who was already on the shit list. If he had said why he didn't want to work with another crew or been civil I might have let it go and worked out a solution. As it was I talked to my boss and got clearance to send his butt home for the day. When presented with this he said that he was just going to quit. What he might have failed to realize was that he had tried that line too many times before and didn't have quite enough respect from me to get away with it. If you are the type to get an attitude with your boss you need always to remember that you can have a real shitty attitude or get on your bosses case only if you have your shit together, and even then only in small doses.

So I called his bluff and he took his sorry ass home and went to work for a landscape company down the street. Once this guy was gone it seems like there was no longer the same fellowship on that crew like there had been. Well, by the end of the week one of the other crew leaders came to me and told me that the guys remaining on the crew smoked pot on the job. I know it's just landscaping and all and I can't expect altar boys but still when you are working around people's homes and performing what you are claiming to be a high quality service then you have to set standards that don't include that sort of shit. I don't really give a crap if they are smoking rock when they go home.

OK, this is going on way too long. The short version is, Monday the two pot heads give me more attitude but they don't know I know about their smoking. I don't have proof so I can't fire them on the word of a crew leader, or at least I don't think so. But giving me an attitude was enough to piss me off so I went and told them to go get lost. I did this in front of the last crew member remaining from the original, who I feel is a good worker but needed a little motivation. So he witnesses the show down on the job and me firing the guys, and doesn't say much. After I finish with the pot heads I turn to him and say now, are you going to show up on time and work well? He is in shock and we talk a little and from that point on he has been a great employee, if a little more timid.

The point of all this is not to show you how I'm some bad ass or tough boss. It's just that in my life I generally feel like I'm a kid. That I'm basically the same person I was 15 years ago and that people see me as a kid. I think I look the same as I did, and I feel the same way about a lot of things as I did then. In that moment, however, I felt like a grown up, I felt powerful and different. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to be some asshole boss and I realize that the carrot gets much better performance than the stick. I do think that my easy going routine where I do my best never to get worked up with my guys might have led some of these guys to think I was a push over or a wimp. I do think that I gained a little respect by not letting some bullshit drag on and getting rid of guys who were making the whole team look bad. The guys all have a lot of pride in doing a good job and they really do care about it when people aren't pulling their own weight. Actually I am motivated by them more often then by anyone else, I think about how hard they work and that I need to bust my ass to do them justice and show respect for how hard they put out.

I don't know why I feel like a kid and why I don't see myself as an adult. I think maybe it's because so many of the people I know still seem the same to me. We all seem young and look the same, so I guess I don't see myself as growing old, even if the kids who work at the mall think I'm some old dude.

I'm in a shitty mood. I don't usually write blogs when I'm this pissed off but who knows it might make for good reading.

A few weeks ago I met a girl from Myspace, I've done it more than I care to, but since I'm a loser and I don't generally have to balls to make a move on girls in real life I have to do it online. So anyways, I broke my rule about not getting too graphic with girls before I meet them since I think that just makes things awkward when you do meet. We make plans for a date and set the meeting place, borders books. I like a place like this because you can chill out there and talk or go from there to do something else. As a general rule, when meeting girls from online it's best to make the meeting place as close to their home as possible, this helps to make them feel comfortable and more like they have the home turf advantage. So we picked a place that as best I could tell from her zip code was close to her place. Asking a zip code is a great way to fin out where they live while allowing them a certain amount of privacy and safety, besides it makes plugging into mapquest.com pretty easy. So like I said, it was close to her house I think, approximately 15 min. At about 7:00 (the prescribed time) I called to say I would be there in about 5 min, but there was no answer, I figure it's cool she's probably inside and not getting a signal and it's only a few minutes so not a problem. On a first meeting I like to be first and I thing because of the tension you MUST be prompt because everybody is worried about being stood up. When I walked around the whole borders and didn't see her I decided to call and see where she was, it wouldn't be the first time that I couldn't recognize a girl I was supposed to meet when I only had one facial photo (not that kind of facial). She answers and says she will be there in a bit; she had to stop for gas. I expect that means she will be there in about 5 min since it's already 10 after. She arrives after 7:30, and I'm taken back. She looks nothing like her picture. Her body is close but the face doesn't resemble the pic whatsoever, and I'm annoyed. I'm also starving and instead of grabbing a seat and talking for a while I suggest we go next door and get some food, we can talk there and not have to compete with my stomach growling. All the while she crow bars into the conversations very blunt sexual references, mentioning her sex toys, positions she likes, all kinds of shit. It's hard not to just say, she wants to party so lets get it on. I've told her numerous times that I don't have sex with someone I'm not in a committed relationship with, and while fooling around is cool, I really do want a serious relationship but I'm prepared to wait for it.

This means, I want the whole thing, fun in the sack AND companionship. At this point in my life it's a real problem for me when a girl can't spend the night after a good date. I really want that part and I would trade a lot of things for it. Sure I'm a horny dude and I want her naked and I want BJ's, does that mean that sleeping together afterwards and being a good listener are out?

The second date was a few days later, we were supposed to go to a 9:50 or 9:45pm movie. At around 6:30-7 we agreed on the plans and I suggested she come over sooner so we could go to the mall or get some food first. She says I'll be over after 9:15. At 9:40 I call and ask where she is? She had just left the house! WTF! I don't get it. I'm fucking furious and I want to tell her to forget it but my penis knows there will probably be some pickle tickling later so I should roll with it. Since it was late when she got there, I was tired and hungry so I suggested we go get some milk shakes and hang out for a bit. Again more chance to talk. I realize I was in a shitty mood so I was at the point where anything she might say would piss me off.

There is one thing that drives me nuts, I realize I have a weird house/driveway set up and there is a certain rural nature to my street, but she just takes it upon herself to park her car on the grass so I can drive. Maybe I'm nuts but if I go to my friend's house and all the spots are taken I don't just say shit I'll park on the lawn. Again, I don't have Longwood gardens going on here, and I would have probably had her park on the grass anyways to avoid some car shuffling, but still. Ask before you do shit like that. She then gets in the car and comments on the CD case on the passenger seat, I was in no mood to hear some stupid comment about the number of CD's I own. Especially when she acted like the 24 case was some staggeringly huge amount. Again, no reason to get annoyed but I was already at DEFCON 2 so I had to bite my tongue.

The conversation at the Pit wasn't that flowing gregarious type of thing that is the sign of a great friendship or relationship being born, it was the halting difficult one of two people who don't have enough in common or haven't found their rhythm at least. I wanted to ask her to leave after because I knew this wasn't going to work, but my number one weakness took effect. I want to believe that everything is just about to work out and if I hang out a little longer it will go well. It really didn't.

My penis was barely healed from the previous date, and I knew this night was going to be rough on my already sensitive little friend. Girls, I know that you may have seen some guys play with their member in porno or something and it looks like we are going to town. You have to remember that the tally whacker is basically an enlarged clit. Or a clit is a small dick, whichever you prefer. You wouldn't like it if I went down there and treated it like the "A" button on my Xbox controller while I'm playing mortal combat. You don't mash the clit repeatedly nor should you be rough with the controls, think of it like you are going for style points, finesse is a good thing. This isn't just a problem with her; it's a problem with so many girls. I know many guys can be rough with the female playground, and they should learn better. I can't count how many times I've had a sore member after a hook up and wished I had just said screw that let me do it. Again, I'm no Don Juan, I'm sure plenty of my partners had been under impressed by my performance, sorry. I look at foreplay as a test of how good you might be later if things go well. If you are rough and unable to please me with your hands, unwilling or disinterested in using other parts, well then I'm going to figure it's not going to be much different later. The best sexual partners I've had were the ones who were egger to please, attentive, and completely enjoyed every aspect of it.

The very next day there was an unexpected call at a time when she would have been at work, I was going into a movie so I didn't answer it. I assumed that she was calling to talk and maybe make plans for that night but I was already with my friend Tim and I knew there were no friends of hers that could be produced on short notice. Without a friend I wouldn't invite someone so new and 3^rd wheel my best friend. A little while later comes a nasty text message asking why I can't call back. Considering the previous events this is pretty much grounds for immediate dismissal. Actually in years past I would have put up with it, been aggravated but not said anything. The relationship would have ground on for a few weeks, I would have given into the pressure to fuck her, and then tried to come up with a reason to get out, now lamenting how stupid I was for continuing a relationship I shouldn't have started in the first place that only brings me occasional joy.

In a side note, I am a petty pathetic man. I looked at one of my ex's pages the other day and there are pics of her and her bf's trips and stuff and I was pissed off right away. Jealous and angry that I wasn't that guy, that I didn't have a girl to do that with, and mad at myself that I didn't think of doing those things when we were together. Why should I be anything but happy that she is doing well and having a good time? I'm fucked up I know.

So how do I usually get out of these situations? I just fade away. I know it's not exactly the greatest way to but I just don't see how I can tell someone that they don't make me happy without insulting them or allowing them to possibly change my mind. When it comes down to it, when I get to the point of wanting out, there is no discussion. I am done and I need you to go away. I might be childish and weak for not having those talks but I don't see how someone who I've known for such a short time really needs to have a 45 min conversation about why it's not working out, there isn't really an "it" to work out yet. Maybe things would be better if I could turn my sex drive off and only focus on getting to know someone with out fooling around, maybe it would be better if I just called people up and said, "You drive me insane please go away."  I do know that I like the Andy that doesn't put up with shit so much anymore; it's an improvement I think.

The thing is, I can talk to a girl for hours, flirt a little, but just talk and get to know her with out tearing her clothes off. I have done it in the past and I continue to do it. I don't know why things move faster with some than others, it doesn't mean I respect one more than the other. I guess I just need to be more willing to open up to the people when they are leaving my life as well as when they enter it.

also on http://spclagenth.blogspot.com/

I think it's a nicer format and easier to read, but hey what do I know.

I don't think I mentioned in my blogs that a few weeks ago I tried eliminating caffeine from my diet for about a week. I wanted to see what change, if any, I might feel with out it. I typically have soda or iced tea most days in a rather steady stream, so I figured when I happened to go a whole weekend without it and I felt like I was having some sort of withdraw I thought maybe I might feel better or at least different in some way. I didn't really feel any different after that week and realistically I knew that I had neither the desire nor the determination to make this some sort of lifelong thing. I mean you know I am already a pretty picky eater as it is who needs me being unable to drink caffeine. I mean I am actually annoyed with myself a lot of the time when I have trouble picking out things to eat or places to eat it.

Anyways, I was thinking about this experiment and the others I've done with my life in the last few weeks. I think that I'm really searching for a change and I'm trying to use these things as the corner stone that change will be built on. I know I made a pledge to go to therapy at new years, and so far I've not done that. I bounce between believing that there is no way I will come out of therapy without being prescribed drugs that I will more than likely take for a very long time, and the thought that somehow I can affect the change my life needs on my own. I don't doubt the effectiveness of therapy or the drugs that help with these things. I just guess I would like to think that should I put my mind to the task of changing the way I operate, and then maybe I can do it. It's not exactly as if I'm looking to change to a new person, I just want to get back to a lot of the traits I had in college and high school.

I think my reputation for being a hard worker is one that is tarnished lately; well maybe it's not the hard worker part but the being a person that is a finisher. I have had so many projects started here at the house and none have been finished in any sort of a timely manner. I hate that about myself, and I need to change that. I sometimes see how I work on things and I realize that the description of coworker a while back seems to apply to me now. "He works like rabbits fuck." I realize that is a rather vague reference and when I heard it I needed to raise the flag of confusion and get clarification. This is meant to mean that he goes from hole to hole, in no real order. I haven't made a detailed study of the mating habits of rabbits and the only knowledge I do posses on the subject is the anecdotal. A few weeks back I started another project and that was stripping the paint off the extra set of rims that I had for the car. I knew that the bed room wasn't really finished and that there was hardly any work left to get it there, could have spent a few hours working on that and finished it up. I could have finally called that project done and moved on. I didn't I started that project and now all 4 rims sit with 80-90% of the paint removed.

My dad was famous for not finishing projects too. I remember his "lady friend" (as older people tend to refer to their girl friends) saying to me that she was annoyed with this habit and that there was a little bit left on the kitchen project left that he dragged his heels on and she had to prod him to finish. I know that when she talked to me about it then I felt really defensive about it and I didn't want to really hear about it. I thought it was not a big deal and that her theories on why he was that way were way off base. When I look back I still don't think she was right but I think I already knew then that I was my father's son and there would be a time when those things were levied against me. I don't know if part of the reason I have shied away from any sort of entrepreneurial endeavor has been the realization that I probably will leave a lot of people unhappy with jobs undone, or that I figure in the end I'll be tired of the project long before it's completed and getting back to it will be such a chore that I would rather not start.

Along with all of that, is a movie and a book that I have been obsessed with lately. It's called One Man's Wilderness it's a story about a man who packs up his old life as a mechanic among other things, at the age of 52 and moves to a secluded lake in Alaska to build a log cabin by hand. He worked for 3 months and in the end built a small but suitable cabin using nothing but hand tools and his own sweat. This includes a stone fireplace and the furnishings. I have entertained that sort of project for a few years myself and when I saw him do it and what he was able to accomplish I felt the pull even more so. I would love to lead a life that has been boiled down to survival, where the only requirement of my day was surviving till the next. I liken it to my desire to join the military or get a job in Iraq. I think that I am at my best when being tested and that if only I could do something that tested me to that level I might rise to a stature in my mind that I felt worthy of. When it comes to the Alaskan idea, I have also always loved that rugged hand made life that says that you deserve only that what you can make with your own hands. I guess this is in some way an attempt at reevaluating the playing field of my peers, because I feel that in this form of life I might be vastly more prepared for success than many others.

The thing is I would probably be much more successful if I could bring myself to the challenge of success in the things I do everyday. If I could do half the things I start, and do them to completion and in a manner I was proud of, well I know I would be better off for it. There is a guy I know, who might not be my friend but for whom I have a great deal of respect for. He seems to work tirelessly on the projects that occupy his dreams. I look at him and I want to put my head down in shame. Not because I feel I'm so much better than him, but because I could do so much more and I don't. I get a pass from my friends so much of the time for being tired and that being the reason this crap doesn't get done, well the truth be told, I know I could put in the effort required to finish all the things I have started within a month, probably a week if I tried.

That thought in it self depresses me, I look around and see how I could solve these problems and yet I don't do it. I could keep a house that was clean and tidy, but instead dog hair blows across the floor like tumble weeds in the desert. I ask myself why I don't do these things and I can't come up with a reason. I see time slip by and I think that I am wasting the chance I have for something better by lounging around alone lamenting my life. I have access to so many things that could make my station in life better yet when I ask myself what I'm going to do about it I seem to be out to lunch. I think the experiment I should be trying on myself shouldn't be about TV or the net, jerking off, or caffeine. It needs to be if I can make a plan and live by it every day. I need to come home tomorrow and be the man I see in my mind, not the one I see in my reflection.

I was thinking more last night about why I might want to embark on some little quest of self denial in the sexual aspect of my life. I thought about when I was going to Paul Smith's and how back then I seemed to have much more self control and discipline when it came to a lot of the aspects of my life. I did beat the meat pretty frequently but I did do some things that to my inner self seem hard to believe.

I decided that for the start of the spring semester I would get up early and go to the cafeteria everyday and have breakfast. I know that's not a huge revelation by any stretch of the imagination but it was a change that i made in my mind and followed through for a solid semester. Now when i went to UD i completely lost that bit of motivation and was back into the late nights and and late rising. I didn't really have any real reason to cause me to get this idea nor do I really know why I couldn't keep at it when I went to UD. I do know the thoughts that lead me to it namely "There are a lot of things in this world I want to accomplish and if I can't get myself out of bed for breakfast then there is no way i can do any of those things." I realize that is actually the reason, but what I'm wondering is why did I come to that seemingly at random and why did I decide breakfast was endeavor that would shape my life?

I don't know, but this doesn't seem to be going anywhere and it's annoying me for some reason, I'm going to let it go and move on.

On a a different note, I picked up a biography of George Washington the other night and it has turned out to be a very good book. I have to admit I partly picked it because it was one of the shortest biographies on him, and once I started reading it in the cafe it turned out to be a very good read. I am sure it lacks some detail as compared to longer versions but what I like about it so far is that it is written in a way that is much less dry and informational, than I was expecting. Instead it might as well be a novel about a guy in the 1700's. One thing that I have sort of noticed about him, he's sort of a dick. I mean sure he is probably the greatest man of the modern era, but from his dealings with vendors in London and his fellow army officers prior to the revolution it's hard to imagine someone not punching him in the nose. I guess with the threat of being challenged to a duel maybe we would all tolerate a little more rude behavior before we said something.