MySpace


MySpace | > rss | Connexion
Robin

Robin Bolling


Dernière mise à jour : 18/11/2009

> Email
> Message instantané
> Partage avec un ami
> Souscrire

Sexe : Female
Statut : En couple
Age : 23
Zodiaque: Vierge

Ville : Maple Grove
Région : Minnesota
Pays: US
Date d’inscription :: 14/09/2005

Archive du blog
[Plus ancien      Plus récent]
 /  / 
août 17, 2009 - lundi 

Humeur actuelle :  déterminé
Where the heck am I?  Things could be so much worse, sure, but how did I get stuck in this rut?  I need something to happen, something to push me forward (or, rather, to push myself forward).  I would love for that to be college - I think I really screwed that up first time around.  But I don't know what I want to do.  When I think about my future, I don't imagine what I do with my day.  I imagine what I do when my day is done - when I have a home to come home to, a husband and kids to spend time with.  So - housewife?  No fucking way.

I think the issue is that I didn't get a normal start like most.  It's like we're all in a pool, racing to the end.  You can walk until you can't touch the bottom anymore, but I could never touch the bottom.  I had to swim - and now I'm to tired to continue.  Though, it is nice to have someone to tread water with :).

The more I think about it, the more depressed I get.  I have to keep reminding myself that a) I wasn't going to move until I spent a few years living for myself (i.e. buying myself shit, lets be honest), and b) even now we can't afford the move with what we've got.  I was so alright with this in the beginning, especially because I wasn't in any hurry to be Serious Relationship Girl again, and I had made my rule about my role in raising Marissa (i.e. minimal role) (which turns out to be fair, since Bret has the same rules for Tristen's husband John.) But I want more - I want something to happen.  Being a 20-something really sucks. 

So I'm going to do the responsible thing - replace my laptop.  I couldn't leave my job until spring anyway (well I could, but I wouldn't do that to them), and can't really afford to move while I'm working here, since summers are so unpredictable. 

I'm just worried that I'll never be un-stuck.


8:01  
2 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire
juillet 24, 2009 - vendredi 

Humeur actuelle :  incompris
It's amazing how one piece of information can be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I was talking to my grandma about my birth certificate (I am having issues with getting my SS card corrected) and mentioned that it's weird that my dad isn't on it (though, there no doubt that he *is* my dad - I'm a Bolling to the core).  My grandma goes "oh, yeah your mom did that on purpose.  She was mad at him because he didn't show up to the hospital when you were born."

So this, on top of various tidbits about his attitude and behavior up in Morris when Tanya and B visit, piled more on top of about 6 years of needless fuckery, and I kind of just lost it. 

I am the only person who completely puts up with his shit - and doesn't expect anything in return.  He has abandoned me, gotten me evicted out of an apartment, stolen from me, and used me to get to my mom, and I've never so much as gotten pissed at him.  Largely because growing up, he was the parent I felt safe with.  He was the one who protected me from my mom's crazy drug problems and escapades (mostly), and up until I was in high school it seemed that even though he was irresponsible, he always had my best interests at heart.  I was always a daddy's girl, through and through.

I've done my best to make it clear that I don't care about the past, that I care more about being able to have contact with my dad every once in a while.  And it has become clear that he makes the conscious choice - as he did the night I was born - to not be there. 

My dad turns 50 this September.  I was hoping to plan to spend a weekend up in Morris with him (which is difficult, with Bret's birthday being just two days after) to celebrate.  But why should I put forth the effort for someone who hasn't even remembered my birthday for the past two years, maybe more? (I don't remember).  This isn't a part time job - and it sure isn't that damn hard (I've been self-sufficient since I was 16, thankyouverymuch.  I'm definitely more self-sufficient than both my parents.)

And people say "ohhh at least you know who your dad is!" or "at least you had those good years as a child."  And yeah, I'm lucky for both those things.  But frankly, I think the worst thing is to grow up to be a pretty spectacular person (I don't mean that to be vain, but considering my upbringing there's a general consensus that I turned out pretty damn good) and to suddenly have your dad decide that you're not worth his time.  And I can't write it off as "oh dad's just depressed" anymore, because he's better of now than he's been since he ditched me in that Chaska apartment.  And when the whole world is full of fuckery, you would think that you would hold on to the one person who has always stuck by you no matter what - your daughter.

So, Fuck That Noise.  I'm done trying.
1:46  
3 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire
mai 11, 2009 - lundi 
I keep things. I'm kind of a sentimental pack-rat.  I can't really help it - I just don't like to let things go.  You never know when you're gonna go back and read something just to cry a little.

I feel like I have lived so many different lives, rather than just the one ever-changing one.  My life feels so very disjointed.  Like, pieces of a puzzle that don't quite fit together. 

When I'm feeling sad, I used to sit and watch the movie Thirteen.  Now, I like to watch the episode of Dr Who called Doomsday.  Cry like a baby.
2:46  
2 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire
mai 5, 2009 - mardi 
Ok, I lied. I don't regret the past year and a half or wish it hadn't happened.  I regret being a fuck up, yes.  I also regret letting my emotions guide me too much. (I also shouldn't blog while emotional, because I think people take me way too seriously sometimes.)

So I've decided that today is day 1.  I'm done dwelling on the past things that I wish I could change. Because I can't.  I'm gonna keep moving forward and making the best of things, enjoy what I've got, be as nice as I can and hopefully not hurt anyone in the process .  Sure, I'm sad about a lot of things, but I've gotta try and make the best of it.  Especially because the past 22 years have had some great stuff happen too!

And, just cuz I like to share stuff, some things I've learned over the past couple of years:

~ I'm kind of a bitch.  No,  I swear on the 5 bibles I own that this isn't supposed to be snarky.  I can be maniuplulative and bitchy if I'm not careful. I can also explain my way out of (or rationalize) virtually anything.  I thought I had kind of gotten over it during the time I spent single, but it crept back in towards the end of my relationship with John.

~ I'm 22.  Seriously! True story.  I've kind of always felt old for my age, and it really bogs me down.  I always feel like I have to take care of people.  But I don't!  It's my own fault, because I like to be in control.  So, I'm not anymore.  I'm saving money, sure, but I'm also doing things for myself.  It's really fun!

~ There are 2 sides to every story.  This is probably the hardest thing for me.  I always assume I know *everything* about a situation.  But then I'm suprised.  This was made evident in meeting and talking to Rose :).  I had so many assumptions about her that were just ignorant and sad, and she turned out to be such a blessing in my life :)

~ Not everyone reacts to things the way I think they should - and that's ok!

~ Oh, and I'm a liberal. And maybe a bit of a feminist. (I say "a bit" because I'm sure if I called myself just a Feminist, people would get mad and call out all the un-feminist things I do.)

That's all I can think of for now.
5:21  
2 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire
avril 29, 2009 - mercredi 

Humeur actuelle :  incompris
The biggest pain in the world is being forgotten.  I really didn't want to have to pretend that the last year and a half never happend, but it looks like I'm going to have to if I'm going to cope.  Since I apparently meant nothing to him at all, it must have all been a lie.  I can deal with moving on, but I cannot deal with being forgotten.  It hurts so much - I feel like such a fool.  I can't let this go and it's fucking my mind up hardcore.  He said to me, a while ago, "I honestly hate you and want you out of my life forever."  But he still loves me despite what I did, he said in that same convo.  How can you love someone and hate them at the same time?  Am I a bad person for not loving someone who pushed me away, and faked a persona for an entire year?  I don't want love or hate, I just want normalcy.

It'll get better with time I'm sure, but in the interim I'm just trying to deal with it.  The reason it's so hard is because I know for a fact (he told me) that nothing of this effected him at all. We had that huge blowout fight where he deleted all my friends and blocked me online and everything, and when we talked again he said that he hadn't even thought about it.  He doesn't care.  I was obviously dupped, and meant nothing to him.  And no matter what happens, I sure hope that isn't true.

And now its like... I've pretty much had to come to terms with never getting to see the people I met through him again.  It's awkward to even talk to them, to leave a comment on facebook or something.  Like I have no rights to these people or something.  Or like I'm imposing.  I really miss when things were civil.  And I really hate the internet.

If this is the way things have to be, I would rather this past year and a half hadn't ever happened.  Because sadly, I feel that even if I hadn't fucked up, this whole blowout still would have happened. 

And now that I've spilled all this out, I feel much better.  Thanks, Internet!

[um, maybe you could enjoy the relationship you're in if you weren't worrying about someone who doesn't care about you.]  Shut up, self! I don't need your smugness!
Actuellement j'écoute:
It's Not Me, It's You
Par Lily Allen
Date de publication : 2009-02-10
3:46  
1 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire
avril 23, 2009 - jeudi 
This past weekend, we stayed at Leroy's house in Hancock while bar hopping in Morris. It was one of those awesome old houses where everything wood (except the floor, usually) is painted (even the stairs) and some of the windows are stained glass for some reason. Every time I would go upstairs the smell of the house was so familiar. It wasn't a product of the people there, it was a product of the house. I still can't remember where it was familiar from, though, and it upsets me. And now I can't remember the smell anymore. But I was reminded of how far away my entire past seems.

I don't think I enjoy calm waters. Figuratively, or realistically. A calm lake on a windless day is just begging me to throw a rock in it and make ripples. I think that's how I function in life, unintentionally. When things are too good, I want to mess shit up. Though, that could be a product of the inevitable bad thing that happens between good things. That's just the way life rolls. Maybe it's more like, I know someone is going to throw a rock in that lake and ruin the calm, it might as well be me. I wouldn't necessarily call myself self-destructive, yet. But I'm getting into one of those funks I get where I want to make mistakes. It feels like my level of rebellion against myself is directly inverse to the level of dysfunction my day-to-day life has. To keep things consistent, I guess.

I think, deep down, I like change and chaos. I cannot name a time in my childhood where things were solid and made sense. All my memories are chaotic - moving every year, my dad in and out, other men my mom dated, different schools, living with my aunt twice (the first of those times, moving out of her husband's place and into her boyfriend's house in Cologne), drugs, alcohol... chaos everywhere. Even after moving out... my life, it just has so much chaos. I think my brain flips out when things are calm, and pushes to destruct.

Sometimes I can't tell the difference between things that are genuinely bad, and things that I make bad.

I would love to live an entire day without 'what ifs'. I want to be completely selfish, and just do. I wish people's happiness didn't depend on my actions. I can't handle that kind of responsibility. I only regret the things that people patronize me for.

I'm jealous of people who don't seem burdened by their own existence. The kind of folks who will read this and go "Jesus, she thinks too much." I used to be that way.
5:04  
0 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire
janvier 26, 2009 - lundi 
So I had a pretty crazy dream last night about a guy.  (I firmly believe that dreams say *something* to us about how we feel inside but it is not always implicit - meaning that just cuz I had a dream about this guy doesn't mean that I want him back in my life).  This guy is no longer in my life, because he is a tool and treated me like crap and I was too stupid to notice.
So me and the tool are at this shindig with friends, and we talk about being together again. (I am NOT engaged in this dream.)  The tool says (nicer than he ever would) "I dont understand why you think this is a bad idea."  I say: "It is a bad idea because you always leave me."  He says "I won't leave you, I love you very much."  And I felt so very safe.
And I wake up feeling so sad, not because of the tool, (my life has been infinately better w/o him in it), but because that dream spoke so strongly to who I am.  The love I feel for people is, in the simplest sense, based on the love I receive.  I know this makes no sense, especially if you know who this tool is and how much he *did not* care for me, because I definitely gave more than I received in that relationship and friendship.  But other way around - I gravitate towards those that care about me the most.  I guess it's a feeling of security - being with someone who you know loves you and cares about you.  But it's hard to break out of that mold and discover how I truly feel about someone, when I'm clouded by safety.  I guess it's sort of a defense mechanism but I feel like in and of itself it makes me an unhealthy person.
I guess this means that the odds of me being with someone who really doesn't love me are pretty slim, but at the same time I feel like it's a pretty shitty way to deal in life.  And it isn't about "I don't love you anymore because you no longer love me."  That is a perfectly justifiable stance.  It's more like... "I don't feel you love me as much as so-and-so, so I'm going over there to enjoy the greener grass."
I feel like I'd be jumping fences forever.
Actuellement j'écoute:
The Story
Par Brandi Carlile
Date de publication : 2007-04-03
8:03  
0 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire
septembre 2, 2008 - mardi 
So for the first time since I was in high school, I got to really celebrate my birthday on my birthday, at home, with decorations and balloons and a cake and the whole shebang. Actually, not since I turned like 16 cuz my mom's husband Ron's birthday is the day before mine, and they'd always go out and get smashed then be too sick to celebrate my birthday. Boo on that.

But yeah, I was at home for like 3 days, we had ice cream cake, and Ron had rehab the night of his birthday (haha sucker). Everything was actually amazing. Thursday night, John and I went to the new Sonic in Savage. What an adventure. My mom and I spent almost all day Friday together, and John and I had pizza and pop in the suite together that night :) Saturday was STATE FAIR DAY with John and Heidi. So freaking awesome! That night we went to Heidi's, with Barett in tow, and sat around at Heidi's drinkin beers and telling jokes. And Sunday, John's family had a picnic at their neighborhood beach. So all in all I had a fantastic birthday.

There were a couple of rainclouds - both of them being men. haha. Ron came home on Friday at 2 p.m. completely shitfaced. Which is fine at first cuz he's super funny, but then he got cranky and started acting like a jerk, so John and I left pretty quick. It was kind of humiliating. Apparently he feels really guilty about it - he should. I was pissed. Happy birthday me.

Raincloud 2 was my dad. Who I haven't heard from since Uncle Dan's 50th bday party back in June, after which he stood me up for a lunch date. I wrote him a letter about a month ago, and still nothing. I lost his number, though I feel like he's not living there anymore anyway. And as much as I love aunt Pam, I a) think its rude to call someone just to get info on someone else, and b) just don't feel like talking to anybody I guess. I'm kind of a turd. But regardless, this is the first time in my life that my dad has completely bypassed my birthday. *shrug*

But yeah, that's life. No full time job yet. Just enjoying day by day I guess. I kinda miss NWC. *gasp*
1:50  
4 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire
juillet 30, 2008 - mercredi 
I do not believe in divorce.
(haha do you KNOW my family?)

My mom ran off and got married w/o telling anyone back in like 1983 to some douchebag named Tom in SoDak. (Little did we know this would be a trend for her, haha). I was concieved in 1985 and not by Tom, so do the math there.

My mom is now married to another douchebag named Ron. Now, I hate this guy. I don't hate people, its not my style. I hate him though. Prolly cuz he punched me in the face once. But lately... he's been... nice *horke*.

So like, if he wasn't an alcoholic, I would really encourage my mom and him to work things out (we're all pushing for divorce now). 'Specially cuz I'm quite fond of my stepbro. He's a good kid.

I guess where I'm coming from is that you shoudn't marry somebody like that. Sad and unfortunate when things surprisingly turn out that way, but usually there are red flags way before "I do". And I think that saying "I Do" in spite of those red flags is a commitment to stick through it dispite them, or to work through them. (Cuz sometimes red flags aren't that big, they're more like little red frilly toothpicks, or pinwheels).

I guess my stance on divorce is more preventative than anything else. Don't marry somebody that you'd divorce. (Though in no way am I saying that anybody deserves to be stuck in an abusive marriage.)

The thing is, marriage is not perfect. The all-wise prof Terry Talley once told me that marriage does not solve any problems. In fact, marriage is likely to exacerbate or bring forth problems that were hidden. So its a big deal, this commitment.

I know I'm young and stupid. And yeah, John and I have a few problems in our relationship. But its nothing that I"m not willing to work through, as is he. I know that when I'm 35 I'll look back and say "yeah, we prolly could have waited to get married" (hopefully "prolly" won't still be in my vocab :P ) But I'm ok with being young and stupid. And I know that this, despite the issues and this past week of pure hell, is worth it.

It frustrates me when people get divorced b/c they're bored of each other. (again, not judging). If you're getting married only for love, you're out of luck. Marriage, relationships, they take work.

/rant

I'm getting married to the best guy on the planet. YAY!
(p.s. thats my ring :D )

7:36  
1 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire
juin 30, 2008 - lundi 
Yesterday, while I was waiting to go to work, I decided to go through some stuff I have crammed in this random box, and get it all put away. People who know me will know that I save greeting cards. I pretty much have every card I've ever gotten since about the 5th grade. I'm kind of lame, I know.

So, my card box remained at my mom's while I was in college, so I just had this heaping pile of cards I got while at NWC. When I went to put them in the box, I couldn't resist reading some of them, and I realized how much I miss the way things were my first and second year, and last summer. I love my roommates, don't get me wrong, but we're still getting to know each other and things are still a tad weird.

I came across the barrage of cards I got for my 21st, when I had just moved back to the dorms and left the apartment to Steph, Jan, Brit and Maggie. And I remembered last summer and how, even though it was pretty low key, there were many a good time. (Like when the power went out and it got super hot in our room, so Steph and I had a camp out on the living room floor.)

I live up here in Maple Grove and I love it. It's really a nice area, John works right down the street, and I like my p/t job, and even though I'm really stressed, I guess I'm happy. But I really am lonely. Krystle's birthday is the weekend after the 4th of July, and I probably can't go to her party because I'll be so broke (I have no idea if my mom is really going to give me gas money when I go down for the 4th... its hit or miss with her).

We had this family get together last Saturday for uncle Dan's 50th, and well who really needs an excuse :) It was so wonderful to be with so many people that I love, and I even brought John so he could see why I am the way I am ;). My dad came, and he was going to come up the next day and take me out to lunch (Grove is on the way out of the metro for his trip home)... but I haven't heard from him since.

I guess that really bummed me out in a way that I still haven't been able to shake. I'm lonely, I need to have more to do =]. I'm alone with my thoughts too much.
5:52  
0 Comm.
(Ajouter un commentaire) |
Traduire