Reposting from the T.U.E. ~

Chapter 138 ~ ...no seriously, Cupid definitely rhymes with Stupid for a reason

*sigh* Alright. Another rant.

Why in this entire freckin' world does it gladly seem that, hell-O! my distant regulars that I haven't seen in a while take more time to say "Hey Sunshine! how ya doin' sweetie?" than my current sweetie to even say one single "Thank you, love you too!" despite the many "Good Morning!" texts I bother to even send him!?

And then, for those who don't know, I have AIM. My status last night was, "*sigh* Back to the depths of hell for Friday and Saturday. Four weeks to go..." So Siren texts me going, "what i do?" Siren, if you're reading this, concerning your "what i do?" question, it was nothing you did wrong. Only four more weeks until I get to see you again.

But then again... what else could you have done?

You probably were too busy in which I felt it wasn't worth calling you when I needed someone to listen to Wednesday night while I recovered from a workday from hell. I just felt it wasn't worth the attempt when I couldn't even hear from you.

Don't get me wrong--you have no idea how happy I am for you and your internship. I really, truly am proud of you.

*sigh* The most I can do is to simply encourage you from a distance. But sometimes I even wonder if it's worth the effort. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth trying when odds are you're busy with life in Iowa.

I love you... even when my heart's been breaking a little.



I wonder if you could ever read this... I wonder if this could ever get through to you, just like every other chance I try to tell you I love you...



...I need to go eat dinner and go to bed. Something's gotta give.

Until the next round--hopefully in better spirits--cheers.

Reposting in its entirety from my Trans-Underground Express blog--

Personal note to all Underground readers:
To be honest, it's been a helluva week and, in general, past 8 months. I have a lot on my mind, kind-of in tears at the moment as I'm picking myself up again. However, I will make this clear:

If I upset, offend or otherwise disturb any of y'all with what I'm about to say, I apologize in advance. I just have so much to get off my chest and, at the moment, it's best I get it out in the open like this.

It's just a very difficult time in my life right now, and while I doubt anyone I know really reads this blog, it's better to get it out of my system here. Hopefully if anyone I know reads this they'll understand what's been disturbing me for the better part of the last 8 months.

Again, I apologize if this offends anyone, and I hope you all understand where I'm coming from.

Thank you.



Song of the day:
..Toy Soldiers - Martika

I swear to God, I really am in the middle of my quarter-life crisis.

Everything's been nothing short of insane for not just the week, but the near-entire 8 months since I turned 24. In another 4 months and 5 days I'll be reaching my Quarter-centennial, and to be honest, I'm scared as hell about it. There's a part of me that's been reeling in circles like a hamster in its spinning wheel going God-only-knows-how-many Miles Per Hour, simply trying to live life to the best of it. There's another part of me that's scared for the moment I face death suddenly and unprepared [GOD FORBID!!]. And then there's that part of me that's returned to the corner of my misery.

How the hell did I land back in the depression I swore not to fall into again?

I struggle to keep myself going, to hang on in there. Being with my Choir, being with my coworkers, and my best friends--they've all kept me in check, they'd been there for me through the thick and thin of it. And even during my times of being alone in my solitude I'd kept myself busy--Cemetery Excursions, anyone? Except, after a while, being by myself gets old, so fast. Mainly because I've spent so much time alone, but it's hard to be with people sometimes as well because, I spend so much of every week dealing with people--and *NEWS FLASH* that's just at work!!

It's been right around a year since I started going out with my NOW-ex Mike [he broke up with me last August, remember?]. It's been a rough year since--I'm going out with Siren now, and as most of the world who's read things here know my last ex Hikari broke up with me six months after Mike did [that was February, right?].

--quick skip down memory lane--
Monday 25 February 2008 - Chapter 98: So Much For My Happy Ending
Monday 27 August 2007, six months exact - Chapter 51 and Chapter 51b: So I Was Wrong All Along

And I've got my main fears over my relationship with Siren as well. And I swear, I shouldn't be. I love him--I ACTUALLY LOVE HIM MORE THAN I CAN PUT INTO WORDS!!--and I know damn well that he loves me. So why? Why am I so damn afraid?

Because of the fear that, my heart's going to be broken in the end. Again and again and again.

I've hated myself time and again for wasting emotions on someone but, I learn from my past failures in my war versus Cupid. At the same time I think, How on earth am I still here? What am I that men should even look in my direction? I'm just some panic-happy, hyper yet emo, somewhat-complicated young woman in her mid-20's. What have I to offer? And I shouldn't think myself this low. I really, REALLY shouldn't. Because I'm a beautiful punk girl with blue hair that's just been struggling to live to the best that I can.

I hope to God above that, in the midst of all this, Siren and I can see past whatever difficulty crosses our paths. Which, at the moment, is distance. He's in Iowa for his internship. And it's been a rough first week so far. I know in my nerves he's been so stressed, and I don't really know what I can do to help him. All I can do, for now, is pray for him from a distance and hold on to memories. But it's so hard to keep a chin up when it's sunken to the chest, wondering if all is well while so far apart.

Work's been chaotic as well. We're down to four Managers now. And this upcoming Thursday we have a big inspection. I shouldn't be nervous except, as I'm the only Crew Trainer in the store now and the remaining five Brown-Shirts are Manager Trainees [three of 'em are up for their Food Safety examinations in a couple of weeks], and this being my first Inspection as a Brown-Shirt, it's hard not to get worried because, we Brown-Shirts have a huge responsibility to our Higher-Ups. So the most I can do is, well, to do my best to make sure procedures are followed to the best of it. But also, apparently, from what our Store Manager said, we have a new group of Store Owners, new Supervisors.

Alright, can I just say, I'm so nervous it's a bit stupid! now?

So needless to say, it's going to be a very long workweek next week. Right after a funeral tomorrow as well--second funeral in two months. It only brings back the fear of death.

I confess--I'm afraid to die.

I don't do funerals too well. At all. They serve as a constant reminder that life's too short, that death's omnipresent no matter what-all else goes on. I know within my heart and entire being that, I'll be at peace with God when I die. But the sheer thought of it... the possibility that I'll soon end up dead so unexpectedly...

we're not guaranteed tomorrow. And it scares me so much.

I've lost a few good people dear to me--my Great-Grandparents, the first Priest to be my best friend, a former enemy who became one of the dearest friends 'til his death, and even a cancer survivor that lost her second battle--and known people who've lost those dear to them. I'm constantly scared that someone I know and love is going to die and I not even having a chance to tell that person, I love you, I appreciate all you've done for me in my life, I thank you, and I mean that. I don't ever want to have to live with that kind of regret, even though there will always be at least one person I'll fail to tell this to, and then like a leaf that falls onto a puddle of water... they're gone.

Life can't be wasted. Not while, in the midst of all this chaos, I have so much going on in my life. But it's hard to keep my eyes straight ahead towards my next challenge head-on when my vision's blurred with tears. And that's fine--I need to cry. I haven't had a good cry in a while. And I can only fight back tears of frustration, of misunderstanding, of fear, of hopelessness and despair, of longing, of wasted patience, for so long. I can't keep all this inside of me, or else [again, God forbid!] I'll end up self-destructing in some sort of manner.

And I think this is why I'm doing this now--I only have so far in my life to go, I can't stop now. Not here.

Not while I have a family who loves me no matter what.
Not while I have a good circle of friends who have my back.
Not while I have a boyfriend that though at the moment he can't always be there for me [and that's understandable, really], he loves me as much as I love him.
Not while I have a strong support group of coworkers who lift me up when I fall.
Not while I have so much going on in my life.
Not while I have just begun to LIVE my life.

It's hard not to worry when there's a hole in the ceiling. It's hard when my main chain of friends is about to break for the summer. It's hard when at times I think God's not with me, though I know He'll never forsake me.

Yes, I know I shouldn't be falling apart altogether--and I can't. And I won't. But I can't keep all this anger, all the tears, all this pain and hurt inside of me.

I have more tears to cry but, at the very least, I feel a lot better because, now it's out of my system, and into the hands of God. And I can start to let go.

My first official order of business, now that this is off of my chest, and after all my tears have been cried:

To find the people that I love and let them know how much I love them...



~ me.

Just a quick rant.

Be thankful, big time, you didn't have to see this when you came home to your tiny efficiency apartment after a long day at work...

And guess what--it used to be ABOVE THE DOGGONE STOVE!!!

*sigh* I swear, as if I haven't had enough fcuking problems already...

Until the next round...

P.S. If you can’t see the music player, go to the Trans-Underground blog to hear the song of the week.
If you’re gonna live life to the fullest, go for it.

In this case, today.



So today’s Saint Patrick’s Day. Except the Roman Catholics celebrated it on Saturday and the Anglicans, to quote Doc from NOOL, cancelled it completely. All I can do is say, who cares!? So it’s Holy Week. So!? I grew up raised on 17 March being Saint Patrick’s Day. Now celebrating this day during Holy Week isn’t a sin, right? And since when will people want to constitute it as such?

Let’s face it--17 March is the day I celebrate 12.5% of my bloodline. ’Nuff said, end of.

In other interesting news, Antenna’s back in the picture. Yup, my friend Antenna and I talked on the phone for about an hour yesterday, and I’m so glad he called too. ^_^ It was worth the five hours of sleep. *LOL*

And, for one, I. Am. Sore! from Saturday night/early Sunday morning’s 80’s retro-cover-fest that was the A+ Team’s concert at Caffe da Vinci. Awesome awesome AWESOME show all around. They did mainstream stuff but a few underground covers too. Lots of fun--I can’t wait until they stop by again!! *squee!* But otherwise, that’s probably the only thing worth btiching about--especially since I gotta clean up the apartment a bit before Siren visits this weekend.

Oh and, speaking of btiching, I have to work Friday--and I had ALREADY requested Friday off. Which means I’ll have to miss Good Friday. Maybe I should just starve myself during my time at work? O.o ’Cause on Good Friday, if I have to work, it’s probably not worth eating. Selfish? Maybe, but I did request Friday off. But since I have to work, cheerful I might be, but I wouldn’t eat even if they were to want to shove food down my throat!! This might be my actual fasting day for once.

Hey, you can try to take the girl away from the Church, but you can’t take the Church away from the girl.

Until the next round...

~ ’Sunshine’

Currently on: 'Fade to Grey' [12" version] by Visage.

Alright, it's been a while since I've been here.  Let's get this going as far as updates go, shall we?

For one, I now have a new blog, as this one hasn't been really, erm, post-able without having to re-tweak the blog almost all the damn time.  So, just so I don't have to fight with this one again [and so that I am still readable], here's the new blog.  [Those of you who've been reading my blog, update your bookmarks, please!]

[You. Are. Not. Ready. - Excelsios.]

Click on it, read, catch up.  Simple, no?

Today's blogpost touched on Tony Wilson and his second round with cancer.  I for one thought he could keel it the first time around.  Unfortunately I was wrong.  [Pouncer, you might want to mention something about this on your blog.]

All links involved:

From the Manchester Evening News...

Tony vs. Cancer, the first round

Tony vs. Cancer, the second round

[On the Tony vs. Cancer links my responses are under the screenname SunShock.]

Those of you going to the Morrissey concert @ the Hard Rock Live on Sunday night, I'll see y'all there and then. :-)

Otherwise, until the next round on the new blog, Cheers!!

~ 'Sunshine'

~ Song on at this point: 'Everything's Gone Green' - New Order. ~

~ [I guess you can say, I'm still alive.  Here's proof from my latest NOOL blog.] ~

..> ..>

24 May 2007
	15:17:54, [got spirit, lost feeling ~ 'sunshine'] / Personal Blog, 1,455 words
	~ The Blog, Chapter 11: 'No need for the sadness in your eyes.' [Reflections and Decision.] ~
	~ Song of the day-- Warsaw: 'Novelty' [pure punk enjoyment] JD: 'Transmission' [pure sonic enjoyment] NO: 'Face Up' [just pure enjoyment] Otherwise, what's on now?: 'Where the Streets Have No Name [I Can't Take My Eyes Off of You]' by the Pet Shop Boys. ~ ~ ...if you can read this, call it a miracle. No, seriously. After a madcap night spending much of it in the NOOL chat [thanks again to Burty and Ronno for hearing me out ]; and listening to 'Technique' more than enough times to admit I'm in love with the songs 'Love Less', 'Guilty Partner', 'Mr. Disco' and 'Vanishing Point'; I went back to my apartment after more than enough time and drama spent at a friend's house because, let's face it. I've got more than enough drama as is. Was I able to handle any further of this? Before leaving for the night, however, I reposted this up on both my MySpace blog and Steve's Angels general 'The Asylum' thread. I wasn't sure if anyone would read it. And I wasn't sure if anyone was going to care, either. I actually thought it wasn't worth a chuffing ounce of anyone's time. Boy, was I absofuckin'lutely WRONG!!! [Keep that bit in mind--it comes up again later on.] After I arrived at my apartment I lied down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. It took me half of eternity but, I thought up everything through and through. Thought about my life and what I went through. Thought about the pain I suffered and the losses and heartache. Thought about the people I loved, the people I loss. Thought about that short time [okay, around a year and a half, less than even] when I was actually engaged. *betcha didn't know that!* Thought about the day I actually let my ex-fiance go... just because of stupid stuff, when I gave that plenty thought. Thought about work and all the insanity that came with it. Thought about my entire life, how I thought I was a mistake [because hey, accidents happen, and I guess I was an accident...?], that I should've never came to pass. Thought about the divorce of my parents and why they married in the first place [they got married because Mom was pregnant with me--HONEST TO HEAVEN TRUTH]. I thought about everything. And I cried my guts out until I felt like I couldn't do a damn thing anymore. I then recalled one particular ex-boyfriend's parting words, which are posted up on my MySpace profile [if you've seen it enough times it should be very familiar to you] and will remain there permanently. The words echoed in my head, over and over, and it dawned on me-- no matter how tough or how crappy or how miserable life was, it was worth living. It is still worth living. So what were those words that said ex [codename 'Sora'] told me? 'There is no need for the sadness in your eyes. Life is beautiful, and you are beautiful.' I thought about those words, cried some more. And he's right, surprisingly. Even now as I'm typing this there are tears in my eyes. I am probably the biggest moron to forget all the good times I've had so far with my friends, both in town and all over the world. The times I've had more than enough laughs to make someone think that I overdosed on the laughing gas. Times when I'd go out with my friends and dance to 80's music from the time the club opened until the time it closed [and I'm talking 4 hours and 45 minutes of total dancing insanity! ]. Times I'd have the craziest day of fun with my coworkers. Times that I wish would last forever--and they do. Because they are always replayed in my mind, they are eternal. Even more so, I thought about the pain it would've caused my friends and loved ones if... well, if I no longer saw this morning's sunrise, which brought some sort of glow into my heart. Whatever chill was there, melted when the first hint of a lighter shade of blue touched the horizon. I let a few tears fall--again--because, indeed, Coldplay got it right when they had a song title called 'Life Is For Living'. And it is. But I also always kept in mind Sora's words. Because they are true. Just now I saw the surprising result of last night's tearshed and blog. And I thought of everyone I knew and loved dearly. So, before I get to my thoughts of my new lease on life, let me thank a few people, by name, for being there-- Burty and Ronno, I thanked you both earlier in this, and I'll thank you both again. Somehow the NOOL chat must be a party in its past life. Seriously though, I guess it was a good thing I had this slight rant. Because if I didn't, well... yeah. Then this would not have jumped out. And I wouldn't have actually given much more thought on this. To my ex-fiance and, even more importantly, my best friend: I really can't thank you enough for hearing me out. Yeah, even when we've had a good spat or two. But for being my best friend and being there I'll always be grateful. Thank you. Spyg, to hear a girl tell me I'm pretty is a cute albeit kinda funny surprise. But it's good for me to know I wasn't alone in this mess. Glad to hear you're still standing. And I'm glad I'm still standing too. Thank you lots for reminding me I'm not alone in my tears. Cambo, not only am I glad to know I'm not alone in my tears [like Spyg] but I'm also glad about FAC9000. Still beside myself about the charm that I provided the name, but it's all good. And a big back at you! Thank you, and thank you again! And I can't forget Tim--huge shock when I read that you commented on my blog!! But I'm glad that you did. [Like I said earlier I didn't think it was worth anyone's time!] Thank you LOTS for the kind words--and, surprisingly still, the Friend Request. To them, and all of you who've read and heard me out and prayed for me and wondered if I'd ever the 'morning sun' [reference to 'True Faith'!], to all who believed that life was and is and still is worth living... thank you. Because, after all, Sora's right-- there is no need for the sadness in my eyes. Life is beautiful, and I am beautiful. I understand this now. Even when life's joys are blurred with the tears of despair, life is still beautiful. Life is still worth living. I also realize I still have a lot to do before I die. Like going to England, particularly Manchester and London. My biggest dream right there. [Second to meeting any of NO, of course. ] I still have Junior Management to tackle. I've got a party this Saturday to go to. I have a day off tomorrow. I have friends and loved ones that I hold too close to my heart to watch suffer. I... I can't give up on life when I have so much to live for! So much to see and do, so much to love and admire and respect, so much to hang onto dear life for! SO MUCH MORE!! Alright, tears gotta come out now. *is actually crying a bit while writing --er, typing this!* Anywho! Today was actually a good day, and I don't get those often. I actually laughed so hard I had to pee! I even managed to find an old mix c.d. of New Order favorites from 'Substance 1987' and begged my Store Manager to listen to it--and she likes it! I have converted another soul to the Order! I fucking rock!! ...so, where do I finally, ultimately stand on life? No matter how ugly life gets, life is still beautiful. It may not always be sunflowers and white jasmine [my fave flowers], but it's not always hurricanes and tornados either [no. pun. intended... YEAH RIGHT! ]. There's always that joyful little rainbow with my name on it. I'm 'naming it and claiming it' as my 'big brother', codename Ani, would best put it. Did I ever bother to tell you lot that I love you all, even if I don't know too well/haven't met most of any of you? Well, I guess that's how my heart is, as much as it suffers. Love is too strong an emotion to keep to myself, I guess. In the end, when all is said and done, life is worth living. So yeah, with everything I've been through, I'll state this again, and proudly to-- There is no need for the sadness in my eyes. Life is beautiful, and I am beautiful. ~ 'sunshine' - got spirit, lost feeling.

~ Currently playing at the moment: 'Run' by New Order. ~

~ [This is the latest blogpost from my NewOrderOnline.com [NOOL] blog.  Kinda giving you all the latest in my way of thinking-through.

Brace yourselves--this is probably the most emotionally challenging thing I've ever written...] ~

~ Currently on--Album: Technique. Song: Guilty Partner.

Alright, I need to vent.

After all that life's shoved me through--from insults to jokes to jerks and bastards always telling me I was and still am ugly, from being blamed for everything to never being understood, 23 years of disaster from when I was nothing more than an actual accident that should have NEVER happened...

...I've had it with life. It no longer has any exact meaning for me.

Let me just face what I'm calling my 'self-mirror'.

Or, let me rant at me. Fasten your safety belts for this one.

Okay, why? Why the hell do I have to sit here and deal with being ugly and misunderstood and blamed for every fucking thing that goes wrong? Why is it always my fault? Why did I have to be born!?

WHY DID I HAVE TO BE FUCKING BORN!?

And why does everyone say that life is worth living? For them it probably is but, to me...

to me, life is no longer livable.

I mean, after all the shit I've been through growing up, between insults and can't-survive-math-for-shit, spending lunchtime alone and guys rejecting me because either I'm ugly or I'm not their type or they're taken or they don't give a fuck or all of the above, teachers who didn't give half a damn about the girl sitting in the corner who needed someone to talk to, friends who say they're my friends but then leave me aside to hang with their 'friends', and basically a worthless 23 years of being on this planet...

I have come to this conclusion: Life is no longer worth living.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to give life more chances. Eventually I'll end up sending myself to the grave. Maybe.

I don't know. I'm not sure anymore about anything. I just don't know anymore.

Maybe I should listen to 'In a Lonely Place' instead of 'Technique'?

So here I am, trying not to cry for the umpteenth time today, and for what? Chuffed to podge, let's face it. I'm ugly, I've never had any faith in myself, I'm unpopular, I'm so fucking strange no one could probably EVER underfuckin'stand me.

I...

I don't belong anywhere. I don't deserve to exist. I really don't.

No matter how happy I may seem, oh God, do I hate myself or what? I guess that's what 23 years of pain and tears does to you. Or me, in this case.

I mean, am I really a mistake? Am I just nothing more than a waste of time?

Am I?





...I'm sure I'll find out if I live to see tomorrow. After all, nothing ever changes. Tomorrow's sunrise will be the same as today, which was the same as yesterday. It'll never change.

Tomorrow I'll probably be at the same workplace in the same uniform and the same drive-thru headset. The day will always be the same--work, run errands, try to chill out here and with friends. But...

it's always gonna be the same, isn't it?

And considering the fact that I've lost all hope in myself, it just adds to the pain that I face day in and day out.



If I live to see the next sunrise, I'll tell you about it tomorrow night. Though don't be surprised if it ends up just like today.



~ 'sunshine' - got spirit, lost feeling.

~ Listening to 'Mesh' by New Order right now. ~

~ Twenty-seven years ago today, Ian Curtis [the lead singer of Joy Division] killed himself in his kitchen in Macclesfield.  Today, in 2007 we celebrate the man, the genius, the legend.  It's been so long...

So, in joyful memory I've redone my MySpace profile in black-and-white featuring Sam Riley, who plays Ian in the new movie 'CONTROL', which debuted last night at the Cannes festival in France.  Sam: total cutie.  He looks so much like Ian it's kinda scary!! *nods*

On the profile is a song fitting for the day: 'Atmosphere' by Joy Division.  Get a listen to it if you haven't done so.

And finally, yeah, it's been a long week.  I still owe y'all Part 3 of the Update!

Until the next round... ~

~ 'Sunshine'

P.S. IF YOU CAN, GO TO BOTH BARNEY'S ANGELS AND NEW ORDER ONLINE SITES FOR THE LATEST UPDATES ON NEW ORDER AND 'CONTROL'!!!

~ Listening to 'Atmosphere' by Joy Division. ~

~ This is probably gonna be the most depressing blogpost that I've ever had to type.

New Order has officially split up.

I was gonna type another update on my life but, unfortunately, this is all I can think of.  It's pretty glum, if you ask me.  Of all things to think about...

Hell, I shouldn't really think much on it but, what else to do when your hopes are dashed?  I never even...

I never even got to see them live.  And I'll never even be able to, either.

...I really could use a hug right now.

I guess that's all at the moment.  I can't think of much else, for the sake of [as my friend Jack puts it] sweet F-A [f*ck-all]. ~

~ [a very depressed] 'Sunshine'

~ Currently listening to '586' by New Order. ~

~ Holy cow, you must be wondering just what I've been up to as of recently...  Well, for starters, I updated my profile and blog AGAIN, this time the theme being 'Everything's Gone Goth.'  I started up a Steve's Angels site [because, come on... we've got Barney's Angels, and we've got Hooky's Angels, so why not Steve's Angels!?], which is really getting up a slow start, but give it time.  And plenty of.

Meanwhile [comma] I'm declaring myself a DJ in training, codename FAC 999.  Yes, it's a dual homage to FACtory Records [Joy Division and New Order], and to 'Galaxy Express 999' [a manga/anime... to remind me of one of my favorite younghood pasttimes].  I've made a good strong handful of mixes so far.  Maybe one day I'll be just as awesome as my DJ hero, who is also known as HOOKY!!!

Yes, Hooky of New Order has a MySpace now.  Woot!!

Meanwhile, here's the latest coming up on my calendar...

--May 1: Mayday 2007!!
--May 5: Pouncer's Graduation.
--July: Morrissey @ Hard Rock Live... WOOHAW!!!
--August: Clay Aiken @ Hard Rock Live... Just as awesome!

...well, that's the latest for now.  Until the next round... ~

~ 'Sunshine' [DJ FAC 999]

~ A Closer Joy Unknown ~

~ [Chapter 10: Now Our Heart's Lost Forever.] ~

~ '...you okay there?' Ian asked Setsuna again, his face growing more concerned by the moment.  He glanced to the others, then to her again.  'Princess!' he urged, wanting to hear her respond.  Just to let him know she was somewhat alert.  Somewhat.

'...oww' was her humble response, then as tears began to fill her eyes.  'Guys... oh God...'

Ian lifted her up slowly, sat down on the bed beside her, and hugged her tightly.  She shouldn't be suffering so much he thought to himself, without really being sure what was going on.  He then held her tearstained face in her hands and smiled adoringly at her.  'It's okay' he whispered, 'you're with us.  We're on your side.  You have nothing to fear.

'Whatever you need to tell us, tell us.'

She glanced to Peter, then to Bernard, who were both also seated beside her on the sides of the bed.  She then looked to Stephen, who was still standing, a hand on her shoulder.  'It's okay,' he said, 'we're listening.'

Finally she faced Ian.  'If...' she started, then regained composure a bit and spoke again.  'If I tell you guys everything, you have to promise me you will NEVER tell anyone else about it.  This... this is very serious what I'm about to tell you.'

'You can trust us, Princess' Ian assured her, not sure what to call her other than what Ito called her before he bailed.

She took a deep breath and took each of the guys hands into both of hers.  'I'm...' she tried to speak, fighting back tears, 'I'm not from around here.'

'We know that one for sure, kiddo' chuckled Peter.

'No, Hooky, you don't understand' she continued.  'I'm... I'm not from around here.  This town, this country, this... this time period.'

This time all eyes were on her, jokes aside.  Stephen sat down finally beside her.  'Wait, what?' he asked, a bit in shock.

She took a deep breath as a tear fell down her cheek.  'I'm from another time.  It's a bit of a long story.  Anyone familiar with the legend of StarEarthia?'

'Very,' Bernard answered.  'Vaguely, but very.'  Ian nodded a bit.

'Well' Setsuna continued, 'there was an Empress, Amaron I, who had a daughter, Setsuna.  Amaron ruled the realm with a gentle yet firm hand.  She knew mercy, as well as justice.  Setsuna was young but was very much loved by the realm, particularly the Royal Guardians of the Court.  The Princess herself wanted to be a Royal Guardian, to protect her mother and father and friends.  That however was never to pass, when Scarr arrived and--'

'--and destroyed the realm, killing the Princess last' finished Peter.  'Yeah, I've heard.  Legend also had it that--'

'--that she was to be reborn' finished Stephen, lost in recollection.  'But it never did come to pass, that she would be reborn, at least not in this time frame, right?'

Ian and Bernard nodded.

'Well,' the Princess resumed, 'she was reborn.  And she had to go through a lot of mishaps and chaos and misadventures to reunite with her friends and Royal Guardians.

'But one day, she was fighting Scarr's minions in her own time, the year 2007, and... well... something really bad happened involving the SwitchCross--'

'The Holy Excelsios SwitchCross!?' exclaimed Bernard.  'I mean, I don't mean to interrupt but, didn't the weapon never get used because it wasn't fully awakened by the time StarEarth was destroyed?  Did it actually awaken in that year ahead of us!?'

She nodded.  'Yes, it did.'

'How do you know all this fascinating knowledge about StarEarth, Becca??' asked Peter, blinking.

She took another deep breath.  'My name... my name... is not Rebecca-Michelle.'  She looked around at the guys, whose eyes were now widened in shock and mouths slightly agape.

'Then...' Stephen tried to speak.

'If it's not Rebecca...' Bernard said softly.

'Then your name...' Peter reasoned finally.

'You are...' Ian too realized.

She hung her head in shame.  Damnit she thought to herself, they hate me for this, don't they?  She lifted her face again to meet theirs, their faces still in a twinge of shock.

'I am Setsuna,' she admitted, 'and I'm stuck here without any means of returning back home, to my friends, my fellow StarKnights, my family.  The SwitchCross is stuck in the hands of the StarKnights, and Scarr has somehow found me, and sent his General and a legion of minions to try to destroy me.'  She lowered her head in miserable regret.

'I'm sorry, guys' she mourned, 'to have lied to you and wait until now to tell you these things.'

But Bernard touched his hand under her chin to lift her face to him.  'Don't be, Princess' he replied, smiling a bit.  'You were only protecting yourself.  You probably never faced this sort of situation before, and you were scared.  You're on your own, without any help.

'We face situations like that.  Don't get upset.  We're right behind you.

'So, look up!' he finished with a cheerful smile.

'But' she spoke again, 'I lied to you guys.  I had to keep it from you as long as I could!'

'Setsuna...' Stephen interrupted her.  'We understand why you had to do it.'

'And we want to help you,' Peter chimed in.

Setsuna was a bit in shock, beside herself to say the least.  'R-really?' she stammered, glancing to the guys, who had encouraging smiles on their faces.

Ian nodded.  'You're not alone, Princess' he spoke, and hugged her again.  Stephen added to the hug, followed by Peter and Bernard.  She looked to the faces, who were smiling at her, not upset at all.

Relishing in the group hug, she whispered, 'Thanks, guys.'

...wow, she thought.  Easier than I thought!

Now, getting home.  That was to be the tough part.  And she had a long ways to go without the SwitchCross.  Luckily though, she was no longer on her own in this insane journey... ~

~ A Closer Joy Unknown ~