I can't relate this convection of thoughts from here to you.

The window's drawn—And I've shifted my gaze, narrowed my stare.

Each moment is worth its creation.

These flashing lights bring me in.

I can't stand this redundancy

of making time seem so spare.

Give me wings to breathe.

Give me heart to grasp

the Worth.

I am like a speck of dust.

And here I am

Realizing

Love.

†

So I just got a job working the "night audit" shift at a hotel. BLAH! lol actually it's okay... Macy's is actually pretty nice in comparison, but I wanted a change of atmosphere.

Work seems like it's my life when I have to work 11pm to 7 in the morning and trying to sleep seems to take up my "day" or waste the sunlight...but like I was listening on the radio driving home on the highway, work isn't my life, and it shouldn't be, rather I have to remind myself, it's a part of life.

I used to be able to stay up all night during those summers growing up when I didn't used to have a job. But now it seems unnatural and depressing, feeling like I don't have the time I used to.

All I do all night long while your asleep is print information and post amounts into the computer system. I swear hotels are one of the major reasons we are killing the trees. I answer phone calls from guests harassing me about the ants crawling on the walls, or maybe they need a wake up call at 3:55 in the morning. Every once in a while a strange man comes in off of 1st street, until I realize it's one of our guests drunk and belligerent and he doesn't know how to get to his room…

It's dead quiet during the night. But when 6am comes around stress is full blown by 7 when I'm supposed to leave, but customers in lines are wanting things, and checking out, while 3 separate people are calling on the phone needing to know why the catering department hasn't set up the buffet yet or which exit to take coming from Seattle. And all these things I don't know 'cause I'm new. But they don't know. It would probably be easier if I wasn't almost dead from staying up all night.

I'm so relieved when the morning shift girl shows up 5 minutes late. And on my way home it's so hard to just let it go…because all their worries and concerns have to become my own, not to mention their impatience and expectations. Sometimes I'm so tired when I get into bed my eyes are leaking. But I'm getting used to it

I'm glad I have a stressful job in a way. Having a job that you hate seems better than having a job you're stuck complacent in. And this will not only give me motivation to get a better job, but this is definitely giving me skills to 'suck it up', and appreciate most of all the value of having a job/career that actually means something to me and is fulfilling to me. :)

Even though this job is just a dead-end hotel job…at moments when I can show the best of myself, I can really see how joyful I am when I get to do something nice for someone else…even it it's just giving away the toothbrush I got from the dentist the other day 'cause our amenities drawer ran out.

Only God knows..

    (i appologize if it's long and messy....)

Expectations....Presumptions….

We don't know our future, and we try so hard to. When we find out we were right we gloat and praise ourselves. When we find out we're wrong, the world feels like its ending. It damages our pride. Yet, with new eyes one might be able to see it as a blessing—more reason not to worry, and more reason to trust.

We put so much effort and weight on what we expect for ourselves and it only leads us down a path of worry and disappointment.

At first we overestimate our future, our potential…until things don't go the ways we estimated. When this hurts out self-esteem, we begin to underestimate ourselves—leading us onto a path where we do no good for ourselves, give up trying, and close our eyes to possibilities.

One key would be to find a balance. Though we should not presume our fate and base our self-esteem or our lives on it, it is WISE to prepare for the future. Do not let your standards down, do not settle, but rather accept where you are now and could possible be, be thankful, and most of all never give up. Genuine faith does not presume, does not expect. It is not based on our own understanding. Think of genuine love. Does true love expect anything in return if its intentions are pure of heart? Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love is not jealous, and it does not boast.

Ok, how about this… We need to find the balance between having HOPE and having FAITH. And the way we learn how to balance these out is through LOVE. If our hope is based on faith, then it will never fail us because it is not based on the factors of our expectations. Hope is putting faith in God. And putting faith in God gives you hope. This cannot be possible without love. The last verse is what brings it all together::

1 Chorinthians 13:1-13 says

 1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would have gained nothing.

 4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

 8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

 11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

 13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

God doesn't want us to presume. Assuming what God's plan for us only illuminates the purpose of Faith and true love. And waiting on our expectations leads to worry. That's why we mustn't lean on our own understanding. For what we know is limited by our perspectives and what we already know. We do not know the future; we don't even know the magnitude of His love, and infinite patience. It's beyond our comprehension. It's beyond our human ability to take on. For we all fall short of the glory of God.

P.S. Wouldn't assuming what God has yet to teach us not only be unfaithful to Him, but unfaithful to ourselves? Why would we close the door on our own potential of understanding and the possibility of a future we have not yet become aware of? Whatever is presented to us in our lives, we find new understanding that we could have never predicted. Accidents, pain, death… What appreciation would humans have in life (and life itself) if everything around us was good and perfect? What then would become of the volunteered love that God is seeking?

People will ask "where was God in 9/11!?" God is there always, waiting for us to come to the door and answer. And yet we deny and live by our own creed. Our own ways are faulty and lead to such ends. God's only son was the prince of PEACE. God isn't going to send down his hand to stop something terrible from happening. He wants us to see the consequences to our actions. He wants us to realize that we need Him. After all this time in human history, can we really say that we are doing a good job? We say that we are far advanced, but intelligence is nothing without wisdom. Hope is nothing without faith, and faith is nothing without love.

I used to worry all the time and I got pretty good at it. So good my mind was always analyzing and predicting, and always trying to figure everything out. I had a TRUST issue that no doubt turned into depression. I was sad and anxious. I cried everyday. I dwelled on that which I could not change. I was not satisfied even though I knew very well that my life was a blessing and that I had so much to look forward too. God wanted me to be free, and I wanted to be free too. But without taking that leap of faith, I was imprisoning myself. I worried about everything. I took every chance I had to critically analyze every aspect and view I had on humanity. Language, values, philosophy and mostly the integrity of the human race…I could go on and on. People can worry their whole lives, and everyone's worries will be different…but what I had to come to realize is that I will not be able to change the ways of man. I may have my own perspective of a utopia or whatever, but that may be totally against what someone else would want in their life. No matter what, we will always be imperfect and fall short of the Glory of God. There will always be corrupt government, war, pain…yada yada yada, and there will always be people who will be unwilling to change.

I know that worrying will not change a thing. Doing something about it, on the other hand, is a different issue. I must understand that helping just one person, and being able to have the opportunity and live long enough to make a difference in even just one persons life is just as valuable.

I always understood that worrying will never change anything, and that I must accept my life the way it is no matter what, otherwise I would never find satisfaction—even in the things that were good in my life. I knew this logically, but I had to overcome this spiritually…in my heart. Is the price of letting go of what I know and what I want worth standing up with integrity to what I know is righteous and true? I fell in love. And everything in me and a part of me knew that—even though I value a true and unconditional love—to deserve it, means letting go of every selfish desire for it.

I knew he was worth it. Worth knowing true love, worth another chance, worth the wait. I knew that my love, and my intentions were worth it too. I knew he was worth waiting for and I knew somehow that someday he would be happy again, I knew that he would be okay. I wanted him to be happy—even if it was not with me.

I'm faithful and committed until the end. I know that, as long as I keep my heart and my mind focused on faith, hope and love, and most of all the truth that proclaims it: the cross. Yes I would wait and never give up if I had to, but who was I to presume that I was ultimately the one God set aside for that man? I had to come to a point of not only recognition, but acceptance in the fact that if I really did love him, I would let him go. For his sake, in respect, in trust, in faith and in love for him. If he was worth waiting for, I knew he must also be worth finding his own way, and trusting him and God to know the right time and the right way for him. Even if my intentions were pure, and I only wanted the best for him, I still had to accept the fact that his walk in life is separate from my own, and it's not up to me to assume what God wants for both of us in our lives. It was so hard to let go. No matter how much I wanted to do the right thing, I still loved him. I know I can never find another man like him in my life, and I want and need no other. The hardest thing in the world is to accept that God has a plan for me and for him, even if it means losing who I love. The thing is, and what God has taught me through all of this is: you can't lose anyone to God.

I know now that no matter what may come our way, there is nothing that will sever the love and respect I have for him. I love him so much; I would give up anything for him. I would give up him for him. I know that is what Jesus Christ has done for me. He gave up his life for me, and so I know through example and love that I should give my life for another. I should give up leaning on my understanding, my *life, for others, for God. For it is through faith that we love, and through love that we have faith.

How could I deserve love if I were to expect it? That must be why God is holy in giving us our free will. Making us love him and obey Him is not righteous and is not Holy. Praise be to him that grants us our choice! The choice to know what choices we make and acknowledge them so that we may be held accountable to the decisions that we make in our lives.

I feel like I have new eyes. Now instead of seeing and hearing my own worries, I see the worries of everyone around me, and I know exactly what it's like. I still do worry at times and get upset, but now I know where my heart must be. NO MATTER WHAT.

Matthew 6:19-21

"Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys then, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be."

The best chapter in the bible that addresses worrying that I know of is Matthew chapter 6. I would recommend anyone to read this whether they are religious or not, it really puts things into perspective. I have a student version of the New Living Translation and this is an extra feature I find at the top of the page above chapter 6:

SEVEN REASONS NOT TO WORRY

1) The same God who created life in you can be trusted with the details of your life. (Matthew 6:25)

2) Worrying about the future hampers your efforts for today. (6:26)

3) Worrying is more harmful than helpful. (6:27)

4) God does not ignore those who depend on him. (6:28-30)

5) Worry shows a lack of faith and understanding of God. (6:31-32)

6) There are real challenges God wants us to pursue, and worrying keeps us from them. (6:33)

7) Living one day at a time keeps us from being consumed with worry. (6:34)

W.W.J.D.?

Jesus would give up everything he knows about the world and its ways and die for it., because he sees it as it is, and he knows that the price—the sacrifice is worth our salvation, our forgiveness, our LOVE.

We must die of ourselves in order to recognize that God is Love, and His only son Jesus is the way, the truth and the light.

Remember: we do not have a BEHAVIOR problem. We have a CHARACTER problem. Our sins will be forgiven and for his sake forgotten, no matter how many or how few. But God doesn't want us to settle for CHEAP GRACE. If we think that we can sin, but that we will be forgiven anyways, is not true love, it is not obeying God from the heart, and having integrity to the one we claim to be the way and the only way.

One of the misconceptions people have is that if you follow and obey God you will be blessed in THIS life. That is not what He promises. His promise is eternal life, righteousness in the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Kingdom of Heaven. The struggles and tests in this life are to show a test of our faith, and our true willingness to continue in obedience and sacrifice our selfish presumptions and desires in our lives. God wants voluntary love. In order to take that leap of faith, one must humble oneself. That is the only way to overcome leaning on ones own understanding. –We know that once we can overcome that, we can overcome all worry, shame, pity, and disappointment. Maybe not all the way, it is what will remind us of our need to change and our need of God. Feeling that way will keep us in want of integrity and accountability for ourselves and others. But when we know in the end that God is the best one to put our trust in, because He knows better, we can find the light, and reason to praise…reason to change, be given new eyes, and be blessed help others!

To acknowledge that His son—the ultimate sacrifice and example of true love, humility, patience and faith—Jesus Christ—is the way, the truth, and the light No matter what happens, there is always reason to give thanks.

...by John 15:5.

I want to stretch out my soul like branches.

Bear fruit and plant mustard seeds.

I want to grow in good soil and forever quench my thirst.

Close my eyes and lead where I follow.

Find strength in the vine and abide in His love.

I would be fruitless, dry and dead without my God above.

My last blog was really..... Well, I was really hurting and needed to vent...

I feel better now. I broke it into a hundred pieces, and moved on.

And seeing it all go away, that was the real promise.

I went to the church alone and sat on the swing. Everything was peaceful. The Earth for now. I took it in as much as I could. Alone, strong, and empty and relieved. Clean, new, raw and fragile. Determined.

I made the stars fly against those red bricks and then I threw them away. Pretty pieces that don't mean anything; I fooled myself. I learned.

I thought of all the children who would take my place.

We were created not alone, not only to find fellowship and trust, but to learn to be not so selfish and humble our hearts. That's why it's not always easy to live.

Everyone has their own agenda, but God only has one: to love.

Loving others can be easy, but loving yourself can be the hardest step to take.

I rode off, a little more free.

yeah call me an emo fag...if you want. i don't even care. i'm just a person! i'm tired of labels and jokes...it's just an excuse to not take other people's feelings seriously--wow i'm way too fucking dramatic huh!? maybe i need some depression pills--or a nap!? i want to say fuck everything...but then i know i'd just be screwing myself over cause i know i really dont want that.i really do care about others. and i do care about myself.

i put myself out there--

so i can make my life better

and all i get back is apathetic incompetence

and a dropped call

from people who are supposed to "help" me!

i feel so pissed and angry and sad

i feel alone

everyone's too involved in their own drives and ambitions to give a shit about some other girl like me

they dont know i'd care for them and love them

they dont even give me the chance

i feel like shit

and even more so because i know i'm not

i just want to love

and yet i keep trying and trying and sucking it in

and finding love inside me again

i don't want to be like everyone else

and i sure as hell wont let them bring me to it

and when I feel sad and have one moment of wanting to just give up

I can only blame myself and feel weak for falling for their lies

I know I'm worth it

I know I'm special

Fucking ass holes

And they probably don't even know it

Maybe it's just me

I'll hear I take things "too seriously"

That only undermines my feelings

Think about it

And I'll hear I'm "too optimistic"

Then what the fuck? It takes so much sometimes to be in this world

I'm tired of smiling faces—fake goals and dreams

And you might see me happy, you might see me sad.

But it's real

I love to care and I love to love

Because I know that's how I would like to be treated!

But my heart's breaking

Every time I'm tempted to give in and not give a shit

Oh I'll always give a shit

Believe me

And I'll be breaking glass today

Proverbs 3 (New Living Translation)

I just want to love.

I don't mean to push, or cry even.

I just want to love.

I'll let you go again and again if that's what you need.

You've got a home for the Lord in your heart,

and Christ has a home for you.

Don't ever let me become a distraction.

Just promise you'll always choose what's right in your heart.

I believe in you so much, I love you and care for you.

I love the Lord, He is my first true love.

And He told me to never give up.

We're not perfect, but if you'll have my heart, I'll have yours.

Together we can learn and grow, love in the name of the Lord,

and in the name of the Lord alone.