So, its 2009. Another year's gone, and here comes the new one. This one promises a lot in the grand scale, whether it can live up to its hype or not is another question, but we can always hope. This year the theme seems to be shaping up to be "Change." (Thanks, Obama!) On a world level I hope that's possible, and on a personal level I hope so as well. 2008 started out shaky but ended up being a pretty good year for me all things considered, I moved forward in life, I now have a wonderful girlfriend who makes my life a lot better and easier and loves me honestly, as well as getting a pretty sweet gig with Freebirds. I'm hoping to keep the trend of good things happening to me rolling onward this year. Here are my New Years Resolutions. I fully intend on following them, and I take these very seriously.

1. Write more. Be it blog posts, be it story ideas, be it actual written pieces, I haven't written too much since roughly 2006, and I'd like to change that, I miss it.
2. Draw every day. I love to draw, and I need to refine my process, which means daily practice would definitely be a good thing. Drawing is a good way to relax, and it makes me happy, so, I should do it more often.
3. Save Money. I indulge my vices quite a bit monetarily, and that's good and all, but it'd be nice to have some "reserve money". Especially considering I intend on getting a place of my own within the coming year, which brings me to 4.
4. Get an apartment. My current living situation is good, but it doesn't afford me a sense of ownership over the area around me. No matter how you slice it, I'm a guest in this house and as such I don't have complete freedom nor complete control over what and who surrounds me. I'd like to be able to have a place of my own sometime this year. Be it with Madelaine, Bilal, Craig, Batman, or just by myself.
5. Start my tattoos. I fully intend on using tattoos to claim my body and make it a vessel I am fully comfortable travelling in. I believe there is a power in taking control of your body through marking, piercing, and stretching. And as someone who has never fully been comfortable with his appearance, having complete control over it, is empowering.
   
6. Spiritual and philosophical growth. Not in the traditional "Find Jesus" regards, but more in the realm of expanding my understanding of the world, the human mind, the human condition, good, evil, death, love, hate, passion, fear, and so forth.
   
7. Get more accomplished. Wake up earlier, go to bed earlier, have more time for the people in my life, see my friends more often, be more prolific, and just generally, do more than work.
   
8. Take a vacation. I haven't travelled in a few years, and I'd love to go somewhere just for the fun of it, and to just be able to relax and take a load off. Hopefully this year, I'll be able to make that happen, due to my increased cash flow.
9. Eat healthier. I have a tendancy to avoid "healthy" things, because in general, things that are worse for me, seem to taste better, but I'm going to attempt to eat a healthier diet. Less starchy unhealthy foods, more fruits, vegetables, and organic products. I could stand to lose some weight, and I know I'd just feel better in general.
10. Make 2009 the best possible year it can be. This sounds a little cliche, but I have a bad habit of making my world rather unpleasant. I tend to push my friends away and then feel bad that I don't have friends, I tend to not go do things with anyone for a laundry list of stupid reasons, I tend to ignore phone calls, and so forth. I just need to make sure that I allow myself to be open to the possibilities around me. That's going to make 2009 a better year I think. I also need to get my stupid foot checked out, and uhm, get a haircut. I'd also like to be less down on myself, and respect myself and my talents more. No more talking bad about myself and feeling ugly and useless. Basically, I just want 2009 to be pleasant. Which it should be, considering I have a fantastic girlfriend, wonderful friends, and a loving family. I just need to open up to all of the above, and things should stay good, and get better in the New Year.

I'd also like to find some magical portal to break into the comic book industry. But thats unlikely.

Its officially September and it has been for a few days. For the unenlightened about my life, this officially means that I'm a grown up. High school is completely over, and the last summer of that period of my life has come and passed. Everyone is back in school, High School, University, etc. And ... I'm not.

I wasted my "gifts" (read: abilities) in high school. I feel absolutely horrible looking back at my high school career. I wasted away in laziness and boredom instead of going the extra mile to do the work that was well within my grasp to do well on. I feel like I've really shot myself in the foot when it comes to college. That, was a huge mistake on my part. I just kind of laugh it off and just jovially scoff about the fact that I'm "taking a semester off", but in truth, I messed up, bad, during my junior and senior year by not registering to take a simple test like the SAT and therefore wasn't ABLE to apply to colleges. My grades are decent enough to get into a tolerable school to do undergraduate work, but in truth, I know I should already be in college, and already working towards my goals. Not wasting away reading comic books and watching old cartoons I have on VHS. But its too late at this point to change the wrong I've done. I've just got to focus on getting what I need to get accomplished, accomplished. I do however feel that the awareness that the mistakes I made were just that, is a step forward into maturity, albeit one I really wish I had taken a while back. But, onward and forward. No use in lamenting about the past, right?

Realizing that it doesn't help to think negatively about your current situation doesn't make it any easier to stop it. I'm still hopelessly unemployed, with the one job prospect I had going for me apparently completely dashed away because I failed the god-damned screener test because I "over-thought" it. I have a great social life, but that doesn't really cut the mustard when it comes to a life, does it? I love the people around me, and what I spend my time doing, but I have a void.

I have a void in my life, with nothing to fill my days but malaise and self-loathing at a failed high school career, coupled with my failed art ambitions, and my failed, everything.

Spending all day sleeping and waiting till the high schoolers get out of class so I'll have something to do, has really gotten me in a tremendously bad funk, and I think I've begun to hate myself.

Which is horrible, because I'm fantastic.

Sigh.

I really need to get back out there and hit the ground running on a renewed job search, because otherwise, I'm going to lose my mind before January.

If you have any help to offer in finding a job, it's much appreciated, though I doubt much good will come from blogging about my problems at 4 in the morning.

Cross-posted from my fully fledged blog.

Today was fun. Maddie picked me up at around four, Christa was there as well, and then they took me up to Abuelo's to try and get a job, then went to the mall and got some applications. Had Pei Wei for dinner, too. Mmm, Pei Wei.

I got the Thai Dynamite with chicken and rice. It was delicious, as it always is, its my sincere suggestion if you're ever there. S'good stuff.

But back to the job hunt.
I picked up applications for quite a few places today.


Let's see how it goes. Haha.

Going over to Maddie's a little bit later to hang out with Christa and her, we bought Betta fish today. I'm trying to think of a name for the one I have claimed. I'm thinking of naming him Lovecraft. Or something. He's cute.

I really need to get a job pretty quick here so I can start to pay for insurance and a vehicle, because othewise, I'll be fucked when I'm trying to commute to TCC, and eventually, UTA. Also, AVID.

But enough bitching about the fact that I need a job. I also need : a haircut.

I'm thinking about trying something new, or old. One or the other, right?

This post was really about nothing. But I just felt like putting it out there.

Its been more or less a month since I've posted a blog. This mainly being because I don't find myself short of sleep lately, as most of the time that I need to be sleeping, well, I am; having a loving girlfriend to calm your nerves really helps that whole insomnia thing.

But tonight, she is at her cousin's and I have been cleaning. And by cleaning, I really mean listening to Cradle of Filth and Death Cab for Cutie on my surround sound headphones Maddie bought me last night, and then cleaning like a madman for about an hour. She also got me an adorable Dr Doom figure, to go with my adorable Chewbacca figure. (both pictured below)


Aren't they cute? (Also pictured, Batman : The Dark Knight figure).

But yeah, I took the desk out of my room and moved my bed so now it has a more, I dunno, liveable feel. It feels like a room, and not just a cramped little box full of my nerdy bullshit.

Later today I'm heading up to Kroger's for their job fair, in my ever continuing quest to get a job so my broke ass can get myself where I need to be.

I'm going up to TCC to register (incredibly late, of course) for classes, mainly in order to pursue a tutoring gig at Seguin. Yes, you read that right. Mr Humes and Mrs Britton took me aside whilst I was escorting Maddie to a Stu-Co meeting to pitch t-shirt designs, haha. They want me to participate in a program called AVID, which is from what I grasp, an attempt to put intelligent but off-the-path students (much like myself in high school), back on the track to college, and pursuing their full potential. It is a practice in the Socratic method of teaching, so I should prove quite good at it, if I can secure the actual position. It will pay somewhere between the ammount of 8 and 18 dollars an hour, depending on what I'm doing, so says the intarrrrweb.

So, I'm getting a job (hopefully), about to go to school (Albeit the 13th grade that is TCC, but alas, college is college at the moment, a real university will have to wait until I get ahold of the SAT in October, haha.), and potentianlly helping kids that need it, doing what I wish someone had done for me.

Huzzah.

Lets hope-and-pray about Kroger panning out, eh? I could really use a job.

If it doesn't, and you know a place that's looking for help, drop me a line.

At the moment, I think I'm going to chill out and listen to some more music, and maybe fall asleep. Probably not though. Haha.

"The status is not quo." - Dr Horrible.

I think I force myself to not sleep, because its absolutely, completely, 100 percent silent when my family is asleep.

I control everything that I see, and everything that I hear.
I can control everything that is around me. The lights, the sounds, every last thing is perfectly under my control. I can turn off the lights and just sit in silence, without anyone struggling with me for control. I can turn on my music, and sit back with a glass of lemonade and just think about reality, think about the nature of humanity, the nature of love, of passion, of hatred, of friendship, of science, of mathematics, religion, God, The Devil, your fucking mother, whoever, whatever.

As long as its just me. Sitting here in the dark, with some music rolling over the sheetless specter of my bed, the dull roar of my fan blowing cool air into a stuffy room, alone.

Its the complete and total polar opposite of my sleep pattern, which appears to be, I can sleep when there are other people there. Particularly Madelaine, who manages to make me calm, relaxed, content, and very very happy. But the pattern holds with Bilal, and its held with Wesley, its held with the theatre troupe, it just holds. When I'm given something to hold my attention, or to calm me, I can sleep.

But the minute I'm in total control, and its just me, just my raving lunatic brain chattering on for hours, keeping me up as I go to the kitchen for the 7 thousandth time to get my 7 thousandth drink, I'm not capable of shutting my eyes until I've run out of things to think about.

And I never, ever run out of things to think about.

Its July now.

A month into summer, heh. I think when summer hits, my brain goes into over-drive and I'm just locked in mortal combat with my own psyche when I attempt to sleep. I dont think I've slept a single night in my own house in the last month, if I've slept, I've been elsewhere. Sometimes when I'm elsewhere, I dont sleep, but most of the time, I'm able to.

My room is a waste of a perfectly good bed. Its a really nice bed, I mean, you've all been on it or in it, you know, its a good bed, its comfy. But I just cant seem to lay my head down on the pillow if I'm not in a room with either Madelaine, or an episode of the X-files playing at quarter volume on my tv.

Meh.

I really need to get some sleep, sometime in the near future.

Anyway.

Dallas World Aquarium Today / Tomorrow...

Should prove quite fun. Going with Maddie :]

I'd like to make plans with some of the people I havent seen in a while too, so comment here or send me a message regarding that.

And once again, World of Darkness, comin' soon.

Meh.

Kindof lost my train of thought.

Maybe thats a sign I need to take a nap.

It is 7 in the morning.

I managed to get a little sleep.

But normally, I can't sleep. I can never sleep anymore.

Unless I'm with Madelaine, I can't sleep.

Sigh.

Its summer, its the first summer fresh from High School, and I'm going to be honest, I'm scared completely shitless. I fucked up so bad in high school, no college in America will touch me, and I dont even have an SAT score ready to submit to colleges. I'm starting late, because I do that, because I procrastinate, because I'm terrified of the fact that the simple decisions I'm making today, this week, this month, this year, are all going to affect my entire life for the duration of it.

I don't know where I'm going, or what I want. I really don't. I want to exist happily, with love in my life, and preferably enough money to comfortably indulge in my nerdy bullshit, and have a suave house. So I guess I'm going with politics.

The question there is, can I soften my socialist views to strong democratic ones?

Not at this point in the game, but I imagine after indoctrinating myself with law books for 8 years, I'm probably going to come out of this a wholoe different person than what I went in as. That is fucking terrifying as well.

Everything is fucking terrifying right now. I dont even have a job. I have no income, and I'm about to get booted out into the real world and have to fend for myself, and this isnt some sortof neo-luddite survivalist thing, that I could handle. This is capitalism. This is paying taxes and obeying traffic laws.

Speaking of that, I dont have a fucking driver's license.

Me and Wes are in the same boat there, I guess, but he's proactively taking drivers ed, I'm doing uhm, fucking nothing, thats all I do, thats all I'm capable of doing.

I think it exposes my soft pink underbelly, but I'm scared, guys.

I'm really really scared.

We're growing up. We're adults.

Everything has changed so much, I've instituted some of that change personally, and some of it feels like its for the best, but some of this shit, some of this is fucking intimidating as hell.

I'm standing unprepared on a beach, staring out into the water:

Its beautiful, but its the most overwhelming, terrifying, merciless thing on Earth.

I dont even know why I'm writing this. I havent expressed myself in writing in roughly 6 months I think. Thats utterly pathetic. UTTERLY PATHETIC.

But I digress...

The future is now, and I really don't know what  I'm going to do about that fact. I've buried my head in the sand, reading comic books and spending what little money I have on entertainment and going to shows, but thats going to shortly become very transparent to everyone, I'm not doing it just to be out having fun, I'm fucking hiding.

Ha.

I'm hiding from simultaneously who I am now, who I'm going to be, what I'm leaving behind, and where I'm going.

I need to screw my head on straight and figure this shit out, because frankly, I'm behind, obviously, and I need to remedy that as readily as I can.


Luckily, I've got an amazing person holding my hand and keeping me going, Madelaine Thomas is probably the single best thing to come into my life in a long time, I need someone as driven and passionate as her by my side right now, to kick it. Like...A SIDEKICK!? Maddie's my sidekick :] I feel truly blessed to have someone as caring and compassionate come into my life, I am so lucky, and its almost comical how happy she makes me. I could prattle endlessly about how wonderful she is, and all the good things she's brought into my life, but, thats a story best told another time, eh? :]

In slightly less peppy news, my father has 'changed jobs', and I use that term loosely because we have no damned idea what that means right now. He's refusing to tell us where he works, and he's going to the courts and trying to rework the divorce decree to remove the 25% income rate for child support and pull it down to 20% because I'm now legally an adult and despite the divorce decree mandating that 25% be paid until my sister turns 18, he's going back to court regardless, and my mother can't fight it, because in case you didnt know, ha, she's completely royally fucked (Thank you, Jim Sprinkle!). The injury hasn't gotten any better, if anything it's gotten worse, and they wont release her to go back to work, so she can't get any more income rolling into the house, and she also can't apply for unemployment, because to do that, you have to be able to proactively search for work and she hasnt been medically cleared to do so. So, we can't get money, because we can't get money, to get money. If I do go into law, this bullshit is going to be mighty high on my priority list, fixing fucked up Family Law cases. Heh.

I feel the overwhelming desire to create, but I can't quite put my finger on what I want to create. Surrounding myself with colorful images and wonderful people has left me thirsty to bring something worthwhile and beautiful into the world, so I think I need to go invest in some canvas.

And lemonade. Canvas and lemonade.

Mhm.

Furthermore, Wesley and I are planning ..ing a World of Darkness campaign, and group. World of Darkness is a series of interconnected storytelling universes that take place in a realistic universe, albeit with some sinister and fun twists, such as the presence of Vampires, Werewolves, Wraiths, Mages, Changelings, Faeries, etc. It runs on the d20 system, much akin to the Dungeons and Dragon system. Dont fill your head with images of pathetic nerd kids sitting down in a basement playing D&D (although there is certainly nothing wrong with that, and Wes and myself spent much of our formative years doing so, albeit sans basement, as you know, we dont have those in Texas), its a far more modern and welcoming system, with little to be apprehensive about, if you enjoy a good movie, or a good comic book, you'll do well. We've recently *cough*bootlegged*cough* come into posession of all 60 books of the universe, and we're plotting it as we speak, its in the fledgling stages, but if you're into d20, Dungeons and Dragons, or just fantasy in general, OR are just looking for a fun way to kill an evening a week with some friends and some food, contact me or Wes.

This is the fourth edit of this blog, so I'm going to let it be.

Another post tomorrow, if I have the time. If no one ends up reading this, thats fine, but I really need somewhere to let loose my superfluous thought.

:]

-Nathaniel Colin Steinmetz


PS: Who wants to take me out for breakfast? Your treat! I'm fucking broke. :]

Most myspace surveys are about the person sending them out.

Here’s where I give you a chance to respond.

I wrote this myself.

Respond in a message.

What is your favorite smell?

Do you believe in past lives?

Sour cream: Good, or terrible?

Do you believe in angels?

What is your opinion of karma?

Is there such a thing as justifiable murder?

How do you explain Mozart writing symphonies at the age of 7?

Is the human a spirit in a shell, or a brain in a body?

What makes you truly happy?

What is your honest to god opinion of me?

Have you ever been romantically interested in someone younger than you (18 - 14, for example)?

Does God exist?

Do aliens exist?

Estimate how long you spend on myspace daily?

What is your favorite song?

What makes you happy?

What makes you cry?

Does anything that make you happy, make you cry?

What is one possession you refuse to get rid of?

Has anyone ever told you that you’re beautiful?

What is your favorite resturant?

Have you ever been romantically interested in me?

Does anything you enjoy make you feel guilty?
Is sin ingrained, or is it learned?

What religious doctrine do you consider yourself to follow, if any?

How many romantic partners have you had?


How many people have you kissed?

What is your opinion of drug use?

Do the smell of cigarettes disgust you?

What do you order when you go into starbucks?

Favorite musical?

Favorite movie?

Favorite cologne?

Favorite Perfume?

What would you venture is the worst song ever recorded?

Is skateboarding juvenile?

Are you allergic to anything?

Whats your all time favorite book?

If you could have dinner with one deceased person, who would it be? Why?

Do you like energy drinks?

Fast food, or no food? Choose.

Whats your favorite tv show of all time?

Does the thought of the afterlife excite you, or frighten you?

Do you believe in hell?

Have you ever read anything by Hunter S. Thompson?

Have you ever read anything by Chuck Palahniuk?

Have you ever read anything by Bret Ellis?

Have you ever read anything by James St James?

Batman or Superman?

Taco Bell or Taco Bueno?

McDonalds or Burger King

Lucielle Ball or Marilyn Monroe?

James Dean or Elvis?

Tupac or Biggie?

Snoop Dogg or Ice Cube?

Acoustic or Electric?

Piano or Drums?

CD or MP3?

...more to come...


PLEASE RESPOND IN PRIVATE.

Random crap I would like for my birthday:


http://www. lids. com/pid/20093229 - $15


http://www. lids. com/pid/20093227 - $15


http://www. lids. com/pid/20055299 - $32


http://www. hottopic. com/hottopic/store/product. jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302028385&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442170741&bmUID=1206071603028 - $19


http://www. hottopic. com/hottopic/store/product. jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302028385&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442168876&bmUID=1206071863416 - $15


http://www. hottopic. com/hottopic/store/product. jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302028385&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442162450&bmUID=1206072142142 - $15


http://www. zumiez. com/zshop/ProductDetail. aspx?DepartmentID=3&CategoryID=1007&ShopByBrand=False&OrganizationID=-1&SortBy=PriceASC&ProductID=53468 - $20


http://www. zumiez. com/zshop/ProductDetail. aspx?DepartmentID=3&CategoryID=1007&ShopByBrand=False&OrganizationID=-1&SortBy=PriceASC&ProductID=77254 - $20


http://www. zumiez. com/zshop/ProductDetail. aspx?DepartmentID=6&CategoryID=606&ShopByBrand=False&OrganizationID=-1&ProductID=55344 - $25

Also : Anything Harry Potter, Andy Warhol, Marilyn Monroe, NWA, etc etc related. If you think I’d like it, I’d probably like it. and also, like, anything that you’d think I’d like, this is just random crap thats a sure thing.



Sorry if I seem a bit like, forward or something? I didnt get a single birthday present last year from anybody that wasnt family or my girlfriend, so, yeah.


haha.



Would anybody be interested in having dinner for my birthday, or something?

Details are really sketchy right now, but yeah...

You are not funny.
You are not cool.
Ecstacy doesn't make you cool, it makes you an asshole.
Punk rock is dead.
Candy/Kandi/Kandy/Candi is fucking stupid. If you wear it, you are a whore.
If I call you a whore, I mean it, I am not playing. You are a whore.
Shut the fuck up in class, some of us need to pass.
Fuck Coogi. You like like a moron.
Learn to close a fucking door. It is 30 fucking degrees outside, didn't your mom teach you that you're letting the fucking cold air out?
Pull. Your. Fucking. Pants. Up.
Goth is dead. I repeat, Goth is dead.
Wearing smeared eyeliner isn't unique, its retarded.
Don't fucking break into the auditorium to fuck/get stoned/smoke/piss, etc. Me and Mr Aprea are going to start patrolling that shit with mic stand batons. Fuckers.
Stand still in the fucking hallway, and I will mow you down.
Stop singing in class. Stop it. No seriously. Stop it. You suck.
Drugs and school don't mix. Pick one. Do one on the hours you aren't doing the other.
Skipping class is wasting everyone's time.
Stinkbombs, wtf? WHAT THE FUCK?
Okay, the lights go out, this is not your "act like a retard" pass.
Doing dumb shit was funny in 7th grade. Grow the hell up.
Cut the petty drama bullshit out guys, seriously.
Make sure you have deodorant on before leaving the house. You fucking stink.
Whoever the hell does the announcements needs to get a phoenetic dictionary.
Don't fucking hoot and holler in the hallway.
Oh you want to be a model? How cute.
Oh you want to be a photographer? How cute.
Oh you want to be a fashion designer? How cute.
Oh you want to be a rapper? How cute.
Stop wearing tshirts with phrases. They were funny when we were 12. We are no longer 12.
Stop asking for picture comments.
Nightmare Before Christmas is a great movie, but do you need 3,000 articles of clothing dedicated to it? Really?
Your tattoos are probably very, very shitty. Do not show me them. I will not lie to you.

To be continued:

Rather than post anything of value, allow me to remind you which celebrities minds are ensnared by this evil cult.

Tom Cruise
Will Smith
Beck
Nancy Cartwright (The voice of Bart Simpson)
Doug E. Fresh. Seriously.
Issac Hayes (Chef, of South Park)
Katie Holmes
Jason Lee (Earl, from My Name Is Earl)
Christopher Masterson (Francis, from Malcolm in the Middle)
Danny Masterson (Hyde, from That 70's Show)
Lisa Marie Presley (Elvis' daughter)
Priscilla Presley (Elvis' ex-wife)
Jenna Elfman (Dharma, of Dharma and Greg)
Leah Remini (Kari on The King of Queens)
Sonny Bono
Doug Dohring (The guy that used to own Neopets. lmfao)
Jason Dohring (Logan, from Veronica Mars)
John Travolta (JOHN MOTHERFUCKING TRAVOLTA)

And this, this is the best one of all :

Ex Scientologist?

Charles Manson.

Why did he leave the church? "It was too crazy".