Hey - I'm on tour, bitches!!!!

I've got a professional reputation to maintain in music and business circles so it's not like I can go running my mouth like a chainsaw whenever I like.

Except here, of course, I can say what I like, so I take great pleasure in doing just that. It's a good way to get it all out.

So I'm on tour!

I dragged my ass to my meeting with Red Bull Friday morning worse for wear having already kicked off the hometown tour opener at Coherent the night before, then I get the call that the Palmy gig that night has been canned because past it US R&B act K-ci + JoJo have finally turned up on 24 hours notice to do a show they were booked to do earlier in the year at the same venue.

As I mentioned, I'd already clocked the situation and had double booked myself. Have to be up pretty early to run one on old Matt.

So this club I'm playing in Palmy is tiny. The Aussie DJ I'm touring with jumps up at 10am and starts rinsing ghastly 90's Techno - sending everyone running for the door, including the guys in the bands, who all piss off back to the hotel. The bar maid is cute, but I end up hitting on this chick who says she's just got out of prison or some shit . . .

I jump on the decks and manage to bring some of the ladies back in the place with sexy liquid drum'n bass vibes just to have the australian fucking techno viking jump on and scare them all away again, with no clue that he's not playing some 90's fetish superclub in Melbourne, he's playing a fucking shoebox in Palmerston North. Hot bar maid tells me my set was "so good" so I get her number and sink some piss with the manager.

By this point word is already getting round town that K-ci & Jojo refused to perform and smacked over the bar manager from the other venue who I'd been on the phone with earlier.

Aussie DJ complains about how rough the crowd is, citing the fact that the toilet has been completely taken apart. He later tells me he dropped his ring down there.

"I had to get my ring back, man!"

I get back to the hotel to find the band guys have taken all the beds, meanwhile Aussie DJ wont fuckin shut up. Apparently I've got a reputation in melbourne for being a killer DJ/Producer but I'm a "loose unit".

Oh you mean I talk smack about people on the net??? HAHAHA

Just when I think it can't get any better . . .

I'll just cut to the chase. After telling me he was into the gay scene (I thought he meant making money promotion gay dance parties, I was wrong) He started laying a full mack down on me.

"You're so lovely, Matt. I can't believe anyone would say you're dodgy. I think you're a real lovely guy."

It made my stomach turn. The main reason being . . . the sickening soft little voice he used on me.

In years past I used to use that same sickening little voice to make my move on chicks at the end of the night to tell them " . . . you're so beautiful . . ."

"I think you're a really special girl . . ."

EWWWWWWW

no wonder I never used to get laid.



Part 2 - wanganui - coming soon!!!!

 

I just wanted to quickly tell you guys that I am back in the pirate game.

if you're a marketing genius like me, selling stuff is not the hard part.

It's finding stuff to sell. Preferably stuff that will make the most money.

I'm often thinking:

"Hmmm. What can I sell that will make me shitloads?"

That's when I decided to start dressing up as a pirate and doing kids birthday parties.

I shit you completely not.

I used to do it for a job while I was at uni.

The people I worked for charged me out at $150 p/hour, of which I got $50.

 

In the end I got the sack as at the time i was like 20, and I was also DJing til like 6 in the morning the night before and turning up to work still high on whatever drugs I was taking at the time.

One time after a hard night some kid threw a grapefruit at me and gave me a fat lip.

Loudly I exclaimed in front of the whole party

"FUCK!"

But yeah. I can tell you a lot of stuff about that time but i know for most of you reading makes your head hurt.

Now, adjusted for inflation over 6-7 years, I'm charging $200 p/hour and also drastically improving customer service.

My old boss was an old soak who was pissed off her skull half the time.

And yeah so . . . I've already got my first job and I havent even been trying!!!!

I'm off to tell pirate stories, sing pirate songs and play pirate games at a 5 year olds birthday party for $200 p/hour!

I'll let you know how it goes.

Matt's kitchen is not that great.




Matt's cousins are pretty grotty. Last night it was tacos. Butter Chicken the night before. Fry up before that. I think there were some eggs involved.




I can tell you this because the evidence is all still on display.





But I can make you a sandwich.




I have mozzarella, olives - thats olive grove so you've got both kalamata and green stuffed olives, coral lettuce, marinated feta, cottage cheese, cream cheese, pesto, hummus, avocado, tomatoes, tomatoe paste, pickles, I got some wicked relish from my uncle some indonesian shit its mad tasty.




I ate all my special pasta sauce. The making of the Matt pasta sauce is like a religious event, next time I literally wanna make buckets of it.





I could probably make a pizza or a pita melt, but I don't think the pita's are fresh.




In fact I don't have any fresh bread either, and there's no decent bakery open now.




And in Matt's kitchen you gotta keep shit fresh.




A sandwich on yesterday's bread is an abomination in the eyes of the lord.




So it's back to the menu.




I don't know any decent Pizza joints any more, that's why I make my own.




You gotta grill the crust lightly before you put on the toppings otherwise you get that soggy uncooked vibe going like pizza hut.




Then it's just oregano and you dont stop. You just don't.





Last night, early in the week is a good night for curry. I'm a masala man, but if I'm feeling a little glamourous, I'll go for a Paneer Masala at Bolliwood. But if I choose to take the path less trod and remain humble like the mahatma Gandhi, then I will go for a Chinna Masala at Sage's in point Chev. That's a hearty Curry.





But basically I'm obsessed with Taco's. I couldn't stop going back to Taquira on Ponsonby road because its so hard to get a delicious taco these days.




But their taco's were gross! Persistantly I attended trying different taco's to work out why they were gross until i discovered they got these baked kinda capsicum onion things goin on

you don't want that shit.




They have like, exotic girls working there. But you don't want that vegetable stuff.




I did used to go to the foodhall because despite being a food hall this mexican joint did actually have some class. but one time I order vegetarian taco's and got spicy potato and mushroom filling and basically i've been seething about my lack of bean action ever since and no spicy rice pyramid can fix that.






I've eaten too much supermarket sushi and now i'm allergic to bad sushi.




And Turkish, forget it. doesn't even enter the equation. Long since given up looking for a decent Fulafel that wasn't old and greasy.


Where would you even find a decent Borek?



Thats it i'm getting a fuckin taco

"shit" is no longer a bad word.



The word "shit" is now fully printed in the Herald.





I also wanted to tell you about some of my latest clients. I'm working for some drag queens now for a start, but Prince Al is still my favourite.



There's a video of him on the Red Carpet all

"So how do you know Lil Wayne?"

"Uhh oh I don't I just came here with my friend.

"

Still got his shades on probably coked out.



HAHAHAHA all class

He decided he wanted to be a music industry guy too which is pretty sweet because as it turns it means I've got some dude running round Hollywood getting business for me.



But my favourite thing about Prince Al is still his single, "Wanna C U Naked.

"

Complete lyrics as follows:

Chorus:

Wanna see you naked
(run your body girl)
Wanna see you naked
(run your body girl)


Verse:

Wanna see you naked
Wanna see you naked
Wanna see you naked
Wanna see you naked naked naked naked

Chorus (repeat)

Verse (repeat)


and uhhh so on.





I love the music business.




I'm kinda gonna need some assistance here. But you know how much I like money so I'm talking about like some youthsss cos I don't pay shit.




Come on it's the music industry it's glamourous. I'll give you a Bleeders CD.




Don't worry if you send your little brother along to me I won't make him into porn. Much.



Well you said you wanted to be a star??? It's okay. I know a good plastic surgeon.

So I was on facebook.





- You can’t keep a good cyber stalker down -

There’s this guy I owe payback to for something that happend way back, so I was stalking away on facebook, hunting him down like a dog for the pain he visited upon my people, to y’know, strike him down and rain great vengeance upon him.





Nothing illegal! You don’t have to break the law to put people in misery.






(another good reason to be successful - paying back those who brought you suffering in kind. And no I don’t mean ex’s. Sheesh. I mean like thieves, perverts and attackers. Bad guys.



)


when I notice - because I barely know how to use the fuckin thing - some hottie all messaged me last year about blah blah blah myspace did you have a good time at the gig last night rah rah rah . . .





- Green lights mean go -

and I’m like oh HOT

click on her . . .



on her pic

to see her profile to see if she’s single . . .





My options are:

1 - Add to friends
2 - Message
3 - View friends


No, you don’t understand me. I want to see her profile. I want to see if she’s single.





FACEBOOK, WHAT ABOUT "SEE IF IS SHE SINGLE?"

WHAT ABOUT FUCKING LOOK AT HER PROFILE TO SEE IF SHE’S SINGLE.





FACEBOOK, THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.






I’m astounded.

How much do I hate that website?

I’m on this whole colonisation of space trip.




My mate’s always going on about how the world is headed for disaster.



Me, I’m pretty confident in technology. The internet is making the global community a reality.



That’s why I hate hippies protesting about GE and nuclear power. Where mature (green) free market societies can rise so GE and nuclear power will not be used by white corporate fucks to fuck poor peoples asses . . . it’ll save our asses.



If we run out of oil we’ll synthesize it with biofeul.

If we run out of water making biofeul we’ll synthesize it with nuclear powered desalinators (y’know so we can water plants with the sea and stuff)

But all those poor people overseas will keep starving! We seriously need more condoms. Thats not a joke.



Things will probably get a bit nasty in our lifetimes, but we’ll get through. And with the advances in genetics . . .

what if people born in the 20th century were the last humans to die? That’d suck!

Then it’s off to space.



You know those ultra feminists how they don’t need men, y’know the "as long as there’s sperm on ice then we’re good without men" types?

Well, I just bummed out.




Boys won’t be going to colonise space. We’ll take up too much room. Way more room than a sperm bank. It’ll just add to the cost and damage to the atmosphere when you launch extra shit into space, in this case, like dudes.




Chicks will colonise space.




See THERE’s a movie I might be interested in watching. Like hot chicks on Saturn and aliens and stuff.




Well I’m still going to space before I die. Look down on the earth. That will be a trip.



Literally. By the time I get to that age I’m going to liberally self medicating. Dying of old age will be considered so 21st century.



But then I’m just going to upload to my brain and like chill. Then email it to the girls out on the moons of Saturn we’re they’ll have grown me a nice clone to download my brain into.



SWEEEEEEET



YES TONIGHT WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE ITS TWO THOUSAND AND NINETY NINE!!!!

All done last night!

My cat, me being an Emo and manifesting into a being of supreme power down britomart + an electro kinda indie rock tune I made with my mate last year.



More to come!

Matt’s 1st Video Blog 29/3/08
..


Finally Matt makes his very first video blog!!!

After unsuccessfully attempting to entice friendly but un cooperative house pet Steve the Cat in to cutesy animal video fun, the team set off to town to see if Emo is still funny, leading to a chance traffic light encounter with actor Robbie Magasiva, who famously tipped me in a rubbish bin as witnessed in the feature film "Sione’s Wedding".



Robbie was able to speed off and despite the team rolling in the beamer in a manner that would surely outpace the lowly paid actor in his stationwagon, I chose to let him go.



After loosening up a little at the viaduct, Matt takes full emo flight leading to the discovery of a strange and powerful cave where he attempts to manifest into a omnipotent supreme being and rampage across Auckland in revenge for not getting laid that much during university.



Unfortunately security swoops in at the key moment and prevents the awesome supreme manifestation and ensuing rampage from being filmed.



Matt rampages to the top of the escalator before realising his team have been subdued, and the moment left tragically undocumented - matt soon discovers that dressed as a 15 year old emo his usual unassailable confidence offers him no favours this night with the ladies.



This video blog features the song "Scene Fuck (live jam)" which was written and recorded live over a year ago by Matt and his friends featuring Aidan Sine from Catguts.

Why do girls do surveys???

I have met some amazing chicks here in my time on myspace.

Intelligent women. Creative women. Beautiful women.

But they just can’t stay away from those dumb surveys where they tell everyone all these boring trivial minute details of their mundane lives!!!

Is it a deep genetic impulse known as the cleo/cosmo reflex?

Not a lot of research is available on the subject.

(ie by googling "why do girls do myspace surveys") 

But it has been mooted that chicks are very much into "self discovery" and learning about "who they really are".

See I already know I’m smarter than most people I meet it’s just up to me to make more money and date more models to prove it - oh and of course to present this ultra rationalised shallow facade to the world and see who buys it.

but this bulletin isn’t about that.

It’s about another funny old thing I’ve noticed, I even do it myself.

Look at your comments. Especially your PCs.

Have you noticed how often people say the same thing as others without even thinking?

For example:

One person says "Hey Matt, cool pic, nice hair, blah blah . . .  "

the chances that the next people to comment will start with the word "hey", will use the adjective "cool" or mention my "hair" is dramatically increased.

I dunno, maybe people don’t really think that much.

Or they tend to treat their brains as a sponge for soaking things up and squeezing them out, rather than a muscle and working it. 

See if you notice what I’m talking about.

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Things have a funny old way of working out.

 

Though people who know me know sometimes I wear eyeliner for cheap thrills, on the whole I like to be a winner which means I don’t really take an interest in poor people, ugly people, stupid people and particularly . . . boring people and thier problems.

 

But we’ve all got tests to face. I’ve been meaning to blog about my recent religious experiences.

 

You see growing up in grey lynn I was taught from a young age that it’s okay for a man to put his penis up another man’s bottom, that voting national is wrong no matter how much you earn, and that believing in god is for uneducated people.

 

It is said that a man is really two men.

 

The man he is and the man he wants to be.

 

The man I want to be would probably date more models, but more importantly, wouldn’t have missed the awesome party last night.

 

But we all have tests to face and challenges to overcome. It is the will of the universe.  The idea that the will of the universe is an old man who has a beard and sits on a cloud is obviously the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard.

 

Sometimes you have to miss an awesome party in order to maintain your commitment to becoming, superior, smug, and dating more models.

 

Is it destiny, is it the will of the universe, is it some dude with a beard?

What’s the difference?

 

Things have a funny old way of working out.

Sometimes you work out and do your crunches to some driving drum’n bass.

 

Sometimes you put on some indie and think about a girl you used to know.

 

Sometimes you pump up an 80’s power anthem and punch the air because you’re a winner.

 

 

 

We’re following up on recent goat rape news with this wombat-strikes-back report.

 

 

A ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />NEW Zealand man has been sentenced to community work after telling police he was raped by a wombat and the experience had made him speak "Australian".

 

Arthur Ross Cradock, 48, from the South Island town of Motueka, called police on February 11 and told them he was being raped at his home by the wombat and he needed help, The Nelson Mail newspaper reported.

 

The orchard worker later called back and said: "Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right, you know."

 

Cradock pleaded guilty in the local court to using a phone for a fictitious purpose. He was sentenced to 75 hours’ community work.

 

Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a large role in Cradock’s life.

 

 

oh the questions that remain . . . how did he get caught???

Was it a boy or a girl goat? was the goat underage? Pretty shabby journalism really.

I mean seriously. HOW did he get caught?

Did someone say to the goat . . . "show me on this doll where the man touched you?"





Final name suppression was granted today to a North Canterbury man who admitted trying to have sex with a goat.

In Rangiora District Court, Judge Brian Callaghan ordered the man, who turns 69 tomorrow, to undergo two years of intense supervision.

Judge Callaghan said the behaviour was "unusual, perverse and depraved" but his family, including the man’s wife, continued to support him and publication of his name would negatively affect any chances of his rehabilitation.

"It is unfortunate that cases of this nature, the way things are, attract overwhelming media publicity," the judge said.

"There is no doubt a prurient interest (in the case) that people will want to read about. Unfortunately that is human nature."

He said he believed the man’s wife was "bearing the greatest burden here".

The judge noted the man’s previous sexual offending against pre-pubescent girls more than 20 years ago, which, he said, might explain why he chose an animal to satisfy his sexual urges.

"You are a sad case, really," Judge Callaghan said. "This is such perverse and depraved behaviour it reflects a person of enormous deficiency in personality."

At his earlier appearance the court was told the man believed he would not get caught because "animals couldn’t talk" and he would not be "told on".

He had pleaded guilty then to the charge of attempting to commit bestiality with a goat.

Police said the man admitted taking the goat to the rear of his small lifestyle property in a rural township and trying to have sex with it.

After the unsuccessful attempt, the man did up his trousers, patted the goat and walked off.

"He was contrite but said he was unable to stop the behaviour," the police prosecutor said.

Urging Judge Callaghan to grant final name suppression, lawyer Andrew McCormick said the man had "significant personal problems", was unsophisticated, and as an "untreated sex offender" was at a high risk of reoffending.

When the public became aware of earlier offending against children he’d been "run out of town" and suffered regular beatings.

He’d suffered the "full spotlight of the public" and believed he was a prisoner in his own home, fearful of going out because of public hostility.

The man also suffered from a number of medical conditions, including sexual dysfunction.

"If this man’s identity is before the public, he and his family would become pariahs in the community," Mr McCormick said.

Judge Callaghan noted the maximum penalty for similar offending had been reduced from life imprisonment at the turn of the 20th century to one of 3-1/2 years.

But he said he believed a jail sentence was not warranted despite the "niggling issue of sexual offending against young females over 20 years ago".